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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24718639">nobody gets left behind</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos'>Balthamos</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Druck | SKAM (Germany)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>But way more fluff than angst, Davenzi as Parents, Discussions of past child abuse, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, and killing it, but only temporary</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:07:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>218,776</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24718639</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>David and Matteo knew they could do it, be better parents than they'd had themselves. Vowed they would be better than them.<br/>It was hard of course, nothing good ever came easy but it was so worth it. The family, the home they've built is worth it. A house filled with love and happy children. A house where they take in anyone in need. This is a look at that future.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>105</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>147</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. calling you from miles away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is something I've been working on a while, I got the idea while writing my last fic. Just the thought of Matteo becoming a social worker inspired this whole thing. Although he's not actually working at this point in the fic as will become apparent. </p><p>But I just kept thinking about their future and how good it would be. What a happy little family they would have and it became this. It's kinda long and the chapters are probably too long to be called chapters but I didn't want to break it up into like fifty chapters if I'm posting once a week.</p><p>Also, this is set about twenty years in the future but I kept technology pretty much the same because I can't even guess what we're gonna have then. So they have phones and laptops and all that stuff but we'll just assume it's better and faster and that video calling isn't the disaster it currently is.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Matteo didn’t want to move a muscle. He was warm and cosy. Buried deep down under the covers, slowly suffocating. He never got overheated though. He enjoyed the muffled silence and heavy warmth the blankets provided. All he could hear was his own steady breathing, reminding him he was calm. He was ok. He could get up and face the day. He just needed a few more minutes.</p><p>The rest of the house was still silent. Still peaceful before the chaos of the day started. These few minutes were important in his morning routine. He needed them, now more than ever. He’d already been awake for about ten minutes and he had at least fifteen more left before the alarm. He could always just get up but he didn’t want to. Not yet. The alarm would go off in fifteen minutes. He would get up in ten… ish.</p><p>He just needed to lay there quietly, mentally preparing himself for the day. He’d never tried meditation, not properly but he figured this was close.</p><p>Then his phone rang, startling him and disturbing his peace. The ringer was muffled but still far too loud in the quiet room. </p><p>It was the crack of dawn, barely even light out and his phone was ringing. Who would be so rude as to ring him before six in the morning on a Monday? There went his other ten minutes.</p><p>Matteo groaned and finally pulled the blankets back from over his face, squinting at the dim light and taking in the messy room. He reached out beside him. Sighing when he found it cold and empty. Just like every morning. </p><p>Where the hell was his phone? He’d had it last night, fallen asleep with it clutched in his hand as usual. But he must have dropped it somewhere in the bed. He lifted the blankets and rooted around beneath them to no avail.</p><p>He took a long look around the room. It was no wonder he couldn’t find his phone, it was a mess. The rest of the house he’d kept pretty tidy but he just hadn’t bothered in here. Clothes were strewn everywhere, several towels on the floor. A pile of laundry he should have tackled already. He hadn’t bothered making the bed in weeks, just collapsed in it every night. It was pretty out of character, he liked things tidy. He had a nice house and he was proud of it. But he just couldn’t make himself do it when it was just him. He knew he was being pathetic, that a tidy room would probably lift his mood but he just… couldn’t. Not right now.</p><p>The ringing stopped and then immediately started again. Matteo finally found the phone under his pillow where he must have shoved it last night. He looked at the screen and finally smiled a little. David, of course. Only he would be so rude. Only he was allowed to disturb this routine without throwing Matteo off, fucking him up for the rest of the day. There was no way he could hold a conversation yet, not with anyone except David.</p><p>David knew he was allowed, knew he was the exception to the rule. He should have been just about done with work for the night and he always checked in before bed. Right now that routine was more important to Matteo. Still didn’t mean he had to be happy about it. </p><p>“What do you want?” he grumbled down the line as soon as he answered.</p><p>“Good morning love, why so grumpy?” David teased, very much used to Matteo in the morning. He didn’t sound put off at all, no he sounded incredibly fond. Just happy to hear Matteo even if he was still in his morning funk.</p><p>“It’s not even six yet, you’re ringing before the alarm,” Matteo complained, rolling over onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. He stretched and tried to shake off the last vestiges of sleep.</p><p>“You never sleep until the alarm babe, I knew you’d be awake.”</p><p>He did, even halfway across the world he always seemed to know when Matteo was up, when he needed to call and check in. And he did need it today. This was far better than ten minutes of silence.</p><p>When David was there with him, usually he would still be sleeping while Matteo slowly woke up. Matteo would watch him sleep, just laying there watching him breathing quietly. It helped him to feel calm, shooed away all those nervous worries that he sometimes started the day with.</p><p>Sometimes if he did wake up he wouldn’t talk immediately, wouldn’t bother him straight away. He just watched Matteo back until he sensed something that Matteo didn’t even understand and finally reached out and touched him. Knowing somehow that he was ready, David would finally speak but never a moment too soon.</p><p>“I was all cosy, I was still getting ready to face the day.” Matteo sighed and sat up, rubbing his face and pushing his hair out of his eyes.</p><p>He may as well get started now he was up. Once he’d come round, that was it, he didn’t want to be in bed anymore, not by himself. It was different when David was there, he was always more tempted to stay in bed. Even then he would usually want to get on rather than just lay there. On weekdays at least there was always so much to be done. Long gone were the days where he could just sleep away the mornings.</p><p>He threw on a hoodie and looked around for some joggers. He kept the phone pressed to his ear while he looked.</p><p>“Did I disturb your peaceful ten minutes of self-reflection?” </p><p>At least he was amused.</p><p>“Yes you did,” Matteo told him.</p><p>But David knew he was allowed, knew Matteo wasn’t mad at him. Knew he had special privileges and was allowed to call around the clock just to say hi. “Well, I’m back at the apartment, it’s been a long day and I missed you, I didn’t want to go to bed without talking to you.” </p><p>All of Matteo’s grumpiness faded away. David sounded exhausted, worn out. Matteo sat back down on the bed, joggers in hand. He knew it made no sense but he still wondered if that was why this morning felt particularly difficult. If he’d sensed something was up. Every morning was hard without David but this one had felt extra heavy. “Hey,” he whispered, “are you ok?”</p><p>“Yeah I… just filming early. I was up at four this morning and I’m so tired. It’s all going well though, just starting at four isn’t fun, you know? I’ll probably go to bed in a bit, I’m up early again tomorrow.” He tried and failed to stifle a yawn.</p><p>Matteo knew he wasn't sleeping properly because he wasn’t either. David wasn’t sleeping enough and he was sleeping too much, falling asleep during the day, going to bed before nine because he couldn’t be bothered doing anything. He was sleeping the days away.</p><p>He looked at the clock hanging on the wall, set to LA time because he struggled with the difference and he would never get used to it. He didn’t want to. It was almost nine in the evening over there which meant David had been up for almost nineteen hours. Matteo felt tired just thinking about it.</p><p>The first month it had been ok, they managed at least. Because a big part of the film was set at night it meant their hours lined up nicely, David having some free time during the day meant he could call in the late afternoon and again at night before bed. It had made things a little easier for them. But he’d gotten too comfortable, thinking he was managing just fine when really he was barely coping. </p><p>Slowly things seemed to get more hectic David’s end and for the past month, his schedule had been all over the place. Night shoots, day shoots, David going all over southern California for location work. It meant they’d only managed snatched conversations here and there. And it just made it clear that he hadn’t been coping at all. It had seemed that way because he’d managed to scramble together some semblance of a routine which kept him going.</p><p>But the routine was gone and they were both struggling with it. Daily phone calls weren’t enough and it was making them miserable. Then there was the fact that David was supposed to be home a week ago and yet he was still over there and Matteo had no idea when he was coming back. He said five more weeks but Matteo just couldn’t trust it. He’d said three months before that and that had come and gone.</p><p>They’d never done this. Never spent time apart like this, at most a few weeks while David shot on location somewhere in Europe. David had travelled all over the world for shoots, it was the kind of work he did, it came with the territory. But Matteo had always gone with him or at least flown out for visits. Seen a bit of the world himself. He’d loved it but now he couldn’t and David had stayed local for the past five years. Until now.</p><p>It was supposed to be a one-off. One three month job in LA and then he’d be back. Three months down and Matteo felt like it was slowly killing him. Because knowing his luck they’d get to five weeks and the shoot would overrun again. Who knew when David would actually be back? He had flexible tickets booked for the middle of next month but whether he would be able to use them no one knew.</p><p>Matteo wasn’t coping at all. He hadn't had a breakdown or anything like that. No, he was just sad, nothing more, sad and a little lonely. He was putting on a brave face. He was obsessing a little over keeping things perfect while David was away, stretching himself thin just to keep busy and distracted. But the cracks were beginning to show. It was exhausting him. </p><p>David didn’t need to worry about it though. It would only make it harder for him out there by himself. He could wait until his husband got home before he broke for a while.</p><p>“I don’t think you’re going to bed just yet,” Matteo warned, he could hear the shuffling footsteps down the hall.</p><p>And so the peace was disturbed for another day.</p><p>He stood up and pulled his joggers on just as the door was flung open and Jake rushed into the room. He had his rocket ship pyjama shirt on backwards and his mismatched pyjama bottoms, the ones with the sunflowers on were inexplicably tied around his head. He was naked from the waist down. Getting that boy to wear clothes was an impossible task most days.</p><p>“Papa!” Jake beamed at him, bouncing on the balls of his feet and making grabby hands for the phone.</p><p>The quiet of the day was broken. Finally. Not that Jake was particularly loud. Jamilah and Matty, on the other hand, they could make a racket. But while Matteo liked his quiet mornings, this noise was always preferable. The house was far too quiet when they were all sleeping. Oppressively so. Leaving him constantly on edge. The noise they made when they were awake was welcome to him at any time of day.</p><p>“Hey Jakey, good morning to you too,” Matteo said quietly, reaching out and pulling the pyjama bottoms off his head and ruffling his soft curly brown hair.</p><p>Jake giggled and pushed his hands away, ignoring him when he offered him his pyjama bottoms. He clambered up onto the bed beside him.</p><p>“Is it daddy?” He reached out for the phone and Matteo handed it over. </p><p>Jake jumped down and ran back out of the room.</p><p>“Twenty minutes Jake, daddy needs to sleep,” Matteo warned, knowing David would indulge him no matter how tired he was, “and trousers please!” he called after him, grabbing the pyjama bottoms and following him.</p><p>“Jamilah! Jamilah! Daddy’s on the phone!” He banged on her bedroom door.</p><p>Jamilah’s door swung open and his sleepy daughter stood in front of them, yawning widely then grinning at both of them. She was wearing her pyjamas properly at least.</p><p>“Daddy yay! Give <em>me</em> the phone!” She reached out for it but Jake held it away from her. She was taller though so she reached over him, struggling for it. Then the pushing and shoving started.</p><p>“No, I’m holding it! Daddy I-”</p><p>“Give me the phone! I’m the oldest-”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>“Yes!”</p><p>Matteo stepped in and plucked the phone from Jamilah’s hand where she’d snatched it from Jake’s. He held it above their heads and tried his best to look stern. It never usually worked but they would normally behave anyway. To a point.</p><p>“Jakey had the phone first Jamilah, no arguments, Jakey the call has a timer when it's been ten minutes please let your sister hold the phone.” Matteo showed him the counter at the top of the screen, “play fair, both of you.”</p><p>“Ok papa,” Jake said, reaching for the phone.</p><p>Matteo handed him the pyjama bottoms instead. He huffed and pulled them on with a scowl and then Matteo handed him the phone.</p><p>“Ok, my darling twins I’m going to make us some breakfast, any requests for Chef Papa?”</p><p>“Chocolate!” they both yelled.</p><p>He rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Any sensible requests?” he countered.</p><p>“Chocolate milk?” Jamilah suggested carefully.</p><p>Matteo just ruffled her hair. Funny girl. She thought because something had milk in it, that made it suitable breakfast food.</p><p>“Not a chance, can I have the phone a second Jakey?”</p><p>Jake handed it over and Matteo put it to his ear as he popped his head into Matty’s room. Matty was the baby and he could sleep through anything, even his incredibly loud siblings screaming down the hall. The house could be falling down around him and that boy still wouldn’t wake until he was ready.</p><p>“Hey, babe are you too tired?” Matteo whispered into the phone, pulling the door closed quietly.</p><p>“Nah, I wanna talk to them,” David insisted.</p><p>Matteo heard him yawning so that was clearly a lie but he wasn’t going to stop him. He got it. In some ways, it had to be way worse for him. He missed David so much it hurt but he couldn’t even imagine being away from David <em>and</em> the kids. The thought made him feel ill. David must be so lonely out there without them. Any kind of contact he could get, even a phone call when he was half asleep, he would take. Matteo wouldn’t deny him that.</p><p>“Twenty minutes then they have to get ready for school,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“Gotcha,” David promised.</p><p>They both knew already that they were going to be late. Just like they were every morning. It was worse when David was there distracting them. Insisting that five minutes before they set off was the perfect time to try a new hairstyle for Jamilah, wandering off with Jake to look for frogs or bugs on the ten-minute walk to school. Matteo hated being late but he would happily be hours late for school and have David here with him. </p><p>“Don’t hang up though I wanna talk after.”</p><p>“Of course,” David said. He was shooting early morning scenes, long days so Matteo wasn’t too happy about keeping him up. But at the same time, he needed to talk to him, just for a bit. He handed the phone to Jake again who was waiting eagerly for it.</p><p>He took it and began to babble to David about the school day ahead.</p><p>“Jamilah Mimmo’s still sleeping but if he wakes bring him down for breakfast.”</p><p>“Ok papa,” she said, stretching her arms out for a hug. </p><p>He lifted her up and spun her around her room until she was giggling. Then he put her down beside Jake, kissed the top of her head, then Jake’s. He watched him turn the phone so they could both hear David.  He’d taught them how to use the speaker but they both liked holding the phone to their heads so they had to do it that way.</p><p>Matteo headed back to the bathroom and splashed his face. He brushed his teeth figuring he wasn’t going to eat anyway, then stared at himself in the mirror. He looked damn tired. He ran his fingers through his hair, ignoring the grey amongst the brown. It wasn't too bad but he wasn't sure how much longer he could pull off this length. </p><p>He'd never liked it short, high school was probably the shortest he'd had it. It wasn't much longer but it was starting to flick up at the ends. Definitely on the scruffy side. Even now he still liked to hide his face behind his fringe. He swept it back and smiled to himself. </p><p>If he'd had his phone he would have snapped a picture for David. David liked his hair, told him every day just how handsome he thought he was. And this was coming from David the most handsome man he'd ever met so it sure was something. </p><p>He missed him so much, he swore it was getting harder not easier. He ran his fingers down his forearm, over the uncaged bird inked on his wrist and sighed. Five weeks and then David would be flying back to him. </p><p>But right now it was time to start the day. He couldn't have his little monsters starving. Not on his watch. He headed down to the kitchen to start on breakfast. </p><p>He laughed to himself. Chocolate for breakfast? Not a chance. He wanted his kids to still have their teeth when they were eighteen.</p><p>He grabbed a pan and the eggs and got to work. Scrambled eggs it would be. That’s what his mama used to give him when he was their age, and his teeth were fine. There was yoghurt and fruit too. Plenty of choices. Jake definitely wouldn’t eat that though because he suddenly hated yoghurt.</p><p>He cut some bread and put it on to toast, munching at the crusts as he tidied away the clean dishes from yesterday. He could hear a lot of bumping around upstairs, a lot of slamming of doors and was just waiting for the inevitable yelling.</p><p>Five minutes later they both burst into the kitchen, Jake’s trousers, his little red jeans were around his neck this time, like a fancy scarf. At least he was wearing underwear. It was as if he’d tried to get dressed for school and it had gone horribly wrong. Which was probably what happened. Jamilah was also half-dressed for school, pyjama bottoms and a pale blue polo shirt, she’d run her fingers through her hair to tease out the tangles from sleep but that was it. </p><p>Her hair wasn’t as tightly curled as David’s but it was certainly bigger. Waist-length, her soft dark curls were currently cascading down her back. They tied them up for school because otherwise she’d end up getting them stuck in a tree or somewhere but the rest of the time they hung loosely at her sides. Her favourite thing to do was swish them over her shoulder when she was feeling sassy. Hand on her hip and everything.</p><p>“Papa! Jake won’t let me-”</p><p>“It hasn't been ten-”</p><p>“It’s been hours! Jake-” </p><p>“Has not! Papa said ten min-”</p><p>Matteo held up his hands, putting a stop to their bickering. “Twins! Come on, phone please.” He held out his hand and they quieted immediately. Jake reluctantly handed over the phone.</p><p>They weren’t really twins, there was a two-year gap between them and they looked nothing alike. Jake was pale, freckly, with reddish-brown hair and blue eyes. Jamilah was darker, with her wild curly black hair and warm brown eyes. She was practically his opposite. She was loud and he was quiet, bold where he was shy. But the day Jake had come to stay with them two years ago she’d insisted he was her twin baby brother, not quite understanding the concept and it had just stuck. Insisted that he had to stay, that she would take care of him and protect him forever. And she did, they fought and argued a lot but she would defend him to death if anyone dared cross him. The name stuck and it was easier to reign them in that way than calling them individually.</p><p>“See?” Jake pouted at his sister.</p><p>“Your fault,” Jamilah muttered.</p><p>“No! Your fault,” Jake argued.</p><p>“Trousers Jake,” Matteo warned before the shoving started.</p><p>The phone was forgotten for a moment. Jake sighed like Matteo was the one being completely unreasonable and strange but he pulled the jeans from around his neck and put them on properly.</p><p>“Thank you,'' Matteo said.</p><p>Jake shrugged and attached himself to Matteo's leg, smiling up at him.</p><p>“Put daddy on the screen. Please?”</p><p>If he thought those puppy dog eyes were going to work on him he was absolutely right. Matteo didn’t even hesitate, just smiled down at him, hung up the phone and pressed a few keys. After a minute David appeared on the built-in screen above the counter. He smiled at all of them.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>“Hey,” Matteo murmured, a warm feeling settling over him. It was so good to see him. They hadn’t video called for a couple of days now and he missed his face.</p><p>It would be better if he were here but he would take what he could get.</p><p>“Daddy!” the twins chorused, argument forgotten.</p><p>“Hello, my little devils, trouble one and trouble two. Are you behaving for papa?” David asked.</p><p>They both nodded seriously as if they hadn’t been yelling at each other not even five minutes ago. Of course, David had heard all of it anyway.</p><p>“Yes! I’m wearing trousers daddy,” Jake said, so proud of himself.</p><p>David grinned and winked at Matteo. He found Jake’s aversion to trousers hilarious. Which wasn’t really fair when he wasn’t the one trying to wrestle him into his clothes every morning. As soon as David was back he could be on clothes duty for the foreseeable future. See how he liked it. </p><p>Apparently it was a common thing. Laura told him David used to hate wearing clothes when he was Jake’s age. Only part of it was to do with the fact he hated the clothes his mother bought him. He just didn’t want to wear clothes, neither did any of his cousins apparently. Laura thought they were all mad.</p><p>He’d asked his own mum about it a while back and she’d told him he hated wearing certain clothes because of how they felt on his skin. Everything to do with his sensory issues and nothing to do with wanting to run around naked like Jake seemed to enjoy. </p><p>David didn’t find it weird at all so he just ran with it and tried to convince Jake every morning that he had to wear clothes to school.</p><p>“Well done Jake,” David said, looking far too amused with himself.</p><p>“Daddy? Papa is tired,” Jamilah said quietly, stepping closer to the screen.</p><p>Matteo glanced at her. She looked worried, nervous. She was a serious kid sometimes, perceptive, she was always paying attention. Nothing ever got past her. He’d been trying so hard to keep things normal, not let her see how much he was struggling. He hadn’t meant to scare her. He’d tried to keep up a brave face, not let either of them see. But hell even Matty could probably tell the mood in the house was off. He had been a lot more grizzly and grumbly of late. He missed his dad, they all did.</p><p>“I’m fine Jamilah I promise,” Matteo said, but even to him it sounded like a lie. There was no enthusiasm there because he just didn’t have any. He was running on almost nothing. He knew all he was going to manage today was to get the kids to school and then collapse on the sofa and try to keep Matty entertained. It wasn’t fair on any of them but that was all he could manage. He hated this. Was he becoming like his mum? No this was different. He had this under control. He took his meds, he went to therapy he was fine. He was a good dad. He was just tired.</p><p>David was frowning at him on the screen. Matteo shrugged. What could he do from the other side of the world? David continued to scrutinise him for a moment then held up five fingers.</p><p>Five weeks. That's how long it was until he supposedly came home. But after the initial delay, Matteo wouldn’t believe it until he was here with him. </p><p>He was also struggling with what to tell the kids. Because they’d expected him back by now and they couldn’t understand why he wasn’t. How did explain it to them without making it seem like his job wasn’t more important to them? When on a day like today he couldn’t believe that either? One broken promise was bad enough. He just nodded and picked up Jake placing him on the stool and turning it so that he could see the screen. Jamilah climbed up beside him.</p><p>“Chocolate?” she asked.</p><p>“Eggs,” Matteo said, placing the plates in front of him.</p><p>He grabbed the toast and placed it between them.</p><p>“Boring,” Jake said.</p><p>Matteo grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and filled the sink with water. He wasn’t really hungry but he thought he should try and settle his stomach. </p><p>“If you’re not hungry I’ll eat it, there’s always yoghurt instead.” Jake had loved yoghurt until about a couple of weeks ago and now it was apparently the most disgusting thing in the world. He hadn’t told Matteo this until he’d filled the fridge as usual so now they had and abundance. Matty could only eat so much and Jamilah wasn’t that keen. He was going to have to eat them in the end.</p><p>Jake shook his head. “No I’m starving, I’ll eat.” He started shovelling eggs into his mouth.</p><p>“You’re always starving,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah!” Jamilah said, like she wasn’t eating her food just as quickly.</p><p>They always ate like they were half-starved when that couldn’t be further from the truth.</p><p>“Can you two eat with your mouths closed please?” Matteo asked, ruffling Jake’s hair and closing Jamilah’s mouth for her.</p><p>“Papa, can you do my hair?” Jamilah asked. “It needs oil though, it’s a bit dry.”</p><p>“Where is it?” </p><p>“Living room.” She didn’t even look up from her plate.</p><p>Matteo left them eating, David was watching anyway. He went into the living room and found the little bottle on the corner table. He’d left it there last night when he’d been doing her hair for bed. He grabbed it and went back into the kitchen, standing behind her. “Ok, sit up straight a second.” He swept her hair back and applied the lotion, running his fingers through it, making sure there were no tangles. “What are we having?”</p><p>“Plaits please, two?” She handed him two hair ties from her wrist.</p><p>“Out here?” He twisted her hair so that it would stick out either side of her head.</p><p>“No papa! Make it look nice!”</p><p>Matteo grinned at David and obliged, carefully dividing her hair, twisting it into the fancy plaits that would hang loosely behind her. Laura had taught him years ago. He’d gotten the hang of it pretty good now. Unlike David who was too much of a perfectionist and spent too long trying to get them even and making them messier as he tried to perfect them. That was the problem with artists. There was no need for it to be perfect because she always pulled and untwisted it when she was in class anyway. It was never neat by the time she got back.</p><p>“Show off,” David muttered when Matteo finished the plaits with a flourish.</p><p>Matteo stuck his tongue out at him.</p><p>“You look very pretty darling,” David told her.</p><p>“Thanks, daddy,” Jamilah said.</p><p>Matteo kissed the top of her head then moved over to the stove, grabbing the pan and putting it in the sink. He was about to start scrubbing but before he could get started there was a cry from upstairs.</p><p>“Matty!” they both yelled, downing the cutlery.</p><p>“Ah ah ah. Stay and eat. Behave, I’ll be back in<em> five</em> minutes and daddy will watch you the entire time.”</p><p>“I will.” </p><p>Matteo assumed that was supposed to sound stern but it didn’t really come across that way, not with the way he was smiling so fondly at them.</p><p>“You can’t do anything! You’re in America,” Jamilah reminded him.</p><p>The utter cheek of this one. David met Matteo’s eye and grinned in delight. She was only nine and already so audacious. She was going to be trouble, they were sure of that. But they only encouraged her. If she was bold they weren’t going to try and stamp that out, who did that? Parents like David’s probably.</p><p>“I’ll tell papa and he’ll be really sad.” David winked at Matteo. That was a surefire way to get them to behave.</p><p>Matteo grinned as they instantly quieted, sat up straight and ate their breakfasts like the little angels they absolutely weren’t.</p><p>He rushed upstairs to Matty’s room, he was crying in earnest now. Not really crying more like screaming. For attention. He was a quiet baby most of the time. Was never a big crier, had been that way since they bought him home. Matteo’s mum called him her content little sweetheart, her little mouse. He really was a little angel, not like those two monsters downstairs.</p><p>He could be loud if he wanted to be. He was talking now and liked to chatter away, mostly nonsense. But he did not like being ignored. He could sleep for hours but when he was awake he wanted all the attention. Matteo pushed the door open and stepped into the nursery.</p><p>“Hey Mimmo,” Matteo whispered, picking Matty up out of his cot and cradling him in his arms.</p><p>“Pa! Pa!” Matty squealed.</p><p>The crying stopped immediately, as soon as he was held. He really was the clingiest baby. And Matteo loved it and overindulged him, as did David. His mum assured him it was fine, that he’d been just as clingy as a child and he’d turned out fine. In fairness he was still pretty clingy as an adult but what was the harm in that?</p><p>He changed Matty’s nappy and redressed him in a soft pale green sweater his mum had knitted him. She knitted them all so many jumpers, said she was really taking to this whole grandmother lark. It suited her well, she was as gentle and loving a grandmother as she was a mother.</p><p>He matched the sweater with some tiny dark green trousers and then cuddled him close again. Matty just gurgled in delight.</p><p>“Come and see daddy in the kitchen,” Matteo cooed, bouncing Matty on his hip as he carried him downstairs.</p><p>They got to the bottom of the stairs and Matteo crouched down.</p><p>“Do you want to walk Mimmo?”</p><p>“No!” Matty exclaimed, clinging tighter.</p><p>“No?” </p><p>“No! No! No!” He laughed when Matteo prodded his tummy.</p><p>“Ok sweetheart.” Matteo stood up and carried him into the kitchen.</p><p>The kitchen where his two monsters were still pretending to be little angels. Jamilah was standing on the little stool washing their plates. He watched her passing them to Jake to dry. He was concentrating so hard, little tongue sticking out as he tried to handle them. Obviously trying not to drop them. Everything was plastic so it wouldn’t break but he was being careful anyway.</p><p>This was a new development. He grinned at David who shrugged, clearly, they were doing this at his suggestion. But they did love to be helpful.</p><p>“Look it’s daddy.” Matteo walked over to the screen on the counter.</p><p>“Matty,” David cooed.</p><p>Matty gurgled and reached out for David on the screen. He didn’t really understand what was going on, was too young to get it. But he knew what he was seeing.</p><p>“Da da!” he squealed.</p><p>“I wanna come home,” David whined. </p><p>Matteo just smiled sadly and pressed a kiss to the top of Matty’s head. Holding him tight for both of them.</p><p>“Come home daddy!” Jake yelled.</p><p>“Yeah, daddy come home!” Jamilah yelled.</p><p>Both of them started yelling and banging the cutlery against the sink. This of course set Matty off screaming in excitement. Not wanting to be outdone by their noise. Suddenly everything was very loud and his head started to hurt. Matteo closed his eyes for a second before it all got too bright and tried desperately to stop Matty wriggling free of his grip. He didn’t know if he could handle this kind of noise so early. His stomach still hurt, he wished he hadn’t eaten that apple. It would pass. He would be ok. He just needed a minute. </p><p>He took a deep breath and then another but he couldn’t stop trembling. He needed to calm down. He tried to focus on the weight of Matty in his arms. He was nice and heavy but he wouldn’t stay still.</p><p>“Twins,” David warned from the screen, not harshly but a little sterner than usual. It was only to get their attention over the noise they were making.</p><p>They immediately went silent and both of them quietly approached Matteo. He hated this, hated that they knew to be careful with him. That they even had to see him get like this. It scared him, reminded him of the years with his mama. </p><p>But it wasn’t the same. At all. He was ok. He was struggling right now because his husband was away and they all missed him and everything just felt a little harder than normal. This would pass he just needed a moment, needed things to be quiet for a little while.</p><p>It was just so damn hard.</p><p>They both wrapped themselves around Matteo’s legs and he sighed as they clung to him.</p><p>“Doing ok Matteo?” David asked gently.</p><p>“Not really,” Matteo admitted, sinking to the floor opposite the screen, holding Matty against his chest.</p><p>Jake and Jamilah immediately clambered on top of him and he held them close too. They all just bundled together, pressing him into the cupboard behind him. He already felt better down here. Calmer. Grounded. He was ok. They were ok. They would get through this.</p><p>“Papa is tired,” Jamilah said again, “and sad,” she added.</p><p>That didn’t even begin to cover how he was feeling right now.</p><p>“Is that right?” David asked.</p><p>Matteo just nodded. There was no point lying though. They could all see it. He was burning out.</p><p>“Papa?” Jamilah climbed down from his lap and reached out.</p><p>She took Matty from him and sat him in the high chair. Jake got up too and grabbed a banana and Matty’s red bowl.</p><p>“Wash your hands,” Matteo warned.</p><p>Jake did and then he mushed up the banana with his hands instead of a spoon. At least when he started to feed Matty he used the spoon.</p><p>Matteo watched them for a while. Watched Matty snatch the spoon from Jake and start pushing the bowl around. Shoving his hand in it and giggling at the feeling of the squashed banana. That was going to be a mess. But he didn’t care. They were so good. So kind. He loved them so much his heart ached with it.</p><p>“Matteo,” David said, getting his attention.</p><p>“I’m ok David,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“No you’re not,” David said, he looked just as bad as Matteo felt.</p><p>“I just… you were supposed to be home by now,” Matteo said, he might have managed this better if he’d been back on time.</p><p>He had been ready for him, had been counting down and when that day came and went he just didn’t know how to wait anymore. He’d had a goal to count down to and now he just felt lost. Because David was saying five weeks but he didn’t know if he could trust it.</p><p>“Just five more weeks Matteo I promise.” David moved closer to the screen, desperately trying to get him to believe him.</p><p>“You promised that six weeks ago,” Matteo joked, but it fell flat.</p><p>David looked like he’d slapped him and Matteo felt awful. This wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t supposed to put any of this on him. He was supposed to hide it so that David could cope over there.</p><p>“God I’m sorry,” David whispered. The quality of the video was good enough for Matteo to see his eyes were shining.</p><p>“No don’t be, it’s not your fault,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“I miss you. I miss you so much, you know that right? Matteo I really really miss you.”</p><p>Matteo just wanted to hold him. No, he wanted to be held, he wanted to be in David’s arms again. Nothing would comfort him but that. But he couldn’t have that right now. He ran a hand through his hair.</p><p>“God me too,” he mumbled, “don’t ever do this again please.” He was joking though, he knew that wasn’t fair. He couldn’t make David stay, this was his job. David didn’t laugh.</p><p>“I won’t. Ever. I promise.” </p><p>He was so serious as if he was willing Matteo to believe him. Matteo didn't want that. He wanted him here always but he would never ask that. Would never be the one who made him stay and miss all those opportunities. He wouldn’t be the the one to hold him back. “No David I’m just being dramatic, you don’t have to do that. I’ll survive.” </p><p>“Maybe but I won’t. I can’t do this again.” Matteo looked at him properly then, he looked exhausted, as tired as Matteo felt. He looked worn down, he’d lost a little weight he could see it in his face. Dark shadows under his eyes. </p><p>Matteo remembered just how painful this must be for him, away from all of them. David was being dead serious when he said he wasn’t leaving again. He was struggling just the same. He hadn’t wanted to go in the first place. It was Matteo that had pushed him to. Matteo couldn't help himself, he knelt up by the counter and reached out and stroked the screen.</p><p>They just smiled at each other a while. There wasn’t really much more to say. As painful as it was they’d get through this. And then they’d all be together again.</p><p>After a few minutes David nodded at whatever he could see behind Matteo just as there was a screech from Matty. He turned around to see him clapping his hands together, delightedly watching Jake dancing on the counter in the nude.</p><p>“For god sakes Jakey,” Matteo said, wrestling him down from the counter, “please don't climb on the counter and please wear clothes.” Dancing on the counter was the bigger worry, the floor was hard tiles and would not make for a soft landing if he fell.</p><p>“Matty threw his banana at me,” Jake said, his face the picture of innocence.</p><p>Matteo picked up the offending pyjama top which was now covered in mushed up banana.</p><p>“He threw it?” Matteo challenged.</p><p>“Jake spilt it all down himself,” Jamilah said, sounding far too long-suffering at her brother's antics for a nine-year-old.</p><p>“Nu-uh!”</p><p>“Yah huh!” </p><p>“No!”</p><p>“Yes!”</p><p>“Twins,” Matteo warned.</p><p>They both turned to him. “Yes papa?” they both said so sweetly. </p><p>Matteo groaned at their innocent faces and rolled his eyes. </p><p>“Ok can you manage to get dressed for school please? Teeth brushed? Schoolbags ready? Fifteen minutes can I trust you?” he asked. </p><p>“Er yeah papa! Jeesh I’m nine years old! Can you trust me? Who do you think I am? I’m your-”</p><p>“Can you just get dressed without the backchat?” Matteo knew this rant was likely to go on and on.</p><p>“Not possible,” Jamilah said, tilting her head and standing there with a hand on her hip.</p><p>Matteo just beamed at her, he couldn’t help it. </p><p>“I would never chat- chat at your back papa,” Jake said sweetly, completely misusing the term but understanding the meaning.</p><p>“You would,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Would not!”</p><p>“Would too!” </p><p>“No, I wouldn't!”</p><p>“Regardless you still have to wear clothes to school please.” Matteo directed them out of the room.</p><p>Jake stomped off grumbling about the unfairness of it all. Jamilah followed behind him, teasing him about the hardships of wearing trousers. </p><p>Matteo picked up Matty again and walked over to the screen, he sat Matty on the counter, holding his back, letting him sit up and press at the screen, trying to reach David.</p><p>“God I wanna come home,” David whined.</p><p>Matty giggled at his voice and hit the screen with his hands.</p><p>“To this madhouse?” Matteo asked, knowing he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.</p><p>“Yes.” David just held his gaze making him feel warm all over.</p><p>“Soon then,” Matteo whispered, bouncing Matty gently to keep him happy.</p><p>“Soon, five weeks I promise, no matter what I will be home,” David said, “and I meant it you know, I'm not leaving you again. These three months have been a nightmare. I don't wanna go through this again.”</p><p>Matteo shrugged and pressed a kiss to Matty’s head. He tried but it was just so hard to believe it on days like these.</p><p>“I just don't want you giving up opportunities because I'm so clingy.” </p><p>That wasn’t really fair. He knew he wasn’t listening to David right now. He was being stubborn but it was so hard to believe anything he said when he wasn’t here with him. But that wasn’t what was happening right now.</p><p>“Oh bullshit Matteo, if anything <em>I'm</em> clingy Matteo not you. Or we both are. But you've carried on, you've taken care of the kids, you still hang out with our friends, you still do all that PTA crap-”</p><p>“It's important David,” Matteo warned.</p><p>He knew that David despised those meetings. The few times he’d actually attended with Matteo there had been arguments. Not with the teachers, with the other parents. If he’d thought David was competitive before the kids he was on a whole other level now.</p><p>“I know but they are all stuck up losers Matteo,” David complained, like he hadn’t gone to one meeting and decided it was all bullshit. Since then he’d been a nightmare.</p><p>“Molly is gone you know? Moved Clara on to that fancy school when her husband got that promotion. You could come back now I know you were scared of her,” Matteo teased.</p><p>Molly Fischer had been one of David’s enemies since Jamilah had started school. Both super competitive over the kids and the various awards given out at the school. Matteo had had to warn him on more than one occasion to tone it down. He wasn’t having any pressure put on Jamilah or Jake just so he could one-up Molly Fischer.</p><p>“Was not. But what I'm saying is... yeah you're struggling but you've kept a good balance. I've literally worked and slept. I haven't enjoyed this at all. I’ve tried? But I just can’t be bothered. And like I've done location work before and it was hard. But since the kids, since we settled I haven't wanted to. Matteo I didn't want to be away and I would have told Francis no if it wasn't such an important story to him and to me.” </p><p>David stopped and sighed, and Matteo could just see how much this was getting to him.</p><p>“This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But you know what? It’s not clingy to want to be together, to want to be at home with you, so what if the past eighteen years we’ve spent all our time together? We’re married, it's normal,” he said, determined to make his point.</p><p>He was right though, it had been almost twenty years and they were just as clingy as ever. They would probably be the same in another twenty. Who cared? They were happy, the only issue was that it embarrassed the kids and they were used to it.</p><p>“I get it, I do,” Matteo promised, “so no more location work?”</p><p>He didn’t think he would be that lucky.</p><p>“A bit, I've got a project in Madrid at the end of the year but the kids will be on holiday so you can all come with.” A dreamy expression settled over David’s face. He was already imagining what the could get up to. It had been a while since they’d been to Spain but they’d always had fun there.</p><p>“Oh, that sounds good.” </p><p>That sounded absolutely perfect. That was the kind of location work he could get on board with. He liked going to shoots with David, liked travelling, he liked being on set. He loved everyone knowing he was the director’s husband. He never thought he would enjoy any of that but it hadn’t taken long for him to become accustomed to it. It would be nice to take the kids this time. A lovely family holiday.</p><p>He liked Madrid, they’d been there to film a TV series a few years before they got Jamilah, he’d had a good time. The kids would love it. Good food and festivities, and warmer weather than Berlin. Sounded perfect to him.</p><p>“Yeah we can rent a nice house there, just chill for two or three weeks and I'll get the time off around you. We can celebrate Christmas there. The kids can learn Spanish. You can learn Spanish-”</p><p>“I know Spanish you ass,” Matteo muttered, yeah he was rusty but he was fluent enough. </p><p>Last time he was there he was far better at Spanish than David. Had to do all the translating for him.</p><p>“Really?” David teased. </p><p>“Fuck you David!” Matteo covered Matty’s little ears even though he couldn’t understand.</p><p>“Fuck you David! Fuck you! Fuck you!” a tiny voice piped up beside him. </p><p>Shit.</p><p>“No Jakey! No that's a naughty word.” He turned to find a fully dressed Jake grinning up at him like he’d made a fantastic discovery. </p><p>“You said it,” Jake said. </p><p>“Papa was very naughty and he shouldn't have said it.”</p><p>“But daddy's laughing?” Jake looked so confused. He wanted to make his dad laugh with funny words.</p><p>And he was damn him. He wasn’t making this easier at all. Undermining him from across the sea. “Daddy is much much naughtier than papa.” He scowled at David until he stopped.</p><p>“Am not,” David argued. </p><p>“Daddy is,” Jake agreed solemnly. </p><p>“Hey! Jakey, why do you say these things?” David demanded, still laughing slightly.</p><p>To Matteo's complete surprise Jake just burst into tears. Just stood there crying his eyes out. David met his eye and looked just as shocked as he did.</p><p>Matteo rushed over to put Matty back into the high chair, he was crying now too. Started as soon as Jake did. </p><p>He picked Jake up and put him on the counter so he could talk to him properly. Speak to him at eye level. </p><p>“What's wrong sweetheart?” Matteo kept a gentle hold of him, he was trembling.</p><p>“Daddy is naughty. Daddy left me,” he cried, sobbing hard.</p><p>Matteo pulled Jake into his arms and rocked him gently, walking him around the room like he used to when Jake was just a tiny, terrified little boy. Soothing his tears away. He still had to do it sometimes, a lot less frequently than when he’d moved in but he would do it as long as he was strong enough to lift him.</p><p>Matteo glanced at David on the screen, he looked absolutely devastated and about five minutes away from booking a flight straight back there. This wouldn’t do, he wasn’t having a good day but he was the one who would have to keep it together for all of them.</p><p>“Oh Jakey no. No. Daddy hasn’t left you, I promise. Daddy is at work and it's a special work that he has to do far away. He's making a very important movie, a story that is really important to him, and it can only really be made in America. But once he is done he will come home, forever,” Matteo promised, stroking away his tears.</p><p>“I won't leave like this again I swear Jakey,” David insisted. </p><p>“Promise! You must promise!” Jamilah demanded from the doorway, also dressed and ready for school. </p><p>She wasn’t crying but she looked just as sad. Her sadness often looked like anger but he knew her well enough to know she was sad and upset.</p><p>“I promise. I promise, I'm so sorry I'm not there right now,” David was close to tears. This was breaking him.</p><p>“It's ok,” Jake mumbled, still sniffling but he was calming down. Matteo wouldn’t put him down yet but he carried him back to see David.</p><p>“No it isn't.” None of this was ok. “But I'll be back soon and I'll never leave you again, not like this, never for this long. Sometimes I will have to travel but I promise you I will never be away from you for more than a week or two ok?” he promised. </p><p>Jamillah stomped over to the screen. “Miriam’s daddy is away for so long for work.” She pressed herself against Matteo’s leg and peered up at the screen. </p><p>“Miriam’s daddy is in the army sweetheart. This is very different. Daddy chooses where he works, this is a very special circumstance, he would never choose to be away normally.” Matteo glanced at the clock and realised the time. They were late. Again. They couldn’t do this now. “Look we have to get you two to school ok? But tonight we'll call daddy and have a long chat ok? Talk about all of this.”</p><p>They were old enough to understand it, it was Matteo who hadn’t been talking about it. David had wanted to be open with them from the start. Matteo was more reluctant. Didn't want them dealing with grown up worries. But that wasn’t fair. He should have let David talk about it before he left. The problem was he couldn’t deal and didn’t want to think about it at all. So David had kept quiet.</p><p>So all they knew was that David was working away. That he was supposed to be back a week ago and that he wasn’t. They knew what he did, that he made movies. They knew he travelled a lot. But never for this long and never this far. But they didn’t quite get why this one had to be filmed in America. </p><p>“Ok twins? I’ll call you tonight and how about instead of a story I tell you about the film I’m working on, about me and my friend Francis yeah?” David said.</p><p>They knew David’s story or the kid-lite version and Jamilah knew some of Francis’, had even met him when she was younger. </p><p>“You said you couldn’t because it was for grown ups.” Jamilah glanced at Matteo. Excited now that she was going to learn grown up things.</p><p>That was pretty much what he had said, he was a little overprotective when it came to the three of them. And this film wasn’t for kids.</p><p>“Some of it I can’t tell you, but I can tell you almost all of it,” David said.</p><p>“Is it a happy film?” Jake was smiling now wiping the last of his tears away with his sleeve. How quickly their moods could change at that age. Those tears would be forgotten by lunchtime.</p><p>“It is a realistic film, but it has a happy ending,” David said.</p><p>“Ok daddy,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“So? Time for school?” Matteo gave them a once over, they were pretty much ready.</p><p>“Time for school,” Jamilah agreed.</p><p>“Ok ok. We’re late so let’s get going. Jakey coats and shoes for you and Mimmo, Jamilah get your rucksacks and then the two of you get Mimmo in the pram, oh and mittens for him please it’s chilly today, you two should too but you don’t have to. Make sure they’re in your coat pockets.” He lifted Matty out of the chair and put him down next to Jamilah, he wobbled but she grabbed his shoulders and walked him to the door.</p><p>He watched them bustle off to get ready and smiled.</p><p>“Oh aren’t they so good? I miss them so much, I miss you all so much Matteo,” David whispered.</p><p>He looked like he was on the edge of a breakdown, close to tears. Matteo couldn’t have that. He needed to be there for him, even though he couldn’t not physically. He approached the counter and leant on it heavily.</p><p>“That fucking hurt Matteo,” David said. He wasn’t even looking at him, just sitting on his sofa staring at the ceiling.</p><p>“Yeah I never… I don’t… I didn’t ever say you’d left them.” Matteo never thought the kids would think that. “David? David look at me.”</p><p>Slowly he lowered his head and made eye contact with him. “I know, god I know, I didn’t even think.” He ran a hand through his hair, “I thought they knew I was working, do they even get that though? You don’t even work so do they know why I do? Oh my god Matteo they think I’ve left them, Matteo-”</p><p>“Hush David hush, it’s ok, it’s ok. Don’t panic, it’s ok. They don’t think that. They don’t,” Matteo insisted, trying his best to calm his husband from the other side of the world. His very exhausted and now emotionally wrecked husband. He just needed him here, he needed to take care of him. These next five weeks were going to be the hardest. “Three months is like a lifetime for them.” </p><p>“Yeah,” David agreed.</p><p>“I mean we’re barely coping but we gotta remember they don’t even have the concept yet. Three months is like… the only comparison is their summer holidays, hell we’ve what? Jake is only six, five weeks seem like forever to him. So much changes for them in such a short time.” If he thought it felt like a long time to him, he couldn’t even imagine what it was like for them. Jake struggled with keeping track of time, they both did, they’d get up at the weekend and get ready for school if he didn’t stop them because they just didn’t get it. How could they judge three months?</p><p>David yawned and leant back closing his eyes for a moment.</p><p>When he turned back to the camera he looked so done with all of this.</p><p>“Yeah shit of course it does, god remember that week where on the Monday those shiny tokens were cool and by the time we got them like two days later three other toys had come and gone?”</p><p>Matteo nodded, damn it was hard to keep up with whatever was cool.</p><p>“And I thought by calling everyday we could negate it but of course we can't. I'm not there. I’m not there and of course it’s hurting them.” David rubbed his face in frustration. It was such a tough situation but they’d almost made it through. They could do this.</p><p>Matteo took a deep breath and leant closer. “David do you promise you’ll be back in five weeks?” Matteo asked.</p><p>David sighed, they’d been over this many times now. Ever since he’d had to call and break the news he wasn’t coming back. </p><p>They hadn't fought, Matteo hadn’t even broken down like David had been expecting, he’d just tiredly asked when he was coming home and then hung up the phone and gone to bed. He ignored David’s repeated calls, desperately trying to get in contact with him. It was mean and close to a fight he supposed, but he just wasn’t able to deal with it then. He’d been devastated, broken by it and he just had to check out for a while. </p><p>David got it though, called several times but in the end he gave him his space.</p><p>Matteo had asked David the same question everyday since. And David never got frustrated with him.</p><p>“Yes Matteo I promise,” David said, just as patiently as always. “No matter what happens I will be on that flight.”</p><p>Matteo nodded.</p><p>“Ok then here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to get a calendar, no we’ll make one, and it’ll help them count down.” Matteo tried to figure out what they would need. That was something to keep them all busy this afternoon though. He should’ve done it earlier but he’d been in a funk since he’d gotten the news. “You really promise David?”</p><p>Matteo saw his hands twitch and he knew it was instinct. If he were here right now his hands would be on Matteo’s face, holding it tenderly, gently keeping his gaze on him. Reassuring him. But right now he couldn’t do that. “Matteo I swear I’ll be back, five weeks no longer.”</p><p>“Ok… ok… I... we’re gonna count down again, but David if you don’t-”</p><p>“Matteo I will be back,” he said.</p><p>There was no room for arguments. David looked so determined that Matteo couldn’t help but believe him. He would be back. They could count down to his return and have something to work toward. If they had a number and saw it getting smaller it would help, it would feel real. Matteo had stopped counting the minute David had called to tell him wasn’t coming home and it was fucking him up. He needed it too.</p><p>He nodded. The relief on David’s face was obvious.</p><p>“Ok and I’ll talk to them tonight, reassure them, we’ll have a good long chat,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah we will, all of us,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“We’re ready papa,” Jamilah said, struggling to push the pram into the kitchen but not wanting to leave Matty all alone in the hallway.</p><p>Matteo gave Matty a once over and tucked his blanket around him but he was ready. Jake and Jamilah stood proudly in front of him, all dressed and ready to go. Matteo grinned and pulled hood over his head, causing him to giggle.</p><p>“I did my laces papa, all by myself.” Jake was a little quiet after his tears, and the rest of the day would probably go the same but he would be ok.</p><p>“Really?” Matteo didn’t doubt him but he checked them to make sure he wouldn’t trip later. He’d done them properly.</p><p>“He really did,” Jamilah said, grinning at him.</p><p>“Go tell daddy,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>Jake nodded and rushed over to the screen where David was waiting to say goodbye.</p><p>“Hey Jakey looking very handsome today.” David smiled fondly at him as he approached.</p><p>“Thank you daddy, I did my own shoelaces today,” he told him. Matteo stepped behind him and lifted him high above his head so he could show David his shoes. He could’ve just tilted the screen but that wouldn’t have made Jake laugh like he was, kicking his feet to show David.</p><p>“No!” David gasped, “oh Jakey you’re so clever,” he said proudly as Matteo lowered Jake to the ground.</p><p>Jake just ducked his head, smiling at his shoes. Matteo stayed behind him, crouching down and wrapping his arms around him. Jamilah came up beside him with the pram and they all smiled at David.</p><p>“Ok kids, you be good in school.” David smiled back at all of them. It was a sad smile and Matteo just hoped they couldn’t tell.</p><p>“We will,” Jake promised.</p><p>“Daddy I have to do my story that we wrote. The one you helped me with. The one with the penguins that escape from the zoo and take over the city,” Jamilah said.</p><p>That was a good story if not a little violent in nature. Her and David certainly had vivid imaginations when it came to storytelling. Matteo had made them take out the part where the penguins fed the mayor to the sharks. The part with all the floating limbs. He didn’t think Jamilah’s teacher would see the funny side when she read it out and made the other kids cry.</p><p>“And you’re reading it out?”.</p><p>“Yeah,” she said, bouncing on the balls of her feet and twisting her hands.</p><p>“Nervous?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Yeah.” </p><p>“You’ll be really good Jamilah. You're a really good reader. Almost as good as daddy,” Jake said.</p><p>“Oh Jakey you are the sweetest little brother aren't you?” Matteo said, pressing several kisses to his cheeks while he squirmed.</p><p>“You’ll be ok Jammy just do it like we practised,” David promised.</p><p>He may have been the other side of the world but he was still doing homework with them, reading them stories. He was still being as present as he possibly could be. They were all just doing their best.</p><p>“Ok daddy,” Jamilah said. </p><p>“Twins I love you both so much ok? And daddy’s going to be back in five weeks. I’ll call you tonight yeah? I’ll stay on the phone all night,” David said.</p><p>“Don’t you have to work?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Don’t care I want to talk to you,” David insisted.</p><p>Matteo grinned at him. He supposed the director got to do as he pleased. Not really but he did have some leeway and they could usually work out a few longer calls a week, working around the time differences.</p><p>“Ok, daddy.” Jake leant up and pressed his hands to the screen.</p><p>“Yay!” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Can you say bye bye to daddy Mimmo?” Matteo asked, waving at the screen.</p><p>Matty did the same scrunching his hands up and wriggling his fingers.</p><p>“Da da.”</p><p>“Bye Matty,” David cooed.</p><p>“Love you David,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Love you too ok? We’ll talk soon, you all have a good day ok?” David yawned again, eyes drifting closed for a second. He was exhausted and he had to be up again soon.</p><p>“David sweetheart you go to bed, you sleep ok? I love you,” Matteo said gently.</p><p>David nodded and the screen went black as he turned off the picture. He was still on the line though. “I love you too,” he mumbled.</p><p>Matteo didn’t hear enough movement, he was going to fall asleep on the couch.</p><p>“Babe please get undressed and go to bed ok?”</p><p>“I will, I love you.” It wasn't very convincing but then there was a lot of grumbling and David was obviously moving about.</p><p>“You said that already!” Jamilah huffed, “papa come on we’ll be late, bye daddy!”</p><p>“Bye everyone,” David murmured before disconnecting the call.</p><p>Then Matteo was very unceremoniously pulled to the front door by his nine-year-old daughter, only just managing to grab the pram on the way. He definitely wasn’t the one in charge here. Jamilah kept them all on track. And she was right, despite the fact they’d all been up on time, before his alarm even went off, they were late. Again. Just like every morning, they were running late. He gave all of them a quick once over and then shoved them out of the door.</p><p> </p><p>Three hours later Matteo was dozing off on the sofa. The house was tidy, apart from the bedroom. He’d already made lunch and dinner, done the laundry, and picked up Jamilah’s new trainers from the store. Jamilah had music class after school and Jake was staying to watch so he didn't need to pick them up until mid-afternoon.</p><p>So he was bored and when he was bored he slept. Usually, he never had any free time. He often spent the entire day running about all over the place. Kept busy with cooking, chores, and errands. And before Matty, he’d done all that <em>and</em> worked. Not alone, David did just as much the had a perfect balance. They just worked perfectly together and when David was away he usually coped just fine. </p><p>There was more stuff he could be doing today though. The less superficial stuff. The house looked tidy on the surface but there were bigger chores to be done but he just wasn’t feeling it. He needed to fix the loose latch on the bathroom window. And he really needed to tidy up the garden. David usually did that though. It looked clean enough and that was all he could manage in the mood he was in. The mood he’d been in all week.</p><p>So instead he was just lying there staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell he used to do with his time. In fairness he did used to have Jake at home too. And David was around a lot due to the weird hours he worked. He was never bored like this.</p><p>Now it was just him and Matty. And Matty was ignoring him, napping contentedly on his playmat in the middle of the floor. He had been laying down beside him but he’d had to get up. If he fell asleep on the floor he wouldn’t be getting up for a while. He was, as his dear daughter called him, a lame old man.</p><p>He was just drifting off when the doorbell rang.</p><p>He groaned. He couldn’t really ignore it but he was so tired. He sighed and glanced at Matty, he was fast asleep not going anywhere. He wished he could do the same. He groaned again as he got up from the sofa and dragged himself to the door.</p><p>“Were you sleeping?” Amira demanded, as soon as he opened it.</p><p>“No?” He opened the door wider and stepped back, letting her in. She’d brought Samir with her, Matteo gave him a little wave. </p><p>Amira leant up and pulled a piece of lego from his cheek, smirking at him. He was busted.</p><p>“Yeah fine, I was resting,” he admitted, “hey Samir.” He reached out and gave him a high-five.</p><p>“Is Jakey here?” he asked shyly.</p><p>“Jakey’s at school, but Mimmo’s here. He’s sleeping though.”</p><p>“Yay!” Samir made to run into the house but Amira grabbed the scruff of his shirt.</p><p>“Play gently with him,” she warned. He nodded and she let him run into the living room. “All his cousins are bigger than him, but he’ll be careful,” she assured him.</p><p>Matteo just nodded, he didn’t doubt it.</p><p>“So I’ve got the day off, Mo is at the school helping out. So I thought I would visit, check on you,” she placed a gentle hand on his arm, “you’re totally about to fall apart.”</p><p>Matteo closed the door and leant against it for a moment. “David was supposed to be home a week ago Amira.” He pushed himself up off the door and led her into the house.</p><p>“I know, it’s why I'm here- oh my god.” She stopped dead.</p><p>Matteo laughed at the scene in front of him. Matty was still asleep in the middle of the room. Samir had decided against waking him up to play and instead had laid down beside him and was already close to sleep himself.</p><p>“Why, when I put him down for a nap does he fight me to the end? And yet he takes one look at Matty sleeping and just… wants to sleep.” Amira sat down on the sofa, smiling at her son.</p><p>Matteo joined her, sitting at the other end and leaning back. She didn’t comment on his apparent lethargy, she got it. “I think he just has that effect, I was also kinda napping.”</p><p>She smirked at him. “I imagine that's a regular occurrence for you.”</p><p>He knew she was joking, she knew how busy he was usually and how much David being away was affecting him. But teasing him was how she cared, how she showed affection.</p><p>“Well all the parenting books say I should be sleeping when he’s sleeping,” Matteo countered.</p><p>“That’s for newborns dumbass,” Amira said.</p><p>Well, he was only a year and a half, he was still a baby in his eyes so he didn’t see a problem. He knew the books meant he should sleep when Matty was sleeping because newborns didn’t sleep a lot. So he’d done that when he was born and kept it up.</p><p>“Well it’s not that bad is it?”</p><p>He couldn’t see why it was a problem if he slept when Matty was sleeping, it made him tired watching him.</p><p>She shrugged. “I brought you something.” That got his attention, she bought the best treats. He watched as she pulled a Tupperware box out of her bag.</p><p>“Ooh what is it?” he asked, taking the box she handed him.</p><p>He opened it, inside were some shiny orange spirals. They looked like thick noodles but they smelled sweet and fragrant. His mouth was already watering, he had such a sweet tooth.</p><p>“Mo made jalebi last night, they’re for one of his friends at the school, but we saved you some.” She took some from the box and gestured for him to do the same.</p><p>They smelled so good but they were very bright and shiny so he hesitated. He was still funny about certain food but she knew that. “What is it though?” he asked, “have I had it?” He didn’t think he had. </p><p>“Not sure,” she said, “it’s pretty much fried sugar so you’ll love it.”</p><p>Matteo took a bite. The texture was fine, sticky but delicious. It was amazing, the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted, he could easily eat the whole box. He did have a sweet tooth and he loved fried food so it was perfect. She’d never given him these before he would definitely remember that. “Oh my god this is the best thing ever! Is it hard to make?” He shoved another piece in his mouth.</p><p>“Mo said it’s easy, essentially it’s flour batter fried in sugar syrup.” </p><p>“This is my new favourite thing,” Matteo said, eating one more piece then closing the box. If he didn’t stop there would be none left for the kids.</p><p>“You can give <em>some</em> to the kids but ration it,” she warned, “I had to remind Mo the same thing this morning or he’s gonna have a class full of sugar hyped seven-year-olds.”</p><p>He could just imagine them eating it all, bouncing off the walls and then making themselves sick.</p><p>“Oh god yeah… actually, if I’m not careful I’ll eat it all,” he agreed, “how come he’s back at work?” he asked.</p><p>“Mrs Green is off sick and he’s covering for this week because they couldn’t find anyone short notice,” she said.</p><p>Mohammed was a teacher at Jamilah and Jake’s school, part-time due to childcare commitments. When Jamilah had first come to live with them she’d been having a lot of trouble with school, with settling, and everything else that came with such a difficult transition. </p><p>The teachers were judgy and treated her like she was trouble. She acted out a lot then but she’d just been rescued from an abusive home. Matteo went off on her teacher explaining that. David had been about to pull her out of the school in anger when her caseworker suggested the same thing. Albeit with less rage and anger. Just give her a completely fresh start.</p><p>It was Mohammed who suggested she move to his school and promised to look out for her. So that’s what they did, moving out of their apartment to this house to be closer. </p><p>Mohammed was her favourite teacher. He was everyone’s favourite teacher.</p><p>“I can take Samir the rest of the week if that helps,” Matteo offered.</p><p>She just smiled at him. “Ah thanks, that’s not why I’m here,” she clarified. No she was here to check up on him.</p><p>“I know, but I don’t mind,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Maybe. My mum can take him from Thursday but she’s visiting family until then. I can a couple of days, I have family days left.” </p><p>Amira was a cardiologist and led a busy life but Samir and Mohammed came first always. She really had that work-life balance down. Incredible for the top doctor in the city. He just shrugged, he didn’t mind, he’d love to have Samir here during the day. He was a good boy, shy but happy.</p><p>He’d just love to not be alone all day. </p><p>“But I can come over?”</p><p>“Yeah a little, it’s too quiet,” he admitted.</p><p>She patted his knee. “I’m here for you Matteo,” she said.</p><p>He just smiled. He was already feeling better with her there. It was just the loneliness that was getting to him he supposed. That and he was slowly retreating from others the more tired he got. But she understood that. He suspected David had called her. Laura had been over all weekend because David was worried. He appreciated it though, Amira would probably find it overbearing but he just felt cared for. “Do you want a proper lunch? I’ve got a chickpea curry on the stove, or a spinach and potato salad in the fridge,” he offered.</p><p>She nodded and stood up, glanced at the two sleeping kids and followed him to the kitchen.</p><p>She peered into the pan on the stove and smiled her approval so he dished up. There was plenty for the kids when they got home. They’d be starving as always. </p><p>“Wow remember when all you could make was pasta?” She took the bowls he passed her and put them on the tray. </p><p>He grabbed some drinks and they carried everything through to the living room. Placing it all on the coffee table. They had a dining room they should really eat in but they never did. Usually they all ate in the kitchen because that was Matteo’s favourite room. David said they could use the dining room for dinner parties. They only used it for the holidays, when all the parents came round for food.</p><p>“Er no? Because I could also make pizza,” Matteo joked, “but er… I started learning other dishes back when I was living with David and Laura, and I dunno, I like to cook, I enjoy it,” he told her.</p><p>“I know,” she agreed, “Samir, sweetie wake up.”</p><p>Samir sat up and blinked at her sleepily.</p><p>“Sweetheart come have some lunch,” she said, holding out a bowl, “Uncle Matteo made it.”</p><p>Samir took the bowl and sat down by her knee. </p><p>“Thank you, Matteo,” he said quietly.</p><p>Matteo reached out and ruffled his hair. He got up and picked Matty up, sitting him on his knee. He woke up slowly and reached out for him, grabbing at his hair. Matteo pushed his hair back away from his grasp and started to feed him small spoonfuls of rice and tomatoes, and a little of the curry. It wasn’t spicy, just cumin, turmeric, and a little ginger, mild enough for all of them. He noticed Amira watching him fondly. </p><p>“This is really good,” she said.</p><p>He laughed. “Always so surprised.”</p><p>“No I’m not surprised, I know you’re a better cook than me, I’m willing to admit that.” She leant down to wipe the sauce from Samir’s chin.</p><p>“Wow I’m honoured,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No but I can cook just fine. I think… when you enjoy it like you do it’s always going to be better, Mo loves to cook, and it always tastes better than anything I can make.” </p><p>“Your food is yummy mama,” Samir said.</p><p>What a little angel he was. A total goody two shoes.</p><p>“Thank you, sweetheart.”</p><p>“See David almost never cooks because he’s spoiled but sometimes when he does, usually it’s for a special occasion and it’s always amazing because he puts so much effort in,” Matteo told her.</p><p>“Cute,” she said.</p><p>“Yeah.” He smiled to himself, he loved when David cooked for him. He would get so flustered. He was a good cook but it didn’t come naturally. He had to follow recipes exactly and everything had to be perfect. Matteo hadn’t followed a recipe book in years, it was such a stressful way of cooking. But David had to check off every step and he would get so annoyed if Matteo even stepped foot in the kitchen. Whereas Matteo loved David watching him cook.</p><p>“How’s Jakey getting on at school?” Amira asked him.</p><p>She knew he was worried, they’d been talking about it all summer. She knew he wasn’t happy about letting him go. Had teased him relentlessly about it. But she was going to be in exactly the same position in a year.</p><p>“He’s ok… he was pretty quiet the first week but it’s a lot. Mama says she remembers how overwhelming it was for me, says it’s normal. He seems to be adjusting… I don’t know though... he’s so close to Jamilah which is amazing. But then he’s not really trying with the other kids.”</p><p>He was worried because the last thing he wanted was for Jake to be lonely but he never seemed unhappy.</p><p>“Ah, and it’s like they really are twins?” </p><p>“Yeah and that would be fine except they’re not and they’re not in the same class so I worry about him on his own,” Matteo explained.</p><p>He was probably projecting a little.</p><p>“Just give it time, he’s an odd mix of quiet, shy and yet also the chattiest little boy you can meet,” she said, “but there’s no rush with these things.”</p><p>“But he’s chattier with us than with other kids, I was like that too,” Matteo said.</p><p>He was worried that this was his influence, his weirdness affecting Jake. He’d always struggled socially. He’d gone through school pretty lonely until Jonas came along. David said he was being silly, that his worries were unfounded but didn’t dismiss them, just tried his best to reassure him.</p><p>“But you made friends eventually,” Amira reminded him, “and Jakey being like you is a good thing because you’re so loyal and kind. Jake’s like that too and kids will see that and want to be his friend.”</p><p>He just smiled at her, he’d really needed to hear that. She knew that though, saw he needed comforting. He was struggling with everything going on right now and even some of the sillier things felt so heavy.</p><p>“Thank you, Amira. What about Samir? One more year,” Matteo reminded her, putting down Matty’s bowl after he pushed away the spoon for the fourth time.</p><p>He bounced Matty on his knee for a moment then put him down on the floor and watched him toddle over to Samir.</p><p>“I think he’ll be ok, he already gets on well with kids, he’s got a lot of cousins, and he sometimes goes to classes at the mosque, he does preschool a couple of times a week so I think he’s ready,” she said.</p><p>That was an advantage he had over Jake. He watched Samir put his food down, and follow Matty over to the toys.</p><p>“Yeah of course. See that was the thing I didn’t want Jakey at preschool I wanted him home with me,” Matteo admitted.</p><p>He couldn’t help feel liked he’d made a mistake.</p><p>Amira nodded. “Right but it was different Matteo because of how he was when you first got him. I haven’t forgotten and neither have you, I don’t think preschool would have been a good idea,” she insisted.</p><p>Jake barely spoke when he moved in, jumped at the slightest sounds. Could not sleep through the night. The way Jamilah was with him now, loud and boisterous, that had developed over the years. She’d always been loud and they encouraged it. Once she realised she wasn’t going to be told off for making a noise she just ran with it. But when Jake moved in it was as if she’d turned it all off, she was so gentle with him, so careful. Would sit by his bed while he slept to make him feel safe. She was still just as protective now. But she knew best what he could handle and never pushed. They’d known he was ready for school because of how Jamilah had started to behave around him. Knew he was ready to handle the other kids.</p><p>“Are you sure?” he asked.</p><p>“I’m sure. And look he gets on great with Samir, and he absolutely loves Noah. He’s fine, with school he just needs to find that one kid his own age and he’ll do great,” she promised.</p><p>“Thanks Amira,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“So... Jamilah was talking to me when she was over the other day,” Amira said.</p><p>She wanted his attention. Maybe she wasn’t just here to check up on him. He wondered if it was more stuff he couldn’t handle.</p><p>“Yeah?” he asked tentatively. </p><p>“Nothing bad.” Amira patted his knee again, reassuring him “It was while you and Mo were ignoring us and messing about in the kitchen.” The expression on her face showed that she thought he’d behaved rudely.</p><p>“I was cooking.” </p><p>Matteo watched Samir showing Matty his shape blocks, trying to teach him. But Matty kept taking them from him and trying to eat them.</p><p>“You were <em>my</em> guest,” Amira said.</p><p>“Well sorry… but I like to learn new dishes,” he argued.</p><p>No matter how long he’d been doing this, winning the argument was rare.</p><p>“It’s fine.” She wasn’t conceding though, just wanted to get to her point. “Mo loves cooking with you, means I don’t have to humour him. But Jamilah was asking me about my scarf?  My hijab?”</p><p>“Oh,” he said quietly.</p><p>He’d been expecting it really, they’d been transparent with Jamilah about her background. Honest as they could be, answering any questions she’d had. </p><p>She’d had good kind birth parents, both Muslim. Her mother from Somalia, her father from Sudan, they’d met at university in Berlin where they'd both studied Physics. He reckoned that’s where Jamilah’s keen curiosity came from, her parents being scientists and all. They’d graduated and chosen to stay there in Berlin. Her mother worked for a fancy engineering firm, her father continued to work at the university, a proper academic, research and teaching. </p><p>They’d just been starting out in life when they’d been killed in a car accident. </p><p>Jamilah had been in the back asleep when it happened, three years old. She’d escaped unharmed and with no memory of the accident. She did have a few good memories of her parents. And if she’d come straight to him and David straight after the accident, that would’ve been reinforced. They would’ve encouraged her to talk about them at length, traced her extended family and ensured she was in touch with them. </p><p>But that wasn’t what happened. She was sent somewhere else. Somewhere where she wasn’t nurtured or encouraged. Somewhere where her ethnicity and heritage was treated like a problem. A place where they’d told a girl, too young to understand grown-ups could lie, that she’d been left behind and abandoned. That she wasn’t wanted. That she was trouble and this was the best she would get. Somewhere David had to stop Matteo from going to and getting them both into trouble. From losing his job and probably getting arrested. </p><p>It was a random check-up, Matteo covering for someone else noticed there hadn’t been an assessment in a while. He’d gone round and immediately felt uneasy. Couldn’t put his finger on it. Went back several times and despite the foster parents putting in a complaint of harassment still couldn’t let it go. Even though nothing appeared wrong on the surface. He went to her school after that, pushed the limits of what his powers enabled, took her out of class and sat down with her in the principal’s office. Finally she told him everything, half afraid she was going to be dismissed again but so worn down by her situation that she couldn’t keep quiet. </p><p>She hadn’t stepped foot in that house again. </p><p>She was safe now. And they were working on it slowly, encouraging her to remember her past with her parents. That they had not abandoned her. But it was hard, she’d been so young and memory was tricky at that age. They had to be careful with it and not push. If she said stop talking about it, they had to because otherwise, she would get upset. She would get angry and it hurt her. But they didn’t want her to be in the dark either.</p><p>So they’d learnt everything they could, contacted everyone they could get hold of and they were ready. When she was ready they would talk about everything she wanted to, tell her as much as they could when she was ready to ask.</p><p>“She’s curious,” Amira told him, “spoke of her mother.”</p><p>That wasn’t too much of surprise at all. Jamilah probably asked him over a hundred questions a day. About anything from why plants needed water to what shadows were made out of. Often by the time Matteo had figured out an answer for her she’d jumped to the next thing. She also talked about her birth parents every now and then, now that she knew she was allowed.</p><p>“She’s curious about everything,” he mused, “she wore a hijab, her mama.”</p><p>“If she wants to, are you going to let her?” Amira asked.</p><p>“What? No?”</p><p>He frowned at her confused. He didn’t mean for it to come out that way. Amira looked a little shocked but not annoyed, not yet anyway. He realised how it sounded but Amira waited, as always, giving him the chance to explain what he meant.</p><p>“I didn’t mean that,” he said.</p><p>“I know,” she said gently.</p><p>“I meant… we won’t <em>let </em>her…”</p><p>She raised an eyebrow at his struggle but made no attempt to help him explain. She was an evil woman, amused by the way he floundered his words sometimes. In return he was allowed to tease her whenever she was particularly soft. As rare as that was.</p><p>“I… what I meant was it’s her choice not ours, she doesn’t have to ask permission for this.” She never had to ask permission for something like this. As if they would say no.</p><p>Amira just smirked, she was winding him up. “I knew what you meant.”</p><p>He rolled his eyes. “Sorry if it sounded bad. Just the way you asked it made it sound like it’s something we have to allow... it’s not… she can do whatever she wants or…”</p><p>“Right?”</p><p>“No that sounds bad still, hold on I’m not explaining it right,” he muttered, turning to watch the boys playing for a minute while he tried to figure it out.</p><p>Maybe it was best Jamilah had these conversations with Amira if he was just going to fuck it up. He felt on the spot now, like he had to justify how he was raising his daughter.</p><p>“It's ok Matteo I think I get what you’re trying to say. Stop worrying about saying the wrong thing, just get out what you’re trying to say, I won’t get cross,” she promised.</p><p>Amira rarely got cross with him these days, long gone were those frustrated arguments they used to have. Ones where he stumbled through stupid questions and she reacted quickly and sometimes harshly. Because she knew now he never meant to be hurtful and corrected him gently if it was needed. But she also just understood sometimes it took a little more time to get his point across and a little more patience to understand his meaning.</p><p>It didn’t excuse some of the shit he’d said as a teenager but they were a long way from that now.</p><p>“Ok. Ok. It’s difficult to explain,” he said, there was so much to this and it wasn’t straightforward. He’d thought he’d been taking the right approach but he didn’t know how to explain it. And as soon as he had to justify it he started doubting everything.</p><p>He was terrible at explaining his random and disjointed thoughts. He always got off track jumping from one thought to another in such a nonlinear way that no one ever got what he meant. Or that’s how it felt to him.</p><p>David was always quick to point out he always covered everything, he just got to his final points in a rather roundabout way. He could usually keep up, he hoped Amira could too.</p><p>“We had to go through all this with the judges, prove we were suited to take care of her. There was no one else coming to claim her, so she was going to stay in the system for god knows how long. God knows where she’d have been sent. Look at the placement she’d come from. <em>And</em> they’d actually only just relaxed those rules that said kids had to be placed in matching families,” he began.</p><p>“I mean David isn’t white,” Amira pointed out.</p><p>“No, and I think that helped us a bit.” It was all such a hassle and he was a social worker, he knew the system. Knew how to navigate it and how spot on everything had to be with all the paperwork, bureaucracy, and criteria. He didn’t know how anyone else managed to deal with it. Jumping through all those damn hoops. He understood the necessity, would be happy to be grilled and assessed to know that his daughter was safe but then why had she been placed in danger the first time?</p><p>“Did that hinder you with Jake? David?” she asked knowingly. She knew that there were people blindly against someone like David adopting Jake.</p><p>That was a shared experience for her and David that Matteo was still getting used to even now. Getting Jamilah had definitely been easier than getting Jake, which had made Matteo feel ill and uncomfortable. It was as if they hadn’t wanted to keep Jamilah in their system, couldn’t wait to unload her knowing she was less likely to be placed because of her age and race. It would save them money to offload her on Matteo and David. Because who else would want her? They just went through the motions of all the assessments with her. Glad to get her off their hands.</p><p>With Jake, they very clearly thought he had better options than them, a gay couple, one of whom was a trans man, who wasn’t white enough to parent Jake apparently. What the fuck that had to do with anything Matteo had no idea. But he’d seen it before. And David was completely unsurprised. He wasn’t happy but he wasn’t surprised. The thinly veiled bigotry they’d dealt with made Matteo angrier than he’d ever been. And it was nothing compared to David’s rage.</p><p>“Yeah the fucking system, it’s the system I work in and it’s such a mess. It <em>was </em>way worse with Jakey and those assessors were such fucking… sorry…” he trailed off, glancing at Samir who wasn’t even paying them any attention.</p><p>He was still dead set on showing Matty the shapes. Patiently saying square over and over. Amira smiled at him fondly. </p><p>“A teacher just like his papa,” she said, “and you tone down the language,” she warned.</p><p>“Ok sorry. They were definitely racist and homophobic, and transphobic. They hated David. Barely tolerated me. If I didn't know everything about how this worked, if I didn’t have close colleagues supporting us and if David wasn’t so damn strong… he carried me through it you know? I dunno, I can see why people just give up.”</p><p>There had been a lot of tears, a lot of nights spent crying. It was incessant. David never gave up, despite the constant doubts that he could be a good parent. Because of something so fundamental about him that had no impact on his parenting whatsoever. There had been a lot of shouting matches with lawyers and caseworkers and judges. But they’d kept fighting. Refused to let Jake go and god was it worth it.</p><p>“Yeah, I can’t even imagine having to deal with that,” Amira said.</p><p>“Yeah, then we went in with Matty’s case ready for much of the same, went in ready to fight and it ended up being so much more straightforward. Essentially some of those assessors are assholes and should never be allowed to decide who gets to take care of a child. Plus Lisa wanted us, she had a say so… it all worked out.”</p><p>Lisa, Matty’s mother had been in the system herself. Barely seventeen but she had a good support network in place. Had all the support she needed as rare as that was. But she just wasn’t ready to raise a child. And he and David had been. It all just worked out. Three very different stories of how their children came to them.</p><p>“Right but back to Jamilah and her hijab,” Amira reminded him.</p><p>“Ok so I’m already off track.” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, “what we told the judge, and what we would have always done anyway, was that we would let her choose, but that we would support her with whatever choices she makes.”</p><p>“I remember writing that letter?”</p><p>“Saying you supported us yeah. That really helped too, so they read it and our statements and decided we were fit parents for her. But how it stands now and what we told the assessors then was the truth. Like er… religion-wise, David was raised Jewish as you know but because of his parents he still struggles sometimes. He’ll kinda go through ups and downs with it because they used it against him for so long. But he would never let that get in the way for Jammy. </p><p>“For me I don’t know what I believe any more, for a long time church was this thing that plagued my mama but before that, I loved it so… I dunno. I wouldn’t push it on any of them. It’s very much up to them. I still go to church with my mama sometimes because it’s just something I like to do,” he explained.</p><p>That was enough for him.</p><p>“Do you take Jamilah?” There was no judgement in her tone, just curiosity.</p><p>“Sometimes. And Jakey and Matty too. They like it, they like the singing and the quiet and they're really well behaved. But it’s not really church for them… it’s just something they associate with mama, they like to see her sing.” </p><p>They all loved coming with him, and he loved having them there. David even came along sometimes. It was all for mama essentially and they all loved her. But for Matteo, it was more about the nostalgia, this quiet calm place from his childhood. He was just glad he felt safe there again.</p><p>“Would you ever take her to the mosque?” Amira asked.</p><p>“Yes if she asked me,” Matteo said.</p><p>“But don’t you think you should bring it up?”</p><p>He frowned as he worked out where she was going with this. “No I have,” he insisted because if he didn’t she might think it was something they weren’t supposed to talk about. “We have. Like I don’t expect her to just know all this stuff. She knows her background, those memories haven’t gone anywhere. I’ve offered to take her but she hasn’t wanted to yet.”</p><p>Amira frowned.</p><p>“I’m not going to make her, she has bad memories, Amira you know that. I know it’s not anything to do with this directly but that’s not how it works when you’re nine. There’s a lot of shit she’s been told that we have to counteract and unfortunately the best way is not to just immerse her in all the good of your religion. I have to let her do what she wants, it’s important she has agency with this. But I will never let her forget where she came from, even if it would help her forget the in-between.”</p><p>She smiled at him and he knew he was right on this. “You’re right, of course, you are. I trust you, Matteo, it’s just difficult I thought by leaving it up to her she might just never go but of course, it’s more complicated than that. And of course you have a plan, you know what you’re doing.”</p><p>“But it’s not like I brought it up just one time, every time we go to church, every time we talk about the past, every time Islam comes up we talk about it but it will be her choice,” Matteo assured her.</p><p>“I never meant to make you doubt yourself, I’m sorry for that,” she said.</p><p>Motherhood was making her soft, there was once a time when she would never admit he was right.</p><p>He had known that too, Amira still came off as a little harsh sometimes, a little forthright in her questions but she rarely meant it that way. He’d known her so long now he always knew what she meant, eventually.</p><p>“So hijab?” Matteo prompted, grinning at her.</p><p>“Mama, Matteo look!” </p><p>They turned to Samir who was holding the cube in front of Matty expectantly.</p><p>“Say square Matty, square… square… square,” he said.</p><p>“Scare,” Mattey squealed, grabbing the cube.</p><p>“See!”</p><p>“Well done Samir,” Amira praised, clapping her hands.</p><p>“Now do circle,” Matteo suggested.</p><p>Samir nodded and picked up the circle toy. Matty probably didn’t know square, was just repeating the sounds he heard, but Samir didn’t need to know that.</p><p>“She wanted to know if she was allowed to wear one,” Amira told him.</p><p>“What did you say?” Matteo asked.</p><p>He trusted whatever decision Amira made on this matter. He wanted her to be someone Jamilah could feel comfortable going to. Amira wrinkled her nose as she thought about what to say, there was obviously more to this. He just smiled encouragingly.</p><p>“I’m not sure… I mean I told her yes of course but I’m not sure that she was asking about the hijab, or it was actually a way for her to bring up her mum? Because she talked about her, and the hijabs she used to wear. She remembers.”</p><p>He’d been trying for years to gently get her to talk about it. It seemed like she was testing the waters with Amira first, working out how to broach it with them. Now the decision was whether to bring it up or let her come to them. “That’s good.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah, it would be a good way for her to feel close to her.”</p><p>“I told her to ask you? But she hasn’t?” she asked.</p><p>He wasn’t too worried about it though. She’d not necessarily kept anything from him yet, she would come to him or David when she wanted to. He would give her some time and then he would bring it up. “She will, maybe she’s waiting for David to come home.” </p><p>He knew she was worried about him, about both of them. Which he hated.</p><p>“Do you know the rules by the way?”</p><p>“Yeah and I know I can ask you and you won’t get mad because you promised in that letter that you would help us graciously.” He smirked at her as she frowned.</p><p>“I did not,” she muttered as she tried to remember what she’d written.</p><p>“You did, I still have it.”</p><p>She looked at him, surprised. “You do?”</p><p>“Of course, it was wonderful, I was so grateful,” he said quietly, “I do have a question.”</p><p>“Shoot,” Amira said.</p><p>“It’s just she’s adopted so does it count that-”</p><p>“You’re her father Matteo, David too, it absolutely counts,” Amira insisted.</p><p>He smiled in relief, David had told him so too, but sometimes he needed to hear these things from Amira. </p><p>“So I can still do her hair?” Matteo said.</p><p>Amira raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“What?” he asked.</p><p>“You really think you're still going to be doing her pigtails when she’s thirteen?”</p><p>He blinked, confused. Of course he would, why wouldn’t he? “Yeah… or no?” he asked.</p><p>“Dream on Matteo,” she teased.</p><p>He didn’t get it. “Why not?” he demanded.</p><p>“Ok no thirteen-year-old wants their dad doing their hair,” she joked, laughing at him, “and I doubt she’s going to wear pigtails either.” She stopped laughing, she must have seen something in his face.</p><p>“You don’t know that,” he said quietly.</p><p>“No I don’t,” she agreed, “but if you’re happy for me to teach her this stuff, when she is ready, I can,” she said. </p><p>“Thank you and me too, I want to know it all,” Matteo said. “Me and David learnt as much as we could. David knew loads already you know? He’s always been interested in this stuff, it started off because it was something he had to argue with his parents constantly. Counter every argument the had that he was going against god. But he kept learning and looked into every religion that might have have a problem with him. He helped me study up and once I start learning something I tend to want to know all of it. I find it very beautiful.”</p><p>“I bet you were such a good little church boy,” she said.</p><p>“I really was.” His mum said he’d been a little angel in church and a little devil everywhere else. Constantly getting into mischief. “I have one more question-”</p><p>“Matteo look!” Samir said, running up and grabbing his hand, pulling him over to where Matty was sitting watching them. If Matteo didn’t know any better he’d say Matty looked amused. But that wasn’t possible he was only one. He couldn’t smirk at them.</p><p>Amira followed them and they both crouched down. They watched him as he held the circle in front of Matty.</p><p>“Matty? Circle… say circle,” he said.</p><p>“Gur...kal,” Matty tried.</p><p>Matteo grinned.</p><p>“Well done Samir, you’re a very good teacher,” he said.</p><p>Samir beamed and turned back to Matty, handing him the circle which he immediately shoved in his mouth.</p><p>Matteo turned back to Amira. They sat down on the floor properly, Amira pulling Samir onto her lap and clapping their hands together.</p><p>“No just that if you’re going to be answering questions for Jamilah, you’ll have to answer questions for Jake too-”</p><p>“Jake! Jake is my friend!”</p><p>“Yes, he is,” Matteo agreed, poking his tummy until he giggled. “But if Jamilah wants to pray you’ll have to show Jake too, is that ok? They like to do things the same.”</p><p>As much as they fought and bickered between themselves it was always the two of them together, against anyone else. David’s mother had once likened it to how Laura and David had been when they were kids. Matteo loved that. He wanted them to grow up as close as David and Laura had.</p><p>“Are you going to let him wear a scarf?” Amira joked.</p><p>Matteo rolled his eyes. “Funny,” he said, “but I don’t think it would have the same effect if he’s butt naked.”</p><p>She burst out laughing at the image that painted, Matteo couldn’t help but join her, despite his despair at Jake’s aversion to clothes. The thought of Jake dancing around in just a scarf was pretty hilarious.</p><p>“Still not a fan of trousers? Amira asked.</p><p>“I just don’t get it,” he whined, taking the plastic circle from Matty’s mouth and replacing it with his teething ring.</p><p>Amira just continued to laugh.</p><p>“I mean on a real basic level the practice is to cover your hair in front of any boy you can marry, the effect is lessened if he’s nude,” she said wickedly. “There’s a lot more to it, but I’m happy to teach him if he wants, Jakey’s such a good boy, I love him and-”</p><p>“God this morning Amira,” Matteo muttered, running a hand over his face at the memory of their call earlier. He still felt shaken over the whole thing.</p><p>“What happened?” She was immediately concerned at the tone of his voice.</p><p>“He totally broke down, crying his eyes out, asking why David had left him,” Matteo said. </p><p>He closed his eyes for a second, just thinking about how David had to deal with that all by himself.</p><p>“Oh Matteo,” Amira said softly, letting Samir down and moving a little closer.</p><p>“Yeah, I didn’t even know just how upset they are. It almost killed David, he was on the phone at the time,” Matteo explained.</p><p>He’d felt completely out of control, didn’t even know how to get a handle on it.</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“This is so hard for you,” she said.</p><p>“He doesn’t really understand why David isn’t here, why he’s not back when he said he would be.”</p><p>“It’s a long time for a six-year-old,” she agreed.</p><p>“It’s a long time for me, I know it’s pathetic. I know I should be able to pull myself together but I can't. Amira this is killing me,” Matteo admitted, burying his face in his hands. </p><p>He just couldn't keep this in anymore. Couldn't keep pretending. It was too hard, why the hell were they doing this to each other? And all the kids could see it and if he wasn’t holding it together how could he expect them to?</p><p>“It’s not pathetic, it’s not,” she insisted, “David is your husband, it's not sad or pathetic that you miss him, it’s normal. You’ve been together for almost twenty years and you still enjoy each other’s company over anyone else’s. That’s a good thing and it’s not pathetic at all. It’s healthy, it’s good. I know some couples work better with their independence, they need that space, but neither of you are those people.</p><p>“And… you are perfectly capable of spending time apart, David is away from home a lot, filming and working. Even when he’s local he works weird hours. You’re not exactly together all the time. But this is different, because he can’t just pop home when you miss him, or the kids miss him. He’s a lot further away. And that would’ve probably been fine for a month or two. But he said three and that’s what you prepared for, you knew it would be hard but you had an end in sight and that end has come and gone. I know how you work Matteo, you must feel like you can’t trust anything now,” she said.</p><p>She’d got it exactly right. The three months were hell, lonely and miserable. But he’d had an ending, something to work towards. David had taken that back and now Matteo was bereft. If he didn’t have a date to work for what was the point? As soon as David had called him to break the news that was it, his mind had gone into overdrive. All David had said was that he was really sorry but they were behind on filming. But Matteo had hung up, just locked himself away and imagined up all kinds of devastating scenarios. The film going on indefinitely, David picking up another project while he was there, David deciding to move out there permanently, David forgetting about him. He knew it was stupid but he was sad and lonely and it was hard to fight that when he was vulnerable. They hadn't talked about it either, David probably too scared to bring it up. Matteo was just not able to even think about it. It was only making it worse.</p><p>“But Matteo this is so hard on David ok? He’s struggling too, and he needs you. He’s not staying there I promise. He will come home, I know change is so hard for you, and then an extra change in the plans must be messing you up but you’ve got to trust him. He’s working like hell to get back to you,” she insisted.</p><p>“But what if he doesn’t?” Matteo asked quietly.</p><p>“Matteo,” she said.</p><p>“I know it’s stupid Amira but I’m so scared,” he said.</p><p>“Ok. Ok. Come on, just take a moment and think about it, do you really think David can stay away from you?”</p><p>“No but…”</p><p>“He didn’t even want to go in the first place. Not really. But I can tell you this, he’s called me eight times to talk him out of quitting this and jumping on the next flight back, five of those have been since last week. Nothing is stopping him coming home, do you believe me?” she asked.</p><p>“No,” he said.</p><p>“Can you hold on the last few weeks?” she asked.</p><p>“It’s hurting me,” he said.</p><p>“I know but can you?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he said quietly, taking a deep breath.</p><p>“And when he does come back you need to talk about this, that he needs to stay put,” Amira said.</p><p>“But that’s not fair.” He wouldn’t be that guy, holding back his husband from achieving his dreams, no way. It just wasn’t fair.</p><p>“And you need to talk about that too because David already gets it, it’s you that doesn't,” she said firmly.</p><p>He blinked, no idea what she was talking about now.</p><p>“Get what?” he asked.</p><p>“There is no ‘not fair’ about this, David is your husband, it’s here he needs to be. You are not nor have you ever held him back. You do nothing but encourage and inspire him, he has done so much, he has made some of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen, all those awards he’s won, he’s done everything he’s ever dreamed about since he was a kid,” Amira said, smiling.</p><p>“I know,” Matteo said proudly.</p><p>“But you read all the interviews?”</p><p>He scoffed.</p><p>“Yeah of course,” he said.</p><p>He read them, printed them and kept them in his David box. He had three of them now, plus one box each for the kids.</p><p>She just looked at him.</p><p>“What?” he demanded,</p><p>“Don’t you see it’s you? You and the kids, you are his life’s biggest achievement, every single interview he does it comes up, it doesn't matter what film he’s creating at the time, what award he’s up for none of it is worth a fraction of the life, the family you two have created, and it’s you that keeps him going, without you what would inspire him?” she asked.</p><p>Matteo closed his eyes and took a deep shuddering breath. He tried to stay calm.</p><p>“I’m not ok,” he whispered, “not without him. But… this wasn’t a mistake, he needed to make this movie.”</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“I know,” she agreed, “but this doesn't need to happen again and you need to stop feeling guilty for wanting him here with you.”</p><p>Matteo just sat there for a moment, processing her words. She was right, he knew she was. He needed to listen to David when he said that here was where he wanted to be. Needed to stop projecting his own worries. It would take some time, some effort but he could do it. He was strong too.</p><p>Amira smiled as she saw her words sink in.</p><p>“You’re gonna be fine, or maybe not,” she glanced at her watch, “I believe you’ve got some kids to pick up?”</p><p>He checked the time and gasped, he had ten minutes until the music group finished. How had the time gone so quickly? This was what he needed to be doing, spending time with his friends not trying to sleep it all away. He felt so much better just from talking to her.</p><p>“I’m late,” he muttered, standing up and offering a hand to Amira.</p><p>She took it and allowed him to pull her up. “As always.” She didn’t make any move to hurry along, just grinned at him.</p><p>“Walk with me?”</p><p>“I mean, I’m going to the school anyway, my dear husband is there.” She grabbed Samir’s jacket from where he’d discarded it on the floor.</p><p>“Just admit you like my company,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Never,” she replied, turning to Samir and holding out his jacket.</p><p>“Matteo?” Samir ignored his mum and ran up to him.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Mama said to papa,” he glanced at his mum, smiling to himself, “yesterday papa was making sweets and mama said-”</p><p>“Don’t you dare Samir,” Amira warned.</p><p>But Matteo picked up Samir and ran across the room with him, holding his free hand out to keep Amira back.</p><p>“What did mama say?” he asked.</p><p>“She said… she said... save some for Matteo because he’s the best,” he whispered in Matteo’s ear.</p><p>Matteo grinned and Amira rolled her eyes.</p><p>“Lies, whatever he’s saying it’s lies,” she said, taking him from him and setting him down, helping him into his jacket.</p><p>“Your son is no liar, you raised him better than that,” Matteo argued, “but to be <em>the best</em> in your eyes, I don’t think I’ve ever known such an honour,” he said.</p><p>He screamed when she hit him.</p><p> </p><p>Later that night they were all in Matteo and David’s bed. All three kids were freshly bathed, teeth brushed and dressed in their pyjamas. Ready for bed. Matty was dozing on his chest but Jamilah and Jake were still bouncing, running up and down the bed with boundless energy. They were waiting for David to call.</p><p>“It’s messy in here daddy,” Jamilah said, jumping down from the foot of the bed and running back up to top before climbing up again.</p><p>“Yeah I know, I’ll tidy up soon.” And he would, just not right now. Instead he laid back against the pillow. </p><p>He shifted Matty up his chest so that he could see the tv on the wall. They’d never had a tv in here before, never really watched tv in bed. It was only there for video calling. Some nights he fell asleep with it on, more often it was with his phone in his hand.</p><p>She looked around the room then back to him, pursing her lips. He just stared back. He couldn’t quite believe his nine-year-old was standing over him with a hand on her hip.</p><p>“What?” he asked.</p><p>“Just think it’s funny.” She tossed back her hair, it was still a little damp from bath time and extra swishy.</p><p>“What’s funny?”</p><p>“You ask me to tidy <em>my</em> room when you live in this… in this…”</p><p>Matteo raised an eyebrow. Dear god, what were they in for when she was a teenager?</p><p>“In this?”</p><p>“Stable!” she said proudly.</p><p>Matteo frowned.</p><p>“Stable?” </p><p>“Like nana says.” </p><p>Apparently this was something obvious but he had no idea what she was talking about.</p><p>“Uh…”</p><p>“When I leave a mess she asks ‘was I raised in a stable?’” She climbed over him, still bouncing.</p><p>“Were you raised in a barn?” Matteo suggested.</p><p>“Yes! Were you?” she said, gesturing around the room. </p><p>“Yes actually,” he said.</p><p>That stopped her bouncing. “What?” she asked, sitting down, scrutinizing him.</p><p>Jake dropped down too and crawled over to them. “Were you really?” </p><p>“Yes until I was eight,” Matteo said, somehow managing to keep a straight face.</p><p>“Really really? “Jake asked, climbing on top of him, face pressed against his like he was trying to read his mind.</p><p>“No!” Jamilah said</p><p>“Yes! Don’t you believe me?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“No papa! No, you weren't!” she insisted.</p><p>“I was,” Matteo said. </p><p>“No he wasn’t! Jakey, he's lying,” she said.</p><p>Jake looked conflicted, he didn’t know who to believe. Matteo smiled innocently at him.</p><p>“Jammy you don’t believe me?” he asked.</p><p>“Nana doesn't live on a farm,” she pointed out.</p><p>Jake’s eyes widened and he nodded furiously. “Yeah papa,” he said.</p><p>Matteo laughed and poked Jamilah’s nose. “Smartypants!”</p><p>She stuck her tongue out at him. “We are ready papa. Where is daddy? Is he calling yet?” </p><p>Matteo nodded and clicked a few buttons on the controller, David should be there in a minute.</p><p>“I have my bottoms on,” Jake said proudly. </p><p>“Only because I told him he had to,” Jamilah said. </p><p>“Here we go,” Matteo said as the call came in.</p><p>He answered the call and David appeared on the screen, smiling fondly at all of them.</p><p>“Daddy!” they screamed.</p><p>Matty sniffled and woke up, Matteo turned him so he could see the screen too.</p><p>“Dada,” he mumbled.</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“Ok, I’m here. I’m in the trailer and I’ve been very diva. I’ve told them I’m not to be disturbed for the next hour. Not that any of you will stay awake that long,” David said.</p><p>“Papa won't,” Jamilah teased.</p><p>Matteo grabbed at her with his free hand and tickled her.</p><p>“Daddy I’m wearing trousers.” Jake stood up on the bed to show him.</p><p>“I made him daddy,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Why do I have to? Papa why do you hate being naked?” Jake asked, squeezing at his face.</p><p>Matteo scrunched his face up under Jake’s hands and stuck his tongue out. “I don't… Jakey you can’t just walk around in the nude,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Why not though?”</p><p>“Yeah why not Matteo?” David asked, winking at him.</p><p>Oh no Matteo wasn’t having any of that. </p><p>“Well because…”</p><p>“Because?” David teased.</p><p>“Don’t you undermine me,” Matteo warned.</p><p>David had the audacity to blow him a kiss. He rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but return it.</p><p>“But I want to walk around in the nude.” Jake started pulling at his trousers like the material offended him. Maybe he did have sensory issues like he did. But Matteo wasn’t convinced because he didn’t resist much when he was dressed. Just preferred being naked.</p><p>Matteo just buried his face in his hands because really he couldn’t argue with him, he wasn’t harming anyone. Matteo just worried if he encouraged him here at home and Jake forget himself he would end up stripping off at school or something. Then the school would call, they’d tell him he was an unfit parent. Social services would get involved. </p><p>They’d have to be assessed and investigated. They’d gone through so much to get their kids he didn't want to risk anything. He knew the wrong call from someone who didn’t approve of them could do all sorts of damage. And he knew, he understood why every call had to be investigated, it was so important. But it still did damage when it was unfounded.</p><p>He remembered a few years back that exact thing happening. A call came in that a couple were being inappropriate with their child. It had been a gay couple, two men, Zach and Scott. They were so kind. He’d had to investigate them and they’d understood but he could see the pain it had caused them to be asked those questions, to know that their little boy was going to be asked those questions. All because their downstairs neighbour was homophobic and didn’t like that they were raising a child together. It had all worked out but sometimes it didn’t and it terrified him. If the case had been given to someone else, someone bigoted and judgmental they could have lost their son.</p><p>“Papa I’m sorry,” Jake said, pulling at his hands. Scared he was worrying him.</p><p>“No please don’t be sorry you can be nude if you want to Jakey,” Matteo said gently.</p><p>He met David’s eye. David just smiled at him gently. He knew his worries, knew his fears over the teachers’ and other parents’ opinions. They’d talked about it at length and David never told him he was being silly. He didn't agree, would march right over there if any of them so much as dared to question his or Matteo’s parenting, but he got why Matteo worried about this at least.</p><p>“No that’s fine, I don’t want to anymore.”</p><p>And now Matteo had ruined it.</p><p>“I’m sorry Jakey,” he said.</p><p>“Why can’t we be nude?” Jamilah asked. </p><p>“Because papa is a good little choir boy,” David said.</p><p>Oh fuck him.</p><p>“Oh.” Jamilah just nodded like that all made sense.</p><p>He was going to choke David the moment he saw him. He glared at him, trying to convey that he wasn’t funny at all. “No David that’s not why.” </p><p>David grinned. “Did you not learn this modesty in your Sunday school days?” </p><p>He’d texted David about his religion chat with Amira earlier and it had devolved into David teasing him mercilessly about his choir boy days. David still had all the photos his mama had sent him on his phone. Loved to pull them out and embarrass him even after all these years.</p><p>“Will you stop it?” Matteo muttered, “we have to wear clothes.”</p><p>“But why?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Because…”</p><p>“Just because?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>But he’d already taught her that ‘because’ wasn’t an answer.</p><p>“Because... we do, I don’t even know, it’s the law? Maybe?” He had no idea, he didn’t think that was a hundred percent true. And it certainly didn’t apply indoors which was what Jake was talking about. David at least had the good sense to look sheepish for starting this. “Do you like running around in the nude?” </p><p>“No,” Jamilah said, giggling.</p><p>“Yes! I love it,” Jake said.</p><p>“It’s just you’re supposed to wear clothes...” Matteo tried to figure out how to convince him but he didn’t want to be that parent who just insisted they obey him without good reason.</p><p>“You have to wear clothes outside Jakey because some people don’t like others to be in the nude,” David explained.</p><p>“People like papa?” Jake asked.</p><p>Matteo rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Papa is just shy,” David said, winking at him.</p><p>Matteo just shook his head, blushing slightly. Not everyone could be as bold as David.</p><p>“Aw, papa it’s ok.” She turned to Jake, “papa only likes to be naked in bed with daddy,” she told him, her voice hushed. It wasn’t that quiet because David heard it and let out a snort.</p><p>Matteo wanted to die right then and there. His children were just sitting there giggling at him. They didn’t even know why. David was laughing so hard he looked like he would fall off his chair. </p><p>“I am done with this conversation,” Matteo said, bouncing Matty and pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. “Wear as many or as few clothes as you like see if I care. I will remain fully clothed thank you.”</p><p>“Don’t worry love, you can even wear extra jumpers for the rest of us,” David teased.</p><p>Matteo shook his head, his ridiculous husband. He opened his mouth to curse him out but David stopped him in his tracks. “Don’t swear,” he warned.</p><p>Matteo just laughed remembering their audience, who were now looking up at him innocently.</p><p>“Daddy we made a calendar,” Jamilah said, crawling to the foot of the bed.</p><p>“Did you really?” David asked her.</p><p>“It says you’re coming home in thirty-three days. That's this many,” she said, pulling Jake forward too.</p><p>Jamilah held up ten fingers and so did Jake held up ten, wriggling them. Jamilah counted all of their fingers aloud then counted Jake’s again until she got to the right number. Matteo sat up properly and scooched forward with Matty.</p><p>“Well done, good counting.” David beamed at them, “so did you two have good days at school?”</p><p>“Yes daddy! I read my story and Miss Bhatt said I had a very good imagination and that my reading is advanced,” Jamilla said proudly.</p><p>Matteo leant forward and kissed the top of her head.</p><p>“Oh Jammy I’m so proud of you, and Jakey? How was your day? You still liking it?” David asked.</p><p>Just like Matteo he’d been concerned over how quiet Jake was about school. And he’d been gone since before Jake had started. He didn’t like that he wasn’t there to encourage him. Matteo was doing his best but he needed both of them.</p><p>“It was good daddy,” Jake insisted, “today I played with a girl in my class. Her name is Milly. She doesn’t talk much. But she likes lego,” Jake told them. </p><p>And Jake absolutely loved lego so that was all that was required to be his friend. It was why you could find it in every room of the house. And no matter what Matteo did he could never quite tidy them away.</p><p>“Oh I’m so glad you had fun, are you going to be friends?” David asked.</p><p>“She did smile at me. And she laughed but secretly. She was having fun. We played legos all morning. We built a huge city! Miss Lilly let us leave them out! She said we could finish it tomorrow.” He was rambling now and Matteo had never seen him so excited about school. He watched him bounce down to stand in front of the tv, pressing his hands against the screen.</p><p>David held up his hands and wriggled his fingers, making Jake giggle. </p><p>“Papa Miss Lilly said I can bring my own legos! Am I allowed?”</p><p>Matteo just breathed a sigh of relief, he was so happy that Jake was happy.</p><p>“Of course you are, they’re your legos,” Matteo said. </p><p>“They might get lost,” Jake said.</p><p>“Well... is that ok with you?” Matteo asked.</p><p>Jake nodded. “Yeah I have lots,” he said.</p><p>“You’re a good boy Jakey,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Daddy?”</p><p>“Yes, Jakey?”</p><p>“Why did you leave?”</p><p>“And why didn’t you come home you were supposed to be home?” Jamilah demanded.</p><p>They were both standing in front of the tv now. Jamilah was getting angry, she was always quick to anger when she was upset. Had been since they took her in, she’d been so scared and angry at the world.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” David whispered, sounding heartbroken. </p><p>“No!” she snapped.</p><p>Matteo leant forward to pull her back but she shrugged him off.</p><p>“No?” David asked.</p><p>“You keep saying sorry but you never say why,” she huffed, stomping her feet in frustration.</p><p>Matteo put Matty down on the bed, in the middle surrounded by pillows. He picked her up and when she didn’t struggle he sat her on his knee.</p><p>“Ok Jammy,” he said softly.</p><p>She rubbed at her face furiously. Matteo stroked away her tears and hushed her.</p><p>“Are you just… are you not going to come back?” she asked quietly, voice wobbling.</p><p>Jake sat down on the floor and started to cry.</p><p>“Jake, hey Jake, come up here,” Matteo said, helping him up when he ran over to the bed.</p><p>“Jammy I’ll be back in thirty-three days,” David insisted.</p><p>“But you lied before!” Jamilah said.</p><p>David looked so close to breaking, this was so hard for him. Matteo hurt for him, would give anything to have him here</p><p>“I didn’t... I…” David trailed off, burying his face in his hands.</p><p>“Daddy didn’t lie Jamilah,” Matteo said.</p><p>She pouted and Matteo braced himself for the argument to come. </p><p>“He said he would be back on the twenty-forth,” she said crossly, turning to the screen, “you weren’t so it was a lie,” she said to David who just stared at her for a moment.</p><p>“Jammy,” he pleaded.</p><p>“No! It was a lie,” she insisted, voice wobbling now, anger fading to sadness.</p><p>Right now she was just a sad little girl, masking it with anger. Or trying to.</p><p>“Jamilah,” Matteo said gently, she blinked up at him, eyes shining, “please calm down,” he said.</p><p>“What if you don’t come back in thirty-three days? What if you're lying again?”</p><p>This was partly his fault. Because wasn’t that Matteo’s biggest worry too? Constantly on the forefront of his mind that David wouldn’t be back when he said. That David wouldn’t come back at all. He knew they were picking up on it, could probably tell that he didn’t think David was coming home either.</p><p>“Jammy please,” David whispered, wiping his eyes.</p><p>“Why didn't you come home?” she demanded, raising her voice, back to anger.</p><p>She banged her fists against Matteo’s chest. Matteo glanced over at David, who looked almost broken. Matteo understood how she felt but right now David didn’t need this. He needed to finish his film and to do that he didn’t need to be a wreck.</p><p>“Jamilah stop it,” Matteo said, everyone looked at him, even baby Matty behind them stopped his gurgling and waving and went quiet.</p><p>“I-” her lip wobbled and then she burst into tears.</p><p>Matteo pulled her close, stroking her hair.</p><p>“I know you’re upset. I understand. Papa is really mad at daddy too, papa wants him to come home. But it’s not daddy’s fault, he is not lying, he hasn’t left and he’s not choosing to be away, please let him explain ok,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“But…”</p><p>“Let him explain?”</p><p>“Ok fine,” she huffed, back to annoyed but it was just a front.</p><p>“Jammy,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“I said fine didn’t I?” she said, actually rolling her eyes like she hadn’t been crying a minute ago.</p><p>“The sass on this one.” But Matteo just pressed a kiss to her forehead, if she was being sassy she was probably ok.</p><p>He settled a very worried Jake beside Matty.</p><p>“Explain then,” she demanded.</p><p>Jake giggled then and Matteo sighed. “Jammy attitude please.” He just didn’t think David could handle it right now.</p><p>“Sorry,” she mumbled.</p><p>“Look I get it. You’re upset but being mean isn’t good,” he told her.</p><p>“I know I… I’m just really angry.” Angry wasn't quite right, she was certainly frustrated and it was due to al the uncertainty. And there wasn’t really a fix for that.</p><p>“I know… shit,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“Bad word!” Jake said. He was smiling now. Excited. Jamilah had obviously taught him all the bad words since this morning.</p><p>“Are you angry Jakey?” Matteo asked, trying to redirect his attention away from his bad language. </p><p>He really needed to get a handle on that, he was usually so good.</p><p>“No, but I am sad.”</p><p>Matteo just squeezed his shoulder. That was even worse.</p><p>“Can daddy explain now?” Matteo suggested, trying to regain some semblance of control over this.</p><p>“Yes ok,” she said.</p><p>Matteo didn’t know how any nine-year-old could make it sound so begrudging but she managed it.</p><p>“Ok… ok...” </p><p>But instead of explaining David just looked to him and then they all did. When did he become the one with all the answers? He never thought that it would turn out this way. Never thought he’d be the one in the family looked to for answers.</p><p>Sure he knew he’d marry David, and they would have the kids. He’d always known that. But he thought he would be the cool dad, the laid back one. David was always so bossy it just made sense to him. </p><p>Ok, that wasn’t fair at all. David wasn’t even that bossy, Matteo just said that because it annoyed him and it stuck. But he always seemed like the more level headed one of the two of them. The one with the life plan, the one who had it all figured out. Being in charge suited him. So it made sense to him that David would be the one they’d all turn to in times of crisis.</p><p>But it never turned out that way. David said Matteo was the parent they all went to when they had a problem or needed something. And that David was the one they went to when they needed someone cool. Matteo had hit him for that. Although he was right David was cooler than anyone he knew. Their kids disagreed on that one. Especially Jamilah.</p><p>He was wrong anyway, they both had their strengths but they worked best as a team. They were both there for the kids, for whatever they needed and they knew that. Matteo wanted it to always be that way.</p><p>But right now they were divided. That was why everything felt so unsettled, why all of this was so hard. Why the kids were playing up so much. Why Matteo was just downright exhausted and the things that usually took no energy at all were wiping him out. It was why David was looking to him to explain this because he couldn’t think of a good reason why he was away from all of them right now.</p><p>He knew he must have been pulling a face, probably all scrunched while he tried to figure out what to say because David was looking sympathetic and a little sheepish.</p><p>Matteo stuck out his tongue like the child he was. </p><p>“Just tell them, David, just… all of it, but kid-friendly,” Matteo said.</p><p>Jamilah huffed at that but didn’t comment. </p><p>“Ok daddy is in America right now,” David said.</p><p>Matteo held his hand over Jamilah’s mouth before the sarcastic comment could slip out.</p><p>David grinned at them. “Do you remember my friend Francis?”</p><p>Francis was David’s friend from University, he was a pianist, had come over from California on a prestigious scholarship to study at the music school. But even that scholarship didn’t cover everything. So he’d worked too, done shifts in a bookstore and a cafe just to keep afloat. And he’d offered his services as a musician. David had asked for his help on a project, could barely pay him anything but had offered him lots of food in addition to the money and he hadn't turned it down. </p><p>Not because of the money or the food but because David had included a trans character and he wanted to be involved with that. During the project, he’d taught David everything he needed to know about the importance of music in film and in return David had promised that when he was a famous pianist he would make a movie about him. </p><p>And that was where they were now. </p><p>But they’d become best friends working together on that first project, and had worked together several times since. Francis had composed a lot of music for him over the years. It was always beautiful. In fact, there were several playlists on Matteo’s phone of music just for him. Filled with calming, peaceful tunes.</p><p>The last time Francis had been in Berlin was a few years ago for work. He was settled back in the states as a pianist for the LA Phil. Back then they'd only had Jamilah, he hadn’t met the other two yet. Matteo doubted Jamilah would remember him either, she’d been very young at the time.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jamilah said but he could see she was struggling to remember.</p><p>“No,” Jake said.</p><p>“Yes you do,” Jamilah insisted, sometimes she forgot that Jake hadn’t been here as long as she had.</p><p>“No I don’t,” Jake said, shaking his head.</p><p>“Jakey hasn’t met him Jammy,” Matteo told her.</p><p>“Oh. I have,” she said, but it was clear she didn’t really remember, whatever memories she did have likely stirred up only because David was working with him now.</p><p>“I showed you a film last year do you remember?” David asked them.</p><p>“No, wait the old film you made a hundred years ago?” she asked.</p><p>Matteo rolled his eyes while Jake giggled.</p><p>It was David’s first film, or the first one that he put out for the world. He made a lot of good stuff in school too. This one was made when he was straight out of film school, <em>try harder</em>. He’d gotten funding from a queer youth group to make a film with a message of hope for teenagers and young adults who were struggling. Not much money but David was good at what he did, he made it work. It was essentially about David, or a boy like David but at the same time it wasn’t really his story. He’d taken parts of his own life but he’d made it something entirely new. A film about a lonely lost boy who had to try harder to be who he truly was. To be accepted as who he truly was. To be seen as the person he knew he should be seen as. A boy who was brave but who had to be twice as brave as anyone else. But a boy who’s bravery paid off when he found his true home and family. </p><p>Matteo had <em>always</em> understood David but seeing that film made everything just a little clearer, made that understanding just a little deeper. There was a lot back then that David just couldn’t share with him because it caused him pain. Matteo never pushed, he understood that kind of pain. He understood that just because he needed to talk about his own traumas from childhood didn’t mean David did. But watching that movie he felt he’s seen everything David had gone through, all in brilliant technicolour. It was the rawest thing he’d ever seen.</p><p>Matteo loved everything David made, even complicated stuff with the messages he didn’t quite get immediately. But <em>try harder </em>was his favourite and always would be. Not for the message, not because David’s story was out there, not because it was a film that helped other kids that were going through what David had gone through. All that was important of course. But it was his favourite because he’d watched David spend almost a year on it. Had watched him writing it in their little apartment, working on it before he even graduated. He’d gone along to shoots, seen David directing, seen him in his element. Doing exactly what he was meant to do. Even though he couldn’t picture it himself he could see that David could see his own vision being realised. He’d watched it all pull together. And then the moment it was done, the moment he finished it he showed it to him first. Just the two of them in their little apartment.</p><p>And Matteo had been completely awestruck. Hadn’t spoken for a full twenty minutes just sat there staring at the black screen. Of course, he’d known David was talented, known he had so many stories to tell but to see how he’d used that talent to explain something to Matteo that he couldn’t put into words had blown him away. He’d made a whole movie just to show Matteo a little more of himself. He felt like that watching everything David made but it had never been quite like that first time, David sitting quietly beside him, a small smile as he just waited for him to speak. He didn't even remember what he’d said but he’d cried. A lot.</p><p>That was the moment he realised he got to be part of that. That he would get to see this stuff, he would get to see David’s face when other people saw him the way Matteo had always seen him, when he got all the recognition he deserved. He was going to see David thrive.</p><p>It was not a hundred years old, maybe sixteen at most.</p><p>David wasn’t offended, he just smiled fondly at her. He loved her dramatics. In fact, she got more and more dramatic every day at his encouragement. “Yes that movie Jammy, do you remember it?”</p><p>Jake shook his head, and Jamilah seemed to be struggling too. </p><p>“Daddy’s film was about a boy who was a little different, it was based a little on daddy’s real life,” Matteo reminded them, it was only a year ago they’d seen it.</p><p>David winked at him.</p><p>“I remember,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Me too,” Jake said.</p><p>“Yes it was about a boy like daddy, who people saw all wrong for a long time,” Jamilah said.</p><p>That was how they’d explained it to them. One day Jamilah had asked about his scars so they sat them down and told them. How it was for David, to be seen wrongly by others. That it was on the others not him and that was how he’d wanted the kids to understand it that way. And when he’d told them that he’d movie about it she’d demanded to see it. </p><p>And it was such a good way to reinforce his explanation. He’d managed to capture exactly how it felt for him growing up and it had resonated with so many trans people. </p><p>It had given others an insight into what they had to deal with. Matteo had always had an idea, always listened to David whenever he explained it, and he was so good at explaining, so patient. But to see it like that in a film, in an immersive way like that, it was like everything fell into place. Matteo had known then just how good David was going to be at this. To take something that he could never relate to and show him his experience in such a way took a special kind of talent. And it could be used to do such good.</p><p>“And the boy has to like fight? To get the other mean people in the film to see him as a boy,” Jamilah remembered.</p><p>“They’re not necessarily mean sweetheart, it’s not that simple,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yeah, it is,” Jake said, shaking his head as he frowned up at Matteo.</p><p>It really was to them, they were young, things were simple. They got it straight away when David explained it to them. Didn't even ask questions really. Their daddy was trans, that was it. He still made them eat their vegetables and he still couldn’t plait Jamilah’s hair properly. He still read them bedtime stories every night. He was still their favourite person in the world. Him being trans was inconsequential to them.</p><p>“That’s right sweetheart, it is that simple,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“Are you making another old movie then?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Ok, firstly young lady it won’t be old if I make it now will it? And secondly when I did <em>try harder </em>it was considered… groundbreaking,” he told her smugly.</p><p>Matteo rolled his eyes, was he really showing off? To his child? </p><p>“Wow David modesty yeah? She’s nine remember?” Matteo said.</p><p>Jamilah giggled and stuck out her tongue.</p><p>“Right…” David seemed to realise showing off like that to his daughter was pointless, groundbreaking movies weren’t the way to impress her. “I am making another movie, this one is going to be Francis’ story, you know like how <em>try harder</em> was mine?” he asked.</p><p>Jamilah nodded slowly as she tried to figure it out. She looked to Jake who shrugged, waiting for someone to explain it to him.</p><p>“Oh… so… Francis has a story?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“He does, a story quite similar to mine, would you like me to tell you some of it? It’ll spoil the movie.”</p><p>That didn’t matter they weren’t watching it. It was not going to be family-friendly. They'd made a special cut of David’s film, taken out about thirty minutes that were just too heavy for them. If they did the same with Francis’ story there would be very little left.</p><p>They both nodded eager to hear more. “Is Francis trans like you daddy?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“He is,” David said.</p><p>“That’s cool but I still don’t like him,” she said.</p><p>“Jamilah!” Matteo warned.</p><p>“Why?” David asked patiently.</p><p>“Because he took you away,” she huffed.</p><p>It was that simple to her. Nothing she knew about Francis mattered apart from the fact it was his fault David was in LA.</p><p>“Ok that’s fair but it wasn’t quite like that, so let me explain?” David suggested.</p><p>They both nodded, Matty was quiet, close to sleep but Matteo didn’t want to put him to bed. Didn’t like all of them together in the room without him. Instead, he shifted the cushions around him and settled him down.</p><p>“Ok. I’ll start with the film, I’ll tell you most of it, apart from the grown-up bits,” David said.</p><p>“The naughty bits!” Jamilah exclaimed.</p><p>Jake burst out laughing. “Are there naked people in the film daddy?” he asked.</p><p>David laughed now too. “No there are not, the characters are all teenagers! It’s grown up only because there are some scary bits and some fighting, a lot of it is set on the streets you see. I wouldn’t let you watch at your age, but when you’re older, if you’d like, we can watch it together.”</p><p>“Yes please,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Ok so the film is about a boy called Samuel and he’s based on Francis,” David began.</p><p>Matteo pulled the kids up the bed and settled them down either side of Matty, they’d probably end up sleeping in here anyway. They didn’t complain. He figured may as well get them comfortable. David was such a good storyteller, they would probably stay awake throughout, enraptured by him. But as soon it was over there was a good chance they would drop off there and then.</p><p>“So the main character Samuel is trans and he’s living on the streets in LA-”</p><p>“Were his parents mean?”</p><p>“They were, but that’s not in the film, it starts when all that’s already happened. So he’s living on the streets and it’s tough and scary, but he’s with friends who love him and see him exactly as he is so he’s mostly happy. So that’s how it starts, Samuel and his gang are living in this old abandoned warehouse. And they’re just cool teenagers trying to get through life. Samuel likes to paint on buildings-”</p><p>“Cool!” Jake said, shuffling forward, already captivated.</p><p>“Very cool,” David agreed, “but one day he gets caught and taken to jail-”</p><p>“Oh no!” Jamilah joined Jake at the foot of the bed. So much for settling them down.</p><p>“Yeah and at the station, he gets assigned a social worker,” David told them.</p><p>“Like papa?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Yeah actually like papa, it’s why Francis loves papa because his social worker pretty much saved his life. So the cops are baddies, they don’t like Samuel because his i.d. is wrong and says he’s a girl, because he’s Puerto Rican, because they saw him all wrong and they really hate people who were different. But in the story, Samuel is fifteen and because he doesn’t have parents, or at least he doesn't talk to them he needs a social worker,” he said.</p><p>“Then what happens?”</p><p>“So Neil, that’s the social worker gets him bailed, like out of jail. And his wife works at this fancy school and they get Samuel a place there. It’s a school you live at so he’s off the streets. But it’s really hard, because he doesn’t fit in and he’s scared of getting found out so it’s really tense for him. And he doesn’t try with his schoolwork because he’s too on edge and he doesn't try to make friends because he doesn’t trust these fancy kids, and he already has his friends on the street,” David told them.</p><p>“Making friends is hard,” Jake said.</p><p>“It can be but you will have lots of friends, both of you,” David promised.</p><p>“So what happens?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>This was very much going to be a summation of the movie. There was a lot more to the story that David had glossed over. There was quite a lot of violence, drinking, sex, and cursing.. But they absolutely didn’t need to hear that. The main storyline was Samuel getting into the fancy private school and achieving his dreams. Those were the kid-friendly parts and that was all they needed to know.</p><p>“Samuel makes an enemy at the school, Louis, the most spoiled and richest kid in the school-”</p><p>“Is he real?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>She was so on the ball, she was following this with such ease. Jake was nodding along but he was likely losing track. But he was smiling though.</p><p>“Yes, almost everything that happens with Louis really happened. So Louis doesn’t know about Samuel being trans but he’s just mean, because Samuel isn’t the right sort of person for the school because he’s poor,” David said.</p><p>“What a jerk!” Jake said.</p><p>Jamilah nodded her agreement.</p><p>“Exactly. But then something happens… something difficult…”</p><p>“Do they fall in love?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“No Samuel falls in love with a girl called Miranda, that’s his wife Maria in real life, would you like to hear that part?”</p><p>“Is there kissing?”</p><p>“It is the romance part yes Jammy,” David said.</p><p>She shook her head, pulling a slightly disgusted face. “No thank you.”</p><p>Matteo grinned and squeezed her tight. </p><p>“I want to know about Louis do they stay enemies?”</p><p>“No, they become friends because there’s-”</p><p>“Careful David,” Matteo warned, he needed to be careful with how much he said about this part.</p><p>They all turned to look at him, the kids pouting but they didn’t need to know this part. And there was no way they were watching this movie until they were at least sixteen. David nodded his agreement.</p><p>“Ok so the high school kids have a party and Samuel goes and there’s... an accident and Louis gets hurt. All his friends leave him and only Samuel stays. He takes him to the warehouse where some of his friends still live because they know how to help with... this particular kind of hurt,” David explained.</p><p>That particular kind of hurt was a drug overdose which Matteo didn’t want them knowing anything about.</p><p>“Louis’ father comes to pick him up and he’s really mean to Louis, cruel and Samuel realises that it’s not so simple with him. So he tries being kind and it’s still tense but eventually, Louis starts to trust Samuel because he stayed when all his friends left him. They become close friends. Samuel starts trying hard at school, he tells Louis about his life, why he knew about the kids in the warehouse.”</p><p>“And they stay friends?”</p><p>“Yeah, they’re still friends to this day. He’s a nice guy,” David said.</p><p>“Cool. So is that the whole movie?”</p><p>“Well, there’s all the kissing,” David joked, “but no there’s a bit more, he tells Louis he likes to play piano, that his grandma taught him. So one lunchtime they’re messing about and they sneak into the music room and Samuel plays for him and he’s very good. The music teacher catches them-”</p><p>“Oh no!”</p><p>“Not it’s good, the music teacher was really impressed and asked Samuel to be in his class. He does really well and he graduates and gets a place in a school in Europe to play piano. He also meets Miranda in an old church he snuck into one night and they fall in love, gross I know.” David smiled at the faces Jamilah and Jake were pulling. “But everything is going really well. So he goes back to tell his parents but they are... bad…”</p><p>He glanced at Matteo and mouthed drinking. Matteo shrugged, he knew what drinking was at her age for very different reasons. But this was ok.</p><p>“He goes to Louis who tells him that his parents have kicked him out because he doesn’t want to go to the school they had chosen for him. So he’s on his own and he’s very scared. But Samuel is there for him and they get drunk. Miranda shows up and takes care of both of them, tells them they’re idiots. But it’s ok this time because they know they’ll be ok. The family they’ve made is their true family.” </p><p>Damn David told a good story, both of them were captivated, Jake desperately fighting sleep.</p><p>“Does Samuel go away to school?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Yes he goes to Berlin.”</p><p>“That’s here?” Jake said sleepily.</p><p>“It is and he’s super successful, and he plays for the orchestra there, and in Paris and Sweden. Then he comes back to LA where they want him for the Philharmonic. And finally, his parents want to know him but he doesn’t go back to them, he has a new family now, Miranda and Louis and all his friends. Neil and his wife too, he doesn't need his parents anymore, not if they only want him now he’s famous.”</p><p>So that was it, a pretty oversimplified rundown of the movie. But she was nine and it was past her bedtime. Explaining a long heavy grown-up movie to a child wasn’t the easiest thing to do.</p><p>“So it’s happy.” Jamilah sighed and yawned, slumping against Matteo who wrapped an arm around her.</p><p>He smiled at the two of them, David describing his movie was very close to storytime. And storytime always led to bedtime. He looked up at David who was smiling at them fondly.</p><p>“It’s happy,” he agreed.</p><p>“That’s good, and is Francis happy?” Jamilah asked because she wasn’t really mad at Francis. Or she wasn’t anymore, not now she knew his story.</p><p>“He is,” David said, “but it was very hard. It took a long time for him to get there. He had to work really hard, a lot harder than most kids. And when he was approached to make a movie about his life he jumped at the chance because he wanted young people to see themselves and know it’s going to be ok,” David explained.</p><p>“That’s good,” Jake murmured, he was falling asleep.</p><p>Matteo got up and scooped him up, carrying back up the bed and tucking him in next to Matty. He wouldn’t get up again but Jamilah could explain the rest to him in the morning.</p><p>“It’s important?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Yes, to Francis, and to me. Everything I make is important to me, has a good story. This is actually only the fifth film I’m making explicitly about being trans, but all my movies do have trans and other LGBTQ characters because that representation is important to me, to us. But this story is Francis’ life. And I always said when he was ready to tell it, I would help him.”</p><p>“So you had to make it?” she asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” David said.</p><p>“Ok.” She climbed down and walked over to the tv to get closer. </p><p>David smiled at her. She’d already forgiven him, she understood now why he’d had to leave. Now he just needed to explain why he wasn’t back yet.</p><p>“So there’s a few scenes that are out in the desert-”</p><p>“Why?” she demanded.</p><p>One was for a rave scene that she definitely did not need to know about.</p><p>“For a… party,” he said.</p><p>She frowned as if that sounded like the least fun party. Cake and bouncy castles were more her style. “Ok?” She sounded so confused. Grown-ups must seem so weird to her.</p><p>“But there was bad weather so we couldn’t get out to the desert. And then the school stuff had to be filmed at a certain time so we couldn’t push it out so the schedule got thrown off. We’ve only got some of the location work left to do and then I’m done. I’m just late but I'm coming home I promise. Francis is one of my oldest friends and this is the only movie that would take me away from you,” David insisted. </p><p>“Ok,” she said, yawning and swaying where she stood. </p><p>Matteo got up and picked her up, sitting back down on the foot of the bed with her on his lap.</p><p>“There haven't been any more problems, we are on time I promise,” David said.</p><p>“Promise promise?” she asked quietly.</p><p>“Yes and I will be back in thirty-three days I swear to you, I won’t break this promise Jamilah,” David insisted.</p><p>“What if the movie isn’t finished?” Matteo asked, cursing himself when Jamilah gasped and looked up at him.</p><p>“It will be.”</p><p>“But what if-”</p><p>“But if it's not I will come home for at least a week anyway and then go back to finish it,” David said, “I promise, tomorrow it’s only thirty-two days and then the next day it will be thirty-one, can you wait a little while for daddy?”</p><p>She nodded. Matteo couldn’t help but feel relieved too. It was stupid, to come home just for a week but he needed it, even if it meant David had to go back again.</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>“Thank you, Jammy.”</p><p>She sniffled. “I’m sorry I got so angry,” she whispered.</p><p>Matteo hugged her close.</p><p>“No I understand why you did, it’s really hard for you, but I promise I’ll be home soon,” David assured her.</p><p>“Jakey is really sad and scared but I’ll tell him you are coming home,” she said. </p><p>“He trusts you Jammy, you're such a good sister. I love you both so much,” he whispered.</p><p>“And Matty?”</p><p>“And Matty, I love all of you,” he promised.</p><p>“And papa?”</p><p>“Yes and papa. All of you.” He looked up now smiling at Matteo.</p><p>Matteo smiled back at him as Jamilah finally drifted off to sleep in his arms. He sighed and carried her up to the top of the bed, tucking them all in under the blankets. He returned to sit at the edge, yawning. It was only just after nine but it had been a long day. It had been a long few months. But it was almost over. He believed David now. That whole conversation had been for him as well as the kids. David had been trying to tell him all week that he was coming home. Matteo still wasn’t sure that he’d get David back as soon as he wanted but he did believe David now when he said there was nowhere he’d rather be. Didn’t mean he didn't feel guilty for keeping him here but that was something he needed to work on.</p><p>“Where are you sleeping then?” David asked, like this wasn’t a regular sleeping arrangement.</p><p>Matteo just shrugged. As tired as he was he didn’t care about sleep, he would stay on the line with David until their hour was up. Instead, he just scooted forward and let David tell him about the rest of his day, the rest of the week, counting down the time until they were together again. </p><p>Eventually, he did have to go back to work, if he didn’t he wouldn’t get back to them so Matteo reluctantly let him go. When the room fell quiet he climbed up the bed and shuffled the kids along so he had a tiny amount of room to sleep.</p><p>David would be home soon and everything would be ok. Those were his final thoughts before he drifted off to sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. an ocean between us</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Right now this city of four million people felt like the loneliest place on earth to David. He'd tried don't get him wrong, he'd been out, seen the sights, explored as much as he could face but most of the time he'd spent wallowing in his apartment. Missing his family and reminiscing on the good times. Yeah, he was not coping well at all. But a little good news might just change all that.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The rest of that week David had woken up feeling even worse than usual. Every morning since he’d gotten to LA he’d woken up feeling miserable. Sad, lonely, tired, headachy. There was this dull pain behind his eyes that he just couldn’t shift. An ache in his head and all down his neck. Because he was tense, stressed, and tired. He hadn’t really relaxed since getting there. It had started the first time he woke up on the other side of the world from his family and it never went away. </p>
<p>He could blame the brightness, the new environment, the time difference, or the job but it had been three months and he should have adjusted by now. The job was easy, it was what he loved. And he’d lived in LA before and it never felt like this the last time. </p>
<p>No there was only one reason, it was the stress of missing home and the lack of sleep that came with it. He hadn’t slept properly since he’d gotten there, not had a full night in weeks. He’d never suffered this kind of sleeplessness before and he wasn’t exactly coping.</p>
<p>He was renting a small apartment for the duration of his stay, in the hopes that it would feel better than a hotel. It was supposed to have a more home-like feel, make it easier to relax but it didn’t. He was miserable and uncomfortable here. </p>
<p>There was no point seeing a doctor, there was no cure. Not for loneliness. And until he was back home again this was just how things were.</p>
<p>He had tried, not much but he had. The first week had been a write-off, he’d moped around, just worked and sulked, nothing else. He soon realised that the three months would be hell if he spent them like that. So he’d put on a brave face, socialised with his colleagues as much as he could, thrown himself into his work, and tried to entertain himself with the new city on his down days. Plus Maria and Francis had him over for dinner a lot. That helped the most, some weeks it was the only thing he looked forward to.</p>
<p>But it was no use, the grumpy fog never really lifted.</p>
<p>This week though? It was on another level. The other night seeing Jake breakdown like that? Just watching him sit there sobbing and not being able to do a thing about it? That had hurt more than anything. He’d never felt so helpless. </p>
<p>After Matteo had disconnected the call he’d spent several hours trying to work out if it was worth flying back just for a couple of days. It wasn’t until Matteo texted him assuring him that Jake was ok, and could he please try to get some sleep that David finally realised how ridiculous it would be to fly back now. He’d end up on a plane for two days just to get a few hours with them. It would be worth it but it would hurt so much to leave again.</p>
<p>So he stayed put. It would be better to work twice as hard and try and get things done. There’d been no more delays, no more hiccups, so as long as he kept at it they should be done on time and he could go home.</p>
<p>He didn’t want to rush anything, he was committed to this project, it was as important to him as it was to Francis. He wanted to give the film his all and he had, these past three months he’d worked hard, not phoned it in once. But now they were so close to done. So close to wrapping up and that made it so much harder. </p>
<p>Of course, really they were nowhere near done, it wasn’t over when they finished shooting. But he didn’t have to be there for the rest. Well, he probably should be but he was going home. It wasn’t just him. Two of his editors lived in London. Three of his producers and two other post-production crew were scattered across Europe. Technology was to be his saviour in that regard. It allowed people to work on projects they could never have dreamed of fifteen years ago. He would probably come back a couple of times but the majority of the rest of the work could be done from the comfort of his own office.</p>
<p>Francis could tell how antsy he was. He’d kept teasing him over it but he understood too, had his own family that he said he’d never be able to leave behind. A family that kindly invited David in many times while he was here.</p>
<p>Like he’d told the kids the other night, he’d met Francis when he’d been at film school, years ago now. Francis had been in music school at the same time. David didn’t even want to think about how long it had been since he’d left school but it felt like a lifetime. So much had changed these past sixteen years. All of it good. Film school was a world away now but he’d never stopped learning, always gained new knowledge every film he made. Francis said it was the same with music, that you could never learn it all. That every time he played felt as new as the first time ever.</p>
<p>Their stories were similar in many ways and different in many more. And like he’d told the kids the other night he had promised to tell that. Sometimes when he was alone in the little downtown apartment he wished he’d just given Francis more of Matteo’s food than owe him this. Not really though, he was a lifelong friend and he was honoured to be the one trusted with his story. And even if he hadn’t promised David would’ve been pretty tempted. </p>
<p>He’d read the script, read up on the trans actor, Ricky, who they wanted to play Samuel the main character. He’d had calls with the writers and the other people on the crew and he knew he had to be a part of it. Yeah, maybe this wasn't going to be a huge blockbuster. The audience probable wasn’t going to be massive. Perhaps they weren’t going to win best movie of the year. But it was going to be someone’s favourite movie. It was going to make someone’s year, David was certain of that. Just like with all the films he made it wasn’t about the awards or the glory. It was about the story and this story was important. If fifteen kids got to see it and understand themselves a bit better, understand that things could be hard and real sometimes but their lives weren't destined to be some tragedy, then that was enough. If it helped just one kid, one person, it was enough.</p>
<p>It had still taken some persuading though. He hadn’t agreed straight away, wasn’t exactly jumping at the chance. He loved Francis, loved the story and wanted to make it but he hadn’t been happy to leave. Francis had asked nicely, and then Ricky had asked him too. Even Matteo had tried to persuade him to go, not for the movie but because even after all these years he still stupidly believed that he was holding David back. It was their oldest argument and it was absolutely not the truth. </p>
<p>But in the end, he had wanted to go, it outweighed his need to stay by a fraction. He wanted to make this film and it was just a one-off. He stupidly thought he could handle three months. In reality, he’d barely handled one. How Matteo ever thought he was holding him back David had no idea. </p>
<p>He was happy in Berlin, happy with his family. They weren’t holding him back at all. He had no desire to make it in Hollywood, no desire to be absent from them. He’d made movies all over Europe but that left him only a train ride or flight away. Easy to get back, easy for Matteo and the kids to get to him. </p>
<p>He hadn’t done this before. Not once since Jamilah had moved in had he been away like this. The last time he’d done LA Matteo was working fulltime and couldn’t move out with him so he’d flown him out three times instead. Used up all his holiday allowance that year just so he could keep him company in his downtime.</p>
<p>He’d worked in New York before, years ago when he was first getting started. Straight after <em>try harder</em>. But Matteo had come with properly him for that, even though he’d been terrified of leaving Europe. They’d been lucky in the timing, he had just finished university himself and hadn’t gotten his full-time job yet. He had worked part-time throughout his course and saved up enough to support him. Most of David’s money had gone that year he spent making <em>try harder. </em>He never made much those first few years and was eternally grateful for Matteo’s unwavering support. </p>
<p>Not just financially either. The way he believed in him so much. The way he listened to every idea he suggested wide-eyed and excited like it was the best thing he’d ever heard. He saw David as a visionary, a creative genius and David would never get over that. He wouldn't have gotten to where he was without him there by his side.</p>
<p>Closer to home they’d done a couple of months in Paris once. Matteo had come to stay with him in London for a week. Spent a month in Lisbon. They’d been all over really. Matteo pretty much using his yearly holiday up frequently. He’d been fine with the travelling in the end, enjoyed it and always adapted quicker than David ever did.</p>
<p>The best time though was that wonderful three weeks in Florence back on maybe his first job. The film he’d interned on while still working on<em> try harder.</em> Matteo was still in uni then but the timing had been right and he’d come for Easter break. They’d rented a tiny room of an apartment because that was all they could afford. They’d lived in a lot of tiny, run-down apartments back then but it had been worth it and the company was always good. </p>
<p>That was still probably his favourite location shoot, certainly the one with his fondest memories. Matteo had been stressed about exams but he managed to switch off some of the time. Spent a little of the time he was able to relax exploring with him in the sun. Seeing all the art and the beautiful architecture. Eating good food and drinking good wine. It was nice to see Matteo on set, comfortable and relaxed, chatting with his colleagues. </p>
<p>It had been their last night there that David had proposed to him. He hadn’t meant to, it had just slipped out. They’d talked about it a lot though, discussed it at length on many occasions. They were pretty much waiting on Matteo to finish school at that point. After which it was the inevitable next step. </p>
<p>They’d stood on the apartment’s little balcony, pressed close together, looking out over the city. Well Matteo had been watching the city, talking about the few vague memories of Italy he had from his childhood. He’d been a bit quiet that evening. </p>
<p>David had been watching Matteo. He’d been smoking a cigarette and he just turned to David and told him he was going to quit when they got home. That he was thinking of his health and the future. </p>
<p>It had been the implication of that, that he was thinking of the future, their future together that prompted David to ask. He’d turned to face him and just said they should get married too when they got back, it just slipped out. He cursed himself as soon as the words were out, had wanted to do it properly. But it was out there he wasn’t going to take it back. </p>
<p>Matteo hadn’t been shocked or surprised, just smiled and said yeah he’d been thinking the same thing. That he was pretty much done with school and that they were ready. That he didn’t want to wait until they had money to marry him and call him his husband. So David had gotten down on one knee and Matteo had laughed at him. Said he didn’t have a ring but he’d taken his hand anyway and dragged him back up and held him close. Whispered yes over and over as he pressed kiss after kiss to his lips. It had been perfect. Florence had definitely been his favourite location shoot for that alone. </p>
<p>But Matteo couldn’t just come along with him anymore. Now there were the kids to think of. Yes, they were still little but neither of them were keen to disrupt their lives like that for the sake of a few months. It was not worth pulling them out of school, dismantling that carefully built stability they had. This was their only option. Three months of loneliness for David. Three months of suffering for all of them. Then three months became four and a half and David still had over four weeks to go.</p>
<p>He sighed and dragged himself out of bed. There was no use moping all day. It was no good laying there trying to wish the days away. And there was no point laying there not sleeping. He couldn’t anyway, he had to be on location at seven that morning, which was later than the rest of the week but still too early when he wasn’t sleeping. </p>
<p>He glanced at the clock, it was only four. He’d managed around four hours which wasn’t nearly enough. But he’d take what he could get. Matteo was the opposite, had told him he was sleeping through the night just fine, more than usual if anything but he was still waking up exhausted. And he was sleeping a lot in the day too, several times David had called and one of the kids had answered, informing him that papa was asleep on the sofa. They were fine, he was only nodding off, would wake at the slightest sound but still. More sleep didn’t seem like any help.</p>
<p>He threw on a shirt and headed to the kitchen, pausing to glance around the sparse apartment. It was a mess, Matteo would be so ashamed of him, especially as he was staying at a nice rented apartment and letting it become a pigsty. He’d helped him choose back before he’d flown out. They’d looked through loads of fancy apartments till they’d found this one. It was small and cosy, still a little fancy but they hoped it would feel homier. It probably would if David tried a little harder.</p>
<p>Instead, there were several days of clothes littering the floor and hanging off the chairs. Takeout containers on the counter that had definitely been there a while. He chose to ignore it. He would tidy up later. He would. But for now, he grabbed a yoghurt from the half-empty fridge, collapsed on the sofa and pulled out his phone.</p>
<p>“You're supposed to be sleeping,” Matteo said in lieu of a greeting when he picked up.</p>
<p>“Woke up, can't be bothered laying there. I’m probably gonna go for a run in a bit,” he said, although he didn’t really feel like it.</p>
<p>Sometimes it helped, cleared his mind, gave him energy for the day. But today he just felt exhausted, tired all over. His bones ached with it. He needed proper sleep, he was too old for this.</p>
<p>“You’re so fucking weird,” Matteo muttered.</p>
<p>David chuckled, he always complained about David running and yet he would always go along if he asked him to. He even used to come to the gym sometimes, before the kids. Complained about that a lot too, wouldn’t really do much more than follow David around and distract him. </p>
<p>Walking was something they still did regularly. Cycling too because they could take the kids along. He missed that, getting them all wrapped up in their little coats and hats and going out to the woods or to the lake. Letting them burn off all that boundless energy they had and then bundling them home again. All three of them, four including Matteo collapsing the moment they got back into the house.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?” he asked.</p>
<p>He heard a squeal. “Right now, me and Mimmo are in the garden playing in the sandpit,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Cool.” David tried to keep the jealousy out of his voice.</p>
<p>The garden was his space really, not that Matteo wasn’t allowed out there it was just… he’d built the sandpit, the swings and the slide. He would play football and basketball with Jamilah, or go hunting for bugs with Jake. He was thinking of putting a little pond out there, maybe some fish. The garden was his thing, his place to spend his time with the kids and he missed it desperately.</p>
<p>“You ok?” Matteo asked. He knew exactly why he was upset.</p>
<p>“Not really,” David admitted, sinking into the sofa and sighing.</p>
<p>“What time are you due on set?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“Around seven,” David said.</p>
<p>“When’s that here?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>David could hear Matty laughing away in the background and he sighed again. He missed his baby. He glanced at his watch. “About two hours.”</p>
<p>“Ok so skip the run, where are you now?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“Living room,” he muttered.</p>
<p>“Well maybe you should tidy up,” Matteo suggested.</p>
<p>David huffed. How was that better than running? And how dare he? Tidy up? He wasn’t even here. David wasn’t one of the kids. He had no authority here. But yet he had the audacity to use that same tone with him. “What?”</p>
<p>“It's a mess. Last time you called I could see it was a tip.” David just knew he was pulling that smug face he wore sometimes. Because he knew David was going to do as he said.</p>
<p>If he were there he would wipe that smirk off his face, he’d have the upper hand in seconds. But if he were there then he wouldn’t need to tidy up, because Matteo kept a damn spotless house. Usually. And he never let David help, unless he was bossing him about.</p>
<p>“Well so’s our bedroom,” David countered.</p>
<p>Because he’d seen it and it was in a similar state to this entire apartment. A lot of the time the two of them were different in their reactions to situations but in this respect, they’d reacted very much the same. Stopped trying, stopped taking proper care of themselves too.</p>
<p>“I know,” Matteo admitted, “but I have the rest of the house, I er… I haven’t been in the bedroom much apart from to sleep-”</p>
<p>“Unless you’re falling asleep on the sofa,” David reminded him. At least he hadn’t done that.</p>
<p>“True but all I’m saying is you need a tidy space ok? I have the rest of the house, what do you have? Just clean up a bit, it’ll make you feel a little better,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>He was right, David knew it. It would help, having a clean space. Make it a little more bearable to be there. Stop him suffering and wallowing so much. Still, it didn’t mean he had to let him know he was right. “Fine.” He pretended to be put upon, even though Matteo would see through it. “I can’t believe you’re making me hang up so I can clean.” He groaned and stretched before standing up.</p>
<p>“No, don’t hang up,” Matteo whined.</p>
<p>David rolled his eyes, Matteo was the one making him clean up. But he hooked up the phone to the speaker system and then he grabbed all the clothes and bundled them into the laundry. As Matty giggled away in the background he cleared away the food containers and put the dishes into the dishwasher. It wasn’t that bad really. It could do with a proper clean, which he would do at the weekend but for now, it looked ok.</p>
<p>Finally, he pulled open the curtains and threw open the window, letting cool blue early morning light and fresh air into the apartment. Matteo was right that did feel better. He stood there for a moment just looking out over the city.</p>
<p>“I’ll tidy our room tonight,” Matteo said, his voice coming from inside the apartment. </p>
<p>David turned back into the room and walked over to the couch. “You don’t have to,” he said, sitting down.</p>
<p>“I gave up, I think, I just missed you, I just hate it in there without you, sometimes I can’t even face sleeping in there.”</p>
<p>They were such a mess without each other, three months ago they’d pretty much been winning at the whole adulting thing. Now it was like they were clingy teenagers again. Although really that was one thing that never really changed. They liked each other’s company why wouldn’t they want to spend as much time together as possible?</p>
<p>“It's exactly the same yeah, like this is a really nice apartment but it’s just like what's the point?” </p>
<p>“We’re pathetic aren’t we?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>David laughed, they really were. “Probably but who cares? There’s nothing wrong with us missing each other Matteo, I mean we’ve never done this have we?” </p>
<p>David wracked his brain, the last time they were apart for a significant time was when he was filming in France. It was two years ago, before Matty. Matteo had stayed home with the twins. He’d been there for a month, and he had planned to go home halfway to break it up because even a month was too long for him. But there had been strikes and his flight had been cancelled and Matteo had actually laughed at him and told him to stay put. Because that just seemed so easy then. </p>
<p>Then he’d showed up three days later with two slightly confused kids in tow because he missed him.</p>
<p>But this was just so different. Because really if he’d needed to, back then he could’ve jumped on a plane, or even driven back home if it had gotten that bad. That would’ve been gruelling but he would’ve done it. And Matteo had come to him anyway. It was a comfort, knowing that getting home wasn’t this huge impossibility. He could get back of course if there was an emergency but it was a seventeen-hour flight and a massive time difference. He couldn’t just pop back, even for a few days, it would mess things up.</p>
<p>“Been apart more than a few weeks? No, we haven't, have we?” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>“Yeah well we’re never doing it again,” David insisted.</p>
<p>He knew Matteo was still struggling to grasp that, evidenced by the fact he brushed over that and changed the topic every time it came up. Still he’d realise it in time.</p>
<p>“I’m laying in the sandpit now, Mimmo is burying me.” Matteo was again not commenting on what David had just said.</p>
<p>“Really?” </p>
<p>“Nah he doesn’t quite have the coordination yet, but I am covered in sand, it’s everywhere, hold on,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>There was a lot of shuffling on the line.</p>
<p>“Hello?” David wondered what his husband was up to.</p>
<p>“Dada,” Matty said, giggling.</p>
<p>“Hey Matty,” David said softly.</p>
<p>“Dada sandy,” he squealed.</p>
<p>He broke off into peals of laughter and David closed his eyes and listened. It was one of his favourite sounds in the world.</p>
<p>“He can almost hold the phone himself,” Matteo said proudly, “but it’s too big for his little hands.”</p>
<p>“I miss him so much, all of them and you.” David looked around his lonely apartment again and closed his eyes. He could do this.</p>
<p>“Four weeks now.” At least Matteo seemed to believe him now.</p>
<p>“Was Jakey really ok?” </p>
<p>David hadn’t seen him that upset since he’d first moved in with them.</p>
<p>Back then he’d been so nervous, so afraid, traumatised from his life before them. He’d cried at the slightest things, proper heartbreaking sobs every time. He’d pretty much clung to Jamilah, following her everywhere but she’d been so patient with him. Just allowed it, still allowed it now. She was fiercely protective of him and always would be. But things were better. Until he’d left and thrown everything up in the air again.</p>
<p>“Yeah he’s fine, I promise. He’s ok David, he’s just missing you that’s all. But he’s fine, he’d already forgotten about his tears by the time we got to school. I promise you, he loves you so much. He’s not upset with you,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Ok, ok, it just… it really shook me.” It wasn’t fair seeing him like that, so far away. He felt so helpless because all Jake had needed was a hug, to be bundled up in David’s arms and hugged tight and it would all pass. But he couldn’t do that right now because there was an ocean between them.</p>
<p>Matteo sighed. “David, they had really difficult, really unsettled lives before us, remember? They were so scared when they came to us. Things have been calm for a long time. Any change is going to stress them out. It’s really affecting them, right now everything feels a bit off, a bit wrong here. And… I'm really trying my fucking best but they can tell I'm not ok because of course they can. They’re not stupid-”</p>
<p>“Matteo-”</p>
<p>“And well if I'm sad about this then, of course, it makes them nervous. Because they miss you of course they do, but I'm the grown-up, I'm supposed to be holding it together but I’m not. We’re all ok, we’re all fine but we’re just… on hold, we’re just waiting for you to get back but I'm so close to done and they can tell and I just…. I promised they'd have a calm and settled life and right now I don’t think I can give them that, it’s just nothing feels certain and that’s probably the scariest part for them.”</p>
<p>That was it. Why was he even here? How could he do this to them? “I’m coming home.” He wasn’t doing this anymore it was ridiculous. They needed him home.</p>
<p>“No, you’re not.” Matteo was stern, left no room to argue. He was right though.</p>
<p>“Matteo,” David whispered.</p>
<p>“Finish it, finish your film otherwise we’ve gone through this for what?” Matteo reminded him.</p>
<p>He had a point, they were so close now. He wouldn’t really give that up.</p>
<p>“Ok,” he said quietly.</p>
<p>“It’s four weeks, we’ve done what thirteen already? We can do another four,” Matteo insisted.</p>
<p>David had no idea how he did it, stayed so strong. But it was all on the surface really, deep down he was in just as much turmoil as he was.</p>
<p>“Ok. Ok. We can do it,” David agreed.</p>
<p>“My little Mim’s fine at least,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>That made him smile. Matty was too young to be affected by all this and hopefully, he wouldn’t even remember it. And it was never happening again, so he would come out of this completely unaffected.</p>
<p>“He’s always fine,” David agreed, “he’s so easy to please.”</p>
<p>“Ok you need to get ready for work, have you eaten?” Matteo was always taking care of him, even when he wasn’t there with him.</p>
<p>“Yeah I had a yoghurt, I’ve got some questionable fruit in the fridge too, I’m fine.” He realised he was living like he was a student again. How spoilt and cared for he was back home. “I don’t wanna go,” he whined but it was a lie, he was enjoying the job just fine.</p>
<p>“I foolishly offered Jake a yoghurt the other day, the look of absolute disgust I got in return. When did that become a thing? He loved yoghurts! But <em>you</em> have to go to work and I know you do want to, stop whining. We've gotta eat, you gotta keep bringing in the money. So go direct the best movie ever released and win all the Oscars.” </p>
<p>He always said that, was truly his biggest fan, his biggest supporter. Every movie he made Matteo got his suit cleaned and pressed ready, even when there were no award ceremonies to attend. If there weren’t any they would just go to dinner instead, some fancy restaurant, all dressed up.</p>
<p>David couldn’t help himself, he blushed slightly at the faith Matteo had in his success. “I’m not winning any Oscars.” This wasn’t that kind of movie, there would be no Oscars. It was an independent film part-funded by the LA Phil, part by three trans youth groups in the city. It was going to be good but the audience wasn’t going to be huge in any way. But it was going to reach the right people. They would make sure of it.</p>
<p>“You might.” </p>
<p>David just knew he was pouting. “Maybe some smaller awards,” he conceded.</p>
<p>But that would probably involve coming back here so he kind of hoped not. Not really. He appreciated any recognition he got but he didn’t want to have to come back for a while.</p>
<p>“Will there be a fancy ceremony?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“Maybe? Not too fancy, I don’t know. Why? You wanna come?” </p>
<p>That would be nice, just like old times but it wasn’t something they could do anymore. He wouldn’t trade what he had for all the fancy award ceremonies in the world.</p>
<p>“Always.” </p>
<p>There went Matteo surprising him again.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“For a short trip, we could do that, a couple of days no more.” </p>
<p>David wasn’t sure that Matteo could be away from the kids that long. Maybe if he spent the entire time on the phone to them. “The kids?” David reminded him</p>
<p>“Mama? Or Laura? Let’s wait and see,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>That was an idea. Something they hadn’t done in a while.</p>
<p>Matteo had come along to a lot of these things now, in fact, he rarely went without him. David was comfortable enough attending by this point. Mostly confident, proud of his work. But back when he first started out he’d been terrified and he still got nervous to this day. That’s why he liked to have Matteo there with him. </p>
<p>He’d gotten pretty used to it too, didn’t seem to get that anxious, easily deflected all attention back to David. Just stood by him in his own quiet way. Didn't mind getting dressed up so much and he always looked amazing next to him. </p>
<p>He always wanted to attend to support David but that was about as much as he could manage. Despite the interviewers being so curious about his mysterious husband, they knew almost nothing. And that was the way it would stay. Matteo was there to provide him with quiet support, nothing more. Had no interest in the attention.</p>
<p>“We’ll see. But you’re right can’t avoid this any longer.” David dragged himself up from the sofa and headed to the bedroom to get dressed, “don’t fall asleep in the sandpit,” he warned Matteo.</p>
<p>“As if I would,” Matteo scoffed.</p>
<p>“You would if Matty does,” David countered.</p>
<p>Any time their baby fell asleep Matteo was asleep a few minutes later. If he wasn’t careful and Matty fell asleep in the sandpit that would be it.</p>
<p>“That's true but Mimmo isn’t sleeping anytime soon. I've got a very hungry little baby on my hands, he’s about to start grumbling I can tell.”</p>
<p>David couldn’t hear anything but then he realised all the giggling had stopped. He usually went quiet just before he was about to cry.</p>
<p>“Lunchtime?”</p>
<p>“Lunchtime, bit of a late one, gotta grab the twins first,” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>“Jamilah had dance?” </p>
<p>“Yeah and Jake had arts and crafts but they should be finishing up. But we’ll grab some fruit for the way, won’t we Mimmo? Can’t have you starving,” Matteo said. </p>
<p>“Ok go eat, get the twins I'll call you later yeah?” David said.</p>
<p>He didn’t want to let him go but it was time to start the day. He had a movie to shoot, and a rigid schedule to stick to so that he could get home to his family.</p>
<p>“Love you,” Matteo said quietly.</p>
<p>“Love you too,” David whispered, ending the call and letting him go for now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seven hours later David was still on set, at an old abandoned quarry a few miles outside of the city. They’d been filming out here all day. He probably wasn’t going to get back until late because they were filming until dusk to get the good lighting. This was a real place Francis and some of the friends he’d grown up with on the street would hang out. Far away enough to feel like they were leaving the city behind but close enough for them to get out there on their bikes.</p>
<p>They were taking a break but they’d essentially been filming the young actors just messing around. Although there was a scene behind it. This was one of Samuel’s safe spaces, a part of his old life he kept separate from his new life, he was showing Miranda, finally letting her in. That was a familiar feeling for David.</p>
<p>He’d wandered off and was sitting at the edge of the quarry. Staring out into the desert. It was peaceful out here. Quiet. Behind him, you could see the city but he was staring out into the empty barren landscape. For a moment it was as if the heavy weight was lifted from his shoulders. He could just take a minute to himself. If it wasn’t so late, definitely past midnight in Berlin he would be on the phone. Just like he was with pretty much every spare minute he had. But the quiet was good too, he’d called a few hours ago while eating lunch, got to chat with the kids, help with their homework, so there was that at least.</p>
<p>He continued to stare out at the desert. He had to admit it was pretty cool out here, definitely a worthwhile location despite the delay it had caused. Francis had many stories from this place and it was more authentic filming here than in a studio. </p>
<p>His friend approached him now. “Hey,” he said.</p>
<p>“Hey, Francis.”</p>
<p>“May I sit?” Francis asked.</p>
<p>“Of course.”</p>
<p>Francis sat down beside him and bumped their shoulders. “Doing ok?” </p>
<p>David shrugged, there was no point in lying. But he was actually not doing too bad, sitting out here in the quiet like that. It helped.</p>
<p>“Yep,” he said.</p>
<p>“I know you’re struggling,” Francis said gently like David hadn’t spent half his time here whining to him about how much he missed Matteo and the kids.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” He continued to stare out across the desert. </p>
<p>“It’s getting harder now we’re getting close to the end right?” Francis asked, bumping their shoulders together again.</p>
<p>That was exactly it, he was getting so close but yet it still wasn't close enough. It was frustrating and making these last few weeks even harder. “Yeah, in the beginning, it was this thing I had to focus on because going home was far away. So like I had something to work towards, to keep me going. But now it’s so close and it's just been so long but it’s so close, I just want it to be here. Don’t get me wrong, I love this, I love working with you and I love this movie, but Francis I wanna go home,” David told him.</p>
<p>“God I get you, I couldn't do it, you’re incredibly strong. To leave Maria and the girls? I can’t imagine it. I would love to come back to Europe, I still get offers all the time, Paris literally asked me to be guest a pianist a month ago but I turned them down. I miss it sometimes, the travelling but not without them you know? I think you've done amazing. If you asked me to come to Berlin they would have to all come with me, or I would be a wreck, I would just be crying in the hotel the entire time,” Francis said.</p>
<p>Like that wasn’t pretty much David’s life right now. Not quite but it was close to it some nights. He hadn’t cried much but only because he was trying to stay tough. Once he started he wouldn’t stop and then he wouldn’t be able to work. He could cry when he got home. Instead on really bad nights, he curled up with Brambles, the soft, worn, stuffed bunny that Jamilah and Jake had insisted he took with him. They’d bought it for Jamilah when she moved in and she’d given it to Jake, who in turn had given it to Matty when they brought him home from the hospital. It was a comfort for them and they wanted it to be a comfort for him. It didn’t quite work but it was sweet of them and it helped a little.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” David said quietly.</p>
<p>“You doing that?” Francis asked him, concerned.</p>
<p>It was understandable but he was coping, just about. He would make it through this.</p>
<p>“No but only because when I'm in the apartment I’m calling Matteo and the kids literally every free minute I have,” he admitted.</p>
<p>He wasn’t kidding either, he called when he woke up, every break he had, when he got home, and again before he went to bed. There wasn’t a day where he hadn’t called at least twice. It was stupid but he was terrified the kids would forget about him. And he thought it would help with how much they missed him.</p>
<p>“That's a good thing,” Francis told him. It was good to hear that. He didn’t much care what people thought of him these days but Francis assuring him his behaviour was okay felt good.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” he checked.</p>
<p>“It’s good. It’s healthy. I’m sorry to take you from your family but this movie is so important to me, and it’s going to be so important to others.” He obviously felt guilty. There was no need to justify it to David though. He got it. He wouldn’t be there if he didn’t.</p>
<p>“It's important to me too,” David assured him.</p>
<p>“Samuel is important to me.” Francis glanced over at the teenage actors mucking around over at the other edge of the quarry. </p>
<p>They were good kids, David was very fond of them. He’d distanced himself a bit these past few days but everyone seemed to understand. Even the teenagers got why he was disappointed by the delay. They still thought he was a lame old loser but they refrained from telling him to his face.</p>
<p>They both watched Ricky climb atop an abandoned car and yell down at the others like they were his minions. Fifteen years old and already so cool and confident. He was in charge of all of them, everyone loved him. But he was a good kid, loved acting, dedicated himself to his passion. He was pretty grounded though, his parents took good care of him, had taught him well. He had a bright future ahead of him.</p>
<p>“Samuel is you,” David pointed out.</p>
<p>Francis nodded. “To a point, yes and he’s you and he’s all of us, all the fucking under-represented marginalized kids who feel they have no hope.”</p>
<p>“Kids that can be ok?”</p>
<p>“Yes exactly! Oh they can be, they absolutely can be. They can thrive and flourish and live full lives. And I want to show them that, I want to show them because I never saw anything like that when I was Ricky’s age,” Francis said.</p>
<p>“There wasn’t much was there?” David said, thinking about it.</p>
<p>What he wouldn’t have given for some decent representation, there was a little out there when he was a teenager. Mostly set over here in the States. It was a lot better now, a lot more choice. Matteo said it was because of him. That he’d made half the LGBTQ movies in Europe. That wasn’t true, not even close but he had made a few. He made movies about what he knew. Even in the more fantastical films the characters in them were real. He wrote queer characters because they were real.</p>
<p>“A lot of tragedy was all we got,” Francis agreed.</p>
<p>“That's one of the reasons why I'm here, I mean I love you man and I know I owed you but it's for the movie not for you, I want my name on this and I want my kids to watch it when they’re older, much older, and be proud,” David told him.</p>
<p>“They will be,” Francis assured him, “did you ever think you'd make it this far? When you were Samuel’s age? His age?” he asked, nodding over at Ricky who was now brandishing some kind of stick, still ranting about something. </p>
<p>His castmates were just laughing at him. They had so much energy at that age. They were getting restless and would have to get back to work soon.</p>
<p>“Oh yes, I was so fucking stubborn, I was going to make it just as a fuck you to the rest of the world,” he told him.</p>
<p>Looking back David couldn’t believe how angry he’d been, and how long he’d held onto it. He was so different in that respect now. Of course, he still got angry now and then but it was nothing like the rage that used to burn through him as a teenager. </p>
<p>It had still been there years after he ran away, after he’d gotten help with his transition, after meeting Matteo and finishing high school, after starting film school. He’d still been angry for so long. His first few projects that first year of film school had some pretty dark themes. No happy endings in sight. </p>
<p>It didn’t matter that he was happy, that things had worked out for him. For a long time, he didn’t trust it. He trusted Matteo sure, knew there was no way that boy was leaving him but still it felt like it could all be snatched away from him. </p>
<p>Then Matteo started therapy, started to finally deal with a childhood that had left deep and everlasting scars on his mind. Started to learn how to deal with that and move forward, to let go of the past. </p>
<p>And in doing so he confided everything in David, everything he’d been through. How it affected him, would always affect him. How he was going to manage that and still get to live a happy and full life. He confronted his dad, confronted his mother too, outlined to both of them exactly where they’d gone wrong, failed him and let him down. How he’d been forced out of his childhood far earlier than he was ready and how that was entirely on them. </p>
<p>And somehow, to David’s complete surprise they took every single comment on board and apologised so sincerely, so devastatingly earnest that Matteo forgave them without hesitation. </p>
<p>They were fine, it had taken time but they'd healed, he felt comfortable with them again, trusted them, loved them.</p>
<p>And seeing that from the outside made David take stock of where his anger stemmed from.</p>
<p>It helped David realise why he was still holding onto it. He’d had a very different childhood to Matteo, had been happy for the most part until he turned twelve. Until puberty hit and to his parents he became this difficult child, this problem they just had to fix. And looking back, with Matteo’s and Laura’s help, with the help of his friends and the therapist he saw back then he could see why it went wrong so quickly between them. </p>
<p>He’d talked about it with Laura the most, long difficult conversations that she'd been waiting to have with him as soon as he was ready. It wasn’t that they hadn’t accepted him right away, he’d expected that. He’d gone in ready with arguments ready to work on it, convince them. He’d known it would take time. </p>
<p>He’d given up pretty quickly when he realised how stupidly stubborn they were. But the problem was, the issue he’d had was how quickly it had become a problem in their eyes. They never took a moment to step back and understand him. For the longest time, he was a problem that needed to be fixed, and then when it became apparent that he couldn’t be fixed, that he wasn’t going to back down he became a problem to hide, something they were ashamed of. That was so much worse.</p>
<p>So he’d left. Moved in with Laura and cut off all contact with them. For a long time, he thought that was just how it was going to be. Everyone telling him even if he didn’t forgive them he should still tell them how he felt, how they’d hurt him, how problematic they’d been. But he just couldn’t be bothered, couldn’t face it. Why should he waste his breath on these people who’d treated him like this dirty little secret? An embarrassment to them.</p>
<p>Of all people, it had been Berto who’d convinced him otherwise. Matteo’s absent father, this man who was an absolutely terrible example of a parent somehow convinced him to give his parents another shot.</p>
<p>They’d been visiting him in Italy, Matteo having forgiven him a couple of years back at this point. David had still been wary but trusted Matteo’s judgment. They’d gone for a summer, the year before his final year of film school. It had been a great trip. They’d stayed mostly in Rome but taken the train out to the neighbouring cities to explore. It was beautiful, Matteo had been in his element. All bright and golden in the sun. Showing off in Italian, teasing David whenever he didn’t understand, charming everyone else around him. If David hadn’t already been head over heels in love with Matteo he would have fallen all over again just seeing him like that. </p>
<p>One night David had been unable to sleep, the heat plus the way Matteo insisted on draping himself over him was not the most comfortable. So he’d escaped and wandered around Matteo’s father’s fancy Rome apartment, running into him in the kitchen. </p>
<p>David could barely remember what they talked about or how they got onto the topic of his parents, he’d been half asleep and overheated. He’d been rude, he remembered that, made it clear to the older man he didn’t trust him one bit. To his annoyance Berto had been more amused than upset, his own relationship with Matteo on solid enough ground that he didn’t feel threatened by his annoyed boyfriend. How young he must have seemed to him back then. But he never commented on that, never dismissed him. He appreciated how fiercely protective David was of Matteo. </p>
<p>And for some reason he’d let David lay into him. They’d kept talking about his mistakes, the choices he’d made, his many, many regrets, and something he’d said then stuck with David. </p>
<p>He’d said he regretted the poor decisions he’d made with Matteo, and with his wife but mostly with Matteo. Said he should never have left him alone like that the way he did. But given the choice, the chance to start over, he wouldn’t change anything. Because those terrible decisions shaped Matteo to be the man he was today, and he was beyond proud of the man Matteo had become. Wouldn’t change a single aspect of him. </p>
<p>They’d argued on that too, that Matteo shouldn't have had to go through so much. Berto had conceded that he would likely be just as kind, just as brave without him leaving. Which was the absolute truth, it wasn’t the trauma that made him kind, it just highlighted how kind he already was. Berto admitted to David that the real reason he wouldn’t change anything because he didn’t think he deserved that chance of a redo, that he’d fucked up once by leaving, by staying what was to say he wouldn’t have fucked up even worse?</p>
<p>David had told him then and there that he couldn’t speak for Matteo but that he’d rather have a parent there fucking up and trying than no parent at all. And somehow from there, he launched into a rant he’d never even known he’d needed to air. He’d gone on about how his parents had tried to fix him, how they’d been so ashamed of him, how they’d never once taken a moment to just <em>understand</em> him and what he was going through, what he was dealing with. He’d told him everything, things he’d never been planning on telling this practical stranger, his future father-in-law. </p>
<p>The man had listened, not interrupting, not trying to defend his parents. Agreed with David on every point he’d made. He’d barely even blinked at the revelation that David was trans, apart from admitting he knew little more than the concept. But even that was a better response than he’d ever gotten from his own parents. From this man who barely knew him. He knew it was in part because he was doing everything he could to stay on Matteo and therefore David’s good side. He appreciated it all the same. That all he needed to know about David was that he loved his son.</p>
<p>Berto had told him that. He had said that he didn’t know his parents, couldn’t speak for them but Matteo loved him, that he’d never seen him as happy as he was with David. Nothing else mattered. David had pretty much loved him from that point on. He finally started to see why Matteo was able to forgive him, finally understood that he may be a bad parent but not a bad person. And that he was trying and that had to count for something.</p>
<p>All Berto had said regarding his own parents was that they were wrong to dismiss him, that they should’ve taken the time to hear him. That he wasn’t going to side with them but did David really think he was the person he wanted to be talking about this? That he clearly had a lot to say. They should hear it and he should make them listen. </p>
<p>And he had. The moment they landed back in Berlin he sent Matteo home and marched over to his parents’ house and banged on the door until they let him in. They were surprised but allowed him inside.</p>
<p>And he just told them everything, everything he’d told Berto, Laura, and Matteo. Everything he’d told his therapist, and more. Told them just how angry he was, how much he wanted to hate them but couldn’t despite himself. He told them it all in a calm and unwavering voice, leaving them sitting there in stunned silence. He made to leave but his mother’s gentle hand on his arm stopped him. She asked for time, asked him to give them a chance. Told him she heard him, they both did, they finally heard him. That they couldn’t undo the way they’d behaved but they were sorry. They were so deeply and profoundly sorry and could he ever bring himself to forgive them?</p>
<p>And it took time, it took so much time. It did not go smoothly at all. Nothing was fixed immediately. There were still a lot of fights but eventually, he was able to let go of the last of his anger. He was finally able to forgive them. It hadn't been easy, they still weren’t a huge part of his life like they could’ve been but they were his parents and he loved them.</p>
<p>And he’d learnt from them too. Because when Berto told him to talk to them, to make them listen, he’d said they were more likely to now that he was an adult. When he spoke of his feelings they would no longer be able to dismiss it as childish fantasy. So he took that on board and he vowed to never ever dismiss his own children in the same way. He would listen to them always, their fears and worries, their hopes and dreams. No matter how young they were he would listen to them. He never wanted them to be afraid to be honest with him the way he had been with his own parents. </p>
<p>He was no longer angry, it was so rare for him to get mad and it was never on the same level as that harmful toxic anger he’d held onto for so long. He was completely at peace with his life. Back then he’d needed the stubbornness, the anger just to get through. He would have never survive otherwise. </p>
<p>“My anger kept me going,” he told Francis.</p>
<p>“I didn’t have that, the stubbornness, the anger,” Francis said, “I was so close to the edge when Neil saved me,” he said.</p>
<p>It was Neil who talked Francis out of spending a night in a jail cell for a petty crime. Who’d instead talked him into a school far more prestigious and expensive than he would have gotten into in any other circumstance. But that was what Neil did, he talked and he listened and he gave kids a chance. He was a good man, had saved Francis’ life really. He was like a father to Francis and the godfather to his kids. </p>
<p>Francis was less forgiving than David. Hadn’t seen his parents in years. But the difference was that they weren’t sorry at all.</p>
<p>“But you did make it,” David reminded him.</p>
<p>“I did,” Francis agreed.</p>
<p>There was a shout and a cheer and the two men watched Ricky and Simon sword fighting with branches, surrounded by their castmates who were egging them on. David smiled, it was nice, they were just kids having fun. They did their best not to let the job get too heavy for them despite the theme of the movie. They tried not to let it impact their schoolwork, not let it drag them too far from their normal lives. It was important to him that they didn’t push too hard, they wouldn’t get anything good out of them if they did.</p>
<p>“He idolises you,” David said, nodding at Ricky.</p>
<p>Francis nodded, running a hand over his close-cropped hair. When they’d met he’d had a full head of thick hair. Used to colour it differently every week. Buzzed it off for fun back then. Now it was to hide the bald. They were getting old. David definitely had a lot less hair than he used to, the only reason he still had a full head of hair was because he’d started out with so much. It was definitely thinning and there was some grey in there too, even more in his beard. He reckoned he could probably go another ten years before it was really obvious.</p>
<p>“I know, it’s kinda embarrassing,” Francis said.</p>
<p>“No it’s sweet, you make a good role model,” David said.</p>
<p>“He makes me feel so old,” Francis said.</p>
<p>“Hate to break it to you but we are old.” David laughed at Francis’ disgruntled expression.</p>
<p>“You know I can’t understand half the shit he’s saying?” Francis asked.</p>
<p>David knew what he meant there. At first, he’d just thought it was a translation thing, that he just didn’t get the English but it didn’t take long before he realised the kids were practically speaking their own language and none of the rest of them had a chance. Unlike Francis though, he could pretend he was still cool, could make out that their meaning was being lost in translation.</p>
<p>“God me neither,” David admitted, “just think about when our kids are like that, teenagers, and we can’t talk to them anymore. When we’re no longer cool to them,” he said.</p>
<p>“And they stop doing what we say? Doesn’t even bear thinking about.,” Francis said, shaking his head at that horrifying thought, “anyway I actually came over for a reason.”</p>
<p>“To chat?” He figured Francis had seen him sulking over here and had come over to check he was ok.</p>
<p>“No to talk about scheduling,” he said quietly.</p>
<p>David’s heart sank, he couldn’t take this. He’d just promised Matteo. He’d promised them all he would be home. “Oh god Francis,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Ok please don’t get your hopes up too much. I didn’t want to tell you yet but I saw you moping and thought you could do with a win. We are ahead of schedule and-”</p>
<p>“You’re fucking with me?” David demanded.</p>
<p>“No I spoke with John and Liz this morning, all the school stuff is done. This is our last location day. We’ve just got the rest of apartment scenes and the scene with the parents to go and that’s it. Oh no, wait the auditorium scene too. If all goes to plan we’ll be done by the week after next,” Francis told him.</p>
<p>David couldn’t breathe. That was two weeks instead of four. He could go home in two weeks. This week was over, only two more to go. He wanted to stand up and cheer. He wanted to lay down in the sand. He wanted to hug Francis. But he couldn’t he was frozen, he didn’t dare hope.</p>
<p>“Francis,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“I’m not fucking around,” Francis said sincerely.</p>
<p>“Oh my god, oh my god.” There was nothing else he could say, he was too excited. He could do this. He knew it wasn’t a huge difference, it was nothing in the grand scheme of things but it meant so much to him.</p>
<p>“Anything could happen to throw that off, it’s why I didn’t want to tell you yet,” Francis warned.</p>
<p>“I don’t care I'm out of here,” David said with certainty.</p>
<p>Francis rolled his eyes. “It’s not that bad.” </p>
<p>“No it’s not, it’s not bad at all but I have three babies and a husband waiting for me, I just wanna go home,” David said.</p>
<p>“Then you better work hard, gotta get this shit done.” Francis stood up and held his hand out to David.</p>
<p>David took it and stood up, brushing the sand from his trousers. They headed back round to where everyone else was. He was suddenly more enthusiastic to get on with things now that the end was truly in sight. He’d been fine really, the entire shoot. He hadn’t let his homesickness interfere with the work. Until the delays, then he just couldn’t stay excited. It just crushed him.</p>
<p>Francis waved over at Ricky and the other kids who were back to climbing on the junk that littered the quarry.</p>
<p>“Get down from there! We gotta finish this movie with your pretty faces intact, then you can fling yourself off all the wreckage you like,” he yelled, jogging over to them.</p>
<p>David just followed him still lost in thought. Two weeks? That was so soon. That was manageable. He could do that. That was nothing now. He could start packing. Last time he hadn’t bothered, had known as the date approached he wasn’t going to make it. He hadn't been paying much attention to scheduling just in case it got pushed out again. But this time it was happening. He needed to look at flights. There was so much to do. He would be so busy it would go quickly. It would be here before he knew it.</p>
<p>Just two weeks. David could hardly breathe. He wanted nothing more than to call Matteo and tell him but he knew that this wasn’t a promise. This was Francis trying to help him through, it was a date they might make but everything between then and now would have to go exactly right. </p>
<p>Still, David was willing to put his faith in the chance of it. He marched over to the young actors milling around not doing any work and clapped his hands together.</p>
<p>“Right you layabouts, clearly you’re done with lunch so let's get to work!” David waved them down.</p>
<p>“This is child labour,” Ricky groaned, but he climbed down from the car wreck anyway.</p>
<p>“Oh sorry, what was that? You’d rather be in school right now? Double physics? I'm sure that can be arranged,” David teased. </p>
<p>There was a tutor on set most days to keep them up to date with schoolwork and Ricky complained about it the most. Said he didn’t need school, just wanted to act. </p>
<p>David had spoken with his parents a few times. They were supportive of his career choice but it was important to them that he finished school too. And David got it, Francis too, refused to let any of them fall behind much to their annoyance.</p>
<p>“Ok ok, you’re as bad as my dad,” he muttered.</p>
<p>David ignored that and threw his arm around his shoulders. “You’re doing a fucking great job kid, and I'm so proud of what you’ve achieved.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, David.” Ricky ducked his head, blushing hard.</p>
<p>“Ok guys places please.” David watched everyone get back into position. It was time to work. Time to get him closer to going home. He watched his young actors step forward and bring the story to life.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Back in the apartment a few hours later, David was cooking. Something he’d done about three or four times since getting there. But it wasn’t all takeout. He had dinner with Francis and Maria at least twice, sometimes three times a week.</p>
<p>And he <em>could</em> cook just fine, it was just years with Matteo left him spoiled.</p>
<p>But he’d spent enough time in the kitchen to pick up a few of the basics. He was making a pizza. It was nice, methodically kneading the dough, he understood why Matteo liked doing this. He’d gotten groceries and everything, it was as if Francis’ news today had sparked enthusiasm in him. That and Matteo telling him to pull himself together that morning.</p>
<p>He felt good for the first time in a while, not brilliant but he felt ok.</p>
<p>He was watching the clock, it was only half seven, they’d finished earlier than he’d expected. He was already tired but he was going to stay up for a bit. In a couple of hours, Matteo would be awake and he could ring him to say good night or good morning.</p>
<p>It was a bit of a surprise when twenty minutes later, just as he was putting the pizza in the oven, his phone rang.</p>
<p>Matteo was calling him, the dual clock on his phone reminded him it was half four in the morning over there.</p>
<p>“It’s early,” he said softly, he set the timer on the oven and headed over to the sofa, “can’t sleep?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Woke up missing you,” Matteo mumbled sleepily.</p>
<p>David wanted nothing more than to tell him his news. But it wasn’t a hundred percent certain and he couldn’t crush him like that. No he would keep quiet a little while longer.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry Matteo,” he said quietly.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?” Matteo asked him.</p>
<p>David just knew he was shrugging, pretending this wasn’t hurting him as much as it really was. They were going to have a good long talk about that when he got home.</p>
<p>“Making pizza or I was, it’s in the oven now,” David told him smugly.</p>
<p>“What? Like from a box?” </p>
<p>How dare he? Why was he so suspicious of him?</p>
<p>“Don’t be rude, from scratch.” David glanced over at the mess that was his kitchen, flour everywhere. Matteo didn't need to know about that, what mattered was that he’d made the pizza.</p>
<p>“Well done I guess,” he said slowly.</p>
<p>He sounded so doubtful. His husband was so rude, absolutely no faith in his cooking skills. Had tried to send food with him when he left, had tried to mail him food too, neither of which were allowed. Seemed genuinely afraid he was going to starve. </p>
<p>It wasn’t that he couldn’t cook it was that he was too lazy to and he found it frustrating.</p>
<p>“Yeah I've decided you’re right I've gotta look after myself, stop moping,” David said.</p>
<p>“What four weeks before you come back?” Matteo asked sceptically.</p>
<p>It was two weeks but Matteo didn’t know that. Two weeks where Francis would probably feed him twice, and he would go out with the crew a few times. So he could feed himself the other few days.</p>
<p>“Yep,” he said.</p>
<p>“Pizza?”</p>
<p>He didn’t know why Matteo was being so sceptical. You didn’t have to be Italian to make pizza, he wasn’t the only person that could. “Reminds me of you.” </p>
<p>“I don’t know whether I should be offended,” Matteo scoffed.</p>
<p>David heard him yawning and the rustling of sheets as he tried to get comfortable. He could definitely get a bit more sleep if he tried.</p>
<p>“Nah it’s just a home thing, reminds me of home,” David said.</p>
<p>“I do cook other food,” Matteo muttered.</p>
<p>David smirked. “I know, pasta too,” he said, cracking up.</p>
<p>“Less of the fucking cheek you asshole or you can do the cooking from now on.” It was an empty threat, he would never do that. It would be awful not because he couldn’t cook but because he preferred Matteo’s food and so did the kids, they would never forgive him.</p>
<p>“No I know. You make so much,” David insisted.</p>
<p>“Hmm, well I made burgers from lentils last night and everyone loved them,” Matteo said smugly.</p>
<p>“Even Jakey?” David asked, knowing Jake rarely ate anything fancy.</p>
<p>His son loved chips and ketchup and not much else.</p>
<p>“Especially Jakey.” He sounded a lot less confident than before.</p>
<p>“Really?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Fine, ok he had his completely plain no flavour at all, not even salt, and he dipped all the bread in ketchup. That kid David what are we going to do with him?” Matteo joked, then yawned loudly.</p>
<p>“At least he’s eating,” David said.</p>
<p>When Jake had first moved hin he’d barely eaten anything, not trusting what they were giving him, only eating whatever Jamilah was eating. She’d cottoned on pretty quickly though, patiently showed him everything she was eating and he caught up. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Matteo murmured, yawning again.</p>
<p>“You’re tired, Matteo,” David said, getting up and getting the pizza out of the oven.</p>
<p>He plated it up and glanced around the messy kitchen, knowing he wasn’t going to clean up that evening, he was too tired. Instead he carried his food back over to the sofa. He connected the phone to the speaker system and collapsed back against the cushions.</p>
<p>“I’m so tired David, I feel like I haven’t slept in years,” Matteo admitted quietly.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” David said again, guilt overwhelming him, suddenly he didn’t feel like eating anymore. A dull ache settled in his stomach.</p>
<p>“Not your fault,” Matteo insisted.</p>
<p>“It feels like it,” David muttered.</p>
<p>“It’s not I promise. You had to do this,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>But that wasn’t true, was it? No one was forcing him to be here. In the end, there was a choice. He’d made a choice to be there.</p>
<p>“Did I though?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah Francis is your friend, he trusted you with his story, ok you didn’t have to but you did want to. I wouldn’t have tried to convince you otherwise. And we had a plan, we thought it would be three months and we really did think we could cope. We were wrong on both counts there.” Matteo was getting quieter and quieter the closer he got to falling asleep.</p>
<p>He’d drift off soon. David grabbed some pizza and settled back down. “True,” he said, before taking a bite.</p>
<p>“And you’re the best director ever, and you get this story, it’s personal to you too, it had to be you,” Matteo insisted.</p>
<p>“I wish you could’ve come with,” David groaned, pushing his plate aside and running his hand through his hair.</p>
<p>“We couldn’t do that, not to the kids. Years ago I would’ve come with you but it’s different now,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>David sighed, there was no point dwelling on it really. They’d had no other choice. “You’re right of course, I don’t want them here.”</p>
<p>“Is it bad?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“No there’s nothing wrong but I dunno, it’s not home. It wouldn’t be a holiday, I would be busy, I just think you’d probably be miserable. I don’t want anything unsettled about their lives, Jake’s just started school, Jammy’s doing so well, I’m not going to risk any of that.” </p>
<p>He didn’t even think they could just pull the kids out of school, they didn’t really speak English so they couldn’t go to school here. Matteo would have to teach them at home. So what would be the point? Apart from to keep him company.</p>
<p>“No true,” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>“I want them to have the most stable lives possible,” David said.</p>
<p>They both did. They’d promised it. Both Jamilah and Jake had come to them so afraid and uncertain. They had been so scared but for some reason, they trusted him and Matteo to take care of them. But they remembered it, everything before they’d moved there, all those bad memories. David knew they remembered and he didn’t want to do anything to risk dragging it up. </p>
<p>Jake still had nightmares, noises in the night scared him to death. He liked to sleep in their room but no matter how many times they assured him he could, he was also scared they would get fed up of him. So most nights he slept in Jamilah’s room instead. </p>
<p>And Jamilah got so angry sometimes especially when she was scared or uncertain. It was a defence mechanism, she’d learnt not to let her guard down. She’d learnt that the good things got taken away and it had taken years before she’d truly trusted she was there to stay. It would take a long time to move past the harm that had been caused. </p>
<p>But they’d gotten a lot better, they knew they were safe exactly where they were. Knew he and Matteo were there for them, would take care of them always.</p>
<p>Because they would. They’d promised to be better parents than their own parents, and all the bad parental figures and adults Jamilah and Jake had dealt with before them. They would provide them with the safest happiest lives they could. To support them and let them grow to be happy confident adults. To give them the freedom in their choices, that was particularly important to David as it was what he hadn’t had from his parents. But most of all he needed them to know they were supported in everything they did.</p>
<p>“Yeah not like our own lives,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>They’d both had difficult childhoods, for incredibly different reasons. And yes it had made them the adults they were today but it was so hard and took a lot from them. Trauma didn’t shape their lives, was not the reason they were so good and so kind. That strength had been within them all along. Their kids could become great, strong adults, without going through any of that. </p>
<p>“No, exactly and this is a one-time thing Matteo, I'm never going to be away from you like this again,” he promised.</p>
<p>“But I don’t want to hold you back.”</p>
<p>He’d always thought like this, since they’d started dating he always fixated on whether he was enough. He was, always. But that was the impact that kind of childhood left on you, that you had to be enough, more than enough always, or you would be left behind. All David could do was assure him and remind him every time, and he would.</p>
<p>“You're not. You never do I swear, and look I'm still gonna have to travel, I've got that next project in Madrid at the end of the year but it’s different you know? I never want to be somewhere where I can't just jump on a plane and be back in a couple of hours, but Matteo with you, near you, is where I want to be, I have never once felt held back by you,” David promised.</p>
<p>“Ok.” He was quiet but sure. The difference between now and then was he tended to believe David when he told him this. He doubted himself but trusted David. He just needed reminding more often than most.</p>
<p>“So look I'm back in a few weeks,” he lied, “and I've got nothing again until the end of the year, I need a break after this. So essentially I'm gonna be under your feet for the next couple months, I mean I’ve still got a lot of post-production to do. But I’m pretty much going to be following you around, and you know how annoying I get when I’m working at home,” David said. </p>
<p>He struggled to stay on task knowing Matteo and the kids were in the house needing his attention. He would take a break for about a week before he got restless and a little bored. And there was plenty he could do, plenty of friends he could hang out with and catch up. But he would but he knew he’d spend most of his time just hanging with Matteo and the kids. It was his favourite thing.</p>
<p>“Oh god I can't wait,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I’ll get on your nerves,” David warned, knowing that he could never.</p>
<p>“Nah I'll keep you busy,” Matteo promised.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah?” David asked.</p>
<p>Matteo shot him down before he got any ideas. “Yeah for starters you promised Jamilah a treehouse this summer and you better get on with it. She hasn’t forgotten, she asks like every other day,” he reminded him.</p>
<p>That hadn’t been the kind of busy he’d been thinking about. But he had promised her that they could rig something up on the old oak tree that had been in the garden when they’d moved there. It was perfect for a treehouse, old and strong, sturdy. He’d promised Jamilah they could build one together after she’d seen one in a movie.</p>
<p>“It’ll be cold by then,” David whined.</p>
<p>Building a treehouse in the chilly autumn weather did not sound appealing at all. He’d thought something more along the lines of curling up with Matteo in bed or spending the day on the sofa together.</p>
<p>“Good job you don’t feel the cold,” Matteo reminded him, knowing he was putting it off.</p>
<p>He didn’t really mind the cold. He had promised the treehouse and he absolutely did want to build one but it probably wasn’t going to be as easy as he hoped. He’d never done anything like that. Did remember asking his dad once and been told they weren’t for girls. Which was both dumb and wrong on so many levels.</p>
<p>“Fuck that’s no fun, I don’t know if I can build a treehouse,” he admitted.</p>
<p>“You better get learning David, I won’t have you breaking promises to our daughter, she’s excited,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Shit,” David muttered, but it would be fun, he could build a treehouse. It would probably be a mess but he could figure it out. How hard could it be really?</p>
<p>“Just let her help you, she’ll love whatever you make even if it’s a pile of shit.” Matteo really knew how to encourage him, rude man.</p>
<p>“No I'm gonna make it a palace,” David insisted.</p>
<p>“You are so stubborn, you’re gonna be building it the rest of the year huh? Drawing up blueprints? Just trying to get it so perfect?” </p>
<p>David huffed offended. He grabbed his laptop and another slice of pizza. Matteo must’ve heard him typing. “Oh my god are you googling this right now?” he demanded.</p>
<p>“Matteo I want her to have the best treehouse, better than all the other kids,” David said.</p>
<p>Neither of them had been surprised when David turned out to be a pretty competitive dad, just like everything else. Matteo kept him in check most of the time, humoured him with it.</p>
<p>“Better than anything Ben's dad can make?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“Exactly,” David agreed, Ben’s dad was an ass, way more competitive than he ever was.</p>
<p>Just because he was some lawyer in the city and his son had won <em>one</em> spelling competition, beating Jamilah by only two points, he thought that made him dad of the year. And he’d been lording it over David ever since. Like showing up to <em>one </em>event made him a good father. David hated the guy.</p>
<p>“So competitive,” Matteo muttered but he wasn’t cross, he loved David’s competitive nature really.</p>
<p>“You knew that when you married me, babe,” David reminded him.</p>
<p>“That I did,” Matteo said, yawning.</p>
<p>“Go back to sleep Matteo you can still get a couple of hours,” David insisted.</p>
<p>He was surprised Matteo had lasted this long.</p>
<p>“What so you can research treehouses?” Matteo asked sleepily, yawning again.</p>
<p>“Yeah, it's a good distraction.” He clicked around while he ate, looking up some instructions.  He heard Matteo shuffling and settling down.</p>
<p>“Stay on the line though,” Matteo murmured, so close to sleep.</p>
<p>David frowned at the webpage he’d found, it didn’t make any sense. “How tall is the tree at the back of the garden, the oak tree?” he asked his sleepy husband.</p>
<p>“I don’t know David,” Matteo mumbled, his voice was that tired but patient tone he used when he thought David was being over the top.</p>
<p>“10 foot? 20? All the instructions are in American,” David said.</p>
<p>“I don’t even know it in metres David and it's still kinda dark out so I'm not going-”</p>
<p>“Papa?” a quiet voice said in the background.</p>
<p>“Hey Jakey,” Matteo said softly, awake again immediately.</p>
<p>David stopped looking at the laptop and just listened.</p>
<p>“I had a nightmare,” Jake said, voice wobbling, afraid.</p>
<p>David ached to be there, to chase away those monsters. He felt the tears prickling, threatening to spill at the sound of fear in his son’s voice. He needed to be there not here.</p>
<p>“Ok come here,” Matteo said, “Jake?”</p>
<p>“Papa,” Jake cried out.</p>
<p>David just knew he was frozen there, he’d made it to the bedroom but couldn't get any further, too scared. He heard Matteo get out of bed, heard him hushing Jake, comforting him, promising him it would be ok. </p>
<p>“Hey, I think we’re gonna-”</p>
<p>“Hey daddy,” Jake said, voice still trembling slightly but it was already fading now he knew he was safe.</p>
<p>“Hey Jakey, did you just steal the phone from papa?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he said.</p>
<p>“You ok?”</p>
<p>“I had a nightmare,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“But papa’s there?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. We’re going back to sleep now. Good night,” he said, so abruptly David couldn’t help but laugh a little.</p>
<p>What a cheeky little boy. David smiled he couldn’t help it. Jake may have had a nightmare but he was tired, he wanted to go back to sleep.</p>
<p>“David he just fell straight asleep, gave me the phone and rolled over and- oh hey Jammy.”</p>
<p>David grinned, not one to be left out was Jamilah.</p>
<p>“Is it morning?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Not quite,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I want to sleep in here too,” she said.</p>
<p>“Ok sweetheart come in,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I’ll just go get Matty,” she said.</p>
<p>David heard her running off.</p>
<p>“No Jamilah! Don’t wake him if he’s sleeping,” Matteo hissed, but he couldn’t get up without disturbing Jake.</p>
<p>He heard Matty’s cries and knew it was too late.</p>
<p>“Jamilah I told you not to wake him,” Matteo said but he didn’t sound angry or annoyed at all. David just knew he was reaching out for him.</p>
<p>“It's not fair if we all sleep without him,” Jamilah argued.</p>
<p>There was a lot of shuffling and some grumbling from Jamilah. Matty didn’t cry for very long as he was settled. David wondered if Matteo would forget he was on the line and just fall asleep. Then a message came through. A picture.</p>
<p>David looked at them all cosy together on the bed and his heart ached. Matteo in the middle Jake and Jamilah either side of him. Jake already asleep, Jamilah smiling sleepily at the camera. Matty was asleep on Matteo’s chest. There was still half the bed left, where David should be. He sighed and looked around his lonely apartment. Yeah, the sooner he was home the better.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna sleep a bit longer, you should go to bed soon,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I’ll try soon ok, good night Matteo,” David said.</p>
<p>“Love you, David,” Matteo said. </p>
<p>“Love you too,” David whispered.</p>
<p>He didn’t hang up, never did. He left the phone connected while he looked up treehouses and made a plan. He focussed hard on ideas and measurements, building supplies and tools so he didn’t have to think about how lonely he was here without his family. He only disconnected the call when he finally dragged himself off the sofa and headed to bed an hour later.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>coming up next week:</p>
<p>unexpected phone calls, a lost girl, and a big decision</p>
<p>
  <a href="http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com">theo (@youmustbestrongernow)</a>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. a call about a lost girl</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Everything is harder when David is away, including making huge decisions that impact the entire family. So when he gets a call asking him to do just that he is surprised how quickly he is able to make that decision. Now he just has to tell David and the kids there are to be some changes ahead. Wonderful changes.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was early evening and the kids were all somehow, inexplicably, tucked up in bed and fast asleep. In fairness to them, they’d had a pretty long day. Jake had woken several times during the night, which set Jamilah and Matty off too. Not a good night’s sleep for anyone. They’d just gotten up in the end, all of them just cuddling up on the couch and watching cartoons with breakfast because why not? It was safe, quiet, and cosy in the living room. </p>
<p>Eventually, the morning light shone through the large patio window, chasing away the shadows of the night.</p>
<p>It had been touch and go whether they could face school but in the end, both of them had been keen to go in. So they’d gone in and been the closest to on-time Matteo could remember. Even Miss Lilly struggled to hide her surprise at him showing up almost early on a Wednesday morning.</p>
<p>They’d had to go in the car because Jake had wanted to take so much lego with him to play with. Matteo had apologised profusely to his teacher but she’d been fine about it, despite the fact her classroom was going to become a lego warehouse. She insisted they could use it for educational purposes. Matteo wasn’t so sure, wondered if perhaps they were all just going to end up playing and building. It was supposed to be good for their dexterity and creativity though, so he wasn’t going to complain about the academic value of it all. </p>
<p>Despite offloading two full boxes somehow the house was still full of lego. Matteo still found it everywhere. He sat down for five minutes on the sofa with Matty and found at least ten pieces. He had no idea where it all came from, he was pretty sure Jake and David were secretly buying more and more just to wind him up. Even though he never got mad, just put it all away patiently. </p>
<p>His dad would have been mad, back when he was little. Always used to have a short temper. Things were better between them now but back then Matteo had to keep all his stuff hidden away in his room. As a kid he couldn’t understand it, why he always had to be hidden away, always had to play so quietly. Why he was kept away from his mother. </p>
<p>He got it now, got that she’d been sick and understood that his father had been trying to protect him to a point. But he hadn’t done a good job. He'd struggled with his wife's illness, and taken his frustrations out on him. So Matteo at age six or seven had ended up with no idea why things were the way they were, or why he had to be so quiet, or why on a hard day he was being yelled at for making the slightest sound. And it’d had a long-lasting impact on him.</p>
<p>Things were better now with his dad. Matteo didn’t hold grudges it wasn’t in his nature. He knew the man loved him in his own screwed up way, was just not cut out for parenting. Not on that level at least. Maybe if his mama had been the perfect wife and mother, and he’d had to do very little to keep the family going. If all he’d had to do was go out, work, and provide for them, they may have been ok. But that wasn’t how it turned out, and his lack of willingness or ability to put in the effort and work at it became apparent all too early on. </p>
<p>They got on better now that Matteo was able to take care of himself. Now that he wasn’t responsible for him anymore they had an easier relationship. </p>
<p>He was a far better grandfather than he was a father. </p>
<p>He was a lot calmer, more patient in his later years and despite Matteo being wary at first, he trusted the man with his children. They loved him very much and he trusted their judgement. Plus David loved him too, got on well with him, even though a lot of their easy friendship revolved around teasing him. After his mama, Laura, and Jonas, his dad had somehow made it to the next position on the list of babysitters. Not that he could because he still lived in Rome but he would still be one of the first people he would call when he was in need.</p>
<p>When they’d taken in Jamilah he’d gone to his dad and voiced one of his greatest fears. That he wasn’t cut out for it, that he’d be a terrible dad. His dad had told him in a sad and weary voice that he should just do everything opposite to what he’d done. It was devastating but it was true. Matteo had told him later that his biggest mistake was not telling him what had been going on. Ok, he wouldn’t have understood it fully but he could have used simple language, given him some kind of explanation. Instead, in trying to shield him from it, he’d left him alone, afraid and hiding in his room, while it sounded very much like his mother was going crazy around the house. </p>
<p>He’d always been upfront with the kids about everything. There was a way to do it that his dad had never mastered. They didn't need to know every detail, didn’t need to know anything heavy. They could still be shielded from the bad stuff but they also needed to understand anything that was happening to them. </p>
<p>When Jamilah had come to them, and Jake too, both of them afraid in their own different ways, he’d been honest with them. Him and David both. When Jamilah had been signed into their care they’d all sat down together and talked it over. She’d been five years old and so quiet compared to how she was now. It was out of fear, it was her first safe placement, the first place she felt at ease since her parents’ home over a year prior.</p>
<p>She’d already been staying with them for six months but the day it was all finally signed off the day it was announced she was there to stay forever, that was the day it became very real. Matteo sat her down and warned her that he might not be very good at all this, that he was just making it up but that he loved her very much and he promised to do his best.</p>
<p>David had interjected that Matteo was going to be perfect and he was the one who was actually going to struggle so he would just keep lots of ice cream in the freezer to cheer her up. She’d just laughed at that and in a tone that was wise beyond her years, and with words way too deep for any five year old she’d told them it didn’t matter. Said that it was ok if they didn’t know what to do. She didn’t either but she wasn’t scared. She knew everything was going to be ok. Because she loved them and she was home. </p>
<p>And Matteo had known then, if his dad had just told him his mum was sick, if he’d just said that things were hard but he was trying, it would have been so much better. Because knowledge trumped fear every time. By keeping Jamilah in the loop, by letting her see how hard they were fighting for her, she knew she was safe there. She knew they loved her. She knew she could talk to them about anything, any fear, any worry, things that made her happy, just random things a five-year-old wanted to talk about. All of that hesitation, that need to be silent vanished and she hadn’t stopped talking since.</p>
<p>It was an amazing transformation. It was slower for Jake, they were getting there, all they could do was take their time. They couldn’t promise him when it would get better, they could tell him it would but that it would take time. Maybe a long time. But they’d be there with him throughout, they would never leave his side. He was safe. And he knew that. He was scared of his nightmares, of his memories but never of them.</p>
<p>So no he never made them play in their room. Never made them feel like the entire house wasn’t their domain to do as they pleased. Within reason. Climbing on the counters was forbidden for obvious reasons. But they could have their toys wherever they wanted. They always tidied them away when asked. And so what if sometimes the living room became a medieval village or some kind of railway interchange? It was fun. That was what was important.</p>
<p>The reason they were extra tired now was because after school Jamilah had had football practice. Matteo had taken Matty along to the school, they’d grabbed Jake and they’d watched her play for an hour before heading over to Amira’s for dinner. </p>
<p>The kids had had fun with Samir, playing with his new junior science kit that Amira insisted wasn’t trying to push him in any direction. From what he could hear from the kitchen, it sounded a lot like they’d been playing schools, with Jamilah as the teacher of course.</p>
<p>But the extra-long day just seemed to wear them out, to be honest, Matteo got it. Felt just as tired. Jake had fallen asleep in the car, wouldn’t even wake up to go inside. Matteo had had to carry both him and Matty, also fast asleep, to the house. Jamilah sleepily getting the door for them.</p>
<p>She couldn’t even wait up for David to read her a bedtime story like she usually did. It wasn’t even that late but she’d fallen asleep when Matteo had gotten a book from the shelf.</p>
<p>So both of them were tucked up in their beds, Matty fast asleep in his cot. </p>
<p>Matteo hoped they would all sleep through the night. He didn’t mind them coming in in the night, it never annoyed him. But it meant they weren’t sleeping. It meant nightmares for Jake. </p>
<p>But then it had been a pretty long few weeks. Emotional and draining. Lately, the kids seemed more relaxed, less wound up since they’d aired their worries to David but it had clearly taken it out of them. They’d all just been missing him so much.</p>
<p>Matteo was worn out too, it was only Wednesday and he already couldn't wait for the weekend. Mostly because it meant one full week closer to David coming home. Just over three weeks to go. Less than four now. He didn’t know how much longer he could go on like this. </p>
<p>But the weekend meant he would have two days with the kids at home and awake, all to himself. Rather than in bed before eight and him left all alone in the living room. </p>
<p>He would probably be cursing himself on Saturday when he had to take them into town and they’d be dragging him everywhere, in and out of every shop. But right now he couldn't wait.</p>
<p>On the suggestion of his teacher, he was taking Jake to get his eyes tested. Matteo had noticed too, the slight squint when he was trying to read. That was going to be fun. If Jake did need glasses and Jamilah didn't there was going to be tears. All of them were getting checked just to be fair according to Jamilah. Even though Matteo was pretty certain her vision was spot on. And Matty had been tested when he was six months and the optician had said he didn’t need to come back until he started school. If Jake had to have an eye test they all had to. Like it was some fun day out.</p>
<p>Thankfully Jonas and Hanna would be coming over in the evening so that would be fun. They’d be bringing Noah with them to distract the kids and give them a bit of a night off. They could share a bottle of wine, eat pizza, and catch up like they hadn’t been over practically every weekend. It was a pretty regular thing for all of them, spending every few Saturdays together, letting their kids hang out. Just like weekday evenings at Amira and Mohammad’s had become.</p>
<p>But the weekend was still two days away. Right now he was collapsed on the sofa, too lazy to move up to bed. It wasn't the first time he'd fallen asleep down here and woken up to Jake prodding him. Or sticking lego up his nose. </p>
<p>He was just waiting for David to call and then he would go to bed. </p>
<p>He would drag himself upstairs. </p>
<p>He wouldn’t sleep down here again.</p>
<p>He’d just closed his eyes for a second when his phone rang, startling him out of his daydreams. To his surprise it wasn't David, it was his former colleague Sandra. </p>
<p>Matteo just frowned at the screen, confused. Sure they were sort of friends, more like close colleagues. They’d texted and chatted a lot while he’d still been working but that had kind of fallen aside the longer he was off. He didn’t really understand why she was ringing. </p>
<p>He was always going to go back eventually, so he should have probably made a bit more effort to stay in touch but he wanted to focus on the kids for now. Social stuff was hard enough, throw in family commitments and that stuff tended to get left behind a bit.</p>
<p>"Hey?" he answered hesitantly.</p>
<p>“Hey, Matteo! How's it going? How are the kids? How is family life treating you?” she demanded.</p>
<p>So Sandra was still as bubbly as ever. People at work were always surprised they got on, with Sandra being so chatty as she was and Matteo seemingly as reserved as he certainly came across. But Matteo didn’t mind chatty, as long as he wasn’t expected to keep to the same level. In fact, his favourite people were often the ones who did most of the talking and just left him a little space to chip in here and there. Sandra got that, seemed to be able to tell when he couldn’t handle talking at all, when work was too heavy and getting him down she always gave him space. </p>
<p>She was a good friend, he should have called her before now. He felt a bit guilty but shook it off. Sandra wasn’t one to hold grudges. “What do you want?” he groaned instead, she didn’t need to know he’d missed her, she’d never let him live it down. </p>
<p>Also, Sandra definitely didn't want to know all that stuff. It wasn't her style at all. She was a fantastic social worker, absolutely great with kids. Adults and small talk not so much. She was chatty yes but about the big stuff, always listing things he should read, articles and statistics he should know about. </p>
<p>He knew all the ins and outs of her troubled childhood from the start and in turn, had felt comfortable sharing his own with her. That was the kind of thing they talked about.</p>
<p>"I'm genuinely interested in your life Matteo,” she said, but she was definitely lying. Or… not lying but she definitely wanted something. It was a ruse.</p>
<p>“Really?” he asked. </p>
<p>“Not really. But seriously how are you?” she asked. </p>
<p>He believed her then, she definitely cared about him. She may want something from him but she was interested in how he was too. “David’s in LA,” he told her.</p>
<p>“Ah so not good at all?” she asked.</p>
<p>Because that was one of the few things he would always talk about at length, David and the kids. Even that was after he’d learnt Sandra’s own home life in great detail, her wife Claire and their two cats. He definitely knew far too much about Milo and Tofu but it was only fair if he was going to talk about the kids nonstop. </p>
<p>As they got to know each other the one thing she learnt about him, the one thing that could get him to talk even when he wasn’t in the mood was to ask how David or the kids were. </p>
<p>“I’m really struggling Sandra,” he admitted. </p>
<p>“Kids ok?” she asked </p>
<p>“Keeping me going, but they miss him too,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“It’s only natural, you two are so extra but… ok I do want something,” she admitted, knowing he wouldn’t want to dwell on that.</p>
<p>Matteo just laughed. “I know,” he said.</p>
<p>“Ok just hear me out,” she insisted. </p>
<p>“I'm listening aren't I?” Did she think he was going to hang up on her? He wouldn’t do that. If she was ringing because she wanted something then it wouldn’t be a trivial favour. It was something important and he would hear her out.</p>
<p>“Ok, thanks, Matteo. So I have this kid Alex, well not a kid really she's seventeen-”</p>
<p>“Still a kid,” he argued.</p>
<p>“Yeah, you’re right even I forget sometimes. She seems a lot older than she is but she really isn’t. She just got transferred to me last week and she's been really hard to place,” Sandra explained.</p>
<p>Matteo had no idea how he could help, he didn’t even know what places they still had. Hadn’t worked in over a year and so much could change in that time. “Oh god, really Sandra?” He couldn’t believe she was calling him for work stuff. “I haven't worked for a while,” he reminded her.</p>
<p>He had no idea where he got this reputation as this super social worker from. He just did his job, tried his best. That was all. But yet everyone came to him. When he’d left after Matty was born he was still getting about ten calls a day from his colleagues. He didn’t mind and it had slowly petered out over the months he’d been away. </p>
<p>“No it’s not like that, look just listen to me, she's had a hard time and it’s left her a little… difficult-”</p>
<p>“Come on don't talk like that Sandra,” Matteo warned. He hated that. He was difficult when he was seventeen. He could just imagine what any caseworker would have called him if they’d gotten the chance.</p>
<p>“Shit see this is why I'm calling, why I need you back, you’ve left me with Carl,” she muttered.</p>
<p>Carl was the oldest one there or the one that had been working there the longest at least. He couldn’t actually tell how old he was and the man kept to himself. Matteo had hated him at first. Yes, he was efficient. Yes, he always gave his cases his all and made sure he got the right places for the kids. But he was detached, used terms like difficult and troubled about the kids. </p>
<p>But then he’d also fought their corner with Jamilah, and then with Jake. Argued their case, raged against the judges by Matteo’s side. </p>
<p>Carl cared, truly cared, but he’d been in the job a lot longer than either of them and it left him cynical. He’d seen too much to let himself get attached. He did everything he could to get them placed, keep them safe but kept the kids at arm's length. Because that was how he dealt with it. It made it easier when it went wrong Matteo supposed. Not like him. He fell apart every time.</p>
<p>“Tell me about Alex,” Matteo said, not wanting to get into that.</p>
<p>“Ok she wants to move to supported living but there is nothing suitable right now and she's tough but really I don't think she's ready for it yet. And she’s definitely not ready to go it alone,” Sandra began.</p>
<p>Matteo nodded to himself. That made sense, some over sixteens were ready to move out of family homes and into supported living, others weren’t. And some wanted to because family homes had never suited them. It didn’t mean they were ready for it.</p>
<p>“How long’s she been in the system?” Matteo asked. </p>
<p>“Since she was six, she was raised by a single mum, no extended family. Died suddenly, she got sick but she had no one else. Since then she's had some pretty bad placements, like really bad Matteo,” she muttered, “seriously how does this still happen?”</p>
<p>“Don't get me started Sandra, it's late,” Matteo said, running his hand over his face, remembering how Jamilah and Jake had come to them.</p>
<p>He really didn’t want to think about that now. Not when David wasn’t here to comfort him.</p>
<p>Most of the people he worked with, all the ones that he placed kids with were good, kind people. In it for the passion of caring for kids. Some weren’t good or just in it for the wrong reasons or not cut out for it. And then there were the bad ones, the ones who somehow, inexplicably got through the safety checks. The ones who had left Jamilah so angry. It was pretty rare but even one bad placement was too much.</p>
<p>“I know we just gotta keep fighting it. But yeah basically she is three months off eighteen and she is gonna age out of the system and disappear. I just know it she’s gonna be off, she’s had enough of this shit. She told me she’s had enough bad luck with this system it’s time to go make her own. She doesn’t trust anyone so she’s forced to take care of herself. But I can tell she is so scared Matteo, I hate to say damaged but damn. She is so smart, so bright but if we lose her… I just want her to have the same chance as any other kid, I can’t let her go,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>And he got that he absolutely did. Knew if it was his case he would be working all the hours in the day just to get her a placement. Even if he knew deep down, there was no placement for a girl like this. Someone who would take months, years to trust someone again. Time she just didn’t have.</p>
<p>“But how can I help?” he asked.</p>
<p>“I just need someone who’s gonna be patient, who won’t be put out or get annoyed when she’s rude, when she argues back. When she’s mean and defensive. Someone who just gets it, and will wait, someone who she’ll learn to trust,” Sandra explained.</p>
<p>And that was exactly the problem here. They didn’t have that time. He felt helpless and this wasn’t even his case. He was never able to detach himself.</p>
<p>“I really don’t see how I can help Sandra, I left remember?”</p>
<p>Matteo was so confused, he didn't even know who was on the books anymore. And sadly from what he did remember there was maybe only one or two people suitable to handle that kind of case. And they were probably already at capacity. Three months from eighteen she was probably only going to get supported living as opposed to a family placement. He trusted Sandra when she judged that she needed the family placement. A lot of seventeen-year-olds weren’t ready to go it alone yet, no matter what support they got. But sadly that’s just how it went. They could still support her as best they could. Try to keep her in their sights as she aged out.</p>
<p>“Matteo you’re still on the books from Jamilah and Jake. You never got taken off, you never come up because you’re low down on the eligibility criteria, but I checked today,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>He realised what she was implying. But he was only on there because of an oversight. They hadn’t been assessed in years. “Come on Sandra,” he scoffed.</p>
<p>“This is her last chance I know you're the right guy for this, you and David are the only guys I can think of. I've seen both of you with the kids. You have a patience I've never seen with anyone and David is just so strong but his manner so gentle, I know she’ll trust him quickly. Matteo you were always so good with the teenagers, like seriously they always liked you, even the moodiest most distrusting ones,” she insisted, “you just have this face.”</p>
<p>She was right though, even the angriest, most lost kids trusted him. If you just gave them a little more time, a little bit more patience, all they wanted was help. Matteo knew what that was like, would never let himself forget that. Would do everything he could so no kid was left as lost as he was at seventeen.</p>
<p>“Ok,” he whispered. </p>
<p>To be honest, the moment she’d said this girl was going to disappear he’d wished he could step in. </p>
<p>“Ok? Don't you need to call David?” she asked.</p>
<p>Matteo chuckled, yeah he probably should. That was a hell of a decision to make without his husband. But he knew David, was sure he would feel the same.</p>
<p>“Yeah, probably but I really want to give her a chance, let me talk to David but… what do we need to do?” he asked.</p>
<p>“It’s pretty urgent, if David agrees, I was thinking next Monday. That gives you nearly a week. She’s at Natasha and Klaus’ right now. Remember them? But they are at capacity she can’t stay,” Sandra explained.</p>
<p>Natasha and Klaus were who Matteo had thought of initially, had placed several kids there over the years. They were kind and patient and everything Alex probably needed, but they were almost always at capacity and Alex didn’t have the time. They were more suited to temporary cases and yes she was about to age out but that didn’t mean she didn’t need permanence.</p>
<p>“Monday? You want to place her straight away?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, we’ll come over, look around. I think we’ve gotta let her decide at this point. She won’t be enthusiastic but she just wants a home Matteo, she just wants somewhere safe. She will never tell you that. But she’s out of school right now and she wants to get back, I want this done as soon as possible. I’ll do the assessment on the day and then again a week after,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>“Don’t you need to come inspect beforehand? The place is a bit of a mess,” he admitted, looking around.</p>
<p>It was tidy but only just, it was becoming apparent he was letting things slide a little. He hadn't made the kids put away their toys in days. It was clean at least, not dirty just messy.</p>
<p>“I knew it was David that kept you in check!” Sandra said, laughing.</p>
<p>“No… it’s just…”</p>
<p>“You really miss him huh?”</p>
<p>“God every day,” he whispered. </p>
<p>“I’ll do an inspection on the day, I trust you, Matteo,” she said warmly.</p>
<p>But he shook his head trying not to get frustrated because that wasn’t ok. He had a tight grip on his phone. He wouldn’t allow that. “Don’t do that, you shouldn’t be her caseworker if you’re going to let the fact we’re friends cloud your judgement.”</p>
<p>To his surprise, she just laughed.</p>
<p>“Damn Matteo, look I trust you. You’re a registered foster carer and on top of that, you’ve had three successful adoptions. But regardless, the fact that you even said that means I can trust you, that it’s going to be fine. I will do a full inspection but she’s seventeen, she’s already set for supported living-”</p>
<p>“Doesn’t matter she needs a safe home,” Matteo insisted.</p>
<p>Were they even checking for her? Is this why she’d ended up in bad placements? Because they all thought hey she’s almost too old for the system chuck her anywhere? He didn’t know why he was being difficult but he didn’t want any special treatment. This was a child’s life they were handling, just because she was seventeen and had very few options didn’t mean she didn’t deserve the same safety as anyone else.</p>
<p>“And you will provide one, look I will grill you on Monday ok? I will inspect the place and point out every little mess or hazard. I won’t go easy on you but it will be fine and then you’re gonna have a sarcastic teen to keep you company till David gets back,” Sandra said, “seriously though she’s quiet at first but she’s absolutely great, really smart.”</p>
<p>That was sure going to be something. A sassy nine-year-old was bad enough. God the two of them together, if they teamed up against him they really would rule the house. Him and David wouldn’t get a look in.</p>
<p>“God, what was I thinking?” Matteo joked. </p>
<p>“It'll be fun! Make you feel young again,” Sandra teased. </p>
<p>“Make me feel even older more like,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Do you remember what it was like to be seventeen?”</p>
<p>“No,” he groaned. That was a complete lie. He remembered in great detail how bad things had been when he was seventeen.</p>
<p>“Well it has been fifty years,” she said.</p>
<p>She was five years his junior and she never let him forget it.</p>
<p>“I'm thirty-six you evil woman and... wow she would have been a baby then,” Matteo realised.</p>
<p>Seventeen years ago he was just nineteen, having kids was the last thing on his mind. But now he was older and the kids were always the first thing on his mind. He could take care of a seventeen-year-old, it would be hard, different but he felt capable now. He wanted to do this. He could do this.</p>
<p>“Yeah, time flies huh?”</p>
<p>“It was hell,” he admitted, “seventeen was hell, sixteen too and most of eighteen. I was an absolute mess mentally but I got through I had support and once I realised it and let people help me.”</p>
<p>“That’s why you do this, why you said yes? And it’s why I want you for this, David too,” she insisted.</p>
<p>She was right they could do this. They would care for this girl and do their best to give her a good start in life. He couldn't wait to meet her. The idea that she could be lost if they let her go horrified him and he would do everything he could to stop that happening. To help her learn to trust again and realise she deserved a chance. “Yeah,” he said quietly.</p>
<p>“Brilliant! Ok I'll bring her over on Monday, that gives you a few days to tidy up but I believe you’ve got a phone call to make,” she teased.</p>
<p>“Yep,” Matteo agreed. </p>
<p>He’d just made a pretty huge decision without David and now he had to break that news to him. That when he did finally get back there would be a new member of the family. He started to get nervous. What if David didn’t want that? Maybe they should’ve waited until David got home but there wasn’t time.</p>
<p>“He'll say yes, he does whatever you want,” Sandra said. </p>
<p>“No, he doesn't,” Matteo argued.</p>
<p>He didn’t, they discussed everything fairly and made all their decisions together. Matteo didn’t think he’d ever done anything like this. Not since he’d brought Jamilah home but that was only supposed to be temporary then.</p>
<p>“Yeah, he does. Isn't that how you have the three kids now? You just gave him those puppy dog eyes and a please David can we keep them? And that was it, how can anyone resist you?” she said.</p>
<p>Why did everyone say that about him?</p>
<p>“Ok no that is not what happened, I didn't have to, just brought them home and he wouldn't let me send them back even if I wanted to,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>He remembered the day David came home to their tiny apartment after three days away in Leipzig for a shoot. He found Matteo and Jamilah on the sofa watching cartoons and he just stood there staring. But he knew why she was there, immediately he figured out exactly what was happening. That Jamilah was staying for good and that she wasn’t going anywhere, Matteo had barely had to explain. He’d heard it all on the phone earlier that day. This difficult case that had been handed to him, this terrified child that wouldn’t leave his side, who trusted him for reasons Matteo still didn’t understand.</p>
<p>He knew who she was the moment he walked into the flat. He knew they couldn’t send her away. That it wasn’t nearly that simple but she wasn’t going anywhere.</p>
<p>“Now he's coming home to a seventeen-year-old. At least he's cool I guess,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>“Hey!”</p>
<p>“Ok I'm gonna go, I'll sort this with work and bring her over Monday. I can’t wait to see you,” she said, he could hear her clicking away at something on her computer. </p>
<p>She was working late. She really cared, went above and beyond to help these kids. He was always the same. He’d literally brought the work home with him. Not that the kids were work, even when he was fostering them it never felt that way. But his struggle to switch off at the end of the day was one of the reasons he hadn’t gone back yet. Because he had a family at home who needed him just as much and he couldn’t balance that with work yet.</p>
<p>“Cool maybe try switching off soon though, it’s late,” Matteo said gently.</p>
<p>“Nah it’s not it’s- shit is that the time?” </p>
<p>Matteo heard clattering in the background and wondered where exactly she was.</p>
<p>“Claire’s gonna kill me,” she muttered, “ok damn, I’m gonna sort this tomorrow ok? It’ll still be Monday.”</p>
<p>“Bye Sandra,” Matteo said, laughing at her scattiness.</p>
<p>“Bye Matteo,” she said, still muttering to herself about the lateness of the hour.</p>
<p>Smiling he hung up and called David, bracing himself to get him on board with the not insignificant decision he’d just made for the pair of them. </p>
<p>“Hey, I was just about to call you.” He sounded distracted, like he was in the middle of something. </p>
<p>“Hey,” Matteo said quietly, nerves building.</p>
<p>There was no need to be nervous, David wouldn’t be mad but if he said no, if he disagreed then what would they do? What would happen to Alex?</p>
<p>“Yeah, seriously I just got a break, long day. I’ve been working flat out. I started at four again. I’m so tired and it’s only lunchtime. But it’s all going well I promise. So are they ready for storytime?” David asked. </p>
<p>Matteo had gotten up fro the sofa and started pacing. He wasn’t really listening to David although he was alarmed at how long he’d been working. “No, they’re asleep.” </p>
<p>“Oh,” David whispered, he sounded devastated but Matteo didn’t have time to comfort him.</p>
<p>The nerves were taking over now. He didn’t even know if he could do it. Tell him. Maybe he could just do what he did with Jamilah, let David find out when he got home. Obviously, that would never work. For a start, Jamilah would tattle on him immediately.</p>
<p>He’d just made a huge decision without consulting David at all. Shit, he hadn’t even checked with the kids. What had he done?</p>
<p>Maybe he should just hang up and call Sandra back and say he’d made a mistake. Yeah, she wasn’t sorting it until the morning, there was still time. But he really didn’t want to.</p>
<p>“Matteo?”</p>
<p>He hadn’t spoken for a few minutes. He’d stopped pacing too, was just standing there, frozen in the middle of the living room.</p>
<p>“I did something,” Matteo said, his voice so quiet David probably wouldn’t be able to hear him.</p>
<p>But he always heard him. </p>
<p>“Something? David asked, his voice teasing, “I think I better sit down for this,” he joked.</p>
<p>Would he still be joking and laughing when he found out? Matteo felt really nervous now. What had he been thinking?</p>
<p>“Shit,” he muttered, going back over to the couch and throwing himself onto it.</p>
<p>“Hey, whatever it is I’m sure it’s fine,” David insisted gently.</p>
<p>Why did he have to leave? Why couldn’t he be there to stop him making ridiculous decisions? Putting both of them in way over their heads.</p>
<p>“No, I’ve done something... god… I didn’t even ask you fuck.” He was about ten seconds away from hanging up the phone.</p>
<p>“Matteo?” David said, his tone calm and slow. Reassuring and never patronising no matter how much he was overreacting.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Matteo whispered.</p>
<p>“Talk to me,” he said.</p>
<p>Matteo took a deep breath. “So Sandra called,” he began.</p>
<p>David whistled and Matteo immediately began to panic. It sounded like David was laughing but he couldn’t tell. </p>
<p>“Oh god, Matteo what-”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry- I’m sorry- I’ll call her back-”</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare. Matteo? Hey, what’s the panic?” All traces of amusement were gone from his voice he was just concerned now.</p>
<p>“I just made a huge decision without you,” Matteo said, he curled up on the sofa, hugging a cushion to his chest, trying to calm himself down.</p>
<p>“Trust your instincts babe, I trust you to make a decision. Please don’t panic. So how many are we taking in? Temporary or permanent?” David asked. He sounded so hopeful, he wanted the latter.</p>
<p>Matteo felt himself relax at that, of course, he could make the decisions. And they could handle this. David trusted him. And he knew David, knew he would want this too. Of course, he would. He’d just been away for too long, Matteo missed him and that made him start to doubt himself. The panic was fading as quickly as it had come on.</p>
<p>“It’s just one,” he said.</p>
<p>David chuckled down the line. He wasn’t mad at all. He was never going to be.</p>
<p>“So are you already bored with three? Is Matty getting too old for you? You think we can really handle four kids?” David demanded, but it was in good humour. He was back to teasing him now. His answer was already yes. </p>
<p>“Her name is Alex, she's seventeen,” Matteo told him, sighing and rolling onto his back, settling down.</p>
<p>That stopped David’s laughter. “Oh?” He was clearly intrigued now. That wasn’t what he’d expected. This was different, not impossible, just different.</p>
<p>“Yeah, she’s been in the system since she was six. It sounds like she’s had a few rough placements, she’s currently with Natasha and Klaus but they’re at capacity, as always. But she’s eighteen in three months and then that’s it really. Support goes down to such a bare minimum, and she can just disappear and she will David. If she gets placed with us we can support her until she's actually ready. Who the hell is ready for the world when they turn eighteen? She won’t even be done with school, we can help her and-”</p>
<p>“Ok-”</p>
<p>“And like everyone deserves a fucking chance? David, we have to don’t we?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Yes-”</p>
<p>“And I was just thinking of us at that age, remember when we met? How fucking hard and impossible everything seemed? But we had each other. We had Laura and Hans and mama, she doesn't have anyone and she doesn’t trust anyone and just going into life like that? Come on, we can help,” Matteo insisted, finally stopping to hear David’s response.</p>
<p>“I said ok Matteo,” David said gently.</p>
<p>Matteo had known he would, known he would agree with him. But he still wasn’t feeling sure. “It’s just that Sandra said you just agree with whatever I ask.”</p>
<p>“Love, Sandra is teasing you,” David said, “But she’s right, I do. I’ll always give you what you want, just to make you smile. But that's not what this is, I want this too. There's no way I'm going to say no and let this girl disappear,” he insisted. </p>
<p>He got it. He saw it exactly the same way as Matteo did.</p>
<p>“I love you,” Matteo whispered </p>
<p>“I love you too babe, you made the right decision,” David assured him, “so what are you doing about the house?” </p>
<p>There was so much to do before Monday, there went his peaceful weekend. But it would be better to be busy. It would be fun getting a room ready for Alex. Not that he had any idea where to start. Or what a seventeen-year-old girl would want in her room. He’d figure something out.</p>
<p>“I guess for now she can have Jake's room,” Matteo suggested. “The twins are young enough to share for a while right?”</p>
<p>“He's never in there anyway,” David agreed, “but Jake is very young even for six, I don’t think it’s a problem that they share.”</p>
<p>It was true Jake spent more of his nights in either their’s or Jamilah’s rooms so hopefully, he wouldn’t mind too much. </p>
<p>“No and Jammy is only nine, she doesn’t mind but when she wants privacy that's fine Jakey and Mimmo can share instead?” </p>
<p>David laughed.</p>
<p>“Are you ever gonna call him Matty?” he asked, clearly amused.  </p>
<p>Matteo huffed half the reason he kept this whole thing up was because David would give him this soft fond smile whenever he complained about it. Like right now. Even though he couldn’t see that smile the old inside joke over Matty’s name felt familiar enough to chase away the last of his earlier panic. Eased a little of the pain of missing David.</p>
<p>“No David that’s my name, it’s too close,” he said, not rising to David’s teasing. They’d been through this so many times now.</p>
<p>“It isn’t though, I have never called you Matty,” David said, just like always, “and Mattias is a very different name to Matteo.”</p>
<p>“It’s my name and you know it.” He knew the exact face David was currently pulling, acting as if he were innocent in all of this. </p>
<p>Matteo still couldn’t believe he’d allowed his husband to name their child based off a joke. Well not a joke but certainly a way of teasing him. Even now after years of being together, David was constantly teasing him. No matter how much he complained Matteo never wanted him to stop. He loved it and David knew it.</p>
<p>Matty was short for Mattias and had been chosen by David in the hospital on the day he was born. </p>
<p>David had been sitting in the chair, next to Louisa who was half asleep in the bed, making sure she was ok and suggesting names while Matteo ignored him. He had been completely distracted by the tiny newborn in his arms. </p>
<p>So he’d just gone, ‘How about Mattias?’ with that stupid smug grin of his. But Louisa, probably high on pain medication, had said she liked it. She’d said it was a nice name just like Matteo and it was a good fit. Matteo had just scowled at David but they couldn’t really back out of it. And then his mama had come in with the twins and that was it. Louisa told her and his mama was delighted, she’d started crying there and then. Taken Matty from his arms and cuddled him close. His name was chosen. Just like that. </p>
<p>A couple of days later Jamilah called him little Matty and it had stuck. </p>
<p>Matteo in retaliation had refused to give in, had called him his bambino, which eventually got shortened to Mimmo like his nonna used to call him. So he was Matty to everyone else and Mimmo to him. </p>
<p>“So he’s just gonna be Mimmo to you? It’s cute but you are so stubborn,” David said.</p>
<p>Matteo knew exactly what expression he was wearing, that slight smirk that meant he’d won at naming their child. Because he would probably have to give in and call him Matty eventually.</p>
<p>“It means baby and he's my baby,” Matteo argued, “but I will if it embarrasses him.”</p>
<p>“You mean when? He's practically a toddler now you know?” David reminded him.</p>
<p>“God I know, I hate it, why can’t they stay babies forever?” Matteo complained.</p>
<p>“Your little baby. He’ll always be the baby don’t worry, also I have a question,” David said.</p>
<p>“Shoot,” Matteo said, and he just knew whatever he was going to ask it was going to be to annoy him.</p>
<p>“You say your nonna calls you Mimmo?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Oh you know what David don’t you fucking dare,” Matteo muttered.</p>
<p>“Just saying you don’t want to call him Matty because it’s your name and yet…”</p>
<p>“Yes David I’m very aware I’m being stupid,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Hey now, that’s not what I was saying at all, for starters, it’s not stupid at all. It’s adorable, I hope he lets you call him Mimmo forever,” he insisted.</p>
<p>“Me too. He is adorable, my adorable little Mimmo,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“He is. But back to the matter at hand, we’ll put Jake in with Jamilah?” David said, bringing them back on track.</p>
<p>“That’s the best idea right?” Matteo checked.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I think so. You’ll have to talk to them but it won’t take much convincing,” he said.</p>
<p>That was true, there wasn’t going be any arguments against it. They’d love to share a room. Thinking on it, Jamilah had asked when Jake had first moved in if they could share. But they’d had the room so they’d made him his own.</p>
<p>“It’s not weird is it?” He’d never had siblings so he was unsure. “How long do you think she’ll put up with him?” He asked.</p>
<p>“It’s not weird, they’re very close, she’s so protective and Jake is… I hate to say needy but he is. A year maybe? Two? To be honest I have no idea. They’re super close. We’ll keep an eye on it, she’s clingy too so she might put up with it longer. Hell sometimes on really bad nights Laura would still let me in her room, like she must’ve been seventeen, eighteen even. Up until she moved out. But we’ve got the space, we can shuffle them about depending who wants privacy when,” David said, “or we could always-”</p>
<p>“We’re not moving, it’s my house, David,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>He didn’t want to move. He would if it was necessary but he didn’t want to. </p>
<p>This was his home. Nothing fancy, just a comfortable, spacious house out in the suburbs. It had been run down and a bit of a tip when they’d bought it. Even though with David bringing in the money they could get something better, newer. </p>
<p>But they’d been in the area checking out the school for Jamilah and they’d just gone walking around after because she’d been on edge. And he’d seen it and stopped dead. Because he’d seen it and he’d just had this vision of them in there, the three of them back then, settled and happy. A beautiful bedroom for Jamilah, a swing set in the garden. A family home with room for more.</p>
<p>“I wasn’t going to dare suggest it,” David said, “but we could convert the attic, properly I mean, put windows in?” he suggested. “And we need to sort out the basement eventually. In a pinch, I would give up my office.”</p>
<p>“The attic is a good idea. But yeah you’re right we’ve got options, even with just room switching Mimmo and Jake can share for a good few years yet, and then by the time Jake’s a teenager Alex will be like twenty-five and probably about ready to move,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Wow, you really think she's gonna want to stay with us until she's twenty-five?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah if we do it right? Isn't that the normal age kids move out? When their families are stable and stuff? I mean she still has to decide to actually stay with us I guess but-”</p>
<p>“You think all the kids are staying till twenty-five?”</p>
<p>“I mean I'd rather they stay forever but they will eventually want a bit of independence,” Matteo joked, “no I know no one’s staying until twenty-five but like what I mean is they'll keep coming back, you know like uni holidays when they’re between jobs all that stuff. I mean when it stops becoming their home because they settle down, find their own place in the world. They don’t need to do that as early as we did, you know?”</p>
<p>“You wished you had that huh?” David asked gently.</p>
<p>“I just wish I had the chance, the option. I wouldn't change anything but just knowing that there was a safety net there, somewhere to come back to just in case, I could’ve done with that,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>Because even though things had been good with his mama for a long time, the way things had gone down in that house meant that when he’d left he’d gone knowing that place was no longer his home and never would be again. And yes things had turned out perfectly, he’d found a family, made a new home. But the cost of that had been several long months of feeling completely lost, drifting through life, no home, no family, completely alone. It was the worst feeling he’d ever experienced and not one of his kids was ever going to go through that. </p>
<p>“They'll never want to leave, any of them,” David promised. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next day after school Matteo sat the kids down in the living room. Matty between the two of them, oblivious to what was going on, just smiling up at them, waving.</p>
<p>Matteo was nervous again, which in turn made the twins nervous. He didn’t think he needed to be, he wanted to help this girl but if they didn’t want that, if it would be too disruptive to them it would put him in a difficult position. But he would have to put them first. He didn’t think they’d say no, not out of meanness. But maybe out of fear. Change was always difficult.</p>
<p>“So I need to tell you something, or ask you something,” he began.</p>
<p>Both of them immediately looked ready to cry, Matteo knelt down in front of them, trying to seem as calm as possible to reassure them.</p>
<p>“Hey now don’t worry what’s wrong?”</p>
<p>“Is daddy not coming home?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>Of course, they’d come to that conclusion. That would be the worst news he could break to them. He’d been so distracted he hadn’t even thought of that. They had no idea what was going on so naturally, they thought it was bad. They’d just have to do lots more good surprises so that they never expected bad stuff.</p>
<p>“No, it’s not that I swear. Daddy’s on track we chatted last night, he’ll be home when he said,” Matteo insisted, “three weeks I promise,” he said, glancing at the huge calendar hanging on the wall beside them.</p>
<p>“Then what’s going on?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>Matteo sat down on the sofa and pulled all of them closer, Matty and Jake on his lap, Jamilah under his arm. All of them snuggled close.</p>
<p>“Ok, so do you remember when papa used to work with Sandra?” Matteo asked them. </p>
<p>“Yes, you helped sad children and made them smile,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>She had been so sad back then.</p>
<p>“Did I make you smile?” he asked gently, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.</p>
<p>“Yes,” she whispered.</p>
<p>“Do you remember that Jake?” Matteo asked, “did I help you and make you smile?”</p>
<p>He shook his head frowning slightly, then nodded. It had only been a year since he’d worked but Jake had gotten very much used to having Matteo at home. Barely remembered him working.</p>
<p>He’d been four when they’d taken him in so his memories were a bit foggy on that. The problem with that being that it meant that he had memories he didn’t quite understand. </p>
<p>“I was scared?” </p>
<p>“You were very scared,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>He was still scared now, at night, of the dark and of small spaces. They had their bad nights but they weren’t as frequent, only happening more at the moment because David was away. But he was a lot better now, definitely calmer. He worried a lot but he was happy. Matteo hoped one day that worry would fade away. But if it didn’t they’d manage it.</p>
<p>“Are you still scared?” </p>
<p>“Not with you or daddy, you keep me safe,” Jake said.</p>
<p>Matteo held him close.</p>
<p>“I was scared too,” Jamilah told her brother reassuringly, “but now I’m the bravest girl in the world!” she yelled, waving her arms and jumping down. </p>
<p>“She is,” Jake agreed, “she picks up spiders,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Yeah, so no one will mess with me! Or Jake! I’ll protect you Jake you don’t need to be brave. You have me!” she yelled, pulling Jake down from Matteo’s lap.</p>
<p>She chased him around the making spider gestures causing him to scream and giggle as she tackled him the floor.</p>
<p>Matty squealed in delight where he sat on Matteo’s lap, so he stood up and carried him over adding him to the pile. They knew to be gentle with him, Jamilah rolling off Jake and sitting up. She pulled Matty into her lap and gently ran her spider fingers over his face.</p>
<p>Matteo laid down on the floor next to Jake.</p>
<p>“So Sandra called me,” Matteo told them.</p>
<p>“Are you going back to work?” Jamilah asked. </p>
<p>“No. Not yet, not until you're all super old,” Matteo assured them. </p>
<p>“I'm old now,” Jamilah insisted. </p>
<p>Matteo just prodded her tummy making her giggle.</p>
<p>“Sandra has a sad and angry girl who has nowhere to go,” Matteo told them. </p>
<p>“She can stay here,” Jake decided, “this is the best place for sad children,” he said.</p>
<p>Matteo smiled at him and pulled him close. He was such a sensitive gentle soul, so generous. He would welcome anyone into their home. </p>
<p>Matty gurgled his agreement. </p>
<p>“She is seventeen,” Matteo told them.</p>
<p>That got both of their attention, they glanced at each other warily.</p>
<p>“Oh but that's old,” Jake said. </p>
<p>“Can you still get sad at seventeen?” Jamilah asked. </p>
<p>“Papa still gets sad at thirty-six sometimes,” Matteo reminded them.</p>
<p>They both nodded seriously at that, they knew the deal by now. Matteo had been open with them about his mental health. Normalised the fact that grown-ups got sad too, and that it was ok to get scared or cry no matter how old you were.</p>
<p>Matteo pulled them both closer.</p>
<p>“I’m a bit scared,” Jake admitted.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“Yes. Seventeen is quite old, what if she doesn’t like us?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>Jake nodded, obviously on the same page, the same worries. The idea of someone new coming in was not a problem itself but if she didn't like them it would make things very difficult and the home would very quickly become unhappy. But Matteo didn’t think that was anything they had to worry about.</p>
<p>“She will love you, both of you, I promise. Everybody does. But at first, she might not, she might be shy. Actually, I think probably she’ll be a bit intimidated, like scared of you-</p>
<p>“What?” Jamilah demanded.</p>
<p>Jake giggled at her outrage.</p>
<p>“She’s going to feel like an outsider, she’s going to be nervous and afraid and we all know each other already. Sometimes being new somewhere can make you a bit… grumpy you know?”</p>
<p>Jamilah nodded.</p>
<p>“Ok,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“So we’ll be super nice to her but we’ll try not to be upset if it seems like she doesn’t like us ok? I really don’t think she’s going to be mean but if she is you tell me ok?”</p>
<p>Matteo was almost a hundred percent on that, knew it was a common misconception. That these kids were troubled, they were bullies. No, they were just children who’d had it rough and needed somewhere safe to stay where they wouldn’t be judged. Where people wouldn't jump to conclusions about them.</p>
<p>They both nodded.</p>
<p>“Where will she sleep?” Jamilah asked, both hope and worry in her voice.</p>
<p>“Well, that's the thing she needs a bedroom-”</p>
<p>“She can have mine!” Jake said, immediately standing up and looking around.</p>
<p>Matteo could tell he was figuring it out, deciding things. So quick to give up the bedroom that he’d never really wanted.</p>
<p>“Yeah Jakey can sleep in my room, he always does,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Can I? Please, I’ll be really good,” he promised so hopefully.</p>
<p>They perhaps should have done this sooner, let them share. Alex coming was definitely a good thing for highlighting that. They'd just wanted Jake to have his own lovely room but he obviously just wasn’t ready for that.</p>
<p>“If Jammy doesn’t mind?” Matteo checked.</p>
<p>“Please Jammy, please,” Jake said, running over to her.</p>
<p>She just hugged him tightly.</p>
<p>“Yes, please! We’ll be really good,” she promised breathlessly.</p>
<p>He hadn’t doubted that till the moment she said it. Why point it out if you were going to behave? Why the need for clarification?</p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>“We will!” she insisted.</p>
<p>He grinned, he knew they would really. Although sharing a room Jamilah was far more likely to lead Jake astray.</p>
<p>“I know, and me and daddy were thinking it was a good idea,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“For how long?”</p>
<p>“Will she stay? I don’t know but as long as she needs to she can,” Matteo told them, “Jammy? You’re young but as you get older when you want your own room again, when you need space we’ll figure something out and-”</p>
<p>“No!” Jake cried out.</p>
<p>“Jakey?”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to be on my own!”</p>
<p>“Come here,” Matteo said gently, pulling him onto his lap.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to, but when Jamilah is a bit older she might want to, and you have to let her have her room back. But then if you like can go in with Mimmo instead. How does that sound? He won’t be a baby then,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Oh… oh… yeah, that’s ok,” Jake said quietly.</p>
<p>“And you can always come in with me and daddy whenever you need to,” Matteo reminded him.</p>
<p>“I’m not a baby,” Jake muttered.</p>
<p>Matteo hated that, that he thought that way. He never had to stay in his room if he was scared.</p>
<p>“I never said you were sweetheart, having nightmares, being afraid, none of that makes you a baby. Papa is very old and he still hates sleeping alone,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Oh that’s true,” Jake said, “I can’t wait to get married. Then I won’t ever have to be alone,” he said.</p>
<p>“It really is the dream,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I’m excited,” Jamilah said, “I bet she’s really cool. We do need more cool people in this family,” she said, standing up and putting her hand on her hip.</p>
<p>She tossed her hair back and nodded to herself.</p>
<p>“Ouch Jamilah that cut deep,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“You’re not cool papa,” she said.</p>
<p>Jake just giggled, not defending him at all.</p>
<p>“What about daddy?”</p>
<p>“Maybe a hundred years ago,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>Jake wriggled free to go stand with Jamilah.</p>
<p>“I’m worried about how old you seem to think we are,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Two hundred?” Jake guessed, grinning.</p>
<p>“Like fifty?” Jamilah guessed.</p>
<p>“I’m thirty-six!” Matteo spluttered, “I told you like five minutes ago,” he said.</p>
<p>“Same thing,” she said.</p>
<p>“Damn you teaming up with a teenager? Terrifying,” Matteo said, but he was laughing. </p>
<p>“Can we go get her room ready?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>“We have the weekend, she’s coming on Monday,” Matteo told them.</p>
<p>“Come on Jakey we’ve gotta get it ready and we’ll need bunk beds papa and a dollhouse,” she said, taking charge. </p>
<p>Matteo just stared, what was happening? Dollhouse? Since when? This was the first he’d even heard about this.</p>
<p>“Why do you need a dollhouse?” he asked her. </p>
<p>“Because I want one duh,” she said.</p>
<p>Matteo was dreading the day she became a teenager if this was what she was like right now. She was going to be so sassy. And David would do nothing but encourage her.</p>
<p>“I’ll think about it,” Matteo conceded, “but you know maybe don’t say duh when you’re asking for things,” he suggested.</p>
<p>“You’re being very duh it had to be said,” she said, sticking her tongue out and pulling Jake away.</p>
<p>“Ah to have children who loved me,” Matteo said dramatically, laying down with Matty and cuddling him close.</p>
<p>At least his baby didn’t give him backchat.</p>
<p>“Papa I love you,” Jake said, running over to him and flinging his arms around his neck.</p>
<p>Matteo grinned.</p>
<p>“Would you like a dollhouse Jake? Because you can have one. You’re my favourite child, you never say I’m duh do you?” Matteo asked him.</p>
<p>Jake shook his head, cottoning on quickly.</p>
<p>“Jammy is mean,” he said seriously.</p>
<p>“She is,” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>Jamilah slowly walked over to them trying to scowl, but it wasn’t working. Matteo grinned and pulled her down.</p>
<p>“So… bunk beds?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,”</p>
<p>“And I guess you’ll get the top bunk?”</p>
<p>“No we’ll swap every day so it’s fair,” she said.</p>
<p>That wouldn’t last longer than a week and if Jake was having nightmares he would probably be better off on the bottom bed.</p>
<p>“All your toys won’t fit in Jammy’s room Jake, so some might have to go in the garage,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“No,” he whispered.</p>
<p>Matteo got it, they were his things, he didn’t want them being boxed away. At the same time if it all went in Jamilah’s room, combined with all her toys it would become a death trap.</p>
<p>“I can put some of mine away,” Jamilah suggested, “because it’s both our room now,” she said.</p>
<p>“Yeah, but Jake has a lot,” Matteo said, “we’ll figure it out.”</p>
<p>“Maybe you should buy a bigger house,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“I don’t wanna move,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“Me either this is home, also moving is hell. We’ll just have to be clever about it, I’ll talk to daddy we’ll work something out,” Matteo promised.</p>
<p>“You won’t send one of us away?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>“No of course not,” Matteo insisted firmly.</p>
<p>“Because there’s no room?” Jake said.</p>
<p>“I would never, we would never do that and there’s plenty of room. You can all stay until you very big and even then papa never wants you to leave,” Matteo told them.</p>
<p>“I don’t ever want to leave,” Jake said and Jamilah nodded in agreement.</p>
<p>“You will, one day you will but I promise you never have to. We’ll work it out. Daddy said we could maybe turn the attic into a bedroom,” he said.</p>
<p>“Mine!” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“But I was thinking how about a playroom, for all your toys?” Matteo suggested, the idea had only just come to him, but it was a big space, plenty of room for all of them to play.</p>
<p>“And my dollhouse?” she asked sweetly.</p>
<p>“Yes Jamilah a dollhouse, since when are you interested in dollhouses?” he asked.</p>
<p>She glanced at Jake then back to him.</p>
<p>“You know Carmen at school?”</p>
<p>Carmen was one of her friends at school, she had so many and Matteo couldn’t be happier. </p>
<p>At her first school, because of how difficult and unstable things had been at the home she’d been she’d acted out a lot. Got into fights with the other kids, arguments with the teachers. All of it was a red flag as far as Matteo was concerned and something that her teachers should’ve picked up on and reported to them. David said they didn’t because Jamilah wasn’t white. She was just another angry Muslim girl to them. It was the tired way he’d said this, the tone he used just suggesting this was how it was. That that was how it had been for him too back when he was young and angry, how nothing had changed. That upset Matteo the most.</p>
<p>Even after settling in with them, being happy with them in their little flat, she hated school. It was too late, didn’t matter that she was bright and studious, they didn’t see it, could only see the angry girl she once was. So they’d moved, barely hesitated in pulling her out of there, finding her a better place at Mohammed's school. Finding a new home in the process. </p>
<p>It had taken one day. One day and she was coming home talking about all the friends she’d made. Had three invites to play dates and one to a birthday party the very next week. Which wasn’t surprising to them really. She was charming, she was cheeky and people loved her. She was thriving there.</p>
<p>“Yeah? Does she have a dollhouse?” he asked her.</p>
<p>“She has the best dollhouse,” Jamilah clarified, “she showed me the other day and it’s so good for doing stories papa, it’s so much fun,” she insisted.</p>
<p>“Wow like lego,” Jake whispered.</p>
<p>Jamilah nodded.</p>
<p>“Yeah like Jake’s lego! I want a dollhouse and a doll garden and a doll city,” she said, jumping up and gesturing around the room.</p>
<p>He could see she was just picturing an entire doll universe.</p>
<p>“So the whole playroom will be your doll city?” Matteo asked her.</p>
<p>“No,” she shook her head, “I’ll share. Jake can play lego and Matty can play with his blocks and teddies, and Alex can… can… what do seventeen-year-olds play?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Honestly? I have no idea, video games?” Matteo suggested.</p>
<p>“Ok Alex can play video games,” she conceded.</p>
<p>“But…”</p>
<p>“But?” Matteo prompted gently.</p>
<p>“I’m scared of the attic,” Jake reminded them.</p>
<p>Right now the attic was used for storage, there were boards down so they could walk around, and lights to see but it was also cramped, dim, and dusty. Exactly the kind of space Jake hated.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah,” Jamilah remembered.</p>
<p>“You are?” Matteo asked him, even though he already knew why.</p>
<p>“The baddies live in the attic,” Jake told them.</p>
<p>Jamilah had good memories of her birth parents. Jake did not. His memories were patchy, partly from trauma, partly from him being so young but the memories he did have were not good at all. The reason he was scared of the dark, of small spaces, of loud noises, was because that was all he could remember from the time before coming to them. It had left Jake nervous and afraid. Sometimes he was loud, chatty and overexcitable, but almost like he was overcompensating, making sure they didn’t forget about him. Other times he was so quiet it was as if he was trying to be invisible. </p>
<p>Matteo would take loud and overexcitable any day over quiet Jake but they were finding a balance. Just like with Jamilah it was a slow process but Matteo would work at it forever if that was what it took.</p>
<p>“Ah but it won’t be dark in there when we sort it, it’ll need a conversion to make it a room. And we’ll put windows in the roof so it’s light and nice I promise,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Ok,” Jake said, smiling now.</p>
<p>“And if you want me or daddy will always come up there with you,” Matteo promised.</p>
<p>Jake huffed but continued to smile.</p>
<p>“Ok,” he said.</p>
<p>“Cool?”</p>
<p>“Cool,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Would you like to look at bunk beds?” Matteo offered.</p>
<p>“Can we go to Ikea?”</p>
<p>“Yes, sweetheart we can go to Ikea,” Matteo agreed reluctantly, knowing no matter how much he tried they’d come back with a car full of stuff they didn’t need.</p>
<p>“Yes!” she said, bouncing where she stood.</p>
<p>“And Jonas and Hanna are coming over on Saturday so they can help. We’re going to be really busy this weekend,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“We are,” Jamilah agreed, unbothered. </p>
<p>Neither she nor Jake needed a lie-in, were almost always up at the crack of dawn anyway. Even if he’d wanted one he never got one these days.</p>
<p>“Ok let’s do Ikea tomorrow after school, we can eat there too,” Matteo suggested.</p>
<p>“Yes!” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Chips!” Jake said.</p>
<p>Would his son ever appreciate his cooking, or would it just be chips forever? Matteo smiled at him.</p>
<p>“Right then we’ve got the opticians on Saturday morning, and we can do the furniture on Saturday afternoon,” Matteo decided.</p>
<p>“Shall we make Uncle Jonas do the furniture?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>“Shall we?” Matteo asked, grinning.</p>
<p>He knew she was talking about the time Jonas helped do Matty’s crib. Or when they all went over to help set up Noah’s room in their house and he’d almost had a breakdown both times over flatpack furniture.</p>
<p>“He gets so cross,” Jamilah said, giggling.</p>
<p>“He does doesn’t he?” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“It’s really funny,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“Can I film him?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>“I’m sure he’d love that. So why don’t you go grab the laptop, have a look and see what they have,” Matteo suggested, “and we should look at getting boxes and stuff too,” he said.</p>
<p>Jamilah nodded and ran off to get the laptop.</p>
<p>Matteo laid back, pulling Jake and Matty with him.</p>
<p>“We have to stay awake and look at the beds papa,” Jake complained when Matteo held him close.</p>
<p>“Do we though?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“Papa!” Jake exclaimed, giggling when Matteo pretended to snore.</p>
<p>“I’m just so sleepy,” Matteo joked.</p>
<p>“I’m excited,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“Yeah? For moving rooms?”</p>
<p>“Yeah but for Alex too. Because… because I was so sad when I came here. And now I’m so happy,” he said quietly.</p>
<p>Matteo just squeezed him close. This little boy, whatever he did, whatever his future held, he was going to be so kind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a hectic couple of days, Matteo found himself welcoming Jonas, Hanna and Noah into the house. The day before they’d been to Ikea and stocked up on furniture. For the twins’ room, they got wooden bunk beds, new shelves, new wardrobes, a desk they could share with a little chair for Jake. Jamilah had insisted they needed bean bag chairs for the corner by her bookshelf or she would never be able to read. He’d gotten all three of them new soft toys because he’d seen them and thought they were cute. He’d gotten a fourth for Alex, a little dragon plushie but he didn’t know how well it would go down. It was currently on her bed.</p>
<p>For Alex’s room, he’d decided not to change the bed yet, he would wait until she got there for that. Thought it was something she should get to decide herself. But he’d gotten a new desk for her to study, a couple more beanbag chairs in case she wanted friends over. New bedding, he went with green because it seemed safe enough. He’d bought a plain wooden bookshelf to replace the brightly coloured rocket ship one.</p>
<p>He didn’t know what else to get so he thought he’d leave it up to Alex. Give her the freedom to make the space her own.</p>
<p>That was yesterday, today they’d gotten their eyes tested, all four of them. Then instead of letting him take them home, Jamilah had dragged him to several toy shops to inspect the dollhouses they had on offer. None of them had met her standards, were apparently too childish. Which Matteo had thought was the point. They had gotten a new lego set for Jake and something called a sensory activity table for Matty. He’d found it when he’d let the kids run amok in the store and they’d come back and found him and Matty playing with it. It was fun pressing all the buttons and watching Matty copy him with delight.</p>
<p>They’d only been home an hour before Jonas and Hanna got there. Just enough time for him to get the furniture upstairs and prepare a couple of pizzas bases and some snacks for everyone. </p>
<p>He didn’t even get to greet anyone before Jamilah and Jake were shoving him out of the way to grab Noah and drag him upstairs.</p>
<p>“Hi Jamilah, hi Jake,” Jonas said, watching amused as his son was dragged away.</p>
<p>“We’ve emptied out Jamilah’s room, they want to show him the echo,” Matteo explained as he led them into the kitchen.</p>
<p>“The echo?” Hanna asked, sitting down on a stool and grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl.</p>
<p>“You know the room is a bit echoey because there’s no furniture in there right now,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>“Do I really have to put up bunk beds?” Jonas looked like he’d rather do anything else.</p>
<p>Hanna just tutted, no sympathy for him.</p>
<p>“No it’s fine I’ll do it tomorrow.” Matteo sat down and stretched over the counter, draping himself over it, “the kids will just have to sleep on the floor tonight I guess,” he said dramatically.</p>
<p>Hanna just chuckled.</p>
<p>Jonas groaned and shook his head. “Don’t do that,” he said.</p>
<p>“It’s fine Jonas, I just thought you were a good uncle,” Matteo continued, smiling up at him.</p>
<p>“Damn it where is everything?” Jonas demanded.</p>
<p>“Upstairs, Jammy’s room,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>Hanna and Matteo watched him stomp off then Hanna leant over the counter so they were at eye level.</p>
<p>“You are perfectly capable of putting furniture up,” she said, smirking, “you just want him to get wound up.”</p>
<p>“It’s so funny Hanna,” Matteo insisted, sitting up properly again, “it was Jamilah that asked, how could I say no to that? I mean remember when he was trying to put up that basketball hoop?” he asked.</p>
<p>Hanna burst out laughing, shoving at him and wiping her eyes.</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” she whispered.</p>
<p>“Yeah when it fell on his foot and he just wouldn’t swear in front of the kids so he was just hopping around all over the place muttering to himself,” Matteo reminded her, cracking up with laughter.</p>
<p>“Damn that was so funny and Jamilah filmed it all! Oh, I’ve missed you,” Hanna said, getting up and hugging him tightly.</p>
<p>He hugged her back, frowning slightly in his confusion. She was particularly clingy today, not that he minded at all. He’d needed a hug anyway.</p>
<p>“I saw you last week Wednesday,” he reminded her, finally pulling back. </p>
<p>“Yeah but I couldn’t come over at the weekend and I like our Saturdays,” she said.</p>
<p>“Me too,” he said.</p>
<p>“Papa? Uncle Jonas says he needs a beer.” Jake was standing in the doorway, smiling at them.</p>
<p>Matteo poured a glass of water and handed it to Jake who frowned at it confused.</p>
<p>“Tell Jonas he can have a beer when the beds are done, tell him it would be irresponsible to put up furniture under the influence,” Matteo said, winking at Hanna.</p>
<p>Jake just blinked at him.</p>
<p>“Tell him no beer,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Ok papa!” he said, scurrying off holding the glass in front of him carefully.</p>
<p>“You are so mean,” Hanna said, grinning.</p>
<p>“I know, so beer?” </p>
<p>“No beer for me but juice would be nice,” she said.</p>
<p>Matteo frowned for a second as an idea almost formed but it faded just as quickly so he shrugged and grabbed a beer and the orange juice from the fridge. He poured a glass for Hanna then sat back down.</p>
<p>“How are you doing?” she said gently.</p>
<p>Hanna was one of the few people he didn’t mind showing concern about him. Didn’t mind her being gentle with him because it was just the way she was. It was never pitying, just pure kindness on her part. </p>
<p>For the same reason, she’d been the only one able to get through to him after Matty was born and he’d struggled so much with the adjustment. Wound himself up with the need to keep Matty safe from whatever his head was telling him would harm him. Even David had struggled to get through but Hanna could, she’d gone through similar when Noah was born. Had convinced herself he was going to die in his sleep and had stopped sleeping to keep him safe. </p>
<p>She’d gotten the help she’d needed and then she’d come to him when he’d needed her. She’d just sat with him while he’d voiced his fears, while he’d broken down and cried over how tired he was. And when he was done she’d told him he was doing a damn good job but he needed help. And he’d listened to her, always would.</p>
<p>He just sighed. She already knew how he was.</p>
<p>“So you’re missing David obviously but with this too. A new kid is a big change and obviously, you’ll be great at it but I bet you’re nervous,” she said.</p>
<p>He nodded.</p>
<p>“Nervous yeah but it’s just so important that I’m kinda able to ignore it. I just hope she can stand it here enough that she stays, it’s such a tricky age you know? She’s been let down and worse so many times that she’s going to find it really hard to trust us. But she’s not ready to go it alone, for so many of them it’s the preferable option but it’s not easy, and she deserves a chance. Seventeen is not too old to learn what stability feels like, you know? Like I think back and I think I was eighteen when I first started to experience that,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“With David?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah but also once I trusted David then... no even before that. When all that was going on I had to learn to trust others in the meantime. I let Hans in, I let Jonas in where I’d been pushing him away. And you helped you know, just the fact that you very clearly saw something in me that I just couldn’t see back then, that you still thought of me as a friend made me think ‘hey maybe stop listening to yourself for a bit’ and I did, I let people help me. It took time but I found it, so it’s not too late for her,” he said.</p>
<p>Hanna just leant over and kissed his cheek. He blushed and ducked his head.</p>
<p>“She’s going to be great here, give it time, be just as patient as you always are and she is going to thrive and years from now she’ll probably come to you and give you a very similar speech,” Hanna said.</p>
<p>“Yeah and wait…” </p>
<p>Something was going on. He had this nagging feeling but he couldn’t pinpoint it.</p>
<p>Hanna smiled at him.</p>
<p>“Hm?”</p>
<p>“Are you driving tonight?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Yep,” she said, smile not faltering.</p>
<p>He shrugged again, he felt like there was something he was missing but didn’t dwell.</p>
<p>“Oh ok, so I’ve moved a lot of Jake’s stuff out of Alex’s room but there’s so much of it. And we bought new sheets but actually, she might want a new bed, it’s a standard bed size not a kid’s one but it seems kinda little, and it still really feels like a kid’s room you know but I don’t know what she likes and I didn’t want to presume,” Matteo said, trying not to stress.</p>
<p>“Just explain all that, let her get here first and then she can decide how she wants it. She might never have had a room long term before so let her just have it how she wants,” Hanna assured him.</p>
<p>He felt a little calmer, always did around Hanna.</p>
<p>“Ok yeah you’re right,” he said.</p>
<p>“Matteo?” Hanna said.</p>
<p>“Hm?”</p>
<p>“Even if I wasn't driving I wouldn’t want a beer,” she said.</p>
<p>He frowned there was that nagging feeling again.</p>
<p>“Oh, I have wine too… or no wine?” he asked slowly.</p>
<p>“No beer, no wine,” she confirmed.</p>
<p>It all clicked into place. Damn, he was so slow sometimes but in fairness, this was a big surprise, a wonderful surprise.</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she said, nodding excitedly.</p>
<p>He grabbed her and pulled her into his arms, hugging her back tightly. That explained everything.</p>
<p>“Oh my god, this is so exciting! Were you going to tell me today? Did I spoil it by asking?” he asked her.</p>
<p>“No no I was going to tell you today, it was twelve weeks on Monday, just had the scan,” she said.</p>
<p>“Yes! Oh, I'm so happy for you! Another baby this is so exciting! Baby number two!” Matteo said, suddenly feeling a lot more energetic, “you’ll be competing with us soon,” he added, winking at her.</p>
<p>She just laughed and shook her head. She didn’t pull away and they just stood there together, Matteo’s arm around her waist, her head on his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Two is plenty thank you very much,” she insisted.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Yeah you and David are superdads but two is plenty for us,” she said.</p>
<p>Matteo grinned at that, super dad sounded good to him. Before he could say anything Jonas walked into the kitchen and slammed down the instructions on the counter.</p>
<p>“Is there a problem?” Matteo asked genially.</p>
<p>Jonas glared. “You see this picture here of the little man putting up the bed?” he demanded.</p>
<p>“I see it,” Matteo said, trying to stay calm. He was so close to bursting out laughing.</p>
<p>“Do you see the other little man helping him?” he asked.</p>
<p>“I do,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Who do you think that might be?” Jonas asked.</p>
<p>“Jake?”</p>
<p>“Come help me!”</p>
<p>“Oh my god, you’re so dramatic! Could you not have asked for help? Did you really need to do that whole spiel?” Matteo asked him, rolling his eyes.</p>
<p>Hanna was just cracking up beside him, arm still wrapped around his waist, leaning on him for support as she tried not to double over.</p>
<p>“You’d better go help him,” she said gently when she’d calmed down.</p>
<p>“I guess I had or the twins really will be on the floor,” he agreed.</p>
<p>“Ok you go help my dear husband, I'll make us something to eat,” she said.</p>
<p>“This is my kitchen,” he argued.</p>
<p>“I know, I won’t break it,” Hanna said, knowing exactly how he was about the kitchen.</p>
<p>It was his domain and he didn’t let anyone else cook in here. But she was allowed. The food was already done anyway.</p>
<p>“Ok there’s pizza’s in the fridge, and toppings, just set the oven to-”</p>
<p>“I know Matteo, go stop Jonas breaking the furniture,” she said, heading to the fridge.</p>
<p>“Why so grumpy Jonas?” Matteo asked as he followed him up the stairs.</p>
<p>Jonas didn’t respond to that.</p>
<p>“Grumpy Jonas! Grumpy Jonas!” Jamilah sang as they walked into the room. </p>
<p>He hadn’t made much progress, all the parts were unboxed and spread about the room but not much else. His friend was lucky he’d been there to help him move into his house or he would have had no furniture. All three kids appeared to have been standing off to one side watching rather than helping. He grinned and waved them over, picking up the instructions.</p>
<p>“Ok, Noah and Jake see these?” </p>
<p>They both nodded.</p>
<p>“These are the slats, there should be thirty, fifteen for each bed, can you count that high?”</p>
<p>“I can,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“I think so,” Noah said, frowning at his fingers.</p>
<p>“I’ll help,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“Ok you two set out fifteen for each bed,” he said, watching them get to work, “Jammy?”</p>
<p>“Yes papa?” she said, grabbing a hammer eagerly. He immediately plucked out of her hands.</p>
<p>“You’re going to help me and Jonas, very important,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Yes!”</p>
<p>“But Jammy you have to listen to me and do exactly as I say or your little fingers might get hurt,” Matteo warned.</p>
<p>She nodded seriously so he beckoned her closer and crouched down to show here the instructions.</p>
<p>“We’ve got to build the frame and then we put the slats on,” he said.</p>
<p>“Ok,” she said, he didn’t think he’d ever seen her so focussed. Certainly not when she had to listen to him at least.</p>
<p>“Jonas here, you and Jamilah hold this up,” he said, pointing to the end of the bed.</p>
<p>Jonas picked it up without comment, still grumpy. Jamilah stood beside him and held it too. Jonas had the actual weight of the piece but Jamilah made like she was straining with the weight. Matteo picked up the sides and slotted them into place one by one.</p>
<p>“Good job Jammy,” he said, as he screwed each piece tight.</p>
<p>She beamed at him while Jonas scowled unimpressed.</p>
<p>Once Jake and Noah had divided up the slats, Matteo crouched down to double-check they were all the same. While he was down there Jake climbed onto his back and giggled when he stood up but didn’t shake him off. </p>
<p>“They’re all the same so Jonas you do the top, Noah, Jammy put the slats on the bottom bed,” Matteo instructed.</p>
<p>Matteo followed them and screwed in the bottom slats, Jake still hanging onto his back like a rucksack. Jonas did the same on the top frame.</p>
<p>Finally, Jonas shook off his fake grumpiness, too eager to speak. “Did Hanna tell you?” Jonas asked, looking down at him through the slats.</p>
<p>“She did,” Matteo said, bopping Jake on the nose with the screwdriver when he started pinching his sides, “does Noah know?” </p>
<p>“He does,” Jonas confirmed.</p>
<p>“Does Noah know what?” Jamilah asked immediately, always on the ball.</p>
<p>“Hanna is having a baby, Noah is going to have a little brother or sister,” Matteo told her.</p>
<p>“Yay!” Jake said, wrapping his arms tighter around Matteo’s neck as he stretched over the bed.</p>
<p>“Are you excited, Noah?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he said, nodding.</p>
<p>Jonas grinned and picked him up, ruffling his hair and kissing the crown of his head.</p>
<p>“Babies are boring at first,” Jamilah warned him, “and they nap all the time, Matty is napping right now,” she said.</p>
<p>She couldn’t quite understand why Matty had come to them completely unready to play with her like Jake had been, but she loved him all the same. Despite complaining about him a lot.</p>
<p>“Because we were out all morning Jammy,” Matteo reminded her, to be honest, he could’ve done with a nap too. He had no such luxury.</p>
<p>“I like to nap,” Noah said.</p>
<p>“Me too,” Jake agreed.</p>
<p>“Yes I forgot you're still almost a baby Noah,” she said, so matter of factly Matteo had to hide his grin. Noah was already four not a baby at all, and not the youngest for much longer. “I'm getting a big sister. I bet she won’t nap. I hope she wants to play with me all the time,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“She’ll probably sleep a lot, teenagers do that,” Jonas told her.</p>
<p>She frowned at him. “How would you know?” </p>
<p>Matteo laughed but Jonas looked offended.</p>
<p>“I was a teenager once,” Jonas insisted.</p>
<p>“Really?” Noah asked.</p>
<p>“When?” Jamilah asked doubtfully. “Like four hundred years ago?”</p>
<p>Matteo couldn’t stop laughing now. They all seemed to struggle with the idea that they weren’t always grown-ups. Even though they’d seen photos of them young it seemed far fetched to them.</p>
<p>“Funny girl, you, aren't you?” Jonas said, prodding her in the tummy.</p>
<p>She just grinned and threw her hair back over her shoulder. “Yes.” </p>
<p>She knew she was and she knew she could make them laugh with her exaggerations and her dramatics.</p>
<p>Matteo swung Jake around from his back and put him down on the floor then he and Jonas grabbed the mattresses from the hallway.</p>
<p>“I feel like we did sleep a lot though when we were teenagers,” Matteo said, as they placed them on the beds.</p>
<p>“We were stoned a lot?” Jonas countered.</p>
<p>“What’s that?” Jamilah asked immediately.</p>
<p>“Nothing,” Matteo insisted but it was too late, all three of them were staring at him curiously.</p>
<p>“What’s stoned?” Jamilah asked Jonas.</p>
<p>“Ask your grandma, ask nana,” he suggested.</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare! Jammy it’s nothing, do not ask your nana. I will tell you when you're sixteen,” Matteo said, glaring at Jonas.</p>
<p>“Is it naughty?” she asked</p>
<p>“Very,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>Matteo kicked him.</p>
<p>“Well done,” he muttered.</p>
<p>“Sorry man,” Jonas said, he didn’t look that sorry.</p>
<p>But Matteo wasn’t mad, not really. She would lose interest quickly enough.</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” he said, “just, you know what she's like, you can’t say anything,” he reminded him.</p>
<p>“I can hear you,” Jamilah said, huffing and stomping her feet.</p>
<p>Matteo picked her up and put her onto the top bed. She screamed and bounced in delight. “Yes Jammy you’re supposed to,” he said, crouching down and checking it was all sturdy as Jamilah put it to the test.</p>
<p>“Papa me too,” Jake said, reaching out to him.</p>
<p>Matteo picked him up and put him on the bed, then lifted Noah up too.</p>
<p>“Oh my god this is so cool,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“It’s like a boat,” Jake said, crawling over to the side. </p>
<p>Matteo poked at him through the bars.</p>
<p>“It is! Yes! Jake! I'm the captain you can be my… my… my pirates,” she decided.</p>
<p>“Yay!” Noah said.</p>
<p>“Ok go away papa we’re playing pirates now,” Jamilah said, shooing him away.</p>
<p>“Hold on I have to sort out your bedding,” Matteo said, grabbing the colourful sheets.</p>
<p>Jake whispered something in Jamilah’s ear.</p>
<p>“Yes, sails you’re right! Give them here,” she demanded.</p>
<p>Matteo reluctantly handed it over, he wanted to make the beds, if he gave them the sheets there was no way he was going get them made tonight. But he did anyway and they were immediately flung all over the bed.</p>
<p>“Are you staying up here then, you not going to come downstairs and play games with us?” Matteo asked, knowing the answer was no.</p>
<p>“But we’re pirates,” Noah said.</p>
<p>“I guess that’s that then,” Matteo said to Jonas.</p>
<p>He grinned back at him. </p>
<p>“A night without the kids, how devastating,” he joked, “well you kids behave yourself, we’ll just go be sad adults downstairs.”</p>
<p>“We will,” Jamilah promised.</p>
<p>“When I call you to come eat-”</p>
<p>“We will now go away,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“I remember when my kids loved me,” Matteo said dramatically. </p>
<p>“Papa no! Papa,” Jake said, slightly panicky.</p>
<p>Matteo went back to the bed.</p>
<p>“Yes Jake,” Matteo said gently, reaching out and pulling him close to the edge.</p>
<p>“I love you,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“I know Jakey don’t worry, I was teasing you,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I do too,” Jamilah said, grinning at him and sticking out her tongue.</p>
<p>“Have fun,” Matteo said, “and don’t play rough,” he warned.</p>
<p>“We’ll be good,” Jamilah promised.</p>
<p>“Hi Noah,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>“Hi dad,” he said back.</p>
<p>“No declarations?” Jonas asked while Matteo laughed.</p>
<p>Noah just looked at him blankly.</p>
<p>“Guess not,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>“C’mon there’s beer downstairs and food should be nearly ready too,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Right I am your captain and…”</p>
<p>Matteo just pulled the door to, leaving it ajar and they backed away from the room.</p>
<p>“Will they be alright? She’s not gonna make them walk the plank or anything?” Jonas asked. </p>
<p>“Doubt it, unless they rebel,” he guessed, “let me just grab Mimmo,” he said, opening the door to the nursery just as Matty was blinking awake.</p>
<p>Perfect timing. Matteo scooped him up and changed his nappy while Jonas stood in the doorway.</p>
<p>“Miss this?” Matteo asked him.</p>
<p>“Noah only stopped like last year,” Jonas said, waving at Matty who grinned back, wiggling his fingers.</p>
<p>All changed Matteo picked him up and they headed downstairs.</p>
<p>“Give him here,” Hanna demanded as soon as they walked into the kitchen.</p>
<p>“She is baby mad right now,” Jonas said, as Matteo handed him over, “I caught her crying at Noah’s baby photos the other day,” he told him.</p>
<p>“I would like to clarify that Jonas teared up literally five minutes later,” Hanna said, walking around the room, bouncing Matty as she went.</p>
<p>Matty just gurgled in delight at the attention.</p>
<p>“She started talking about him growing up, I got emotional,” Jonas explained.</p>
<p>“No I’m the same, David keeps saying my Mimmo is a toddler now not a baby and I just lose it,” Matteo said, going over to where Hanna was standing with Matty, snooping in the fridge, “hungry little bambino? hai fame? il mio bambino affamato?” he cooed. </p>
<p>Matty giggled and reached for him, grabbing at his face.</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” Hanna whispered, kissing Matty’s head.</p>
<p>“Pizza?” he asked her.</p>
<p>“I just put it in, maybe ten minutes?” she guessed.</p>
<p>He glanced at the time and sat down at the counter, Jonas joined him. Hanna continued to walk around with Matty.</p>
<p>“It took you that long?”</p>
<p>“Get lost Matteo why do you put everything in such weird places?”</p>
<p>“I can tell you exactly where everything is, this cupboard is for-”</p>
<p>“Don’t start,” Jonas said, “you both have your own systems let’s just agree with that,” he said trying to keep the peace.</p>
<p>“Just saying, there was so much pasta it was hard to find anything else,” Hanna teased, finally sitting down opposite them.</p>
<p>Matty started grizzling and reaching for Matteo so she reluctantly handed him over. Matteo sat him on the counter, he was getting hungry. Matteo reached out burbled his bottom lip with his finger until he giggled.</p>
<p>“Different pasta for different dishes Hanna how many times do I have to tell you?” he asked, not looking away from Matty.</p>
<p>“Stop winding him up babe,” Jonas said, not wanting to get into the pasta debate. Again.</p>
<p>“I do love this kitchen,” Hanna said wistfully.</p>
<p>He grinned, the kitchen was the room in the house he was most proud of. When they’d moved in David had pretty much let him loose on it. It had been very dated and he’d had all these things that he would need to fix to get it how he wanted. David had suggested he just ripped it all out and started from scratch. So he had and he’d designed the new kitchen to look pretty much like his nonna’s kitchen back in Italy. Tuscan style, warm brown wooden cabinets around the sides, paler wood and stonework in the middle island. Lots of exposed red brickwork. And of course plenty of cupboards with space for lots of food and wine. </p>
<p>His nonna had come up with his dad a few years back and she'd absolutely loved it. They’d spent a week cooking together, she was still pretty spritely for a woman in her late eighties. Jamilah loved her, loved being treated like the princess she was both by her and her nonno. His dad was definitely better with the grandkids than he ever was with him. Patient and gentle with them, he’d never once heard him snap at them. He finally understood all the mistakes he’d made and had taken everything Matteo had told him to heart.</p>
<p>“Yeah must be nice to have fancy director husbands to fund your interior decorating fancies,” Jonas teased.</p>
<p>Matteo just blushed and ducked his head.</p>
<p>“You live pretty modestly though, like you just put up furniture from Ikea,” Hanna said.</p>
<p>“It’s just stuff,” Matteo said, “but when we bought this house it felt expensive. We could afford it, we could have afforded bigger, let’s face it this place was a bit on the run down and tired side when we moved in but it just… it reminded me of mama’s house and I wanted that. And like yeah we could probably afford something bigger and shinier now but I see all those new houses without any character and this is my home,” he said.</p>
<p>“It is, it’s very you, no need to justify it to us Matteo, you live well and you should, you deserve it. And hell, look what you do with it,” Jonas reminded him.</p>
<p>Matteo hid his face behind Matty, still blushing.</p>
<p>“Did you finish the whole room?” Hanna asked.</p>
<p>“No but we finished the bed,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>Matteo nodded for Jonas to keep an eye on Matty while he jumped down to check on the pizza and get a salad ready.</p>
<p>“I’ll sort the rest tomorrow, it shouldn’t take long,” he said, turning the heat down on the oven a little to keep everything warm.</p>
<p>“Can’t believe you’re just getting a teenager just like that,” Hanna said, picking up Matty again when he started to cry.</p>
<p>“Not really just like that, she has to like us, we still have to be assessed,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>“But it’s gotta be less stressful than with the kids right? Surely she gets some say in it?” Jonas asked.</p>
<p>Matteo took the kids pizza out of the oven to let it cool a little for them, then chopped the lettuces, tomatoes and cucumber. He grabbed some croutons and dressing and tossed it all together.</p>
<p>“True,” he agreed, “she’s close to ageing out, hell she could just walk away right now. But that’s harder too because she probably wants that after everything, she must be so close to done with it all,” he said, sighing and placing the bowl on the table. He’d been so worried all week that it was just too late, that she wouldn’t want anything to do with them.</p>
<p>“Yeah I get that,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>“But we just gotta try, I'm excited to try because if it works, if she trusts us, if she stays that will be wonderful, just imagine that. If after everything she’s been through we can give her a happy life. I’m not saying she can’t have that anyway, like we’re not her saviours or anything. She’s probably perfectly capable of having a good and whole life without our intervention, even after everything she’s been through but wouldn’t it be nice if it was just easy? If she could just be a kid for a little longer? Just have that freedom,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Damn, you are so wonderful, both of you. You and David. You know that right? You see what you both do? David with his beautiful films, you with the work you do, the kids lives you help. You both do the same thing in different ways. But also the family you’re raising? These kids? With you as their parents they’ll go on to do the same, and their kids after that and so on. That’s so wonderful, so important and I don’t know if you even realise it,” she said, voice soft and filled with awe.</p>
<p>Matteo tried to shrug it off.</p>
<p>“Wow, those pregnancy hormones huh?” he joked.</p>
<p>“No don’t do that,” Hanna insisted.</p>
<p>“She’s absolutely right and you know it. I know you do, deep down you gotta see it,” Jonas agreed.</p>
<p>Matteo shrugged and stared at his hands, feeling suddenly shy. He hadn’t felt shy like this in years. But he was proud too, of everything Hanna had just listed. It was everything he’d ever wanted. Still didn’t stop him feeling shy about it.</p>
<p>He looked up and smiled though. Then he grabbed the other pizzas out of the oven and plated them up. He put them on the counter and then sliced the pizza for the kids. Matty’s into tiny squares so he could feed him, the others got regular slices. He put it all on the big plastic green plate.</p>
<p>“You really gonna let them eat up there?” Jonas asked him.</p>
<p>“Ah what harm can it do? They’re having fun,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“There’ll be pizza everywhere,” Hanna warned.</p>
<p>“It’s fine, there’s nothing in there. There aren’t even sheets on the bed yet,” Matteo assured her.</p>
<p>He went to the foot of the stairs.</p>
<p>“Jammy dinner,” he called out.</p>
<p>“Five more minutes,” she shouted back.</p>
<p>“Jamilah.”</p>
<p>She came to the top of the stairs, arms folded, ready to argue.</p>
<p>“Can you eat tidily?” he asked.</p>
<p>She nodded coming down the stairs, excited now.</p>
<p>“Can you make sure Jakey and Noah eat enough?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she promised, holding out her hands for the plate.</p>
<p>“Jakey?” </p>
<p>“He’ll eat,” she insisted. </p>
<p>“Don’t force him just…”</p>
<p>“He’ll eat, being a pirate makes you hungry,” she said.</p>
<p>Well, he couldn’t argue with that.</p>
<p>“Good girl,” he said, handing over the plate.</p>
<p>“Can we have Matty?” she asked, far too sweetly for whatever she was planning.</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“We need a prisoner,” she said.</p>
<p>“Then no you can’t,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“No fun,” she muttered.</p>
<p>“We’ll just be downstairs chatting but you can come down at any time,” he told her as she started backing away.</p>
<p>He followed her up.</p>
<p>“We’re fine thanks grown-up chat is boring,” she said.</p>
<p>“You’re boring,” he teased.</p>
<p>“Am not!”</p>
<p>“If Jake wants to come down?”</p>
<p>“We’ll all come down,” she told him</p>
<p>“Thanks, darling,” he kissed her on the nose.“Can you manage this?” he checked.</p>
<p>“Yes,” she said.</p>
<p>“Carefully,” he warned.</p>
<p>She nodded holding the plate tight. “Papa what’s pirate food called?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Grub? Like grub’s up,” he guessed.</p>
<p>“Jake! Noah! I have our grub!” she yelled.</p>
<p>There was the sound of clambering and then the thundering of footsteps far louder than two boys their size should have been able to make.</p>
<p>“Uncle Matteo? We need Matty,” Noah told him.</p>
<p>“Absolutely not,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I already asked,” Jamilah huffed.</p>
<p>Matteo waved them all off and then headed back to the living room where Jonas and Hanna had settled in.</p>
<p>“Kids are busy,” he said, “comfortable?” he asked Hanna who was laying on the sofa.</p>
<p>Matty was sitting beside her and she was feeding him squares of pizza. Her own plate was down on the floor beside her.</p>
<p>“Very, this is a really comfortable sofa,” she said.</p>
<p>Jonas was on the other sofa, the smaller one. Matteo joined him and took the beer he offered, grabbing a slice of pizza from the plate between them.</p>
<p>“Tell me about it,” he said, “I’ve fallen asleep there enough times lately,” he admitted.</p>
<p>“Man, you’re just falling apart huh?” Hanna asked stroking Matty’s hair.</p>
<p>“I’m… it’s hard but I'm coping,” Matteo told her.</p>
<p>“Really?” Jonas checked.</p>
<p>“No… yeah… I'm doing ok, just gotta get through it, three more weeks,” Matteo said, not sure if he was trying to reassure them or himself.</p>
<p>“I don’t know how you do it,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>“I dunno I reckon I could easily,” Hanna joked.</p>
<p>Matteo laughed, he assumed she was joking at least.</p>
<p>“You couldn’t,” Jonas argued.</p>
<p>“Could too, oh the peace and quiet,” she said dreamily.</p>
<p>“You alone? Or you and Noah?” Matteo asked her.</p>
<p>“Me alone,” she insisted.</p>
<p>Matteo shook his head, she had to be lying. No one would want to go through that.</p>
<p>“You’re so weird,” he muttered.</p>
<p>“She’s lying,” Jonas insisted.</p>
<p>“For four months?” Matteo checked.</p>
<p>She smiled at him.</p>
<p>“No for a couple of days,” she clarified.</p>
<p>“Well I can do a couple of days, I can do a week or two at a push. I have done, it was fine, this is nothing like that,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Without the kids too?” Jonas checked.</p>
<p>Matteo shrugged. That was not something he’d done before, not since they’d gotten them at least. There was one time when he’d gone to stay with his mum for a few days when she wasn’t doing too well. But David had had to bring both the kids the very next day because Jake got stressed without him there. So he’d done one day. But the kids would be old enough for sleepovers soon. That wouldn’t be fun if David was away. He’d still have Matty at least.</p>
<p>“No without David. I could do a couple of days without the kids but I’d rather it were if David is there with me. Like when he wins all the awards for this movie I'll go back to LA with him for that but we won’t take the kids,” he explained.</p>
<p>“We’re different you and I,” Hanna said.</p>
<p>“We are,” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>“Like I don’t like to be alone but sometimes I just like a bit of peace, I love you Jonas don’t worry but what I mean is you or I, we can do stuff by ourselves,” Hanna explained.</p>
<p>“Just to be clear I am a fully functioning adult, I can do stuff alone,” he insisted, feeling a bit called out. </p>
<p>This was something he was pretty insecure about. Had been his whole life.</p>
<p>“But you don’t want to, what I mean is sometimes I just like to go for a walk in the park alone or Jonas sometimes he likes to lock himself away in his office and I know he’s not working he’s just online but its fine,” she said, trying to reassure him.</p>
<p>Jonas huffed at the accusation but didn’t argue.</p>
<p>“You ever do that?” he asked instead.</p>
<p>“No… when I want to be alone it’s because I'm depressed so…”</p>
<p>They both nodded as they understood.</p>
<p>“Ah no that makes sense, I get you,” Jonas said gently.</p>
<p>Matteo just sighed and moved the plate, leaning against Jonas who wrapped his arm around him, clinking their beers together.</p>
<p>“It’ll be over soon,” he promised. </p>
<p>“Yeah thank god,” Matteo muttered.</p>
<p>“And probably these next three weeks are going to go quick, you’re already pretty distracted with Alex and she’s not even here, just think how it’s going to be when she is,” Hanna told him.</p>
<p>That was true, he hadn’t thought of that. But since Sandra’s call, everything seemed a lot busier and suddenly it felt like he didn’t have enough time. She was right.</p>
<p>“True,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Man, how do you even talk to teenagers these days?” Jonas wondered aloud.</p>
<p>“Well you should know,” Hanna said.</p>
<p>“Why should I know?” Jonas demanded.</p>
<p>“You’re so woke,” she reminded him.</p>
<p>Matteo sniggered.</p>
<p>“Don’t you start,” Jonas said, squeezing him with the arm he had wrapped around him.</p>
<p>“Yeah Jonas, you’re like the hip one in our group,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“If you’re not careful you’re going to be on the floor! I have never claimed to be either of those things,” Jonas said, shoving at him.</p>
<p>Matteo shoved him back.</p>
<p>“Isn’t that how they describe you at work?” he asked.</p>
<p>“I believe the term down with the kids was used,” Hanna said, “by Jonas,” she added.</p>
<p>Jonas wrote political articles for a news website aimed at teens and young adults, he’d been there years now, had been one of the original writers and was friends with the founders. He’d had plenty of offers from other “proper” newspapers and he did take them up on guest writing articles. But he was comfortable where he was writing what he knew for an audience he still managed to stay in touch with for now at least. But the important thing for him was the lack of censorship that was an issue at the other news sites.</p>
<p>Matteo remembered the first time he’d been requested to write on some big companies' commitment to a reduction in carbon emission and he’d gotten it back three times asking that he remove certain facts. He’d given up in the end and published it on his own site and won several awards. So he’d stayed put. </p>
<p>Matteo agreed with him, thought it was better that he was appreciated as he was, respected for his honesty rather than be forced to conform to something he wasn’t.</p>
<p>It did mean most of his colleagues were quite a bit younger than him. Which was fine, but something they all loved to tease him about.</p>
<p>Matteo laughed so hard at Hanna’s confession that he almost dropped his beer, only just managing to keep hold of it, even when Jonas tried to shove him to the floor again.</p>
<p>“Careful Jonas you’ll break his hip,” Hanna warned.</p>
<p>Matteo threw a cushion at her legs, not wanting to hit Matty who was now snuggled against her. She did look very comfortable the way she was laying there, stuffing her face with pizza.</p>
<p>“I’m excited though, I do think it will be ok like you said. And if she gives us a chance I think it will be wonderful- hello young lady everything ok?” Matteo asked Jamilah who’d suddenly appeared looking very sheepish.</p>
<p>“There’s been an accident,” Jamilah said, where she stood in the doorway, shifting from foot to foot.</p>
<p>There hadn’t been any screams so he assumed it was nothing serious.</p>
<p>“Is anyone hurt?” he asked anyway.</p>
<p>“No,” she said.</p>
<p>“Does the accident involve the pizza?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she said, still shifting like she was ready to be told off. Whatever had happened she was likely the instigator.</p>
<p>“What happened to the pizza?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“It’s on the ceiling,” she said.</p>
<p>Matteo laughed he couldn’t help it.</p>
<p>“The ceiling?” he asked, getting up from the sofa.</p>
<p>“Just one slice.” Like that made it any less strange.</p>
<p>“How did the pizza get on the ceiling?” He crouched down in front of her, lips pursed, trying to look stern. It didn’t work though.</p>
<p>She smiled at him, realising she wasn’t in any trouble. She stepped closer, hands behind her back, twisting slightly a she stood on her toes.</p>
<p>“There was a squid,” she told him quietly, eyes lit up with joy.</p>
<p>“There was a squid?” he asked.</p>
<p>“In the game,” she clarified.</p>
<p>“I see. And the only way to defeat the squid was to throw your pizza?” he checked.</p>
<p>She nodded excitedly as he seemed to understand what she was talking about.</p>
<p>“It was Jake’s pizza, he threw it but don’t be mad at him I told him to,” she told him. </p>
<p>He knew that she had. “Has Jake eaten two slices?” He stood up and placed a hand on her back, leading her to the hallway.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she said.</p>
<p>“Have you?” he asked, they went into the kitchen and Matteo filled a bowl with soapy water.</p>
<p>“I had three,” she told him. “Noah had three too.”</p>
<p>“And then you just figured you should use the rest as ammo?” he asked.</p>
<p>“What’s ammo?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Like weapons,” he said, “I guess if you’re on a ship it would be cannonballs,” he told her.</p>
<p>“Yeah, are you mad?” she asked.</p>
<p>“No, would you like me to come and get the pizza off the ceiling?” he asked, tossing a cloth in the bowl.</p>
<p>“It’s messy,” she warned.</p>
<p>“I figured it would be,” Matteo said, picking up the bowl and following her upstairs.</p>
<p>When he entered the bedroom Noah and Jake were sitting in the bed looking sheepish.</p>
<p>“Did you at least get the squid?” Matteo asked as he climbed up and reached for the remnants of the pizza stuck to the ceiling.</p>
<p>He laughed to himself as he wiped away the cheesy residue and tomato sauce. It wasn’t too bad and easy enough to clean because they’d told him straight away.</p>
<p>“Yeah of course,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Are you mad papa?”</p>
<p>“No Jakey, but food is for eating not throwing ok?” he reminded him.</p>
<p>“Sorry papa,” he said.</p>
<p>Matteo just smiled and ruffled his hair.</p>
<p>“Here,” Matteo said, grabbing a bag of colourful plastic balls from the pile of toys in the corner and placing it on the bed</p>
<p>“These would make good weapons against sea creatures I think,” he suggested, “if you throw them please be careful you don’t slip on them,” he warned.</p>
<p>“Yeah of course!” Jamilah grabbed the bag from him.</p>
<p>“Why throw the pizza?” he asked Jake, teasing him, trying to get him to smile again. He hated this nervous worry that had him quiet and chewing his lip.</p>
<p>“I was excited.”</p>
<p>“Ok is anyone still hungry?”</p>
<p>“Can we have ice cream?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>“Are you going to eat it?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Noah said.</p>
<p>“Are you going to throw it?”</p>
<p>“No,” Noah said.</p>
<p>“Come on then, come get some,” Matteo said, reaching out and grabbing Jake, the other two followed, Noah heading into the living room instead of the kitchen.</p>
<p>Matteo heard him talking to Hanna, it sounded like he was being interrogated over the pizza.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about the pizza,” Jake whispered.</p>
<p>“It’s ok Jakey, I'm not mad, what flavour?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Chocolate,” he said so quiet and sad that Matteo squeezed him tight.</p>
<p>“One chocolate, Jamilah?”</p>
<p>“Chocolate too, Noah wants strawberry,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Could you please go ask him?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“He always has strawberry, he’s weird,” she said.</p>
<p>Matteo raised an eyebrow, she threw up her hands.</p>
<p>“Fine,” she said, stomping off to the living room.</p>
<p>She was very heavy footed that girl. Had to let everyone know she was coming.</p>
<p>He rolled his eyes and grabbed the bowls and the tubs of strawberry and chocolate ice cream from the freezer.</p>
<p>“Ok, Jake? Why so quiet?”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about the pizza,” he mumbled, rubbing his face against Matteo’s shoulder.</p>
<p>Matteo let him for a few moments, squeezing him tight. Then he sat him down on the counter so he could talk to him properly.</p>
<p>“Hey now don’t do that, I'm not mad,” he said gently.</p>
<p>“Noah said I was naughty, that I was going to get in trouble,” Jake said.</p>
<p>It was tricky getting that balance right. Perhaps other parents would discipline them more but the idea of punishing them made him feel ill. Especially as they weren’t doing any harm, it had just been an accident, yeah he’d made a mess but it was fixable. Had taken less than a minute to clean. He remembered exactly how bad he felt every time his dad snapped at him or raised his voice. Every time he was dragged off and shoved in his room.</p>
<p>But it wasn’t just that, he was pretty sure Jake and Jamilah too had already been punished enough for a lifetime before they’d gotten there. They’d been punished for things that weren’t even bad so they had to relearn that sometimes it was ok to make a mess, to make mistakes. David actively encouraged it.</p>
<p>They’d been painting once, the three of them, Matteo hadn’t been allowed because apparently, he had no artistic talent. He’d just had to sit and watch. Then Jake had knocked over the blue paint, it went everywhere and the way he just froze there trembling was terrifying. Before Matteo could even step in to reassure him, David knocked over his own paints all over the kitchen floor. It was only poster paint, easily washable but it had looked like an alien murder scene. He’d said as much and Jamilah had laughed which set Jake off when he realised it was ok. </p>
<p>David had knelt in front of and told him that no mess he could ever make was going to make him mad. That accidents happened and it was ok. That there would be no punishments for accidents. That if he was deliberately naughty then they would talk but nothing would ever make either of them raise a hand to him. Then he’d hugged him for a long time.</p>
<p>When he was calm and happy again and off playing in the garden with Jamilah, Matteo had made David clean up all the mess he’d made, twice as much as Jake’s mess. Reminding him that his mess had not been an accident and deliberate acts of vandalism in his kitchen needed punishing. David had just blown him a kiss and gotten to work. </p>
<p>“Noah might be winding you up I think, I know you weren’t being naughty, you didn’t do it to make a mess, you were being silly, that’s ok you know?” Matteo reminded him.</p>
<p>“Ok,” Jake said, smiling weakly but at least it was a smile.</p>
<p>Matteo rubbed ice cream on his nose.</p>
<p>“Papa!” Jake exclaimed, rubbing it off furiously, smiling properly now.</p>
<p>Matteo just grinned and kissed the tip of his nose making him wriggle away from him. He put him down on the floor and handed him a bowl.</p>
<p>“I can carry both,” he said.</p>
<p>“Nope Jammy, Noah, ice cream!” he called out.</p>
<p>They came running in and Matteo handed them over to each of them.</p>
<p>“Noah I did strawberry for you ok?” he said.</p>
<p>“Yes please,” he said.</p>
<p>“You are so weird,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry Noah I like vanilla and they all hate me,” Matteo told him.</p>
<p>“Chocolate is the best,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“And where is the ice cream going?” </p>
<p>“In our tummies?” Noah checked </p>
<p>“Yes not on the walls, ceiling, or floor,” he reminded them, but he kept his tone gentle.</p>
<p>Once they’d run off he headed back into the living room, sitting back down with Jonas.</p>
<p>“Pizza off the ceiling?” Jonas asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah god they're ridiculous,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“You let them get away with everything,” Jonas said, grinning.</p>
<p>“No?” Matteo argued.</p>
<p>He knew it looked that way but that really wasn’t the case.</p>
<p>“They put pizza on the ceiling,” Hanna reminded him. </p>
<p>“What do you want me to do yell at them?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Well no but don’t you tell them off ever?” Jonas asked.</p>
<p>“If they actually were being naughty I would talk to them about it, they understand you know, if you sit them down and explain it simply they do get it, but this was just playing,” Matteo insisted.</p>
<p>Maybe he was just soft on them. But he told them when they were wrong, told them when there was certain stuff they mustn’t do. And if they did it anyway? Well, he didn’t know because so far they hadn’t ever pushed it. Noah had only ever had Jonas and Hanna to discipline him and thus the ramifications weren’t extreme. He knew they’d never be cruel. That wasn’t the case for the twins, even though they knew it would never be as bad as it once was that fear would be there for a long time to come. Matteo would rather they be naughty and unafraid than well behaved and scared.</p>
<p>“Well if we go home and Noah starts throwing pizza at the walls,” Jonas joked.</p>
<p>“What will you do?” Matteo asked curiously, the social worker in him taking over.</p>
<p>Jonas shrugged, obviously put on the spot there. As much as he joked Matteo was pretty sure Jonas was just as chill as he was. </p>
<p>“Nothing, I don’t know, give him a time out, nah just tell him not to I guess but…” he trailed off, frowning as he seemed to remember something.</p>
<p>“They didn’t do it to be bad,” Matteo reminded him, “they’re just playing, you can’t go off on them for playing. So I went up there told them they were ridiculous, told them it was bad to waste food, that’s all,” he said. “And also this was a one-off, they don’t usually eat upstairs, so really it was my fault if anything, expecting a six-year-old to be able to eat in bed without making a mess.”</p>
<p>Jonas nodded, he glanced over at Hanna who was smiling in agreement. So he was doing it right.</p>
<p>“No you’re right,” Jonas agreed, “I would do the same it’s just I don’t know it’s…”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You’re just so good at this parenting,” Hanna said, “We feel like we’re just making it up as we go along, you just seem like you have it all together. I don’t know I think if Noah flung pizza at the walls I'd get mad, no I wouldn’t but I'd be annoyed, I’ve snapped at him a lot more than I would have liked but you’re just so chill,” she said.</p>
<p>“No, I’m not. But ok one, it’s just mess you know? Who cares as long as they’re happy? But that’s the thing, you can snap at Noah, don’t do it a lot obviously but it’s normal you don’t mean it kids are annoying and it’s hard. But he can take it, I don’t have that luxury. I can’t snap at them, I cannot ever raise my voice in anger with either of them because they can’t handle that, it would do so much damage, ruin all the progress we’ve made with them you know, so it’s just something I have to be extra conscious of,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>“Noah broke a plate the other day and I swore at him couldn’t help it, I was scared he was hurt-” </p>
<p>“And that’s pretty standard, that doesn’t make you a bad parent, trust me I’ve seen bad parents and you are not that,” Matteo assured him.</p>
<p>He noticed Hanna wasn’t chipping in. He looked over at her, she was ignoring them, too focussed on Matty. He was a pretty good distraction. He smiled and turned back to Jonas.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Matteo,” Jonas said, relieved, “but you know I calmed myself pretty quick, do you know why?”</p>
<p>Matteo had no idea.</p>
<p>“Why?” he asked.</p>
<p>“I remembered this time when you were round mine we were kids and-”</p>
<p>Jake appeared in the doorway, dragging his yellow blanket behind him.</p>
<p>“Hey Jakey tired?” Matteo asked gently reaching for him, “come sit with papa till they’re done playing?”</p>
<p>Jake nodded and climbed up on his lap, settling against him. Matteo gestured for Jonas to continue.</p>
<p>“Ok so we were in the kitchen and we were being naughty,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>Matteo frowned as he tried to remember but that wasn’t too unusual for them.</p>
<p>“You were being naughty?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>She walked in and looked around the room, weighing up her options, then marched over to Hanna, taking Matty from her and handing him to Jonas, before climbing up and taking his place as Hanna sat up.</p>
<p>She didn’t seem to mind, started playing with her hair, loosening her plaits and running her fingers through it. Noah rushed in and climbed up beside her.</p>
<p>“Hi Mimmo,” Matteo whispered, waving his fingers at Matty.</p>
<p>“I’ve missed this,” Jonas murmured.</p>
<p>Matteo knew exactly what he meant.</p>
<p>“Uncle Jonas when was papa naughty?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>Even Jake pulled himself awake at that, curious to hear more. Matteo smiled and bopped him on the nose.</p>
<p>“Ok so we were probably seven or eight and I remember you’d just come back from Italy with your dad and your grandma had let you drink coffee while you were there,” Jonas reminded him.</p>
<p>Matteo did remember that, remembered feeling so fancy and grown-up that he’d been allowed to drink coffee. Obviously once his papa found out that was soon stopped. His nonna had insisted it was harmless, his papa had reminded her Matteo was just seven years old.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah and I thought it was disgusting but I wouldn’t tell you that I just pretended that I drank coffee and was cool,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I was super jealous,” Jonas told him.</p>
<p>“Can I have coffee?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>“No,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“You definitely don’t need coffee,” Hanna teased.</p>
<p>Jamilah huffed. “When can I?”</p>
<p>“When you’re fourteen.” These ages he suggested to her were always pretty arbitrary but when they got older he would be more open to discussion.</p>
<p>“Ok.” She always seemed to accept it though, trusted that he knew best. He definitely knew she shouldn’t be drinking coffee.</p>
<p>“Ok so I was super jealous and I think mum was in the garden so I decided to make some,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>“Idiot,” Hanna muttered.</p>
<p>“Yeah idiot,” Jamilah agreed.</p>
<p>“Idiot,” Noah repeated.</p>
<p>Jake just laughed.</p>
<p>“Come on,” Jonas muttered, “but I made it too hot or the cup was too hot. No, I held it by the handle and passed it to you?”</p>
<p>“Yeah the cup was too hot and I dropped it,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Do you remember what happened?” Jonas asked him.</p>
<p>He didn’t but he could guess. When his memories were blurry like that usually only one thing had happened.</p>
<p>“I freaked out?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Jonas said quietly, “you were so scared of getting told off by my mum,” he said.</p>
<p>“But she didn’t get mad?” Matteo checked.</p>
<p>He was pretty sure she wouldn’t, Katrin was always pretty patient with them as kids. She was always especially gentle with him, had him stay over as much as possible, gave him extra food. He didn’t know what she’d known of his home life but she clearly had her suspicions.</p>
<p>“No you scared the hell out of her though, you were so upset you made yourself ill, she was so nervous she didn’t want to send you home, argued with your dad about it when he showed up. She’d already calmed you down and put you to bed. I think he just left you there with us for a couple of days. I don’t know what she thought but I just thought of that and how badly you reacted and even when I swore there was this voice in my head saying don’t yell, don’t yell,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>Matteo nodded, he got exactly what he meant. His mother yelling at him and screaming around him for things he couldn’t even understand, things she herself didn’t understand had had a significant impact on him. His dad wasn’t exactly a patient man either, mostly absent but the times he had been there he’d lost it more than once with Matteo. Especially when their views on handling his mother clashed. Matteo desperate to get her help, his father desperate to just ignore it. His father always won the argument by yelling louder until Matteo was so scared he’d run away and hide in his room.</p>
<p>“I remember asking you how to do this, how to be as good as you,” Jonas said, gesturing at Noah who waved sleepily at him, “and you said to keep him happy and try my very hardest not to yell, that you knew it was probably impossible but to never shout at him, you said to try my best because, in the end, it’s as harmful as hitting, it was to you right?”</p>
<p>Matteo nodded, that was something Nina and he had gone through years ago when he was first in therapy. That he was traumatised by his childhood. Even though he’d been sure it wasn’t that bad. His father had never hit him after all. His mother had gotten physical a few times but she hadn't known what she was doing. </p>
<p>But Nina had reminded him of how sensitive he was to yelling, loud voices, even angry tones made him flinch.</p>
<p>He’d argued with her, told her he’d always hated loud noise, always preferred things quiet for as long as he could remember. There’d been times at school when he’d run off to hide from the noise of the other kids and that had been before things had started going wrong at home. She’d been ready for him though, had patiently explained the difference. That getting overwhelmed by loud noise at a party, was different from freezing or shutting down if someone raised their voice at him, or even near him. And that he was aware of that difference too because he already had coping strategies for when he got overwhelmed but the traumatic response was something much harder to cope with. </p>
<p>They’d gotten there, it had taken years to deal with and angry yelling would always set him on edge but he was able to stay calm now, get himself out of a situation like that to protect himself. Even if he wasn’t in danger it was better to just get out anyway.</p>
<p>“Papa never yells. Not even about trousers,” Jake said sleepily.</p>
<p>“Daddy yells all the time though,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>That wasn’t true, he could probably count on one hand the number of times David had raised his voice to him. And it was never in anger, frustration sometimes, not always at Matteo. He knew it wasn’t anger because he’d seen David angry, seen him rage at his parents while he stood awkwardly in the background unsure whether or not to step in. He hadn’t had to, in the end, David had happened to glance at him and deflated immediately. They’d walked out and not gone back for a while after that.</p>
<p>But that anger had never been turned on him and never on the kids. </p>
<p>Matteo had no idea how he did it, kept it in check but he’d not heard him shout like that since. No matter how heated things got with his parents he would calmly repeat to them why they were wrong. And eventually, they did start to see how rational he was and how irrational they were being. They were getting there.</p>
<p>“When?” he asked.</p>
<p>“When he’s chasing me around,” Jamilah told him.</p>
<p>Matteo laughed at her.</p>
<p>“That’s different, you mean when you’re screaming your head off and stomping about? He has to shout over you?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah! Can we watch a movie?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Or can you go to bed?” Matteo countered.</p>
<p>“To bed?” Jamilah exclaimed.</p>
<p>“Don’t you want to sleep in your new bed?” Matteo asked, knowing exactly what she’d say.</p>
<p>She looked so torn, desperate to stay awake with them in case she missed anything but also so excited to sleep in her new bed. It was getting late though and as chatty as she was he could see she was getting tired, Jake was practically asleep in his arms and Noah was not doing much better.</p>
<p>“Bedtime?” Hanna suggested gently.</p>
<p>“Ok,” she murmured, getting down from the sofa.</p>
<p>“Pyjamas?” Matteo prompted.</p>
<p>“Ok papa,” she said, holding out a hand to Noah who climbed down.</p>
<p>“Am I sleeping here?” Noah asked.</p>
<p>“You can sleep for a bit, I'll come get you when it’s time to go home,” Hanna said.</p>
<p>Noah followed Jamilah over to Jake who climbed down to join her.</p>
<p>“Can we play a little longer?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>“You can but gentle now, quiet games only,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>She nodded.</p>
<p>“We’ll play sleepy sloths,” she said.</p>
<p>“Sleepy sloths?” Noah asked.</p>
<p>“It’s gentle,” she told him, “we play it when Jake can’t sleep.”</p>
<p>“Night kids I'll be up in a few minutes ok?” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Night papa,” Jake said, rubbing his face and yawning.</p>
<p>“Night papa, night Hanna, night Jonas,” Jamila said, tugging them along.</p>
<p>“Night mum, night dad,” Noah said, following her.</p>
<p>Both the boys would be asleep in minutes, Jamilah not long after.</p>
<p>“God I wanna play sleepy sloths,” Hanna said, stretching back out on the sofa.</p>
<p>“It’s pretty easy you just lay around talking quietly, oh and I think you have to hang off the bed sometimes,” he explained.</p>
<p>“Not the top bed?” Jonas asked.</p>
<p>“Shit,” Matteo muttered, jumping up.</p>
<p>He rushed upstairs, all three of them were dressed in pyjamas, even Jake who was looking a little disgruntled and pulling at his sleeves.</p>
<p>“Don’t hang from the top bunk,” he warned them.</p>
<p>“We know,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“I mean it,” he insisted.</p>
<p>“We know papa,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Ok then good night,” he said gently, hugging her close.</p>
<p>Then he scooped Jake up and settled him in the top bed, Jamilah clambered up after him. He helped Noah up the ladder then tucked them all in. </p>
<p>He crept out of the room as Jamilah started telling both boys about sloths being the slowest mammals.</p>
<p>“Hey he’s falling asleep, Hanna said to bring him up, she’ll be asleep too when we go down,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>“Give him here,” Matteo said, taking him and carrying over to the changing table, “bedtime mi bambino,” he cooed, handling him gently enough that he barely stirred.</p>
<p>He turned to Jonas.</p>
<p>“Nervous?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he admitted, leaning against the door and running a hand through his hair.</p>
<p>“Doesn’t help that you’ve already done it once?” Matteo asked him, lifting Matty gently and taking him to the cot.</p>
<p>He tucked him in and Jonas came to stand on the other side.</p>
<p>“I really thought it would,” he said, “but I feel like I’ve already forgotten everything.”</p>
<p>“You haven’t,” Matteo assured him, “But I get you. I would be the same,” he said, reaching out and running his fingers over Matty’s face. “I remember how scared you were when Noah was born and I didn’t get it at all. When we got Jamilah and Jake we weren’t scared. But then it was different. It was difficult and we were fighting so hard for them that when it was finally all clear for them to stay it was just a relief. We were just so happy, but then they’d been staying with us on and off anyway. We were eased into it I guess,” he explained. </p>
<p>“That makes sense,” Jonas agreed. </p>
<p>Quietly they tiptoed out of Matty’s room and headed downstairs. </p>
<p>“But with Matty, that’s when I got what you meant,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I remember,” Jonas said as they walked into the living room.</p>
<p>As he’d predicted Hanna was drifting off on the sofa. Matteo got it, he was always tired at the moment. They sat down and continued the conversation quietly.</p>
<p>“It didn’t go well or smoothly like I was expecting. It started about a month before he was born although I didn’t see it for what it was at the time. I was just stressing, I was so worried and I had a lot of quiet days that month. But then when he came he was so small and so fragile and I just couldn’t believe someone would let us take him home. There was just this overwhelming feeling that I couldn’t do this and just my mind went into overdrive. I just got so scared of fucking up, I was so scared something would happen to him. I would sit up all night by his crib. I wouldn’t let the twins touch him, by the time it got really bad I wouldn’t even let David hold him. That’s when David realised I wasn’t ok. I don’t even really remember it but he says I was saying stuff like he was taking my baby away, that someone was coming to take him,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>He’d been convinced of that, he remembered that much. Absolutely certain someone was going to take Matty back and worse that David was in on it. David knew he couldn’t do it so they were sending Matty back.</p>
<p>“Jesus, was this anxiety or?”</p>
<p>“It was a lot, firstly I went about two weeks without sleeping for more than an hour a night. But yeah I think it started as anxiety over a new baby and then my brain just gets fucked up. I just start fixating? But if you think about it, Nina actually helped me rationalise this. I thought it would be easy. I am a good dad-”</p>
<p>“Matteo you’re the best dad I know,” Jonas said, grabbing his arm and squeezing it.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Matteo said earnestly, “taking care of Jamilah and Jake hasn’t been easy, it’s been hard but I know I’m good at it. I can see how happy they are, I know they’re ok. And if something’s wrong they can tell me. Mimmo can’t yet and I just got so scared. I started to panic over everything. Thinking there was all sorts wrong. He got a cold and I tried to take him to the hospital and when David wouldn’t let me that was it I just broke down, thought he was against me. It was messy,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>It had been bad. He remembered standing in the middle of the kitchen just begging David to drive them to the hospital. He remembered David gently taking Matty out of his arms and through into the other room. Settling him in his pram and asking Jamilah to watch him a moment. David had come back in and just held him, just let him rant, let him panic until he wore himself out and they both collapsed to the floor. Then he held him tighter and promised he was there and he would get through this. That they were gonna get him help. And he believed him. It was hard but it was David. In that moment he didn’t think he was ever going to be ok again but he did believe he wasn’t alone. </p>
<p>Just as he’d started to feel a bit calmer Jamilah had come back into the kitchen, pushing the pram, to tell them Matty had pooped himself. She found this absolutely hilarious.</p>
<p>“It passed?” Jonas asked, looking concerned.</p>
<p>“Not just like that. But I got help. I went back to see my therapist. I mean I was still seeing her a couple of times a year anyway. But I went to see her and we just talked it through and it was so scary because ok... amongst all my other crap I do have depression. I know it’s been a long time since I was really bad but I still get low periods. It’s like this dormant thing nowadays and sometimes it resurfaces and I need to take a bit of time. Or like right now with David being away I’m depressed. Nothing like the really bad times but I’m definitely not doing good. But it was terrifying. Because for mama she had postnatal depression, it was having me that set that off the first time and it was all because she was afraid someone was trying to hurt me and it just felt so familiar. I know it wasn’t the same but I was so scared Nina was going to say I wasn’t safe to be around the kids,” he said.</p>
<p>“Oh Matteo,” Jonas said gently.</p>
<p>Matteo sniffed and wiped his eyes.</p>
<p>“She promised me that wouldn’t happen, I wasn’t a danger to them or to myself. She got me to the doctors, I went back on meds, back to once a week appointments and slowly I started to feel better. And I’m doing ok, I see Nina once a month, Mimmo comes with me,” Matteo told him.</p>
<p>“Good,” Jonas said, relieved.</p>
<p>“But it’s scary having that responsibility. David was super nervous too but with my anxiety and my doubts, you know? It was inevitable. So what I'm saying is, if you get scared its fine, Hanna will be too right? We’re all just figuring this thing out, how to take care of these tiny lives but look at us we’re doing a good job. The kids are happy, we’re winning at this,” Matteo told him.</p>
<p>It had passed, with effort and hard work they’d got through it together. He was confident again, he knew he was a good dad. His kids were happy and loved, there was nothing more he could want.</p>
<p>“We are, I'm nervous but I'm so excited, I'm having a baby, we’re having a baby,” Jonas whispered, like it was finally sinking in.</p>
<p>“You’re a great dad Jonas,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>Jonas leant against Matteo and pulled him close. Matteo squeezed him back tight.</p>
<p>“God thirty years, we’ve been best friends for thirty years,” Jonas whispered. “And now our kids are best friends. And Matty can be best friends with the new baby.” </p>
<p>“They can,” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>“I used to worry you know?”</p>
<p>“About what?” Matteo asked him, pulling back and frowning.</p>
<p>“I used to think we’d drift apart,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>“When?”</p>
<p>“When you met David,” he said.</p>
<p>Matteo snorted.</p>
<p>“Seriously Matteo, like I knew you guys were it, you were going to get married and live this dream life and I just worried about where I would fit you know?” Jonas asked.</p>
<p>“You are so dumb,” Matteo said, punching him on the arm.</p>
<p>“I know,” Jonas said.</p>
<p>“You are my best friend, my oldest friend. Jonas, you made friends with me when no other kids would talk to me. Even though I was weird, even though I was scared of you at first and then super annoying as soon as I trusted you. You’re the first person that ever got me and you’ll always be so important to me. I promise we’ll still be best friends in thirty years when we’re having this same talk about our grandchildren,” Matteo promised.</p>
<p>Jonas just chuckled and leant back against the sofa.</p>
<p>“Grandkids? God Matteo don’t make me feel old,” he whined.</p>
<p>Matteo started to laugh too. But he could see it. The future looked good. He was excited. There were good times to come. Their little family was about to gain a new member and they were going to give her a future and there was nothing better Matteo could imagine.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Coming up next week:</p>
<p>difficult phonecalls, nightmares, arguments, but resolution, comfort and sisterly love too.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. from the other side of this wire i'll chase away your monsters</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>If David thought the other day, when Jake broke down over breakfast was hard, it was nothing compared to this. His son, his little Jakey needed him now more than ever and he was six thousand miles away. How was he supposed to chase the nightmares away over the phone? How was he supposed to reassure Jake that everything was ok when he wasn't there to cuddle him? How long could he keep this up? Not much longer that was for sure. David didn't care anymore, he loved Francis, loved his work but by the end of the week, he would be home. No more delays. Nothing was going to get in his way this time.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is David's last chapter in LA, he'll be home soon where he's desperately needed. However, this chapter goes into Jake's background a little, there's talk of nightmares and discussion of his past before he came to live with David and Matteo. It's not graphic, explicit or detailed, just very sad and a little heavy. But Jake is safe and happy, and he knows it, he just needs a little extra help.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a busy weekend for David too, he was so exhausted he was genuinely considering blowing off Francis and Maria and the late dinner they had planned that evening. He wasn’t going to, of course, he was looking forward to seeing them. He suddenly didn’t have as much time now that he was getting ready to go home and he wouldn’t be able to see them as much in the next few days. </p><p>He was actually starting to feel almost sad now he knew he was going. Not sad but he was definitely going to miss them. He wanted to spend as much time with them as possible before he left. They were the reason his time in LA hadn’t been completely miserable. They'd hung out with him even when he was grumpy, kept him entertained knowing distraction was the best tactic. Stopped him from spending all his time locked away in his apartment moping about the situation.</p><p>Francis had shown him all over California, in the little downtime he’d had. They’d started local, exploring LA, the neighbourhoods where he’d grown up. It was great to see how his childhood had shaped him. The places he’d hung out with his friends, a lot of old abandoned buildings which were right up David’s street. Francis and his friends really had been living wild. It was an amazing contrast to the domestic guy he now was.</p><p>They did a ton of tourist stuff too, including the two of them going to Disneyland no kids in tow, both of them being told off by their respective children when they’d found out. Jamilah had been outraged, she actually used the word audacity and then glared at him when he laughed at her. He’d had to promise to bring her back when Matty was old enough for them to all enjoy it.</p><p>They’d taken a few road trips a little further afield. One weekend they’d flown up to San Francisco, that had been amazing, taking in all the history. It was a very different city to what he was used to and he wanted to bring Matteo back there one day, knew he’d love the atmosphere. Really it looked like there was a big family trip on the horizon. </p><p>They’d gone out to see shows, twice David had watched Francis perform and was just as blown away as he always was. Francis was the most talented musician he’d ever met and he understood exactly why all those music houses wanted him. Why everyone wanted to know his story. A story in which, with the support of his friends and his found family he built himself up from nothing and he made it.</p><p>Then there was also the time he’d gone shopping with Maria, that had been the most extravagant thing he’d ever done. They’d gone out for fancy food, visited stores he’d never dreamt of with price tags he certainly wasn’t dropping money on. He’d never shopped like that, Matteo wouldn’t entertain him but at heart, David enjoyed it immensely. He liked buying stuff for others, loved spoiling Matteo and the kids. </p><p>Maria had shown him the best vintage shops though, so he was able to get plenty of gifts for his dear husband. It had been a lot of fun for both of them but it wasn’t really his lifestyle. Not something he could do on a regular basis. Neither was it Maria’s she’d lived in LA her whole life and never went to those places usually.</p><p>As much as he complained about missing home, which he did, he’d had a lot of fun with those two and would absolutely miss them once he’d gone home. They’d done their very best to both keep him busy and provide somewhere he could feel a little more at home. He would appreciate their last few days together.</p><p>That morning he’d woken up early as usual but the past couple of days he’d felt excited, restless in a different way than he had these past three months. Before he’d just been exhausted and lonely, tired but unable to sleep. Now he was practically bouncing. He wanted nothing more than to call up Matteo and tell him the news. And he would, he’d tell him tomorrow once he’d booked his flights.</p><p>Instead, he’d gone running to try and burn off some energy but he still couldn’t calm down. When he’d gotten back he’d ended up deep cleaning the entire apartment. Done all the laundry and packed half his clothes. He’d cleared out the fridge of anything perishable he wasn’t going to eat. Matteo would be proud of how organised he was being. Usually, he was the one who was nagging him to pack. He just found it so tedious, he travelled a lot and after missing his family, packing was the worst. He was guilty of leaving it to Matteo to sort out on more than one occasion.</p><p>David had acquired a lot more stuff since getting there, now had about twice as much as he’d arrived with. He’d boxed up all the other stuff he seemed to have accumulated, books, records, art supplies, a new camera he absolutely didn’t need. So many gifts for the kids, and of course Matteo. He still needed to get something for Alex, he was hoping Matteo could give him some insight tomorrow and he would have enough time to get something. He was going to drop off the boxes to be shipped back in the next few days but he should have time.</p><p>He was just about to leave and head over to Francis’ when his phone rang. The screen said Matteo and he frowned. He hadn’t been expecting him to call until later when he was getting the kids ready. He would always take the time to answer him but it was early in the morning over there in Berlin. Definitely too early for Matteo to be up. He wondered if he was struggling to sleep, gone from oversleeping to not sleeping enough. He hoped he wasn’t stressing too much, knew he was nervous about Alex coming.</p><p>David considered telling him the news on the off chance it would help him sleep a little longer. He wanted to wait until he had his tickets though. He decided to just see what was wrong and answered the phone. “Hey, Matteo.”</p><p>“Daddy?” Jake whispered.</p><p>He wasn’t expecting Jake to answer. At all. If it was too early for Matteo to be up it was way too early for Jake. His son should be tucked up in bed right now, sleeping peacefully. It was the early hours of Monday morning and he had school in a few hours.</p><p>“Hey, Jakey what's up? Are you ok?” David asked him, already on high alert and worried about his son.</p><p>Jake sniffled. “I miss you, daddy.” He was crying, David could tell and it hurt so bad.</p><p>He sighed, certain this was the hardest thing he’d ever done. He just wanted to hug his son, comfort him. How the hell could he do that when he was so far away?</p><p>“Is papa asleep?” He wondered how Jake had gotten the phone, he must have snuck into their bedroom so why didn’t he wake Matteo?</p><p>“Everyone’s asleep,” Jake whispered.</p><p>David was concerned now, didn't like the idea of Jake being awake by himself, scared and alone. But he couldn’t call Matteo to wake him up because Jake was on the phone.</p><p>“Jakey where are you?” David asked, trying to figure out how he could get ahold of Matteo without hanging up on Jake.</p><p>“I’m in the hallway, outside papa’s room,” Jake said.</p><p>“Are you ok?” David asked again.</p><p>Jake just sniffled. “I’m so scared,” he whispered, voice shaking and trembling.</p><p>David closed his eyes and wiped away the tears that had started falling as soon as he’d answered the phone. “Nightmare?” he asked gently. This was not something easy to do from a distance, Jake was calling him for comfort and he just couldn't give it. All he wanted right now was to hug his son, hold him close and chase away the monsters. He couldn’t do that and he felt like the worst father in the world. He knew deep down that wasn’t true but he couldn’t help how he felt. </p><p>“Yeah,” Jake said.</p><p>Right now this wasn’t about him, his son was afraid and there was someone there who could comfort him. “Ok sweetheart, go wake papa ok?” David said gently. He knew he couldn't be there properly for his son but Matteo could be.</p><p>“I can’t,” Jake said, still sniffling, he was trying to stay quiet, trying not to cry and David felt ill with it all. How many times had they tried to assure him it was ok to cry, that he didn’t have to be silent? How many more times would they have to?</p><p>“Why not Jakey?” David asked.</p><p>“I wet the bed,” Jake mumbled.</p><p>David sighed again, feeling so helpless but he needed to pull himself together, Jake needed him. Yes, this was hard for him, being away but he needed to be there for him. He took a deep breath and tried to stay calm, trying not to panic. He knew now why Jake hadn’t woken Matteo, why he probably wasn’t going to and it was very likely that David was going to have to hang up on Jake to try and get hold of his husband.</p><p>“Jakey it’s ok,” he promised.</p><p>“No! It’s the new bed! Everyone is going to be mad at me,” Jake insisted, getting louder in his panic. David hated that his son was scared but he knew Matteo would have heard that if Jake was just outside the door like he’d said.</p><p>“No one is going to be mad,” David said, trying to reassure him. </p><p>They’d never once been mad at him in the two years he’d lived with them and yet he always expected it. Every slight thing that went wrong and he still expected it, usually only for a couple of seconds but at night, in the dark, when he was all alone it was very hard to convince him no one was mad.</p><p>Jake just started to cry, quietly whimpering. David heard a door opening and then Matteo’s voice in the background and he finally relaxed a little. It was going to be ok. “Jake where are you? Jakey?” Matteo called out, not loud but loud enough for David to hear. “Hey Jakey I’m here, please don’t cry,” he whispered, closer now. </p><p>There was some rustling down the line and he could still hear Jake crying but he trusted Matteo to handle this.</p><p>“Hello? David? Are you on the line?”</p><p>“Hey,” David said.</p><p>“Ok give me a minute, hold on, oh and hey,” Matteo said, then there was a lot more rustling and movement.</p><p>David assumed he’d pocketed the phone. He sat back on the sofa and texted Francis that he was going to be a bit late. That he would explain when he got there. Francis would get it. He wasn't going anywhere until he knew Jake was ok. He would cancel dinner if necessary because right now his son was in distress and needed him more. While he was waiting for Matteo to come back he took a deep shuddering breath and let the tears fall.</p><p>Everything had been going well, he’d been excited to be getting ready to go back. This had hit him out of nowhere. If he’d thought Jake and Jamilah getting upset in the kitchen the other week had been hard, it was nothing compared to this. This had been the worst night he’d had since arriving and the only thing keeping him going was the fact he was going home at the end of the week. Nothing was stopping him now. He was done. They needed him more.</p><p>A few minutes later Matteo came back on the phone. “Hey, I’m here.”</p><p>“Hey, all ok?” David asked, still panicking.</p><p>“David, he’s ok, are you ok?”</p><p>“No,” David whispered.</p><p>“Jake is ok I promise, we’re going to have bath time aren’t we Jakey?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Jake whispered, his voice barely audible.</p><p>“You’ve been lying to me,” David said quietly, trying to stay calm but it was too late, he was mad.</p><p>“No David I’ve been-”</p><p>“Don’t you dare! Matteo, I deserve to know what’s going on with my son!” he snapped, he didn’t yell but it was pretty damn close. He got up and began to pace the room. Trying to stay calm. It would be really shitty of him to yell at Matteo right now. He wasn’t really mad at him, he was mad at the situation. He knew exactly why Matteo had been keeping things from him. It didn't make it ok.</p><p>“You can't do anything David you’re not here,” Matteo said, clearly upset.</p><p>David wanted nothing more than to stop pushing him but he couldn’t help it. “I don’t fucking care,” he muttered.</p><p>“Ok ok,” Matteo mumbled, “it’s ok Jakey I’m ok,” he said.</p><p>David tried to remember that Jake was there too, it helped him calm down, he felt his anger fading. As unfair as all this was it was still ultimately about Jake right now. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.</p><p>“I know, I was just trying to protect you,” Matteo said.</p><p>David had known that, knew exactly where he was coming from too. Couldn’t say he wouldn’t have done the same thing if the situation was reversed. He understood exactly what Matteo’s thought process had been.</p><p>“Well don't,” he said, trying to keep his voice calm.</p><p>“How would knowing help? It would hurt you,” Matteo reasoned.</p><p>He was right too, he had no idea how he would’ve handled months of this. Knew he could say now, with only days to go, that he deserved to know. But with months to go? How painful would it have been to know that Jake was at home crying, not sleeping?</p><p>“I needed to know Matteo, I know why you did it but it’s not ok,” he said.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Matteo said again, he sounded so sad and David needed to reassure him they were ok.</p><p>“I know,” he said gently.</p><p>“I don’t know what to do when you’re not here,” Matteo admitted.</p><p>“I know, I get it Matteo but I need you to talk to me,” David said, he needed to know exactly what was going on.</p><p>“It’s been bad, he’s having nightmares most nights, bad ones,” Matteo finally admitted.</p><p>“Jesus Matteo,” David whispered.</p><p>“He needs you here, I’m sorry but he needs you, it’s been bad since you left, really bad,” Matteo told him. </p><p>David went back to the couch and sat down heavily. He just wanted to curl up and cry for hours. This was all his fault. How could he have done this to Jake? “Oh god,” he whispered.</p><p>“I’m sorry David, I’m so sorry,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It’s not your fault,” David said, he knew exactly who’s fault it was.</p><p>“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I didn’t want to make it harder for you while you were away,” Matteo said.</p><p>God, he felt exhausted, he felt absolutely drained. “I know, I know why you did it but you were wrong,” he said.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I forgive you I’m not mad,” David said, knowing he needed to reassure Matteo, he hated fighting with Matteo. It didn’t happen often and when it did it was over things like this, a breakdown in communication. </p><p>“Sounded mad,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“I was panicking, you can’t keep these things from me, I’m not mad at you,” David said.</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo said.</p><p>“We’re ok,” David said.</p><p>“I love you,” Matteo said, phrasing it like a question as if he was worried David wouldn’t say it back. He couldn’t have that.</p><p>“I love you, Matteo, so much. I’m not mad and I love you and I understand why you were protecting me, we’re ok,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah ok,” Matteo said. They were ok.</p><p>“We are,” David repeated, making sure he hammered the point home. “I promise, is Jake ok?”</p><p>“Yeah he’s here, we put his blanket on to wash, stop it getting smelly and now we’re just waiting for the bath. Sparkle’s here too, the new unicorn we got from Ikea, she’s a bit smelly but we don’t want her going in the wash so she’s going to get a bath. Jake’s sleepy but he doesn't want to go back to bed, do you Jakey?</p><p>“No,” Jake mumbled, David could barely hear him.</p><p>“Shall we tell daddy about your new bed? And Sparkle? And how Uncle Jonas can’t make furniture, and Auntie Hanna’s having a baby? Noah’s getting a little brother or sister? And Alex’s lovely room? Let’s talk to daddy while we wait for the bath hm?” Matteo said, his voice so soft, so gentle it had to be calming for Jake.</p><p>He hoped so, he hoped Matteo was holding him tight for both of them.</p><p>“Ok,” Jake said, he was still quiet but he was no longer crying.</p><p>“Do you want to hold the phone? No? It’s ok sweetheart, let’s just wait for the bath,” Matteo said.</p><p>David could hear Matteo continuing to speak to Jake but he couldn’t make out what he was saying, he tried not to get frustrated.</p><p>“Jake? Matteo am I on speaker?” David asked.</p><p>“No, hold on… ok, you are now.” They were still in the bathroom, David could tell from the echo of his voice.</p><p>“Jake?”</p><p>“Hey daddy,” Jake said.</p><p>“I love you ok? And I’m glad you called me, it’s always ok to call. And I promise you’re absolutely not in trouble,” he said.</p><p>“You are absolutely not,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“But the bed?”</p><p>“It can be cleaned don’t worry, I’ll clean it later ok? It wasn’t your fault,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“Ok,” Jake said.</p><p>“Ok, I'm propping the phone on the windowsill. You should still be able to hear. Jakey’s going to have a nice warm bath,” Matteo told him.</p><p>David smiled as he heard splashing and finally giggling as Jake relaxed in the bath.</p><p>“Daddy?”</p><p>“Yes, Jakey?”</p><p>“I have a new cuddly toy, she’s a unicorn and I got her from Ikea with the bed. Her name is Sparkle, she’s having a bath with me. We got a dragon for Alex but he doesn’t have a name yet.”</p><p>“That’s nice though, I’m sure Alex will love him,” David said.</p><p>“And... and… Jammy tried to pretend she didn’t want a toy. That she was too old!”</p><p>“Did she really?” Silly girl, she was always going to be their little girl.</p><p>“I think Jamilah thinks she needs to act older, with Alex coming, doesn't want her to think she’s a baby,” Matteo explained.</p><p>That made a lot of sense, Jamilah probably thought Alex wouldn’t want to play with her because she was too young. He didn’t know how likely that was but whatever happened Alex was going to treat her like she was younger because she was, it was inevitable. Didn’t mean they couldn’t be close. Laura always treated him like he was a child when they were both teenagers and there were only four years between them. She still loved him fiercely though. </p><p>He remembered when he was thirteen and he got mud on her homework after football and she’d called him a gross little boy who’d never used a sponge or soap in his life. Then in the next minute had raged at their mother when she’d questioned his love of football as part of this tomboy phase he was going through. Reminded her loudly it was not a phase and he was old enough and mature enough to know this, why couldn't she? Apparently to seventeen-year-old Laura he was old enough to understand that he was trans, but not old enough to bathe. Even though he was. She was just overreacting about the mud.</p><p>“So Jammy didn’t get a toy?” he asked.</p><p>“No! And then she cried when we got in the car,” Jake said.</p><p>“Oh no! What happened then?”</p><p>“Papa gave her a secret toy! He gave her a soft pink elephant,” Jake said, he sounded so happy now. David just smiled. Jake was ok, he would be back in a few days. Matteo could take care of him until then, could keep him safe and happy until he was back.</p><p>“Does the elephant have a name?”</p><p>“Yes his name is Trumpet,” Jake told him.</p><p>“That’s lovely, I can’t wait to meet them all when I come home,” David said.</p><p>“We’ve decided we don’t want to go back to bed so we’re going to make a cake for Alex, early morning baking,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Oh that’ll be fun, cake is fun,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jake said and David could just tell he was smiling.</p><p>There was a lot of splashing and David could hear Matteo’s low voice, he was speaking in hushed and comforting tones. He knew this tone, it had brought him out of his head so many times, gotten him through many anxious and stressful times.</p><p>“Ok Jakey?” David said just as softly</p><p>Jake just giggled and splashed the water.</p><p>“You doing ok Jake?” Matteo said.</p><p>“I got scared,” Jake said.</p><p>“I know sweetheart, it’s ok,” David said.</p><p>“When will I stop getting scared?” Jake asked them.</p><p>That hurt because wasn’t that their responsibility? To keep him safe and happy. But how did they keep him safe from this?</p><p>“I don’t know sweetheart but… we’ll figure it out I promise, no one is going to hurt you,” David promised.</p><p>“Ok, can I call you back in five minutes? We’re gonna get dry and dress in our cosiest pyjamas and we’ll call you back. No wait are you going out?” Matteo asked as he remembered his plans.</p><p>“Still call me,” David insisted.</p><p>“Not if you’re driving,” Matteo argued.</p><p>“No I’ll wait, please call back. I've told Francis I'll be late,” David said.</p><p>“Ok, ok, five minutes,” Matteo said, hanging up on him.</p><p>It was stupid, he would only get to speak for another five minutes but he wanted to. He needed to, he needed to know Jake was definitely ok. It would only take him about twenty minutes to get to Francis’ anyway. And they would get it.</p><p>While he waited he folded a few more shirts and put them in his case. The suitcase was almost full. He wasn’t sure how he had so much more clothing than he’d arrived with. He blamed Maria, they’d been shopping a lot, mostly because he’d been bored and she’d wanted to entertain him. </p><p>Not all of it was for him. He had three brightly printed sweaters he’d seen that were perfect for Matteo. Tiny board shorts with a sunflower print on them for Jake. The cutest tartan print dungarees for Jamilah. Cute brightly coloured rompers for Matty. These weren't even the gifts just things he’d seen when he’d been wandering around to pass the time. He’d definitely have to ship all this back. He figured he could get it to arrive when he was already there and then they could open it together. That would be fun.</p><p>He looked around at the almost empty apartment. He was more than ready to go. He was needed at home. He couldn't stay any longer.</p><p>His phone rang again. A video call this time.</p><p>David answered and he was immediately greeted by Jake pressed very close to the screen. He was in the kitchen, up on the counter. He was smiling now, a little tentative, a little smaller, but it was a smile. He looked cosy in his dinosaur onesie, the hood up around his face. David just wanted to give him a cuddle. He would give him so many cuddles when he got home.</p><p>“Hi daddy,” he said, “Papa says to be quick, that you have to go,” he said.</p><p>“I’m going to dinner at Francis’ in a minute but I always have time for you. Are you ok?” David asked him, “is papa with you?”</p><p>“He’s in the cupboard,” Jake said.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“He’s looking for a mixy thing,” Jake said.</p><p>“Ok,” David said, chuckling, “but are you ok Jake?”</p><p>“I had a bad nightmare,” Jake said quietly, “I couldn’t get out,” he whispered.</p><p>“Of the cupboard?” David asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jake whispered</p><p>He had a lot of nightmares in dark cupboards, dark spaces. They both knew exactly why that was.</p><p>“Was it dark? In your room?” David checked.</p><p>“We forgot the nightlight, we left it in Alex’s room in the move,” Matteo explained, coming to stand behind Jake and wrapping his arms around him, “sorry Jakey,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to his cheek.</p><p>“S’ok.” He smiled up at his papa. </p><p>“We’ll get the nightlight back in your room,” Matteo promised him.</p><p>“Ok,” Jake said.</p><p>“We need to get him help,” David said.</p><p>Now probably wasn’t the time to talk about this. Four in the morning their time and him about to go out to dinner. But it felt important to do this now. This wasn’t going away and Jake was suffering. </p><p>He’d been assessed by a child therapist when he first moved in and they were warned about this, it didn’t look like they could put it off. Not that that’s what they’d been doing. They hadn’t ignored it all. Jake was happy, during the day he was happy. But he was anxious too, whatever horrors from his nightmares and memories that plagued him spilt over into his waking hours.</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>David wasn’t even surprised that he’d agreed. When it came to Jake’s happiness they were on the same page. It had to come first.</p><p>“Help?” Jake asked them.</p><p>“You know Nina? My therapist? She helps me with my mood and when I get stressed, like how I got stressed when Matty was born? She helps me manage that. And when I was younger she taught me all these ways to cope with stuff, like when I get overwhelmed, when I need quiet and I sink down to the floor? And you know to be quiet when I do that. When I was younger, before you came along, I would leave the room. But I can’t do that now, I can’t leave you alone and I don’t want to. And I don’t want you to have to be quiet but sometimes I need that and she told me that was ok. Does any of that make any sense? Sorry I got off track, Jakey,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>David watched Jake nod slowly, knowing he probably got about ten percent of that. He was only six after all. Matteo tended to forget that when he was rambling or trying to explain things like that. He was trying to reassure Jake it wasn’t a bad thing, that it was something he needed too.</p><p>“When you go on the floor because your brain is all buzzy?” Jake asked.</p><p>“That’s right, but ok what I’m trying to say is before I would ignore it and it would hurt me. Or I would get so sad because I wasn’t talking about things, Nina helped me with that,” Matteo said.</p><p>Jake nodded again but he looked pretty confused. Matteo had forgotten that he was probably too young to put things together. David knew what Matteo was talking about, it was hard for him to simplify but Jake couldn’t follow along like that, couldn’t guess where he was going, especially when he didn’t even know what therapy was.</p><p>“There are people like Nina who can help children with their nightmares,” Matteo explained finally.</p><p>Jake just blinked, lip wobbling, immediately upset. It was so hard to do this but it had to be done. That’s why Matteo had gone about it in a roundabout way. Hoping that if Jake knew his papa did this too he would know it was ok.</p><p>“Oh,” he whispered.</p><p>“Will you let me take you?” Matteo asked him.</p><p>“Do I have to?” Jake asked.</p><p>“No, not right now but if this doesn’t stop… you don’t have to have the nightmares, Jake,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>Jake frowned at that, confused. “But I was bad?”</p><p>“What?” David whispered, dreading his answer.</p><p>He knew what he was going to say and he absolutely didn't want to hear it. But he had to. Matteo looked just as terrified as he felt.</p><p>“When I was smaller I was bad. It’s why I have the nightmares,” Jake said.</p><p>And that’s what he believed. David held the phone tight as his hands shook. He watched Matteo pick Jake up, he could still see everything, could see Matteo holding him close, squeezing him tight. He watched them walk around the kitchen Matteo rocking Jake as he went. He’d always done that, ever since he’d come to them, would do it until Jake was too big to carry.</p><p>“Matteo? Come back please,” David insisted.</p><p>Matteo did and crouched down so they were both in the frame.</p><p>“You are not naughty,” David said, firmly, “you are not bad. You are not being punished. We can make the nightmares go away,” he promised.</p><p>“Jake you have never been bad, never,” Matteo said.</p><p>Jake just buried his head against Matteo’s shoulder, letting himself be rocked.</p><p>David made eye contact with Matteo, surprisingly he was calm. His eyes were shining from that revelation and he was clearly devastated by it. But he was calm. This sort of thing should panic him but it hadn’t. David got it. They’d made a decision. They were going to fix this. They were going to take away Jake’s pain. Their son was safe with them, and everything would be ok. So he was calm. They could sort this. It wouldn't be easy but they could sort it. </p><p>David would probably be calmer if he was there. If he had Jake in his arms. He felt a little panicky but it would pass. </p><p>“When you get home,” Matteo said softly, talking to him, knowing exactly what he was thinking. “When daddy gets home we’ll find you some help,” he said.</p><p>Just like everything they would work this out together. Everything would be fine.</p><p>“Will you come with me?” Jake said.</p><p>“We both will,” Matteo insisted. “You never have to do things alone Jakey,” he promised.</p><p>“Are you going to stay awake?” David asked, noting how sleepy Jake had gotten.</p><p>“Yeah we’ll make the cake in a minute,” Matteo said, “we’ll just take it easy though.”</p><p>“Ok shoot, I really have to go,” David said, checking the time.</p><p>“Wait! Daddy! Wait!” Jake said, blinking himself awake. There was no chance of David hanging up until the conversation was finished so if Jake had more to say he would stay on the line. “I'm getting glasses, purple ones!” Jake told him, pulling away from Matteo to get closer to the screen.</p><p>“You are?” David asked.</p><p>“Yes! To help me read,” Jake told him.</p><p>“Guess who else needs glasses?” Matteo said.</p><p>Jake started to giggle and Matteo shifted him on to his hip.</p><p>“Jamilah?” David guessed, trying to figure out why Jake was grinning so much.</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>“Aw Matty?” he suggested, just imagining Matty with tiny glasses. Those tiny ones that looked like swimming goggles, with straps rather than arms.</p><p>“Nope,” Matteo said, grinning now.</p><p>That only left... “You?” His husband in glasses? Now there was a thought. Somedays Matteo dressed with this certain academic quality, he didn’t know if it was the sweaters or the slightly too long hair but glasses would certainly complete that look.</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo said, blushing and ducking his head at the look David was giving him.</p><p>“Oh my god,” David whispered.</p><p>“Just for reading and close up work. Neither of them would do the damn test unless I went first and the optician was like ok let's do a “test” on papa first,” Matteo said, doing the air quotes with his free hand, “and then he was like, hold on a second are you actually trying? I was trying but my eyes are too old,” he explained.</p><p>“You’re gonna get glasses?” David asked.</p><p>“Yeah, nothing fancy, I got those clear frames, I like those, we can pick them up in the week,” Matteo said, a small grin on his face.</p><p>“You’ll look so hot,” David said.</p><p>“No,” he whispered, still red.</p><p>Jake patted his pink cheeks. “We’ll look smart daddy.”</p><p>“Because we are smart,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“Yeah!” Jake cheered.</p><p>David was still distracted thinking of Matteo in glasses. He would look so good, he could definitely pull it off. He was just imagining it now. Matteo in the kitchen cooking or helping the kids with homework. Book in one hand, his hair swept back out of his face. With glasses perched on his nose, highlighting those cheekbones, slightly magnifying those blue eyes of his. He’d be wearing a light shirt or maybe a sweater, with sleeves rolled up, showing off his strong but gentle, careful arms. David loved those arms, loved to run his fingers over them, tracing the ink patterns there watching the skin prickle under his fingers and-  </p><p>“Go eat David,” Matteo whispered, his face very red as if he knew exactly what David was thinking. Damn, he’d been away to long, he was getting carried away over the thought of a pair of glasses.</p><p>David just blew him a kiss.</p><p>“Yes dear husband,” he said, “both of you have good days, especially you Jakey, you have the best day. I love you so much ok?”</p><p>Jake nodded, smiling widely, so calm and happy. Safe with his papa. David felt calmer now too. It would be ok. He smiled at them a moment longer then hung up. </p><p>He was really late now and as much as he wanted to stay on the phone he had to go. He didn’t want to be alone in the apartment right now. Francis and Maria would understand. They would take care of him right now.</p><p> </p><p>David loved Francis and Maria's apartment. It was nothing fancy or over the top like it could have been, like a lot of the apartments he’d seen when he’d been looking for somewhere to stay. This was just a regular apartment, comfortable and homey. Nothing pretentious about it. And David loved it because it reminded him of his own home. It was because it was lived in. Because it was a family home, Francis, Maria and their twin girls Andrea and Sofia. And for some reason, they kept letting David in.</p><p>It helped ease the loneliness somewhat. They probably knew that. Maria had told him several times she hated the idea of him all alone in his rental. That he was welcome over any time.</p><p>Most people when they came to LA wanted to see the sights and the nightlife. He was here for work true but he did have some time off. He had been out and about. He and Francis had gone on helicopter tour the other day, that had been cool. He’d gone surfing a lot and hadn’t been too bad at it, probably out of stubbornness. He’d, of course, toured the movie places because he couldn’t call himself a director if he didn't. But mostly he frequented the parks and the beaches, finding a quiet spot to just chill and relax.</p><p>His favourite thing to do though was family dinner nights at Casa Garcia.</p><p>He was genuinely happy to come over and just hang out, just be with this loud welcoming family. And of course, the two little monsters who insisted he read them German bedtime stories even though they didn’t understand it. But apparently, it sounded hilarious and they laughed the entire time at how funny he sounded.</p><p>When he got there Francis opened the door and David almost broke down. Francis just wrapped him up in a hug that he so desperately needed right now. Didn’t question him until he’d calmed down. When he had, he apologised to both of them and told them everything that had just happened. They got it immediately, he’d barely had to explain. They were parents they understood. The girls were already tucked up in bed so they went straight to the kitchen so Francis could feed them while he talked through what had happened.</p><p>“So I guess we’ve got to find him a therapist,” David told them, taking a sip of the beer Maria had handed him.</p><p>“It’s for the best though,” Francis assured him.</p><p>“I just feel a bit like I’ve failed him,” David confessed.</p><p>Maria placed a salad on the table. “Why?” she asked, reaching out and squeezing his arm. She was a kind woman, Maria, reminded him a lot of Laura. Tiny and dark-haired, she could be fierce and often was with Francis but she could be so gentle too, when the situation called for it.</p><p>“Because… ok, this has always been a thing but it was me leaving that seems to have made it worse. Before I left the nightmares had gone down to just every now and then, now its almost every day again, I’ve undone all the progress we’ve made,” David said.</p><p>“Don’t be silly,” Francis said, placing a glass dish of a cheesy looking casserole in front of him while Maria put down plates, “this is pastelone, my darling mother-in-law taught me how to make this,” he said, ducking out of the way as Maria tried to pinch him.</p><p>“She used to teach me everything till he moved in with us, then it was all ‘oh Maria! Francis is such a good cook, there is no point teaching you, you will be well looked after with this one’,” she joked.</p><p>Francis had found acceptance and a family with Maria’s parents that he hadn't had for a long time. His in-laws absolutely loved him, he’d lived there with them for years after graduating and moving back to the states. It was in part due to the travel that came with his job but also just the fact they wanted him there. They’d only moved out when they needed more space for the kids and they were still only ten minutes away from them. </p><p>It was a cultural thing for them, to stay with parents for as long as they needed and it was why it had hurt Francis so much for him to be rejected. He should’ve been able to stay there until he was ready, was pretty much expecting to live with his family until he married, possibly even longer. It’s not that he necessarily wanted to, he was an independent guy but it should have been an option for him. His own grandparents had still been living with them in the family home it was how he’d grown up.   </p><p>So it had hurt but now he had a new family and he was happier than ever.</p><p>“What is it?” David asked, knowing whatever it was it would be delicious.</p><p>“Spiced beef and plantains, cheese on top, try it,” Francis said.</p><p>He did and as suspected it was amazing, the perfect combination of sweet and savoury. Absolutely divine. He knew Francis had already emailed Matteo recipes for everything he’d made for David during his stay. He was glad because he didn’t want to leave this fantastic food behind.</p><p>“It’s absolutely delicious,” David told him earnestly.</p><p>Francis grinned, proud of himself.</p><p>“Now let’s circle back to this bullshit about Jake’s nightmare’s being your fault?” he said.</p><p>David sighed. He was probably being irrational but with Jake’s abandonment issues he felt like leaving him behind was hurting him.</p><p>“I left him behind, he’s so scared of that, Francis he was locked in cupboards and forgotten about before he came to us, that’s literally how they found him,” David told them, shuddering at the thought of that. It did no good to dwell on the past but sometimes he couldn’t help it. Sometimes, like right now it came back to the forefront of his mind and he couldn’t stop thinking about it.</p><p>When he’d brought Jake home, Matteo hadn’t even told him the full story at first, knowing how angry he would be. But he could also he could barely talk about it, he’d found it so distressing. When the nightmares had first become a problem he’d told him everything that had happened, how a neighbour had alerted them to the problems at Jake’s house. How they’d stepped in when said neighbour reported that Jake hadn't been seen in a couple of weeks. Matteo had gone in and rescued him. Brought him home to them and made sure he was safe.</p><p>Of course, it hadn’t been that straightforward, it was far more complicated than that. There were the many hoops they’d had to jump through but that was the short version of it. It was only supposed to be temporary, just like Jamilah, it was decided that because Jake felt safe with Matteo and they were registered foster carers it would do him more harm than good to place him somewhere else while everything got sorted. And he was safe with them and they’d never let him go after that. How could they?</p><p>They’d found him in a kitchen cupboard, a police officer had found him and called Matteo into the room. The door was held shut by a chair. There was no adult in sight. They still didn’t know how long he’d been in there, Jake too young to have any concept of time, his birth parents confessing to nothing when they’d tracked them down. But it had been days not hours and for it to impact him so severely it became abundantly clear that this wasn’t a one-off occasion.</p><p>“Ok one that is disgusting, horrifying, and should never have happened but how can you even think it’s the same?” Maria asked, squeezing his hand.</p><p>“I know it’s not but does he?” David worried.</p><p>“Of course he does, ok he is very obviously missing you a lot, but he knows it’s different,” Francis insisted.</p><p>“David who comforts him usually when he has a nightmare?” Maria asked.</p><p>“Both of us,” David said.</p><p>“But who does he come to?” she asked.</p><p>“Me,” David said.</p><p>Ever since he’d first moved in Jake had come to him when he was afraid. Unlike Jamilah who had been wary of him, there was none of that reluctance with Jake. He was clingy with both of them, hadn’t grown out of his need to be held yet but when he was afraid he came to David. He would creep into their room and curl up on David’s side of the bed in the middle of the night. Or he would wake him and ask him to come and stay with him in his own room to make sure it was safe. David was his protector and right now he wasn’t there. Matteo was doing a fantastic job but of course, he was unsettled. It was too big of a change for his young mind to handle. </p><p>“And just you not being there it makes sense that he’s going to have more nightmares, I guess you kind of kept that at bay,” she said.</p><p>“Right so then by leaving it's my fault,” David insisted.</p><p>“No sorry to break it to you but you leaving? All it’s done is highlight, reinforce, and remind you of the problem,” she said.</p><p>“How do you mean?” he asked.</p><p>“The nightmares are the problem, you keeping them away isn’t the solution, that’s what the therapy is for. God it’s going to be hard and he might not be ready to process this yet you have to give him time, all you can do is be there for him. And I know you will, you two are best guys for the job and when he is ready to deal he’ll come out of it able to fend off his own nightmares. That doesn’t mean he won’t absolutely still rely on you, being a bit clingy is probably just part of his personality at this point but he’ll be so much stronger,” she said.</p><p>Francis just smiled at his wife, awestruck as always.</p><p>David nodded, he trusted her. In part because she was his friend. But also because she knew what she was talking about. She was a primary school teacher and she also had a degree in child psychology. She knew kids. If anyone here knew about this stuff she did. David knew his son but she knew how to help him.</p><p>“I still feel guilty though,” David mumbled.</p><p>“That’s understandable, you’re here lonely while your babies are at home and missing you, you’re gonna feel guilty David,” she said.</p><p>“You should trust her though, she knows what she’s talking about,” Francis said.</p><p>David nodded again, looking down at his food. They were quiet for a minute, giving him time to process what she’d just said. She was right, they were the right parents for this. They would be there for Jake and help him get through this.</p><p>He grinned to himself and looked up at them.</p><p>“So guess what?” he said, changing the topic completely. He didn’t want to dwell on Jake when he wasn’t there with him. Plus there were happier family topics to talk about.</p><p>“Oh, do you have news?” Francis asked.</p><p>“Yes! Big news actually, Matteo rang me on Monday, we’re going to be taking in a new kid-”</p><p>“Oh my god, that’s so exciting!” </p><p>“David you never said,” Francis said, pretending to pout.</p><p>He’d kept quiet about it all week, he just hadn’t felt ready to share. It was exciting but it was family stuff. But now it was more certain. She should be showing up at their house in about nine hours. It was real now and he could tell them.</p><p>“Yeah it was uncertain, still is but she should be moving in today,” David explained.</p><p>“So tell us about her then. How old? Another baby?” Maria asked, clearly getting excited at the idea.</p><p>David winked at Francis, he wondered if she was thinking of expanding their family. “No her name’s Alex and she’s seventeen,” he told them.</p><p>They both smiled, clearly proud of him.</p><p>“Now that’s different,” Maria said.</p><p>“Wow that’s not what I was expecting you to say,” Francis said.</p><p>But neither of them were concerned, teenagers needed care too. Francis had gone through practically the same thing at Alex’s age, he got it. “I know, it wasn’t what I was expecting Matteo to say when he called.” It had been a surprise, a perfect, wonderful surprise.</p><p>“So that means she’s Ricky’s age?” Francis asked, his tone teasing.</p><p>“Yep,” David said, grinning. He knew exactly what Francis was thinking.</p><p>“Man she is gonna make you feel so old. This is exactly what we were talking about the other day. Mimi we were literally talking last week about how impossible it is to understand what the hell these actor kids are talking about, I swear half the shit they say isn’t even English or Spanish, I don’t know what it is,” Francis told her.</p><p>Maria just laughed at him, no sympathy. She worked with kids all day and had no such trouble. “You’re just getting old honey,” she teased.</p><p>“It’s true though, I'm probably not gonna understand anything she’s talking about,” David said.</p><p>“And you can't pretend it’s the language barrier this time,” Maria said.</p><p>“No I can’t, but I’ve got Matteo to help,” David agreed. His husband hadn’t worked in a while but he was always good at talking to the kids he worked with, listening to them. This was going to work, he just knew it.</p><p>“We gotta get you home then David,” Francis said, clapping him on the back, “gotta get you home so you can care for this new kid. Anyway, we only have three more scenes, we’ll be done by Wednesday for definite. You should go ahead and book your flights for Thursday because we’ll be done shooting. I know you already know that but Andy is sure, so I’m like eighty percent sure.”</p><p>That was all he needed to hear. He would book his flights as soon as he got back. He’d been holding off, just in case the plans changed but this was all the confirmation he needed.</p><p>“And that’s it? You can just go as soon as the shoot is finished?” Maria asked, suspicious of both of them.</p><p>He grinned at her. She was right of course this wasn’t nearly the end of the production but he’d laid out his terms. “This is a special circumstance though-”</p><p>“Because he doesn’t want to be here, he has made that much very clear,” Francis reminded her.</p><p>She laughed, light and free. She knew exactly how he’d been the entire time. Hell, she’d suffered his whining just as much as Francis. She’d been sympathetic though, it had been a while but she had spent a few years with her husband away travelling the world for long, extended periods of time. She got it.</p><p>“Ok but post-production isn’t what it used to be, I can work from home on that. Like I can fly back for a few days here and there if I’m really needed. But most of it is doable from home. I’ve got the office set up exactly for that, I’ve done it a lot, we’ve got the tech to do it online. I can direct my minions from the comfort of my very lovely home,” he informed them.</p><p>“While Matteo waits on you hand and foot?” Francis asked.</p><p>David chuckled. “Oh fuck off.”</p><p>“Minions? The editors? Do they know you call them that?” she asked, amused.</p><p>“Yes the editors, no they don’t know that. But all he has to do is boss them about really. He can do that online easily enough. David, if you come into the studio Thursday morning we can do wrap up and finalise things and the plan going forward, you can fly out Thursday night. You will probably need to come back at least once,” he warned.</p><p>David was aware of that, would avoid it if possible but it was manageable. He didn’t care about that right now. Instead, he pulled out his phone but was stopped immediately.</p><p>“Ah ah, no you don’t! Put that away,” Maria chastised. She knew he’d spend the next half hour sorting out tickets instead of paying attention to them and their dinner.</p><p>David grinned sheepishly and tucked his phone back into his pocket. “No fair,” he muttered but she was right.</p><p>“They won’t sell out that quick,” she promised him, “now finish your food.”</p><p>He laughed but did as he was told, he wasn’t going to go against her.</p><p>So his phone stayed in his pocket, despite the fact he was itching to jump onto the flight booking sites and secure a ticket home. Maria was right though, a couple more hours wouldn’t kill him.</p><p>He would tell Matteo next time he spoke to him, he would tell him he was coming home. If he was right, from what he could remember of the flight times he would be home early Friday evening. He would finally be back in his husband’s arms.</p><p>Both of them were grinning at him now which meant he was probably wearing a stupid soft expression on his face. He absolutely did not care.</p><p>“I’m glad this is wrapping up though,” Maria said, pointing at her husband, “you’ve been busy for so long, and it’s our anniversary in a week and a half. If you weren’t done by then I was gonna file for divorce.” </p><p>“Funny woman,” Francis said.</p><p>“You better have something good planned,” she insisted.</p><p>He did, he’d already told David all about it. If their friends thought he and Matteo were extra it was nothing compared to these two. He remembered the first time he was in LA, that time with Matteo in tow. It was the first time he’d met Maria but he’d already heard all about her from Francis. </p><p>Ten minutes in their company and Matteo, the actual most romantic person he knew, whispered in his ear ‘are we that bad?’.</p><p>They were a lot, that was certain. They’d met when they were teenagers, when Francis was still living on the street. One cold night he’d sought shelter at a church group where her father taught some kids at a youth group. When the group had been over he’d hidden away in the toilets, wanting to sleep indoors for one night out of the cold. When he thought everyone had left he snuck back into the main room and sat down at the organ.</p><p>Maria let him play three songs before she made herself known, jumping out and scaring him half to death. He thought he was going to get arrested and held up his hands terrified. She had just laughed and made him play her another song. Francis said he’d fallen in love then and there.</p><p>Of course, it hadn’t been that straightforward, these things rarely were. Francis’ life had been complicated and he’d thought he couldn’t have a relationship. He was trans, he lived on the streets, his parents had disowned him, what would she ever see in him? So he’d done what he did best, disappeared into the night. </p><p>It wasn’t hard to avoid her, LA was a huge city after all. But his heart kept drawing him back to that church and one-day months later he went back in. She’d been waiting, had come back every Thursday just in case. He’d asked her why and she’d told him she wanted to hear him play again. So he did. And then he went back the next week and the week after that.</p><p>He’d fallen deeper every time he’d shown up. And so had she. </p><p>And all those things Francis thought would put her off did no such thing. She didn’t care that he lived on the streets, desperately tried to get him to move in with her instead. He wouldn’t but he appreciated her kindness. When he’d told her he was trans she’d admitted she wasn’t very knowledgeable about it but it didn’t change anything, she was already in love with him and nothing was changing that.</p><p>And when he’d told her about his parents he’d seriously thought she was going to march over there and murder them. David believed him. She was a fiery woman now but apparently, as a teenager, she’d been intense, passionate, and absolutely terrifying.</p><p>She’d supported him after his arrest, helped him when he was navigating fitting in at his new school. She had pushed him to go for the European scholarship. She had attended every audition with him when he’d returned. She was his biggest fan and his strongest supporter.</p><p>They’d met when they were sixteen and now they were thirty-six. They celebrated every anniversary big or small. Twenty years since they’d met was a big deal. Francis was going to take her back to the same church. They went there most years, had been married there ten years ago. </p><p>Seventeen years ago there’d been a fire and it had destroyed the organ. It had never been restored, until now. Thanks to Francis. He was going to take her there and play her a new song he’d composed for her. It would be beautiful, so romantic. Francis really did like to put the rest of them to shame.</p><p>“It’s good I promise you that,” Francis said.</p><p>She looked at David and he just grinned.</p><p>“It’s really good,” he told her, then mimed zipping his lips.</p><p>She chuckled and didn’t press, she knew it would be good it always was. </p><p>“I’m so happy for you though David, this girl Alex? I’m sure she will be a wonderful addition to your family,” Maria said.</p><p>“She will,” David agreed, he couldn’t wait to meet her, let her into their lives, provide her with a safe home, security.</p><p>He thought about the childhood Francis had had, the lack of a secure home David had suffered as a teenager, the lack of supportive parents. It had been the same for Matteo, that instability had affected them deeply. But they’d got through it, stronger and kinder than anyone could’ve imagined. And it was for this, it was so they could provide a safe and caring home for these forgotten children.</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t get home until just after midnight in the end. Spent hours chatting with Maria and Francis, reminiscing on their own teenage years and what they thought Alex would be like. He had no idea what to expect. He supposed Matteo would check her file and let him know anything that stood out but they both wanted to get to know her organically. It would take longer but it wasn’t fair if they just read everything about her from a folder. It wouldn’t be a true reflection of who she was.</p><p>He really couldn’t to find out who that was, couldn’t wait to meet her. He really needed to get home to his family.</p><p>It was late and he was tired, full of delicious food and a little bit tipsy. He’d left the rental car at Francis’ and taken a cab back. Francis was supposed to pick him up in the morning. Which would be way too soon. Only a few hours from now. He knew he should really go to bed but instead, he sat down and grabbed his laptop. It was time to sort out his flights home. He opened up the airline website and got to work. </p><p>He had tickets booked already, flexible ones but there was nothing available on Thursday night because it was too soon. Well, nothing he could exchange anyway. There were tickets available the next Monday at the earliest but he couldn’t wait.</p><p>What was available Thursday evening were significantly more expensive tickets that would get him home Friday night. They were certainly not exchangeable for his current tickets.</p><p>He added them to the basket anyway then wondered if he was being crazy. It was only an extra couple of days, but they were days with his family. This way he would be home for the weekend. The kids would be home with them and he needed that. Flights on Monday would get him back Tuesday, it would just be a hassle.</p><p>Still, he figured he should probably call and check with Matteo before they dropped a small fortune on flights. Matteo would say yes, just wanted him home. They were good for the money, his job brought in plenty. Allowed them to live very comfortably. But he’d never forgotten where he started. How he’d had to support himself from age sixteen, only twenty-year-old Laura taking care of him. They’d had very little. But he’d gotten through film school, made his own way. And then he’d worked hard to get to where he was now. It hadn’t been easy far from it. </p><p>There’d been years where they’d had very little, relied solely on money Matteo brought in and gave so readily to support his dream. He was forever grateful for that. He would never forget it. They would probably always be mindful of money because of that.</p><p>But that didn’t mean he couldn’t splash out now and then. He was often reluctant spending a lot of money unless it was on the kids. This was a special occasion. He took out his phone but before he could check in with Matteo he noticed he had several messages from Laura demanding he called her as soon as possible. </p><p>He frowned, wondering if something was wrong or if she was just being dramatic. It was likely to be the latter, that hadn’t really changed over the years.</p><p>He clicked to ring her back bracing himself to be told off. “Everything ok?” </p><p>“I don’t know David, is it? Don’t you have any news you might like to share with me, your only sister?” she demanded.</p><p>He knew where she was right now, she was pacing around her kitchen, waving her arms even though he couldn’t see her. Just like she’d always done. Laura was the most passionate woman he knew but it was a quiet passion. It wasn’t always apparent to those that didn’t know her but once you did, once she let her guard down and let you in you couldn’t help but see the fiery soul she really was.</p><p>Quick to anger just like him, always his fiercest defender, she was still his best friend and he knew exactly why she was pretending to be angry with him.</p><p>“Nope can’t think of anything,” he joked.</p><p>He actually heard her huffing and was reminded so much of Jamilah it was uncanny. Those two spent too much time together. He wouldn’t have it any other way. He couldn’t think of a better influence on his daughter than Laura.</p><p>“Are you or are you not getting a new kid? A teenager?” she demanded.</p><p>“Matteo tell you?” David asked knowingly.</p><p>He put the laptop to one side, he had the tickets held for half an hour, there was time to appease his sister.</p><p>“He texted me photos of Jake’s room, or I guess Alex’s room, asking me if it was ok for a seventeen-year-old girl,” she said.</p><p>“Yep. Alex is moving in today, in... about four hours actually,” David said, “but it’s all happening super quick and… sorry, I forgot to call, there’s so much going on, Jake is struggling, Alex is moving in, Matteo is struggling, I just want to come home. It’s a mess basically.” He leant back and closed his eyes.</p><p>It was fine, he was fine, still just a little worried about Jake. Which was reasonable.</p><p>“Jake ok?”</p><p>“Nightmares are getting pretty bad,” David told her, “we’re gonna sort something when I get home.” </p><p>“He’ll be ok,” she said, “so Alex? Pretty quick huh? And seventeen too, that’s going to be pretty different for you two.”</p><p>“Yeah I don’t even know how certain it is because like you say, she’s seventeen she might not want anything to do with us, she’s almost an adult she could just leave, and she might,” David admitted.</p><p>He was worried about that, that she’d hate it so much at their house she’d want to leave. That she wouldn’t get on with them, the kids, or one of them. But if she left then she had nowhere to go, they were her last chance.</p><p>“She will,” Laura promised, “your house is like Disneyland, no kid is gonna leave that. Even teenagers no matter how grumpy they might be at first. She’ll probably take longer to warm to you but just give her time,” she assured him.</p><p>“Yeah I hope so,” he said.</p><p>She was probably right, he trusted. He hadn’t even met Alex yet but he knew she belonged with them, that they could provide her a home. He just wanted to get that chance. He knew what it was like to be seventeen and afraid, he wanted to take away that fear</p><p>“It’s just a shame you won’t be there when she gets there,” Laura said.</p><p>He was annoyed about that too, wanted to be there to help her get settled. Still, it wouldn’t be long.</p><p>“I’m home Friday though,” he told her, grabbing the laptop again and loading up the tickets.</p><p>He was getting them, no need to call Matteo he would buy them tonight and then call before work tomorrow. Or today as it was long past midnight.</p><p>“What?” Laura asked.</p><p>“Yeah. I'm done or I will be, I’m flying back Thursday, home Friday,” he said.</p><p>“Oh my god! Finally! I've really missed you, David,” she said quietly.</p><p>He smiled.</p><p>“I’ve missed you too Laura,” he said, just as gently, “don’t tell Matteo, I'll tell him in the morning, I'm just about to book my plane tickets.”</p><p>“Wow it’s probably gonna cost you a fortune,” Laura said, laughing</p><p>“Yep worth it though,” he said, watching as the payment process and smiling to himself as his booking confirmation was displayed on the screen.</p><p>“Do you want me to babysit this weekend?” Laura offered.</p><p>She sounded pretty keen, loved babysitting any chance she got. But that was too soon. “What? No, why?”</p><p>“Take the kids off your hands, give you some alone time with Matteo,” she teased.</p><p>He laughed, she was a menace sometimes.</p><p>“No I've missed them so much, I just want us all to be together, you know? I’m not gonna send them away the minute I come home. Like damn I've missed Matteo so much it hurts but I'm not gonna do that, I need all of them home with us. We’ll get some alone time at some point I’m sure,” he said.</p><p>“You’re the best at this, David, both of you,” she said, “but I want them soon, I haven’t had them over in ages, Matteo is being so selfish,” she complained.</p><p>She was being silly but he got it, she loved having the kids over, loved being their cool aunt and telling them stories of David she’d been forbidden from telling. She’d told them of the stupid pranks they’d used to play on each other as kids, which resulted in David putting salt in his coffee and poor Matteo washing his hair with honey. But they loved her very much and he let her take them often.</p><p>“Yeah Matteo won’t let them go when I'm not there,” he agreed.</p><p>“But seriously I can’t wait for you to be back, I was over the other day and he was just... he misses you so much, just like you do him. It’s amazing really, you’re still just as gone as you were eighteen years ago,” she said.</p><p>“Yeah I am, holy shit, you know I still can’t believe it sometimes? How it all turned out, that this is my life. I’ll just be going about my day and it’ll hit me how amazing things turned out. I’m still so stunned by it even now,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah?” she whispered.</p><p>“And it’s like I keep trying to get Matteo to understand because he still thinks he’s keeping me from living my potential, like trapping me there with him. It’s bullshit but this is what you told me once, how that shit he went through has such an impact. It’s been nearly twenty years and those voices still win sometimes,” he said.</p><p>“Because he’s low right now?” she asked.</p><p>“It’s exactly that but also that idea that he’s holding me back is such bullshit because yeah this is my dream job and I love what I do but it was never my whole dream you know? Because the family life, while I would never have admitted it then, that was something I always wanted.</p><p>“But I think part of it was my own fault because even after I met him I never let myself admit it. I wouldn’t talk about the future even when I knew it was all he wanted to do. He wanted to share all his dreams of us together and I still doubted it then. I didn’t doubt him, it was me I doubted back then or just the idea of a happy ending in general,” he said.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“There was still so much for me to deal with, you know in my transition? And film school too at first, plus dealing with mum and dad on top,” he explained.</p><p>“That long?”</p><p>“Yeah I know, like we were living together two or three years and I still doubted that I’d got it, that I’d be able to keep it, so I just tried to live in the moment, enjoy it for as long as I was allowed,” he said.</p><p>“Wow. So what changed?”</p><p>“Time mostly I slowly started to realise that I did get to keep this. It was lots of little things. Like remember after my surgery and he just took care of me even though I was all gross and a grumpy little shit to him, it didn’t faze him at all. I remember I really thought that would make him leave. I don’t know why. And when I had that film project for final year I was an absolute nightmare to be around. But he still wanted my company. He wasn’t putting up with me, he wanted to be with me even when I’m awful.</p><p>“And I can remember clearly I was ranting about something to do with the project and it wasn’t going my way and I was just pacing the flat, rambling and he just let me keep going until I finally ran out of steam and when I did he said ‘well damn there go my dreams of being a kept husband, come on David pull it together,’ and… I just burst out laughing but it was just the way he listened and he just knew exactly what I needed, I needed to laugh, to step back you know?”</p><p>“He’s good at that, I’ve seen him do it a lot, hell he’s done it with me a few times,” she said.</p><p>“So I confessed it all and told him I did want a future with him, that I was sorry if I ever made him feel like we didn’t. That I believed it now, that we did get a happy ending,” he said.</p><p>“What did Matteo say to that?” she asked.</p><p>“Told me I was stupid, that we were nowhere near our happy ending, that we were at the beginning of everything and what the hell was I talking about? But he said that he didn’t know what was going to happen but the only future he dreamed of was me,” he said.</p><p>“Wow that’s pretty beautiful,” Laura said.</p><p>“He comes out with a lot of beautiful stuff,” David agreed.</p><p>“So you think he remembers your doubts when he’s feeling low, that’s what this is?” she asked.</p><p>“Yeah I reckon so, but it’s rubbish because I’m living my dream. What I have back home that’s all of it, and it’s worth the small fortune I’ve just spent to get back there,” he said.</p><p>She laughed.</p><p>“Can you claim it back?”</p><p>“I mean probably, although maybe not, they booked me tickets for three weeks out, the only exchange was next Monday and I just couldn’t wait that long. I’ve already bought them,” he told her.</p><p>“Well you can afford it, just come home,” she said.</p><p>“Yeah I can and I think if I stay here much longer I'm gonna get ill because I’m just toughing it out right now and that’s no good long term. I need to be home,” he said.</p><p>“Of course you do,” she agreed. “Isn’t Matteo gonna see the tickets though? If you’ve emptied the accounts won’t it spoil the surprise?” she checked.</p><p>“It’s not that bad but he won’t notice because I’m telling him tomorrow. He’ll be too busy with Alex,” he said.</p><p>“Oh that will be so nice, he’ll be so excited, I can’t wait for you to tell him,” she said.</p><p>He was getting sleepy, the late hour, the beer, and the good food were really kicking in. If he wasn’t careful he would fall asleep right there on the sofa.</p><p>“I miss you, Laura,” he said, stifling a yawn.</p><p>This was the longest he’d gone without seeing her in a while and it had been a struggle. They were so incredibly close, she was still his best friend and always would be so it was hard going so long without her. She was usually round theirs at least once a week. Well, she still was, it was him that wasn’t there. She was the best aunt the kids could want and loved them all dearly, was always stealing them away.</p><p>“I miss you too David. But oh! I rang you for a reason, it wasn’t just Alex. Mum called me, you have to come to dinner when you get home I'm not going by myself again, Matteo won’t come if you’re not there, I’ve done two now by myself and it was a lot,” she complained.</p><p>Even after David had started talking to their parents again Laura had refused for a long time. He supposed she’d seen just how it affected him, them sending him away. Kicking him out. She’d had to pick up the pieces, take him in when he was at his lowest, broken and terrified. She’d done it without hesitating but she’d seen what they’d done, how they’d hurt him. She’d become his guardian and caretaker at the age of twenty. It had been a lot for her to handle and she’d done it without complaint. </p><p>But it had shaken her, she knew they were reserved and a little misguided but she’d never thought they’d kick him out. She blamed herself for leaving him to go to university. It wasn’t her fault at all and he’d told her that often. He was so grateful she’d taken him in but also that she’d taken care of him. She’d been there for him when no one else had. Helped him sort out his doctor’s appointments and clinic visits, sorted everything with the school, was there to listen to every trouble he’d had. She had done it without complaint or hesitation but felt they should’ve done the same. Held it against them for a long time.</p><p>David didn’t blame her, knew these things couldn’t be forced. Over the years she’d let them in a little at a time and eventually they were part of her life the same way they were part of his. They were family but they were kept at a distance. </p><p>The comparison was obvious when he looked at Matteo and his parents, even his father. But also with Beth, Laura’s wife, the way those two interacted with their parents, without it being a huge task, that was how it was supposed to be. Still, this was what worked for them. Their actions had long-lasting consequences and they had to learn to live with them.</p><p>“Ugh fine,” David said, he would but not anytime too soon, he was going to be on family lockdown for the first few weeks he was back.</p><p>“It’ll be fun though, Libby will be there,” she said, laughing as he groaned.</p><p>“No,” he muttered.</p><p>“She loves you,” Laura teased.</p><p>“She does not, she’s so weird,” he said.</p><p>“Hey! That’s your favourite aunt,” Laura warned him.</p><p>“She’s our only aunt,” David reminded her.</p><p>Aunt Libby was his mum’s sister and she was an absolute nightmare. She was even more conservative than his mum and he’d always disliked her since he was young. When he was a kid she’d always try to get him in dresses and makeup, trying to get him out of his “boy phase”. She’d had a go at his mum for letting him cut his hair short. Which she hadn't anyway he’d just gone ahead and done it in the end, consequences be damned. That was the thing, he was never afraid of them, they were never aggressively transphobic. It was more that they felt it was wrong and a slight on their parenting. They wouldn’t take the time to actually understand him. Would rather have no child than a trans child. He was an embarrassment to them.</p><p>But to Libby he was an abomination, going against God and nature. He was everything that was wrong with the world and she never let him forget it. </p><p>Just when his mum had been finally coming around to him, starting to accept him, actually considering apologising to him, she’d brought up all sorts of reasons why she shouldn’t accept him. Showed up to intervene on several of their lunches, listed all sorts of bullshit scripture about him going against god. And everything had been so tenuous between them that it had all crashed down again. </p><p>It was his dad who came round first in the end. Sent him a message asking them to meet. He’d always been a quiet man, studious and pensive. Had never spoken out against him but never spoken up for him either. So David had been pretty surprised to read his message. But he went along anyway. They talked for a long time and he went away from the experience with a father again. He’d told David that all that time he’d been researching everything, trying to come to terms with David’s “problem” and how it had fit into his own world view and his relationship with God. He’d studied it in depth for years before he’d come to his conclusion. David’s problem wasn’t a problem at all. It was his identity and no matter what it wasn’t his to question. And abandoning him like he had was far worse than anything David had done.</p><p>He’d taken too long, of course, the relationship was broken between them but not irreparable. They could work at it. After him came their mother. She was far louder and vocal about her issues with David but she also respected her husband a lot. Once she saw that her husband had come to accept their son she couldn’t argue anymore because she trusted his judgement too much. It had been a very slow process but they’d gotten there, reformed a relationship.</p><p>After his mother came Aunt Libby because, in the end, his mother had given her a choice. She’d chosen to let David back in her life and she loved him. If Libby had a problem with that then she would have to walk away from them. She chose to “accept” him. It was tenuous, she was still pretty anti LGBTQ, of the opinion that him and Laura were the only good ones. David hated her. Hated that kind of two-faced attitude. Knew the minute he was out of the room she would likely talk about how difficult he was. It had been years and yet sometimes she still let it slip how much of a shame it was that he’d transitioned. He always had comebacks though. Loved to point out that technically as she was three times divorced and he was still married to the first and only man he’d ever loved so technically she was far more of a failure to the institution of marriage than he ever was.</p><p>She hated that. Things had definitely gotten heated between them more than once. These days though she’d mellowed, seemed to accept that he wasn’t changing for anyone. She saw how happy he was, in a committed relationship, with a loving family and started to realise it wasn’t affecting her negatively in any way. That he wasn’t hurting anyone. That he was just living his true life. Plus the kids coming into their lives and her wanting to be part of that came with very strict rules. So she stayed on her best behaviour. </p><p>She was still a nightmare though and for some reason, David still had to suffer these dinners. They weren’t that bad. Sometimes Matteo came along, which was always fun. David enjoyed watching him squirm under Libby and his mother's attention. Because of course they absolutely loved him from the moment they met him. It was impossible not too. Despite his appearance, the long hair and tattoos being something they should hate, they were charmed by him immediately. It was his shy, quiet nature that won him over, plus the way he was so obvious gone on David even when they’d been together so many years. Every dinner he came to he stole their attention completely. It was sweet though, he got so embarrassed by it. </p><p>His dad was more his speed, quiet and stoic. He’d found the pair of them escaped into the study sitting in silence on more than one occasion. His father reading a newspaper, Matteo on his phone also reading the news, every now and then one of them commenting on something they’d seen. It was sweet.</p><p>He supposed he could go along and make an appearance, just not anytime soon.</p><p>“I’m sure it’ll be fun,” Laura insisted.</p><p>“I’m sure it’ll be a nightmare,” he said.</p><p>“Will you bring the kids? Alex?” she asked.</p><p>“Not a chance, I want her to stay I’m not going to subject her to that. She’s seventeen she’ll pick up on all that stuff, Sophie can come over and watch them,” he said.</p><p>He felt it was pretty telling that he’d rather have Matteo’s mama come take care of the kids instead of taking them with him to his parents. He would never hesitate to hand them over to her anytime she asked to see them, anytime they needed someone to watch them her and Laura were always their first choice. Usually, Sophie because she lived closer. He knew Alex would love both of them, his parents took a lot more time and he wanted her a bit more settled before she had to meet them.</p><p>“Well I’m sure the three of us will have fun,” she teased.</p><p>“Oh I’m sure we will,” David muttered.</p><p>“What time is it there?”</p><p>“Nearly midnight,” he told her.</p><p>“Ok you go to sleep, I’ll see you soon yeah?”</p><p>“You will,” he promised.</p><p>He couldn’t wait, he wanted to see her again as soon as possible. After Matteo and the kids, he missed her the most. She’d been his only true family for the longest time and he had no idea where he would be without her. He pocketed his phone and took one last look at the booking confirmation on his screen. Friday evening at seven o'clock he would be home. Home. With his family, the only place he wanted to be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>next week:</p><p>Alex finds a home, Matteo finally gets the news he's been waiting for, some serious discussions are had,  the cool to uncool balance is restored according to Jamilah</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com">theo (@youmustbestrongernow)</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. you were standing in the door all beat and tired, and i stepped aside</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This was different to anything Matteo had ever done, in a way it was almost as scary as when they'd gotten Matty. That had been stressful because Matty was too young to talk, to let him know if anything was wrong. Alex was too old and too scared to let him know. She'd lost all faith in anyone and it was a daunting task to help her restore that. But they could do it.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Alex is here! I'm so excited. But just a warning there will be a discussion of her past, again nothing graphic, do detailed flashbacks but she does get upset and she does talk about it at quite some length and there is mention of overcontrolling foster parents, and controlling through food restrictions but it's brief.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It felt like Monday had come before he was even close to ready and Matteo was feeling pretty nervous. That morning with Jake hadn’t helped, plus arguing with David, it had all left him feeling out of sorts. What a good impression he was going to make on Alex, scatterbrained and tired. But he was ok. Jake was ok, had been laughing and chatting away with Jamilah by the time he’d dropped him off at school</p><p>Now it was just him and Matty putting the final touches on Alex’s new room. Well, Matty was sitting on the bed watching him and laughing.</p><p>No matter how much Hanna, David, and Laura had tried to reassure him when he sent photos of the room, he was still worried that she would hate it. He’d done his best to get it ready for her. He’d left Jake’s old bed, for now, it was a standard twin size but he’d changed the sheets and the matching curtains from purple unicorns to plain green. </p><p>Maybe Alex liked purple unicorns but green seemed like the safer option. He wanted to give her the choice, didn’t want to buy a bigger bed if she wanted to fill her room with other cool stuff instead. Like Hanna had said this might be her first real room, the first time she’d had her own space in ages. She should get to choose how she wanted her space. Fill the shelves with books, get some plants, choose her own sheets, put photos or posters up. If teenagers still did that sort of thing. Matteo had no idea, it had been years. It was better for Alex to choose what she wanted. He didn’t know what she liked, he didn't want to guess. Even if he did know her better it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to choose things for her. He wouldn't even do it for Jake and Jamilah, only chipped in when their suggestions were ridiculous. Like a sandpit in their room or a fridge for some reason.</p><p>So he’d cleared most of the toys and kids books from the bookshelf. The big toybox was gone and replaced with a desk and a chair so she could study. Jake’s wardrobe was white with a giraffe on the front to measure his height. No seventeen year old wanted that so they’d moved it next to Jamilah’s dragon and princess tower wardrobe. They’d put a freestanding rail in Alex's room for now, until she decided what wardrobe she wanted. David said the rail itself was cool and she’d probably leave it like that.</p><p>There were still so many toys and only so many Jake could shove into Jamilah’s room. It still looked a bit like a six-year-old’s room. But he was working on it. He’d told David they needed to convert the attic, that the kids needed a playroom for all the toys. David had just told him to wait until he came back but he was probably already looking into it.</p><p>He stood there giving it a final once over until the doorbell rang and it was time to welcome the newest member of the family. He grabbed Matty and rushed downstairs to open the door and let her in.</p><p>On the doorstep, Sandra was standing there looking as bubbly and bouncy as ever next to a black girl far taller than her, even a little taller than Matteo. Or she would be if she stood tall. Right now she was slightly hunched over, curled in on herself, as angry as she looked it was clear she was very nervous. </p><p>She had a green canvas rucksack over her shoulder, the straps clutched tightly in her hands as if this was all she owned in the world. There were no other bags. But Sandra had warned him she’d left her last place in a hurry and hadn’t wanted to go back for her stuff. </p><p>She was dressed all in black from the baggy hoodie to the heavy boots she wore. The only colour was her hair. It was styled in thin braids, red and orange, and tied back loosely. </p><p>She stood there on the doorstep looking angry. Furious. And completely unimpressed. She glared at him and the house but her lips did twitch when Matty waved at her.</p><p>“Hi,” Matteo said, stepping back and waving them in.</p><p>“Hi Matteo,” Sandra said, squeezing his arm as they stepped into the hall.</p><p>The nerves were really taking over now. He showed them to the living room and settled Matty down at his new play table, rolling it over so it was next to the couch where he sat down.</p><p>Alex didn’t say anything just levelled him with a stare as she sat down. He was used to this, worked with mostly teenagers back when he was working but this was a bit different. This girl was going to be staying in their home. He wanted her to feel safe there, able to relax. But he knew it would take time, he hoped she would give them a chance.</p><p>She looked around the living room and frowned. He’d tidied up last night but then there’d been a lego explosion just before he’d taken the kids to school. And then Matty had been playing with his blocks and they were still scattered about.</p><p>She looked back to him and raised an eyebrow. He felt very judged.</p><p>“Where’s your wife?”</p><p>Matteo laughed, he couldn’t help it. He felt even more judged.</p><p>“My husband, David,” he corrected, “and he’s in LA right now, he’s a film director and he’s working but he’ll be back in a couple of weeks. He’s not away like this a lot, this is a one-off,” he told her.</p><p>Alex frowned and that caused him to frown.</p><p>“Is that a problem?” he asked gently.</p><p>Alex turned to Sandra.</p><p>“I don’t want to stay in a house with just guys,” she said, picking at threads on her trousers, fidgeting nervously.</p><p>“Sandra,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“I know, I know, but I promise Matteo and David are the best,” she promised.</p><p>“Still not ok Sandra,” he said, sighing and running a hand through his hair. </p><p>He really didn’t want her to be uncomfortable and he’d worked with enough kids to understand some of them would have a fear of men. And why. There was no specific rule preventing placements in households with men. That was just impractical due to the strain on the system that would cause, but there were a few places and Matteo would always take it into consideration and do his best to place a child somewhere they felt safe.</p><p>“We’re pretty low on options here,” Sandra reminded him, “but Alex right now I think you need a special level of kindness and patience that you won’t get anywhere else. I really want you to try it out, even if it’s just a couple of days. You can ring me any time of day to let me know you want to leave and I’ll come pick you up, and we’ll figure something else out. You can call me after a few hours if you’re uncomfortable. I would never leave you here if I didn’t trust Matteo, I’ve known him and David a long time now,” she insisted.</p><p>“I’m sorry Alex,” Matteo said, “I didn’t realise but all I can do is promise you you will be safe here. We’ll sit down and we’ll set as many ground rules as you need to make you feel safe-”</p><p>“What do you mean? You’re going to ground me?”</p><p>“No! No! Of course not, I mean you can set some rules with us, what you need from us you know? You’ll have your own room, and if you just want to stay up there, if you want to be left alone, if you need your own space. You might not even know what rules you need yet but if you just give it a chance, let us know what you need from us, we really want you here Alex but I completely understand if you don’t want to or can’t stay,” Matteo said.</p><p>He gave her a nervous smile. He needed her to trust him but he knew it wasn’t that simple. He didn’t even know what she'd been through, why it was that she didn’t trust him but he could guess. He got it. He wasn’t going to push for her to stay here. The most important thing was that she felt safe. </p><p>She looked him up and down, shrugged and rolled her eyes, squaring her shoulders like she was ready for a fight. He hated that. He literally saw the moment she put her tough facade back on and it hurt his heart.</p><p>“Fine whatever I guess I could take him in a fight,” she said.</p><p>“Probably,” Matteo agreed sadly, “do you want to ask me any questions?”</p><p>“Your husband, he’s in LA?” she asked.</p><p>“Yeah he’s making a movie,” Matteo told her.</p><p>“Is he any good?” she asked.</p><p>“He’s the best,” Matteo answered immediately.</p><p>Sandra sniggered beside him.</p><p>“That’s the one thing you’ll have to put up with I’m afraid Alex, he never shuts up about David,” she told her.</p><p>Matteo rolled his eyes and reached down, turning Matty’s table so he was facing him. He gave him a little wave and stuck out his tongue, causing him to giggle.</p><p>“Have I heard of him, what’s his name?”</p><p>“David Schreibner-Florenzi,” Matteo said, knowing just how proud he sounded, he couldn’t help it.</p><p>“Oh,” she said.</p><p>“You have heard of him?” Sandra asked.</p><p>“Everyone has, I… I do like some of his films,” she admitted quietly, before glaring again.</p><p>“That’s good,” Matteo said, “but like we’re pretty normal, we’re not fancy or anything,” he promised.</p><p>“So it’s just you here then? If he works,” she checked.</p><p>“No. Like right now yes but not usually. I couldn’t handle that. He’ll be home in a few weeks, he usually works all over Europe but overall he’s home about three quarters of the year,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“Ok,” she said quietly.</p><p>“He’s really nice,” Matteo promised.</p><p>“Ok,” she said again.</p><p>She was tired he could tell, he knew that feeling, knew how draining it was to keep that kind of front for any extended period of time. She wanted to hide away from them all.</p><p>“Ok? Any more questions?” he checked but he knew she just wanted to escape.</p><p>“No,” she said.</p><p>“You can ask whatever you want Alex,” he told her.</p><p>He knew she was pretty much done with this conversation but at the same time, the needed to have it in order for her to feel safe here. He didn’t want Sandra leaving her here if she was uneasy.</p><p>“Doesn't matter, like she said I don’t really have a choice do I?” she asked him.</p><p>“You do have a choice I promise, if you give us a chance we’ll do our best but if this place isn’t for you then I will help you find somewhere safe, even if it’s helping you find a flatshare ok? We’ll work something out,” he told her.</p><p>Because he would, he felt responsible now and even if she wasn’t happy here he would try his best to find her somewhere that she was happy.</p><p>“Where’s my room then?” Alex demanded.</p><p>She seemed to go from quiet to full anger at a moments notice. But it was because she was feeling vulnerable. He hated that her response to kindness was anger because it meant that she’d experienced so little of it that she didn’t know how to handle it.</p><p>“Alex be nice,” Sandra insisted</p><p>“No let’s go see the room,” Matteo said, standing up and picking up Matty.</p><p>He lead them to the stairs.</p><p>“Why bother being nice? I'm here what three months at most? And then they'll kick me out just like everyone else, if they don’t get fed up of me before that,” she muttered. </p><p>He sighed, noticing how tightly she was clinging to her rucksack, it was so sad that all hew worldly possessions fit in that tiny bag. Even Matty had more stuff and he was just a baby. This was going to be hard for him to deal with, he wasn’t good at hiding his emotions never had been but he also didn’t want to freak her out. He wasn’t the one who was going through it right now so he had to hold it together.</p><p>“No one’s kicking you out Alex,” he promised.</p><p>Because he knew they wouldn’t get fed up of her. Angry and grumpy was not all that she was, there was a real person under that front, a tired and terrified kid who was just defending herself the only way she seemed to know how. Even if she was just angry she still deserved a chance and they would give her one.</p><p>“Whatever,” she muttered.</p><p>“Ok, so we didn’t have a spare room so I've put Jake in with Jamilah and we’ll assess the situation again later. He wanted to share anyway. And he’s only six so when Jamilah gets too old to share he can move in with Mimmo instead. It’ll work out don’t worry,” he said.</p><p>“How many kids do you have?” she asked incredulously.</p><p>“Three. Jamilah is nine, Jake is six, my little baby… Matty... he’s one and a half,” he told her, shifting Matty on his hip. He’d allow the use of Matty’s name for introductions he supposed, easier than getting into it. </p><p>“Wow, why?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Why did you have so many?” she asked.</p><p>“That’s a long story, we got them in that order. I'll tell you how one day, but they are all my babies and I love them,” he told her.</p><p>“Great,” she muttered, but she smiled slightly as she reached out and stroked Matty’s cheek.</p><p>It was almost like she couldn’t help herself. Which Matteo understood completely, his son was the cutest baby in the world.</p><p>“Ok so this is Jakey’s old room, it’s yours now, for as long as you need. Don’t worry about three months, you leave when you’re ready, not a moment sooner,” he said. </p><p>He knew this was something he was going to have to tell her frequently until she hopefully accepted.</p><p>“You’ll be fed up of me in a week,” she said.</p><p>“Not likely,” he said simply, “so Jake put his favourite toys in Jamilah’s room but he was very reluctant to box up the rest for the garage. I’ll figure something out but this is it, for now, sorry it’s a bit of a mess, this will be yours though, and you can do whatever you like, we’ll work something out, there’s no rush now.”</p><p>Alex dropped her rucksack in the corner and sat on the bed. She picked up the toy dragon he’d put on the bed and Matteo felt nervous all over again.</p><p>“What’s this?” she demanded.</p><p>“It’s from Ikea, when we went to get the furniture. I got one for all of you, I think Jamilah wants to help you name him,” he told her.</p><p>“I’m seventeen,” Alex said.</p><p>“If you don’t like it you can put it on the shelf or give it to one of the kids,” he suggested.</p><p>She didn’t say anything just carefully placed it back on the bed.</p><p>“What do you think Alex?” Sandra asked hopefully.</p><p>“It’ll do,” Alex said.</p><p>“Come on Alex,” Sandra said.</p><p>“No its fine Sandra, I know it’s not much but at the weekend we can go shopping yeah? Or look online over the next few days you can choose how you want it to be, I didn’t want to do much with it until you got here and told me what you wanted,” he said.</p><p>“What's the point?” she asked.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“I’ll be leaving in three months when I’m eighteen so what's the point? This will do fine it’s not horrible or anything,” she said.</p><p>“No one’s making you leave in three months, you can stay past eighteen, that’s not a problem. You can leave if you want but there’s no pressure. But anyway three months is still a while, don’t you want a room you like even if it is for a short time?” he asked.</p><p>“Whatever,” Alex said, laying down and turning away.</p><p>“I’ll give you some space yeah? I’ll be downstairs,” he told her, he watched her reach out and run her finger over the dragon plushie.</p><p>“Sure,” she said, voice quiet and tired, weary with it all.</p><p>“I’m gonna go down and have a quick chat with Matteo but if you’re happy here then I’ll head off soon ok? But you’ve got my number you call at any time and I’ll be here. If not I’ll be back next Wednesday afternoon ok?”</p><p>“Fine,” she said.</p><p>Matteo led Sandra back downstairs.</p><p>“Well that went well,” Sandra said as they went back into the living room, he put Matty back down to play and sat back down.</p><p>“It went fine, pretty much as I expected. She doesn’t trust me and I’m not surprised, you said she’s been through it,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah I brought her file if you wanted to check it out,” she said, reaching for her bag.</p><p>“Actually I’d like to learn from her, you know?” he told her.</p><p>She smiled at him.</p><p>“I miss you at work Matteo god, no one sees the kids like you do,” she said.</p><p>“I’ll be back,” he promised.</p><p>“When?” she asked.</p><p>“When he’s thirty?” he suggested pointing at Matty.</p><p>“You’ll be at retirement age by then,” she teased.</p><p>“Rude! No, when they’re all in school and I have a bit more time I'll come back at least part-time, I do miss it,” he said.</p><p>“So feeling ok about this?”</p><p>“Yeah, I want her here, like I already feel protective, I want to keep her here and keep her safe,” he said.</p><p>“She’ll stay, she’ll resist a while but she wants to be here, just the fact that you’ve done her a room, one she can decorate, that’s why she got upset. Basically from what I’ve read, she’s had placements ranging from horrendous to those where they just didn’t care. She’s not had anyone <em>care</em> since her mum,” Sandra said. “A lot of aggressive, strict foster fathers, that’s why she’s wary of you. But you never yell and I really think that’s what she needs right now.”</p><p>“Oh god,” Matteo said, trying to stay calm.</p><p>“But she will absolutely love the kids, she’s never had any history of aggression to any of her foster siblings,” Sandra assured him.</p><p>“I can tell,” Matteo said.</p><p>“She may be rude to you but don’t take it to heart,” Sandra warned him.</p><p>“I can handle rude don’t worry, it’ll be good practice for when Jamilah’s older,” Matteo joked.</p><p>“She’s gonna be so sassy,” Sandra said.</p><p>“She really is but she’ll be great,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Absolutely,” Sandra agreed, “so we all good?”</p><p>“You off?”</p><p>“Gotta get back to work, I know you’re ok,” she said, standing up.</p><p>He did the same.</p><p>“You’re not going to inspect the house?” he checked.</p><p>“She’s seventeen, she’s not gonna stick her fingers in plug sockets. I was here a year ago and nothing’s changed apart from this mess,” she said, gesturing at all the lego, “Jakey?”</p><p>“He loves it,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It’s good though right, building lego? Spatial awareness and all that,” she said, “I read that somewhere.”</p><p>“Yeah it is, good for focus and concentration, plus creativity,” Matteo agreed, David gave him that spiel every time he brought another box home for Jake.</p><p>“I’m happy to leave her here, it’s not like the kids. She’s old enough to judge a place and if she wants to get out of here she can. I will be back next week but I know she’s safe here,” she said.</p><p>He nodded, feeling comforted by her trust in him. He showed her to the door.</p><p>“Thank you,” he said, as she put on her shoes.</p><p>He grinned at Alex’s chunky boots, they were great. Jamilah would love those. Perfect for stomping about.</p><p>“For what?” Sandra asked.</p><p>“Thinking of me for this,” he said.</p><p>“You two are the only ones for her, you’re gonna do fine,” she promised, leaning up on her tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek.</p><p>He watched her leave then headed back to the living room, sitting down on the floor by Matty who was surrounded by his blocks.</p><p>Alex was quiet upstairs and he didn’t want to impose on her while she got settled. There were about twenty minutes until he needed to pick the kids up from school so he laid down and let Matty pile his blocks on top of him.</p><p>He checked his watch. It was three in the morning over in LA. He shouldn’t really ring, not while he was sleeping. David had said he could ring whenever but he shouldn’t. Especially as he’d been up late. He really wanted to though.</p><p>He glanced over at Matty who smiled and waved at him. His head nodding sleepily because he’d missed his afternoon nap.</p><p>He sighed and pulled out his phone, lifting Matty and laying him on his chest. It only took a few minutes before he drifted off. Matteo loved lying like this, had done since Matty was born. The weight of him safe on his chest was always a comfort.</p><p>He rang David and put the phone on speaker, laying it on the floor by his head.</p><p>Matty snuffled in his sleep but didn’t wake.</p><p>It rang for a while before the call connected and finally a very groggy David answered.</p><p>“Everything ok?” he murmured.</p><p>Matteo felt very guilty for waking him up but he needed him and he’d said it was ok.</p><p>“Sorry for waking you, I just wanted to talk for a minute,” he said.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” David asked.</p><p>“Nothing, just… Alex is here now,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah, how’s that going? She with you right now?” David asked.</p><p>“No she’s upstairs, she’s so angry David, and so scared, so obviously scared and trying to hide it. All I want to do is give her a hug but she absolutely can’t handle that,” he told him.</p><p>“This is a really new situation for her, of course, she’s scared. You just gotta give her time,” David said gently.</p><p>“Yeah I know I just… I want to make it ok right now, for her you know? But er… she asked me where my wife was,” he told him.</p><p>David laughed loudly at that.</p><p>“Imagine that,” he said, “you wouldn’t know what to do with a wife,” he joked.</p><p>“Yeah I laughed too until I realised why she was asking, she’s pretty scared of men. She wanted a woman here because she’d feel safer. So there’s that,” he said.</p><p>“Shit, is she gonna be ok? With us? Like I get it, I’m not upset by that if she wants to go somewhere else?” David asked.</p><p>“No exactly, I agree but at the same time, she’s not really got any other options, not when she’s so close to ageing out and I just think if she gives us a chance I’d rather she stay because I know she’s safe here. I just worry that if she goes somewhere else and they don’t get her, don’t know that she needs patience, don’t give her a chance, she’ll run and then we’ll lose her. I know it means she’s going to be wary and probably uncomfortable at first and if it doesn’t pass I’ve said we’ll help her find her own place. That’s what she wants anyway,” Matteo said. </p><p>“Good plan, I agree Matteo, you know what you’re doing here,” David assured him.</p><p>“Good. Good. And she did say she’s not too worried, that she’d win in a fight between the two of us,” he told him.</p><p>“Can she?” David asked.</p><p>“Maybe? She’s a little taller than either of us, like Hanna’s height, but seems tougher. I don’t think she is though,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Probably not,” David agreed. “She like Jakey’s room?”</p><p>“Yeah, I think so, although she won’t say. She doesn't want to do anything with it, she doesn't think she’s staying, that we’ll get fed up of her,” Matteo told him.</p><p>“Has that happened in her past?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he said.</p><p>“You ok Matteo?” David asked gently.</p><p>“I miss you, I just miss you. I don’t know if I can do this without you here. I want to and it’s not her fault but I’m just scared I’m going to fuck this up. I need you back David. I’m sorry. I can hold on but you gotta get home soon,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“You on your own right now?” David asked.</p><p>“Mimmo’s here, he’s asleep though,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Give him a kiss, god I miss you all. I’m going to be home soon,” he said.</p><p>“Can’t you come any sooner?” Matteo whined.</p><p>“Yes,” David said.</p><p>“Oh yeah when?” Matteo asked, not even daring to hope.</p><p>“Matteo I mean it I'm going to be home so soon-”</p><p>“Two weeks David,” Matteo complained.</p><p>“No,” David said.</p><p>Matteo’s heart sank. This was just what he’d been dreading but waiting for. They were going to reschedule again. How was he going to tell the kids? </p><p>“Oh god David how much longer?” he whispered, his eyes getting hot as he tried not to cry.</p><p>“No I’m going to be back Friday night your time,” David said, “we’re almost done, wrap up is Wednesday, I’ve booked my flights, non-refundable, cost a fortune, but I'll be home Friday night Matteo,” he said.</p><p>“David,” he murmured.</p><p>“I’m coming home,” David said so gently. </p><p>“Oh David,” he whispered.</p><p>“Don’t cry,” David said.</p><p>“I can’t, shit,” Matteo muttered, he couldn’t hold back the tears.</p><p>He was so relieved, this was the best news David could give him. Of course, his response was to cry. It was so stupid and frustrating but he couldn’t help it. David was really coming home. Four days, he could do that. He could hold on for four more days.</p><p>Of course, that was when Matty started to cry, he woke and started grizzling immediately. Matteo didn’t know if it was because he was crying or he was just a grumpy baby.</p><p>“Oh dear,” David said as his grizzling became proper howls.</p><p>He was not happy about being woken up.</p><p>“Shit,” Matteo whispered, sitting up and bouncing him on his knee, hushing him.</p><p>“He sleeps when you sleep, cries when you cry,” David teased.</p><p>“You’re not helping, hush Mimmo hush,” Matteo soothed, stroking his hair and rubbing his back.</p><p>The screams subsided into quiet sniffles as Matteo continued to bounce him on his knee. Eventually, the sniffles turned to gurgling as Matty reached for his face and tried to stick his fingers up his nose. Matteo pretended to bite at his fingers and Matty finally laughed.</p><p>Matteo wiped his eyes and kissed his nose.</p><p>“So? Matty’s awake?” David asked.</p><p>“He is… just in time to go pick up the kids I guess,” Matteo said. </p><p>He probably looked a mess but there was nothing he could do about it now.</p><p>“Ok I'm gonna sleep a bit, I'll call later, late morning my time about seven your time, I’ll tell the kids. Don’t tell them,” he said.</p><p>“Ok gotcha,” Matteo said.</p><p>“If Alex wants to say hi that’d be good, if not that’s ok,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah, she might not,” Matteo warned him.</p><p>“That's ok I get that,” David said.</p><p>“Are you really coming home on Friday?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“I am,” David said.</p><p>“And you won’t leave again?”</p><p>“I won’t leave,” David promised.</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>Four days. Matteo felt like this great weight that had been crushing him was finally lifting. He felt like he had enough energy to run to the school. He was bouncing with it. He tickled Matty until he was squealing with laughter and he just beamed down at him.</p><p>“I love you,” David said.</p><p>“Love you too,” Matteo said, “get some more sleep ok?” he said.</p><p>He hung up and groaned as he tried to get up without putting Matty down. He was too old for this, his knees couldn’t handle it. Or he was just that tired. He felt exhausted in his body, these past few months had done a number on him.</p><p>“Shall we go pick up Jakey and Jammy?” Matteo asked.</p><p>Matty nodded his head.</p><p>“Ya!” he squealed.</p><p>“Ok pram time for you,” Matteo said, sitting him in the pram and putting his coat and hat on. </p><p>Matty held out his hands and Matteo put his little green mittens on. He kissed his nose and strapped him in.</p><p>He went to the bottom of the stairs.</p><p>“Alex?” he called out.</p><p>“What?” she shouted.</p><p>“Can you come to the top of the stairs please?”</p><p>He heard her shuffling around and then she came to the top of the stairs, she glared down at him, arms folded across her chest.</p><p>“Hey Alex, I'm going to pick up the twins from school,” he told her.</p><p>“And?”</p><p>“I’ll be about thirty minutes,” he said.</p><p>She frowned and her stance changed, arms dropping to her sides, hands balled into fists. She rocked on the balls of her feet.</p><p>“So you're just going to leave me here?” she asked.</p><p>“I mean I guess. You’re seventeen so you can stay by yourself but I was gonna offer for you to come with us. It’s only a ten-minute walk, nothing exciting, but you’re welcome to come,” he offered.</p><p>“So if I say no, if I want to stay put you’re just going to leave me here? Are you stupid? What if I steal all your stuff?” she asked.</p><p>“I don’t think you’ll do that,” he said gently, “I trust you, Alex.”</p><p>“No but…”</p><p>“Do you want to come?” he asked.</p><p>“No,” she said.</p><p>“That’s fine, I promise I won’t be long, I’ll see you soon ok?” Matteo said.</p><p>He shrugged on his jacket and slid on his shoes, kneeling to tie the laces.</p><p>“No wait I'll come with you,” she said.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I don’t want to be in this stupid house on my own,” she muttered.</p><p>“Ok come on then,” he said.</p><p>“I’m coming,” she said, storming down the stairs and shoving her feet in her boots.</p><p>She zipped up her hoodie and stood there waiting.</p><p>“Jacket?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Don’t have one,” she said quietly.</p><p>It had been unseasonably cold for September, he’d had all the kids in their coats and scarves all week. He observed the way she’d pulled her sleeves over her hands, arms wrapped around herself.</p><p>“Ok here, it’s cold out,” he said, rooting through the many coats on the hooks and grabbing one of David’s old jackets.</p><p>“I’m not wearing that,” she said.</p><p>“It's not mine it’s David’s,” he said.</p><p>“Ok,” she said, taking it from him and shrugging it on.</p><p>“Ouch,” Matteo joked.</p><p>“You’re kinda lame, I don’t want to wear your clothes,” she said.</p><p>“You haven’t even met David,” he reminded her as they stepped out and headed off to the school.</p><p>“It’s David Schreibner-Florenzi, I know he’s cool,” she said, shoving her hands in the pockets of the jacket.</p><p>“He is,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“And because he’s cool I can wear this,” she said.</p><p>He grinned at her logic, it just highlighted how young she still was.</p><p>“Whereas you dress like…”</p><p>“Like?”</p><p>He couldn’t wait for this.</p><p>“Like... you look like you were once cool but now you dress like a geography teacher,” she said.</p><p>He laughed.</p><p>“What does that even mean?” he asked.</p><p>“Dunno just the old man sweaters I guess,” she said.</p><p>“I’ve been wearing these since I was seventeen,” he admitted.</p><p>“You dress very dad-like,” she said. “You dress like a dad I guess, a proper one.”</p><p>“Well I am, aren’t I? But so is David, like I still think he’s cool but he’s not really, not anymore,” he said.</p><p>“When did he last wear this?” she asked.</p><p>“God years ago,” Matteo admitted.</p><p>It had been a while since he’d tidied the older coats away and David still insisted he would wear it, yet he hadn’t touched it in years.</p><p>“Wait you called them twins earlier but they’re different ages?” she asked.</p><p>“Yeah, Jamilah came up with that when we brought Jake home said he was her twin baby brother and it just stuck,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Oh ok, so they’re really close then?”</p><p>“They are,” he said, bumping her shoulder, “wanna push the pram?” he offered.</p><p>“No,” she said.</p><p>“Ok,” he said, offering her a smile.</p><p>“Are they all adopted?” she asked.</p><p>“Yep,” he said, surprised but please with how much she was speaking.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Or like how did you get them?” she asked.</p><p>“Well I’m a social worker or I was before my Mimmo,” he said nodding down at Matty who was chattering away.</p><p>She stopped and stared at him a moment.</p><p>“Of course you are,” she muttered, looking a bit annoyed.</p><p>“What does that mean?” he asked.</p><p>“Just you’re good at this,” she said.</p><p>“What?” </p><p>“Tricking me into doing stuff, like talking,” she explained.</p><p>“Hey no, Alex, there is no trick I promise,” he said.</p><p>“Whatever,” she muttered.</p><p>“Alex, there’s no trick,” he said gently</p><p>“Fine but you’re doing something because I don’t even want to talk to you,” she said.</p><p>“Dunno what to tell you,” Matteo said</p><p>“So what you were a social worker and you just kept them?” she asked suspiciously.</p><p>“Pretty much,” he said.</p><p>“No you can’t do that,” she said.</p><p>“I’ve kept every one of them,” he said.</p><p>“Papa!” Matty squealed.</p><p>Matteo tipped the pram back and pushed it on the back wheels so that Matty could see him, he smiled down at him.</p><p>“Hey bambino,” Matteo cooed.</p><p>“So gross,” Alex muttered.</p><p>“What's gross about it?” he asked as they reached the gates of the school. He stopped there and leant against it. Alex waited a few steps away from him.</p><p>She just shrugged so obviously she had no good answer to that. He liked that she was already embarrassed by him, that was a good thing in his opinion. Jamilah was the same already.</p><p>“So you stole them from work?” she asked.</p><p>“Nah not really er… I was Jamilah’s caseworker, but like… there was an incident at her foster home and she just wouldn’t settle with anyone but me so she came to stay with us for a while,” he explained.</p><p>“And you just kept her?”</p><p>“Yeah pretty much,” he said, he was going to explain more when he noticed the twins watching them from the entrance of the school.</p><p>He nodded over at them. They usually ran at him shouting and yelling but they’d spotted Alex and were hesitating.</p><p>“They are shy, I've never seen them shy,” he told her.</p><p>“I guess I’m scary, plus I stole Jake's room and stuff,” she said sadly.</p><p>“Nah it's not that you’re not scary at all, they’re gonna love you,” he promised, “and Jakey almost always shares with Jamilah. He has a lot of nightmares and he’s scared to sleep alone but he insists he’s too big to sleep with me and David. Then he ends up in with us at least once a week,” he said.</p><p>“Oh,” she said, nodding thoughtfully like she understood.</p><p>Matteo waved them over and they slowly approached, immediately moving behind Matteo and peering round him at Alex.</p><p>“Hey,” Alex offered gently, she may not trust adults but as he’d suspected she clearly had no problem with kids.</p><p>Jamilah and Jake shoved at each other until Jamilah stepped forward.</p><p>“Hi! I'm Jamilah! I'll hold your hand,” she said, reaching out.</p><p>Alex just looked at Matteo and shook her head.</p><p>Jamilah pouted and kept her hand held out.</p><p>“Jammy sweetheart she doesn’t want to, come hold onto the pram instead,” Matteo suggested.</p><p>Jamilah stared a little longer then took hold of the pram.</p><p>“I’ll push,” she said.</p><p>“Carefully,” Matteo warned.</p><p>She nodded and leant over the pram chattering to Matty as she slowly began to push it.</p><p>“Ok?” Matteo asked Jake who still hadn’t spoken.</p><p>They were incredibly similar, going quiet when they were nervous. Jake shook his head and raised his arms.</p><p>Matteo scooped him up and he buried his face in Matteo's shoulder. He was getting bigger every day. He could still carry him easily for now but he was dreading the day when he could no longer lift them all up.</p><p>“Hi,” Alex said quietly as they started to walk.</p><p>“Hi,” Jake mumbled, he looked up to smile at her then hid his face again.</p><p>“Thank you for giving me your room,” Alex said.</p><p>“S’ok.”</p><p>“Did you guys have good days at school?”</p><p>“Yes so much!” Jamilah said, turning around.</p><p>“Ah ah if you want to push you gotta face forward,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“But I wanted to tell you!”</p><p>“I can push,” Alex offered.</p><p>Jamilah immediately let go of the pram and marched over to Matteo. He watched Alex take the handles and tilt the pram back just like he had done earlier. He grinned at her.</p><p>“Tell me then sweetheart,” Matteo said.</p><p>“We went out to the pond today and we found a frog and we brought it inside and put it in the tank. We’re going to let it go tomorrow but it was so cool!” she told them.</p><p>“I like frogs,” Jake said.</p><p>“I’ll steal it for you,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“No you won’t,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Papa!” </p><p>“In the morning we’ll ask Miss Lilly if you can go see the frog Jake,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yay!”</p><p>“But I want to bring it home, how will I show you or Alex or Matty?”</p><p>“I’ve seen frogs before,” Alex said.</p><p>Jamilah ran ahead of her and started walking backwards.</p><p>“Have you held one?” she asked.</p><p>“Uh? No, I don’t think so,” she said.</p><p>“Hmm,” she pondered, “oh! Papa now that we have Alex can we get a dog?” she asked, running back to him.</p><p>Matteo frowned.</p><p>“No? What does that have to do with anything?” he asked her.</p><p>Jamilah ignored him, running to stand beside Alex.</p><p>“Alex do you like dogs?” she asked.</p><p>Alex shrugged.</p><p>“Yeah,” she said.</p><p>“Right so that’s four against two,” Jamilah told him.</p><p>He didn’t even know what she was talking about, she’d never even mentioned a dog. She always blindsided him like this.</p><p>“I… what? We’ve never even had a discussion have we?” he asked.</p><p>She just placed a hand on her hip and rolled her eyes.</p><p>“No, but I asked daddy and he said no,” she told him, her tone implying she thought David was being completely unreasonable.</p><p>“Ok?”</p><p>“He said no because I wouldn’t be able to walk the dog, so if Alex is here she can walk the dog with me or Jake because she’s nearly a grown-up,” she suggested.</p><p>“Not interested,” Alex said.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Can I get down?” Jake asked as they got to the gate.</p><p>Matteo let him down and he went to stand by Jamilah holding her hand as they walked up to the door.</p><p>“Why won’t you walk the dog with me?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Why would I want to?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Because you like dogs, you just said,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Yeah, but when I'm gone who will walk the dumb dog?” Alex muttered.</p><p>Matteo opened the door and let them all in. Jamilah frowned at her.</p><p>“Where are you going?” she asked.</p><p>“Wherever they send me next,” Alex said, kicking off her shoes and heading upstairs, slamming the door behind her.</p><p>Jamilah made to follow her but Matteo grabbed her shoulder and shook his head.</p><p>“Homework?” he asked her.</p><p>“I have times tables,” she told him.</p><p>“Jake?”</p><p>He shook his head.</p><p>“Just reading stories,” he said.</p><p>“Ok we’ll read together a bit later, or when daddy calls. Jammy you need to practice your times tables, do you all want to go in the living room and get started, take Matty? I’ll be down in a minute I just want to check on Alex,” he said.</p><p>They both nodded, grabbed Matty and headed to the living room. </p><p>Matteo went upstairs and knocked softly on Alex’s door.</p><p>“What?” she demanded.</p><p>“Can I come in?” he asked.</p><p>“No!”</p><p>“Can I open the door?” he asked.</p><p>The door swung open and Alex stood there glaring at him.</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>“Checking if you’re ok?”</p><p>“I’m fine just leave me alone,” she said.</p><p>“Ok no worries, I was just checking. But er... I'm making dinner soon, is there anything you don’t want?” he checked.</p><p>“Don’t care,” she said.</p><p>“Ok that’s fine, I’m a bit tired so I was just going to do a stirfry, nice and easy but still proper food, does that sound good?” he asked.</p><p>Alex shrugged so he waited, watching her shuffle her feet. He hated this, she seemed so angry but it was just because she was so unsure, and he just wanted to take it all away, make her feel confident and able to speak up for herself. Because despite the anger she was so quiet and he was pretty sure that wasn’t really who she was. So even though it annoyed her he was going to have to double-check things with her to make sure that if she couldn’t speak up at first she knew she did have a space to speak.</p><p>“Alex?” he asked gently, “if you don’t like stir fry I can make something else or you can use the kitchen if you don’t trust me,” he joked, “but I promise I’m not bad or-”</p><p>“Just get mad!” she yelled, making him jump, “just get mad! Don’t ask me what I want, just tell me! If we’re having stirfry then that’s what we’re eating. Stop pretending like I have a fucking choice!”</p><p>She was close to tears trying so hard not to let it show, she was shaking where she stood, her hands were fists at her sides as she tried to hold it together.</p><p>“Need a minute?” Matteo asked gently.</p><p>She slammed the door in his face.</p><p>“Papa?” Jamilah asked from the bottom of the stairs.</p><p>“It’s all ok, don’t be scared,” he assured her.</p><p>“I’m not scared,” she said, “is Alex ok? Does she need a hug?” she asked.</p><p>“Not right now, and I think with Alex we should only do hugs if she asks for one, otherwise please give her space ok? We’re going to have a family chat about this in a bit. Are you three ok?”</p><p>“Matty’s playing and I’m teaching Jake times tables but he won’t listen to me,” she said.</p><p>“Ok, well I'll be down in a minute,” he said, he listened to her run off then turned back to Alex’s door, “Alex, can I open the door?” he asked.</p><p>“Please go away,” she whispered.</p><p>He really wanted to, wanted to give her space but she was clearly crying now.</p><p>“Alex? I’m not going to come in. I’m not going to open this door without your permission but I am going to wait because I need to know that you’re ok,” he explained.</p><p>He heard her shuffling and then she slowly opened the door. He stayed on his side.</p><p>“I’ll eat your stupid food, please just leave me alone,” she said tiredly.</p><p>He smiled sadly at her.</p><p>“Ok… well I'm an ok cook so try it but if you don’t like it I'll make you something else, I can make curry, burgers, anything you want, pasta is my speciality because I'm Italian, pizza too but if there’s anything fancier I'm sure we can figure it out. Or there’s sandwich stuff, I lived on sandwiches when I was your age,” he told her with a smile.</p><p>She didn’t smile back, just nodded.</p><p>“Ok,” she said.</p><p>“Ok, well I’m doing homework with Jammy first and then I’ll start on dinner, I'll call you when it’s ready,” he said.</p><p>“Ok,” she said.</p><p>Matteo headed to the stairs.</p><p>“Matteo?” she asked and her voice was so small and quiet that he stopped dead.</p><p>An uncomfortable feeling settled over him and he just knew she was going to tell him something horrible. He turned to face her again, slowly walking back to the doorway.</p><p>“Yeah?” he asked gently.</p><p>“It’s really dumb but… I don’t… I don’t eat meat,” she said.</p><p>“Oh? Ok, that’s fine, what about eggs? We’re not having eggs but do you eat them? I think the noodles are egg but I can make rice instead,” he suggested.</p><p>“Er… yeah, eggs are fine,” she said, “I like noodles.”</p><p>“Perfect, ok so you’re vegetarian?” he asked.</p><p>“Yes,” she said.</p><p>Matteo sat down in the doorway and she joined him, a little distance away.</p><p>“Ok, so you must like mushrooms right?”</p><p>She pulled a face wrinkling her nose.</p><p>“You're a veggie but you don’t eat mushrooms? Madness. David hates mushrooms, Jake too. It’s fine. You’re all wrong but it’s fine. But it’ll just be peppers and broccoli and stuff. Jamilah and Jake will have chicken but I'll do it separately don’t worry. How does that sound?”</p><p>“Sorry for being so difficult,” she muttered.</p><p>“Hey don’t do that, it’s no hassle to me, I love to cook. Do you eat tofu or soya? Do you like to cook? If you want to cook your own food you can, or if you tell me what you like and I’ll try and make it,” he suggested. “Just give me a few attempts before you judge it ok?”</p><p>“I haven’t tried tofu since I was little, no one would buy it for me,” she said.</p><p>“Ok well you’re not at school till Wednesday so we can go grocery shopping tomorrow, you, me, and Mimmo, this will be fun. I’ll look up some recipes and we can try stuff. Do you want me to teach you to cook? I’m teaching Jake but Jamilah isn’t interested,” he said.</p><p>To his surprise Alex started to cry, she tried so desperately to stop it, to hide it but she couldn’t.</p><p>“Hey hey, what’s wrong?” he said softly, forgetting himself and moving closer.</p><p>She immediately backed away.</p><p>“Please don’t touch me,” she whispered.</p><p>“Ok I’m sorry,” he said, holding up his hands and sitting back.</p><p>She was still wearing David’s jacket and she held it around herself tightly. He just wanted to give her a hug. He wondered how long it had been since she’d had one. He desperately hoped she had friends at school she trusted.</p><p>“Alex?” he said gently.</p><p>“Why are you letting me be so difficult?” she asked. “It’s so stupid, I’m being fussy, you’re supposed to tell me what I can eat, I’m not supposed to decide.”</p><p>He didn’t really understand what she was asking. He supposed maybe at previous placements they’d made a point of highlighting her dietary requirements as difficult. It was bullshit but that had happened to Jamilah, they’d refused to give her Halal but she’d been too young to really understand it. But it wasn’t hard to make a little effort and make sure they all got something to eat that they liked. It was illegal for the foster parents not to feed them properly, that included respecting their diets, even if that diet was a choice. Not that he’d even consider not feeding them what they wanted.</p><p>“Difficult? It’s not difficult, you can eat what you want? Within reason I mean, no matter how many times the kids ask for chocolate for breakfast they don’t get it, I guess I can’t really stop you, but I will strongly advise against it, or at least suggest some fruit too,” he teased.</p><p>“They wouldn’t let me,” she whispered.</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“The place I was at before,” she said.</p><p>“Natasha and Klaus?”</p><p>“No Mr and Mrs Oliver, before Natasha’s, they wouldn’t let me be a vegetarian. Said I was just acting out and that I would eat what I was given or starve. So they gave me meat first, I would’ve just eaten the vegetables so that I wasn’t being difficult but they only gave me chicken or sausages first. And like meat is more expensive right? It would’ve been cheaper if they just gave me potatoes or rice. I was so hungry I had to eat it and it gave me such a stomach ache.”</p><p>Matteo closed his eyes for a second to stay calm, he could feel the tears welling up behind his eyelids.</p><p>“How long were you there for?” he asked her.</p><p>“Four months. I know it’s stupid, I know it’s not even close to the worst thing that’s happened to me over the years, it wasn’t even physical but… I just gave in I ate it because I was hungry and even after everything that’s the least in control I've felt over my life. Like they made me eat meat, they took away my door. They locked the kitchen. They screamed at me. Made me exercise. But they would say they were helping, that I was eating too many carbs. Said I was unhealthy, that it was for my own good. Just shit like that you know? Other places could be shitty and like because I wouldn’t eat meat they’d just give me bread or chips, like noodles or rice and stuff, or I would have to cook my own food but no one had ever tried to starve me before and I felt so fucking helpless,” she said, furiously rubbing her eyes.</p><p>“Shit,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“Why are <em>you </em>crying?” she demanded, trying to scowl at him.</p><p>“Sorry I'm too emotional I cry really easily, you’ll get used to it. Alex, I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you’ve told me is awful, it’s disgusting that they treated you this way. But none of it was your fault, they used food as a way to control you and the other kids?”</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“Do you understand what was happening? They weren’t punishing you, you’d done nothing wrong. They were controlling you and that was abuse ok? This wasn’t even about you being a vegetarian, they just used that as a way to hurt you. Restricting your food is abuse and they are in trouble you know? They’re going to go to jail and they won’t be allowed to foster again. I know you already see a therapist, Sandra’s sorted that. You talk about this there?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” she said.</p><p>“Ok well they’re probably better placed than me to help you work through this and anything else that’s happened to you in any of your placements but anything I can do to make it easier for you I will. Seriously you can help yourself to whatever food you want in the kitchen, nothing is locked away, if there’s something else you want let me know and we’ll add it to the groceries. The snacks and stuff are pretty kid-oriented but help yourself. If you use something up? That’s cool just let me know,” he told her.</p><p>“Ok,” she said quietly, “are there rules?”</p><p>“Rules, like house rules?” he asked.</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“No, I think because they’re so young still. Like they have a bedtime but if they stay up I don’t really do anything about it, maybe I’m too soft. I don’t know. But Jake has nightmares so forcing him to stay in his room would be harmful. Plus they know when they’re tired and they go to sleep anyway, it gets to about eight and they get all droopy. Man, you’re putting me on the spot here. Would you like rules? What would they be? David might be better at this, I was my mama’s carer from about fourteen so I didn’t have rules. David left home at sixteen and his parents' rules weren’t good examples. We really are making it up as we go. This is all very sudden. Oh! We do have one house rule. No yelling,” he told her.</p><p>“Oh shit,” she muttered.</p><p>“No, David and I will never yell at any of you and if we ever do you gotta call us out on it, that’s one of the rules. You can yell as much as you need, you’re young and you’re going through a lot and it will hopefully lessen as you settle in but for us as grown adults to yell at you? That’s not ok,” he told her.</p><p>“Wow,” she said.</p><p>“What kind of rules did you have at your other foster homes?” he asked.</p><p>She shrugged.</p><p>“Ok, they probably weren’t any good. But you need some? For structure?” he suggested.</p><p>He understood that going from somewhere overly strict and controlling to no ground rules would leave her completely unsure and would be too much of a struggle to adjust to. Plus they must have rules he just didn’t really know what they were, they’d never had a conversation about it they all just knew it.</p><p>She nodded. </p><p>“Hmm. Ok, I’m making this up as I go. I’m not going to give you a bedtime but I don’t want you staying up all night either, not doing homework or playing video games. Sleep is really important. If you want to go out with friends I don’t want you out late during the week so be back by ten?” he suggested, “if you're staying out I need to know where and it has to be a friend’s house. I need you to check-in too. That curfew of ten, if you’re out that late and you need to get home I want you to call me or David. Actually, even if it’s only eight-thirty call us. I’d rather pick you up than have you catching the bus at night. That’s just me worrying. Does that make sense?”</p><p>“Yeah,” she said.</p><p>“Don’t lie to me. You don’t have to tell me everything but don’t lie. If there’s something you don’t want me to know just say that. It’s fine. I get it. There’ll be stuff I just don’t get and stuff I don’t need to know. But if it’s something that’s going to harm you or someone else if you were to keep it secret I need you to tell me, even if it’s about me or David ok?” he asked.</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“What about grades?”</p><p>“What about them?”</p><p>“How high do they have to be?”</p><p>“I don’t understand,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Like what grade will I start being punished at? Like if I go below a B what will happen?”</p><p>“Nothing, what? Jesus nothing will happen Alex. Do you have a B?”</p><p>“I have a B plus average, but in art I have an A,” she said.</p><p>“Alex that’s really good, that’s really really good. But if you get a bad homework score and you want to vent about it please do. If it’s because you didn’t study I’ll tell you that’s why. If it’s because you’re struggling we’ll help. If you want me to help you get better grades I can try or we find someone who can. Although it sounds like you’re doing amazing. But I’m good at science and maths, but I can help with Spanish or Italian too. David is arts, film, and sport. We’re both ok at history and geography. So we’ve probably got the basics covered,” he offered.</p><p>“Oh,” she said.</p><p>“Alex, we don’t do punishment over grades ok? Your school grades are for your future not a way of controlling you. We want you to do well but it’s our duty to help you. But if one of the kids does something naughty I try to talk to them. They’re just kids you know? They do understand. But then what is naughty? Some parents would tell Jake off for drawing on the wall but he likes to draw, he’s creative. So we painted that wall,” he pointed to the wall behind her, “like a whiteboard and got him special pens. It might be useful to you to make notes on. I don’t know how to define naughty. Usually, if they do something wrong it’s because they don’t know better. But like you they’ve had some bad times. Jake is convinced he’s a bad child so I’ll probably try to encourage him to be a bit naughty with stuff like that because I can’t have him thinking that ever, I need him to know I love him no matter what he’s doing,” he said.</p><p>“Please don’t send me away,” Alex whispered, eyes shining.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I’m sorry for being hostile, please give me another chance I want to stay, I’ll be better I promise,” she insisted, trying to wipe away her tears.</p><p>He didn’t know what it was in all that rambling she'd just heard that convinced her but he was just glad she wanted to stay.</p><p>“Hey none of that, you’re not going anywhere till you want to ok? You’re allowed to be moody, you’re allowed to be annoying, you’re just a teenager. And you can absolutely question me, argue with me, challenge me, you are on the cusp of independence and you’re learning where you fit in the world. The only way you can do that is to try these things out. Don’t worry I’ll tell you if you take it too far but don’t change. We’re not going to send you away. I want you to let go of the anger because you feel safe not because you think I’ll send you away,” he insisted.</p><p>“Ok. Ok. I think I need some space,” she said.</p><p>He got that, he’d been up there talking a lot longer than he was expecting. Not that he minded, but he understood how tiring that could be.</p><p>“Ok and that’s fine, I'll call you when dinner’s ready ok?”</p><p>“Ok,” she mumbled.</p><p>He watched her get up and curl up on the bed, hugging David’s jacket tightly around herself. After a second she reached out and grabbed the toy dragon, holding it tight. He sighed and shut the door to quietly.</p><p>Matteo went back downstairs and paused in the kitchen to calm down. He’d kept it together while he was up there but he wanted to break down now he was out of sight. He ended up sinking to the floor to calm down.</p><p>“Papa is Alex ok?” Jake asked </p><p>"I think so," Matteo said. </p><p>"Ok."</p><p>"Jakey?" Matteo asked softly. </p><p>"Yeah?" Jake asked, swinging his arms and rocking on his feet. </p><p>"Can I have a hug?" </p><p>Jake just climbed into his arms and cuddled against him. </p><p>"Sweet boy," Matteo murmured. </p><p>"Did Alex make you sad?" Jake asked. </p><p>"Yeah because she’s sad," Matteo said. </p><p>"Give her cake then. Cake makes me happy," Jake said. </p><p>"That is a very good point, we’ll have our cake after dinner," Matteo said. </p><p>"Yay!" </p><p>"Is Jammy doing her times tables?" Matteo asked. </p><p>"Yeah and Matty fell asleep," Jake said. </p><p>"Ok let's go help her," Matteo said, standing up without putting Jake down. </p><p>"Ok, can I do colouring?" Jake asked. </p><p>"Yes, where's your box?" Matteo asked as they walked into the living room. </p><p>Matty had indeed fallen asleep on his playmat. Jamilah was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room, computer tablet on her lap tapping away. She didn't even look up, too focussed. </p><p>Jake pointed out the arts and crafts box. It was on a shelf too high for him to reach. Not because he wasn't allowed but because Matteo had tried to make the living room at least seem tidy. He lifted it down and helped him get his crayons out. </p><p>"How's it going Jammy?" he asked sitting down beside her. </p><p>"I’m doing my nines," she told him. </p><p>"No! That's so high! You’re so smart," Matteo said. </p><p>"Jammy knows everything," Jake said. </p><p>"She really does," Matteo agreed. </p><p>"Can you test me?" she asked. </p><p>“Ok hold on,” Matteo said, he looked into the crafts box, “Jakey do you want blank paper?” he asked.</p><p>“Yes, please. Can I have yellow?” he asked.</p><p>Matteo pulled out the paper and handed it over.</p><p>“Here you go,” he said, smiling as he watched Jake settle down and begin to draw, “ok Jammy let’s go,” he said, laying on the floor next to where Matty was sleeping. </p><p>“Don’t fall asleep,” Jamilah warned.</p><p>“I won’t,” Matteo said, closing his eyes.</p><p>“You have to concentrate papa,” Jamilah insisted.</p><p>“I am,” he said, grinning, “what’s four times nine?” he asked.</p><p>“Um…”</p><p>“Do you need to do it in order?” he asked.</p><p>“No, I know it… thirty-six!” she said.</p><p>“That’s right, ok how about seven times nine?”</p><p>“Sixty-three!”</p><p>“Clever girl, two times nine?”</p><p>“Eighteen!</p><p>“Five times nine?”</p><p>“Forty-five.”</p><p>“You’re so smart how-”</p><p>Jamilah prodded him in the face until he opened his eyes.</p><p>“Do you actually know?” she demanded.</p><p>“Excuse me?” he said, prodding her back.</p><p>“Do you actually know the answers? Or are you just pretending?” she asked.</p><p>“I know all the answers,” Matteo said, sticking his tongue out at her.</p><p>“Oh yeah what's nine times nine?” she asked.</p><p>“Eighty-one,” he told her.</p><p>“Yeah ok what’s nine times... times... times twenty?” she asked.</p><p>“One hundred and eighty,” he said.</p><p>She stared as she tried to figure it out.</p><p>“Um… um…” </p><p>“Let me show you? Can I have a piece of paper Jake?” he asked.</p><p>Jake nodded and continued to draw. Matteo took a blue sheet and placed it in front of Jamilah. She may have all these fancy teaching apps but he only knew how to do it longhand.</p><p>“Ok look do you know how to do multiplication by hand?” he asked.</p><p>“No. Yes. I don’t know,” she said.</p><p>Matteo wrote out nine times two and turned it to her.</p><p>“Oh I know this,” she said, taking the pencil from him and filling it in.</p><p>“Exactly,” he said, then beside the first calculation he wrote out nine times twenty and she did the same, writing the answer he’d told her.</p><p>“So do you see it’s just an extra zero?” he asked.</p><p>“Oh! I do see it! So nine times two hundred would be… would be…” </p><p>She looked down at the paper frowning in concentration then she added another zero.</p><p>“One thousand eight hundred?” she asked slowly.</p><p>“Perfect,” he said.</p><p>“Wow Jammy,” Jake whispered.</p><p>“But you did it in your head,” she said.</p><p>“Well so did you really, it’s in your head your just using the paper to keep track. As you get faster you can hold more in your head and you won’t need to write it as much,” Matteo explained, at least that was how it was for him, except he never really needed to write it down, “but if you do need to write it that's fine too,” he assured her.</p><p>“Oh yeah! I want to do more!” she said, pushing the sheet of paper towards him.</p><p>“Ok so you just gotta break it up into easier parts, ones that your brain can manage easily, then add it back together at the end, the trickiest bit is remembering all the parts, that’s what the paper is for,” he told her.</p><p>He wrote out forty-five times nine</p><p>“That’s really hard,” she said, but she took the pencil from him anyway.</p><p>“But try it,” he said.</p><p>She frowned at the paper.</p><p>“Nine times five?” he prompted.</p><p>“Forty-five,” she said after a moment.</p><p>“Yep,” he said. </p><p>She wrote it in the correct place.</p><p>“Nine times forty?” he asked.</p><p>“I don’t know, yes I do just wait… it’s thirty-six with an extra zero. It’s three hundred and sixty,” she said.</p><p>“Perfect now add them,” he said, watching her scribble away.</p><p>“Four hundred and five?” she said, reading out what she’d written.</p><p>“That’s right,” he said.</p><p>“Wow,” Jake said, staring at them.</p><p>“So in my head, I do it just like that. I know nine times five is forty-five, I know nine times four is thirty-six so nine times forty must be three hundred and sixty and then I find adding quite easy but you can break that down too if you need to,” he said.</p><p>“Can you do bigger?” she asked.</p><p>“How big?”</p><p>“Ninety… no ninety-<em>nine</em> times forty-five,” she said, trying to challenge him.</p><p>“It’s kind of the same,” he told her.</p><p>How</p><p>“Ok so we know nine times forty-five is?”</p><p>“Four hundred and five,” she said, pointing at her earlier answer.</p><p>“So ninety times forty-five will be?”</p><p>She looked down at the paper and blinked then drew a zero and looked up at him.</p><p>“That’s right,” he said.</p><p>“Four thousand and fifty?”</p><p>“Four thousand and fifty,” he confirmed.</p><p>“So we add them?” she asked.</p><p>“Yep,” he said.</p><p>“I don’t think I can do that in my head,” she admitted.</p><p>“Then you can write it, it’s just as smart,” he promised.</p><p>She did as he directed and grinned.</p><p>“Oh it’s four-thousand four-hundred and fifty-five,” she said.</p><p>“That’s right,” he said.</p><p>“Papa I'm a genius,” she said.</p><p>“You are,” he agreed.</p><p>“Give me more,” she demanded.</p><p>Matteo just smiled and took the paper from her. He turned it over and scribbled out some multiplications for her to do. It would certainly keep her busy</p><p>“We don’t do it like this at school,” she told him.</p><p>“Doesn’t make it wrong,” he said, “if you get grief I'll talk to your teacher,” he said.</p><p>He didn’t think she would, the general consensus now seemed to be there were many routes to get the correct answer and as long as it was in a way the pupil understood and worked it counted.</p><p>It was different when he was a kid, he remembered handing in several homeworks where he’d handed in his answers with no working because he’d done it in his head. Every time he’d been accused of cheating and he struggled to get across how he’d actually worked it out. </p><p>“I’m such a genius,” Jamilah kept saying to herself.</p><p> He grinned at her and then rolled over to Jake to look at his drawing.</p><p>“Is this Alex?” he checked, pointing to the shaky rendition of a tall girl with bright red and orange stripy hair.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said.</p><p>“It’s really good, and is this you?” Matteo asked, pointing at the little triangle with a squarish head covered in orange curly hair.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jake said.</p><p>“Looks just like you,” Matteo said, not pointing out that Jake’s hair wasn’t curly.</p><p>“Really?” he asked.</p><p>“Yes,” he said, “I like the hair,” he said.</p><p>“My hair's not that orange,” Jake said, “but I like it, how do I get curly hair like daddy’s?” he asked.</p><p>“I don’t know, I think it’s too short,” Matteo said, “maybe with plaits? Ask daddy,” he suggested.</p><p>“Ok. Do you think she’ll like it on her wall?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Maybe, but if she doesn’t, don't be upset,” he warned.</p><p>“Ok,” he said, continuing to draw, “she’s very sad isn’t she?”</p><p>“Yes,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It might make her smile,” Jake said.</p><p>“D’you know it just might, let me know when it's ready and we’ll take it up to her,” he said.</p><p>“Ok, are you going to sleep?” Jake said.</p><p>“No… I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute,” he said quietly.</p><p>“Ok papa,” he said.</p><p>Matteo rolled onto his front, next to Matty and let his eyes drift closed, just listening to the sounds of the kids scribbling away.</p><p>“Jamilah if you get bored you can play,” he reminded her quietly, not wanting her to get too wrapped up in maths, but at least she seemed to be enjoying it.</p><p>He didn’t mean to drift off, was just going to close his eyes for a moment but he still jumped when Jake squeezed his nose.</p><p>“Papa,” he said.</p><p>“Mm.”</p><p>He didn’t open his eyes yet, still too sleepy.</p><p>“Papa you fell asleep,” Jake said.</p><p>“So I did, what’s up?” he asked.</p><p>“Matty needs his nappy changed and my picture is ready,” he said.</p><p>“Ok,” he said, sitting up with a groan.</p><p>“Jammy?” he said. </p><p>She didn’t look up. “I have four more sums, then will you check them?” she asked.</p><p>“Ok we’re gonna check in on Alex, then make dinner. Are you hungry?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” she mumbled but she wasn’t really listening.</p><p>“Ok dinner in a bit, Jakey there is blu tack in the top drawer in daddy’s office do you want to grab it while I do the nappy?” he asked, grabbing the changing bag from the pram Jamilah had left in there.</p><p>“It’s smelly papa,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“I know we have a very smelly baby on our hands here, don’t we?” he said. </p><p>Jamilah just giggled and carried on with her work.</p><p>“Smelly smelly little Mimmo,” Matteo cooed as he redressed Matty and picked him up.</p><p>“Ready?” he asked Jake, who was waiting at the bottom of the stairs.</p><p>“I’m nervous,” Jake admitted.</p><p>“She’s really nice, I think she likes you the best, come on,” he said.</p><p>They headed upstairs and Jake gently knocked on the door.</p><p>Alex opened it. She looked like she’d been crying a lot since he’d left. Her eyes were red and still watering. She rubbed at them.</p><p>“Hey? Ok?”</p><p>She shrugged.</p><p>Jake held out his drawing.</p><p>“What’s this?” she asked.</p><p>“For your wall,” Jake whispered.</p><p>Alex took it and frowned.</p><p>“Here,” Jake said, handing over the blu tack.</p><p>Alex looked up at Matteo who just smiled at her, then she looked back at Jake.</p><p>“Thank you,” she said.</p><p>“You’re welcome,” Jake said then ran away.</p><p>“He’s so shy today,” Matteo said, “you don’t have to hang it,” he told her.</p><p>“No I will,” she said.</p><p>“And do you like posters of like music bands? We can get some or some photos. David has a photo printer in the office, it can even do polaroids, I know how to work it, we can connect it to your phone?” he suggested.</p><p>“Ok yes please could I… could I get string lights? For the walls,” she asked.</p><p>“Yes! That will look cool. We might have some in the attic, let’s check tomorrow. I'll ask David he’ll know. He had some with pegs and used to have photos strung up, that was in our old apartment,” he told her.</p><p>“Ok,” she said.</p><p>“You have a phone?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” she said.</p><p>“Do you have a laptop or a tablet?”</p><p>“No,” she said.</p><p>“Ok hold on,” he said.</p><p>He handed Matty to her, ran down to the study and grabbed David’s tablet and the charger. It was older so it would probably be dead. He took it up to her and swapped it for his son who had grabbed fistfuls of her braids. He tickled him to make him let go and he squealed.</p><p>“Sorry, he likes colourful things. Here you go, it’ll need a charge,” he said, “we’ll get you your own or a laptop, you know for homework and stuff,” he said, gesturing to the desk in the corner.</p><p>He hadn’t gotten one yet because he didn’t know what she needed, it sounded like she was into art so she might need something a bit faster than just movies and word processing.</p><p>“Oh,” she said.</p><p>“But do you want to take a look, see what you want for your room? And if you chose a laptop, we’ll get it sorted. Make sure you choose one suitable to the work you do, like art specs or whatever,” he reminded her.</p><p>“Thank you,” she whispered.</p><p>“No worries, you take a look make a list,” he suggested.</p><p>“Can I get books? My own books?” she asked.</p><p>“Of course, good idea. You better fill the shelf up or Jake will be sneaking back in and filling the shelves again,” he warned her.</p><p>He listened out, and the kids weren’t shouting for him yet.</p><p>“Alex?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>He sat down in the doorway again and she did the same.</p><p>“Jake and Jamilah, they’re used to being in and out of each others’ rooms. They don’t know different but I can tell them not to come in here without your permission,” he told her.</p><p>He knew how important her privacy was to her, but didn’t know whether that extended to the kids.</p><p>“Ok,” she said.</p><p>“Ok?”</p><p>“You don’t have to,” she said, “I don’t mind them coming in if I'm in here”</p><p>“Just me?” he teased, “which is fine,” he added before she panicked, “I'll tell them that then. But if they get annoying just tell them, and if they don’t stop tell me.”</p><p>“Ok but I don’t… I don’t like being touched a lot,” she said, “even by them.”</p><p>“I can tell them,” he assured her.</p><p>“I know they won’t hurt me, just sudden movements make me jumpy, they just… they have to ask before touching,” she explained.</p><p>“Ok Alex that’s absolutely fine, they’ll understand just be patient with them if they fuck up the first couple of times,” he said.</p><p>“No that’s ok, I get that they’re just little. But you can’t at all or your husband,” she said.</p><p>“Noted. Alex your comfort and safety comes first ok? Don’t worry about being rude to me or David, or anyone for that matter,” he told her.</p><p>“Ok thank you,” she said.</p><p>Matteo could tell just how much she appreciated that.</p><p>“Not a problem,” he assured her, “right I'm gonna go cook, dinner in about twenty minutes, will you eat with us?” he asked.</p><p>“Do I have to?” she asked.</p><p>“I’d really like it if you did,” he said.</p><p>She looked at him as he stood up.</p><p>“You get your way a lot huh?” she asked.</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>“You have one of those faces, I feel mean saying no,” she explained.</p><p>“I do not, look you can eat up here, you can eat in the garden, whatever you want but maybe today you could eat with us,” he said.</p><p>“Ok,” she said.</p><p> He left her to it, heading back downstairs. Jake was at the bottom of the stairs now.</p><p>“Hey Jakey you just waiting?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said.</p><p>“Shall we cook?” he said, leading Jake to the kitchen.</p><p>“Jamilah’s making up new sums,” Jake told him.</p><p>“That’ll keep her busy,” Matteo said.</p><p>He put Matty in the high chair so he could watch them.</p><p>“When are we giving Alex her cake?” Jake asked as Matteo got everything they needed from the fridge.</p><p>“After dinner?” he suggested.</p><p>He put the vegetables and chicken on one counter, then picked Jake up and sat him on the other side.</p><p>“Alex is a vegetarian,” he told him.</p><p>“What does that mean?” he asked.</p><p>“She doesn’t eat meat,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I didn’t actually ask,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Can I ask?”</p><p>“Yes, but she might not tell you,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“Ok. I like her,” Jake said, “she likes my drawings,” he said.</p><p>“That’s good. So because she’s veggie we’re going to cook her dinner in a separate pan, can you get me two?” he asked, putting him down on the floor again.</p><p>“Yes papa, what pans?” he asked, running off to the cupboard.</p><p>“Get me a wok and the other big frying pan, please,” he said.</p><p>“Wok,” Jake said, carefully carrying it over.</p><p>“Thank you,” Matteo said.</p><p>“This frying pan?” Jake asked, struggling to get it out of the cupboard.</p><p>When it came loose he fell on his bottom but he just laughed.</p><p>“Ok?” Matteo checked.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jake said, giggling.</p><p>“That’s the one,” Matteo told him, taking the pan in one hand and setting Jake back on his feet with the other.</p><p>“Can I chop?” Jake asked, pulling his stool out and climbing up to watch.</p><p>“No but you can help stir in a minute,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok,” Jakey said, watching closely.</p><p>Matteo chopped it slowly, keeping an eye on Jake’s fingers knowing how they sometimes drifted too close. </p><p>“Alex also doesn’t like mushrooms,” he told him.</p><p>“Alex is smart,” Jake said.</p><p>“No, me and Jammy are smart,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No! Me and daddy and Alex are smart. No mushrooms!” Jake said.</p><p>“No mushrooms,” Matteo repeated, taking the chopped up chicken and tossing it in the pan. </p><p>He put the board to one side and grabbed another and the vegetable knife. He began to chop the vegetables, pushing Jake’s wandering fingers aside, passing him a piece of pepper to chew on.</p><p>“Noodles?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yeah they’re in that cupboard,” Matteo said, heating the water.</p><p>“Can I snap them?”</p><p>“When the water’s ready,” he told him.</p><p>“Yay! Is daddy calling tonight?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yeah, he is,” Matteo told him.</p><p>“How many days until he comes home?”</p><p>“Soon Jakey,” Matteo promised, “ask him tonight?” he suggested, knowing that David wanted to tell them tonight.</p><p>“Ok. I love noodles,” Jake said, holding the packet in his hands and running his fingers over the packet feeling the grooves of the noodles underneath.</p><p>Matteo tossed the vegetables in the wok and handed Jake the spatula, guiding him up onto his stool.</p><p>“Ok? Can you reach?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jake said, sticking out his tongue as he focussed.</p><p>“Careful,” Matteo warned, holding him back slightly so that he didn’t lean over too far.</p><p>“Ok, can I add sauce?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yeah let me check,” Matteo said, grabbing the jar and looking through the ingredients.</p><p>“What are you checking?” Jake asked him.</p><p>“Whether its veggie,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“Is there meat in sauce?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Sometimes but not this one,” Matteo said, twisting off the lid and handing it over.</p><p>“How much?”</p><p>“Pour it slowly and can you stir at the same time?”</p><p>Jake nodded and very carefully poured the sauce and tried to stir it in. Matteo took hold of his wrist gently and helped him.</p><p>“Ok a little bit more,” Matteo said.</p><p>“A bit more?” Jake checked.</p><p>“Yeah ok, that's it, perfect. Pass me the jar,” he said, taking it from Jake and adding the rest to the chicken, “now give it a good stir,” he said.</p><p>He kept a hand on Jake’s back and turned to Matty. “Hey Mimmo hungry?” he said, stroking his cheeks.</p><p>Matty gurgled and bounced in his chair.</p><p>“Is Matty having some?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yes I chopped it small and I'll mash it a little when it's done,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Noodles?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yep snap them up,” Matteo said.</p><p>Jakey crumbled the noodles into the water just as Matteo realised Alex probably ate her noodles whole. The kids preferred them broken up because it was less messy. Hopefully, she wouldn’t mind too much.</p><p>“Ok now jump down and get a strainer,” Matteo directed.</p><p>“Into the sink?” Jake checked.</p><p>“Yes good boy, step back,” Matteo warned. </p><p>“Can I-”</p><p>“Ah ah too hot,” Matteo said, blocking him from getting too close. </p><p>“Ok,” Jake said, watching him pour the water away, gripping onto Matteo’s jeans as the steam rose.</p><p>“Mix it?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yep climb back up,” Matteo said.</p><p>He poured the noodles into the wok and helped Jakey to stir them around the pan.</p><p>“All done, see that was easy wasn’t it?” Matteo said, “ok bowls?”</p><p>Jake climbed down and grabbed his and Jamilah’s bright plastic bowls. Purple for him and green for her.</p><p>Matteo grabbed a regular bowl for Alex.</p><p>“On the table?” Jake checked.</p><p>“Yes please,” Matteo said, filling each bowl, “ok go get Alex and Jamilah,” he said.</p><p>“Shout Alex?”</p><p>“Yeah just shout her, she’ll come down,” Matteo said.</p><p>He cut Matty’s up extra small, adding a little chicken to his and plenty to Jamilah and Jake’s.</p><p>Jamilah came running in.</p><p>“Papa I did so much,” she said thrusting her papers into his hands. </p><p>Matteo put them onto the table and made sure she was sat properly.</p><p>“I’ll check them in a minute, eat up please,” he said.</p><p>She grinned at him.</p><p>“Hi Alex!” she said, waving excitedly. </p><p>“Hi,” Alex said, slowly walking into the room, assessing the scene.</p><p>“Papa you meanie, you didn’t give Alex any chicken,” she said.</p><p>“Alex is a… a vege- vege- tenerian,” Jake said.</p><p>“Vegetarian,” Matteo corrected, “you can just say veggie,” he said.</p><p>“I wanna be a vegetarian,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“No you don’t,” Matteo said, watching Alex help Jake up onto his stool before sitting down opposite him.</p><p>“Don’t worry I checked the sauce um… the noodles are broken up because it’s easier for them I forgot, I’m pretty used to kid food these days,” Matteo explained, as he stirred Matty’s food and started to feed him small spoonfuls.</p><p>“It’s ok, thank you,” she said quietly.</p><p>He watched how quickly she ate, shoving the food down. He knew exactly why. He leant over but not too close.</p><p>“Alex, slow down,” he said gently, “you’ll give yourself a tummy ache. There’s plenty of food, the chicken is separate so you can have as much as you want,” he said.</p><p>She nodded and glanced at the pan, eyes widening when she saw how much food she could have.</p><p>“Papa I do want to be a vegetarian,” Jamilah insisted, while shoving chicken into her mouth.</p><p>“Ok you slow down too, you’re going to choke,” he warned, “do you even know what it is?” he asked.</p><p>“You don’t eat chicken,” she said, which was funny considering how much she was devouring.</p><p>“You don’t eat any meat,” Alex said.</p><p>“What at all?” Jamilah asked incredulously.</p><p>“Nope,” Alex said.</p><p>“Mouth closed Jammy,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I don’t eat ham,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Are you Muslim?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Yes,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“And I don’t eat ham either because we’re twins,” Jake said.</p><p>“That’s right,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Alex?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yes Jake?”</p><p>“Why don’t you eat meat? But you don’t have to answer,” he said, glancing at Matteo who smiled, wrestling with Matty to get him to eat.</p><p>“Because I don’t want to, meat comes from animals, and… it’s better for the environment, and… just am I don’t really question it,” she said.</p><p>“For how long?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Forever… my mum was a vegetarian,” Alex said.</p><p>That made sense why she’d stuck to it without thinking about it too much. It was something from her past she wanted to hold on to.</p><p>“Is she dead?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>Sometimes she sounded far blunter than she intended to come across.</p><p>“Jamilah,” he warned.</p><p>“I… sorry,” Jamilah said, “is she… did she…?” she struggled to rephrase it gently because she was too young to understand how to talk about these things.</p><p>Which was as it should be.</p><p>“She’s dead yeah, when I was six,” Alex said, she didn’t seem upset by Jamilah’s questions.</p><p>She’d lived in a lot of foster homes though, was probably used to the way kids spoke sometimes.</p><p>“Oh my mum’s dead too and my first dad,” she said.</p><p>Even though it was a heavy topic Matteo had to smile at how blase she sounded. He knew she wasn’t that she did miss them but so much happened in between that it made it hard for her to talk about emotionally. So she was just very matter of fact about it and it sounded strange.</p><p>“Stop it,” Jake whispered.</p><p>He glanced at Jake who was staring at her wide-eyed, gripping his cutlery tightly.</p><p>“We weren’t going to ask you, Jake,” Jamilah assured him.</p><p>“Ok,” he said quietly but he’d stopped eating.</p><p>Matteo handed the spoon to Matty hoping he was hungry enough to eat it and not throw it everywhere. He got up and went over to Jake, scooping him up into his arms. He held him tight as Jake clung to him, burying his face against his shoulder. He walked around the kitchen with him like he had done that morning.</p><p>“Hey Jakey Jake,” he soothed, “you ok?” he checked.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said.</p><p>“Good boy,” Matteo said.</p><p>He gave him an extra squeeze then set him back down.</p><p>“Food good?” he asked, crouching beside him.</p><p>“Yummy,” Jake said.</p><p>“That’s because you helped make it,” Matteo told him, “getting full?” he asked.</p><p>He always ate a bit more when he’d helped with the cooking, which was why Matteo tried to encourage him into the kitchen as often as possible.</p><p>“Nearly,” Jake said as he continued to eat.</p><p>“Eat as much as you can,” Matteo said, kissing the top of his head.</p><p>He went back to sit with Matty but didn’t take back the spoon as he seemed to be eating himself albeit slowly.</p><p>“Papa you need to check my answers,” Jamilah reminded him.</p><p>“Ok Jammy,” he said.</p><p>He picked up the sheet of paper and looked through the calculations, they looked good.</p><p>“When do you eat?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Oh er… I'll eat in a bit,” he said, not really feeling up to eating.</p><p>It had been a weird day and he felt out of sorts.</p><p>Jamilah gasped and snatched her work away, shoving her spoon in his face instead.</p><p>Matteo pushed it away.</p><p>“Eat your own,” he said.</p><p>“You’ll forget!”</p><p>Before he’d left David had told her to make sure he didn't forget to eat, a job she took very seriously. Too seriously.</p><p>“Ok ok hold on,” he said, getting up and filling a bowl before sitting back down, “happy?” he asked her.</p><p>“Yes,” she said proudly.</p><p>“So Jamilah is the boss?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Jamilah is the boss,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“I see,” Alex said, grinning slightly in amusement.</p><p>“Alex I'll let you be boss with me,” Jamilah offered.</p><p>“No thanks, I like a quiet life,” Alex said.</p><p>Jamilah giggled. “I am the queen of the house,” she said.</p><p>“Papa, I'm finished can I get the cake?”</p><p>“Ok Jakey carefully,” Matteo said watching him get down while he picked at his own food.</p><p>“Cake?” Alex asked.</p><p>“It’s for you,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“He made it,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Oh,” Alex said.</p><p>Jake took the cake out of the tin and carefully carried it over to the counter. Matteo took it and placed it in the centre and grinned. It was just a plain sponge but then they’d iced it bright yellow and done the writing in purple because those were Jake’s favourite colours.</p><p>The writing was very wobbly and didn’t quite fit on the cake. It said <em>welcom Alex</em> instead but Matteo was proud of him. They’d done it at four in the morning after all.</p><p>“You spelt-”</p><p>“Hush you,” Matteo said to Jamilah.</p><p>“Oh thank you,” Alex said.</p><p>“You’re welcome,” Jake said shyly.</p><p>“Can I cut it?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“No, is everyone finished?” Matteo asked, pushing his bowl aside and grabbing a knife.</p><p>“Yes,” Jamilah said impatiently.</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo said, he cut them each a slice and handed them out.</p><p>“It’s really yummy Jake,” Jamilah said as she shoved it in her mouth.</p><p>Matteo rolled his eyes. David said she ate like him, had picked up all her table etiquette from him. He was almost glad he wasn’t here to see this or he’d be teasing him. Almost glad.</p><p>“Did you really make it?” Alex asked as she ate hers far more delicately.</p><p>“Yes, papa helped. We made it in the middle of the night,” Jake told her.</p><p>“It was around four in the morning,” Matteo clarified.</p><p>“I had a nightmare,” Jake said.</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“But making cake was fun,” he said.</p><p>“It is nice,” she assured him.</p><p>Matteo smiled at her.</p><p>“Is daddy calling today?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Ah shoot! Where’s my phone?” Matteo asked, patting down his pockets and coming up empty.</p><p>“Jacket,” Alex said.</p><p>“Yeah hold on,” Matteo said, getting up from the table and going out into the hall. His phone was indeed in his jacket pocket and David had been trying to contact him for half an hour.</p><p>“Uh oh, papa’s in trouble, five missed calls,” he told them as he walked back into the kitchen.</p><p>“Papa oh no!” Jamilah said, jumping down and trying to get his phone.</p><p>He held it out of reach.</p><p>“Would you like to meet David, Alex?” he asked instead.</p><p>“Yeah, you need to meet daddy! We put him on the big tv,” Jamilah told her.</p><p>“No pressure you can just say hi and then disappear,” Matteo assured her.</p><p>“Ok then,” she said, she seemed nervous but she got up anyway and they headed to the living room.</p><p>“Sit with me Alex,” Jamilah said. </p><p>“Er…”</p><p>“Hold on, Alex you can sit on the comfy chair,” he said, gesturing for her to sit down in the chair by the door.</p><p>That way she could just sneak out if she needed to.</p><p>“Right you two, we need to have a quick chat,” he told them, he sat Matty down on the sofa and handed him his toy phone which he immediately flung across the room.</p><p>Matteo picked it up and gave it back to him then patted the seat on his other side for them to both climb up.</p><p>“Ok,” Jamilah said, “are we in trouble?” she asked.</p><p>“No, but before we call daddy I just want to have a quick chat about boundaries,” he said.</p><p>“Actually Matteo it doesn’t matter, they’re just kids it doesn’t matter,” she said, she was obviously worried about upsetting them but it wouldn’t. She really wanted to fit in with them, despite the age gap. They were her guide in a way. She trusted them over him and didn’t want to upset them. But it wouldn’t.</p><p>“It does Alex, it’s important and we talk about this stuff a lot don’t worry. So I've had a chat with Alex, do you know what I mean by boundaries? We’ve talked about them before,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No,” Jake said.</p><p>“Like lines?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Lines?”</p><p>“In football?” she clarified.</p><p>“Not quite but similar. Ok so Alex do you want me to explain?” he asked.</p><p>“Ok,” she said.</p><p>“So I think Alex doesn’t mind hugs from the two of you, but you have to ask her first, and if she says no you have to respect that, and you can’t pester her for hugs or cuddles,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Don’t you like hugs?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“And don’t ask that like its a weird thing,” Matteo told her.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Not everybody is comfortable hugging remember?” he said.</p><p>“Is it like you?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Like me?” Matteo asked, confused, he liked nothing more than hugging.</p><p>“When you get too upset and you sit on the floor and we can’t hug you until you say it’s ok,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“No that’s a bit different, I get overwhelmed sometimes, it’s a sensory thing, like overload?” he explained, mostly for Alex’s benefit.</p><p>“Oh it’s not like that I just… it’s a trust thing, like logically there’s no way they can hurt me, even you probably can’t hurt me, I just… it’s important to me that I have control over it, and maybe if I get used to them it’ll be ok,” she said.</p><p>“And that’s fine, and it's the same for you two, I know you love hugs but you might not always and that's fine too,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok,” Jake said.</p><p>“So we ask?”</p><p>“Yes,” Matteo said, “and you listen to the answer Jamilah,” he warned.</p><p>“Why me?”</p><p>“I know what you’re like. You ask and then go ahead,” he said.</p><p>“So rude! That’s not true Alex! He’s such a liar and-”</p><p>“Ring daddy please she won’t shut up,” Jake said, grinning cheekily.</p><p>“Jake!” Jamilah exclaimed.</p><p>“Jakey you meanie! Jammy you’re rubbing off on him,” he teased.</p><p>“Am not,” she muttered.</p><p>Matteo noticed that Alex was smiling at the two of them, she stopped as soon as she realised he was watching her but he just grinned as he set up the call.</p><p>David answered immediately, it didn’t even ring.</p><p>“Everything ok?” he asked as soon as it connected.</p><p>He looked pretty stressed, he didn’t like it when he couldn’t get in touch, it worried him.</p><p>“Sorry it’s been a bit busy and my phone was in my jacket pocket,” Matteo explained.</p><p>David’s frowned lessened a little but before he could launch into a complaint about Matteo ignoring him and worrying him Jamilah jumped up and rushed to the screen.</p><p>“Daddy Alex is here!” she said pointing at her.</p><p>David’s frown dropped completely and he smiled warmly at her.</p><p>“Alex hi,” he said gently.</p><p>Alex waved, and then started to fiddle with the sleeves of David’s jacket that she was still wearing, she looked uncomfortable. Didn’t seem to want any attention on her. Matteo supposed she was used to trying to stay invisible.</p><p>“Is that my jacket?” David asked.</p><p>“Oh yeah,” she mumbled, she’d obviously taken it off at some point to take off the hoodie underneath and then put it back on, “sorry.”</p><p>“No it’s fine,” David assured her.</p><p>“Surprised you even recognise it, you haven't worn it in years,” Matteo teased.</p><p>“Don’t call me out babe,” David said, “but it’s true I haven’t. Keep it, it suits you better,” he offered.</p><p>“Oh er... thank you,” she said quietly.</p><p>“So how are you finding the madhouse?” David asked.</p><p>She just shrugged and curled up slightly but David wasn’t deterred.</p><p>“Did you have Jake’s cake?” he asked.</p><p>Alex shrugged again, looking so uncomfortable that Matteo shook his head before David continued with the questions. He just smiled and nodded. He got it. He understood when people needed quiet.</p><p>“Daddy?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yes Jake?” </p><p>“Alex is a veggie,” he told him, glancing at Matteo who nodded.</p><p>“Awesome, that’s really cool Alex,” David said.</p><p>She smiled down at her hands.</p><p>“She doesn’t like mushrooms,” Jake said proudly.</p><p>“She’s wrong!” Jamilah said.</p><p>“She’s right! Ok good so now there’s three of us against the two weirdos who like mushrooms, welcome to team mushroom haters Alex,” David said.</p><p>“My Mimmo eats mushrooms,” Matteo said, challenging him.</p><p>“Matty is too young to know what he’s eating,” David countered, sticking his tongue out at Matteo.</p><p>Jake giggled.</p><p>“So kids I have some news,” David said seriously, wanting their full attention but it was the wrong move.</p><p>The atmosphere changed immediately. Jamilah’s body language changed from relaxed to tense, her arms folded across her chest, head raised as she stared David down as best she could.</p><p>Jake though, he started to cry quietly as he backed away from the screen.</p><p>“No no no,” he whispered.</p><p>Matteo got up but waited when Jake held out his hands.</p><p>“Hey no! Jake hey!” David said, trying to get him to come back.</p><p>Matteo approached him slowly but Jake ran to the door. Alex grabbed him as he ran past, placing two gentle hands on his waist, not holding him firmly but enough to stop him from getting past. She waited, ready to let him go if he struggled but he didn’t, just stared back at her.</p><p>“Jake it’s good news,” David insisted from the screen.</p><p>“Jake come here,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No!” he shouted but he didn’t pull away from Alex.</p><p>“Jake,” David begged.</p><p>“Matteo he’s shaking,” Alex whispered.</p><p>Matteo went over to him, crouched and held out his hands. Slowly Jake went over to him and let him pick him up.</p><p>“Daddy’s coming home,” Matteo whispered, “please let him tell you.”</p><p>Jake’s he stared at him and wiped his eyes. Matteo nodded and crouched down so he was close the screen again.</p><p>“Jakey sweetheart,” David whispered, looking absolutely devastated.</p><p>Matteo put him down on the floor and he ran over to the screen.</p><p>“Daddy are you coming home?” he asked, pressing so hard against the screen it wobbled.</p><p>“I am,” David said.</p><p>“Really?” Jamilah asked, standing beside Jake, arms still crossed, doubt on her face.</p><p>“Really,” David said.</p><p>“When?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“On Friday,” he told them.</p><p>“Friday?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Four days,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Four days? How many? I… I…”</p><p>“Tonight you sleep, then there’s tomorrow, then the next day, then one more day and then daddy will be home,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“It will be at night so you’ll have all day Friday too,” David clarified.</p><p>“Daddy you're coming home,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“I am,” David promised.</p><p>“You’re really coming home,” she said.</p><p>“I really am,” David said.</p><p>“I’ve missed you so much,” Jamilah said.</p><p>They both began to bounce up and down, so excited that Matteo was worried about the tv falling over. He pulled them back slightly but let them continue. </p><p>“Daddy’s coming home!” Jamilah shouted. She ran over to Matty where he was still sitting on the couch, watching all of them sleepily. </p><p>She clapped his hands together and he squealed with excitement.</p><p>“Matteo I think I'm going to go sorry,” Alex whispered.</p><p>“You ok?” he checked.</p><p>“Yeah just… I don’t really… this isn’t my scene,” she said with a shrug.</p><p>She shrugged a lot Matteo had noticed. Trying to feign apathy, make him think she didn’t care. He knew why. She didn’t trust that she was here to stay yet, which was fair she’d only just gotten there. It would take time to build that kind of faith. By pretending not to care the idea was that rejection wouldn’t hurt so much. But it always did, Matteo knew this from experience.</p><p>He knew she felt like she didn’t belong but he also didn't want to force her to stay in there with them when it clearly made her feel uncomfortable.</p><p>“Don’t worry about it, can I check in with you later?” he asked.</p><p>She nodded and he let her go shaking his head at David’s obvious concern. There was little he could do until he got there. But Matteo knew when he did get home he would be there for her completely.</p><p>Instead, he collapsed onto the sofa and watched the twins bouncing around, chattering away to David about him coming home. He had no idea where they got the energy from, especially Jake as he’d been up all night. But then they usually seemed to have all the energy in the world until it suddenly all dissipated in the blink of an eye and they were falling asleep where they stood. Then he had to drag them all to bed. </p><p>For Matteo, the tiredness had been there all day slowly building as the hours passed. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally. Jake’s nightmares, Alex moving in, David telling him he was coming home, it had wiped him out. He just snuggled against Matty too tired to even talk to his husband, even though he wanted to. He just closed his eyes for a minute, Matty was nodding off beside him. He couldn’t sleep yet, he still had to to do bathtime and bedtime. Clearing up the kitchen was probably a write-off, he’d do it in the morning. David had rung too early too. But he got it, he wanted to tell them his news. He was desperate to let them know. It was good news. It was the best news ever. Matteo couldn’t be happier. </p><p>Everything was getting a bit fuzzy as he drifted off again. He needed to stay awake and sort everyone out. But his eyes were hurting he felt shivery and achy all over. The kids were starting to sound far away. Matty was asleep in his arms, his warm heavy weight comforting him. </p><p>“Papa you’re sleeping,” Jake said quietly, squeezing his face, “daddy wants you,” he said.</p><p>Matteo blinked awake.</p><p>“You ok Teo?” David checked.</p><p>“I think... I think it was just nerves about Alex but she’s fine and she’s here and now I can calm down and… David, I'm just tired, I’m so tired,” he said.</p><p>“I get it, Matteo, I’m home soon ok, I’ll be home and you can rest, ok?” David said.</p><p>Matteo just rubbed his face. He was being stupid. It had been three months, plenty of people did this alone for longer than he had. Why was this such a struggle for him?</p><p>“You’ve done so well Matteo but you’re not meant to do this alone, it’s ok that you’re tired. You’re tired because you miss me because the kids miss me, but I’m home soon and everything will be ok,” David promised.</p><p>“Ok. Ok. You’re right,” Matteo said, sighing as he woke himself up. Just a little bit longer and he could go to bed, hopefully, David was free and he could stay on the line until he fell asleep. “Bath time?”</p><p>“I had a bath this morning,” Jake said.</p><p>“That’s true,” Matteo said, he could get away without, “Jamilah, shower?” he asked.</p><p>“Ugh do I have to?” she whined, she was getting overtired, meaning everything was more of a chore than usual</p><p>Matteo sniffed her.</p><p>“Yes you smell,” he said.</p><p>She blew a raspberry in his face.</p><p>“Ok quick shower, just a wash, your hair is fine for a couple more days,” he said.</p><p>“I don’t smell,” Jamilah said, stomping her feet and scowling, completely put out by his comment.</p><p>“You don't,” he assured her, “but you’ll sleep better after a nice warm shower. It’s good to keep up hygiene, ok?” he said.</p><p>“But daddy,” she said.</p><p>“Daddy will stay on the line?”</p><p>“I will, I don’t start until this afternoon today,” he said.</p><p>“So then when you’re done he can read you a bedtime story,” Matteo told her.</p><p>She ran off.</p><p>“Shout when you’re done?” Matteo called out.</p><p>“Ok,” she yelled back.</p><p>“Ok Jakey?” he checked, pulling him into his lap.</p><p>“Yeah I'm happy,” Jake said.</p><p>“Yeah?” David asked.</p><p>“You’re coming home I'm happy,” Jake said.</p><p>It was simple to him.</p><p>“I’m so happy, I can’t wait to come home,” David said, eyes shining.</p><p>“Can we come get you?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yes,” David said. </p><p>“Yeah we’ll go to the airport, and we can watch the planes,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yay! I like Alex daddy she’s nice, you will like her,” Jake said, changing the topic completely.</p><p>“I do, she seems lovely, I think she likes you,” David said.</p><p>Jake giggled and snuggled against him.</p><p>Matty started to grizzle, he wanted to go to bed. He would be crying in a few minutes if Matteo didn’t get him up and in his room. He was not a patient baby when it came to his sleep.</p><p>“Ok Jake go grab a tablet, Alex has the big one, you’ll have to use Jamilah’s one,” Matteo said.</p><p>Jake rushed off to the kitchen where she’d left it.</p><p>“Matty, don’t you want storytime?” Matteo asked.</p><p>He just started to cry properly, overtired, so Matteo stood up and started to rock him as he walked around the room, slowly sending him to sleep.</p><p>“Got it,” Jake whispered, creeping back into the room.</p><p>“Ok open up the call thingy.” Jake did and held it out, Matteo clicked a few buttons and David appeared on the screen.</p><p>“I’m ready!” Jamilah yelled from upstairs.</p><p>“Just in time,” Matteo joked.</p><p>“How long was she in the shower?” David asked.</p><p>“I’m guessing thirty seconds,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Oh well she didn’t smell at least,” David said.</p><p>Jake giggled and stumbled as he focussed on the tablet instead of where he was walking, Matteo steadied him and guided him up the stairs.</p><p>“Pyjamas then into bed, I'll be in in a few minutes, let daddy read you some stories,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok,” Jake said, “daddy can you read the story of the boy and the sunflowers please?” he asked as he walked into his bedroom.</p><p>Matteo carried Matty into his room and settled him down, changing his nappy and dressing him in soft clean pyjamas. Matty grumbled the entire time, fed up and just wanting to sleep. They’d kept him up too late and he sure was annoyed about it.</p><p>Finally, Matteo laid him in the cot and knelt down beside it just watching him. He stayed there for a good few minutes watching him sleep. Listening out to the twins laughing and giggling in their room. Eventually, he got up with a groan and headed to their room, he wanted to speak to David now. In all the drama he hadn’t really spoken to him since the afternoon. He missed him. Plus he had so much to tell him.</p><p>“Matteo?” Alex called out.</p><p>“Hey Alex ok?” he asked.</p><p>“What did you mean earlier?” she asked him, coming to sit in the doorway.</p><p>This was going to be their thing he realised.</p><p>“I’m going to have to get a couple of stools or something,” he said, sitting down.</p><p>“Your joints that bad?” she teased.</p><p>He just grinned, she was already feeling a little more comfortable, if she could tease him. He would let her tease him all day if it meant she was comfortable.</p><p>“My joints are fine,” he said, “the muscles supporting them could probably use a little work,” he joked, “but earlier when?”</p><p>“You said I could be rude to anyone, you or David or anyone. What do you mean?” she asked.</p><p>“Like if we do something to make you uncomfortable don’t worry about being polite just tell us,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“But… I don’t get it?” she said.</p><p>“How come?” he asked.</p><p>“You’re encouraging me to be rude,” Alex said, frowning.</p><p>“No, not all the time, like I meant about stuff like hugging, just tell us straight we can take it,” Matteo said.</p><p>“But you can’t just say that you know, I can't just be rude I mean I am I know I am but it’s hard,” she said.</p><p>“No, I know what I meant was you don’t want to hug me because I'm adult right? I’m a guy, that’s what you said to Sandra,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah,” she said.</p><p>“I guess what I meant was just… yeah you come across as angry and rude, but if that keeps you safe that’s ok. Don’t feel guilty for it is what I'm saying. Don’t let people guilt you into being polite,” he explained.</p><p>“Oh,” Alex said.</p><p>He thought Alex already knew this from her attitude but he was starting to think that wasn’t the case at all.</p><p>“Alex has anyone ever taken the time to tell you that if someone makes you feel uncomfortable, if you ever get a bad feeling you just tell them to fuck off ok? Don’t worry about being rude,” he said.</p><p>She shook her head.</p><p>“But… what about like teachers or social workers?” she asked.</p><p>“Especially teachers or social workers, ok look don’t like… telling them to just fuck off probably is maybe a bit much but seriously if you ever get in that situation and you need to do it, be rude, get out of there, then come to me or David. We have your back. If it turns out your feeling was wrong, then you apologise later but instincts tend to come from somewhere… this is something I've told all of them and I'll tell Mimmo when he’s older… it’s important for you all to know this,” Matteo told her.</p><p>“Did something happen to you?” she asked.</p><p>“Not really, but kind of. Or there’s a reason I learnt this, I used to work in a cafe while I was in school and I had this boss-”</p><p>“Did he abuse you?” Alex asked, far too quickly.</p><p>And oh did he hate how quickly she’d jumped to that conclusion.</p><p>“She and no, but I don’t know, it wasn’t even a big deal she was just very touchy-feely and sometimes I’m just I'm not in the mood to be touched. No that’s not right. I can't bear it actually, it’s different to you like you said, but it’s still a real feeling for me. It’s like I'm too sensitive to it, like my skin is a hundred times thinner and every touch is like cold burning. I know that makes no sense, it burns then leaves me cold and it hurts for ages after. But yeah she used to like rub my arms and stuff, it was affectionate, nothing sinister but it just made my skin crawl and I didn’t say anything because she was my boss you know?”</p><p>Alex nodded.</p><p>“And look nothing ever happened she really was just an affectionate lady, she never meant harm but it really was hurting me. And I just remember speaking about it with Laura, that’s David’s sister, she’s the best. You ever have a problem she’s the woman you go to. But I remember having a very similar conversation with her. I think I was a bit flinchy and she asked me if I was ok and I just told her everything. She didn’t tell me to be rude, not right off the bat but she told me to talk to her and set some ground rules. That no one was allowed to touch me without my permission and obviously people would but if I didn’t want it I could say no. </p><p>“And I did tell her exactly that and she apologised and it was all fine. But no one had ever told me that before, she told me to trust my instincts. She also told me something that stunned me at the time, and this is what I told Jake and Jamilah and I'll tell you too,” he said.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“She told me that what she’d told me applied to everyone, her, David, my friends, my family. If I didn’t want them touching me I could say no, even to David, we’d been dating two years by that point and the thought never even crossed my mind. Like David reads me so well, and he always asks but just the idea I could... I don’t know it shocked me. This is what I mean by boundaries, they’re important and valid and you don’t have to give them up just because you’ve let someone in or because they’re family,” Matteo said, pausing to make sure she understood.</p><p>She nodded very slowly like he was dismantling her entire world view. And he knew this might hurt but she needed to know.</p><p>“So David has this aunt, Libby and she’s ok but she’s a hugger and Jamilah is slow to warm to some people. But she doesn’t like Libby because there’s tension between her and David. So I had this exact chat with her, sans swearing. Told her that she didn’t have to worry about upsetting Libby, she would get over it, she owes no one hugs. So she does get it, both of them do. And David gets it too, you’ve nothing to worry about there,” he promised.</p><p>“Is Jamilah ok?”</p><p>“She’s a little more chill about hugging but certain people I think they remind her of people from her past. With Libby no matter how hard he tries, David can’t forget how she treated him in the past and she picks up on that. When she first moved in here with us it was because literally every other social worker in the office made her scream when they went near her so it was an emergency situation. I brought her home because there was nowhere we could place her where she would be safe, you know mentally. She panicked around everyone but me, she didn’t trust David at first either and he had to respect that and he did. And it just worked, and she trusted him so much more for giving her the space to get used to him. So what I'm saying to you I guess is… I don’t even know, I do this a lot, I start out with a point and I ramble so much and go off tangent and I always forget my original point. David says it’s a bit because for a long time no one listened to me, so I never got used to voicing my thoughts, plus I think in kind of a scatty way. No, it’s not scatty, I just forget that you can’t see the connections I’m making, my thought process. You’ll get used to it probably,” he said.</p><p>“I think you were trying to tell me I have the choice with who hugs me,” Alex guessed.</p><p>“Yeah that's right, and look I hope you’ll come to trust me and David, we want you here, we want to provide you with somewhere safe and stable that you can call home. But you owe us nothing in return for that, we’ll be your guardians for as long as you need and I want you to feel comfortable with us,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok thank you,” Alex said.</p><p>“And don't worry about being a moody grump,” he teased.</p><p>“I’m not,” she said quietly.</p><p>“Oh I know, that couldn’t be further from the truth but I won’t tell anyone,” Matteo said, “but look I have no problem with you being hostile if that’s what you need. You’ve probably been through a lot and these are ways you've learnt to cope,” he said.</p><p>“Haven’t you read my file?” she asked.</p><p>“No, I'm supposed to but I wanted to ask you first if you were ok with that. I'm not your social worker, I am your guardian now but I don’t feel that gives me the right to know everything about you. Sandra gave me your medical records, I glanced at the front page as that had your vaccinations, allergies, and medication. I know even that must feel like such an invasion and I’m sorry. But I’ve registered you at the pharmacy down the road, you can get your refills there ok? I know it’s for anti-anxiety because I’m on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds so I know most of them well by now. But for other stuff, going forward you can tell me as much or as little as you need. We want to get to know <em>you</em> you know? I don’t think what’s in that file defines you as a person, you are not what’s happened to you, you’re just Alex who’s come to live with us, ok?” Matteo said. He hoped by sharing his own stuff she at least felt a bit more on even ground.</p><p>“Everyone always reads my file and thinks that I'm trouble… then they treat me like I’m trouble,” she said.</p><p>“Why?” Matteo asked her.</p><p>“Because they just can’t place me, because I go from home to home. At first, it was because I acted out but I missed my mum you know? Then when I’d started to calm down, started to come to terms with it everyone already thought I was a bad kid and because of that I only got put in the bad homes and I just…”</p><p>“We don’t see it like that ok?” Matteo promised.</p><p>“Why? How do you see it? Why aren’t you checking, what if I’m a danger to you? Or the kids? I'm in therapy, I'm on medication, why aren't you scared of me?”</p><p>“You’re not a danger to the kids. That would be flagged, you wouldn’t be placed in a home with kids if that was the case. I'm in therapy too, I'm on meds, I don't think I'm very scary," he said and she scoffed at that. "But how I see it? You’re a young woman, very young, just on the edge of real independence. You feel almost ready for it, you want it but you still need that safety net, just like any seventeen-year-old deserves. I know you’ve come to us at the very end of your childhood, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be someone’s child, that you don’t still need a parent. Hell, I still need my mama on a regular basis. </p><p>“When me and David met we were eighteen and neither of us were living with our parents, but we had family, family we’d made ourselves and that was so important, we want to give you that. And just because you are almost eighteen doesn’t mean you have to be an adult yet, you are as mature as you feel. You don’t have to be ready for anything yet. And I just feel if you age out of the system you’re going to be thrown into adulthood too early. I'm sure you’d cope, I'm sure you’re capable and but you don’t have to be, you can just <em>be</em> for now,” he said.</p><p>“You really are going to let me stay? Past eighteen?” she whispered.</p><p>“As long as you need, no as long as you want. If you want to leave, if you get fed up, I can’t stop you but I'd like it if you didn't. I do understand though, you’ve been surviving solo for a long time, it's hard to rely on others. But whenever you leave be it a month or ten years time, you can always come back,” he offered.</p><p>“Like a real home?” she said, “like everyone else has?”</p><p>“Like a real home, Alex have you thought much about your future?” he asked.</p><p>She turned eighteen at Christmas and was sitting her Abi in the spring but he wondered if she’d thought ahead of that. He hadn’t when he was that age, all he could focus on was finishing school.</p><p>“Never really thought I had much of one,” she admitted.</p><p>He knew this feeling so well. But she didn’t have to feel it anymore.</p><p>“Well, now you can you know? And we’ll help, we’ll give you any advice we can but there’s no rush now. Just be a kid for a bit, have fun with it,” he said.</p><p>“I’m in my abi year,” she reminded him.</p><p>“True true ok well work hard but it’s not everything you know?” he said.</p><p>“I don’t know if I want to go to uni, I never thought I could, I was just going to get a job straight away. Anything so I could get away,” she told him.</p><p>“I took a year and some. School almost killed me, school, my mama being sick and the trauma that caused, hiding from my sexuality, ignoring the fact that I was struggling with depression. I was wiped out. Abi was so tough because it just had none of my focus. I passed and I was so happy but I knew I needed to step away from school for a bit, sort my head out, deal with my trauma, I didn't go back until I was ready. </p><p>“But I did, I trained as a social worker because it was all I wanted to do, I’d been forgotten about by every adult in my life. I wanted to stop that happening to other kids,” he said, “I took every available module in child psychology, development, and behaviour. I wanted to understand everything that had happened to me and the effect that had. I wanted to be the best at this, but the one thing I learnt? Just listen and take you all seriously, so I do. I will listen to anything you have to say because no one should feel as helpless as I did.”</p><p>“Thank you so much,” she said, “I think I get it, how you felt back then,” she said.</p><p>“I know you do,” he said, “So I know you’re doing well in school you told me earlier, but what do you like?”</p><p>She shuffled nervously, awkward about sharing her interests.</p><p>“Photography, film, that kind of thing,” she mumbled.</p><p>“Oh no,” Matteo said and her face fell.</p><p>“Oh no?” she repeated quietly.</p><p>“And let me guess, you draw?” he asked.</p><p>“A bit,” she said nervously.</p><p>“God you and David you’re going to be a nightmare, oh and Jake too, he loves to draw, three artists in the house, I can see it now, the number of conversations about lighting me and Jammy are going to be subjected to,” he complained.</p><p>Alex started to laugh, a proper laugh, light and relaxed, genuinely delighted that she would have someone here to encourage her, share her interests.</p><p>“David draws too?” she asked.</p><p>“He does,” Matteo said fondly, “he still draws a lot, any ideas he has for movies he’ll draw it out. It’s how he visualises. He has so many books filled with his art. I love it all,” he said, rolling up the sleeves of his sweater to show her his arms, “these are a few of my favourites,” he said, showing her the tattoos.</p><p>“He did these?” she said, peering closely.</p><p>“Well he designed them,” he told her, “except this one,” he said, turning his arm over to show her the peculiar-looking cat Jake had drawn him once.</p><p>“Wow,” she said.</p><p>“It’s good,” he insisted.</p><p>“Jake? How old was he?”</p><p>“Maybe four, almost five,” he said.</p><p>“You have a lot, just on your arms?”</p><p>“No on my chest too, a couple of random ones here and there, David draws a lot and I love everything he draws so…”</p><p>He’d started with one but it had felt so good having David’s art permanently on his skin. It somehow made him feel more real, like he couldn’t disappear if there was ink on his skin. It was something he could run his fingers over, permanent patterns for him to trace when he was stressed or needed distracting. Plus it looked good, made him look unusual and strange, and somehow still delicate. So he’d kept going until he was pretty covered.</p><p>“Lame, but with the tattoos, you do look…”</p><p>“I look?”</p><p>“You just seem to have such potential to be cool,” she admitted.</p><p>“Me?” Matteo said, making a mental note to tell that to David.</p><p>“Yeah dude, the long hair, the earring, you literally have arms covered in tattoos! And then you cover it up with these big old sweaters and fleeces, you push the hair back, like all tidy and it just makes you look like you’ve given up to become a history teacher or something,” she said.</p><p>“Ok, the teachers are getting a lot of abuse today huh? But I hate to break this to you, I'm thirty-six I'm not trying to be cool, nor have I ever. The tattoos are there because it feels good to have David’s art on my skin. I got my ear pierced in my second year of uni on a dare and I liked the way it looked so I kept it, and my hair is this long to hide that I’m probably going bald soon,” he admitted.</p><p>She laughed even harder.</p><p>“Still… if you ever do ditch the jumpers I wouldn't be horrendously embarrassed if you had to come for a meeting at my school or something,” she said.</p><p>“Are you saying I have to look cool to come to your parent-teacher meetings?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah otherwise send David, he’s cool at least, or his films are, and he’s famous so that would be less embarrassing,” she said.</p><p>“I can assure you David has not been cool for years and he is terrible at parent-teacher meetings, totally obnoxious,” he told her.</p><p>She just laughed again, Matteo was happy to see her smiling.</p><p>“So you like my style huh?”</p><p>“No that’s literally the opposite of what I said, I said you have potential. But I like your tattoos, I like this one,” she said, pointing at his wrist.</p><p>It was a broken cage, iron bars all twisted outwards from rage and energy. Over the top was David’s bird taking flight, the same one from years ago, but with wings intact. He smiled as he ran his fingers over it.</p><p>“It’s really old,” he told her.</p><p>“Oh god you’ve got this look, there’s some horrendously sappy story behind it isn’t there?”</p><p>“It’s something from when we first met and-”</p><p>“Not interested,” she said, pulling a face.</p><p>“I’ll tell you one day,” Matteo offered.</p><p>“Yeah one day,” she muttered.</p><p>“Ok? Feeling a bit… all over the place?” he asked.</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“Then I will leave you in peace, let you get some sleep,” Matteo said, standing up.</p><p>She raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“It’s not even nine,” she said.</p><p>“Ok fine.<em> I'm</em> gonna go sleep sorry that I’m so old and exhausted,” he said.</p><p>She smirked at him.</p><p>“Good night then,” she said.</p><p>“I’ll see you in the morning and after the monsters have gone to school and we’ve gotten groceries we can snoop around David’s office, you can have a go with some of his cameras, he has way too many,” he offered.</p><p>“And he won’t mind?”</p><p>“He won’t mind, he does as I say so…” Matteo joked, “oh you’ve got one more day off before you’re back in school, so you don’t have to get up. Do you want me to shout you for breakfast?” he asked.</p><p>“I’ll be up,” she said.</p><p>“Ok? I get up at six,” he warned.</p><p>“I don’t sleep,” she said.</p><p>“Try,” he said, “you’re safe here,” he said.</p><p>She just rolled her eyes.</p><p>“Good night Alex,” he said, shutting her door quietly and stepping away.</p><p>He crept into the twin’s now quiet bedroom. David was still on the screen watching them sleep. They were curled up together which meant Jake was likely to sleep through the night. Matteo didn’t want to disturb him so he left him there. There was no harm in it.</p><p>“Hey,” he whispered.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>Matteo climbed up and kissed each of them on the forehead, before grabbing the tablet and heading into his own room. He collapsed onto the bed and propped the tablet up on the bedside table. He could have switched the tv on but he was too tired.</p><p>“Hey,” he said again, “Sorry, I was talking to Alex,” he explained.</p><p>“Yeah, Jamilah said, she ok?”</p><p>“Yeah, she’s… she’s been through a lot. She’s really tough but you can just tell she doesn’t want to be. Like there’s nothing wrong with being tough, but it’s tiring her out,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“I get that,” David said.</p><p>Matteo knew he was talking from experience then. How he’d had to feign being cold and aloof, disinterested, just so no one saw him, got close to him. It wasn’t a good way to live. Always running, no roots.</p><p>“I know,” Matteo said.</p><p>“But it will fade, that need to hide it should lessen somewhat, it’ll always be a thing but if she has us, if she surrounds herself with good people, if we make sure she has the support she needs, she can feel safe, free. She can be happy and relaxed, but it will take time,” David said.</p><p>“God yeah you’re absolutely right and man she’s been through it. David the shit she told me I don’t… I... the last place she was at the wouldn’t let her eat her own diet, they made her eat meat threatened to starve her and it made her feel so helpless you know?”</p><p>David nodded he got it better than Matteo the controlling behaviour. Matteo had been left to run wild no one to care for him. He hadn’t, too concerned over keeping his mama safe to run amok. He had drunk and smoked a lot more and taken a lot less care of himself than he would’ve if someone had been watching over him. But for David, it had been the opposite, as if his parents thought by forbidding him from being himself that was enough. By trying to control every aspect of his life he would just conform. So he understood.</p><p>“She said that wasn’t even the worst thing, she flinches and hates to be touched, she’s even nervous of the kids. We can’t touch her ok? But that’s pretty damning,” he told him.</p><p>“Shit,” David muttered, rubbing his face.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said.</p><p>“She can get past this, it’s going to take time but we’ll be there for her, we’ll help her,” David promised.</p><p>“I know, God,” Matteo said, squeezing his eyes shut. </p><p>He felt worn out by today. Nothing he’d found out was unexpected but it still hit him hard. He felt drained, he just wanted to curl up and cry, hide under the blankets for days. He wanted to grab all the kids and run away somewhere safe. But here was safe. This was the safest place for them and he needed to pull it together. Now was not the time to fall apart.</p><p>“Are you ok?” David asked gently.</p><p>“Me?” Matteo asked.</p><p>But David knew, knew him so well. He knew exactly how he was feeling right now. It was probably written all over his face. But he would know if there was no video. He understood.</p><p>“Talk to me,” David said.</p><p>“David I'm stressing, I feel ill, I feel so panicky and shaky, I just want to cry,” he said, rubbing at his eyes.</p><p>“Then cry,” David said.</p><p>“I can’t not yet,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Not yet?” David asked.</p><p>“I think this is just the final straw you know? If I start now I’m not going to stop. I won’t be able to function. David, I’m almost done. I’ve just got to hold it together,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“Ok,” David said worriedly but there was no arguing on this, “I'm home soon,” he said instead.</p><p>“I think… I think when you’re back I might… I think I might be a mess for a while. I…”</p><p>“I know you will, I’m going to come home and you’re going to let me take care of you, ok?”</p><p>That was all he wanted, he felt a few tears escape and trickle down his cheeks. He was too tired to wipe them away so he just closed his eyes and nodded.</p><p>“I’m going to take such good care of you, I’m not going to leave your side. I’m gonna hug you for twenty-four hours. Let me take charge a while and you can rest, you deserve it. And then when you’re feeling better we’ll be back to how we work best. Me and you together again, so soon Matteo,” he promised.</p><p>“Soon,” Matteo mumbled, “oh guess what? Alex likes photography,” he said, eyes still closed, almost drifting off. </p><p>But he thought David should know. It was something they could talk about.</p><p>“Oh? That’s perfect, I have the perfect gift idea for her,” David said.</p><p>That had him opening his eyes. He turned slightly and frowned at the screen, unimpressed. He’d already warned David no extravagant gifts. He knew what he was like, always spoiling all of them.</p><p>“You’re doing gifts?” he said.</p><p>“No,” he said, lying.</p><p>Matteo could tell, just from that smirk he wore when he got his own way.</p><p>“Just for the kids?” he asked.</p><p>“I got something for all of you, except Alex but I can pick it up this evening. I'm shipping them though so they won’t be there when I get back, but a few days later,” David said.</p><p>“Oh I'm so tired,” Matteo said, pressing his hands over his eyes.</p><p>His head was pounding and he felt a bit sick. His stomach ached. It was nerves, anxiety, he didn’t know why he felt like this. The day was over, he’d gotten through it, he should be calm, relieved. He just wanted David home.</p><p>“Go to sleep, I’ll stay on the line,” David said gently.</p><p>“Aren’t you working?” Matteo asked, pulling the blankets up and over himself. </p><p>He wrapped himself up tight, trying to chase away that cold feeling that had been plaguing him these past few months. </p><p>“Yeah but I’m ready to go. I have to head out in twenty minutes, but you’ll be asleep in five,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah I will,” Matteo agreed, giving in to it, letting his heavy head sink into the pillow, “you’re really coming back on Friday?” he asked.</p><p>“I promise Matteo,” he said.</p><p>“God David,” he whispered, he ached for him, needed him home.</p><p>“I know,” David said, “I should land around seven,” he added.</p><p>“How long’s the flight?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Like seventeen hours including connections,” David said.</p><p>“Expensive?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” David said, shrugging.</p><p>It didn’t matter.</p><p>“I don’t care I want you back,” Matteo said.</p><p>“This time on Friday I should be there, I should be exactly there, in our bed, I’ll hold you tight and you’ll finally sleep,” David said, “properly sleep,” he whispered.</p><p>“That’s soon,” he murmured.</p><p>David kept talking but he was getting quieter and quieter, further away as Matteo drifted off to sleep. Only a few more nights of this and then he would be sleeping in his husband’s arms again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next week what more is there to say? David is coming home. Finally. Took a while to get him home, longer than the initial story plan because I kept adding stuff. But he's back and just in time really.</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com">theo (@youmustbestrongernow)</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. but i'm gonna be here until i'm nothing but bones in the ground</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Most people would probably want a break after working away, want to rest and let their husband take care of <em>them</em>. Not David though, even if Matteo wasn't absolutely wiped out by all this, he would still be diving in, taking charge and getting straight back into family life. He was home, he didn't need to rest, didn't need a break. He needed to take care of Matteo, he needed his family and to spend every moment with them for the foreseeable future.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Seventeen hours. He’d been travelling for seventeen hours. Delayed at LAX for two and then an extra hour and forty minute wait at Frankfurt because he’d missed his first connection and had to wait. Thankfully they’d rearranged everything for him, as they should the amount he’d paid. Now he was finally in Berlin. He was almost home. He’d just grabbed his bags from the carousel. He didn’t need to wait any longer, everything else was being shipped and would arrive at the house in a few days.</p><p>All he needed to do was find his family. This time around when he’d landed around sixty texts from Matteo came through when he finally got a signal. It had only been an hour’s flight. When he’d landed at Frankfurt there’d been over five hundred, most of them were from the twins, sending him silly little messages, selfies, pictures of the planes they’d seen and worryingly strangers they’d found amusing.</p><p>They’d all gotten to the airport early, for when he was originally due to land. Even though he’d told them he was delayed and he knew Matteo was tracking the flight. They’d gotten there earlier just hoping somehow he would make it on time. Waiting for three hours with the kids in the early evening, past their bedtime was pretty brave of him.</p><p>But they were good, they could behave when they wanted to. They would be excited but they would behave for Matteo if he asked.</p><p>Suddenly as he walked towards arrivals he felt nervous. What if the kids didn’t want anything to do with him? He’d been away from them so long. Jake was upset with him last week and yeah Matteo had assured him it was ok but what if it wasn't? And Jamilah too, she’d been so quiet on their calls lately. They’d both been through so much and there was David just upping and leaving. How could he be so-</p><p>“Daddy!”</p><p>No, they were fine, they absolutely wanted him back. David dropped his bag and suitcase and crouched down as Jake and Jamilah hurtled towards him, Jamilah yelling and screaming. When they reached him he lifted them both in the air making her scream even more. David clung tightly to them. People around them smiled as they passed, no one cared how loud they were being, least of all him.</p><p>“Daddy you’re back! I missed you so much!” Jamilah squealed as he held her tightly, kissing her cheeks.</p><p>“I missed you too sweetheart, both of you so much. Hey, don’t cry,” he whispered to Jake who was sniffling and clinging tightly to him. His poor boy. He wouldn’t have that, couldn't bear to see him sad.</p><p>“I’m back now forever I promise,” he said softly.</p><p>Jake nodded.</p><p>“Promise? Pinky promise?” Jamilah demanded.</p><p>David nodded and put them both down so he could loop their tiny fingers.</p><p>“Pinky promise,” he said, “where’s papa?” he asked, looking around.</p><p>Jamilah pointed over to where they’d run from. To where his husband stood, clinging to the handles of the pram, white-knuckled and trembling. He could see Matty was asleep, which made sense it was late. Next to Matteo stood Alex, she was talking to him, seemingly both amused and concerned by the way he was just frozen there.</p><p>“Papa needs a hug really badly daddy,” Jamilah said seriously.</p><p>“Let's go give him a hug then,” David said, grabbing his bags in one hand and guiding the kids forward with the other. “I love your new glasses Jakey,” he said, trying to get Jake to speak up, he’d been so excited to get them. They were cool, thick sparkly purple frames making him look so young and cute. A little nerdy. Jake didn’t speak but he did smile widely at David.</p><p>“Why can’t I get glasses?” Jamilah demanded.</p><p>“Because you can see sweetheart,” David said calmly.</p><p>She huffed loudly like that was an unreasonable explanation but didn’t argue further because they’d reached Matteo.</p><p>“Hey Teo,” he said softly.</p><p>He dropped his bags and stood there waiting.</p><p>The twins stood quietly behind him. They weren’t nervous or hesitating though, they knew what was about to happen, knew everything was as it should be.</p><p>Alex nodded a greeting but didn’t say anything. Neither did Matteo, he just quietly fell into his arms and clung to him desperately. Shaking, trembling, on the verge of breaking down. David managed to remain composed, just barely, but he managed it.</p><p>Matteo didn’t, at all. Quietly crying where he was pressed against him, it was too much all of this. Like he’d said on the phone he was absolutely done with all of it. David just held him tight until he could calm down.</p><p>“Ok?” he asked softly when Matteo finally stopped shaking.</p><p>Matteo nodded but still said nothing. That wasn’t unusual, his emotions overwhelming him and leaving him speechless.</p><p>“Hi Alex, nice to meet you properly,” he said, smiling over Matteo’s shoulder.</p><p>“I don’t hug,” Alex warned, sounding exactly the same as she did on the phone.</p><p>He smiled, he was so excited to finally meet her in person he didn’t mind if she didn’t want a hug. He understood why it was important for her to reiterate that and just nodded.</p><p>“You hugged papa earlier,” Jamilah said.</p><p>Jake nodded beside her, David glanced at her and she scowled.</p><p>“That was… an accident,” she said, “and it wasn’t a hug I just put my arm around him because he was being weird.”</p><p>He grinned, Matteo tended to have that effect on people. Even the strongest and most closed-off people couldn’t resist letting him in a little. He exuded this gentle peaceful energy and if he seemed upset then all anyone wanted to do was comfort him. Even Alex apparently. Not that he thought that Alex was closed off in any way but she was certainly strong.</p><p>“No! You hugged him on purpose because he was sad,” Jamilah insisted.</p><p>He could tell these two were going to have a volatile relationship, filled with fights and arguments, but they’d likely defend each other furiously against anyone else. Jamilah was the same with Jakey too, they bickered a lot but if anyone else dared to say anything against him, they became her enemy in an instant. Matteo loved it, the noise, the arguments, he wanted them all to be as close as David and Laura, bickering included. He was clearly never cut out for being an only child.</p><p>“Well David isn’t sad so he doesn’t need a hug,” Alex said dryly.</p><p>“But daddy just got back so he does need a hug,” Jamilah argued.</p><p>Jake nodded again, taking her side because to him she was always right.</p><p>David didn’t need a hug from Alex not if it made her uncomfortable. He already knew she had her boundaries and he would respect them. Jamilah had been warned about this and he knew she understood. She was arguing for the sake of arguing, enjoying the back and forth. Alex seemed to get it too. It was all fun, there was never any pressure there, just a need to have the last word. How quickly that had developed, how comfortable they were together. David was amazed and delighted.</p><p>“Well tough,” Alex said.</p><p>“Well, I just think you're being… being…”</p><p>“Stubborn?” David suggested.</p><p>Matteo groaned against him, not happy he was encouraging them. This had probably been going on for hours. He just wanted to go home and rest.</p><p>“Yeah, stubborn!” Jamilah agreed.</p><p>“Well, I couldn’t give a flying-”</p><p>David raised an eyebrow and Alex cut herself off scowling. Except her scowl was really her just trying really hard not to smile.</p><p>“She was going to swear! Daddy she was going to say fuck!” Jamilah cried out, delighted.</p><p>It took everything David had not to burst out laughing at that, it would only encourage her.</p><p>“You just said the f-word,” Alex accused, equally delighted.</p><p>Jamilah’s eyes went wide and even Jake gasped. David shook his head as Alex grinned in triumph. She watched David carefully though, waiting to see his reaction. He guessed she wanted to see if Jamilah was going to be punished for that. Matteo had already told him that she’d asked for rules, she was used to strict and overbearing. Cruelty and harshness in place of affection and encouragement. Hopefully, in time she would see that was not how they worked, they didn't do strict. The kids were well behaved because they trusted him and Matteo, knew they had their best interests always. Jamilah argued and asserted herself often but in the end, she would always behave. Because she was good, she was nine years old and she was a child learning her way in the world, how could they punish her for that? How could anyone punish Alex for the same?</p><p>“No! No! No, she was going to-”</p><p>“But you did say it Jamilah,” David teased.</p><p>“Daddy no! Papa tell him!” she insisted, stomping her feet.</p><p>At that Matteo stepped back and closed his eyes, pressing his hands over his face. David took one of them and laced their fingers, squeezing tightly.</p><p>“Matteo?” Alex asked, so quietly, voice trembling.</p><p>Despite her reluctance, she’d made an appearance on each of their calls that week, only for a few minutes but she always said hi. Right now she sounded so different, so unsure.</p><p>She looked afraid now, nervous. So did Jake, he was rocking where he stood and he looked about two minutes away from bursting into tears.</p><p>“He’s ok,” David promised them gently, squeezing Matteo’s hand and trying to keep him with them.</p><p>“Papa is just tired and needs a million hugs from daddy before he’ll be ok,” Jamilah explained, it was that simple to her.</p><p>She got this. She’d seen Matteo go through these lows before and knew exactly what to do.</p><p>“We’re not so good at being apart,” David explained to Alex, half expecting a sarcastic comment back but the situation was too tense.</p><p>She just nodded worriedly and that was enough. They were all getting stressed out. He was used to this, knew how to handle it, but the middle of a busy airport was not the place to comfort his exhausted husband. Jamilah wasn’t worried, she knew how stress affected her papa. The other’s not so much, hadn’t seen Matteo as anything other than superdad yet. Which he still was, he just needed a hug and to nap a little while.</p><p>Matty, of course, was completely chill, happily sleeping away in his pram.</p><p>“Let’s just get home ok?” he suggested.</p><p>Alex nodded in relief, home was safe and she just wanted to get back there. David was just happy that she was already starting to think of their place as home, as normal, somewhere safe to return to.</p><p>“Daddy we are in space B seventy-six in the car park,” Jamilah told him proudly.</p><p>“Clever girl, do you want to take the pram?” he asked her.</p><p>“Yes please,” she said, taking the handles but waiting until he told her to go.</p><p>“Jakey?”</p><p>Jake silently raised his arms and let David pick him up. He was tired now, from the tense situation but also because it was way past all their bedtimes.</p><p>David stepped close to Matteo and kissed his cheek. Matteo blinked slowly and took David’s suitcase, allowing David to pull him along, all of them following Jamilah. Who in turn was being guided by Alex, quietly providing her with instructions leading them to the car park. Allowing her to call them out again as if they were her own.</p><p>David smiled fondly at all of them, his family. Suddenly he remembered something.</p><p>“Did we get a new car?” he asked.</p><p>“No,” Jamilah said, turning to face him and spinning the pram with her.</p><p>She still hadn’t got the hang of turning without turning the pram. She looked at him like he was a complete idiot. He had the rudest daughter but he loved her very much.</p><p>“Forward Jamilah,” David said.</p><p>“Fuck,” Matteo muttered, stopping dead.</p><p>“I can catch the bus,” Alex offered, catching on to their dilemma quickly.</p><p>That wasn’t happening, yeah it was only just after nine-thirty but he didn’t like the idea of her getting the bus by herself. He was sure she could handle it but he was responsible for her and her safety. Plus she was only volunteering because she felt like this was her fault, that she was an outsider and an inconvenience. And he wasn’t having that.</p><p>“No you can’t,” David said.</p><p>“Fuck,” Matteo said again, pulling his hands free and covering his face as he groaned in frustration.</p><p>Jake started to cry because he could tell things were getting too much, it was too tense and it was stressing him out. Like clockwork, Matty woke up and started to scream. And now it really was a disaster. Matteo was just shaking his head. He was clearly done with all of this. He couldn’t help, this was all down to David now.</p><p>They got a few sympathetic glances from people around them but people mostly left them alone. Airports were strange places. Everybody tired and trying to get somewhere, not interested in anything else but their journey. David was fine with that, didn’t need judgement from others. He could get this under control he just needed a minute.</p><p>His husband was just completely overwhelmed. He’d been waiting for this day since he’d brought him to the airport, three and a half months ago. He’d been counting down the days, living for this moment and only this. Three and a half long hard months and one broken promise from him. Matteo didn’t like change. To him, their life before David left for LA was absolutely perfect. Well almost perfect, some change was good. Alex coming into their life was a good change and Matteo could get on board with that. But it was still very hard for him. It caused him worry and stress on top of dealing with David being away.</p><p>David leaving had been a huge change, thrown his life into disarray.</p><p>He’d missed David so much it hurt. But then on top of that, he had the kids missing him too and reminding him of it every day. So he coped by stretching himself thin, keeping himself busy every single minute of the day. Threw himself into helping at the school, the after school clubs, church with his mama. Just to exhaust himself enough that he didn’t have to think about his pain for a while. Then David didn’t come back when he was supposed to. Matteo hated change but he could adjust, especially if that change was temporary. But if that changed further, the way his stay had been extended, that was almost impossible for him.</p><p>He’d just stopped, given up on trying to keep busy, started sleeping during the day. Just wishing away the time until he was back. He didn’t slip up, he gave his all to looking after the kids, keeping them safe and happy but that was all he had. There was nothing left.</p><p>David had seen all of this from a distance, completely helpless to do anything against it.</p><p>So, of course, he’d gotten to the airport early. He couldn’t wait any longer. This morning when he woke up David coming home would have been the only thing on his mind. Everything else would’ve been on autopilot. That’s what Alex meant when she said he’d been weird, when she’d given in and put her arm around him just to offer a little comfort. David knew what that looked like. The edge. The vacant stare, the way he would just stop as he lost track of what he was doing, the way he trembled as he tried so hard to focus and pull himself together.</p><p>Of course, he’d forgotten their car was only a five-seater. Of course, he hadn’t thought about how they were going to get home. Meeting David in the airport was as far his plan went because at that point it was time for David to take over. Take care of everything for a while. Just until Matteo was on the up again.</p><p>David knew all he wanted to do was break down. To be honest David could do with a good cry too. But he couldn’t, not in the crowded airport, not without freaking out the kids and setting them all off. They were crying now but if he started there would be real screams and hysterics. He also couldn’t do much more than hold it together. So David needed to get them all home.</p><p>“How are we going to get home?” Jamilah asked, “because I can go in the boot,” she suggested, hopefully.</p><p>She was far too keen on that idea.</p><p>“That’s illegal and dangerous you dumbass,” Alex muttered.</p><p>“Hey, maybe you should go in the boot! But your fat head won’t fit,” she said, shoving at Alex.</p><p>Jamilah screamed as Alex picked her up and flipped her upside down. She banged her fists against Alex’s legs but she just grinned.</p><p>“Daddy!”</p><p>“Well you were quite rude,” David said.</p><p>“Daddy!” she screeched in outrage.</p><p>Alex just laughed and flipped her round again but didn’t put her down, Jamilah shrugged and snuggled against her, content to be held.</p><p>“So how are we getting home?” Alex asked.</p><p>“I’ll catch the bus,” Matteo mumbled wearily.</p><p>“No papa!” Jake screamed, the loudest he’d been since they’d gotten there.</p><p>He was really distressed. David squeezed him tight as he clung to his shirt.</p><p>“No! No! No!” Matty echoed, straining to escape his pram.</p><p>“No one is catching a bus, also sorry babe I'm way too tired to drive,” David said.</p><p>Matteo wasn’t even paying him any attention, trying to figure out how to get them all home. David could see him trying to work it out. But he was too tired.</p><p>“We could all catch the bus though?” Jamilah suggested.</p><p>David was too tired for that. He was weirdly wide awake from the timezone change and exhausted from the flight. Plus he loved the kids, knew they would behave as best they could but he really couldn’t face getting them all on the bus with luggage and the pram. He’d already spent a fortune on a plane ticket, what was a little more? A taxi would only be about ten euros more than the bus fare and they could travel in comfort.</p><p>“We’re gonna get a taxi,” David said, pulling out his phone and checking the availability.</p><p>“What about the car?” Alex reminded him.</p><p>“Yep good point. Matteo where’s the car?” David asked, “Teo?” he said gently.</p><p>“Car park,” Jamilah said when Matteo didn't answer, “B seventy-six, duh,” she reminded him.</p><p>She was such a good girl and yet such an absolute know it all but David loved it. He probably shouldn’t encourage that attitude but he loved it too much to reign it in. She was only rude with them anyway, with strangers and her teachers she was perfectly polite. She was mimicking them, the way he and Matteo were around each other, teasing was their affection and she’d picked up on that very early on.</p><p>“Can I have your phone Matteo?” David asked.</p><p>Matteo ignored him and pulled the still grizzling Matty out of the pram, and started walking up and down. Trying to soothe him, send him back to sleep.</p><p>David sighed, followed Matteo and took his phone out of his pocket. He found the car parking app and extended the stay for a couple of days, he’d come pick it up when things had calmed down. They didn’t need it yet. He would get it at some point in the week when he was awake enough to drive.</p><p>“David,” Alex said quietly.</p><p>She was getting really worried, Matteo had been taking care of her and she’d already started to rely on that. He understood why she was worried now.</p><p>“It’s ok I promise,” David said gently.</p><p>She glanced over at Matteo and then back to him and nodded.</p><p>“Ok?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah, he’s… I've not seen him like this,” she said.</p><p>“It happens sometimes but I promise it will pass, are you scared?” he checked.</p><p>He knew this must be a little unsettling for her. She was at that awkward stage of life where she was close to being independent, wanted to go it alone, but still needed guidance from those older than her. She’d already found that in Matteo and of course seeing him like this was scary. Hopefully, she could trust him too. She seemed comfortable enough following his lead on this at least.</p><p>“No… a little,” she admitted.</p><p>“I’m here now, we’ll be ok,” he said, “me and Matteo, we work better together. You’ve come into our lives at a point when both of us were barely holding things together. Especially Matteo. It’s been a lot of change these past few months. But I'm back now and I promise everything will be ok,” he told her.</p><p>“I’m sorry if me coming has made things harder,” she said quietly.</p><p>He shook his head, that wasn’t the case at all. It had changed things sure and they’d had to make some pretty quick adjustments but it was all good.</p><p>“I promise it hasn’t, we want you here Alex. Matteo didn’t even hesitate when Sandra called, if he couldn’t handle it, he would’ve called me first to check. It’s just everything else happening that’s tiring him out, not you. But the next few days we’re going to take things a little slower. I’m here now and everything is going to be fine,” he said.</p><p>She nodded and squeezed Jamilah tight.</p><p>Just like Matteo had said she was not nearly as tough as she pretended to be. Which was a good thing, she was seventeen, she deserved a soft kind life and they would do everything they could to give her that.</p><p>The phone dinged in his hand and David read the message.</p><p>“Right everyone we have a six-seater taxi in five minutes,” he said, trying to rally them round, “come on Matteo let’s get home,” he said, trying to get Matteo back over to them, “ok Jakey?”</p><p>Jake nodded, rubbing his forehead on David’s shoulder, still quiet and sleepy. The tears had stopped and he was calm. David took his little glasses off so he could gently wipe the tears from his cheeks. He pocketed them and settled Jake against his shoulder, he was close to sleep now so he just rocked him gently.</p><p>“Jamilah?”</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“She’s tired,” Alex said, shifting her on her hip, they were so comfortable together.</p><p>Jamilah nodded sleepily.</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” Matteo whispered, coming back over to them with a now sleeping Matty.</p><p>“Don’t do that,” David said gently.</p><p>“I fucked up, I forgot there were six of us now. I fucked up and now we need a new car and... oh god I've let everything go wrong David, the house is a mess I tried to tidy up this morning but I just couldn’t focus,” he said, looking absolutely devastated and that wouldn’t do.</p><p>“None of that, you’re stressing ok? Don’t worry about the house. Don’t worry about the car. I forgot literally until five minutes ago, all I wanted was all of you back ok. You couldn’t have got a new one that quick anyway. Look I don’t care about anything else, we’ll sort out the car later there's no rush ok Teo?” he insisted.</p><p>Matteo just stumbled closer and David pulled him closer still, holding Jake tightly in one arm and pressing Matteo against him with the other. Matteo just sank into him and David somehow managed to support his weight and keep hold of Jake too. He glanced over at Alex who was trying to hold back Jamilah. She was straining against her to get to them.</p><p>After a minute Alex rolled her eyes and moved closer so Jamilah could reach them and join in. All six of them ended up hugging weirdly.</p><p>People in the airport paid them no mind, they were out of the way anyway. Just a family hugging and trying not to breakdown off to the side of the concourse. But they did have to get home. His phone buzzed in his pocket.</p><p>“Come on love taxi's here. Alex can you take my case?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah I got it,” she said, putting Jamilah down.</p><p>“Thanks, Jamilah sweetheart?”</p><p>“I’ll push the pram,” she said, taking hold of the handle.</p><p>“Good girl. Stick close to Alex though it’s still busy,” David said.</p><p>Alex held the suitcase handle with one hand and placed her free hand on Jamilah’s back while she focused on the still empty pram.</p><p>David shouldered his duffle bag and reached out his hand for Matteo to tug him closer. Laden down with Jake on his other side they slowly made their way out to the taxi. David spotted their ride and led them over to the big car.</p><p>“Taxi for Schreibner-Florenzi?” the driver said.</p><p>“That’s us,” David said.</p><p>The driver took one look at the state of them all and smiled.</p><p>“Big airport reunion?” he asked, taking David’s bag and the case from Alex.</p><p>David put Jake down next to Matteo and took the pram from Jamilah.</p><p>“Yeah I’ve been away,” he said.</p><p>“Long time?”</p><p>“Nearly four months,” David told him.</p><p>“Damn, ok so the kids have to go in the middle, hold on I've got a baby seat for that one, boosters for the bigger ones,” he said, pointing at Matty.</p><p>Matteo helped the driver get Matty into the seat, then got Jake into the middle and Jamilah beside him, buckling them all in.</p><p>“Ok who’s going where?” the driver asked.</p><p>“I’ll sit up front,” Alex said quietly.</p><p>Matteo shook his head but he didn’t need to, David already got it.</p><p>“I’ll sit up front, you two can go at the back,” David said.</p><p>Matteo nodded and guided Alex to the backseat with a hand hovering behind her back, not touching but still guiding her. David smiled after them and got in the front turning to look at the kids. Jake and Matty were fast asleep already, Jake leaning against Jamilah who was close to sleep herself. Behind them, Alex and Matteo were talking quietly.</p><p>David turned back to face the front and closed his eyes. He was bone tired and grateful that the driver did not want to make small talk. He’d missed Berlin so much. LA was too loud and bright for him, too much talk about nothing. He stared out of the window for a while, just watching the city lights in the distance.</p><p>He wasn’t tired, not really exhausted but his eyes were hurting, aching from been awake so long. He closed them, just for a moment, just to rest them but before he knew it he was being gently shaken awake by Matteo.</p><p>“Home?”</p><p>“Yeah we’re here,” Matteo said quietly, stepping back so he could get out of the car.</p><p>He did and scooped up Matty, Jake was already asleep in Matteo’s arms and Jamilah was clinging to Matteo’s hand, clearly ready for bed. Alex was hovering close behind him. David shifted Matty and they all headed to the house. Following the driver who carried his bags and the pram to the door.</p><p>“Thanks,” David said.</p><p>“Good night guys,” the driver said, before heading back to the car.</p><p>Matteo opened the door and they all bundled in.</p><p>“Bedtime?” David said immediately before they all started waking up.</p><p>“Bedtime,” Jake agreed sleepily.</p><p>“Daddy no!” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Yes sweetie, it's late and you’re almost asleep,” David said, guiding her to the stairs.</p><p>“Am not,” she muttered but she still went up anyway, “Jakey sleeps in my room now we have bunk beds,” she told him.</p><p>“I know darling,” he said</p><p>“No bath time?” she asked, getting into her pyjamas.</p><p>David watched Matteo helping a half-asleep Jake into his pyjamas and then settle him in the bottom bunk.</p><p>“Not tonight,” David said.</p><p>Wordlessly Matteo took Matty from him, he was running completely on autopilot.</p><p>“I don't want to go to bed,” Jamilah whined but she climbed up anyway. She was clearly tired and fighting it with everything she had.</p><p>“Why not sweetheart?”</p><p>“What if you’re gone when I wake up?” she asked, obviously worried.</p><p>Matteo stopped dead in his tracks at that, halfway out of the room he turned to face them again.</p><p>David shook his head to reassure him then turned to Jamilah.</p><p>“Jamilah I promise I'm not going anywhere,” he said.</p><p>Matteo just looked at the ceiling for a second.</p><p>“Night Jakey, night Jammy,” he said.</p><p>“Night papa,” she said.</p><p>Then he was gone.</p><p>“Papa’s not ok,” Jamillah told him.</p><p>“I know, sweetheart, I know,” David said.</p><p>“Are you going to make him better?” she asked.</p><p>“No but I'm going to help him get back on track,” he assured her.</p><p>“He really missed you,” she said.</p><p>“I know, Jammy I missed him too. I missed all of you,” David said, stroking her hair out of her face.</p><p>“I know it’s just…”</p><p>David stepped up higher on the ladder so he could lean into the bed.</p><p>“I missed you too, Jakey missed you and Matty missed you, Alex doesn't know you yet because she’s new but we all missed you,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“But?”</p><p>“Papa… he missed you the most,” she said.</p><p>“Yeah, did you know papa and I have been together for almost twenty years now?”</p><p>“Yes,” she said, nodding.</p><p>“And in all that time I don't think we’ve ever been apart not like that. It’s really hard for both of us, it messes everything up. For me, I stopped sleeping properly, I kind of felt like I couldn’t be bothered with stuff. I know for papa he had to keep busy to distract himself, that’s not usually how he copes though, when he’s stressed. We’re not good at missing each other. It was really hard for me, harder than I was ever expecting but papa… I don’t even know how to explain it,” he said.</p><p>She nodded though, she didn’t really understand but she got that he’d missed Matteo too.</p><p>“I knew he would struggle and I really didn’t want to go,” David said.</p><p>“But he made you?”</p><p>“Not made me but he encouraged me. He still worries he’s holding me back and- this is way too heavy a conversation for you young lady,” he realised.</p><p>Sometimes she was so serious he forgot himself, she didn’t need to know this stuff.</p><p>“Ok just… it’s like…”</p><p>These were grown-up problems she just didn’t quite have the words for yet. David just waited. He didn’t want to burden her but she still wanted to talk about it, understand what was happening. He wasn’t going to shut her down.</p><p>She pursed her lips.</p><p>“Papa was very busy while you were in America,” she said.</p><p>“I know,” David said.</p><p>“But then sometimes he would just stop, when we were supposed to be playing and not looking he would just stop and stand there,” she said.</p><p>“Quiet?” David asked.</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“And shaky, I think he was trying not to cry. He’s so sad and so tired daddy,” she said.</p><p>And David got it. She’d been saying it for weeks but there’d been nothing he could do from a distance.</p><p>“Papa likes the quiet sometimes,” he assured her, “he was keeping busy because he missed me but it’s tired him out,” he said.</p><p>His husband was wiped out. He had all the energy in the world for the kids, but pretending he was ok when he wasn’t just to give them the illusion that nothing was wrong, that was too close to lying and it took everything he had.</p><p>“It’s ok Jammy I get it,” he promised, “I’m going to take care of him.”</p><p>Jamilah finally relaxed. She was perceptive he’d give her that. But she’d been through this with them before, seen the toll it took on Matteo fighting with the courts to keep her. There were the problems at her first school, the stress of moving house, when Matty was born and the anxiety that having a new baby brought. She knew what these things did to her papa and she didn’t fully understand it but she knew when it was happening. She’d seen him depressed, just not without David there to take care of him.</p><p>David kissed her head and tucked her into the blankets.</p><p>“Goodnight love,” he said.</p><p>“Goodnight daddy, thank you for coming home,” she whispered sleepily.</p><p>“See you in the morning,” he said, climbing down.</p><p>He made sure Jake was tucked in even though all he wanted to do was pull him out of the bed and squeeze him tight. He checked the nightlight was on before creeping out and closing the door softly behind him.</p><p>Matteo had already put Matty to bed but David snuck into the nursery and crouched down by the cot. His little baby, sleeping soundly. He reached out and ran a finger over his soft pudgy cheeks, through his wispy blond hair. Just knelt there for several minutes just watching his son sleep.</p><p>Eventually, though he headed downstairs to find Matteo.</p><p>He was in the kitchen with Alex. Both of them at the counter.</p><p>“Hey,” he said to Alex, “doing ok?” he asked.</p><p>Alex looked at Matteo who was sitting with his head pressed firmly against the counter and shook her head. She clearly didn’t want to leave him alone but didn’t know what else to do.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“It’s just… you’re a grown-up,” she said nervously.</p><p>“Grown-ups can’t be strong all the time, and this grown-up’s been strong for all of us for three and a half months now,” David said, moving opposite Matteo, leaning over and putting his own head down on the counter</p><p>“Matteo I'm here,” he whispered.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Matteo it’s me, I'm here, we don't say sorry ok?”</p><p>“I… David, I'm done,” he said, closing his eyes.</p><p>David watched a tear track down his face and onto the counter. He sighed.</p><p>“I know,” he said.</p><p>“I’m absolutely done,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“It’s ok I'm here now,” David said.</p><p>Matteo just shifted so that his cheek was pressed against the cool marble. He sniffled but didn’t say anything else.</p><p>David turned to Alex.</p><p>“Nothing is wrong,” he promised, “Matteo is just overloaded right now. It’s all gotten a bit too much. He’s been trying to keep it together, hide it from all of you for too long. Looking after all of you without letting you know he was struggling was a bad move, I know they’re kids babe but they love you and want you safe. He hates the idea of any of you knowing he’s not ok. That’s a hang-up from looking after his mum as a kid but I’ll let him tell you about all that. Waiting at the airport all day and forgetting about the car was the final straw,” he explained.</p><p>“Will he be ok?” she asked.</p><p>“He's fine, he’s fine right now,” David clarified, this was just how it went sometimes, sometimes it was easy sometimes it was hard but Matteo was always ok he made sure of it. “Sometimes this is just how Matteo is, like right now I must seem pretty chill right, unfazed by all of this?”</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“Well a seventeen-hour flight and jet lag will do that but no I am... chill,” he said.</p><p>“Lies,” Matteo muttered, not lifting his head from the counter.</p><p>He was chill most of the time. Ok, he got a bit competitive sometimes. But he was proud of his kids and he liked to show it. Just because his way of doing so was a little louder and more argumentative than his husband’s didn’t mean it was the wrong way. He was chill.</p><p>“Ok but Matteo’s default these days is superdad, right now being a dad and a husband is what he wants to be and he’s fucking good at it. Whereas I’m more the cool dad,” David said.</p><p>Matteo just snorted, so he was obviously fine.</p><p>“To be clear I am cooler than Matteo will ever be. You will come to realise that Alex don’t worry,” he said, laughing and running his fingers through Matteo’s hair. “But no being a husband and a dad comes first to me too, and I feel these past few months I lost sight of that a bit. But I’m back now. But we can’t be super all the time, we are adults, yes, but we still have problems. We still go through difficult times and I’m certain the reason we're always ok is because we do it together. But I'm back now and this will pass. This isn't the first time this has happened and it won’t be the last but I'll always be here. And Matteo will always be here for me whenever I'm dealing with stress from work, or critics, or my parents, or anything, and we’re here for you too,” David said.</p><p>“I’m sorry for scaring you,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“I’m scared for you, I don't want you to be sad,” Alex said.</p><p>David smiled at that, she cared for him already, how could she not? He knew just how Matteo would be in reassuring her that she was loved, there was no way she’d be able to fight that.</p><p>“I’m not sad I'm happy,” Matteo said, finally raising his head slightly to look at her.</p><p>“You are?”</p><p>“I’m so happy right now, you can’t even imagine it,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It’s overwhelming,” David clarified.</p><p>“Have you ever…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Matteo closed his eyes and put his head back on the counter as he tried to figure out what he wanted to say.</p><p>“As a kid did you ever get so happy it hurt? Like even though you were bursting with happiness all you could do was cry because you had no other possible other response. Your brain just couldn’t process what you were feeling quickly enough,” Matteo said.</p><p>He’d explained this to David many times now, how his emotions on the outside didn’t always reflect how he was truly feeling. How they were so intense there was often no way to get them across so he would end up crying either in frustration or happiness. Sometimes it would be yelling and anger but that was rare these days. That usually only happened if someone was upsetting him or the kids. And if David was the one that was upsetting himself he was the one who got yelled at. That had happened a few times with Matteo trying to convince him not to listen to his insecurities. It had always felt wonderful, Matteo fighting him like that.</p><p>“I think so... not really. Maybe when my mum was still alive yeah,” she said, remembering.</p><p>There was a soft smile on her face as she thought of her mother. It made her look so young and carefree that David’s heart ached. He wondered how often she got to talk about her, they would have to encourage that. Let her know that it was ok to remember her, that it could hurt but be a good thing.</p><p>“For me, it’s like that times a million,” Matteo said, “it’s partly my own fault for bottling it all up so long but yeah that’s how I’m feeling right now, it’s like I’m so happy that David’s back but there’s still all that pain I’ve been carrying,” he said.</p><p>“Ok so you’re just all emotional and can’t deal?” she asked, sarcasm back now she was convinced he was ok.</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Wow so it’s actually pretty lame then,” she said.</p><p>David grinned at her bluntness.</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>“You missed your husband so much you've gone into emotional overload now he’s back,” she simplified.</p><p>“Pretty much,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“Right get over it then I guess,” she suggested.</p><p>Matteo smiled at her unoffended.</p><p>“I’ll try my best,” he said.</p><p>“I’ll leave you to it then,” she said, getting up from the counter, so relaxed now.</p><p>“Ok, good night then Alex, I’ll see you in the morning,” David said.</p><p>“I’m not going to bed,” she said.</p><p>“I never said you had to,” David said, frowning slightly.</p><p>“I’m gonna go read,” she clarified.</p><p>“Ok have fun,” David said.</p><p>“Try to get some sleep Alex,” Matteo said.</p><p>She huffed and walked out of the room.</p><p>“She doesn't like sleeping, stays up way too late but tell her to got to sleep anyway, she likes that,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>His husband picked up so well on these little things. She’d told them she was staying up reading just for him to tell her to go to bed because that would feel a lot like being cared for. He made a note to watch out for these things now that he was home.</p><p>David moved around and sat on the stool next to Matteo, running his hand through his hair, brushing it out of his face. He wiped away the tears with his thumb and pressed closer, draping himself over Matteo’s back. God he’d missed this, missed having Matteo close like this. Holding him tight, letting his warmth seep into him and chase away the cold that had been building these past few months.</p><p>“Ok?” he whispered, lips against Matteo’s ear.</p><p>“No,” Matteo said, voice breaking with the emotion he was trying to hold back.</p><p>“I know,” David said gently, resting his weight on him, pressing him against the counter until he sighed in relief.</p><p>“Don’t do that to me again,” Matteo begged.</p><p>“I promise I won’t,” David said, “it’s been a while since it’s been this bad huh?”</p><p>“Since we brought Mimmo home,” Matteo reminded him.</p><p>David nodded, rubbing his forehead against Matteo’s neck. He remembered just how bad that had been, way worse than this. Probably the first time he’d felt so helpless, like there was nothing he could do. But Matteo was strong, he pulled through because he was the strongest person David knew.</p><p>“That was a lot worse than this,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah because then I was so scared, I’m not scared right now and the happiness that you’re back is winning. I still need to deal with everything from these past few months but right now I’m so fucking happy I think I might die,” he said.</p><p>“You’re just happy?” David asked gently.</p><p>He wrapped his arms around Matteo’s stomach pulling them both upright, slowly Matteo turned in his arms to face him, eyes falling closed as soon as they were face to face. He nodded.</p><p>“Let yourself feel it,” David whispered.</p><p>“It hurts,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I know,” David said.</p><p>“God it hurts,” Matteo whispered as the tears started to fall and he shook with it. Finally giving in to the whirlwind of emotions running through him. David just held him tight, failing to hold back his own tears.</p><p>“I’m here,” he whispered, “I'm here.”</p><p>“Don’t fucking leave me again,” Matteo muttered, relaxing into him completely.</p><p>David rocked him and they swayed together for a while, just standing there in the middle of their kitchen crying their eyes out.</p><p>“I won’t Matteo, I'm not going anywhere,” David promised.</p><p>Eventually, Matteo leant more and more weight on him until David was propping him up completely.</p><p>“Tired?” he asked.</p><p>“David I'm fucking exhausted,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I’m here now, you can rest ok?” he promised.</p><p>Matteo just nodded and David took his cue to lead him upstairs to bed, turning off the lights as they went.</p><p>The moment he stepped into their bedroom everything else faded away. Matteo had tidied it, the laundry was put away and the bed was made. He stood there taking it all in. This was their space. This was why he couldn’t sleep anywhere else anymore. He didn’t think he was tired enough to sleep but as soon as he saw their bed, as soon as he knew he was going to be curling up with Matteo his body started to feel heavy and he just wanted to sink into it. Matteo stood there waiting for him.</p><p>“I need a shower, I’m all gross,” David said, stripping off his t-shirt and jeans. He wanted to go to bed but he’d been on a plane for almost a day, he needed to get clean first. He tossed his clothes into the corner of the room.</p><p>He did the same with his underwear just to annoy Matteo. He huffed and picked everything up, throwing it in the laundry basket and shoving David into their bathroom, faking his grumpiness.</p><p>“Joining me?” David teased, turning the water on hot.</p><p>Matteo always complained about how hot he had the shower but David knew he wouldn’t be joining him so turned it up as hot as he liked it. Matteo just closed the toilet seat and sat down tipping his head back. Unable to talk but not wanting to be any distance away from him. David felt the same.</p><p>“You can go to bed, I’ll only be a minute,” David offered, knowing Matteo wasn’t going anywhere without him.</p><p>He stepped under the scalding spray and groaned as the heat stripped away the ache of his muscles.</p><p>He washed quickly then stood under the water for a long few minutes just relaxing, letting the stresses of the day wash away. If he happened to shed a few more tears of relief no one would know.</p><p>When he finally stepped out Matteo had undressed, just wearing a baggy t-shirt and a pair of old pyjama bottoms. His old man ones that David liked to tease him about. He was waiting there with a towel. He took it and wrapped it around his waist, then stepped up to Matteo and wrapped his arms around him, dripping all over him.</p><p>“Fuck sakes David you’re all wet, gross,” he muttered but didn’t pull away.</p><p>“I’m clean,” David murmured.</p><p>Matteo grabbed another towel from the side and dried his hair while David refused to move. Just sighing from his touch. It was so familiar, so comforting. So many times his husband had taken care of him like this. When he was done David followed Matteo back into the bedroom, grabbing an old pair of sleep shorts from the drawer. Laughing as Matteo picked up his discarded towel. He had been about to do it but he loved Matteo’s fussing so much.</p><p>He turned to the bed and pulled back the blankets, laying down and holding his arms out. Matteo stood and stared at him for a moment as if he was trying to convince himself this was real. Then he switched off the main lights, put on the lamp and crawled into his arms.</p><p>Good god had he missed this, Matteo’s weight on him was the best feeling in the world. He wasn’t even sure how he’d got a minute of sleep without Matteo in his arms.</p><p>“I missed you so much,” Matteo said quietly as David pulled the blankets over them and switched off the lamp.</p><p>“I missed you too, love,” David said.</p><p>They were both too tired to say anything else. David just held his husband tight and let him fall asleep safe in his arms. It took just minutes exhausted as they both were. David lasted only a few moments longer before drifting off with the familiar weight of Matteo covering him.</p><p>His slumber didn’t last long though. After what felt like only seconds but according to the clock was well over an hour, the door creaked open. Jake crept into the room and wordlessly pushed his way between them. Matteo didn’t even stir so David shuffled to make room for him.</p><p>“Nightmare?” David whispered, wrapping an arm around him.</p><p>Jake shook his head.</p><p>“Need a hug,” he mumbled and cuddled closer.</p><p>David pressed a kiss to his forehead and switched on the lamp, just waiting.</p><p>There was a lot of clattering and various doors opening and then Jamilah was at the door, a sleeping Matty in her arms. She assessed the scene, deciding who was going where and then walked round to Matteo’s side of the bed. David watched as she prodded him awake.</p><p>“Wha?”</p><p>Jamilah handed him Matty and walked back out of the room.</p><p>“The hell?” Matteo muttered, settling Matty down and going back to sleep without further comment. David watched in amusement as Jamilah appeared at the door with a very disgruntled Alex.</p><p>“Yeah no way I’m having any part of whatever this is,” she said.</p><p>“I know,” David said.</p><p>“Just so we're clear it would be really damn weird,” she said.</p><p>“Crystal clear,” David said.</p><p>“I didn’t want to leave you out,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“I’m seventeen, this is something I want to be left out of,” she said.</p><p>“I know, Alex I get it,” David said, “Jamilah sweetheart let Alex go back to bed ok?”</p><p>Jamilah didn't argue just gave her a quick hug and then clambered onto the bed. She frowned at Jake cuddled up to him and Matty in Matteo’s arms.</p><p>“C’mere,” David said, reaching out his free arm and wincing as she climbed over him to get to his other side. She snuggled against him.</p><p>David looked up at Alex who was hovering in the doorway.</p><p>“Ok?” David asked.</p><p>“I can’t sleep in here,” she whispered.</p><p>“I know, I wouldn’t expect you to. It would be inappropriate. But she doesn’t get that. They’re both pretty clingy but this isn’t that regular an occurrence anymore, when they were really small it was every night. She’ll grow out of it soon, and so will Jakey eventually. I’m dreading that. But we’ll just let them do it at their own pace,” he told her.</p><p>“I used to share a bed with my mum, we only had a small flat, it was just the two of us,” Alex said.</p><p>“I’m sorry that stopped before you were ready,” David said gently.</p><p>He shuffled without disturbing the twins and sat himself up. Alex crept in and sat down in the chair by the bed.</p><p>“I… even if bad things hadn’t happened to me I still wouldn’t share because that was our thing,” she explained.</p><p>“Of course. I wish you could’ve come to us straight away Alex but we would not have been ready for you. Hell, we were just gone thirty when madam came to us and it was a steep learning curve. I don’t think you would’ve been ready for us either, you didn’t want anyone right? And that doesn't mean you deserved what happened to you. You deserved space for your grief. But now you are ready to give it a go, even after all you’ve been through. That’s going to be different for you than it is for her. You’re a young adult and we’ll treat you as such. You need your space but it doesn’t make you cold, doesn't mean you don’t care,” David said.</p><p>She sighed and settled back in the chair.</p><p>“You still miss her?” he asked.</p><p>“Every fucking day. It wasn't fair,” she said.</p><p>“Do you have photos of her?” David asked.</p><p>“Yeah on my phone,” she said.</p><p>“We can print some if you like, for your room,” David offered.</p><p>“I’d like that very much,” Alex said.</p><p>“Alex, you are part of this family now ok? Even if you get fed up and leave next week we’d welcome you back in a heartbeat. But that doesn’t mean we should forget about your mum. You ever want to talk about her, tell us about her. Anything you want to do to remember her, you can,” he said.</p><p>She sniffled and wiped her eyes.</p><p>“I never... no one ever asks me if I want to talk about her, they think I don’t want to but I do,” she insisted, eyes shining with emotion.</p><p>“I know and you can,” David assured her.</p><p>“Maybe not yet, I’m not ready, I miss her so much,” she said.</p><p>“No, not yet but whenever you want just let me know. She sounds like a wonderful woman and I’d like to know about her. I want you to be comfortable here but I know that doesn’t come automatically, it’s going to take time and we go at your pace with this and-”</p><p>“Shh!” Jamilah whispered, putting her hand over his mouth.</p><p>He bit at her fingers and she giggled sleepily.</p><p>“I don’t… I feel safe here I do, but not that safe… yet,” she said.</p><p>“It’ll come, it might take months, it might take years, but I hope one day you come to think of this as home and us as your family. And that is forever once it happens, you’ll realise then you can’t escape. You’ll try to move out and Matteo will start crying and before you know it you’ll be in your forties and still here,” he said.</p><p>She smiled at that. “Thank you,” she whispered</p><p>“We’ll talk more tomorrow ok? This isn’t a one-off conversation. Keep talking to us, your fears your worries but the good stuff too, show us your photos, tell us about stuff you like, it’s time you got to speak,” David said.</p><p>Alex nodded and sank into the chair, head bobbing tiredly. She sat there quietly for a while, eyes heavy.</p><p>“Alex?” he said after a few minutes.</p><p>“Yeah?” she said, opening her eyes and staring at him, unfocused and dazed.</p><p>“I think it’s time for bed, and I know you’re young and all your joints are in order but I don’t think you should sleep in that chair,” he said.</p><p>She nodded but closed her eyes again. David waited a few minutes to see if she was going to get up, then got out of bed.</p><p>“Daddy,” Jamilah mumbled, clinging to him.</p><p>“Two minutes sweetheart,” he said, putting her down beside Jake who’d already rolled over to cling to Matteo.</p><p>He was going to steal him back as soon as he came back in.</p><p>He crouched down by the chair.</p><p>“Alex?”</p><p>She woke up slowly, yawning and stretching.</p><p>“What?” she mumbled.</p><p>“Let’s get you to bed ok?” David said, standing up and holding out his hand.</p><p>She took it and let him lead her to her room where she all but collapsed onto the bed. She’d barely even woken. He wondered how much sleep she’d actually gotten this week. Whether it was their little chat or just pure exhaustion hitting her. She was still dressed but only in an old sweater and joggers, he cracked the window in case it got too hot and covered her over with the blanket.</p><p>He headed to the door but just before he switched off the light he had a realisation.</p><p>“Alex do you want the light on?” he asked.</p><p>She opened her eyes and stared at him but didn’t answer.</p><p>“It’s too bright to sleep though,” he said.</p><p>She shrugged.</p><p>“I don’t really sleep,” she murmured.</p><p>“Hold on, I’ll be right back,” he said, heading back to the bedroom and grabbing his bedside lamp.</p><p>It wasn’t brilliant but it would do in a pinch. He took it back to Alex’s room. She was curled up now, fast asleep but he plugged it in on the shelves by the bed anyway. That way if she did wake up in the night she wouldn’t be freaked out by the dark.</p><p>“Good night Alex,” he murmured, switching off the main light and backing out of the room.</p><p>He went back to his room and got back into bed feeling exhausted. Jamilah turned to face him.</p><p>“Is Alex sleeping?” she asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” David said.</p><p>“She doesn’t sleep a lot,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“I know, she was very tired,” David said.</p><p>“Good, she should sleep,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Shall we sleep?” David asked.</p><p>“Yes please,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Good night Jammy,” David said softly, stroking her hair as she drifted off.</p><p>Just before he fell asleep he stole Jake away from Matteo. As he laid there with both of them snuggled tight against him he couldn’t stop a few more tears from falling. But he was happy. He was so happy and it was just the relief of finally being home hitting him.</p><p>Despite being worried the time difference was going to mess with his sleep, he slept soundly through the night. It was the best night’s sleep he’d had in months. He woke to Jake and Jamillah snuggled up close, clinging to him as if they were afraid he was going to disappear in the night. The thought of that made his heartache. David held them close, just enjoying having them back in his arms. Next to him, Matteo was fast asleep, one hand gripping his wrist tight where he’d reached out in the night. He was going to sleep for a long time. David carefully freed his arm from his grip and ran a finger over the shadows under his eyes. They were still slightly puffy from his tears last night. He sighed and leant over to press a kiss to his forehead, causing Matteo to smile in his sleep.</p><p>Carefully, slowly he managed to extract himself from the bed without waking any of them up. This wasn’t that rare an occurrence so he was good at that, often sneaking out for a morning run without waking anyone. He obviously hadn't lost the knack for it despite being away. The trick was to shift the kids to Matteo without waking them. Then when they clung to him it would send him deeper into sleep. He very gently lifted Matty from where he was sleeping on Matteo's chest then crept out of the room.</p><p>Matty stayed asleep in his arms while he wandered around the house, just taking in every room, glad to be home. He ended up sinking to the floor in the hallway just sitting there with Matty cradled in his arms. He closed his eyes and just sat there so happy and calm. He had a small idea of how Matteo felt last night. He still couldn’t quite believe he was home.</p><p>“Hey, are you ok?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Hey Alex, did you sleep?” David asked, opening his eyes and smiling up at her.</p><p>“Yeah I just woke up,” she said, “did you?”</p><p>“Yeah best sleep I've had in months,” David said, standing up.</p><p>He stretched and yawned.</p><p>“Even with everyone on top of you?” she asked.</p><p>“It was a bit warm,” he admitted.</p><p>But he’d never tell the rest of them.</p><p>“Is Matteo ok?” Alex asked as she followed him downstairs.</p><p>“He’s sleeping, I think he’s gonna be a bit quiet the next few days,” David explained.</p><p>“Ok should I just leave him alone?”</p><p>“No no don’t do that, he just might not be as chatty is all, don’t avoid him though he’d hate that,” David insisted.</p><p>“But if he’s not doing good?”</p><p>Some people liked space, he got that but Matteo wasn’t one of those people really. Or he was but not with them. He’d rather sit with them talking around him than be on his own. And if it got too much he’d still rather sit with them in silence.</p><p>“We’ve been through this a few times, I've been through it a ton now, he almost never wants to be alone, if he does he’ll stay in the bedroom, otherwise just be the same but maybe just expect slower quieter responses. Do you need him?” David asked.</p><p>“He said we could go shopping, but it doesn’t matter now,” Alex said.</p><p>“Of course it matters but I don’t think he can today. I could go with you?” David offered.</p><p>“Er… yeah maybe,” she said, unsure.</p><p>“I absolutely get it if you don’t want that,” David said, it made sense she’d only met him yesterday.</p><p>“Could I have a little time to think about it?” she asked.</p><p>“Of course,” David said.</p><p>“Sorry,” she mumbled.</p><p>“Don’t be, your comfort and safety is the most important thing,” David assured her.</p><p>“Aren't you tired?” she asked him.</p><p>David shook his head but then yawned betraying the truth. “A bit but my sleep is gonna be a mess today. I think it’ll take a good few days to even out but it doesn’t really matter I'm home for a while. Plus I’ll be working odd hours in my office because of timezones so I’d better get used to it,” he told her.</p><p>“Oh ok,” she said, sitting down at the counter.</p><p>He settled Matty in his high chair and put his wooden blocks in front of him while he looked around the kitchen pondering what to eat. He was starving, hadn’t eaten since the plane. He should’ve eaten last night when he got in but with all the commotion he’d overlooked his hunger. “Where did you want to go?” he asked Alex, whilst rummaging through the fridge.</p><p>“Just into town there’s this fair trade shop I've always wanted to get stuff from,” she told him, raising an eyebrow as he shoved leftover pasta in his mouth, “not like loads of stuff just a couple of blankets and stuff, to make it look nice, Matteo said I could,” she assured him.</p><p>He put the leftovers back in the fridge and went back to the counter. “I know he told me,” he said, “is it nice to have your own room?”</p><p>She nodded. “I’ve never been allowed to do my own thing,” she said, picking up a block Matty threw on the floor and passing it back to him.</p><p>“What are you thinking?”</p><p>“Like colourful blankets, and maybe some wall hangings, I don’t really know. Matteo said you had string lights somewhere though,” she said hopefully.</p><p>They did somewhere but it had been a while since he’d seen them. She didn’t mean the ones they hung up at Christmas. She meant the ones that Matteo called pretentious when he’d hung them in their first apartment. And then the next one. They never hung them in the house opting for photos and art on canvas instead. “Yeah in the attic probably,” he said.</p><p>“Ok,” she said.</p><p>“Do you need a proper wardrobe?” he asked, remembering the very empty rail he’d seen in her room last night.</p><p>“No I do like the rail,” she said, “it looks cool.”</p><p>“But you need more clothes,” he said.</p><p>She shrugged.</p><p>“You can,” he said.</p><p>She looked down at her hands for a while, pulling at the sleeves. She was wearing his jacket again. He wondered if it was because she liked it or because she really didn’t have anything else. “Do you have any more stuff like this?” she asked him.</p><p>“You like that?” he asked.</p><p>“It’s cool,” she said with a shrug.</p><p>David grinned. “Is it in fashion? Tell Matteo it is. He told me I was pretentious when I bought it, but actually, there's a shop in town I think you’d like. It’s where that’s from. Vintage place. We could check it out, get you some clothes,” he offered.</p><p>“Ok,” she said.</p><p>“I mean you can go with Matteo but you’ve seen what he wears,” David joked.</p><p>“I wouldn’t let either of you help,” she said.</p><p>David placed a hand over his chest, gasping in mock hurt. “Ouch,” he said.</p><p>She smiled then, a small one but David counted it as a win. “It’s funny, Matteo looks like he could be so cool but he just isn’t,” she said.</p><p>David smiled fondly. He thought Matteo was very cool. But he knew he was the only one in the house who did. “Is it the sweaters?” he asked. Matteo had never really changed the way he dressed over the years. He’d been dressing like he was in his forties when they were eighteen.</p><p>“It is but you’re not much better,” she said.</p><p>“Do you want breakfast?” he asked, realising they’d just been sitting there for about ten minutes now. Matty was starting to get restless.</p><p>“I’ll just have toast,” she said, frowning suspiciously at him.</p><p>“Do you think I can’t cook?” he asked.</p><p>There was a thundering of footsteps above them and then Jamilah was running down the stairs and straight into the kitchen, slipping as her feet hit the tiles. David jumped up and grabbed her before she fell. “Hey monster,” he said, picking her up.</p><p>“Daddy I thought you'd left,” she said, kicking her legs out as he spun her around.</p><p>That hurt a lot. He wondered how long that would be a worry for her. Hopefully, it would pass quickly. “Not going anywhere,” he insisted, “just down here about to make breakfast although Alex is very dubious about my cooking skills,” he said.</p><p>“I just assumed, you know because Matteo always seems to cook,” she said.</p><p>“He does, he actually enjoys it, but I don’t mind cooking and I’m not half bad. Matteo taught me a lot,” he told her.</p><p>“Is it school today?” Jamilah asked him.</p><p>He carried her over and put her down on the stool beside Alex. “Nope it’s Saturday, I’ve got you all day, and tomorrow too,” he said.</p><p>“Yay!” she said, swinging her legs.</p><p>David went round to the other side and turned to face both of them. “Jake still sleeping?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah he’s really fast asleep,” she said.</p><p>“That's good and papa?”</p><p>“He woke up but went back to sleep, he didn’t say anything,” she told him.</p><p>“Papa might need a quiet few days,” David said.</p><p>“Ok. Can I have breakfast?” she asked.</p><p>“What do you want?” he asked.</p><p>“Can I have eggs?” she asked.</p><p>He grabbed a pan from the cupboard. “You can have whatever you want,” he said.</p><p>“Can I have chocolate?” she asked immediately.</p><p>He laughed. “No,” he said, shaking his head.</p><p>She huffed and climbed down from the stool, marching over to him. “You just said!” she exclaimed, standing there with a hand on her hip.</p><p>“Hmm maybe as an absolute... extreme... one-off…”</p><p>Her eyes lit up and she started jumping up and down.</p><p>“Nutella pancakes?” he suggested.</p><p>“Yes. Oh yes please! Chocolate for breakfast! I'll go get Jake,” she said, running off immediately.</p><p>“Quietly Jammy,” he called after her, then turned to Alex, “nutella pancakes?” he asked.</p><p>“Yes please,” she said.</p><p>David mixed up some baby rice for Matty first and set it aside to cool. Then he grabbed everything got started on the pancake mix. He assumed because no one had come running back in and there was no yelling from upstairs that Jamilah was waking Jake gently.</p><p>“Huh,” Alex said as she watched him cracking the eggs into the bowl.</p><p>He grinned, knowing exactly what she was thinking. “You seem so surprised,” he observed.</p><p>“I dunno I just figured you wouldn’t be so hands-on,” she said.</p><p>He got that, he’d been away afterall. Plus the kitchen was Matteo’s domain and he made that very clear. “I’m hurt,” David joked, “you thought I was the one away at work and Matteo did all the stuff around here?”</p><p>“Yeah,” she admitted.</p><p>He lit the hob and started to heat some oil in the pan. “That’s not really true,” he told her over his shoulder, “I'm usually here most of the time so we just divide it up and do it all together. Matteo is kind of in charge though or I let him think he is. But no I let him run the house because he needs to, things were bad at home for him when he was a kid so keeping a tidy home is really important to him.”</p><p>“God, you are just as bad aren't you?” Alex asked.</p><p>He turned around at that, frowning. “Excuse me?” he said, before turning back to the pan.</p><p>“He is so sappy for you all the time and you’re just as bad, he literally namedropped you every five minutes in every conversation we’ve had and you’re the same. It’s not gonna stop, is it? Even though you’re back,” she said, getting up and grabbing some plates.</p><p>He noticed that she got the correct colourful ones for Jake and Jamilah and he smiled, taking them from her. “Like it might be better but no probably not,” he admitted.</p><p>“I… think maybe I can go shopping with you,” she said, sitting back down.</p><p>He presumed she’d decided that based on how lame she judged him to be. “We’ll take Jamilah,” he said.</p><p>“Ok and Jake?”</p><p>David divided up the pancakes onto the three plates and carried them over to the table. “I wanna leave Jake and Matty with Matteo,” he said.</p><p>They both looked up as Jamilah ran in dragging a very sleepy Jake behind her.</p><p>“Chocolate?” he mumbled.</p><p>“Yep,” he said. He watched Jamilah and Jake take their seats at the counter and then placed the jar of nutella in front of them. Jamilah’s eyes lit up. She would eat the whole jar if he let her. And then proceed to be violently sick probably. “Only on the pancakes,” he warned.</p><p>Alex snatched it before she could grab it. Obviously thinking the same thing.</p><p>David just smiled as he watched Alex help Jake do his pancakes before doing the same for Jamilah then her own. Jamilah didn’t even complain just beamed at her. He was just about to grab Matty’s breakfast when Matteo appeared in the doorway looking a bit lost. “Hey,” David said.</p><p>Matteo just stared at him, still trying to wake up. Probably a little distressed that the bed had been empty when he’d woken. He’d wanted Matteo to sleep all day but he wouldn’t not on his own. David went over and pulled him into his arms, pressing gentle kisses to his temple, and holding him tight as he nuzzled against David’s neck. He wasn’t crying though, that was something.</p><p>“Matteo?” he said gently.</p><p>Matteo just pulled back and smiled weakly at him. He wasn’t going to speak yet and that was fine. David gave him one more kiss and then pressed Matty’s bowl into his hands.</p><p>Matteo looked down at it for a moment then nodded. He sat in front of Matty, pushed the blocks to one side and began to feed him. David turned back to the hob and made them both a plate with the pancake mix that was left.</p><p>“We’re having chocolate papa,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“It’s super yummy,” Jake said.</p><p>“But Daddy said it's only this once though. Are you going to have chocolate papa? Or are you going to be boring?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Papa I didn’t have any nightmares,” Jake said.</p><p>“Papa, what are we doing today? We don’t have school,” Jamilah said.</p><p>This must have been how mornings had gone for a while now. Matteo had been their sole source of information in the mornings. It was as if they’d forgotten that David could plan their days too. He sighed but he knew it would pass.</p><p>“Papa?” Jamilah asked carefully.</p><p>“Quiet day today, Jamilah, give it time,” David reminded her, sitting beside Matteo and handing him a plate. “Eat,” he said, gently taking Matty's spoon and letting him feed himself. “Jamilah I was thinking you and I could go with Alex to get stuff for her room.”</p><p>“To town?” she asked excitedly.</p><p>“Yep and we’ll go pick up the car,” David said.</p><p>“On the bus?”</p><p>“Yes we’ll have to get the bus to the airport,” David said.</p><p>“Yes! What about Jake?” she asked.</p><p>“I want to stay with papa,” Jake insisted, staring at David like he was worried he was going to be dragged to town away from his papa.</p><p>David wouldn’t do that. Matteo was having a quiet day but Jake was having a clingy day, he wouldn’t want to go out today. Even though he’d only just come back and Jake was clingy to both of them, he wouldn’t want to leave Matteo today.</p><p>And he got it. Jake probably didn’t not as young as he was but it was a need to take care of his papa that he wasn’t even aware of. Matteo didn’t need it, Jake and Matty would be perfectly fine with him. He was just a bit tired and quiet. “I know, just us three ok?”</p><p>“Ok it'll be fun,” Jamilah said, but she glanced at Matteo and looked unsure.</p><p>David turned to his husband. “Do you need me to stay?” he asked gently.</p><p>Matteo just shrugged continuing to eat his pancakes slowly.</p><p>“Tell me the truth Matteo,” David insisted.</p><p>“Quiet day,” Jake reminded him.</p><p>He didn’t need Matteo to talk though, he always knew what he meant, what he needed. He turned Matteo on the stool to face him, reaching out and running his hands up and down his arms. “What do you need?” he asked, searching his face. Matteo took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak. But no sound came out so instead, he pressed their foreheads together. He was ok. He was tired and a little on the overwhelmed side but he would be ok. Yesterday had taken a lot from him.</p><p>“We’ll be back early afternoon,” David promised.</p><p>Matteo nodded and turned back to the counter, smiling. He reached out and wiped Matty's face with his bib.</p><p>“Wow,” Alex said quietly.</p><p>“They always do that they’re telephonics,” Jamilah told her.</p><p>“What?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Telepathic?” David asked her.</p><p>“Yeah, telepathics! Me and Jake are trying to learn it because we’re twins but daddy says it’s not real,” she said pressing her forehead against Jake’s and humming a high pitch tone. Jake giggled as she squeezed his face.</p><p>“And yet he can read Matteo’s mind?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Exactly,” Jamilah agreed.</p><p>David laughed at her tone. “That's just years of practice,” he told them.</p><p>“No,” Matteo croaked and they all looked at him then back to David. Of course, he was finally speaking just to disagree with him.</p><p>He rolled his eyes fondly when Matteo just smiled innocently at him. “But Matteo will tell you I could do it from the start, that I’ve understood him as long as we’ve known each other,” he said. It was the truth though or it had certainly felt that way.</p><p>“Do you two want to go get ready? We should go early and get the car.”</p><p>“Are you gonna drive into town?” Matteo asked, voice still low and croaky from disuse. He’d barely spoken yesterday either.</p><p>David pressed a kiss to his cheek and pulled him close. They were practically sharing a stool. “May as well, if we’re gonna get decor for the bedroom and clothes and stuff. We know Jamilah won’t help us carry anything-”</p><p>“Hey!” she exclaimed.</p><p>“Go get dressed,” David said.</p><p>“Shower?” she asked.</p><p>Matteo nodded against him.</p><p>“Yes shower,” David said.</p><p>“But why?” she whined.</p><p>“When did you last shower?” David asked.</p><p>“Wednesday,” Alex said when she didn’t answer.</p><p>“Shower Jammy,” he said.</p><p>She huffed and jumped down, marching upstairs. Alex got up and followed her, Jamilah calling her a traitor the entire time.</p><p>“You going to be ok here with Matty and Jakey?” David checked.</p><p>“I’ll look after papa, daddy,” Jake promised.</p><p>David reached over and stroked his face. “I know you will Jakey. How was your chocolatey breakfast?” he asked.</p><p>“Can we have it every day?” Jake asked.</p><p>“No your teeth will fall out,” David said.</p><p>“Special days only?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Special days,” David agreed.</p><p>“Today is a special day because you’re home,” Jake said.</p><p>“I am,” David said, smiling at him.</p><p>“Forever?” Jake asked.</p><p>David wasn’t going anywhere. He could travel for work and still be here the majority of the time. They’d had a good balance. The past three months had not been that. Despite the daily phone calls he’d been absent and he’d felt it, they all had. He was already rethinking how he was going to work in the future. “Forever,” he promised, “I’m gonna be here working in my office, annoying papa and getting in the way for months,” he said.</p><p>“Yay! Papa doesn't mind,” Jake assured him seriously.</p><p>David nodded his agreement, pulling Matteo against him. He was practically falling off his stool but David had a tight grip on him. He wouldn’t let him fall. “No he doesn’t, do you love?” he murmured.</p><p>Matteo closed his eyes and leant heavily against him, David just held him tight, pressing his forehead against the side of his head. “What are you going to do while we’re shopping?” he asked Jake.</p><p>“Can we watch cartoons?” Jake asked, “and can I get the trains out?”</p><p>“You can. It's a nice day though, maybe you could go play outside,” David suggested.</p><p>“Yeah! We can play buried treasure,” Jake said, glancing over at Matty.</p><p>David knew exactly what he was thinking and decided to stop him in his tracks. “Do not bury your brother,” he warned.</p><p>Jake huffed and rolled his eyes and at that moment he looked so much like Matteo that David couldn’t help but reach out and squeeze his cheeks. Jake squirmed away. “I won’t dad god! Do I have to get dressed today?”</p><p>“If you go outside yes, it’s getting colder now,” David said. Otherwise, if he was staying indoors there was no harm in having a pyjama day. Then he realised what Jake actually meant. “But you have to wear something,” he clarified.</p><p>“That’s so dumb,” Jake said, pulling at his pyjama top like it offended him.</p><p>“I’m ready!” Jamilah yelled, running into the room.</p><p>“That was quick,” David observed, but she was dressed and she looked clean so he didn't argue.</p><p>Alex came in and stood behind her, dressed in the same clothes as yesterday. But she couldn’t help that. They would rectify that today, or get started at least. It would take time to build up a wardrobe. “Yeah I'm ready too,” she said, shrugging the jacket David had given her on. She seemed to have taken a liking to it.</p><p>“Alex didn't shower,” Jamilah accused.</p><p>What a little tattle tale she was. David grinned at Matteo who returned it warmly. “Alex is seventeen I trust her to know her own hygiene levels,” he said. “But don’t worry Alex, if you start to smell we’ll tell you.”</p><p>He reluctantly pulled away from Matteo and stood up, stretching. “I’m going to go shower and dress quickly,” he told them. Matteo quietly moved over to the sink and started to wash up the dishes. David smiled at him, it was all so familiar, their Saturday mornings. Despite his time away, this was the same, he was home now and he fit right back in.</p><p>“Jake? Do you want to show Alex where the box of trains is? And she can help you reach them down,” he said, watching Jake jump down and pull her away.</p><p>Jamilah went to rush after them but David held her back, grabbing Matty from the highchair and putting him down on the floor. He wobbled and grabbed Jamilah’s legs to stay on his feet. She giggled and crouched down to help him toddle after the other two.</p><p>David crept up behind Matteo and looped his arms around his waist, hooking his chin over his shoulder. “Doing ok?” he asked, scrunching up his nose when Matteo rubbed soap suds on it.</p><p>“I’m ok,” Matteo said, turning to kiss him, softly pressing his lips against his. David’s arms tightened around his waist and Matteo sighed breaking the kiss to shut off the water and turned in his arms to face him. David kissed him again and again, lips parting and just breathing him in. Matteo sagged against him. Oh, how David had missed this man. Last night he’d been too overwhelmed for more than a quick gentle welcome home kiss at the airport. He’d just needed to be held so that was what David had done.</p><p>He was clearly feeling a bit better, hands gripping the waistband of David’s shorts tight, pulling him in until he was pressing Matteo against the counter. The thoughts of showers and shopping were forgotten. All he could think of was Matteo pressed against him tasting sweet like chocolate spread.</p><p>This was going to get out of hand quickly if they weren’t careful. But it had been months since he’d had Matteo in his arms and right now he just wanted to drag his husband upstairs and worship him like he deserved. If they were quick maybe they could get away with it while the kids were all distracted by the train set. He didn’t want quick though, he wanted to take his time, take care of Matteo, love him. There was plenty of time now he was home. For now, he could just revel in the feeling of his husband in his arms, kiss him to make up for every single kiss they’d missed. Apparently, they couldn’t even do that though. There was no chance of peace in this house.</p><p>“Daddy!”</p><p>David pulled back and groaned while Matteo just laughed and fell forward, pressing his head against his chest. “Yes, dear?”</p><p>“Go and get dressed!” she demanded.</p><p>David gave Matteo one more kiss and let him go.</p><p>“Cold shower?” Matteo murmured, laughing quietly, eyes filled with mischief.</p><p>David smiled fondly at him, happy that he was smiling. He still kicked him for that comment though then headed upstairs, ruffling Jamilah’s hair on his way past.</p><p>He did not have a cold shower like Matteo suggested. He had it nice and hot and took his time. He was feeling lazy. It felt like his first weekend in a long time. He’d only had a few free weekends in LA and most of those had been towards the end of the shoot. LA was an amazing city and he really did like it. He’d made sure to try and enjoy and appreciate his time there but shopping with Jamilah and Alex? He’d prefer that any day over exploring LA by himself.</p><p>When he stepped out of the shower he took one look at his unpacked bags and went straight to the wardrobe instead. They were going to stay like that a while. Until Matteo got annoyed with him. Instead, he grabbed some clean jeans and a dark green shirt, throwing on a sweater over the top. He didn’t usually feel the cold but it had been a lot hotter in LA and he felt a little chilly today. He would feel warmer if he could just cuddle Matteo today but he wasn’t going to dwell on that. Plus Alex needed clothes and that was important.</p><p>When he got back downstairs everyone was now in the living room, Matteo on the sofa with Matty. Jake was clearly building a railway empire across the floor, Jamilah instructing him on where to place the tracks. He was mostly ignoring her and doing his own thing despite her protests. Alex was in the chair on her phone but she was paying attention, every time Jamilah asked her to argue with Jake for her she took his side instead, frustrating her to no end.</p><p>“Shoes and jackets?” David suggested.</p><p>Jamilah jumped up and ran off. “Come on Alex!” she demanded.</p><p>Alex got up. “I’m already wearing my jacket,” she muttered.</p><p>She didn’t seem all that enthusiastic. Before she could follow Jamilah, David held out his hand to stop her without grabbing her. “Don’t worry, she takes longer shoes are tricky for nine-year-olds sometimes,” he said. “You still feeling ok about hanging out with us?”</p><p>She shrugged, eyes fixed on the ground. “Yeah,” she whispered.</p><p>“You want to come home just say,” David reminded her.</p><p>She huffed and despite the fact she wouldn’t look at him he was pretty sure she'd rolled her eyes. “I’m fine. I'm not a baby,” she said but there was no heat in her voice, just a tinge of sadness.</p><p>David frowned but before he could say anything Matteo got up from the sofa and came over to them.</p><p>He pushed his hair back from his face, sighing slightly. He was trying to figure out how to explain something. “She needs money,” he muttered.</p><p>David shrugged, he wasn’t planning on going out without his wallet.</p><p>“No, it’s… she needs her own, you know? Or she won’t buy anything,” Matteo explained.</p><p>Alex crossed her arms over her chest and stared defiantly at Matteo. David got it right away. Damn, it had been a long time since he was a teenager but he knew exactly what he meant. He remembered moving in with Laura, the pittance of an allowance his parents gave him in the hope that he would give in and conform to their wishes. He remembered wearing his only pair of trainers until they fell apart because he refused to ask them for anything and he couldn’t bring himself to ask Laura as she’d already given him so much.</p><p>As soon as he’d finished school he’d gotten a job. Well, he’d had the summer then when film school started up he got a job working in a supermarket that would fit around that.</p><p>Matteo’s father had been the opposite. In order to avoid talking to his son had just thrown money at him regularly. Paid his rent plus an allowance. Of course, Matteo would have preferred that his father hadn’t abandoned him. No amount of money made up for it and he spent a lot of that allowance on booze and weed rather than the school books and clothes his dad probably expected.</p><p>Like David he’d gotten a job straight after school, working in the library helping older people use the computers. It wasn’t much but it kept him busy for his gap year and he kept it up throughout uni.</p><p>It allowed him and David to move out and enabled him to turn down the money his dad sent him. He still did and Matteo didn’t touch it for a long time even offering it back to him when they finally reconciled. He hadn't taken it back so Matteo had given most of it to David to fund one of his early unpaid film projects. Had shut down David’s protests saying it was an investment in their future. It had been really thinking about it.</p><p>Without Matteo’s support, he wouldn’t have been able to make half of the decisions he had back then, to choose the bolder more creative films with smaller audiences but that told the story he wanted to tell.</p><p>But they were doing well now, he was successful, money wasn’t the worry it once was. And it didn’t have to be a worry for Alex but it wasn’t that straightforward. He knew how it felt to owe people. Even though that wasn’t the case here, that would be what it felt like to her. She wouldn’t want them to buy her anything. So they would have to handle this carefully. Normally he would have sat down with Alex and Matteo and chatted about this but they were practically halfway out of the door.</p><p>“Do you have a bank account?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” she said quietly.</p><p>“Can I have the details?” David asked, getting out his phone.</p><p>“It’s not… it doesn't matter. I don’t want much I only wanted a few blankets. I have a little bit of money so I can probably afford them. Or I'll get a job I’ll pay you back, I don’t want to be difficult so I don’t want to take a lot,” she said.</p><p>David wanted to hug her and promise her none of that mattered anymore, that it was time she let someone care for her. Something she’d been owed for a long time.</p><p>“Alex don’t worry about that right now, ok? We’re taking care of you, that means we have to make sure you have what you need. You need clothes and you need a comfortable room. We’ll sort out an allowance later but for now, let me give you some money please, I want you to get whatever you want today,” he said.</p><p>She reluctantly showed him her account on her phone. She had just over twenty-three euros in there. David wanted to cry, that was all she had in the world. He added her to his account and transferred five hundred euros, that way she could get whatever she wanted for her room and have enough left over for clothes. He didn’t know what she liked or how expensive the cool clothes were for teenagers.</p><p>“No that’s too much, you already bought the furniture, and the laptop,” she argued when she saw her balance change.</p><p>Was she talking about the desk and the clothes rail? They’d spent more on the twins' new bunk beds. And the laptop was for her schoolwork so it didn’t even count. “It was only Ikea stuff wasn’t it?” David asked.</p><p>Matteo started to laugh then and David frowned at him, unsure. “What?”</p><p>“Snob,” he muttered.</p><p>How dare he? He wasn’t a snob he just had taste. Matteo had no taste. “No I’m not!” he said, shoving him. Matteo just wrapped his arms around him and leant on him.</p><p>“That is a bit snobby,” Alex agreed, hi-fiving Matteo.</p><p>At least she was smiling though, it had distracted her and she hadn’t tried to give the money back. Now he just had to get her to spend it. “Rude both of you, I am a man of means. I like to live comfortably. I promise you it’s not breaking the bank. Just have fun with it, yeah?”</p><p>She didn’t look convinced at all. She looked pretty uncomfortable.</p><p>Matteo pulled back from David and turned to her. “Alex? I know this is hard and you still don’t know what you can trust yet. I get that. But I promise you this isn’t a loan, nor do you owe us anything for it. We will not take it back from you no matter what. If you get bad grades, if you yell at us. If you break something, or hell if you have a wild party and trash the place we won’t take anything back because that is not ok. We’d make you clean up mind but we don’t take back what you’ve been given,” he said.</p><p>“Ok,” she said quietly.</p><p>“Shall we go?”</p><p>Alex nodded.</p><p>“Alex?”</p><p>“Mm?”</p><p>“Just have fun ok and don’t listen to David’s advice on clothes, he knows nothing,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Fuck off Matteo,” David grabbing the neck of his t-shirt and pulling him in for a kiss, Matteo smirked against his lips. “Actually Alex I have attended many red carpet events, I know what looks good,” he said.</p><p>“I want clothes for school, not Armani suits,” she countered with a grin.</p><p>Damn, she was rude, he loved it, would do everything to encourage that quick wit. He turned to go and found Jamilah waiting for them in the doorway. For once she was being patient, she could tell when they were having important conversations, she knew how important it was for them to encourage Alex.</p><p>“I’m ready,” she said, showing David her neatly laced shoes.</p><p>“Then let’s go,” David said, turning to Jake, “behave for papa,” he said.</p><p>Jake nodded and wrapped his arms around Matteo’s leg.</p><p>“Ok?” David checked with Matteo.</p><p>Matteo just nodded, smiling and giving him a kiss before going over to the couch, dragging his leg with Jake still attached. Jake let go and he collapsed onto the sofa, waving them off.</p><p>They headed out and walked toward the bus stop, Jamilah holding his hand. Alex on his other side.</p><p>“How come you don’t have a car?” she asked.</p><p>“Does anyone have two cars these days?” David asked.</p><p>“Well no but rich people yeah and how come Matteo doesn’t have a fancier car?” she asked.</p><p>David smiled, nothing about them was fancy, it just didn’t fit them. “Yeah, I bought him that, years ago now, I was doing pretty well by then, making the big money and I wanted to treat him,” he said.</p><p>“So you bought him a Hyundai?”</p><p>“Hey it was pretty expensive back in the day, electric cars were still overpriced back then. But there was no way he was gonna accept a Tesla or one of the other fancy ones. He says I’m a snob but that only covers art and furniture, I don’t care for cars, don’t even have one,” he said sitting down on the bench and pulling Jamilah onto his lap. “Nearly ten years though, it lasted pretty well. We don’t need two cars, we barely even need one.”</p><p>“Daddy never goes anywhere without papa,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“That’s probably far too true,” he agreed. “But we’re only a thirty-minute bus ride from the city centre, we don’t need two cars. If I did have to drive a distance I'd probably lease something, sometimes for work you know, but that’s usually sorted by the job,” he explained. “Do you have a bus pass?” he asked as the bus pulled up.</p><p>“Yeah,” she said.</p><p>They let the passengers off then climbed onto the bus and took the seats near the back. “When does it expire?” he asked.</p><p>She grabbed her phone to check. “Couple weeks,” she told him.</p><p>“Ok just remind us,” he said.</p><p>“I have a ticket on daddy’s phone,” Jamilah said, “can I see?”</p><p>David nodded and showed her the family pass. She giggled at all their faces. “Shall we sing?” she asked.</p><p>“Let’s not,” he said, bumping her shoulder with his own.</p><p>“How many stops?” she asked.</p><p>“Twelve,” he told her.</p><p>“Twelve?”</p><p>“And then we switch and it’s like three more on the express,” he said.</p><p>“I’ll count, did papa tell you he taught me big maths?”</p><p>“He did, all that fancy multiplication,” he said.</p><p>“Alex gets the bus to school, we walk her to the bus stop in the morning,” Jamilah told him.</p><p>He smiled and glanced back at Alex who was staring out of the window. But she was listening. “I know,” he said.</p><p>“Are you going to come with us in the mornings?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said.</p><p>“Because papa says you make us late,” Jamilah told him.</p><p>“Papa is a liar because he was late every day I was away,” David reminded her.</p><p>“That’s true,” she said, “Nine more stops,” she added.</p><p>“I hate being late for school,” Alex said, quietly.</p><p>David turned in his seat to face her. “Why?” he asked.</p><p>“Too much attention, it just causes grief,” she said.</p><p>David got that, knew exactly how it felt to try and stay under the radar, to get through school unseen. “I used to be the same,” he said. “Had to be so well behaved because all the teachers had this preconceived notion that I was trouble. I was angry and trans and I stood up for myself and that made me difficult and trouble in their eyes. So, in the end, I learnt to stay quiet.”</p><p>“It’s the same, kids fuck with me because I’m an orphan, sorry...”</p><p>Alex glanced at Jamilah who grinned in delight.</p><p>“S’ok she knows its a bad word just try to swear less. But we all slip up,” he assured her.</p><p>“Nonno says he’s improving our vocabulary,” she said, stretching out the word vocabulary, sounding it out to make sure she got it right.</p><p>“Nonno is very naughty, that’s Matteo’s dad, Italian, Matteo says he’s always sworn a lot but it has less impact because it’s not in his own language,” he clarified for Alex, “he’s a fun guy though. We have a strange relationship. I didn’t like him for the longest time but he’s grown on me, you’d like him I think. But the kids at school?”</p><p>“Yeah the kids at school are really bad about it or… not so much anymore but they were and I think it’s just on my record that I’m troubled so… and it’s the same with all the foster homes,” she said.</p><p>“Not this one, and any school stuff we’ll deal with it don’t worry, you have support now,” David promised. “You know Matteo’s still funny about being late?”</p><p>“You’re doing it again,” Alex said.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Five stops,” Jamilah said.</p><p>He glanced up at the display. She was off by one.</p><p>“Six sweetheart, doing what?” he asked.</p><p>“Name dropping,” Alex teased.</p><p>“Fine never mind I won’t say another word,” David said, miming zipping his lips.</p><p>“No, tell me, why is Matteo funny about being late?”</p><p>“He freaks out about it, about other parents or teachers judging him,” he said.</p><p>“Daddy doesn’t care,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“No I don’t let them judge, I know I'm a good parent, we both are, our kids are happy and healthy who cares if they’re two minutes late to school because Jake wanted to pick flowers on the way. But I mean you should be on time you’re doing abi so you gotta knuckle down and all that stuff,” he said, trying his best to sound responsible.</p><p>“Lame,” she said.</p><p>“Very lame,” he agreed, “however you just do your best, I know you’ve tried and we’ll be proud. Any Matteo says you have a B plus so you’ll be fine. But grades aren’t all that. You like photography? That’s really cool.”</p><p>“Yeah,” she said.</p><p>“Do you have a camera?”</p><p>“I have my mum’s old one,” she told him.</p><p>“It must be very old,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“It still works though, I took care of it,” she said.</p><p>“Two stops?”</p><p>“Two stops,” David confirmed. “That’s really cool though Alex, can you show me?”</p><p>“Ok,” she said.</p><p>“Did Matteo show you my cameras?” he asked, standing up and taking Jamilah’s hand.</p><p>Alex got up and followed him, they stepped off the bus and waited for their connection.</p><p>“He did but he didn’t really know much about them. He said you should show me because you talk about them so much, he said you’d enjoy showing me properly.”</p><p>“I really would if you’d like,” David said.</p><p>“I’d really like that, yeah,” she said quietly.</p><p>The airport bus pulled up a minute later and they all climbed on. Jamilah was quiet now. This bus was busy, always was no matter what time of day it was, it’s why he hadn't wanted to try it last night with all of them. There were only three stops but the crowds had both Jamilah and Alex on edge. He guided them to a small space where Alex could stand behind him without being touched by any of the other passengers. He picked up Jamillah and turned to face Alex.</p><p>“Couple of stops,” he promised.</p><p>“S’ok, it’s not as bad as the subway,” she said.</p><p>“Very true,” David agreed.</p><p>“Daddy I don’t like this bus,” Jamilah said, burying her face against his shoulder.</p><p>“I know sweetheart, two more stops ok?”</p><p>“Ok,” she mumbled.</p><p>“We’re driving back remember, no more buses today,” he assured her.</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>It didn’t take much longer on the airport bus, the final two stops going past quickly. Both girls stayed quiet in the crowds. David just stuck close to Alex, holding Jamilah tight. He wasn’t the biggest fan of driving, didn’t like taking the car out more than necessary but it was pretty useful on days like this. It would be far preferable to drive back, especially as he had to convince Alex to buy as much stuff as they could carry.</p><p>When they got off the bus at the airport David put Jamilah back down and took her hand instead. “Do you remember the way to the car park?” he asked.</p><p>She shook her head and looked at Alex who had tried to direct her last night. Alex just shrugged. David crouched down and pointed out the signs to her.</p><p>“Oh, it’s this way! We’re in B!” she said, tugging him along.</p><p>Alex just followed them, smiling in amusement.</p><p>They found the car easily enough, Jamilah counting down the spaces until they reached seventy-six.</p><p>“Can I sit in the front?” she asked.</p><p>He looked into the car. “Your seats in the back,” he said, pointing at hers behind the driver’s side. Jake’s was behind the passenger seat and Matty’s reverse seat was in the middle. Jamilah’s seat had been in the front while he’d been in LA but Matteo had obviously moved it when Alex moved in. It was pretty funny that he hadn't thought it through. That all of them had just jumped in the car and come to get him. It had only taken them a few days to get used to the new seating arrangement and in that time they’d forgotten that David also needed a seat.</p><p>It was lucky that David had gotten them such a big car in the first place, not many would squeeze three car seats in the back. Back then it had been for all his filming stuff, twice Matteo had driven him out to location shoots in the middle of nowhere with a car half full of equipment. Boxes of lenses, tripods, all the lighting stuff. It filled the car with the seats folded down and left him and David squashed in the front. Now all that had been swapped out for car seats and kids entertainment. But it meant they never did end up trading in the car for a family one, just adapted what they had.</p><p>“Are we getting a new car daddy?” she asked as he strapped her into her seat.</p><p>“Yeah we’ll have to,” he said, making sure she was secure. “It’s only about a thirty-minute drive back to town, do you want to watch videos or do you want to talk to us?” he asked.</p><p>“Talk to you!” she said, kicking at the back of the seat in front.</p><p>He raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“You’re not driving yet,” she said cheekily.</p><p>“Hm.”</p><p>Matteo had hooked up a couple of car entertainment units onto the back of the headrests to keep them quiet on longer journeys, like when they drove up to the cabin. But other than that they didn’t get used, by the time either of them had decided on what they wanted to watch they’d usually arrived at their destination.</p><p>“Hey maybe you can have this one,” David suggested to Alex as he got in the driver's seat, he gestured at the console and she typed in the address of the store she wanted to visit. David changed the view so it searched for parking nearby. Once it was loaded he set off.</p><p>“I can’t drive,” she said, as they pulled out of the car park.</p><p>He glanced over at her. “No, but you’ll be learning soon right? Or you don’t have to, I didn’t learn until I was twenty-one and Matteo was twenty-three when he learnt so there's no need but if you want to we’ll get you lessons. I guess it depends on where you want to live. As long as you’re with us we’ll drive you anywhere you want to go.</p><p>“And if you’re staying in the city for the next few years you’ll probably get away with it, we did. I learnt for my first big location shoot and then Matteo learnt when he wanted to come along but needed to be coming back by himself for work. So if you wanted to move around, explore, especially for photography, that might be useful, but no rush,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah I guess,” she said.</p><p>“No pressure though. To be honest, we almost never drive, just to the airport or out to the lake sometimes, we have a cabin up there,” he said.</p><p>“Wow,” Alex said.</p><p>“I love the cabin! I can swim really well,” Jamilah told her.</p><p>“I can’t swim,” Alex said.</p><p>“I can teach you,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“I’ll teach you if you like, whenever we next go up but Jamilah can help,” he said when he noticed Jamilah pouting in the rearview. “Ok so we’re doing room decor and then getting you all kitted out so you’ll be the coolest kid in school,” he said as they hit downtown.</p><p>“When were you in school again, nineteen seventy-two?”</p><p>David just chuckled.</p><p>“Daddy are we going to the mall?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“No,” Alex scoffed, glancing back at Jamilah who stuck out her tongue.</p><p>“I thought we were buying clothes,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“I don’t shop at the mall,” Alex told her.</p><p>Jamilah met his eye in the mirror frowning in confusion. She didn’t know where else clothes came from. “Alex is cool sweetheart she doesn’t want mass-produced stuff,” David told her.</p><p>“Grandma brings me to the mall for new clothes,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“My mum?” David clarified. His mum loved spoiling the kids. They always came back with bags of toys and clothes. He didn’t know if she was trying to make up for her failings as a parent or she just didn’t know what else to do with kids. He’d had to tell her to reign it in. They didn’t need all this stuff, they would be happy just spending time with her, watching a movie or reading a book. She seemed to be getting it. He wondered what his parents would make of Alex. He hadn’t called them in a while. Couldn’t imagine that Matteo had called to tell them the news.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jamilah said, “and nana makes me clothes, can she make big clothes?” she asked.</p><p>Matteo’s mum was the complete opposite of his own, a complete natural with all of them. But Matteo had always said she’d been a fantastic mum, whenever she could be there for him she was. It was only natural she was just as good at being a grandmother. He knew Matteo had called her to let her know about Alex moving in and she was suitably excited. Couldn’t wait to meet her. Reassured Matteo that it was a good idea and that he was doing the right thing. She was so proud of him, of both of them. He’d envied that relationship a long time until he realised he didn’t have to.</p><p>Back when they’d first started dating it had really thrown him. Having a parental figure in his life and more than that one who was proud of him. She asked to see his projects that he made for school, read through his essays. Even came along with Matteo and Laura when he won an award in his second year. He’d always had Laura but with Matteo came so much more, he gained a whole family. Both his mum and his dad loved David as if he were there own and after lacking that for so long it was a heel of thing to get used. But he did and he loved them both.</p><p>“I don't think Alex wants knitted clothes,” he said, pulling the car into the car park.</p><p>The shop they were going to was only a few minutes away from the clothes shop he wanted to show Alex which was convenient. But then there were a lot of cool shops around here, he remembered dragging Matteo round all the little independent stores on more than one occasion.</p><p>“I might,” Alex said, getting out of the car.</p><p>David got out, and let Jamilah out. “Do you?” he asked.</p><p>“No,” she said, smirking.</p><p>“You’re probably gonna get some anyway,” he warned her, letting her lead them over to the shop.</p><p>“Ok,” she said with a shrug.</p><p>“Nana makes lovely jumpers, you have to tell her your favourite colours,” Jamilah said as they crossed over to the shop.</p><p>“Is this the place?” David asked.</p><p>She nodded. “Yeah I saw it online a couple of years back, but it’s near my school,” she said, pointing down the road, she must have walked past before, “and I've always wanted to come in but I had no money. You see these throws? My mum would’ve loved these,” she said as they looked in the window.</p><p>She was looking at some brightly coloured bohemian throws, oranges, browns and dark blues, not unlike something he would have had when he was younger. Pretty cool really, she had her own style, or she wanted one but hadn’t had the chance yet. It was nice that she was inspired by her mum’s taste. He wanted to encourage that. Hopefully, if they went through her photos they would get some more ideas but this place seemed like a good start.</p><p>“Shall we go in?” he asked.</p><p>“Ok,” she said, leading them into the shop.</p><p>David kept a tight hold of Jamilah’s hand as they stepped inside even when she tugged at him and tried to get free. He looked down at her. “Are you going to behave?” he asked.</p><p>She nodded. “Can I touch?”</p><p>“You can touch the soft stuff, anything glass leave alone,” he warned but he trusted her not to run amok in the shop, she was excitable sure but she was well behaved. When she wanted to be. She understood the difference between shops and home. He let both of them wander into the store.</p><p>The shop assistant, a girl around Alex’s age approached him with a smile. “Hey, are you looking for anything in particular?” she asked.</p><p>“Oh hi, that’s my... Alex, she’s just moved in with us and she’s doing her room. She’s very cool we want her room to reflect that. So she wanted some throws and stuff, but I think just let her look and choose, if that’s ok?”</p><p>She nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah course,” she said.</p><p>“This is a nice store, I love this style very bohemian,” he said.</p><p>The girl grinned at him.</p><p>“Do I sound old?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” she said, “but it’s a really cool place to work, I’m in my first year at uni so it’s ideal and far better than any of the chain stores. I get to wear my own clothes for one thing. And this is my style,” she said.</p><p>“Are you American?” David asked</p><p>“Damn it,” she said, “the accent?”</p><p>“Yeah. Your German is great but your customer service is way too American,” David told her.</p><p>“I’ve noticed, it definitely freaks people out here,” she said.</p><p>“I’ve just got back from LA, so it doesn’t faze me,” David said.</p><p>“Nice! I’m from Austin, Texas but I love it here,” she said, “you seem familiar,” she told him.</p><p>He shrugged and looked away. He still wasn’t good at this. “Can't imagine why, must just have one of those faces,” he said.</p><p>Jamilah with her bat-like hearing marched over. “He’s my daddy! He’s very famous,” she told the girl.</p><p>“Oh! Oh! I know you!”</p><p>David felt himself going bright red. “Please don't,” he mumbled.</p><p>“Can I get a selfie? You’re David Schreibner-Florenzi, right? Oh my god, me and my girlfriend love your movies,” she told him, bouncing with excitement.</p><p>Even Alex had stopped browsing, smirking over at him in amusement.</p><p>“That’s great,” he said.</p><p>“Do a selfie daddy, be nice, don’t be embarrassed,” she said.</p><p>David couldn’t stop how red his face was going, but he let her take several pictures of the two of them. When Jamilah asked to be in them the girl understood when he said no. Jamilah didn’t, just huffed and pouted but didn’t argue, wandering off into the store instead.</p><p>“What's your name?” David asked when she finally put her phone away.</p><p>“Holly,” she said.</p><p>“Nice to meet you, Holly,” David said.</p><p>“Naomi, that’s my girlfriend, she’s going to be so jealous, she’s just going to die,” Holly said excitedly.</p><p>“Say hi from me,” David said.</p><p>“Oh I will don’t worry,” she said.</p><p>They both watched Jamilah wandering around the store, inspecting everything. “She’s really well behaved,” Holly said.</p><p>“She’s ok touching the fabrics and stuff? Her hands are clean,” he promised.</p><p>“It’s fine kids love fabric, I was the same at her age, all the different textures,” Holly assured him.</p><p>“My son Jake is the same, he would love this,” he said, picking out a very soft blanket and running his fingers over it.</p><p>“What does he like?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Space? Trains? Dinosaurs?”</p><p>“Purple unicorns or wait are those sunflowers?” he asked, pointing to some more blankets hanging by the wall.</p><p>“Yeah,” she said, getting them down for him.</p><p>They would be perfect for Jake. Pale blue and covered with bright yellow sunflowers. And it was so soft, knitted wool, like something nana would make him. “He loves sunflowers, we grew some in the garden earlier this year,” he told her.</p><p>“Hey, David can I-”</p><p>“Daddy come quick!” Jamilah came running up and grabbing his hand, “daddy please you have to see this. Can I get this? I need it,” she said, pulling him through to the back where a huge, grand dollhouse stood on display.</p><p>David had had a dollhouse when he was a kid. Shared it with Laura and got into many fights when parts got broken. By him. Because he was too rough.</p><p>This was nothing like the pink plastic thing his mother had gotten them though. Victorian style, white with a grey roof, three storeys with windows in the attic too. Fake marble pillars, a front balcony. It was beautiful. He could see Jamilah itching to touch but she hadn’t yet, so he very carefully reached out and unlatched the front of the house and opened it up.</p><p>“Oh wow daddy, I need this it’s so beautiful,” she whispered.</p><p>It really was, the tiny furniture, the antique wallpaper, the tiny lights. David wanted this himself, would have wanted it as a kid too. He would have been gentle with something like this. Even at a young age, he would have been able to tell the effort that went into making something like this.</p><p>“Wow,” Alex said as she approached.</p><p>“Can I have it please? Papa said I could get one, I need this one, please,” she insisted.</p><p>“No Jamilah-”</p><p>“But-”</p><p>“You don’t need it you want it, you know the difference, yes?” he asked, knowing full well he was probably walking out of there with a dollhouse.</p><p>She huffed and her lip wobbled but she wouldn’t kick off just because she didn’t get her own way. She might cry though and he didn’t want that. He crouched down. “I’m teasing you Jammy,” he said softly, “but there is a difference, you don’t need the dollhouse you just want it, do you understand the difference? We could walk out of here right now without it and you would be ok, you might be sad but you’d be ok,” he said.</p><p>She nodded, “but I want it so badly,” she whispered.</p><p>David looked up at Holly. “How much is it?” he asked.</p><p>“Four hundred and fifty euros,” she told him.</p><p>“Oh my god,” Alex mumbled.</p><p>“Jesus,” David muttered.</p><p>Now Jamillah was staring at him, eyes wide and hopeful. She had no idea how much money that was, not really. He couldn’t justify spending that much could he? Not on a toy. But then he watched Alex crouch down in front of the house, running her finger over the tiny furnishings reverently. In that moment she looked so young, all her walls down. David knew she’d never had anything like this.</p><p>She wouldn’t even ask he realised. She didn’t know she could.</p><p>David turned to Jamilah. “If I buy this. If. Will you let Alex play too?” he asked.</p><p>Jamilah watched Alex as she moved the little dolls around, smiling to herself as she played. She’d forgotten about them completely. Jamilah looked at him and nodded so seriously, understanding exactly what he was getting at. She went over to join Alex. Alex handed her a little doll and together they started to arrange them at the dinner table. Jamilah started giggling when Alex started putting on posh voices and acting out the parts. Encouraged she joined in. Apparently posh voices to them were just higher pitched versions of their normal voices.</p><p>“Are you buying it?” Holly asked.</p><p>“Guess so,” David said, straightening up.</p><p>“Really?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Yeah, but you will let everyone play,” David warned.</p><p>“Even Matty?” she asked.</p><p>“Ok not Matty, not yet. He’d eat the dolls but if when he's older he does, you let him, this is for all of you,” he said.</p><p>“Jakey will love this, he’ll love it the most, he’s always wanted a dollhouse,” she said.</p><p>“He has? Because you do?”</p><p>“No or… he doesn’t know he does but he does,” she said.</p><p>David just stared at her waiting to explain.</p><p>“He likes… making places… like buildings and cities and worlds. But then he likes playing the people too, when I saw Carmen’s dollhouse I knew he would want one. And I described it to him and he got so excited,” she said.</p><p>“So it’s for Jake?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah to help him make his stories,” she explained.</p><p>And now he definitely had to get it, that was the sweetest thing he’d heard.</p><p>“You’re a good sister,” Alex said.</p><p>“Thank you,” Jamilah said, flinging her arms around Alex.</p><p>“Jamilah ask,” he warned.</p><p>“Oh sorry-”</p><p>“It’s fine,” Alex said, holding her close.</p><p>“Did you choose some things, Alex?” David asked, remembering that they’d been interrupted.</p><p>She stood up and showed him what she’d chosen.</p><p>“Uh yeah, just some throws,” she said.</p><p>He looked at her selection, she’d chosen two. He frowned trying to see if she had anything else.</p><p>“Cushions?” he suggested.</p><p>“Er… it’s expensive, the blankets are forty euros each,” she said quietly, she obviously hadn't realised the price range of the shop just been excited that she could finally go in.</p><p>“They’re authentic,” Holly said.</p><p>David shrugged, he didn’t know about that but they were nice. She’d chosen a dark blue one and a red and orange one. Patterned and fun.</p><p>Jamilah started piling cushions on the counter for her.</p><p>“How about this lamp?” David asked it was a lighter blue, with an orange and green feather pattern. Very bold. But Alex was very bold, not in what she wore but what she liked. He grinned as Jamilah placed two matching tie-dye wall hangings next to the lamp.</p><p>“It’s eighty euros,” she hissed.</p><p>David shrugged.</p><p>“If I buy all this I won’t have enough money for clothes,” she said.</p><p>He realised she was close to tears.</p><p>“Alex, I’m about to spend nearly five hundred euros on a dollhouse for madam, you can get what you want,” he insisted.</p><p>She shook her head. She was about one minute away from walking out of there without anything.</p><p>“But you like them,” Jamilah said, “I saw you looking.”</p><p>“Alex,” he said gently, sitting down, he gestured and she sat beside him.</p><p>“I know it seems like a lot but remember by the time Jammy is your age she will have had years to collect stuff and make her room her own. Same with Jake and Matty. I’m so sorry that you've missed out on that, I'm so sorry you’ve come to us with so little but it means we’ve got to catch up a bit. You should have accumulated so much more by now. And I can tell you have this idea of a style that you want, you want so badly to decorate your room like your mum would’ve liked. And you should. This is just stuff but you want it and you can have it. Alex, you're allowed, you’re allowed to want things, we won’t take them from you. We won’t ever use it as things to hold against you, you won’t ever owe us ok? I know you probably don’t quite trust me yet, and that’s fine, but trust Matteo? He only has your best interests at heart, you know that?”</p><p>She nodded</p><p>“Get what you want, keep the money for the clothes, let me get this stuff.”</p><p>“I…”</p><p>“Whatever you want,” he promised.</p><p>She still didn’t move until Jamilah took her hand and led her around the store again, picking out various items. She seemed to take it better when Jamilah was choosing like it wasn’t for her. But he watched her point things out to Jamilah and together they selected more stuff.</p><p>“God I wish my dad was even a fraction as supportive of me,” Holly said wistfully.</p><p>“I’m sorry to hear that,” David said.</p><p>“No it’s fine I have a new family now, a better one, I’m never going back,” she insisted.</p><p>“I get that, but it’s perfectly ok if you're not fine about it you know? It took me a long time to realise that and be ok with it,” he told her.</p><p>“Thank you,” she said, her voice genuine.</p><p>She started to ring up all the items. “Do you want the dollhouse delivered?”</p><p>“I think that would be best, I've got to go home and explain this to my husband now,” he joked.</p><p>“Is he likely to tell you no?” she asked as she folded the blankets and throws, including the sunflower blanket for Jake.</p><p>David pretended to think about it. “Not at all, to be honest, I think I want it more than them, it’s beautiful,” he said.</p><p>“It’s antique, you’re very brave buying it for kids,” she said.</p><p>“They are so gentle with their stuff, they’ll be able to give this to their own kids,” David said.</p><p>“But which one?”</p><p>“Damn you're right we’ll have to keep it at our house for fairness,” he said, “anything else?” he called out.</p><p>Jamilah and Alex came back over with a colourful rug and a vase.</p><p>“It’s a lamp,” Alex said, putting it down on the counter. David had seen these, the bulb was inside and the holes in the vase would project thousands of tiny lights all over the room like starlight. “For er… leaving on at night. Can I put the other one on my desk?”</p><p>“Of course, your room is going to look amazing,” he promised.</p><p>They watched Holly bag everything up and then David paid for everything. He filled in his details so they could bring the dollhouse round in a couple of days.</p><p>“Enjoy,” Holly said, handing everything over to them.</p><p>Between them, Alex and David managed with the bags. Jamilah insisted she was helping by carrying Jake’s new blanket. What she was actually doing was rubbing it on her face like a weirdo. He’d seen Jake doing that sometimes. Both of them had picked it up from Matteo. His favourite weirdo.</p><p>They headed back to the car and put all the bags in the boot, Jamilah walked round to get in but he stopped her.</p><p>“We can walk, there’s this shop I'm thinking of. It’s just a few blocks down from the store we just went to. It’s the other direction from your school though,” David said, leading them to the little vintage store he and Matteo used to frequent.</p><p>It was still there although the style of clothes had changed over the years, fashion came and went. But it just seemed like the sort of thing she would like to wear, if she got the chance that was. He led them into the store and let them loose, waiting in the corner.</p><p>This was no longer his style, probably wouldn’t be able to pull it off. Matteo maybe, and only because of his hair and tattoos making him look cooler than he actually was.</p><p>“Daddy look,” Jamilah said, bringing over some colourful scarves.</p><p>“Amira says you’ve been asking questions, you want to start wearing these soon?” he asked.</p><p>“Am I allowed?”</p><p>“Of course,” he said, arranging the scarf on her head a little clumsily.</p><p>“Beautiful,” he whispered.</p><p>“My mum had such pretty ones, but I don’t know if I want to…”</p><p>“You don’t have to know yet, we have pictures if you wanted to look at your mum,” David offered.</p><p>“Maybe not... yet,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Hijab?” Alex asked, coming over.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Hold on,” Alex said, folding her selection of clothes over her arm and then fiddling with the scarf, tidying it and tucking it over her ears. Correcting David’s clumsy attempt. “But you can pin it back a little if you want to wear earrings,” she said.</p><p>“I don’t have my ears pierced,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“I can pierce them,” Alex offered.</p><p>“No you can't,” David said.</p><p>“Please,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“No. But if you want them pierced we can get them done properly,” he offered.</p><p>“Can I get just one like papa?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“If you like,” David said.</p><p>“No actually can I have lots like Alex but all on one side?” she asked.</p><p>“You can get a maximum of one per ear, then if you like it and you take care and keep it clean you can maybe have more,” David said.</p><p>“So boring,” she said, “ok I want one in each ear for now, can Jake get them too?” she asked.</p><p>“He’s a little young don’t you think?” David asked.</p><p>“He is a baby,” Jamilah agreed, “when he’s older then.”</p><p>He turned to Alex. “What are you getting?” he asked, observing the clothes she had over her arm.</p><p>Alex showed him a couple of heavy green shirts. A patchwork jacket, two colourful printed silk shirts, another jacket like the black one he’d given her but in dark green, and a long indigo skirt.</p><p>“Nice, is that all you want?” he asked, she’d selected more than he expected but it still wasn’t going to fill a wardrobe.</p><p>“Er…”</p><p>“Something else takes your fancy?”</p><p>She handed him the clothes and disappeared into the shop and came back with a dress, long, black and gold, half sleeves, pinched in at the waist, very glamourous. From what he knew about dresses and ball gowns he thought it looked expensive.</p><p>“It’s so pretty,” Jamilah whispered.</p><p>“I won’t even wear it,” Alex muttered but she very clearly wanted it.</p><p>“For Abiball?” David guessed.</p><p>“Yeah I mean I might not go,” she said.</p><p>“It’s nice though, you’d look great in it,” he assured her.</p><p>He doubted she’d had much occasion to dress up like this, so of course, she felt self-conscious. She just needed the encouragement.</p><p>Jamilah walked off into the store.</p><p>“I like it because it’s pretty but kind of severe,” Alex said.</p><p>“Yeah I see it, you’d be all dressed up but still very much no-nonsense, which suits your style,” David said.</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>Jamilah came back and handed over some long black gloves. “Here,” she said.</p><p>Apparently, his daughter was a fashionista.</p><p>“Oh! These are perfect,” Alex said, slipping them on and wiggling her fingers.</p><p>“Do you want to try it on properly? We have time,” he assured her.</p><p>“Ok,” she said excited, in that moment she looked like any other teenage girl choosing her Abiball outfit.</p><p>She disappeared into the fitting room.</p><p>“I like my scarves,” Jamilah told him.</p><p>“Want any clothes?”</p><p>She shook her head and leant against him. “Alex is really cool,” she whispered, “do you think she changes her hair colours?”</p><p>“Yes I think so,” David said.</p><p>“She’s so cool,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“A cool big sister?” David asked.</p><p>“Yeah exactly,” Jamilah agreed.</p><p>“How do you feel about not being the oldest?” David asked.</p><p>“Alex said I can still be the bossiest so…”</p><p>“So nothing changes there?”</p><p>“No. Alex seems angry but really she’s a bit sad. And I think maybe she’s actually just really like… not calm… cool no…”</p><p>“Chill? Laidback?”</p><p>He could see that that was how Alex wanted to be if she got the chance.</p><p>“Yeah chill,” she agreed, “hopefully she can be chill all the time,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“That’s a nice a thought, isn't it? Oh, look!”</p><p>Alex walked out of the dressing room in her dress looking stunning and so elegant.</p><p>“Oh Alex you look so lovely, you're so beautiful, my beautiful big sister,” Jamilah exclaimed.</p><p>She held out her hands and Alex twirled her around, dancing with her until they were both giddy.</p><p>“We’ll get the dress,” David said.</p><p>Alex nodded, looking half like she wanted to argue but her want for the dress won out. He took the other items over to the counter and told the shop assistant to ring them up, plus the dress and the scarf Jamilah was still wearing.</p><p>She was waiting outside the fitting room, chattering away to Alex. By the time they returned with the dress David had already paid for everything. She could use the money they’d given her to get regular everyday clothes, concert tickets, photography or school supplies that sort of thing.</p><p>He handed the bags over to Alex who took them with a small smile. Overwhelmed by everything but happy. He took Jamilah's hand and walked close to Alex she didn’t seem to mind, never stepped away.</p><p>They headed back to the car. “So…”</p><p>“So?”</p><p>“I’m having fun, shall we go get lunch?” Alex suggested.</p><p>He wasn’t expecting that. He'd thought she'd be done with this for now. He certainly was. “Oh er… do you want to?” David asked, trying his hardest to feign his enthusiasm.</p><p>It was good, good that she felt so comfortable and wanted to spend time with them. It was wonderful really. Matteo would be so annoyed at him if he said no. But he really wanted to. What a terrible parent he was.</p><p>She started laughing at him, light and carefree. He had no idea what expression he wore but clearly, it was amusing. "Nope, restaurants are for snobs, let's go home and make Matteo cook for us," she suggested wickedly.</p><p>And he knew then this was Alex. She was smart and funny, rude and sarcastic. But most of all she was loud, she was confident. Or would be if they worked at it. And they would.</p><p>"That sounds way better," David said.</p><p>"Your face though, you looked crushed when I suggested that," she said, still grinning.</p><p>"He’s fed up, he just wants to go home and kiss papa," Jamilah said.</p><p>Alex and Jamilah started making kissing sounds as they walked back to the car. David rolled his eyes.</p><p>"Going home to kiss papa,” Jamilah sang as they walked along.</p><p>If she thought he would be embarrassed by that she clearly didn't know him as well as she thought. "Gonna go home and kiss your papa all night," he sang back at her.</p><p>Jamilah just giggled.</p><p>"You are so gross," Alex muttered but she grinning to herself, trying and failing to hide it.</p><p>"There's nothing wrong with kissing," he said.</p><p>"Daddy and papa kiss all the time they never stop. Sometimes me and Jake are starving and they are too busy kissing to feed us," Jamilah said.</p><p>David snorted at that, what a drama queen she was. "That has absolutely never happened. If anything sometimes I'm trying to kiss Matteo and I can’t because you two keep interrupting us," he countered, getting Jamilah into the car.</p><p>Alex burst out laughing at that as she got into the car. "Well I think they say having kids is bad for your sex life," she said.</p><p>"Hush you," David said as he started the car.</p><p>"What does she mean?" Jamilah asked.</p><p>"Nothing," David said.</p><p>"Grown-up stuff?"</p><p>"Yep."</p><p>"Lame."</p><p>"Super lame you’re absolutely right," he said.</p><p>"That sounds like the biggest lie I ever heard," Alex teased</p><p>"You’re not wrong," he said, "happy with your haul?" he asked her.</p><p>"Yes thank you," she said, smiling to herself.</p><p>"So I think we have a few options, we should sit down and have a proper chat but moneywise do you want an allowance? The twins don’t get one yet, because they don’t really need anything but obviously you need school stuff, clothes, train tickets, what else? Data for your phone? Man, I can’t even remember what I spent money on at seventeen," he said.</p><p>All he remembered was that he didn't have much.</p><p>"Booze and drugs?" she asked.</p><p>"Not at seventeen no, I had no friends at seventeen, eighteen, however, booze and drugs yes. Matteo was a terrible influence on me," he said.</p><p>"Matteo was a bad influence on you?" she asked.</p><p>Why did everyone always think it was the other way around? He'd been a perfect quiet student, didn't hardly drink, never smoked until he met Matteo. "Yep, I was a good boy before I met him."</p><p>"No," she said, staring at him like he'd gone mad.</p><p>"He was a total stoner," David said.</p><p>"Oh actually yeah I can see that," she agreed.</p><p>"Except he wasn't, not really he was self-medicating for a whole host of things no one was helping him with. He was in pain and needed an escape. It wasn't recreational he was trying to shut down, that's how it was when I met him. He has better coping mechanisms now," he said.</p><p>"Ok," she said.</p><p>"But I think some booze, trips, nothing extravagant, rent once I was nineteen I dunno, let's talk about it properly. Matteo thinks an allowance would be good because you probably won’t feel comfortable asking, and that's a good idea. He got an allowance from his dad when he was eighteen. With Jamilah and Jake, when they're a little older we’ll give them an allowance because that way they’ll learn the value of money," he said.</p><p>"And not drop half a grand on a dollhouse?" she asked.</p><p>"Exactly but I feel like you're already aware of money, having had so little, what do you want to do?" he asked.</p><p>She needed a choice in this. "I… I don’t want to rely on you… it’s too late," she said.</p><p>"I get where you're coming from but I don’t want you working while you’re at school. It’s too much stress, school I mean, working is fine but not with abi, not when you don't have to."</p><p>"Yeah," she said.</p><p>"We are legally obliged to take care of you. Like Matteo said this morning we’ll get an allowance from the state to do so, we could just give you that, it’s yours after all, or we could help you manage it," he said. “But really we just want to, we want to care for you.”</p><p>"You're rich aren't you? Do you even remember what it's like?" she asked.</p><p>"Yes, I promise you I remember, it's only been the last maybe ten years that things really took off. That I actually started earning the big money. And for the first five of those years, we spent almost nothing, we were both afraid it was all going to be taken away. And we didn't need anything, you've met Matteo you really think he'd let me spoil him without an argument? No, it wasn't until Jamilah came along that I had someone to spoil," he said.</p><p>Jamilah giggled. "Not spoiled," she said.</p><p>"No but I do spoil you," he said. "I bought her a house," he told Alex.</p><p>"She has a house?" Alex asked.</p><p>"No our house, we bought it for her, so she had a home. She moved in with us into a one-bedroom in the city. So we bought the house out by the good schools, near the parks where she could learn to ride a bike," he explained.</p><p>"Wow," she said.</p><p>"Then I bought Matteo his kitchen, just like his grandma's one in Tuscany, and then I flew her out first class to see it and Matteo says since then I've been an insufferable snob," he said, "but yeah that's pretty much how the high life started for us. But it's not really, we bought a house, not a mansion and it was old and falling down when we did. We've done it up and made it home but the garden needs work and we haven't touched the cellar yet," he said.</p><p>"Being a fancy film director brings in good money I guess," she said.</p><p>"Yes it does now but Matteo supported me through all that, he had a steady job working for social services, he paid bills, rent everything while I worked on films for almost nothing, and now I'm doing well I finally get to take care of everyone, all of you," he said.</p><p>"It’s important to you? Taking care of us?"</p><p>"Yes the most important thing, to both of us," he said, pulling the car into the drive.</p><p>"Ok."</p><p>"Ok?"</p><p>“No it’s good,” Alex said.</p><p>“Try and trust that,” David said.</p><p>She nodded and got out of the car, going round to the boot. David got out and opened the door for Jamilah, she climbed down and grabbed the blanket for Jake.</p><p>“Can I?”</p><p>“Hold on a second,” he said, grabbing a couple of the bags. “Do you want to take all this up to your room? And can you let Jamilah and Jake help you decorate? They can show you the attic, you can try and find the fairy lights,” David suggested, he led them to the door and unlocked it, handing the car keys to Alex so they could get the rest of the bags from the car.</p><p>“The attic is really cool Alex, we’re going to turn it into a playroom, papa says we can. We can put the dollhouse up there,” she said, excitedly.</p><p>“Don’t worry it’s all boarded and there are lights. You can walk around up there just mind your head, you’re so tall,” he said. “But I think there’s a lot of stuff you might like, stuff like your mum’s style,” he suggested, based on what she’d told him so far.</p><p>“Ok that sounds cool,” she said.</p><p>He opened the door and let them in. “Great, so you can all go upstairs for a bit?” he asked.</p><p>“Oh, I see you want us all out of the way for kissing huh?” Alex joked.</p><p>Jake came running out of the living room and rushed towards them as soon as he reached them Jamilah wrapped him in his new blanket. He immediately pulled it over his face and bounced up and down on the balls of his feet. Jamilah giggled.</p><p>“Actually I want to have a quick chat with Matteo, I thought of something in the car and I want to talk to him,” he said.</p><p>“Talk or fight?”</p><p>“Argue with him until he accepts something,” David said.</p><p>Jake pulled the blanket from his face. “Hey daddy!” he said.</p><p>“Hey Jakey, do you like it?”</p><p>“I love sunflowers, thank you,”</p><p>“Papa ok?”</p><p>Jake shrugged. “Quiet. Me and Matty are building a castle, come see? We’re using the fat lego, papa said Matty can’t use proper lego yet,” he said.</p><p>Jamilah and Alex headed upstairs with the first lot of bags. Jake led him to the living room where Matty was trying to eat the Duplo blocks. They’d made a good start on the base of a castle, build over intersecting rail tracks that went all the way through the middle of whatever kingdom Jake’s imagination was conjuring up.</p><p>David carefully made his way across the room. He guessed they’d lost the living room for a while. He didn’t mind but a playroom was a good idea. Stepping on lego was not fun. “It’s amazing Jake,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah!”</p><p>He looked over at Matteo laying on the sofa, he hadn’t looked up when David had entered the room. His eyes were slightly unfocused but he watching was watching Matty like it was taking all his energy, every few seconds his eyes tracked over to Jake then back to Matty. After a moment he realised David was there and closed his eyes.</p><p>“Did you have fun shopping?” Jake asked.</p><p>“We did, we got lots of stuff, do you want to help Alex do her room? Her and Jammy are going up to the attic to find all the cool stuff from our old apartment,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jake said quietly.</p><p>“Don’t worry I’ll hold your hand,” Jammy said sticking it out.</p><p>Jake grabbed it and held tight. He looked at Alex. “And you’ll be there the whole time?” he asked her.</p><p>“Promise,” she said gently, “I don’t like the dark either,” she added, crouching down and picking up Matty.</p><p>They all left together, Jamilah leading the way. David went over to the couch and crouched down in front of Matteo, stroking his face until he opened his eyes.</p><p>“Are you going to have a go at me?” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“No,” David said gently.</p><p>“Why’d you send them all away then?” he asked.</p><p>“Can’t I spend five minutes with you? They’ve got tons to do. They’re gonna do some decorating and stuff,” David said, running a hand through Matteo’s hair, it was slightly greasy and a bit tangled where it was sticking to his forehead. David swept it back out of his face and kissed his forehead. Then the tip of his nose. Then his lips. They were warm and dry.</p><p>“Not much company,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>David pulled back and stood up. He turned Matteo over so he was laying on his back then climbed on top of him, weighing him down and pressing him into the sofa. “You’re my favourite company,” he said.</p><p>Matteo shrugged. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Always. What’s going on in that head of yours Matteo?” David asked, laying his head on his chest and looking up at him. Reaching out to rub his thumb over his cheeks.</p><p>Matteo smiled slightly at the touch and his eyes closed again.</p><p>“Not much,” he said.</p><p>“That’s never true, talk to me?”</p><p>“Just feel like shit, it’s stupid,” he muttered.</p><p>David squeezed him tight until he sighed.</p><p>“Mm?”</p><p>“I shouldn’t feel like this, I should be happy,” he said.</p><p>“You shouldn’t be anything, Matteo last night you had a breakdown, of course, you feel like shit today, you’re just exhausted,” David said gently, shuffling up Matteo so he could press their foreheads together.</p><p>“I’m so glad you’re back, I am,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“I know,” David said.</p><p>“I am, David, I am… I am,” Matteo insisted, opening his eyes, staring at him, starting to panic.</p><p>“I know Matteo, I promise, I know,” he promised, holding his face gently.</p><p>He needed to keep him calm. But it was too late, it was as if Matteo had suddenly woken up. He grabbed David’s arms and held tight.</p><p>“David!” he gasped, “David I can’t do that again, please you can’t, David!”</p><p>“I’m not going anywhere Matteo,” he said.</p><p>“You can’t, I’m sorry I can’t do this again, please David I need you to stay,” he said, trying to keep his breathing under control.</p><p>“I’m staying Matteo, I’m staying,” David promised, squeezing him tighter, pressing his fingers into his ribs until he could feel his chest expanding and contracting. “Deeper,” he whispered, “take deeper breaths,” he said.</p><p>Matteo complied and slowly he started to relax.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I know I’m being selfish. I know I’m being stupid. It wasn’t even that bad but I just… can’t David, I can’t, I can’t. I need you here, I’m so fucking tired. You said you’d be back you said three months and I just…” he trailed off.</p><p>David wiped away his tears.</p><p>“Hush now, you’re not being stupid and I’m not going anywhere,” David promised.</p><p>“I am, I know I am, plenty of parents manage just fine on their own I’m just being pathetic,” Matteo said.</p><p>“But you did manage Matteo, you’ve managed all this time, and so well. You’ve done so well, right up until the moment you didn’t need to anymore, let me take over for a while and you just focus on getting your head back on track. And it's not pathetic. Yes, people do this alone but it’s usually because either they have no choice or it’s the choice they’ve made. This is neither of those things. We don’t do this alone because we don’t have to. And Matteo I don’t want to be away from you, but I also don’t want to be away from them,” he said, glancing at the ceiling. There was a lot of bumping up there but no yelling yet.</p><p>“It was so hard,” Matteo said.</p><p>David kissed his wet cheeks. “You’re not holding me back, you know that right?”</p><p>“It’s just-”</p><p>“I don’t want to be anywhere else,” David insisted.</p><p>“But you could do so much more,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Like what?”</p><p>Matteo shrugged. “I dunno,” he said.</p><p>“I’ve done so much, Matteo we’ve lived all over the world. I’ve made so many beautiful movies and shows. But my dream is so much more, this is my dream, here with you and my family. That’s my dream. You were amazing at work remember? But this, being here is where you want to be right?”</p><p>“Right but-”</p><p>“It’s the same for me,” David said.</p><p>“But… are you quitting?”</p><p>“Not quitting but I think I want to be here more. After Madrid, I’m probably going to be sticking to the real local stuff. Or literally down to one or two projects a year. Until the kids are grown at least,” David said.</p><p>“Oh, why?”</p><p>“Kinda tired to be honest. This has tired me out too,” he told him.</p><p>“Shit I-”</p><p>“Not nearly on the same level as you but I am tired I think if I’d stayed there longer I would have become ill,” he said.</p><p>“I’ll look after you,” Matteo said.</p><p>“You always do but I was talking to Alex in the car,” David said.</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“I was telling her how much you’ve done for me over the years,” he said.</p><p>“No, I-”</p><p>“Yes, damn Matteo do you have any idea? You’ve always been there, you know you’re the sole reason for my success?”</p><p>“No,” he said.</p><p>“You are,” David insisted.</p><p>“David you are the most talented man I know, the reason for your success is you,” Matteo argued.</p><p>“And that’s why you’re the reason, your unwavering faith in me. I wish you’d believe me but I need you to believe me when I tell you right here is where I want to be,” David said.</p><p>“I… can’t right now, my brain’s a tired mess but… usually yeah… I’ll believe you,” he said.</p><p>“This is where I'm supposed to be right here, with you and those monsters,” he said.</p><p>They both looked up at the ceiling, it was suspiciously quiet which meant they’d probably be down in a few minutes. There was no way they’d all just fallen asleep simultaneously. Unless they’d gotten locked in the attic. Well, Alex had her phone so he was sure she’d ring if the were stuck.</p><p>“How was shopping?” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“Pretty good,” David said.</p><p>“Break the bank?”</p><p>David grinned. “Spent half a grand on a dollhouse,” he said.</p><p>“Funny,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>David shrugged. Matteo sat up then, peering at him. Eyes finally open properly. David shifted so he could stay in Matteo’s lap.</p><p>“You’re not joking,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Not joking,” David said, smiling innocently at him.</p><p>“David,” Matteo said, exasperated.</p><p>“It’s for all of them,” David said.</p><p>“All of them? Or you?”</p><p>“It’s beautiful this thing you should see it, I took a picture, I’ll show you later but I’m not moving,” he said, pressing closer to Matteo.</p><p>“I’ve missed you and your complete lack of self-control around the kids, buying them ridiculously extravagant gifts,” Matteo said, but he wasn’t annoyed just fond. He pressed several kisses to David’s lips which weren’t exactly the best way to discourage him.</p><p>“Is it spoiling them?” David asked.</p><p>“Nah they are so kind and so caring, if you hadn't bought it, that would’ve been fine. She wouldn’t have kicked off or anything, spoilt kids would. She would have pouted a lot mind so you’d probably have ended up going back,” Matteo said.</p><p>“They are so kind aren't they?” David said.</p><p>“God they are just the sweetest, Alex has changed completely in a week just from being around them, she trusts them and loves them,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yeah of course, and they absolutely love her,” David agreed.</p><p>“It was the right decision,” Matteo said, sounding confident for the first time that day.</p><p>“Absolutely,” David said.</p><p>“Think we’re complete?”</p><p>“I think so, we're good I reckon,” David said.</p><p>There was the sound like several small elephants running down the stairs then Jake and Jamilah burst into the room. Alex trailing after them with Matty. She sat down in what seemed to be her chair, attention mostly focussed on Matty who was playing with her braids.</p><p>“Did you fight?” Jamilah asked, climbing up onto the sofa with them.</p><p>“No sweetheart,” David said, pulling Jake up.</p><p>“Daddy just bullied me,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Did not,” David said.</p><p>“Is… everything ok?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Yep just had to hammer home some points,” David assured her.</p><p>“About?”</p><p>“The fact that LA really was a one-off, that I’m not leaving again, that nothing and no one is holding me back from anything. That I am perfectly happy with the success I have and that nothing is more important to me than the five of you, I love to make movies, I've loved working on every single one I've done, the last one included but without all of you I couldn’t,” he said.</p><p>“How do you mean?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Well, I guess what I'm saying is I'm pretty sure I wouldn’t be half as successful as I am if I didn’t have you lot to come home to, if I didn’t have my best cheerleader here throughout,” David said.</p><p>“It’s not me, you were so smart and artistic before you even met me, you knew exactly what you wanted and you achieved it, it has nothing to do with me,” Matteo said, fiddling with the beads on Jamilah’s new scarf instead of looking at any of them.</p><p>David turned to Alex. “He really has no idea you know? No matter how much I tell him,” he said.</p><p>“Explain it to me?”</p><p>“Maybe… it’s like this. I’ve known I wanted to make films since I was six, I loved the way watching them made me feel, and I wanted to do that. As I got older I knew I wanted to make films with guys like me, characters I could relate to because there was so little representation at the time. But… I also wanted to hide?” he explained.</p><p>“You wanted to make characters like yourself but you didn’t want others to know they were like you?”</p><p>“Exactly that,” he said.</p><p>“Meeting Matteo changed that?”</p><p>“No,” Matteo scoffed.</p><p>“No,” David said more gently, “meeting Matteo changed me.”</p><p>“No it didn’t,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“It did, so slowly it was barely noticeable to me, to Matteo either. But to Laura, my sister it was obvious. I was so angry all the time when I was younger, and there’s nothing wrong with that but because I was trying so hard to stay under the radar I couldn’t express that anger, couldn't right those wrongs, so I just bottled it up. Got used to not defending myself,” he explained.</p><p>He remembered the few times he had, at school, being hauled into the office with his parents to be disciplined. Because he was the difficult one. He was trouble. He was choosing to do that to himself and if kids were to bully him then he’d brought it on himself. His parents had agreed with his teachers.</p><p>It was horrifying, he’d always thought it was shit but since becoming a parent it absolutely disgusted him, the idea that something so fundamental about him could turn them against their own child. That first year Jamilah had come to them he had loved her immediately, nothing about her could ever make him react that way. He stopped talking to them, couldn’t face them. Didn’t want them anywhere near any of them. It had taken some healing but they were doing better now.</p><p>“So how does Matteo come into this?” Alex asked</p><p>“He made me feel brave. Nothing changed. I didn’t suddenly start speaking up for trans rights or anything? I think the biggest thing I did was go to pride that year with Matteo and it was fun and all but I still never felt that comfortable. I was at film school for a whole year before I even joined the LGBTQ society, because I was always just like, this isn’t my scene… but then for my second year I had this project, it was supposed to be about someone important to you-”</p><p>“You chose papa?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“Did he refuse?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Of course,” Matteo said.</p><p>“But he did it anyway and it became this whole thing, it was like ten minutes tops but it was just all about mental health, and being gay and having a difficult childhood and how all of that tied together but that he was ok? And it was raw and so brave that he talked about stuff so personal to him and that he let me share it and everyone loved it everyone cried-”</p><p>“People in that class cried over lighting,” Matteo pointed out.</p><p>“Not the point, it was so emotional, I can remember word for word what you said. For one of the scenes you took me to your house, where you grew up, and we sat in the garden. It was beautiful, you just sat there under this tree surrounded by green. And you talked about your scariest memory. This time your parents had a screaming match and your dad stormed out. He ignored your pleas to stay just shoved you aside and left. It was the first time your mum looked right through you, the first time you worried that maybe it was you, that you might not be real and how you’ve been trying to convince yourself ever since that you were.</p><p>“And you said when you met me it was the first time you felt someone had truly seen you. That by this point you’d stopped showing everyone yourself, stopped asking for help because it never came and it hurt every time you showed your heart and it was ignored. But I came along and I talked to you, I wanted to know you and I listened when you spoke. And so you talked, those what three or four times we spent hanging out you said you’d spoken more than you had in the past year. About nothing and everything but I listened. I was interested. I was hooked. And it amazed you that for some reason I’d stayed. And that was exactly how I felt, he put it into words exactly what I was feeling. That you saw me from the start. I couldn't share like you did at first, but I wanted to. And once I was out I think I pretty much told you everything I could.”</p><p>Jamilah climbed over Matteo to him and sat down on his knee, reaching out to squeeze his face. She did that to be funny but also when she thought they were upset. He just blew her a kiss. All four of them were completely squashed together on the one couch. He was still pretty much sitting on top of Matteo and the kids were on top of both of them. Still, David didn’t want to move. They weren’t heavy and Matteo liked being squashed so he wasn’t going to complain.</p><p>“After that, I don’t know… I wanted to be brave,” he said.</p><p>“You were brave,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I wanted to be brave like how Matteo saw me,” he clarified, “because I didn’t feel like that at the time. I wanted to make clever movies, I wanted to make movies that made people think. And I thought why couldn’t I do that with characters I wanted, characters like me. I wanted to make a movie that was just as raw, that showed Matteo how I felt, that showed him me.”</p><p>“Did you?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Yeah, that was <em>Try Harder</em>.”</p><p>“I’ve seen that,” Alex said, “it’s about you?”</p><p>“Yeah and I know it was popular and I never expected it to be as big as it ended up. It wasn’t that big at first, released quietly it only really picked up a few years after, when I started to get more recognised. But I made it for Matteo no one else, the way he’ll see it is different to anyone else,” David said.</p><p>“It’s my favourite, I loved it from the start, not like everyone else,” Matteo said.</p><p>He always said that, that everyone else was jumping on <em>Try Harder</em> after he’d made a few more successful movies. That they’d been blind to miss it at the time. David always had to remind him that the release was so small he wouldn’t have seen it if it hadn’t been for him.</p><p>“Nothing I can make compares,” he said.</p><p>Matteo sat up properly so he could speak, forcing David off him and onto the couch but then shifting so they were still sitting close. “No, it’s not that it’s… we never had secrets since the day you came out to me, we had privacy and space but not secrets, there is a difference. I never needed to know everything about you, I understood that your childhood was painful. I got that and I trusted you to tell me what I needed to know. But I shared everything because it helped me to talk about it, it wasn’t like that for you, didn’t come easily.</p><p>“The movie, I think to everyone else who watched it, it was this amazing movie about a trans kid who makes it, beats the odds, gets away from a difficult life survives all of that. I get exactly why it’s so important to the community and why when your career took off that still became your most popular film because you are living proof that it gets better. And I also get that it was such a good way of showing your message to those outside of the community. But to me? Because I knew you, I knew the stories you managed to whisper to me at night so I couldn’t see you cry, I knew exactly what you were showing me. So to me, it was different. To me you were showing me your soul, all the stuff you couldn’t talk about, the experiences you just couldn’t explain it was all there for me to see,” he said.</p><p>David just kissed him, what else could he do? “Matteo cried for like three hours when I showed him,” he told Alex.</p><p>“I cried for days, every time I thought about it I had to calm down,” he said.</p><p>“Did you like it?” Jamilah asked Alex.</p><p>“Yes, it’s my friend Nida’s favourite movie,” she told them.</p><p>“Even though it's old?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yeah it’s like a classic,” Alex said.</p><p>Matteo started laughing. “A classic! David, you hear that? Your movies are classics!”</p><p>Well, his mood was certainly on the up. It would be up and down for a while but it would pass it always did. For now, David was just going to appreciate this happy, laughing Matteo. Jamilah jumped down to the floor knowing what was about to happen. David shoved Matteo until he was laid back down and then climbed over him. Squishing Jake who squealed and wriggled free joining his sister on the floor.</p><p>“Is it not your favourite movie?” Jamilah asked Alex.</p><p>“Er… I don’t even have a favourite movie but to Nida, it’s really important to her and-”</p><p>“Is she trans?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>It was the obvious question to her.</p><p>“You can’t ask that Jammy,” David said gently.</p><p>“She’s not though but I know that’s the main message of the movie but what it helped her realise was that her parents weren’t always right. That she’s allowed to make her own choices and while that can sometimes seem impossible one day that will be ok. It’s not, not yet but one day she will get out of there,” Alex said.</p><p>Matteo frowned and cut him off before he could say anything. “Jammy I need to do laundry today,” he said.</p><p>David stared at him about to ask what was going on.</p><p>“Oh Papa you promised we could wash my Peter Pan costume you absolutely promised!” she said.</p><p>“Ok do you want to go get it, but I need all the laundry, Jake can you help?”</p><p>“Yes!”</p><p>“Can you bring it into the hallway and sort it by colours?”</p><p>“I can, I’m good at sorting,” Jake said, running off.</p><p>“No! I’m good a sorting too!” Jamilah followed him.</p><p>“Sorry,” Matteo said, “I wanted to say that it’s so important, that’s such a huge problem we have with overcontrolling parents and kids who think what is happening to them isn’t abuse because they’re not being hit or their parents don’t get physical,” Matteo said. “I do not want to talk about children being hit with them in the room,” he added for Alex’s benefit. “If you don’t want to talk about you will tell me, they won’t, they’ll listen and then they’ll have nightmares.”</p><p>“Ok, that makes sense. I can talk about it as long as it’s not about me. But for Nida seeing that on the screen and not showing you reconciling with them, with them suddenly magically being ok with you and you surviving anyway, that made her realise it would be ok. Because it showed her that she didn’t need them for her happy ending. Because you’re ok, you’ve done so well and you’re happy. She doesn’t ever want to forgive them,” she said.</p><p>“I did reconcile with them in the end but I will never forget. What they did to me was abuse. Hell, I didn’t even realise it until Matteo told me. I knew they were shitty but by denying my transition, by refusing to call me my name, by throwing away stuff I’d bought myself or Laura had bought for me, by making me go outside in clothes that made me feel physically ill, clothes that made me want to die, they were abusing me,” David said.</p><p>“When did you realise?”</p><p>“I was testing Matteo, he was studying it for school, child psychology, and so much applied to me that I had to stop,” David said.</p><p>He remembered just putting down the textbook and walking out of the apartment. He didn’t get far, Matteo found him in the stairwell having one of the worst panic attacks of his life.</p><p>“I thought you knew, I wouldn’t have asked for your help otherwise,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I know. I still don’t know where you found the strength to learn all that, after everything you went through it was so much worse for you,” David said.</p><p>“It wasn’t a competition,” Matteo reminded him, “we all have different ways of coping, when it was happening to me I was blocking it out. I was switching off and letting it happen. When I got out and moved in with Hans I ignored it for as long as I could but I needed to deal with it, understand it and know how it was going to affect me in the future. For you you were active in it, you fought back the entire time and you got free. Yeah there was probably more you could've done to deal with it but you got free and you were able to put it to rest. But you make movies about it, you write and you draw and you talk to me, you have your ways and I have mine.”</p><p>“I’m glad I could help your friend,” David said, “it’s why I shared it, to help others. But I made it for Matteo and when it was done and people saw it and they loved it I just realised I could. Yeah, the audience was small but I’d rather a small audience who truly appreciated it for what it was. I saw that I really could make movies like that and they were good and people wanted to see it and that’s why I've gotten to where I have today,” he said.</p><p>“Bullshit,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Come on,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Matteo the reason <em>Try Harder</em> did so well was because I put my heart into it, I put my whole self into that movie, I could never have done that if it wasn’t for you, ok? And everything since has been because of that. Because you supported me, both in your cheerleading but also you literally supported me when I was working for nothing just to chase my dream. You worked every hour you could so that I could do what I loved. Do you remember that? Do you even understand how much you’ve done for me because you never stop to think about it, you just give everything you can to me, to the kids, it comes so naturally to you that sometimes I think maybe I should remind you just how much of yourself you give away for others. Matteo, you are absolutely the best person I know and I swear I would never have made it this far without you so please will you just believe me?”</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo mumbled, he turned as best as he could with David still on top of him and hid his face against the back of the couch.</p><p>It was incredibly overwhelming to be seen. He’d felt that a million times over the years and it still hit just as hard every time Matteo made the odd comment here or there.</p><p>“I love you, Matteo,” David whispered.</p><p>“I love you too.”</p><p>The moment was ruined by Alex making vomiting sounds where she sat but when he looked over at her she had a fond smile on her face, no matter how hard she tried to hide it. David just smiled back at her then watched as the twins ran in and tried to drag Matteo away to do the laundry. He’d walked into that one really.</p><p>He watched them bicker and closed his eyes, just let himself be surrounded by all that noise, all that happiness. His life had been oppressively quiet these past few months, nothing could fill the void that his family left. The shouting, the laughter, the kisses and cuddles, all the mess, he couldn’t walk away from all that again. He was home, exactly where he needed to be, exactly where he was staying.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So David is finally home! Next week is time for Matteo to heal and recover, just in time for assessments with Sandra and a certain nana Florenzi will be making an appearance.</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com">theo (@youmustbestrongernow)</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. here, beneath my lungs, i feel your thumbs press into my skin again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Matteo should've been ok, shouldn't he? David was home, the kids were happy, everything should be getting back to normal. But it wasn't that simple, this was no longer just about David being away, it was about him and his recovery. He needed to stop pushing himself, needed to take the time to heal. He needed to rest and let David take care of him like he was desperately trying to do.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just a quick warning Alex has her assessment with Sandra in this one, just a chat to see how she's settling but she will talk about her past in care and it's a little upsetting. Nothing graphic, just her talking about her fears. Again she's quickly reassured that she's safe.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After a quiet couple of days, Matteo felt almost back to normal, was mostly feeling ok. Everything still felt a bit fragile. His breakdown at the airport and then again in the kitchen had wiped him out. Left him too tired to do much of anything except let David take care of him, which he did willingly and eagerly. </p>
<p>He was still tired, completely exhausted, but then so was David. Their sleep was a bit messy but settling slowly as they got back into their rhythm. He was certainly happy, despite his quiet exhaustion and vulnerability he’d been on cloud nine since stepping into David’s arms at the airport and nothing could bring him down from that. All he needed was a bit of time to get back to how things were.</p>
<p>Right now it was late afternoon, the kids were home from school and everyone was with him in the living room. Jake and Matty were playing with the wooden train set because they were bigger and Matty couldn’t eat them. Matty was sat in the middle of the floor while Jake placed the tracks around him.</p>
<p>Jamilah was in the corner writing stories with David, both of them spread out across the floor, pens, pencils, and paper everywhere as she chattered away.</p>
<p>Alex was in her chair, the one she’d claimed as her own. She was on her new laptop, but only half focused. Matteo thought she might be doing homework but she could just as easily be mucking about online. She had headphones on but she wasn’t ignoring them, every now and then she chipped into Jamilah’s story which had led to several arguments already. Those two already bickered constantly, it was becoming their thing, Alex always disagreeing with her just to tease her. But it was always fun, always fond, Alex seemed to know exactly when to stop pushing and relent, never let it get to the point where Jamilah got too wound up.</p>
<p>But the important thing was that she was down here with them instead of up in her room. It hadn’t even taken a week. Every day since the Monday she’d arrived Matteo had offered for her to come and join them in the living room in the afternoons. Tuesday she’d said no. She went grocery shopping with him in the morning but that was enough, she hid away the rest of the day. He’d just let her, he understood just how overwhelming it was for her.</p>
<p>On Wednesday, he’d given her space, when she’d declined a lift to school, he’d made sure she got there ok on the bus. When she’d gotten back she’d gone straight upstairs. She took dinner up to her room like he’d promised she could but she’d brought her dishes straight back down. He knew it was because she was used to stricter house rules but she’d stayed in the kitchen and chatted with him for almost twenty minutes. He’d sent her back to finish her homework with cake and snacks, knowing she was still hungry but wasn’t asking. </p>
<p>On Thursday he’d picked her up from therapy so that he could introduce himself to her therapist, fill her in on the new situation and find out if there was anything he needed to know. She’d been quiet as usual but she tentatively came back down while he was making dinner and asked he would read over the essay she’d written for her literature class. He had, told her it was amazing, which it was. Then he’d told her to send it to David, let him check it too. She’d emailed it over and then later that night they’d spent a little time on the phone going over it. She’d still been a little wary of David then, a little awkward so Matteo had stayed in the room on loudspeaker. But she’d stayed down after the call, after the kids were all in bed, just hanging out with him while she made the edits David had suggested.</p>
<p>She didn’t like to be alone. She liked her privacy but that wasn’t the same as being alone. Her room was her space and he wouldn’t go in without her permission. That was a space that was safe for her, somewhere she could close them out if that was what she needed. But that didn’t mean she wanted to spend all her time up there. She wanted to be down there with them.</p>
<p>He sighed and smiled at everyone again then dragged himself off of the sofa. He felt gross and needed to shower, he suddenly needed to feel clean again. Slightly on edge because Sandra was coming tomorrow and he needed to pull himself together.</p>
<p>David looked up from his scribbling. “Ok?”</p>
<p>“Shower,” he mumbled.</p>
<p>David nodded and reached out to squeeze his hand as he passed. Matteo smiled at him and headed upstairs. </p>
<p>As soon as he stepped under the hot spray he felt the fog lifting. It was almost as if he could wash it all away. He knew that wasn’t really how it worked but it sure felt good under the hot water. He stayed under the water, just letting it wash over him while the room filled with steam. He hadn’t even realised how tense he was until he felt all of his muscles relaxing in the warmth. He needed to relax, trust that David was home and let him take care of him but it was a struggle. Somewhere in the back of his mind, there was still the worry that David was going to go again. He couldn't ignore it, needed to talk about it with David but he didn’t feel strong enough yet.</p>
<p>When he felt clean and calm he switched off the water and stepped out, shivering slightly and wrapping a towel around himself. He grabbed another and started to dry his hair. He stepped into the bedroom, David was there waiting for him. He stood up, took the towel from and started to dry his hair, just like Matteo had done for him the other day. He liked this, the little gesture of care, it was such a comfort.</p>
<p>“Who’s-”</p>
<p>“Relax, Alex is down there, they can’t get into that much trouble in five minutes,” David assured him. </p>
<p>Matteo just laughed, suddenly he felt so light and free. He felt like it was hitting him all over again that David was back here with him, except this time it wasn’t overwhelming, he could enjoy it properly. “You’d be surprised.” He didn’t resist though, just he closed his eyes and let David run his fingers through his hair.</p>
<p>“Doing ok?”</p>
<p>“Yeah I feel really good, I’m happy,” he assured him.</p>
<p>“I’m happy you’re happy,” David said, smiling.</p>
<p>“I’m happy you’re home. I’m happy Jamilah’s not angry anymore. I’m happy we’re gonna help Jake and I’m so happy Alex is here. Happy that she’s downstairs right now instead of hiding in her room. I’m happy that she argues with Jamilah and is so gentle with Jake and Mimmo. David, I’m just so happy,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Overwhelmed?” David asked, reaching out and tilting his face up for a kiss.</p>
<p>“Content,” Matteo murmured against his lips.</p>
<p>David placed a hand on his waist and pulled him closer. “Perfect.”</p>
<p>“I love you.”</p>
<p>“Love you too, so much,” David said, walking them back to the bed. He sat down and pulled him into his lap. </p>
<p>Matteo went willingly, just collapsed into him. Content was right, he felt completely at peace in himself. All the pain of the past few months was dull and fading like an old bruise. Maybe it wouldn’t last, maybe it would but right now it didn’t matter. There was stuff they still needed to talk about but right now he was so happy.</p>
<p>“I’m home,” David said, peppering kisses along his jaw. Matteo just sighed and leant in closer, wrapping his arms around him.</p>
<p>“You are, you’re where you’re supposed to be,” Matteo agreed, grabbing his face in his hands, pulling him in for a proper kiss. God, he’d missed this.</p>
<p>David was smiling so much he could barely kiss him properly. Matteo was probably not doing much better. He couldn’t help but smile. David pulled them back onto the bed properly before they fell on the floor and they ended up laying facing each other. David reached out and stroked Matteo’s damp hair out of his face. </p>
<p>“Need a haircut,” Matteo mumbled.</p>
<p>“Nah I like it,” David said.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know.” Half the reason he didn’t cut his hair as often as he probably should was because he like the way David played with it, like right now running his fingers through it, gently scratching his scalp. It made him shiver slightly but it was a good feeling.</p>
<p>“Hold on,” David said, leaning over him and grabbing something from the nightstand. Matteo rolled his eyes. </p>
<p>“I’m not even reading anything,” he muttered as David put his glasses on his face.</p>
<p>“Humour me,” David said, smiling at him so fondly that Matteo had no choice. “You look so handsome, wanna draw you like this,” he said.</p>
<p>Matteo just leant forward and kissed him, reaching out and tangling his own fingers in David’s hair, causing him to sigh and press in closer to him. The stupid glasses were going to get squashed if he wasn’t careful but right now he didn’t really care. Right now nothing else existed but the two of them at that moment. They had three and a half months to make up for, right now all he could do was lose himself in David for a while. He’d just placed a hand on Matteo’s waist to pull him even closer when there was a knock on the door.</p>
<p>Matteo laughed and David grinned too, of course, they had no such luck, had been foolish to think otherwise.</p>
<p>“Jamilah?” David whispered.</p>
<p>“She doesn't usually knock though,” Matteo said, still laughing.</p>
<p>There was another knock, or more like a tiny fist pounding at the wood. “Are you kissing in there? Alex said I can’t come in because you’re kissing,” Jamilah demanded.</p>
<p>“Yes we are, go away,” David said</p>
<p>Matteo thumped him. “No Jamilah come in,” he said.</p>
<p>The door swung open and she marched into the room, peering at them curiously. “Were you kissing? Papa where are your clothes?” </p>
<p>Matteo pulled the towel tighter around himself and buried his face against David’s chest, his face suddenly hot. David being the asshole that he was, just laughed.</p>
<p>“Yes we were kissing and you’re interrupting us,” David said.</p>
<p>She laughed too. “Kissing is gross and I’m hungry,” she said.</p>
<p>“Of course you are,” David said, sitting up and pulling Matteo up too. “Dinner time?”</p>
<p>“Dinner time,” she agreed, bouncing on her toes.</p>
<p>Matteo yawned and stretched, following David up off the bed.</p>
<p>“Actually I think… I think I want to clean up in here, can you make dinner?” he asked, grabbing a shirt and pulling it on.</p>
<p>“It’s clean papa. Daddy while you were gone papa let it get really messy,” Jamilah told David in a hushed tone. His own daughter was tattling on him.</p>
<p>“It’s hard to clean when you’re sad,” David said.</p>
<p>She nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah but it’s clean now, me and Jake helped before we came to get you,” she said.</p>
<p>“I know, I just... I wanna clean it again. I know it’s stupid but I’m feeling better and I wanna change the sheets and like air out the bad feelings. Does that make sense? No, it doesn’t, does it?”</p>
<p>“Nope,” Jamilah said, sticking her tongue out at him.</p>
<p>“It does make sense,” David assured him, “how about we leave you to it and Jammy can make us some dinner?” he suggested, picking her up.</p>
<p>“No daddy don’t be silly,” she said.</p>
<p>“But I’m hungry,” he said, winking at Matteo as he carried her off.</p>
<p>“No I’m hungry,” she argued.</p>
<p>“Well, I’m hungry too!”</p>
<p>“Daddy!”</p>
<p>Matteo laughed and turned back to the bedroom. He pulled on some clean joggers then looked around the room.</p>
<p>Jamilah was right they’d cleaned it thoroughly on Friday, ready for David to come home. But he wanted to do it again. He wanted it fresh now he was feeling a bit better. He started by putting his discarded clothes and towel into the laundry basket. Then he stripped the bed, changing the sheets for clean ones. </p>
<p>Then he went downstairs to grab the vacuum cleaner, wanting to do a proper job. He knew it was kind of dumb but cleaning made him feel lighter. As if he was changing the energy of the room, chasing away the last of the darkness that had settled over the room while David was away. </p>
<p>When he was done with that he pulled back the curtains and threw open the windows. It was getting dark already but the autumn air was cool and fresh. He sighed and took a deep breath, just standing there for a moment. He felt completely at peace.</p>
<p>He grabbed the little watering can and filled it in the bathroom sink then watered all the plants on the windowsill. They’d always had lots of plants wherever they’d lived, they both liked surrounding themselves with greenery. He stood there for a moment running his fingers over the leaves. He already felt so much better, despite the slight worry at the back of his mind he knew David wasn’t going anywhere, knew that everything was going to be ok. </p>
<p>He turned back to the bedroom. It didn’t really look any tidier but it felt it to him. It felt cleaner and lighter.</p>
<p>He looked to the corner where David’s duffle bag sat, still not unpacked. The suitcase hadn’t even made it upstairs, although David had opened it to give them all their gifts, the ones that he’d brought with him in his luggage. </p>
<p>It was quickly getting chilly in the room so he grabbed one of the new sweaters David had gotten him and pulled it on. He loved it, of course, it was perfectly soft and heavy against his skin. Brightly coloured too, patterned red, orange and blue. Apparently, it was very fashionable, Matteo didn’t know about that but he loved it.</p>
<p>He smiled and rolled up the sleeves then picked up David’s bag. He was going to leave it there forever otherwise. His husband hated packing, hated unpacking just as much. </p>
<p>Matteo emptied the bag onto the bed and rolled his eyes. It wasn’t even that bad, all the clothes were clean and neatly folded, it would only take a few minutes to put them away. So he did, no point nagging David to do it. Before he could sort out the rest his eyes landed on one of David’s sketchbooks and he couldn't resist, never could. He sat down and picked it up, flicking through to see what David had been drawing while he was away. He still loved looking through these, it was like an insight into his husband’s mind, how he saw the world.</p>
<p>Matteo recognised the skyline, the view from the balcony of the apartment where he’d stayed. Francis and Maria, their girls. A desert, lonely and barren. Teenagers laughing, that was probably the cast. He would ask David to go through them properly later. He was about to close it when he came across a sketch that looked a bit like him but not quite. Underneath was written: <em>Unnamed character, Spanish, a quiet detective that gets the case done by just listening. Everyone on his back trying to get him to speak up but he’s the best because he’s so quiet, he sees things no one else sees. He pays attention and notices everything. He’s just super perceptive. High emotional intelligence, patient, kind, gives everyone a chance. Just like Matteo. How can I work in vampires?</em></p>
<p>What the hell was this supposed to be?</p>
<p>Matteo huffed and marched downstairs to confront him. Everyone was in the kitchen now and it was a mess. Alex and Jamilah were at the island counter, Matty in his high chair, Jake on the floor mixing air in the pots and pans. David could never seem to cook without using every pan and utensil. It was ridiculous. He was frowning now at whatever was in the pan. He could cook just fine but he couldn’t focus on the kids and the food at the same time without getting flustered, plus he was also trying to read instructions on the screen which was another distraction. Matteo just went over to the stove and turned the heat down on the vegetables before they burned. </p>
<p>“Hey!” </p>
<p>“Cook them on a lower heat for longer its better,” he said.</p>
<p>“Cook them on a lower heat for longer,” David repeated in a tone Matteo assumed was supposed to resemble his voice. It did not.</p>
<p>“What’s this by the way?” Matteo said, shoving the book under his nose.</p>
<p>“Ah,” David said quietly, looking sheepish.</p>
<p>“Ah?”</p>
<p>“Just an idea,” David said with a shrug, turning back to the stove but he was hiding a grin.</p>
<p>“Spanish detective? Quiet? Just like me? Is this what you’re working on in Spain, some show with me as a detective?”</p>
<p>“No no, this is just an idea but I got it when I was talking to Marco, my Madrid producer,” he explained.</p>
<p>“So it’s me?” Matteo asked, incredulously.</p>
<p>“Yeah what’s wrong with that?”</p>
<p>“You can't just… me? No ones gonna wanna watch that David,” Matteo said, leaning over him as he moved around the kitchen.</p>
<p>“I would,” David argued.</p>
<p>“Yeah well.” </p>
<p>David was biased when it came to things like this.</p>
<p>“Yeah well,” David repeated, leaning back to kiss him.</p>
<p>“Did you read his diary?” Alex asked from the counter.</p>
<p>Matteo turned away from David to see her frowning at the pair of them.</p>
<p>“It’s my sketchbook,” David clarified.</p>
<p>“Yeah one of them, there are hundreds,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Mm true,” David agreed.</p>
<p>Alex looked worried, a little distressed. Matteo went over and sat next to her, he knew why she was worried, her privacy was incredibly important to her, more so because she hadn’t had any for so long. </p>
<p>“But isn’t it private?” she asked.</p>
<p>Matteo just winked at David. “I’m allowed,” he said.</p>
<p>“No privacy for me,” David told her, coming over and joining them at the counter.</p>
<p>“I have a contract,” Matteo told her.</p>
<p>She smiled then, worry fading to amusement, he could see her realising just how extra they really were. “You have a contract?”</p>
<p>“Yeah hold on I’ll get it.” He knew exactly where it was and headed upstairs. He was planning on bringing it down but all of them followed him to the bedroom, Jamilah and Jake climbing onto the freshly made bed and bouncing in excitement. He just hoped David had turned off the stove.</p>
<p>“Oh my god you are such a nerd,” Alex said, as she watched him pull out an old wooden box.</p>
<p>It was a bit much he supposed but he’d done it forever and he wasn’t going to change now. Instead, he rifled through and found the offending article. “Here,” he said passing it to David who shifted Matty to his hip read it out to all of them.</p>
<p>“I, David Schreibner promise to allow my amazing and wonderful boyfriend Matteo Florenzi full access to all my sketchbooks, now and in the future, to make sure he isn’t drawing mean cartoons of said wonderful boyfriend, signed David Schreibner,” he said with probably the fondest grin he’d ever seen.</p>
<p>Alex laughed and the twins joined in not quite understanding why it was funny. “Oh my god, that isn’t legally binding you know,” she said.</p>
<p>“Well I’m not risking it,” David said, sitting down on the bed while Matteo started taking more items out of the box, then pulling other boxes out, surrounding himself in memories.</p>
<p>“How old were you?” Alex asked, sitting down on the floor to peer through the memories with him. Jamilah climbed down and joined her. Alex handed her some photos to look at, both of them handling them gently, with care.</p>
<p>“Like nineteen,” David said.</p>
<p>“Wow, that’s… wow, no one is ever allowed to look at my sketchbooks,” Alex said. Of course, that was different and Matteo would have never actually looked at anything David didn’t want him to.</p>
<p>And it had actually resulted from David drawing a very rude caricature of him as a spider, losing at Mario Kart despite having extra hands. All because he’d been sulking over losing to Jonas. He still had the offending sketch somewhere.</p>
<p>“I get that,” David said, “we would never look at anything you didn’t show us but if I did have stuff that I wanted to keep private I would just say. Did that happen, before?” he asked gently.</p>
<p>“Yeah, even when I hid stuff, I write my thoughts in my sketchbook too, it’s so personal to me and they read it,” she whispered.</p>
<p>“That’s terrible… did they… did they justify it by saying they were looking out for you?” Matteo asked, knowing both carers and parents that had been guilty of this.</p>
<p>“Yeah sometimes,” she said quietly.</p>
<p>“That was wrong, I’m sure you know already but that was really wrong, no one should have ever done that ok? We would never dream of reading anything of yours or the twins’ personal stuff,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“What if you were worried about me?”</p>
<p>“We would ask you,” David said, it really was that simple.</p>
<p>“And if you didn’t tell us we would have to respect that and we would keep checking in and hope in time you would tell us what was wrong. But as parents, I would hope we would be able to tell something was wrong without reading your diary, and if it was something serious we would know and we would just have to keep on at you until you told us. But in general, you don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to, you're seventeen, you need your privacy and that’s fine, I trust you to keep me in the loop, it’s about trust, we want you to trust us enough to just talk to us,” Matteo told her.</p>
<p>“Ok,” she said, looking down at some of the photos. “How much stuff did you keep?”</p>
<p>“Matteo keeps everything that means something, there's more up in the attic,” David told her, “he’s pretty damn sentimental but we have space so what's the harm?” </p>
<p>They all watched him for a moment, watching him pull out memory after memory and surround himself with them. So much for tidying up. He opened a couple more boxes, ones with memories of the kids. There was a system to it, it may seem like everything was jumbled together but that wasn’t the case at all. Everything had a place and he knew where it all went. </p>
<p>Alex grabbed another handful of photos. “Holy shit! You look so young here! How old were you? You look so different without the beard, you look like…”</p>
<p>Matteo glanced up at her, ready for his husband to be teased mercilessly. David was scowling ready for whatever she had to throw at him.</p>
<p>“Like the annoying popular kid, you know that everyone hates?”</p>
<p>David looked absolutely perplexed. Matteo burst out laughing, that couldn’t be further from the truth, he took the photo from Alex. David did look good, very handsome. The photo was taken at uni, he was pretty charming and confident once he got into film school, once he saw how bright his future looked. Once he realised people liked him for him. But he was so down to earth about it, not like Alex was talking about.</p>
<p>“You just look so different,” she said quietly, “it’s so weird seeing adults as kids.”</p>
<p>“Can I clarify I was like nineteen in that picture?”</p>
<p>“Yeah well you look like fifteen, you don’t look older than me, puberty hit you slow huh?”</p>
<p>David sat down on the bed, with Matty on his lap. “Literally,” he reminded her, “but it’s why I have such youthful good looks now.”</p>
<p>“Keep telling yourself that, I’d lose the beard if you wanted to call yourself youthful,” she countered.</p>
<p>“Hey!”</p>
<p>Jake laughed, “I want a beard,” he said.</p>
<p>“Do you really?”</p>
<p>“Yeah it tickles, he said, reaching out and scratching David’s chin, giggling as he did so. David grinned and dropped Matty onto the bed so he could tickle both of them. </p>
<p>Jamilah was very quiet, searching through the photos, Matteo watched her until she found whatever it was she was looking for. “Alex look at papa!” She thrust a photo into Alex’s hand and Matteo was pretty sure he knew which one it was, it was Jamilah’s favourite.</p>
<p>“Matteo your hair!</p>
<p>“What about my hair?” he asked with a grin. Jamilah loved brightly coloured hair. She’d had pink and purple box braids all summer. She’d been so summery and colourful in the sun.</p>
<p>“It’s green,” Alex pointed out.</p>
<p>“I remember when you did that and then Jonas told you all your hair would fall out because of the bleach and you freaked out. Oh and you and him got green all over our bathroom,” David said, reaching out and pulling on his hair.</p>
<p>He remembered too, Jonas had helped him dye it the first time. It had been for some environmental rally. They hadn’t protected his skin either so that had been a little green for a while too. But when he looked in the mirror he loved it, it just looked so cool. He’d looked like an elf or a woodland creature. He’d kept it for a good few years. Let it grow out until it curled around his chin, trying various shades of green, dark forest green being his favourite. He only stopped when his hair really did start getting thinner.</p>
<p>“I didn’t wanna go bald,” Matteo mumbled.</p>
<p>“You two used to be so cool,” Alex said, smiling at both of them. They seemed to have her approval, that was the highest praise from her.</p>
<p>“Are you gonna start adding stuff for Alex?” Jamilah asked, climbing into his lap.</p>
<p>“Can I start adding you to the collection, Alex?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah I guess,” she said, but it was a little hesitant, slight disbelief in her voice.</p>
<p>“Maybe wait a little, let Alex figure herself out first,” David suggested. “Ok I’m gonna go finish dinner, come on Jakey,” he said, picking both him and Matty back up.</p>
<p>“I’m helping daddy,” Jake told him.</p>
<p>“Ah, so <em>you’re</em> the cook?”</p>
<p>“Yes!”</p>
<p>“You go help daddy and we’ll be down soon,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>Jake nodded seriously as David carried them off to finish dinner.</p>
<p>Alex showed him another photo. “I like this one, how old is Jamilah here?”</p>
<p>“Six,” Matteo told her, taking the photo and showing Jamilah who scrunched up her face as she looked at her younger self.</p>
<p>“Why is it in the box and not on the wall?” Alex asked.</p>
<p>They had a lot of pictures of the kids up on the wall, all over the house. When Alex felt comfortable it might be nice to do another family photo shoot. David usually did it, set them up in the garden with his fancy cameras. He was a total pain in the ass about it, making them all stand still for hours while he tried to get the shot exactly right. In the end, he usually gave up, the photos where they were all laughing and mucking about looked much better anyway.</p>
<p>“Sometimes papa just likes to come in here and look at the pictures, especially when he’s sad,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“I’m not sad right now but I've always done it, since I was a kid. Here.” He pulled out more photos, his own kid photos and handed them over.</p>
<p>“You were really blond as a kid,” she said.</p>
<p>“Yeah it got darker as I got older, and now it’s going grey,” he complained.</p>
<p>“Oh here it’s almost reddish, you look like Jake,” she said, showing them another photo.</p>
<p>“No, he doesn’t!”</p>
<p>“No, but he does, not like in his face but… there’s just something there, more like in the way you’re holding yourself, there’s a nervous energy there, like excitement, Jake has that too,” she explained.</p>
<p>Matteo just stared at her. She really had a photographer's eye to infer all that from pictures. They had to encourage her so that she could share her artistry with the world.</p>
<p>“Well I think you look silly papa,” Jamilah said, snatching a photo from Alex and scowling at it.</p>
<p>“I look silly?”</p>
<p>“You’re too small!”</p>
<p>“I was a child!”</p>
<p>“And I don’t understand,” she continued.</p>
<p>“What don’t you understand?”</p>
<p>“Why it's not in black and white,” she said.</p>
<p>If he didn’t know better he would say her tone was smug. She was too young to be smug, wasn’t she?</p>
<p>“Hey!” He squeezed her tight, tickling her until she wriggled free, squealing in delight.</p>
<p>“Oh my god, Jamilah you are brutal!” Alex held up her hand and hi-fived her. “So you always used to collect memories?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, it started… my mama got quite sick, she suffers with depression and paranoia. One time I was maybe eleven or twelve and she destroyed a lot of the photos so I saved all the ones I could and whenever stuff was bad I would just look at them. Just to remember when I was happy. I wasn’t happy for a long time back then,” he explained.</p>
<p>“I do that,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Can we see?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>“Um, I dunno…”</p>
<p>“And that’s fine,” Matteo assured her.</p>
<p>Jamilah let it go and began to root around the photos again until she found what she was looking for.</p>
<p>“This here is my mama,” she said, showing Alex another photo. They’d printed out as many photos as they could find for her and she was allowed to come and look whenever she wanted. They’d offered to put them on the walls but she’d said no. She did have one framed photo of the three of them in her room though.</p>
<p>It was really important to them that she had that, had access to all these photos. He knew when she’d been at her first foster home they’d refused her any of it. Lied to her. He was just thankful she wasn’t there long enough to forget her good memories, that no matter what they tried to do she held on to them even though it was really hard. </p>
<p>She’d been slow to trust that they weren’t going to punish her for talking about her parents, like her previous caregivers. She still got a bit funny about it but they never had a problem with it. Just kept encouraging her.</p>
<p>“You look like her,” Alex said.</p>
<p>Jamilah beamed. “She’s so pretty, isn’t she? I hope I'm as pretty when I'm grown up,” she said.</p>
<p>“You will be,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Definitely,” Alex agreed.</p>
<p>Jamilah took the photo back and looked at it for a moment, smiling before she carefully placed it back in the box. The only reason it was in there instead of her room was because there was a risk of it getting damaged in with the kids' stuff. Some of the pictures were the only copies they had.</p>
<p>She grabbed another photo. “Look here’s Matty, look how small and red he is, he couldn’t even talk then all he did was cry,” she said.</p>
<p>“He never cried that much,” Matteo argued.</p>
<p>“He slept all the time! Jake never slept that much when he came here,” she said.</p>
<p>“Jake was four,” Matteo reminded her.</p>
<p>“Yes well-”</p>
<p>“Is this Jake? He looks different,” Alex asked.</p>
<p>“He looks sad,” Jamilah said, taking the photo.</p>
<p>Matteo took the photo from her and stared at it, it was Jake age four and a half, staring at the camera wide-eyed and nervous. David was behind him, arms wrapped tight around him and Jake was clinging tightly to his arms. Matteo ran a finger over the picture and smiled.</p>
<p>“He was ok,” he whispered, “just a little nervous.”</p>
<p>“Jake used to be scared a lot, it’s why I had to protect him,” Jamilah told her.</p>
<p>“You did a really good job,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Look here’s Brambles when I first got her.” Brambles in the photo was a lot less scruffy and worn. “Nana gave me Brambles and I gave her to Jake when he came and then we gave her to Matty and now daddy has her,” she explained.</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“For when he was in America, so he wasn’t lonely,” Jamilah explained. “Papa did I draw this?” she asked, showing him a picture of the house that she’d drawn when they first moved in.</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>She frowned at it. “It’s not that good,” she said, how critical of her.</p>
<p>“It’s very good,” Matteo argued. “I like it and you made it for me,” he insisted, he’d liked it so much he’d gotten it tattooed on his chest. She knew that too, she was just a critic.</p>
<p>“Hm. I can draw much better now,” she said.</p>
<p>“I know, look these are your hands,” he said, showing her the handprints she’d made at school.</p>
<p>“They’re little!” She put the picture on the floor and covered the blue handprints with her own hands.</p>
<p>“You were little, you still are,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Hey er… Jamilah, this is my mum,” Alex said, handing her phone to Jamilah. Matteo noticed the slight tremble in her hand but didn’t say anything.</p>
<p>“Oh she’s so beautiful,” Jamilah whispered. Alex nodded and took her phone back, handing it to Matteo. He took it from her. </p>
<p>“One of my old caseworkers gave me her phone, we downloaded it all,” Alex said.</p>
<p>He was so glad she had that. He looked at her mum, they looked so similar. She was so young, not much older than Alex now, the resemblance was striking. Jamilah was right, she was very beautiful.</p>
<p>“You look just like her,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Alex looked like that comment meant the world to her.</p>
<p>“Yeah you do, you’re much taller but it’s in your face, you have the same smile as her,” Matteo said, it made her smile then and prove it.</p>
<p>“Hey dinner’s ready but it’ll stay warm if you still looking?” David said, wandering back into the room with Jake and Matty.</p>
<p>“Can I show David?”</p>
<p>Alex nodded.</p>
<p>“Doesn’t Alex look like her mum?” he asked.</p>
<p>David took the phone from him. “You have the same smile.”</p>
<p>“That’s what I said,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Yeah, and your eyes too, even the expression she has here, I've seen it on you before,” David said.</p>
<p>“Oh,” she whispered. David handed her the phone and she took it and pocketed it. “Maybe I’ll show you some more later.”</p>
<p>“I’d like that Alex,” David said.</p>
<p>“Dinner?” Matteo checked.</p>
<p>“Are you finished cleaning? Ok to come down?”</p>
<p>“Depends what’s for dinner,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Oh, you know what Matteo-”</p>
<p>Matteo just pulled him down to the floor, bringing Jake and Matty with him. David rolled his eyes but kissed him anyway, determinedly ignoring the sounds of disgust coming from their daughter.</p>
<p>“It’s fajitas, by the way, vegetable,” David told him.</p>
<p>“Daddy tried to cook the tofu,” Jake said, giggling.</p>
<p>“Oh no, did it go wrong?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, it got all burnt!”</p>
<p>“Jake! Why do you do this to me?”</p>
<p>Jake just grinned, Matteo winked at him.</p>
<p>“Fine it’s just vegetables and salad, but I made salsa and guacamole too. I couldn’t be bothered doing chicken for us, I did some wedges for Jake too, just in case,” David said but Jake would probably eat the fajitas.</p>
<p>“Probably best you stay away from the chicken dear,” Matteo teased.</p>
<p>“Don’t take that tone with me,” David warned.</p>
<p>“Daddy?”</p>
<p>“Yes, Jammy?</p>
<p>“I am starving. Stop kissing and feed me,” she said, so sweetly. </p>
<p>Alex and David laughed, Matteo poked her in the tummy. “You’re always starving but I am too. Come on let's eat,” he said, standing up and groaning. He took one last look around the room, now covered in stuff. So much for tidying up. But he didn’t care, it was dinner time, time to spend with his family now they were all together again.</p>
<p>Matteo almost had a heart attack when the doorbell rang the next afternoon. His mother had left with Matty a couple of hours ago and they were waiting for the assessment with Sandra. It wasn’t for another hour and Alex had a key, he just hoped she’d forgotten it and that Sandra wasn’t early. Despite being ready for hours and David assuring him that it was going to be fine he felt anxious to the point of nausea.</p>
<p>“I’ll get it,” he called out, dragging himself to the door.</p>
<p>David was upstairs, measuring up the attic. Looking into how to go about getting it converted. “Is it Sandra?” he yelled down.</p>
<p>“It’s too early we’re not ready,” Matteo muttered to himself.</p>
<p>“Hey, Teo? I’ll be down in a second, if it’s Sandra it’s ok. We’re ready,” he shouted.</p>
<p>Matteo nodded and opened the door. It wasn’t Sandra it was two men waiting on the doorstep.</p>
<p>“Delivery for a Schreibner-Florenzi?” one of the men said, looking down at his paperwork.</p>
<p>“Yeah er what is it? Sorry, where’s it from?” David’s stuff still hadn’t arrived from America, had been delayed in transit, but he didn’t think it would need two people, this was something else.</p>
<p>“It’s big a dollhouse from Just in Time, not heavy but delicate, needs to be handled carefully. Shall we bring it in?”</p>
<p>Matteo nodded and turned back to the hallway while the men went to their van. “David your dollhouse is here!” he shouted.</p>
<p>“Yes!” </p>
<p>Matteo heard a lot of bumping and him running down the stairs. “Woah,” he whispered as he watched them unloading the dollhouse, handling it with care. That wasn’t going to fit through the front door.</p>
<p>“Where is this going David?” he asked.</p>
<p>“The new playroom eventually,” David said a little sheepishly.</p>
<p>“The new playroom we haven’t even planned out yet?”</p>
<p>“That’s the one, living room for now?” he suggested.</p>
<p>Matteo sighed and rolled his eyes, “show them round the side, I’ll get the patio door.”</p>
<p>“Yes dear,” David said sweetly, he had the audacity to press a kiss to his cheek before darting out the door.</p>
<p>It took a lot of shuffling and moving furniture about to get the dollhouse inside, but finally, it was set on the table in the corner of the room. Matteo just crouched down in front of it while David sorted out the delivery men.</p>
<p>“Like it?” he asked when he came back into the room, he sat down on the floor next to him.</p>
<p>“I do. Jake will love this,” Matteo said, he loved building things with his Lego, loved building little houses the most.</p>
<p>“Yeah, Jamilah said that too, she wanted it but mostly to play with Jake, and Alex too, it was always something for them to play together,” David said.</p>
<p>“Not Mimmo?” Matteo checked.</p>
<p>“No, he’s too little,” David said. </p>
<p>Matteo nodded and shuffled closer to the dollhouse, running his fingers over it. “I love this,” he said, quietly.</p>
<p>David knelt up behind him, hooking his chin under his shoulder and wrapping his arms tight around him. This was nice, the worry that had been lingering over him all morning faded slightly when David’s arms were around him. “Yeah? So a good purchase?”</p>
<p>“My grandma had something like this,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Nonna?”</p>
<p>“No mama’s mama,” he said.</p>
<p>His maternal grandmother was sadly nothing like nonna. Where his father’s mother was warm, down to earth, and the friendliest woman he knew, his grandmother was cold and severe. His grandfather too. Both of them had been cruel and dismissive, hadn’t helped his mother at all when she was struggling. Wrote her off as an embarrassment to the family. They didn’t rate him very highly either.</p>
<p>“Oh?”</p>
<p>“I was never allowed to touch, I did, just once and she smacked my hand away,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>He’d cried his eyes out too, no one had ever smacked him like that before, he vaguely remembered just curling up and crying and sobbing. Which of course led to him being yelled at by his grandfather.</p>
<p>“No?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, it was bad. Mama went mad at her but I didn’t touch again, I was scared,” he said.</p>
<p>“That’s such crap,” David muttered, squeezing him tighter.</p>
<p>“Yeah she said it wasn’t for children and it certainly wasn’t for little boys,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>Firstly how was a dollhouse not for children? And why couldn’t boys play with it? Matteo never understood her logic there. He understood now that it was probably expensive but she still didn’t need to yell at him.</p>
<p>“Oh fuck her,” David said, kissing his temple. </p>
<p>Matteo relaxed against him, still looking at the house. It really was very similar to the one he hadn’t been allowed to touch. It was stupid but he almost didn’t dare touch this one either. His grandmother’s harsh tones ringing in his ears.</p>
<p>“Yeah, they weren’t nice, at all. Used to say I was too clumsy. Too soft and delicate, did not like how gentle my mama was with me, they thought I needed more discipline,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>They’d tried that on her behalf, to discipline him, toughen him up. It resulted in his mother forbidding them from seeing him. Or maybe his father had and his mother had agreed. However it went down his visits with them were supervised after that. And slowly those visits petered out.</p>
<p>“They sound like assholes, you did not need a severe upbringing, I mean no child does but that would have fucked you up,” David said.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Matteo mumbled, turning in David’s arms and hiding.</p>
<p>“Your mum is like the kindest woman I've ever met and you turned out the same, what the fuck is too soft anyway? That’s so toxic, there’s nothing wrong with that, Jesus,” David muttered, running a hand up and down his back, comforting him. “You’ve never told me that before.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I guess I just don’t think of them that much. They were barely even grandparents to me in the end. Barely parents to mama either. I think she probably misses them though. But I think maybe she’s so gentle because they were so strict with her,” he reasoned.</p>
<p>“That makes sense,” David agreed.</p>
<p>“But they stopped talking to mama while she was sick, didn’t want anything to do with her, they didn’t believe in mental illness, because it’s not proper. They weren’t close before but I think that pretty much ended things between them, she made sure they were ok, out of obligation but that was it,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Damn, that’s sad though, having that kind of relationship, it’s kind of like me and my parents,” David mused.</p>
<p>“Yeah but they try now and you try, I’ve seen you all healing first hand. I know you complain about them a lot but you’re so much more relaxed, more patient with them these days. And it’s because they realised and they put in the effort they’ve worked hard, as they should, to repair it. They’re not brilliant parents but they know their mistake and they’ve owned up to it,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>David just gave him another squeeze.</p>
<p>“I will say one thing for my papa when he ran away he insisted nonna kept in touch with mama, knew how much she loved her and didn't want to take that from her,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Ah he’s alright your dad,” David said.</p>
<p>“I know, he was just a bit shitty but he was never mean,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” </p>
<p>“This is nice,” Matteo said quietly.</p>
<p>“Just us alone?”</p>
<p>“Doesn’t happen often does it?”</p>
<p>“Almost never,” David agreed. “God I missed you, I missed you so much, I swear it still hurts you know? Like the pain is still there.”</p>
<p>Matteo knew exactly how he felt, had been feeling exactly the same way, it was still fading now. He’d thought the moment David was back with him everything would be ok but he still felt off. “Like a bruise?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah like a bruise,” David agreed.</p>
<p>“I feel it too, it’s kind of like the immense pain is gone but the residual pain is still there, I still feel like I’m gonna wake up and you’re gonna be gone again,” Matteo admitted.</p>
<p>David gripped his arms tighter. “I wake up and you’re clinging to me,” he said.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Matteo said, he’d spent so many nights alone he couldn’t help it, couldn't let go of him.</p>
<p>“It’s the same, I wake up and I’m just so relieved I’m still here,” David said softly.</p>
<p>“Are we overdramatic?” Matteo asked. He wasn’t that worried, if they were then it was both of them so who cared?</p>
<p>“Yeah, a bit who gives a shit?”</p>
<p>“Not me,” Matteo said, tilting his head back for a kiss, David obliged him.</p>
<p>“It’ll pass it’s only been a few days, I was gone months,” David reminded him.</p>
<p>“I really don’t know how people do this,” Matteo mumbled.</p>
<p>“Everyone’s different, some people can handle distance, in fact, it works for them like reinforces their relationship. That’s not us. We were so lonely when we met, we knew what it was to be alone, you were absolutely terrified of it. I was resigned to it, expected nothing better so I’d accepted my fate. But we did find each other and we knew we never needed to be alone again, why would we choose to when we can avoid it? This is what works for us. It’s not a bad thing, it’s not unhealthy, we missed each other plain and simple. It really fucking hurt and we’re still recovering now,” David insisted.</p>
<p>“I really can’t do it again,” Matteo whispered.</p>
<p>“Good thing you don't have to,” David said, just holding him close.</p>
<p>He was quiet for a few moments Matteo could tell he wanted to say more so he waited.</p>
<p>“Are you ok Matteo?” he asked gently.</p>
<p>Matteo closed his eyes and thought about it. He was ok, he was happy because David was back, he was so happy. But he wasn’t quite right, he didn’t feel good in himself, this wasn’t as simple as David coming home anymore. “I’m not ok, I’m not ok at all,” he said. </p>
<p>But he wasn't afraid, wasn’t scared at all. He’d been through this a lot over the years and it always passed. He was never alone anymore, never had to do this alone. He knew he would be ok.</p>
<p>“What can I do?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Just stay, just be around me all the time while I work through this, I need you,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Not going anywhere, I need you too, this is where I’m supposed to be,” David promised.</p>
<p>“The weekend took a lot from me,” Matteo admitted.</p>
<p>“I know,” David said.</p>
<p>“I’m recovering from that too, just…”</p>
<p>“What is it?” David asked gently.</p>
<p>“Just I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“For what?”</p>
<p>“Not been up to much, not been able to do much but cuddle and sleep, not really saying much either,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>He felt like David’s return had been a bit of a letdown for him. Like he should’ve been more excited, should’ve done more to welcome his husband back. Instead, he’d pretty much fallen apart the moment he’d gotten back.</p>
<p>“What else would we be doing? We’re certainly not going out anywhere I’m not up to that either,” David said, looking down at him confused.</p>
<p>“I dunno I just… yesterday you were looking after everyone while I just laid there on the sofa,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“No?”</p>
<p>“Alex was studying, Jake and Matty were playing, I was doing homework with Jammy but that was it. I wasn’t looking after everyone, we were all spending time together as a family, you were just as present as me, you were tired but you chose to be down here instead of up in bed, which would have been fine too, but you are not failing anyone ok?” David insisted.</p>
<p>“Ok,” Matteo whispered, David was right, as always.</p>
<p>“Love you,” David said.</p>
<p>“Love you too.”</p>
<p>“Take your time ok? This has taken a toll don’t push yourself, we’ve got time, I’m back, I’m here, you can relax a while ok? Let me take charge just for a while,” David said.</p>
<p>“It’s so hard without you, I managed I think but it was so hard by myself,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“You did so well and now you need to rest ok?”</p>
<p>“I am resting, I’m very comfortable right now,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Good.” David pressed a kiss to his cheek then tilted his head to kiss him properly. Matteo had missed this so much. Had never gone so long without kissing David, holding him. He broke away to turn around in David’s lap, needing to be closer. David reached out and tangled his fingers in Matteo’s hair, pulling him close again. Matteo kissed him again and again, trying to catch up for what they missed.</p>
<p>“You need to kiss me like… like… ten thousand times to catch up,” David murmured, obviously thinking the same thing.</p>
<p>“Ten thousand?”</p>
<p>“Minimum,” David said, kissing him again, pulling him even closer. He was warm and strong beneath him. Safe in his arms all Matteo’s worries faded away for a while. Right now all he could think and feel was David. All his senses filled with David, he shouldn’t but he let himself get lost in it for a while.</p>
<p>Somewhere far off he heard a door slam shut and knew that meant he should probably pull himself back to reality but he couldn’t, not surrounded by David like this.</p>
<p>“Hey guys I'm home and- is this all you do while we're at school?” Alex demanded, smirking down at them.</p>
<p>“No? We… we were talking and stuff,” David reasoned, running a hand through his hair, trying to pull himself together. Matteo could only stare at him.</p>
<p>“Yeah looked like it, the dollhouse is here?”</p>
<p>“Yep fantastic isn’t it?” David said.</p>
<p>Alex nodded and sat down next to them. “Jamilah is gonna be so psyched,” she said.</p>
<p>“How are you feeling about today?” Matteo asked, finally pulling himself together.</p>
<p>“I’m ok,” she said quietly.</p>
<p>“Are you nervous?” David asked.</p>
<p>“No. Yeah a bit,” she said, “are you?”</p>
<p>“Yes, very,” Matteo admitted. He wanted to reassure her. But that would be lying and she’d see right through him anyway.</p>
<p>“What if she takes me back?” Alex asked quietly. </p>
<p>“Why would she?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Alex mumbled.</p>
<p>“She won’t,” Matteo assured her.</p>
<p>“We won’t let her,” David insisted.</p>
<p>As nervous as he was he didn’t think it would come to that. He wasn’t worried that Sandra was going to take Alex away. He was just nervous about all the questions, for him and David but especially for Alex. He understood the need for the assessments but he didn’t want to drag stuff up for her. He trusted Sandra to handle this well though.</p>
<p>“It’s going to be ok. This might be hard but we’re on your side,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Ok thank you,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“And like obviously you’re being assessed and I don’t think she would but if she asks an uncomfortable question for you can say you don’t want to answer, you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“But then she’ll take me away,” Alex said, she looked so distressed. Of course, this was going to be painful. It was just a reminder of all the times she’d been through this before. All the times she’d been failed.</p>
<p>“No I don’t think so, you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. But at the same time, I want you to be honest too, if there’s anything we could be doing better for you, you gotta tell her, ok? If you can’t tell us, tell Sandra, yeah?”</p>
<p>“Ok? I am really nervous, I don’t want to go back,” Alex whispered. She was on the verge of tears now, so young and vulnerable. All Matteo wanted to do was hug her. He was going to set Jamilah on her the moment she got home. Alex never turned down hugs from Jamilah.</p>
<p>“Trust us,” David said.</p>
<p>“I do, I do,” she said.</p>
<p>“It’s going to be ok,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>The doorbell rang again and this time they knew it was Sandra, David got up to let her in.</p>
<p>Matteo gave Alex a smile and then gestured for them to get up and move to the sofa. Sandra walked in with David and smiled at both of them.</p>
<p>“Hey Matteo, hey Alex, how are you settling in?” Sandra said, sitting down opposite them.</p>
<p>David came to sit on Alex’s other side. Alex leant forward.</p>
<p>“Good. Please I want to stay, please don’t take me back,” she begged.</p>
<p>Sandra just shook her head. “You’re not going anywhere you don’t want to I promise. But I do have to tell a spot has opened up at a Sanctuary home, it’s supported living, not the one you requested but it’s not too bad, it’s actually a bit closer to your school, I know you’re catching the bus at the moment,” she said.</p>
<p>Matteo watched Alex carefully, this was very tricky, he hadn’t been expecting this. He tried to stay calm but he felt panicked now. Alex looked so conflicted.</p>
<p>“Oh,” she whispered.</p>
<p>“But you don’t have to go, it’s just it’s time-sensitive, so I have to know today,” Sandra explained.</p>
<p>Alex looked at both of them, worried. It wasn’t really fair, he understood why Sandra had to bring it up, was jumping right into it. This was what Alex requested, to keep it from her wouldn’t be fair at all. </p>
<p>“I don’t know,” she whispered.</p>
<p>“Talk it through,” Matteo suggested.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“I told you from the start I would support you in any decision that you made, so weigh up your options talk it through with me,” Matteo said, no matter what she chose he would keep his promise.</p>
<p>“I… I…”</p>
<p>This was so hard for her, he knew she so rarely got consulted on anything.</p>
<p>“Ok here’s how I see it,” David said, not wanting to leave her struggling, “we want you here. We absolutely don’t want you to leave. I do understand it’s a big decision, a lot to work out, I know that we’re a lot too and it’s hard to get used to us. What does happen when she’s eighteen exactly? Matteo keeps saying she ages out,” he said.</p>
<p>It meant that she would lose all support. Be out on her own, have to face the world alone. “Means the money stops,” Matteo said. It meant there was no more allowance from the state and that most foster families had to let an eighteen-year-old go because they often couldn’t afford it, or they didn’t want to.</p>
<p>“Oh well, that’s irrelevant to us and also total bullshit what the hell?” David said.</p>
<p>“It used to be sixteen,” Matteo told him.</p>
<p>“You’re fucking joking,” David muttered.</p>
<p>“No, now it reduces down from sixteen to eighteen,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>“That’s such bullshit Matteo what the hell?”</p>
<p>Did he think he’d written the rules? That he didn't think they were horribly unfair? That he didn’t work his damned hardest to avoid that outcome at all costs?</p>
<p>“David just to be clear I didn’t write the policies,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“But can’t you change them?” David asked.</p>
<p>People always thought that, as if it were that simple, if it were that easy they wouldn’t be in this situation right now.</p>
<p>“No we can’t, we have very real children that need our immediate help. It’s on you as citizens to demand a better system,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Yeah David,” Sandra agreed.</p>
<p>David ran a hand through his hair, thinking it through. That usually meant trouble. “Shit ok,” he muttered.</p>
<p>“Oh god Sandra now he’s gonna make a movie,” Matteo complained.</p>
<p>“Damn straight. No, I'm gonna make a documentary,” David decided.</p>
<p>“Oh dear god,” Matteo whined.</p>
<p>“Is that bad?” Sandra asked.</p>
<p>“He gets so pretentious on documentary work,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Fuck off Matteo,” David said.</p>
<p>Matteo winked at Alex who smiled a little.</p>
<p>“Ok ok it’s entirely up to you but please don’t go ok? I think you’re absolutely amazing and so strong but I don’t think you’re ready to navigate the world by yourself yet. We love you and we want you to stay ok? But I know your worry, if you don’t take this place and you hit eighteen that’s it, we’re all you have. I know that must be so terrifying, I don’t know what more I can do but promise you that you can stay as long as you need can you trust that?” Matteo asked her.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” she whispered.</p>
<p>She’d been let down so much of course she couldn’t trust this, it might not even be them that she didn’t trust them but the situation.</p>
<p>“I get it,” Matteo said gently.</p>
<p>“Ok, but when she’s eighteen and she needs somewhere to stay what do you do?” David asked Sandra.</p>
<p>“It’s not us anymore she’ll be supported by adult benefits,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>Which meant no support at all really, because they usually disappeared, usually got forgotten about.</p>
<p>“She’d be on the streets?” David asked.</p>
<p>“No… I don’t know,” Sandra admitted.</p>
<p>“You really just let them go?” David said. Matteo could tell he wasn’t trying to accuse her he was stressed about the current situation. He understood why Sandra would take offence though.</p>
<p>“No David,” she said, clearly annoyed, “I place them somewhere like this where that’s not an issue.”</p>
<p>“Ok everyone calm down,” Matteo appeased, “it’s a broken system but right now Alex’s situation is very real and very present. She needs our support right now we can’t fix everything all at once but we can help her.”</p>
<p>David looked contrite. “Sorry, Sandra sorry it’s just…”</p>
<p>“I know I get it,” she said.</p>
<p>“Ok, Alex what do you want to do? If it could be anything what do you want? forget about money and ageing out for a moment,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“You… you… never read my file,” Alex said quietly.</p>
<p>Matteo frowned. “No? I told you,” he said.</p>
<p>“You never read it, you just let me come into your home knowing nothing about me. You just took me in and… I was so rude and shitty,” she said.</p>
<p>“No Alex-”</p>
<p>“Yes I was and it was on purpose. I wanted to get it over and done with, just push you into sending me back you know? Realise how much I was to handle. But instead, you just sat with me, you let me slam the door in your face because I was freaking out and you got that I needed a minute and you gave it. You sat and you just fucking listened to me and no one’s ever listened like that. And David too that very first night you got back you talked about my mum with me, and then I fucking fell asleep. I actually fell asleep even though you were there and I didn’t even know you. Do you know how… oh… I can’t-”</p>
<p>Matteo was immediately in front of her. “Alex breathe. I need you to breathe. Forget about everything for a second just listen to me ok?”</p>
<p>She was too wound up. She didn’t sleep because she was afraid. And she’d let her guard down and it scared her. “I fell asleep- I- I-” </p>
<p>“It’s ok just take a deep breath,” he said.</p>
<p>“I’m not- I can’t-”</p>
<p>Matteo held out his hands and Alex took them, gripping tight. “Alex look at me,” he said.</p>
<p>“I…”</p>
<p>“Breathe,” Matteo whispered.</p>
<p>She took a deep breath then another. They were shaky but he felt her relaxing.</p>
<p>“I fell asleep and you did nothing, you just let me sleep, you didn’t touch me you just gave me a lamp and I-”</p>
<p>She stopped when David got up and walked out of the room.</p>
<p>“What?” she whispered.</p>
<p>“He’s scared, just give him a minute,” Matteo said. “Forget about him, a few more deep breaths for me ok?”</p>
<p>She followed his breathing for a few minutes before pulling her hands back and wiping her face. “Please let me stay,” she said.</p>
<p>“As long as you need, Alex I need to know what you meant just then,” Matteo said, glancing at Sandra and then back to Alex when she gave him nothing.</p>
<p>“It’s nothing,” Alex muttered.</p>
<p>“I don’t want you to feel unsafe here ever ok?” Matteo insisted.</p>
<p>“Nothing’s ever happened it’s just I know what can ok? I know just how fucking lucky I am too. It’s been drilled into me since I was eight to never fall asleep you know? Just in case. In some places there was the threat, it was very real and sometimes I didn’t even have a door and I was so scared, I just can't ever fall asleep,” she said.</p>
<p>“Good God Alex,” Matteo whispered, he couldn’t help it.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” she mumbled.</p>
<p>“Not your fault, you're ok? You're safe? Or you’re going to be?”</p>
<p>She nodded.</p>
<p>“And you feel safe enough, with us, David and me? You speak up now or if you want to talk to Sandra without us, if we’ve done anything to make you feel unsafe you voice it ok? Don’t worry about upsetting us you come first. Do you need a lock for your door? Or what can I do? How can I make you feel safe?” Matteo asked, he knew he was rambling but he was desperate now.</p>
<p>“You gave me a lamp,” Alex said, “David did because he realised I was scared and he wanted me to sleep well, it was automatic for him. He was putting me to bed like a child, like one of the kids and he wanted to make sure I wasn’t scared. I woke up in the middle of the night and I panicked but the lamp was on, I was tucked up safe in bed like I was little again, and I just knew, it wouldn’t even cross his mind to do anything but care for me or any of us. I know I’m seventeen but he sees me as a child, not in the bad way, in the good way. You both do, Matteo I’m not ready to grow up yet,” she said.</p>
<p>She needed them, she needed to stay here and be loved and cared for. To live the last of her childhood safe and happy, able to rely on them while she just got to figure out the important stuff. Work out who she was. Matteo couldn't help it, he rubbed his eyes furiously but it was no good the tears were falling.</p>
<p>“You’re such a wuss,” Alex muttered like she wasn’t also crying. “I do feel safe I think,” she said.</p>
<p>“You think?”</p>
<p>“I don’t even know what that feels like but I think this is it,” she said.</p>
<p>“Oh Alex,” Matteo whispered.</p>
<p>“So I can stay?”</p>
<p>“You can stay,” Sandra said, “This is the right choice,” she assured her.</p>
<p>“Ok then, ok,” Matteo said, letting out a deep breath.</p>
<p>“Don’t you have to ask more questions?” Alex checked, still nervous, not trusting the situation fully.</p>
<p>“I don’t think so, to know you’re safe here all I need to do is watch your interactions, it’s so clear to me that you’re going to be ok here,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>“And this is about you, you get to talk now Alex, I think the last assessment we had before you was Jake and he was maybe four and he barely talked and all the questions they had to ask him it was exhausting. But they have to ask in such careful ways with kids that age and it takes time and it’s arduous. It’s easier because you’re capable of speaking your own mind,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“That makes sense,” Alex said.</p>
<p>David burst back into the room then, didn't seem like he’d calmed down at all.</p>
<p>“Alex you have to stay-”</p>
<p>“She already said-”</p>
<p>“I know it’s a difficult choice but I swear to you, you can trust us, we can’t let you go ok?”</p>
<p>He got a little blind like this sometimes, so fixated on his point he ignored everyone. It was because he was worried about Alex, Matteo got it.</p>
<p>“David she said yes,” Matteo said gently, knowing he probably wasn’t going to listen until he’d finished saying whatever it was he’d thought of while he was out in the hallway.</p>
<p>“And I promise we’ll keep you safe, just give us a chance, if you need to leave and you've turned eighteen I swear right now that we will give you everything you need to do that ok? That would be our responsibility right, just like anyone else? We would find you a nice flat or something just please-” Matteo stood up and took his hands, leading him to the sofa.</p>
<p>“David babe, she’s staying,” he said, sitting down beside him.</p>
<p>David blinked at him, then blushed a little. “Oh ok then sorry,” he mumbled.</p>
<p>“Are you ok?” Alex asked, staring at him liked he’d gone a little mad. She looked pleased though, that he was so desperate for her to stay. No one had fought for her before. He was glad they could show her what that felt like. They would keep showing her until she got used to it. Until it became something she expected from them and was able to come to them for anything no matter how big the problem.</p>
<p>“I’m not good at this,” David muttered.</p>
<p>“This?”</p>
<p>“Staying calm, not completely overreacting when the kids are hurting, that includes you,” he said.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Alex said quietly, so pleased to be included in that. “I’m ok David,” she assured him.</p>
<p>“I know you are, you’re fantastic, I'm sorry for freaking out,” he said.</p>
<p>“No worries, I already told you you weren’t cool,” she teased.</p>
<p>David gave her a pointed look but didn't comment, he couldn’t exactly deny it. “So you’re staying?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Because I gave you a lamp?” David asked, a little behind on everything.</p>
<p>Matteo smirked, he couldn’t help it. “David pull yourself together she’s staying because she’s safe,” he said.</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah, ok.” He nodded and turned to Sandra, “Is this over? Can you leave us alone now?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Don’t be rude David,” Matteo scolded.</p>
<p>“No sorry,” Sandra said, “I gotta talk to you about school I’m afraid. They’ve called me,” she told them.</p>
<p>Matteo sighed, had been expecting this. They'd called him too and he’d said he’d get back to them. He just hadn’t said when.</p>
<p>“No please don’t,” Alex whispered. </p>
<p>He didn’t know what was going on at the school yet but he thought it was very unfair that she constantly had to be on her best behaviour when other kids got away with all sorts. Kids were kids and they were going to muck up sometimes, they were going to get in trouble. He thought she should also be able to argue with teachers or blow off a class every now and then, like all the other kids.</p>
<p>“They called me too,” Matteo told Sandra.</p>
<p>Alex looked between him and David nervously.</p>
<p>“We talked about it on Monday,” David said.</p>
<p>“We know she’s been skipping but she’s only been here a week,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“You knew,” Alex whispered.</p>
<p>“You’ve been coming home early, skipping your afternoon class right?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she admitted.</p>
<p>“We were going to give it to the end of the week in case it was just that you were still nervous to talk to us, I didn’t want to panic you but we were gonna sit you down on Friday and see what you needed us to do,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Do?”</p>
<p>“To help, with whatever the problem is, a teacher? Another student?”</p>
<p>“I… I…”</p>
<p>“You’re not automatically the problem Alex,” David said.</p>
<p>“But…”</p>
<p>“But?”</p>
<p>Alex shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, I'll just keep going,” she muttered. No one had ever made a fuss for her, defended her. She didn’t know how to take it.</p>
<p>“If they think you’re a problem just because of your background then they are not suitable to be your educators,” David said.</p>
<p>“It’s not even a big deal,” Alex said but it clearly was.</p>
<p>Maybe in the grand scheme of things, after everything else, this problem may seem small. Trivial, after everything she’d been through, but if it was upsetting her and they could fix it they would.</p>
<p>“Tell me anyway,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>Alex glanced around the room and Matteo realised she didn’t want to talk about it with Sandra there. She probably thought she was in trouble. She wasn’t, all they needed to know was why she was skipping and deal with from there. </p>
<p>She was a good student, good grades, doing well in most of her classes. There would be a good reason she was skipping. They hadn’t got too involved with the school yet, letting her settle in first. Didn’t mean they weren’t paying attention though.</p>
<p>“Ok ok,” Sandra said, sensing that Alex was probably more comfortable talking without her there. “Maybe this is more of a family discussion, as it should be, you got the school in hand?” she asked.</p>
<p>David nodded, “Yeah we’ll sort it,” he said.</p>
<p>“I know you will,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>“Ok, what’s left?” David asked. He was being a bit pushy. These assessments tended to bring out the worst in him. It was stressful being scrutinised like that. Not that that was what was happening this time. </p>
<p>But with Jake and Jamilah it had been intense. Those assessors hadn’t been as kind as Sandra, trying to trip them up, questioning them and their ability to parent. It was tough. Had had a permanent effect on both of them. Definitely made Matteo think about how he approached the parents, though he’d never been like that in the first place. Always tried to listen.</p>
<p>“Nothing really,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>“That’s the whole assessment?” David demanded.</p>
<p>He was just on edge, desperate for it to be over. Matteo agreed with him, Sandra was lovely but she wasn’t family and right now that was all they could face. Alex had been so scared before, so upset and they just needed family time for a while.</p>
<p>“Yes. It’s different than it was with Jake and Jamilah though. It was always going to be more of a conversation than anything else. I just had to gauge how well Alex is doing. I can see right away she is happy and unlike someone Jake’s age, she could say right here that she was unsafe and I would take her with me. But Alex you’re doing so well. You’ve settled in and I just know you’ve found a home here, yeah?”</p>
<p>Alex nodded furiously but didn’t say anything.</p>
<p>“You’re going to do great,” Sandra assured her, “honestly? I never thought you were in any danger the only reason I had to come and check was because you were so adamant that you weren’t staying and I promised to come back,” she reminded her.</p>
<p>“Yeah that’s true,” Alex said, smiling now as she thought about how much she’d changed her tune.</p>
<p>“All I need to you do is keep up your school hours because I have to come by a couple of times but essentially we’re good. I’ll be back here in maybe a month? Can’t tell you when until closer,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare come by at the crack of dawn! Or the middle of the night,” David warned.</p>
<p>“Just for you David,” she teased.</p>
<p>“Sorry, can I stay?” Alex checked worriedly.</p>
<p>“You can stay,” Sandra assured her.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Alex whispered.</p>
<p>“What for?” Sandra asked kindly.</p>
<p>“Knowing Matteo I guess, choosing him and David for me,” she said.</p>
<p>Sandra nodded and stood up. “Bye Alex, see you soon ok? You’re going to do great here,” she said.</p>
<p>“Bye Sandra,” Alex said.</p>
<p>Matteo stood up too and led Sandra to the door. </p>
<p>“You’re doing great, both of you. I knew you would but I didn’t realise how quick it would be,” she said, shrugging on her coat.</p>
<p>“I know, I’m kinda in shock myself,” Matteo admitted.</p>
<p>He had thought it would take a lot longer, a lot more work on their part to convince her. Not that he wasn’t willing to put in that effort, he absolutely was. They both were, it just seemed much easier than they’d been expecting. He was so glad, she deserved to leave her pain behind as quickly as possible. Deserved all the happiness in the world and they wanted to do anything she could to help her get there.</p>
<p>He knew there might still be hiccups, right now she trusted them but anything could happen, anytime she thought of her past would eat away at that trust again. Ultimately all they could do was be there for her, support her in everything and in time that trust would become so solid that nothing would affect it.</p>
<p>“I’m not. At all,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Sandra, thank you,” Matteo said quietly.</p>
<p>“It’s all just worked out perfect for you, you were ready at exactly the right time for her,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>“It’s perfect, she’s family already,” Matteo said. And it was the truth, she’d been there a week and a half but she would be their family forever. They were in this for the long haul, wanted to see her grow into the strong, kind woman she was destined to be. That they got to be a part of it was wonderful.</p>
<p>“Yeah exactly,” she agreed, “doing ok?”</p>
<p>“Yeah fine or…”</p>
<p>“Or?”</p>
<p>“We’re going to see Anna Galani at the weekend,” he admitted.</p>
<p>Anna was a child psychologist and therapist he’d worked with several times as a social worker. He’d discussed it with David and they’d decided to try someone familiar first, rather than someone unknown. It would be more comfortable. And Anna was kind and gentle, funny too, had an air of his mother about her. He thought she could do Jake some good. And David trusted him, said he’d go with who he suggested because he was an excellent judge of character.</p>
<p>“Child therapy? Oh… Jake?”</p>
<p>“Yeah nightmares,” Matteo admitted.</p>
<p>“It’ll be tough,” Sandra warned like he didn’t already know that. She was being kind though, meant nothing by it.</p>
<p>“I know,” he said.</p>
<p>“For you, it’ll be ok for Jake,” she assured him.</p>
<p>Deep down he knew that, had seen enough of these to know how they went down. There would be no dragging Jake through his trauma, it would be very gentle, careful. For Jake. For him and David it would be tough, they would be the ones who had to talk about the heavy stuff. And they would, of course, they would for Jake but it would be hard.</p>
<p>“Yeah she’s really good,” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>“She remembers you?” Sandra asked.</p>
<p>“Just about, called me a sweetie on the phone,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Everyone calls you a sweetie,” Sandra said.</p>
<p>“Well I mean you’ve met me right?” he teased.</p>
<p>“Matteo! But you’re doing the right thing, you know that right? I know Jake’s probably scared and that’s putting you off but he’ll get into it so quickly and by the end of the first session it won’t be scary for him anymore and you’ll be able to help,” she promised.</p>
<p>Matteo took her hand and squeezed it for a moment, smiling at her.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Sandra I guess I’ll see you randomly?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she said, winking at him.</p>
<p>“Don’t come at school rush time it’s already bad enough without you distracting the twins,” Matteo begged.</p>
<p>“I’ll swing by one evening,” she assured him.</p>
<p>Matteo gave her a quick hug then let her out. That had gone well, and so would the next assessment, he just knew it would. He headed back to the living room. Alex was in her chair, David on the sofa, both of them just chatting but waiting for him.</p>
<p>“Right school stuff,” Matteo said, sitting down next to David. Except now it felt like they were interviewing her or something. He got up and sat on the floor in the middle of the room, despite David pouting at him.</p>
<p>“Now?” Alex asked quietly.</p>
<p>“Let’s just get into it, vent to us Alex. We both hated school or no… we both had a lot of difficulty with it, so we’ll be on your side,” David assured her. He waited for her to get up and sit down by Matteo before joining the two of them. Matteo managed to refrain from snuggling against his husband but it was a close one.</p>
<p>“It’s really dumb,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Tell us anyway,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“There’s this photography competition here in Berlin, Youth Shots? And like the prize is money and a camera and like yeah I really want those but also like everyone’s photos get displayed in a gallery for a week and the top ten for a month and I really want to show my pictures, I know which ones and I made a portfolio and everything. I worked really hard,” she said.</p>
<p>Apart from the photo of her mum, Alex had not shown them any of her photos yet. She was serious about this he realised. He’d never doubted her, just couldn’t imagine at seventeen knowing what he wanted to do with such surety. David had though, they were very similar in that respect.</p>
<p>“That’s amazing,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“It has to be submitted through the school, it’s a school competition, all the schools can enter,” she explained.</p>
<p>“Ok?”</p>
<p>Alex looked at her hands for a moment, sighing heavily. “My teacher said no,” she said.</p>
<p>“Just no?” </p>
<p>“He said it didn’t fit in with the school or something, said my work was too urban,” she said.</p>
<p>David was up and pacing the room in a flash, Matteo just watched him, didn’t speak up, knew if anyone could get her venting it was David. “Oh, you are fucking kidding me?” David muttered.</p>
<p>“No,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“You know what he means?”</p>
<p>“Yeah too black, or poor, probably both,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Fuck sakes, I'm gonna talk to them,” David insisted.</p>
<p>“Ok,” Alex said, she looked confused but also delighted, amazed that he was going to fight for her. Excited that he was going to defend her and have a go at this teacher. And he would, oh boy, would he. This guy had no idea what was coming to him. No one crossed David when it came to the kids. Or him for that matter.</p>
<p>“How dare they?” David muttered pulling out his phone, “I’m calling right now,” he said.</p>
<p>“I don’t want any trouble,” Alex said, David couldn’t hear her, too focussed on his phone.</p>
<p>“There won’t be any trouble, I’ll keep him in check,” Matteo assured her, “can I see your photos?” he asked, trying to distract her, didn’t want her worrying about school. They would sort it.</p>
<p>She nodded at that and ran off, he heard her thundering up the stairs. She was a bit of a nerd about this stuff, so keen to show off her schoolwork, she was the same with her essays. He’d read several now and every time he said they were good she got so happy. It was beautiful really. </p>
<p>He watched his husband pacing the room with his phone pressed to his ear, scowling. A minute later Alex came back with a huge folder and pulled out some large photo prints. Even David stopped his pacing and came back over. He put the phone down and knelt down opposite her, arranging the photos and looking through them.</p>
<p>“Fuck Alex, these are amazing. You did these on your mum’s camera?”</p>
<p>“Yeah and I printed them at school, we have a studio,” she said.</p>
<p>“It’s an Aero X50,” David told him. Matteo just blinked. Was he supposed to know what that meant? He listened to David always but these things meant nothing to him. David’s photos and Alex’s were amazing. Wasn’t that enough? </p>
<p>“I used to have the X30 remember?” David asked, Matteo just stared, David had had so many cameras over the years, had raved about the particular features of each. Matteo got it, it was like computer specs to him but photography was far more complex in his opinion.</p>
<p>“That kinda lense is old now but it really adds to it,” David told Alex. </p>
<p>Matteo just looked at the photos, he loved them but couldn’t see what David saw. The one in front of him was black and white, a little girl running along with a pink balloon trailing behind her, the only splash of colour in the whole picture. It was really cool, really clever. He picked up another one. A busy street in the city, by a station, so many people milling about and one man stood out by himself. Lonely. That’s how Matteo felt when he looked at them, that was clever of Alex to capture that feeling.</p>
<p>David took the one from his hand. “Do you see the man? How he’s still and everyone else is moving about?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Rushing?</p>
<p>“Yeah because of the blur,” David explained.</p>
<p>Matteo knew there was probably more to it than that but he got what he was saying. “And he’s still,” he said quietly.</p>
<p>“Do you like it?” Alex asked.</p>
<p>“It’s very clever Alex, I really like it,” he told her and she smiled so widely her whole face changed. She looked so young and free in her delight. How infrequently had she been praised for her work? Matteo wished he had something more constructive to say.</p>
<p>“This is fantastic Alex, these absolutely need to be shown off, you need to get them into a gallery. I’m going to sort this right now,” David insisted, “tell me about this teacher.”</p>
<p>“He’s my art teacher. Mr Waters, he runs a photography club, I used to go after school on Tuesdays but…”</p>
<p>“He sounds like an ass,” David muttered, pulling out his phone again.</p>
<p>“Based on what exactly?” Matteo asked him.</p>
<p>“Based on the fact he can’t see true art when it’s staring him in the face,” David huffed, he turned to Alex, “I’m coming to the school with you tomorrow and I will tell this amateur photographer just what I think.”</p>
<p>“David just to be clear you’re not a professional photographer either,” Matteo reminded him, he loved to see his husband get so wound up like this, so passionate. I would be good for Alex to see it too.</p>
<p>“I like to think I know a little more about art and photography than this racist prick,” David continued, looking something up on his phone.</p>
<p>“Try to keep calm, call beforehand ok?” Matteo insisted.</p>
<p>“Yeah yeah I'll call now, who the fuck does he think he is? My child, not a photographer? If he knew who he was dealing with? Not a photographer? Too urban? You know what? I bet I know the organisers of this, you said Youth Shots? Haven’t I sponsored them before or something?”</p>
<p>He wasn’t actually asking them but it did sound familiar. Matteo vaguely remembered attending an event a few years back for some youth photography competition, there was a media aspect to it too, that’s why David had been invited. Film and photography, making it accessible to the young people of the city. It was so shitty that the teachers were able to stop them entering. He was annoyed too but David would sort this far better than him. Was better at confronting people and putting them in their place.</p>
<p>“When did he say no?” Matteo asked Alex while David tried to get through to the school.</p>
<p>“Like a couple of weeks ago,” she said.</p>
<p>So before they were even on the scene, maybe David could stop acting like it was an affront to the entire family to suggest one of them may not be skilled in photography. Especially as the teacher didn’t even know who was caring for Alex now. It was funny to watch him though, Alex was clearly amused.</p>
<p>“He’s gonna embarrass you probably,” Matteo warned, “he’s actually going to go in there and pull the whole ‘do you know who I am?’ schtick.”</p>
<p>Alex nodded but she was smiling at the idea, she hadn't stopped smiling since Matteo had said he liked her photos.</p>
<p>“Probably but it's ok, I want him to. Matteo, I really wanna do the competition, I wanna make my mum proud, she would have loved this I think,” Alex said quietly.</p>
<p>“She would have,” Matteo agreed. “She would have loved these,” he said, gesturing to her work. “We’ll sort it I promise, if they say no David’s gonna end up setting up his own school just so you can enter. Not really but we will figure something out, he does know the organisers I think. We need to sort it with your school because Mr Waters is not ok to treat you like this. But maybe after we could sort it out so that it doesn’t have to be done through the school. When’s the deadline?” he asked. </p>
<p>“Two weeks,” she said.</p>
<p>That was plenty of time. David wasn’t going to let this go, would have it sorted by the end of the week. “Ok, we’ll sort it, so that’s it the only problem at school?”</p>
<p>“I know its dumb,” she said.</p>
<p>“Not dumb at all, I get it, it must have made you not want to bother going back at all.”</p>
<p>It wasn’t stupid for her to feel this way, she’d tried her best, put all that effort in and to be dismissed like that? He understood exactly why she felt like not trying.</p>
<p>“I haven't been to art or the photography club since, why should I bother?”</p>
<p>Matteo got exactly why David was so angry, those kinds of comments from a teacher could put a kid off their passion, it was awful. If they weren’t there what would’ve happened? She wouldn’t have entered the competition. She might’ve even given up.</p>
<p>“This is really good Alex, I can't see it critically like David does but I can tell you how it makes me feel?” he asked, picking up another photo. This time it was an empty street, there was something about the angle that drew his eye. It felt unsettling.</p>
<p>“Ok,” she said.</p>
<p>“Lonely,” he told her.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“And small?”</p>
<p>“That’s the angle,” she explained, moving so she was sitting next to him.</p>
<p>“It’s like it’s taken by a child or no… from a child’s view? Perspective? A lonely child?”</p>
<p>“Exactly see you do know something,” she said.</p>
<p>“His fault,” Matteo said, pointing at David who was talking on the phone now. At least he wasn’t yelling. “Can I see some more?” </p>
<p>“Yeah here.” Alex opened the folder and spread them out, letting Matteo pick them up in turn. They were all similar but different, all scenes from around the city. There was something very familiar to it. </p>
<p>“Is there a theme?” he asked.</p>
<p>“What would you guess?”</p>
<p>“Like… kinda they all seem lonely, even the ones with lots of people those people are busy and not stopping to take the time to look around or talk to each other. Does that make sense?”</p>
<p>“Yes it’s called Lonely City,” she told him.</p>
<p>“Oh Alex, that’s so good, these are so good, you can do this you know? Don’t let some jumped up teacher tell you otherwise. You hadn’t shown us anything till now but I was ready to support you, help you get good at this because it’s your passion, but you already are. You have such an artful eye ok?”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” she said.</p>
<p>David marched over and sat down opposite them. “They won’t let me in until Friday,” he huffed.</p>
<p>“Rude of them,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>David ignored him. “You finish at one on a Friday right?” he asked Alex.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Ok my appointment is midday I can bring you home after if you like, save you getting the bus,” David offered.</p>
<p>“Unless you wanted to do something with your friends, as it’s Friday,” Matteo suggested. Just because they didn’t get out much didn’t mean Alex didn’t want to.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah Friday nights,” David said wistfully like he didn’t love curling up on the sofa just as much as Matteo did.</p>
<p>“I…”</p>
<p>“No pressure but you can go to parties and stuff, I did say that was allowed right? As long as you’re honest with us and you let us know where you are, and get us to pick you up. You’re allowed to do fun shit, whatever that is these days,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>“Parties aren’t really my scene could maybe, could my friend Nida come over? We’ll just watch movies,” she asked.</p>
<p>She’d mentioned Nida before, the one with the controlling parents. “Do I need to talk to her parents first?”</p>
<p>“Yeah you will, they’re really strict, controlling. But they should let her, she just has to be home by eight,” she said.</p>
<p>“Eight?” David demanded.</p>
<p>“I got you, I'll be chill, at least you’ll get the afternoon yeah?”</p>
<p>Matteo’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, it was his mama texting him.</p>
<p>“Uh oh they’re on their way back already,” he warned them.</p>
<p>David chuckled.</p>
<p>“Alex, would you like to meet my mama? I told her to feed the kids but to come have dinner with us. That ok?”</p>
<p>“Yeah ok,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“She is so kind Alex you have nothing to worry about, you’ll like her I promise,” David said.</p>
<p>“Ok,” Alex said, she didn’t sound very nervous either.</p>
<p>“I mean she’s Matteo’s mum so obviously she’s gonna be good,” David continued</p>
<p>“True,” Alex agreed.</p>
<p>Matteo looked up from the photos then, frowning at both of them. “What does that even mean?” he asked.</p>
<p>“If it’s a reflection of your character she’s gonna be kind,” Alex said.</p>
<p>Matteo smiled at that. His phone buzzed again. “The kids have eaten but they’re pretty excited, you ok for a late dinner Alex?” he asked.</p>
<p>“It’s fine but I do have homework,” she said.</p>
<p>“Wanna bring it down? You can do some in here before dinner,” David suggested.</p>
<p>“No I'll do it later,” she said, “after dinner.”</p>
<p>“You’re still staying up all night?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>The doorbell rang and David got up, heading to the door to greet his mother and the kids. Alex just shrugged but Matteo raised an eyebrow. He didn’t mind her staying up late if she wasn't tired. He knew she struggled with sleep but he did not want her up all night studying. Forcing herself to stay awake just because of homework wasn’t fair.</p>
<p>“Deadline?”</p>
<p>“Last week,” she admitted.</p>
<p>“You weren’t in,” Matteo said, frowning. That didn’t seem right.</p>
<p>She shrugged again.</p>
<p>“Have they not given you an extension?” Matteo asked, surely they would understand, she’d been pulled out of a dangerous situation, everything had been up in the air for her. How could she be expected to keep on track with homework?</p>
<p>“No,” Alex said.</p>
<p>Matteo figured out what was going on. “Did you ask?”</p>
<p>“No,” Alex admitted.</p>
<p>He nodded. “Okay chill with us until dinner, then do what you can tonight but sleep ok? I'd like it if you went to bed before eleven but midnight at the very latest. At least stop doing homework. You’re up so early, if you don’t get it done I'll call the school in the morning ok? Let me explain what’s going on to the teacher. It might not work but they should be understanding. Things have been disrupted but you’re settled now you should get back on track if they give you a little breathing space. They should’ve been told already but maybe they didn’t think to give you a bit of a break to catch up,” he explained.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Alex said, looking relieved.</p>
<p>“Papa! Papa!” Jamilah came running into the room and jumped on him, Jake followed and clambered up too. Matteo turned them, “look what came today,” he said.</p>
<p>“The dollhouse!” Jamilah jumped up, “Jakey quick come look,” she insisted.</p>
<p>“Oh wow,” he whispered, taking Jamilah’s hand.</p>
<p>David walked in with his mum, holding Matty.</p>
<p>“Oh that is beautiful, like your grandmother’s,” his mama said.</p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s what I told David,” Matteo told her, “Come say hi to Alex,” he said.</p>
<p>“I can’t get down there Matteo,” she teased but she came over and stood over them. “Hello Alex, it’s wonderful to finally meet you.”</p>
<p>Alex looked nervous now but she stood up anyway. It was a little awkward, normally his mama would offer a hug but she understood the situation.</p>
<p>“Er hi…”</p>
<p>“The kids call me nana but Sophie’s ok too,” she said.</p>
<p>“Hi Sophie,” Alex said, shyly. </p>
<p>Matteo had never seen her like this but his mama tended to have that effect on people.</p>
<p>“Come sit with me on the sofa, come and let me get to know you,” she said, making her way over to the sofa and settling down.</p>
<p>Alex followed her over but didn’t say anything. David just winked and sat down opposite them on the other sofa.</p>
<p>Matteo went over to Jake and Jamilah who were standing by the dollhouse, Jamilah watching Jake eagerly as he ran his hands gently over the front. Matteo couldn’t even imagine slapping his hands away, the thought made him shudder. He was just touching, it was how kids explored. How could anyone get angry at that? </p>
<p>“Did you have fun at nana’s?” </p>
<p>“Yeah, nana taught us to knit,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“No way?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she insisted, making the motions with her hands.</p>
<p>“Maybe you could knit clothes for the dolls?” he suggested, no idea if it was possible, sounded too fiddly to him.</p>
<p>“Oh! Yes! That’s genius! Nana can you show me?” she asked, running over. His mama patted the couch and Jamilah climbed up and sat beside her, reaching over and waving at Alex. “Alex is my big sister,” she said.</p>
<p>“I know,” his mama said, in a patient tone that indicated she’d heard this all afternoon.</p>
<p>“Yep and she’s super cool, tell nana how cool you are,” Jamilah demanded.</p>
<p>“Er…”</p>
<p>“Why don’t you tell me, like you told me earlier,” his mama said, sensing that Alex wouldn’t want to answer that.</p>
<p>“Alex is seventeen and super tall. She’s a vegetarian and she has the best most colourful hair in the world. She’s strong and she can carry me and she gives really good hugs even though she doesn’t like to be hugged so much. That just means its super special when she does. She’s so pretty and beautiful. And she’s mean to me but nice to Jake which is the perfect way to be,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“I’m not mean to you,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Like a nice mean?”</p>
<p>“She argues with Jamilah,” David clarified, “they love to argue.”</p>
<p>“Yeah!” Jamilah agreed.</p>
<p>“Well I don’t need to argue with Jake he’s sweet,” Alex said, waving at him. </p>
<p>Jake waved back. “I’m sweet,” he said, turning back to the dolls house.</p>
<p>“You’re the sweetest, you can touch Jakey,” Matteo encouraged, unlatching the front and opening it.</p>
<p>“Oh wow!” Jake whispered, picking up one of the dolls.</p>
<p>“Cool?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Jake said. </p>
<p>Matteo took the dolls he handed him and watched him arranging them in whatever scenario he was imagining. He seemed to be sitting them down for dinner. </p>
<p>Back on the couched Alex reached across his mama and poked Jamilah’s tummy until she giggled crawled onto his mama’s lap to tickle Alex back.</p>
<p>“Well Alex that’s quite a lovely description, it’s wonderful to finally meet you. My Matteo’s been talking about you all week,” his mama said.</p>
<p>“He has?” Alex asked.</p>
<p>“Oh yes, he’s so happy you’re here,” she assured her, “and so am I. I was so excited when he called.”</p>
<p>“Shoot I should call my parents and tell them,” David said suddenly.</p>
<p>Matteo chuckled but his mama looked shocked. “David,” she scolded.</p>
<p>She knew there were difficulties between them but it was so hard for her to imagine, couldn’t understand his parents at all, struggled to grasp how they’d turned him away. She believed him, agreed with him, she didn’t doubt him for a second but she couldn’t comprehend that they’d turned him away.</p>
<p>“Oh, why should we bother? Then you’d have to see them, Alex, you don’t want that,” David said.</p>
<p>“Daddy doesn’t like grandpa and grandma,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“I do,” David insisted, “it’s just they’re a lot. Like this, we could never just sit and hang out like this, they’d ask you a billion questions, scrutinize you, make you uncomfortable and like that’s what you need you right now.”</p>
<p>“You should still tell them,” his mother said.</p>
<p>“I know, I don’t care about you meeting them though. You will but there’s no rush. I do want you to meet Laura soon, she’s excited,” David said.</p>
<p>“Surprised she’s not here yet,” his mum said.</p>
<p>“She’s giving me a few days to get settled, she wants us to come over at the weekend,” David told her.</p>
<p>Laura was going to take all of them while they took Jake to therapy and then they were going over too and they’d all have dinner. It would be nice, they just had to get through therapy first.</p>
<p>“How was the meeting with social services?” mama asked him.</p>
<p>“They’re letting me stay,” Alex said, so happy and excited, she hi-fived Jamilah who was grinning.</p>
<p>“Was that ever a worry?”</p>
<p>“Not really,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“It was all up to Alex really,” David said.</p>
<p>“And I wanted to stay,” she said.</p>
<p>“Any more assessments?”</p>
<p>“Two at school, random and then maybe one more here in a month but er… she can pretty much stay as long as she wants,” Matteo told her.</p>
<p>“Perfect,” his mum said.</p>
<p>“I wanted to see Sandra, I wanted to show her how big I am,” Jamilah said, pouting slightly.</p>
<p>“I know but she was here for work sweetheart and it makes Jakey nervous,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>Jake was a little scared of Sandra, she’d been there for a few of his assessments. Even though she’d been gentle with him it had been a stressful time. The overwhelming fear that he would be sent back had loomed over all of them.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to be taken away,” Jake said, crawling into his lap, dolls still clutched tightly in his hands.</p>
<p>“Never gonna happen,” Matteo promised.</p>
<p>“Yeah, Jakey you are here forever. Even when you're like thirty and you’re like ‘please dad can I leave? I’m an adult’ we'll just say no you gotta stay, you said you wanted to stay forever,” David teased. </p>
<p>Jake laughed and curled up in his arms, safe and happy. Matteo just rocked him gently while he played with the dolls, waving them about. He felt so relieved this day was almost over. It had been tough. Tougher than he’d expected. He still felt rough from the heavy weekend of emotion and this hadn’t helped one bit. But Alex was staying. Alex was safe. She was happy and calm, chatting away with his mama and Jamilah, just where she belonged.</p>
<p>Later when the kids were all tucked up in bed, David, his mama and Alex sat at the kitchen counter going over her art essay while Matteo threw together some dinner for them. Just pasta and tomatoes, nice and simple. He’d insisted on cooking something for them but the moment he’d gotten into the kitchen it was like all his energy left him. He felt off again, a bit tired, drained really. He wasn’t actually sure if his energy levels had picked up yet. </p>
<p>He glanced at the clock and realised he’d gotten used to going to bed around the same time as the kids. That was probably part of it.</p>
<p>“Ok I’m liking what you’ve got so far but the title is truth in art so let's subvert it, let’s talk about deception in art too,” David said.</p>
<p>“Oh I like it, David,” his mama said.</p>
<p>“Yeah no that’s cool,” Alex agreed, “really cool.”</p>
<p>“How about-”</p>
<p>“Wait let me write my ideas first?” Alex said, she was so smart, they were helping but this was her essay, her ideas. </p>
<p>“Yeah course go for it,” David said.</p>
<p>Matteo glanced round from the stove to see all three of them huddled together, Alex scribbling away at something. They were such nerds the lot of them. He smiled fondly though, his pretentious artist nerds. David glanced up at him and winked. Matteo just smiled, swaying slightly from tiredness then turned back to the stove. He turned the heat down on the tomatoes and moved to the far counter to chop some onion and garlic but suddenly his hands were trembling and he couldn’t focus. </p>
<p>He felt completely drained. He had no energy left. He shouldn't have insisted on making dinner, David had offered. So had his mama. He hated feeling weak and he’d assured them he was fine. </p>
<p>He dropped the knife and couldn’t bring himself to pick it up just stood there over the chopping board just staring at it. He didn’t notice the chatter stopping behind him until David’s arms looped around him and he hooked his chin over his shoulder.</p>
<p>“I don’t know what's wrong,” Matteo mumbled.</p>
<p>“You were stressed and now you’re not,” David said.</p>
<p>“I wasn’t stressed, I've done hundreds of assessments and we had a ton with Jake and Jammy,” Matteo said. </p>
<p>He had been stressed though, anxious and worried. Now it was over it was like he was realising just how worried he’d been and it was exhausting. All his adrenaline, that kept him going in the moment, had faded and he had nothing left.</p>
<p>“And they were so much fun?” David asked as he began to chop the vegetables, not moving away from him, just reaching around so Matteo felt held.</p>
<p>Matteo leant into him and just watched him work. “I dunno I was just doing ok,” he said quietly but he knew that wasn’t quite how it worked. And so much was going on in their lives right now. It was unsurprising that he was struggling.</p>
<p>“And now you're not, it happens,” David said, kissing his cheek.</p>
<p>“I know but I just wanted to enjoy you being back,” Matteo said, he’d been waiting so long for this but now that David was back he felt like he was missing him, not able to be fully present with him or the kids.</p>
<p>“But I'm back for ages and I'm having a good time, I’m happy, assessments aside are you?” David asked.</p>
<p>Matteo thought about it, now that the assessment was over he felt better, this was just left over from that. But then on Saturday, they had therapy with Jake, there was just so much right now he felt like he couldn’t handle it. David was here though, David was with him, could help with some of the heavy lifting for a while. </p>
<p>He’d also pushed out a couple of his own appointments in all the rush, he’d have to get back on that, talk all this through with Nina.</p>
<p>“Yeah no I am, I am. I need you here David, I was so lonely.”</p>
<p>“I know baby, I know but I'm here.” </p>
<p>Matteo watched David toss the onions and garlic in the pan. They watched it quietly for a while before David transferred it to the sauce. He always did know what he was doing, no matter how much he protested. Matteo gestured to the pasta and David took the hint, grabbing it from the stove and draining it, somehow managing to do all this without moving too far from Matteo.</p>
<p>“Leave some-” </p>
<p>“I know, leave some water for the sauce,” David said, trying to prove that he always listened.</p>
<p>Matteo grinned at him and moved close again. “I’m ok, I’m not ok right this second but in general I am,” he said.</p>
<p>“I know you are,” David said.</p>
<p>“Saturday is going to be bad though,” Matteo admitted, putting it out there now, warning David that he was probably going to have to take over for a bit. Like he’d been trying to do all week. Matteo knew he needed to stop resisting, stop pushing himself.</p>
<p>“With Jake? Therapy?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Yeah it’ll be rough but we got this,” David assured him, “grab the sauce?”</p>
<p>Matteo handed him the pan, then grabbed the bowls, the shaking had gone as soon as it had come. As soon as David had wrapped his arms around him. He took the bowls to the counter. “Take a break?” he told Alex, passing her and his mama a bowl.</p>
<p>“But I'm on a roll, Matteo I have so many ideas,” she said, she really was scribbling away.</p>
<p>“I know that feeling,” David said, coming over with the food.</p>
<p>“Yeah and I've seen you work yourself to exhaustion,” Matteo reminded him, “so what’s it going to be?”</p>
<p>“Don’t worry Alex darling, you’re still young, your memory’s good enough to take twenty minutes, feed your brain love,” his mama said.</p>
<p>Alex moved her books to the other counter. “Yeah ok, I'm starving,” she said.</p>
<p>“Yes you’re still growing, and you’re so tall. You need all that energy, nothing better than pasta for that,” his mama said.</p>
<p>David dished up the pasta then sat down next to Matteo. When Matteo leant against him he gently pushed him upright, “eat first Teo,” he insisted.</p>
<p>Slowly he began to eat, not feeling up to talking and focusing on the food, so he stayed quiet. He was so tired everything felt heavy again but it would pass he knew it would. His mama reached over and brushed his hair out of his face.</p>
<p>“Ok?”</p>
<p>“I’m ok, I'm fine mama,” he said.</p>
<p>“Ok dear,” she said, “this is good David.”</p>
<p>“I cooked it,” Matteo reminded her.</p>
<p>“No, I did,” David teased.</p>
<p>“I mean Matteo started it,” Alex chipped in.</p>
<p>“Oi, you! Don’t take sides,” David said, pointing at her.</p>
<p>Alex just laughed, “just saying.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, Alex, I'm glad you appreciate who really feeds you,” Matteo said. </p>
<p>David just shoved at him but didn’t argue further. After a minute Matteo reached out to Alex and placed a gentle hand on her wrist, knowing she wouldn’t flinch at that, he’d done it enough times that she was used to it by now. “Slow down,” he reminded her, it made his heart ache the way she ate like she didn’t know when she would get to eat again. All they could do was try to assure her that wouldn’t happen again.</p>
<p>He knew she was hoarding food upstairs too, he didn’t go in her room without permission so he’d just asked her not to keep anything perishable or anything that would go off and make the room smell. She’d just looked relieved that he wasn't going to take the food back.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” she said quietly.</p>
<p>“It’s not a problem, I just don’t want you giving yourself a stomachache, I want you to enjoy my delicious cooking. You can have as much food as you want,” he reminded her.</p>
<p>“And don’t forget if you get hungry at any point during the day, or you fancy a late-night snack help yourself,” David said.</p>
<p>“Yeah like no coffee late at night but anything else feel free,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Yeah you said but it’s still…”</p>
<p>“I get it,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I think you’ll get used to it slowly. But you must be starving all the time at your age, I know I was so you gotta eat, my thing was cereals, I would just eat bowls of the stuff,” David said.</p>
<p>“I will... I just... yeah…” She focussed on the bowl in front of her, trying to pace herself.</p>
<p>His mama patted her arm gently. “It’s ok sweetheart, you’ve just gotten very used to things being one way. Fear of being hungry is a terrible thing and will probably be something you have to deal with for a long time. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get used to another way of things,” she said.</p>
<p>Alex smiled at her. “Yeah,” she said, “I can… when… when I first got here and there were no locks on the cupboards or the fridge I just couldn’t believe it, that you would just let us in here and help ourselves. I’ve never lived anywhere like that, not since my mum’s place.”</p>
<p>“I mean technically there are locks on all the cupboards, the child locks,” Matteo said, “they’ve stopped grown men in their tracks.”</p>
<p>“They have? David?”</p>
<p>“It was one time and I was starving and I just wanted some crisps,” David muttered.</p>
<p>“He was so proud he wouldn’t come get me for help,” Matteo said, making everyone laugh, even David. “But also the first thing we did when we put them on, was show Jake how to open them because locks on cupboards are a thing for him. The knives are kept way out of reach, as are the cleaning things. Also, they’re never really unsupervised in here. The locks are really just to stop Mimmo getting stuck in the cupboards or trapping his fingers. But we made sure to show the twins how to get them open if they did want food.”</p>
<p>“They never really do though do they? Just demand we feed them instead,” David said.</p>
<p>“That’s true,” Matteo agreed. “But we would never lock food away, I still can’t understand why anyone would. Well, I do but there’s no good reason for it.”</p>
<p>“It’s just going to take a bit of getting used to,” Alex said.</p>
<p>It was tough but she would adapt and hopefully, soon she would feel comfortable enough helping herself to whatever they had. It was a fear she had to unlearn and it would take time. But they were willing to encourage her.</p>
<p>After dinner Matteo let Alex go up to work on her homework with the promise that she would try to go to bed around eleven. David followed her up to check on the kids and then listen to her outline the points she was going to make and check over the structure, then he’d let her get into it and read it over when she was done.</p>
<p>“What?” Matteo asked, his head currently on the kitchen counter, the heaviness was back more than ever. His mama was still there sitting with him. He loved her so much and wanted her company but right now all he wanted to do was go to bed.</p>
<p>“I’m just so proud of you Matteo,” she said gently.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Both of you, you’ve done such good things, Alex, Jamilah, Jake and Matty you should be proud too, what a wonderful family you’ve created. Such smart happy children, they’re going to go on to have such happy lives, and that’s because of you,” she said.</p>
<p>Usually, he’d shrug off a comment like that but from his mama he couldn’t. She was so sincere, had such faith in him, she loved him so much. She’d raised him the best she could in the circumstances she’d been dealt and he’d never brush off any comment she made on his parenting. She’d had a lot of problems, had needed far more support than she’d gotten but she was a good mother. He trusted her judgment always.</p>
<p>“Thanks, mama,” he said, still not able to lift his head.</p>
<p>“Always darling,” she said, kissing his cheek.</p>
<p>“Did Jamilah really knit?” he asked, trying to keep a conversation going, even though it was taking everything he had.</p>
<p>“She made the tiniest scarf, she’s going to keep working on it next time she’s over,” she told him.</p>
<p>“Awesome,” he mumbled.</p>
<p>“You’re making me tired darling, are you sure you’re ok?” she asked, unable to hide the worry in her voice.</p>
<p>“Just tired I… I'm recovering if that makes sense?”</p>
<p>“From David being away?”</p>
<p>“I know it’s dumb,” he said, finally lifting his head and trying to ignore the building headache.</p>
<p>“Not at all, Matteo it’s perfectly understandable. If you feel exhausted and it’s because David was away then that’s what it is. David was across the world from you and you missed him, you had kids here who missed him too and probably constantly reminded you of the fact that he wasn’t here. But remember you actually did really well those first three months. You coped, you did what you needed to do, you kept busy, you did lots at the school. </p>
<p>“You checked in with me, with Laura, with your friends because you knew you’d struggle being alone. And of course, you did fantastically with the kids. You did everything right. You had a plan, it was when that plan changed that the cracks appeared. I know you like having set times and deadlines, you always have even when you were little. You always needed the routine. One time the heating broke at your primary school and you had to be off for three days. You know most kids at that age can barely keep track of the days? I remember when I was still working and when I sent the kids home on a Friday they would still say ‘see you tomorrow Mrs Florenzi,’ you know what I mean?”</p>
<p>“Yeah Jake has no idea, Jamilah more so but she forgets too,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Exactly they know their days and their routines they get that there’s no school on weekends but school still seems like an everyday thing. So if Jamilah for whatever reason wasn’t at school tomorrow she’d just assume it was the weekend or something. But you. The idea of not going to school on a Wednesday when it wasn't a set holiday threw you completely,” she said.</p>
<p>“Did I kick off?” Matteo asked, vaguely remembering what she was talking about. </p>
<p>“No nothing like that but you fought me on it, couldn’t understand why I wasn’t taking you in. I don’t even think you liked school that much but it was the change in your routine, it really bothered you. </p>
<p>“Even now, you’re more flexible with all sorts, look how quickly you’ve adjusted to Alex but something like David changing the day he was coming home? That was always going to mess you up. When you’d been waiting that long, when he was so far away and he couldn’t give you a definite answer on when he was coming back. Of course, it was hard. It’s perfectly understandable that you’re so tired by all this. But he’s home now you just gotta rest until you feel better,” she said running her hand through his hair. He just sighed and let her, resting his head back on the counter until David came back and he could go to bed. </p>
<p>She didn’t need him to talk, didn’t need him to force himself to make conversation. He was her son, she knew him so well, was happy to sit quietly with him just comforting him as best she could.</p>
<p>“You want me to drive you home Sophie?” David offered when he came back into the room.</p>
<p>“Why?” she asked amused.</p>
<p>“You know, it’s late,” David said.</p>
<p>“Is this a comment on my age?”</p>
<p>“No! No not at all,” David insisted.</p>
<p>“I’m ok to drive back thank you, David. But I best get going it is getting late, it’s past my bedtime, past yours too, Matteo,” she said.</p>
<p>“Funny,” he muttered.</p>
<p>She just kissed his cheek and allowed David to show her out. Matteo heard David trying again to offer her a lift. He came back into the kitchen. “I’m just going to drive your mum home,” he said.</p>
<p>“Wow, she relented?”</p>
<p>“Yeah back in ten,” he said.</p>
<p>“Ok,” Matteo said, dragging himself up from the counter and loading the dishwasher before heading upstairs. That was all he could manage right now. David would get the lights when he got him.</p>
<p>“It’s only nine-thirty,” Alex called out from her room. </p>
<p>Matteo headed to her door.</p>
<p>“I know, can I open the door?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” </p>
<p>He pushed the door open slightly and stood in the doorway. She glanced at him. “You look so tired man,” she said.</p>
<p>“Feel it too,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Getting old?”</p>
<p>“Funny. No I was talking with mama it’s just fall out from David being away it’ll pass, this weekend was a lot you know?” he said, leaving heavily against the door frame.</p>
<p>“Yeah I guess, I like your mum Matteo, she’s nice.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“I can see why you are the way you are,” Alex said.</p>
<p>Matteo frowned. “What way is that?”</p>
<p>“Gentle, soft-spoken, patient” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Yeah just similar to her I guess,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Your dad?”</p>
<p>“Not around so much, left when I was sixteen, he’s ok, he’s not a bad man. He’s a better grandfather than he ever was a dad,” Matteo told her.</p>
<p>“Will I meet him?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, he lives in Rome but I told him about you and that he has to come meet you once you’re settled, he’s excited,” Matteo said. </p>
<p>His dad still lived in Rome but he visited often, still visited his mama too. They were still friends even after everything. But most of all he loved to visit the kids.</p>
<p>“Really?”</p>
<p>“Yeah he loves to spoil the kids, you’ll just be another kid to him, like I know you’re seventeen but he’s in his sixties so<em> I'm</em> still a kid to him. He spoils all of you, but it’s ok. It’s different to David’s parents,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“How so?” Alex asked.</p>
<p>Matteo didn’t think he could stand up much longer, he was about to sit on the floor but Alex stopped him.</p>
<p>“Come sit here,” she said, pointing to the bean bag chairs, “if you can get up from them, she teased.</p>
<p>“I can get up from the floor Alex,” he said, sitting down. These were good, he sank right into the chair, it was very comfortable. “David’s parents buy the kids things because they don’t know what else to do with them, like how to behave around them you know?” </p>
<p>“And your dad?”</p>
<p>“He buys them toys so he can play with them too, he’s just a big kid really. He bought Jakey this playdoh kit, massive thing, when he was five and honestly he enjoyed it way more than he did, him and David both,” Matteo told her.</p>
<p>“They get on?”</p>
<p>“Oh yeah big time, he needed a father figure when we were younger and my dad stepped up, loves David,” he said, his eyes drifting shut.</p>
<p>“That’s nice, hey don’t fall asleep,” Alex warned.</p>
<p>Matteo heard the front door open and heard David shuffling around downstairs. “David can carry me to bed,” he said, sinking further into the chair, he really was close to sleep.</p>
<p>“Lame,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Essay going ok?”</p>
<p>“Yeah I can’t get it done for tomorrow but I'm going to finish it for Friday and then David’s gonna go in and tell Waters off and it’ll be the ultimate fuck you,” she said.</p>
<p>Matteo grinned. “Nice.”</p>
<p>“Hey Alex, may I come in and collect my husband?” David asked from the doorway.</p>
<p>“You may,” she said.</p>
<p>“Hey babe,” he said walking over.</p>
<p>“Mama ok?”</p>
<p>“Yeah I'll take her car round in the morning, you want a lift to school Alex?” David asked, pulling Matteo up, Matteo immediately leant into him.</p>
<p>“Is it on the way?”</p>
<p>“No, but if I'm up I don’t mind, I can drop off the twins too and you can sleep in,” David said to him.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” Matteo insisted.</p>
<p>“You can sleep in for once in your life, no one will mind,” David said.</p>
<p>“Ok thank you that’ll be good.” Right now that did sound incredible, he was so tired, just the idea of a lazy morning lifted some of that heaviness.</p>
<p>“Ok come on you,” David said, pulling Matteo to the door, “night Alex, bed by eleven ok?”</p>
<p>“Ok, good night guys,” she said, turning back to her desk.</p>
<p>David guided Matteo to their room and shoved him onto the bed when they got there.</p>
<p>“Hey!” Matteo exclaimed.</p>
<p>David just grinned and pulled off his shirt.</p>
<p>“I talked to Sandra when I was showing her out,” Matteo said quietly, as much as he wanted to sleep he just need to talk about this one last thing.</p>
<p>“Mmm?”</p>
<p>“She agreed about Jake, said we were right,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Ah,” David said, he climbed onto the bed and pulled Matteo’s sweater off.</p>
<p>Matteo shoved him away to get changed properly. Then he laid down beside him. The minute David pulled him close all that heaviness lifted again. He was still tired but it wasn’t as consuming as before, he had a little energy left to talk. “Ok?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course, nervous that’s all, for Jake,” David explained.</p>
<p>“It’ll be different, child therapy is really different to anything you’ve done,” Matteo assured him.</p>
<p>David nodded, running his hand through his hair. “I just can’t bear the idea of Jake having to talk about this stuff,” he said.</p>
<p>“He probably won’t,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Huh?” </p>
<p>Matteo pulled back slightly, so that he could see him properly but still be safe in his arms.</p>
<p>“It won’t be like we do you know? Sit on the couch and talk about our childhood or the grown-up issues we have now. You know he’s still in it so that wouldn’t work. It’s more like for Jake himself it won’t seem like much, just talking while he plays, we’ll be in with him but he’s young enough that he can let this go? Does that make sense? He doesn’t need to dissect it or analyse it he just needs to know what happened to him was wrong and that he is safe. When he’s older he may need to talk about it then. What we’ve gotta do now is help him get to a place where he’s strong enough to handle it later,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>“Oh, that's better. I'm still scared though,” David admitted, squeezing Matteo tight.</p>
<p>“Me too, I don’t want him to ever be scared,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“He’ll be ok, I know he will. And Jammy will too, she’s doing fantastically isn’t she?” David asked.</p>
<p>“She’s so damn happy,” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>“Yeah and Alex today, she scared the shit out of me,” David said, voice shaking slightly.</p>
<p>Today had been a lot for all of them the idea that Alex thought either of them could hurt her was so hard to hear. They understood where it stemmed from though and all they could do was wait it out, let her trust them at her own pace.</p>
<p>“I know,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“We need to talk about it with her right?”</p>
<p>“It is vital it’s at her pace, when she wants to talk to us we’ll listen,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“But that she was scared to fall asleep, I don’t even know what to think,” David said.</p>
<p>“It’s complicated, it’s a learned behaviour for her, she said it was based off a fear of what could happen not what had but Christ.” He knew all too well how often that wasn’t the case.</p>
<p>“You speak to her therapist?” David said, pulling the blankets up over them.</p>
<p>“Last week, when I picked her up afterwards. Obviously, it’s confidential but I introduced myself, asked if there was anything I needed to know. Like stuff she could tell me that doesn’t break confidentiality. She said just give her space, let her have privacy and freedom but she needs a lot of support too, reassurance,” Matteo explained. </p>
<p>“She is not independent at all is she?” David asked.</p>
<p>“She is and she isn’t, like she could probably go it alone but everything would be so unnecessarily hard for her if she did. But this as the alternative, she’s going to thrive, David, that's what her therapist said, she said when, not if but when she learns that she can trust us, and she’s already well on her way to it, then she is going to fucking thrive,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“God that’s wonderful, that’s so wonderful Matteo,” David said, voice filled with awe.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Matteo whispered, tilting his head for a kiss.</p>
<p>Right now in David’s arms safe in their room, all those heavy feelings from earlier were completely gone. Banished from this safe space. </p>
<p>This hadn’t been his safe space while David was away, he’d had nowhere really. Usually, when things were bad he could hide away in here knowing that David would take care of everything, take care of him. But he hadn’t been able to do that. He’d had nowhere to hide from his pain, had to live in it constantly. Never getting a break. Because the pain was David being away and the only solution was David coming back.</p>
<p>“We’ve really got this right,” David whispered, rolling over slightly and pulling Matteo on top of him, not willing to let him go even for a second.</p>
<p>“We have,” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>“She’s amazing you know? Last week when she was talking on the phone about her history essay and I was helping she was so quiet and unsure but that was the nerves,” David said.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“But when she forgets herself? When she lets her guard down and relaxes, she is so fucking sharp, witty, and funny. Insightful too, her photos today, the essay she’s writing right now. You can just tell she’s this bubbly chatty sarcastic girl who’s like locked all that away for fear of it being taken from her,” David said quietly, rubbing his eyes. Matteo turned over slightly and shifted so he could reach out and brush away the tears.</p>
<p>“But those walls are already falling away,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I thought it would take longer,” David said.</p>
<p>“Me too.” </p>
<p>“Is it us?”</p>
<p>“Maybe a bit us, but actually I think it’s the kids too. I dunno what they talk about when I'm not with them, but I think Jamilah has shared a lot, Jake won’t have obviously, but she knows Jamilah’s story and I’ve told her a bit of Jake’s. And well she knows that and sees how they trust us and she copies that, and Jamilah seems to exaggerate it whenever Alex is watching, like exaggerate how safe she feels,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>He’d seen it, whenever Alex was nervous about asking for more food, or when she’d used up the last of the toothpaste in the bathroom. Instead of showing her where the toothpaste was or sneaking her some food she’d been so loud about it. Rude almost. Making it very clear that she was helping herself to cookies, or demanding he replace the toothpaste. So that Alex would see it was ok.</p>
<p>“Oh but she did that for Jake too, when he struggled to eat,” David said, eyes watering again at how amazing their daughter was. Matteo wasn’t doing much better.</p>
<p>“Do you think she knows she’s doing it?” Matteo asked him.</p>
<p>“No I think it’s instinct, she recognises something in Alex the same as she recognised in Jake and she just instinctively knows how to help her,” David said.</p>
<p>“She even does it with me,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Yeah it’s on a different level but she always just knows when you need a hug or when you need distracting from that brain of yours,” David said, kissing his temple and running a hand through his hair again.</p>
<p>“I love them all so much,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“God me too. And I love you so much, how are you doing?” David said, checking in like he always did, never letting Matteo forget that he was always thinking of him.</p>
<p>“Ok just tired out honestly,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Gonna let me take care of you yet?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah, you already are though,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Well stop resisting,” David said, flipping them over so Matteo was now pinned under him.</p>
<p>Matteo huffed. It was hard, even though it was David, it was hard to let him help with this. When it was his mind he was struggling with. But he couldn’t do this without him, needed that help he was so willingly offering. He needed to stop fighting for a while.</p>
<p>“Ok,” he said.</p>
<p>“Good,” David whispered, leaning down to kiss him until he sighed. Matteo wondered if that was his reward, if David was planning on conditioning him with kisses. He wouldn’t complain if it was.</p>
<p>“I love you,” David said, pulling back only slightly, his lips still brushing against Matteo’s when he spoke. “Rest in tomorrow ok? Don’t get up unless you’re actually feeling awake,” he insisted.</p>
<p>“I know it’s just…”</p>
<p>“I’ll get up, I'll sort the kids and then I'll let them come in here and cuddle you before school,” David suggested. </p>
<p>That sounded good, they’d done that before when he was down, got them up a little early to get them ready then they eaten their breakfast in bed with him because he just couldn’t get up to face the day. But he still needed them around, it was never too much that he didn’t want to see their smiling faces or hear their excitable chatter. And when it was then they left him alone, brought him food, toys and drawings but gave him space.</p>
<p>“Jamilah has-”</p>
<p>“Dance I know and Jake has arts and crafts, I'll remember,” David teased.</p>
<p>“Yeah I know I know, I always have to remind myself every night,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Or you forget in the morning I know,” David said, kissing his nose, then his lips again, like he just couldn’t get enough. It still felt like they were trying to catch up. “Alex has therapy in the afternoon. It’s all on the calendar. But you know who won’t forget?” David mumbled against his lips.</p>
<p>“Jammy,” Matteo said, smiling.</p>
<p>“Yeah, she won’t let us forget,” David said.</p>
<p>He sat up now grinning down at him and leaning against Matteo’s legs when he brought them up behind him. </p>
<p>“Little madam, she has a show in a couple of weeks,” Matteo told him.</p>
<p>“Perfect, we’ll all go,” David said, getting that smug look.</p>
<p>“Yeah if you behave when you’re filming it,” Matteo warned, knowing exactly what he was thinking.</p>
<p>“I always behave,” David insisted innocently.</p>
<p>“No fighting with the other parents,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“As if I would,” David said, mock offended. </p>
<p>“No mocking them either,” Matteo said. </p>
<p>“But they’re so bad at it,” David whined.</p>
<p>“Oh my god David,” Matteo said, prodding his stomach.</p>
<p>“Fine,” David said dramatically, before leaning down again to kiss him. He settled over Matteo, wrapping his arms around him, boxing him in, surrounding him. Matteo swore he’d never felt as safe as he felt in David’s arms.</p>
<p>“This is so much better now you’re back,” Matteo whispered between kisses. He felt tired but so calm and content that he couldn’t sleep yet, not with David above him like this, his attention so focused on him that Matteo felt like he’d catch on fire. He needed to appreciate this because it had been so long since he’d had it. Needed to make up for the time they’d lost.</p>
<p>“I don’t think I slept at all while I was away,” David said.</p>
<p>“I did but it did nothing,” Matteo said, he could’ve slept every hour of the day but he would have still been as exhausted as he was right now. </p>
<p>“I know,” David said gently, peppering kisses along his jaw, making him shudder, making the tiredness fade away for a moment as warmth spread through him. Maybe it was stupid but he could almost feel all the achy pain of the past few days fading and healing with each kiss. As if the warmth that spread out from David was chasing it away.</p>
<p>“I can’t sleep without you anymore not properly,” Matteo said, it was the truth, he may as well admit it.</p>
<p>“Well we don’t need to worry about that anymore,” David said.</p>
<p>“Madrid,” Matteo reminded him, even though he knew it would be different.</p>
<p>“I’ll be away like a week before you come join me, and you’ll only come home maybe a week or two before me, depends how long we can keep the kids off,” David suggested.</p>
<p>“Not a day longer than their holidays,” Matteo warned, shuddering when David’s hands found their way under his t-shirt and pinched at his waist making him squirm a little.</p>
<p>“No fun,” David muttered, his lips now tracing patterns along his neck and collarbones. “But two weeks then but yeah nothing else planned,” he said.</p>
<p>“You really are stepping back?” Matteo asked, “David?”</p>
<p>David pulled back for a second and gave him a look so intense Matteo had to close his eyes for a second. There was heat there sure but just so much love it was overwhelming, it was spilling out of him. Matteo saw his own pain reflected in David’s eyes as he thought about just how much his husband missed him back. They couldn’t do it again, neither of them. Matteo knew that now.</p>
<p>“I think I'm at a place where I can be really choosy,” David said.</p>
<p>“Snobby?”</p>
<p>David pinched him again. “Choosy,” he repeated.</p>
<p>“Ok,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“So I'm gonna stipulate that really I only work on the best films and only here, well probably the whole region but that’s it, I’m done with travelling Matteo, until you can come with me again I’m done with it,” he said.</p>
<p>“I can get on board with that,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“You’re not arguing,” David noted.</p>
<p>“There’s a voice in my head that I'm ignoring, for now, yours is better, it’s louder and I trust it more.”</p>
<p>“Good, this is the only place I want to be ok?” David said, leaning down again.</p>
<p>“This is the only place I want you to be,” Matteo said. He grabbed his phone, causing David to pull back slightly in confusion.</p>
<p>“Who are you calling?” he asked.</p>
<p>“What?” Alex demanded when she answered.</p>
<p>“It’s nearly eleven we are going to sleep now,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“You couldn’t be bothered to come check on me?” Alex asked.</p>
<p>“We’re cuddling,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Gross, I don’t want to know,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Cuddling Alex god,” Matteo said, flushing red.</p>
<p>“I’m already in bed I'm just reading now,” she said.</p>
<p>“For school?”</p>
<p>“For fun, you may be familiar with the concept?” she said.</p>
<p>Matteo just grinned, damn she was brilliant. He was glad she was just having fun, relaxing, not worrying too much about school.</p>
<p>“Funny. Ok, reading is fine but sleep soon ok?”</p>
<p>“Good night Matteo,” she said.</p>
<p>“‘Night Alex,” he said, hanging up the phone and tossing it aside.</p>
<p>“Did she not believe we were cuddling?” David asked.</p>
<p>“She did not, in fairness, this isn’t much like cuddling is it?” Matteo asked, reaching out and running his hands down David’s sides, tracing the warm skin, feeling it prickle under his touch.</p>
<p>“You got me there,” David said, “you ok though? Not too tired?”</p>
<p>“I’m ok. I’m good David, right now, I feel fantastic,” Matteo said, right now he felt alive in a way that he hadn’t for a long time, and the reason was simply David here with him, surrounding him, taking over his every sense, he was lost in it, lost in David but at the same moment he was completely found.</p>
<p>“I bet I can make you feel even better,” David whispered, reaching out and switching off the lamp, “let me take care of you, Matteo, let me love you.”</p>
<p>“Always, you always love me,” Matteo mumbled, as David set about making up for every kiss they’d missed, every night they’d spent apart, each lost touch, the moments of pleasure they longed for all this time. Every kiss was a reassurance he wasn’t going anywhere, each touch a promise that he was here to stay. </p>
<p>The way he gripped Matteo with trembling hands was the confession that his pain had been just as bad as Matteo’s, that it hurt him just as much and he wasn’t any stronger than him. Matteo could feel David’s tears on his cheeks, mixing with his own before David kissed them away. But he wasn’t sad, he was so happy. It wasn’t like the other day in the kitchen, it was no longer overwhelming. It was the happiness he felt all the time, before David had gone away, the happy contentedness he felt whenever he thought about how good his life was. It was back.</p>
<p>David was home, he’d been home for days but finally, Matteo let himself believe it, let himself accept that he wasn’t going anywhere ever again. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So they're getting settled, adjusting to David being home. He's home and everything is on it's way back to being that perfect life they had before. But they've still got a little way to go. Matteo needs to heal and take his time with it, as does David. Alex is settling in but the trust she's building is still fragile, needs cementing. Jake still needs help to get rid of his fears. Jamilah and Matty are happy but they still have a story to share.</p>
<p>Next week we've got a few parent-teacher talks for Alex and Jamilah, Jake has his first therapy appointment, and Laura is back as the coolest aunt ever.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. in my sleep i can hear a voice, a call, a withering echo</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>David could fight pretentious art teachers all day. He'd rather do that, fight every single teacher at Alex's school rather than be here right now. Because his son was scared, his husband was terrified and this was probably the hardest thing they'd ever had to do. He didn't want to think about Jake's nightmares, about his time before them, it was too painful. So how could they make Jake think about it?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Quick warning: Jake goes to therapy in this chapter, he gets scared but it's ok. There is a little bit of discussion of his nightmares and what he remembers but as always nothing too graphic. Plus there's a lot of softness and laughter to balance it out.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David couldn’t believe he’d been home for a week already. LA felt like a lifetime ago now. He’d already adjusted fully to being at home. Had almost forgotten that he had an unfinished movie to complete. He’d called Francis and the other producers and promised to get started again next week. It barely felt like he’d had a week off so much had happened but he felt he could get back to work again. It wouldn’t be too bad, lots of meetings and phone calls but he’d be home with Matteo and the kids, that was all that mattered.</p><p>Waking up with Matteo in his arms every morning was the best thing, starting every day filled with joy again instead of dread. All those things he’d missed so much; playing with Matty, taking the kids to school again, doing bedtime stories with them. New things too, reading over essays with Alex, showing her his cameras and talking photography. He wasn’t even sorry for forgetting about the movie, family came first always. </p><p>He hadn’t forgotten anyway, like Matteo he’d been recovering. Maybe not on the same level but it had taken a lot from him too, being away like that. He was still waking in the night and just wandering around the house reminding himself he was home. Sometimes Matteo came after him wrapped in blankets and dragged him back to bed. Once he’d caught Alex in the kitchen making the thinnest sandwich he’d ever seen. That had hurt. He remembered what it was like being seventeen and up all night, always hungry.</p><p>He’d just yawned and quietly made his presence known, shoving the loaf of bread at her and encouraging her to eat up. She hadn’t protested, hesitated perhaps but she’d accepted the food. He’d sent her back up with a massive plate of bread and avocado. The grateful smile she’d given him meant everything.</p><p>Right now though he was in the headteacher’s office at Alex’s school. Matteo had already warned him not to go off, he was sitting beside him right now. He’d come along with him partly because he didn’t trust him and partly because he didn’t want to be in the house without him. He was sitting patiently, bouncing Matty on his knee, while David listed all the points of his argument again.</p><p>Finally, the door opened, and a tall, kind-looking woman stepped out. David wasn’t going to let that fool him. They were all evil if they were allowing Alex to be bullied. </p><p>“Mr Schreibner-Florenzi?” she asked.</p><p>David stood up and held out his hand. Matteo got up and stood beside him, smiling pleasantly at her. Of course he was, Matteo was far too charming for his own good.</p><p>“Hello Mr Schreibner-Florenzi, I’m Nadia Becker,” she said, glancing down at the file in her hand, “may I call you David?” she asked.</p><p>“Mr Schreibner-Florenzi is fine,” David said.</p><p>Matteo kicked him. “Don’t be a dick,” he muttered.</p><p>Nadia just looked between them, unsure, like she didn’t quite know what to say.</p><p>“David is fine and I’m Matteo, the other Mr Schreibner-Florenzi,” Matteo said, shifting Matty onto his hip and holding out his hand to Nadia. She smiled and shook it enthusiastically, and then waved at Matty who smiled back at her. Matteo gave him a smug look as they followed her into the office.</p><p>His husband was such a charming little shit.</p><p>“And who is this?” she said, pointing to Matty as they stepped into the office. </p><p>David hated these places. Too many bad memories, he’d spent far too much time in headteachers’ offices. Except it had always been his parents agreeing with the teachers that he was the difficult one. This wouldn’t be like that because Alex had their full support. They all knew who was in the wrong here.</p><p>“This is Matty, our youngest,” he told her.</p><p>“Wonderful, it’s wonderful to meet all of you. This is Harry Waters, Alex’s art teacher, I believe you wanted to speak to him,” she said.</p><p>Waters held out his hand, David only shook it because Matteo was there.</p><p>“Yeah I did actually,” he said, sitting down.</p><p>“We’re fostering Alex, she’s been staying with us for two weeks but we’re hoping she’ll be with us until she’s ready to be independent. So even though she’s eighteen at Christmas time, we will be caring for her throughout the school year and beyond,” Matteo explained.</p><p>Nadia smiled and Waters frowned, surprised. </p><p>“That’s lovely,” Nadia said, “So I suppose you’ll be wanting to see her record, surprisingly it’s pretty good. Why did you want to speak to Harry? Is Alex having trouble adjusting? We do understand it’s very hard being in care, we have a lot of problems with kids in the system, but we do try to be accommodating.”</p><p>“Don’t please don’t do that. It’s good that you try but please don’t say it like that, kids like Alex will struggle more, their lives are more unsettled but they are still individuals, you can’t just lump them all together, all teenagers have their own stuff going on. I am not at all surprised that she has a good record, she’s not a bad child just because she’s in care. Alex is settling in well with us, and the problem we have is with Mr Waters.” Matteo explained.</p><p>“He is discriminating against her and we would like it to be sorted. Immediately,” David said.</p><p>Nadia’s smile faded to a frown, she glanced over at Waters who looked outraged.</p><p>“Ok please elaborate,” she said.</p><p>“Alex is a keen photographer,” David said, “she’s shown us her work and it’s really good. There’s a competition in a few weeks, Youth Shots and she would like to enter it. But it’s done through the school, for age verification and child protection apparently and he’s said no.”</p><p>“Is this true?” Nadia asked.</p><p>“Yes well, it isn’t really very fitting-”</p><p>“Why?” David demanded.</p><p>“Her work isn't really to the style of the competition,” Waters said.</p><p>“Bullshit you said it was too urban. We all know what you mean by that,” he said.</p><p>“David,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“No Matteo, it’s bullshit you know it,” David said, not having it, this wasn’t the time to be diplomatic. Matteo was too calm and patient sometimes.</p><p>“Now look David, Alex’s is work just isn’t what we’re looking for,” Waters argued.</p><p>“Try again. Her work is good and you know it,” David said standing up.</p><p>Waters stood up too, affronted. Clearly, no one had questioned him before, the jumped up little prick. </p><p>“I fail to see how you’re qualified to comment. I've been teaching art and photography for over nineteen years,” he said.</p><p>“Good for you,” David said. “I mean I'm just a lowly director, I've only made forty international movies and tv shows. I know nothing about photography,” he said, staring Waters down.</p><p>“David,” Matteo warned again, but he was smirking to himself so David knew he could continue. Matteo loved it when he showed off, he was allowed.</p><p>“I … er… is that true?” Waters asked, looking shocked, like he was starting to realise he wasn’t going to win this. “Wait you’re that David Schreibner-Florenzi?”</p><p>“I mean are there more?” David scoffed.</p><p>“Yes, he is,” Matteo said patiently, standing up now and handing Matty to him. If he thought that was going to stop him going off on this man he was wrong.</p><p>“Look it’s not a competition and not one you’re gonna win,” Matteo continued. “This isn’t about that, this is about Alex. We both know that her work is good, even if it wasn’t she’s seventeen she’s still learning. This is an amateur competition for teenagers. It’s a chance. A chance you are taking from her. Your problem isn’t with her work it’s with her. You don’t think she deserves that chance? Or what you feel a kid like Alex entering the competition would reflect badly on you? Show you up in front of the other pretentious types? Nineteen years of teaching means nothing. If you have prejudice against a child, any child then you are in the wrong profession,” Matteo said.</p><p>Apparently, he hadn’t given Matty to him to stop him going off, he’d done it so he could go off himself. For all that Matteo hated confrontation and would always let him do the arguing for them if he could, he was good at it. </p><p>He never raised his voice but always made clear and compelling points. Always made it clear who was in the wrong. As much as David wanted to argue and rage, it was a lot more fun watching Waters squirm. </p><p>If he’d gone in shouting Waters would’ve shouted back and maybe he would’ve backed down begrudgingly. This was more fun. This way he could see Waters feel bad, Matteo never even meant to do it but it always happened, people always felt bad arguing with him. He was too reasonable, too calm, always made the other party feel ashamed.</p><p>“I don’t have prejudice I just think Alex shouldn’t be put forward,” Waters said, wringing his hands.</p><p>Matteo placed a hand on David’s shoulder and squeezed it before David continued his side. He may be letting his husband do most of the arguing but he wasn’t going to stay quiet. “Why don’t you want her in the competition?” he demanded.</p><p>“Well it’s obvious isn’t it?” Waters muttered. </p><p>“Is it?”</p><p>“She’s trouble, she cannot represent the school, she’s not the right candidate, she wouldn’t reflect well on the school,” Waters insisted.</p><p>“Because she’s black or a troubled foster kid or both?” David demanded.</p><p>“Now now let's not go down this path,” Nadia said. David understood immediately why things were so bad.</p><p>“Who are the candidates you have put forward?” he asked.</p><p>“Confidential,” Waters said.</p><p>“Demographically?”</p><p>“I’m not going to answer that,” Waters said.</p><p>Matty was getting fed up and trying to wriggle free so David shifted him and rocked him slightly. “Yeah well, I know the organiser of the competition maybe I'll just ask her, maybe I'll just get the school pulled-”</p><p>“You absolutely will not, that’s not fair and you know it,” Matteo said.</p><p>He hadn’t actually been going to do that. He was just trying to prove a point. He put Matty down and he immediately toddled over to Matteo.</p><p>“What’s not fair is this asshole is discriminating against our child and ruining her confidence in her absolutely amazing work just because she doesn’t fit his ideal,” David said.</p><p>“How dare you?” Waters said.</p><p>“How dare I? How dare you?” </p><p>“David,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“Don’t tell me to calm down,” David snapped, then took a deep breath, “sorry,” he murmured.</p><p>“It’s ok, I’m not telling you to calm down. I’m mad too but this is Alex’s school and she doesn’t want to move. She’s nearly done. This should’ve been sorted long ago but it wasn’t. It’s not fair but we have to be really careful. I don’t want to cause any trouble for her, pulling her out of school has to be our last option ok? She has friends here, she’s happy but if this dickhead has a grudge against you, he seems shitty enough to take it out on her and make it even worse-”</p><p>“Hey!”</p><p>“You know exactly what I mean. Power-hungry asshole type who becomes a teacher just to lord it over kids who can’t fight back, especially kids like Alex who can’t put a toe out of line for fear of the retribution they’ll get at a place that barely counts as a home. If you don’t see a kid like that, with obvious talent but such little chance at life, if you don’t see that and want to do everything in your power to nurture and encourage that, to assure she has a fucking chance then you got into this job for all the wrong reasons. Do you begrudge them yeah? That they might actually have a chance to get further than you? And you take it out on kids who are working towards their hopes and dreams because you can't bear it and have to shatter their hopes just to feel a little better about yourself you absolute pr-”</p><p>“Mr Schreibner-Florenzi!”</p><p>“No! Don’t you defend him! This is your school and ultimately you are responsible for him mistreating the pupils, look here!” Matteo slammed a piece of paper down on the table.</p><p>David stared and then looked at Matteo “Calm down yeah?”</p><p>“It’s not fair, it’s not fair that no one spoke out for her, that she’s judged to a different standard than the others, that if she complains she’s acting out,” Matteo said.</p><p>David reached out and took his hand.</p><p>“Sort it out, it’s your job,” he said, pulling Matteo back to the chairs, picking Matty up on the way. He giggled and reached for his papa so David passed him over.</p><p>Nadia pressed a button on the desk. “Can Alexandra Kamara please come to the headteacher’s office?” she said over the intercom.</p><p>“Ha! Alexandra,” David said.</p><p>“It’s fancy,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yeah, it is, fancy lady our Alexandra. Ok?”</p><p>“Don’t want her in trouble, she’s done nothing wrong,” Matteo said.</p><p>She would not be in trouble, David would make sure of it. They weren’t leaving this office until this was sorted and there were not going to be any repercussions for Alex he would make sure of it.</p><p>“Let’s wait for Alex to get here shall we?” David said, squeezing his hand. </p><p>They waited in silence, the only sound Matty chattering away. David knew they’d already won this if the worried expression on Nadia’s face and the guilty one on Waters’ was anything to go by.</p><p>The door opened and Alex was shown into the room by the secretary.</p><p>“Er… hey guys, what’s up? Am I in trouble?”</p><p>“No, but Matteo’s been kicking off,” David said.</p><p>Alex stared for a moment then came to sit beside him. She peered round him at Matteo then looked back to him. “Matteo? Kicked off?”</p><p>“He did,” David said.</p><p>“I did,” Matteo admitted quietly.</p><p>David knew he was worried, scared he’d caused trouble for her. He hadn’t David would make sure of it.</p><p>“You ok? Studying hard?”</p><p>“Yeah, why am I here? I’m supposed to be in history,” she asked, turning to Nadia.</p><p>“Hello Alex, it’s been a while, I don’t think I’ve seen you much since you started.”</p><p>“Hi Mrs Becker,” Alex said.</p><p>“You started a month later than everyone else because you’d moved, you’d moved schools so many times already so I called you in and told you we would do all we could to support you through your abi. I’m sorry I let that slip,” Nadia said.</p><p>“Oh,” Alex said, frowning slightly.</p><p>“It’s been a long time since you’ve had people in here fighting your corner, I don’t think anyone’s ever come in on your behalf have they Alex? At any of your schools?”</p><p>That hurt to hear.</p><p>“No I don’t think so,” Alex said.</p><p>“So you wouldn’t really speak out if you thought something was unfair?” Nadia asked.</p><p>David felt Matteo relaxing beside him, she’d heard them.</p><p>“Nadia-”</p><p>“Not now Harry, you know full well you’re in the wrong here. I’ve just read the application form. It’s an open competition calling for all talent across Berlin it’s not for you to choose who you think is appropriate to represent the school, it’s asking for passionate teenagers, that’s all it specifies, and I have her application here. This is something she’s passionate about.”</p><p>“I... yeah…”</p><p>“Alex this competition means a lot to you?”</p><p>“Can I show you?”</p><p>“Yes ok,” Nadia said.</p><p>Alex pulled out her laptop and opened it up, placing it on the desk and moving to stand next to Nadia. How confident she became when someone offered her a little praise, a little interest. Oh, they were going to nurture that, they were going to encourage her into the most confident young woman she could become.</p><p>“Ok I've done prints already, they’re at home but here,” she said, showing Nadia her photos.</p><p>“Oh wow. Now Harry, David, I may not know much about photography but I can tell these are good,” Nadia said.</p><p>“Thank you,” Alex whispered, grabbing the laptop and coming to sit by David again, she sat close and ducked her head. After a moment David squeezed her shoulder, she didn’t flinch, just looked over at him, a small proud grin on her face.</p><p>“Why can’t she enter the competition?” Nadia asked Waters calmly.</p><p>“Just… I'm sorry,” he said.</p><p>“There is no place for prejudice at this school Harry, I will not tolerate it. Alex, would you like to put in a complaint?”</p><p>“Yes she would,” David said.</p><p>“David she wasn’t asking you,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“How long has this been going on where she’s missed out on stuff because you won’t listen to the kids?”</p><p>“I think…”</p><p>She looked around the room at all of them, David saw Matteo wink at her.</p><p>“I think instead you should encourage kids to speak up against their teachers when they’re being unfair. With or without their parents because you know we’re almost eighteen we should be getting ready for the real world and this kind of thing is going to happen and not all of us have the support at home. It’s shit but we gotta learn to be stronger,” she suggested.</p><p>David was so proud of her, she was so clever.</p><p>“Very good,” Nadia said.</p><p>“And Mr Waters should help we can practice on him,” Alex said.</p><p>“Oh fantastic yeah I like that,” David said.</p><p>Matteo rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Can I enter the competition?”</p><p>They all looked at Waters.</p><p>“Yes Alex you can, I am sorry,” he said.</p><p>He did seem genuinely ashamed of himself but he was still an asshole. He was only feeling guilty because he’d been caught, called out.</p><p>“Yes!”</p><p>“See how easy that was?” David said.</p><p>“Right young lady back to class,” Nadia said.</p><p>“I’m pretty much done for the day, I'll just go grab my stuff and Nida,” she said.</p><p>“Ok hold on,” Matteo said.</p><p>David looked at him.</p><p>“This is all well and good, Alex that’s a very diplomatic and grown-up suggestion so well done. But if you’re ok with it we would like to put in a complaint on your behalf,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Oh,” Alex said.</p><p>“Because what happened wasn’t ok. If we do it on her behalf she only has to give a statement yes? We do the rest?”</p><p>“That’s right,” Nadia said.</p><p>“I don’t… I don’t want to cause trouble,” Alex said.</p><p>“You’re not Alex, what you’re doing is protecting kids in the future,” David told her.</p><p>“I’m not asking for his job. I’m asking for this to be investigated, how it happened and how it can be prevented. I’d say minimum he needs retraining,” Matteo suggested.</p><p>Waters looked ill with it all but he didn’t argue. An admission of guilt if David had ever seen one.</p><p>“Is it online?” David asked.</p><p>“Yes, you can file it from the website,” Nadia said tiredly.</p><p>He knew it was more work for her. He did believe that she had the kids’ best interests at heart but that seemed to have fallen aside a little. Perhaps if they looked into their procedures and training they could work on that.</p><p>“Ok, Alex?”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah ok that sounds good,” she said.</p><p>“Ok, the car’s in the front car park, meet you there. Five minutes?” David said. </p><p>“Awesome!” She high fived him, waved to Matteo and Matty, and ran back out. </p><p>David just smiled after her.</p><p>“Are we done?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Not quite, I know I'm the headteacher here and I don’t teach Alex directly but I just wanted to say I can see the difference you’re making already, maybe remember that Harry, every kid deserves a chance,” she said.</p><p>He looked suitably chastised.</p><p>“I assume we’ll be seeing you two again?” Nadia asked.</p><p>“Most likely,” David said.</p><p>They absolutely would be back. Every meeting, every school event Alex was a part of. They’d be there so often the staff would be fed up with them. He didn’t care though, this was what she deserved.</p><p>“Let’s go, babe,” he said, reaching out for Matteo and leading him back to the car.</p><p>Alex was waiting there with a smaller girl, with hair styled similarly to Alex but in pale purple instead. Despite the hairstyles, that’s where their similarities ended. Where Alex wore dark colours Nida was in a bright orange shirt. Silver boots to contrast Alex’s black ones. A bold look. David could tell immediately that this girl was Alex’s perfect counterpart.</p><p>She was somehow bouncing on her toes and hiding behind Alex at the same time. Too late David remembered she was supposed to be a fan of his.</p><p>“Hi,” he said, as they approached the car.</p><p>“Hi! Oh my god! Hi!” she said, still hiding.</p><p>Alex rolled her eyes and shoved Nida into the car when Matteo unlocked it to settle Matty in. David got in the front passenger seat and watched his husband get in beside him.</p><p>“Ok I’m totally cool but I just wanted to say I love all your movies. That’s all. And I think you’re really cool. And amazing-”</p><p>“So cool,” Alex muttered.</p><p>“Also one more thing, I’m so happy you have Alex now, she’s so fucking happy now. She hugs me every morning, yesterday she even kissed my cheek as I left. I almost died, I’d never known affection like this from her,” Nida said.</p><p>Matteo laughed to himself as Alex shoved at Nida and Nida shoved back causing Matty to giggle in delight.</p><p>“You two good friends huh?” David asked.</p><p>“Best friends. I’ve known Alex since I was seven. She was at my primary school but I didn’t get to see her again until she came to high school. I was so happy that I found her again.”</p><p>“She remembered me, she missed me,” Alex said quietly.</p><p>“That’s so nice,” David said.</p><p>How wonderful that they’d found each other, that she had someone she was close to. The girls continued to chat quietly. David just smiled, so glad she had a good friend.</p><p>“You ok?” he asked his quiet husband.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Matteo said.</p><p>David frowned. “What for?” he asked.</p><p>“Dismissing you,” Matteo said.</p><p>“When?” David asked, completely confused.</p><p>“In the office. I told you to calm down then I went off, I just… I cut you off and I told you not to put in a complaint when I then did that exact thing.”</p><p>David rolled his eyes, his silly husband, polite to a fault sometimes. Always was after an outburst.</p><p>“It’s way scarier when you go off,” he said. “It’s so intense, me and Waters could’ve bickered and argued for hours. You hate confrontation you get straight to the point. You don’t even leave room for argument.”</p><p>“But I feel like I’ve talked over you,” Matteo said.</p><p>David just smiled. “You didn’t, if I really felt you were talking over me I would have stopped you but Matteo this is your world. On set, at work, I can argue and even yell if I need to to get things to go my way. This isn’t so simple. There’s a hidden set of rules I don’t know, you know all the traps and bureaucracy we have to deal with. You know the risks too. Yeah, you stopped me going off because you’re right what would’ve happened? He would’ve never felt guilty, we may have sorted the competition that way but nothing else. You always see the big picture. You sorted out the competition, you helped Alex assert herself and learn the benefit of that, and you've got this guy under investigation.”</p><p>“But…”</p><p>“You’re not talking over me, I trust your judgement over this and anything,” David said.</p><p>“But just… I feel like I took your voice,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Because of the racism thing? The urban comments?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>“No, I can see where you’re coming from. I’m certain that guy probably was racist in his comments but you were right too, he was on a power trip I think he probably asserts his power over any kid he can. Any of them that have no one to argue for them. But you weren't trying to speak over me we were both arguing for the same thing, for Alex, ok?”</p><p>“Yeah ok,” Matteo said, smiling a little now.</p><p>“Just the fact that you even think that shows your intention,” David reminded him.</p><p>“Ok. And <em>I</em> like to hear you argue, all your points were good and well thought out it’s just… you’re quick to get frustrated, especially over the kids and school isn’t quite the real world you know? Especially with Alex in the system, but I agreed with everything you said.”</p><p>“I know, I believe you,” David said.</p><p>“God you two are the worst,” Alex groaned.</p><p>“That was amazing my parents have never spoken to each other like that. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen adults just… have a discussion like that, you know? Listen to each other?” Nida said.</p><p>“Ok Nida you’re coming over at least once a week,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Do you ever argue?” Alex asked</p><p>“Yes, of course, we can’t always have the same views, you’ve just seen we are very different in the way we approach things,” David said, turning around to wave to Matty. </p><p>“Yeah but you’re so reasonable with it,” Alex said.</p><p>“Well, I mean David went off for very valid reasons, so even though I stopped him I still agreed with everything he was saying,” Matteo said.</p><p>“And Matteo’s approach was more appropriate in this case. I'm not upset with him, when he’s stressed he can lose sight, his focus was keeping you here and it blindsided my points about the teacher a little but he got through to the head instead,” David said.</p><p>“Wow you two are parent goals,” Nida said.</p><p>“Matteo we’re goals,” David said, grinning excitedly.</p><p>“We’ve always been goals, we were relationship goals back in the day,” Matteo said, smiling at him fondly.</p><p>“You two are the worst,” Alex said. It had a lot less impact when she was grinning as bright as she was. David just winked at her and turned back to Matteo. Twisting in his seat so he was facing him, even though it annoyed him.</p><p>“Love you,” he said.</p><p>“Love you too, sit properly please,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It went well, I agreed with your approach completely,” David promised.</p><p>“You just think I’m sexy when I get angry,” Matteo argued.</p><p>David didn’t even skip a beat. “I absolutely do,” he said.</p><p>“Oh. My. God,” Alex muttered.</p><p>“This is so great Alex,” Nida said.</p><p>“How?” Alex demanded.</p><p>“Embarrassing parents, who absolutely love you, you deserve this Lexi more than anything,” Nida said softly, throwing her arms around Alex as best as she could in the small space. Alex returned the hug automatically. Not a second of hesitation. She trusted this girl. It was beautiful to see.</p><p>“Lexi?” David mouthed.</p><p>Alex gave him the coldest death glare he’d ever seen and he knew he was never calling her that. </p><p>Matteo dropped him off outside the school so he could pick up the twins and walk home with them while Matteo went back with Matty, Alex, and Nida to get a late lunch ready. </p><p>This was one of his favourite parts of the day, getting the twins. They may have been frequently late in the mornings but not once had he or Matteo been late picking them up. Would never leave them waiting. He loved waiting for them and the way they always came running out, always excited to see him. They would run straight into his arms and he would scoop them up into the air.</p><p>He waited by the gate, ignoring the other parents and watching as all the children came running out, frowning when his little monsters weren’t among them. That was strange. He checked the time then spotted Jamilah by the door, talking to her teacher. She pointed at him and waved, Jake appeared beside her, then pushed past and came running.</p><p>David crouched down and held his arms open for Jake who crashed into him excitedly.</p><p>“Hey Jakey!” David lifted him up and span him around.</p><p>“Daddy hey!”</p><p>“Jamilah in trouble?” David asked.</p><p>“No! I don’t think so… maybe?” Jake glanced over and shrugged.</p><p>“Uh oh, they're coming over,” David shifted Jake so he could hold him comfortably and watched Jamilah approach with Mrs Weber, her teacher. </p><p>David hadn’t gotten to meet her yet, he’d left just before the school year started. Matteo liked her though, told him she’d quickly gotten used to Jamilah’s boisterous nature and knew all she needed to do to keep her calm, was to keep her entertained. </p><p>Jamilah didn’t like to be bored. Weber got that, was nothing like those other teachers at her first school who wouldn't give her a chance, saw her as trouble. Thought she was acting out when in reality she was a scared child stuck in her grief and not able to deal with it. Because she was six years old and no one was helping her. She’d had no problems with any of the teachers here. They knew how to care for children, how to be patient and supportive. How to see past a child’s background.</p><p>“Hi David,” Mrs Weber said, waving as she approached.</p><p>“Hi Mrs Weber, hi Jamilah,” David said, reaching for her.</p><p>“Daddy I’m sorry,” Jamilah said instantly.</p><p>“Uh oh,” David said, picking her up, she was getting so heavy. Soon she was going to be too big to pick up. Still, for now, he could hold her close and squeeze her tight, even if she had been naughty. “Something happen?” he asked Mrs Weber.</p><p>“Nothing too bad, Jamilah has been learning advance maths at home? With you and your husband?” Mrs Weber asked.</p><p>“Just with Matteo but yeah, he taught her long multiplication and then I think he’s shown her more,” David said.</p><p>Jamilah wanted to know it all and Matteo had a knack for it so he was teaching her a bit in the evenings, when she was in the mood. They’d done division too, even a little bit of algebra. David had just left them to it, at least she’d be ahead when it came up in school. Some days she didn’t want to do maths at all, wanted to write stories, that was when she wanted his help instead. </p><p>But she always wanted to be doing something, even in her games she was learning or creating, his little genius.</p><p>“Yes she knows algebra and basic geometry, something which we would start covering toward the end of next year,” Mrs Weber said.</p><p>“Ok?”</p><p>“So as I’m sure you can imagine she’s getting a little bored because she’s already ahead.”</p><p>“Ah,” David said, she took a lot to keep entertained did Jamilah.</p><p>“Jamilah you’re so smart,” Jake said, but Jamilah just buried her head against his shoulder.</p><p>“But she was good, she tried to help the other children,” Mrs Weber said, smiling. Whatever had happened she wasn’t cross.</p><p>“Good girl,” David said, trying to get her to look up.</p><p>She did but she was sad, he frowned.</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“Unfortunately little Oliver struggled to grasp what she was explaining and he got upset,” Mrs Weber said.</p><p>David could guess exactly how things went down.</p><p>“I am sorry,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Oliver got frustrated and he told her to shut up but then Jamilah called him stupid which isn’t very nice and made Oliver cry,” Mrs Weber told him.</p><p>Pretty much what he’d expected.</p><p>“Jammy that’s mean!” Jake whispered.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to,” Jamilah insisted.</p><p>“I know,” Mrs Weber said</p><p>“I really don’t think Oliver is stupid,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“I know Jamilah, she’s already apologised and Oliver apologised for telling her to shut up, they’re friends again,” Mrs Weber said.</p><p>“Good girl,” David said.</p><p>“I’m not mean,” Jamilah said.</p><p>She wasn’t at all. Hot-tempered, loud and bossy but never unkind. “No you’re not,” he assured her.</p><p>“Oliver doesn’t get numbers no matter how I explain,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Sometimes it’s hard, especially when <em>you </em>understand it, maybe if you try and explain it and someone doesn't understand, you should stop, especially if it’s upsetting for them. Even if you hadn’t called him stupid, he may have felt that way when he didn’t understand. So you calling him stupid was very upsetting for him. Maybe you can explain to Oliver when he’s older,” David suggested.</p><p>He knew as she got older she’d learn to handle that better but would always help her friends.</p><p>“Ok daddy, I will,” she said, smiling now.</p><p>“So she’s not in trouble?” David asked, putting both of them down, they were getting wriggly. </p><p>Jamilah immediately started chasing Jake, both of them yelling in delight. Mrs Weber just smiled at both of them.</p><p>“Not at all but we need to talk about keeping her busy, she’s already ahead and she’s going to get bored quickly,” she said.</p><p>“Ok?”</p><p>Jamilah and Jake were running around his legs now.</p><p>“I want Jamilah to sit in with maths in the year above, they’re in sets, studying maths in a more structured fashion, I think it’ll be a challenge for her,” Mrs Weber said.</p><p>“Oh er… ok?”</p><p>“And I was talking to her earlier, with Mrs Green too, she teaches the year above. We’d like for her to do the Maths Challenge next year after Christmas. It’s a national competition, aimed at over tens but I think she’d enjoy it, I think her passion for maths should be encouraged.”</p><p>“Can I daddy?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“I’ll think about it,” David said.</p><p>“Oh.” Mrs Weber looked surprised.</p><p>“I have to speak to my husband first,” David said, “this… it has to stay fun for her, it can’t be just for showing off the school. We wouldn't put that kind of pressure on her but competitions like that, she might start putting pressure on herself, she’s only nine,” he reminded her.</p><p>But she nodded, understanding his point. “I get it, we can keep it fun, look into it at least. Talk to Matteo, she should definitely take the classes at least, she’s going to get frustrated being held back,” she said.</p><p>“Ok ok, I’ll talk to Matteo,” David said.</p><p>Mrs Weber nodded and let them go. Ultimately it was Jamilah's choice, if she wanted to they’d encourage and support her. </p><p>As competitive as he was when it came to all of them he would never push her into something like this. He didn’t need a trophy to know his children were the best.</p><p>He just smiled and took their hands and they started to walk home.</p><p>“Why can’t Jammy do the classes?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yeah daddy why?”</p><p>“You can, if you want to, you can but I’d like to talk to papa first,” David said.</p><p>“Ok, but why and where <em>is</em> papa?”</p><p>“Papa took Matty, Alex, and her friend Nida home,” David told them. “There’s no reason you can’t do the classes, I’m just not sure about the challenge and I need to check with papa,” he said.</p><p>“Why? Papa will say no,” she said.</p><p>“Because it’s hard,” David said.</p><p>“But I’m smart,” she argued.</p><p>“I know, you’re the smartest,” he said, squeezing her hand.</p><p>“So why not?”</p><p>“Just… you can if you want but… papa will tell you too, these things aren't always that fun in the end,” he said, Matteo would explain it better. He wanted to encourage her without pushing her. He was probably being overprotective, he just needed to look into these competitions more first.  </p><p>“Why?”</p><p>Never satisfied was Jamilah. It was good though, this was clearly something she wanted, she would need a good explanation if they said no. They weren’t going to say no they just needed her to be aware of what it could be like.</p><p>“Because you’re competing with other children it can get mean, when they don’t do well it can make them feel stupid, like Oliver today,” David said.</p><p>“Oh,” she said, nodding thoughtfully.</p><p>“But you can try, but if it gets stressful we will stop, even if you fight us on it I’m telling you that now, the moment it makes you upset, that’s it,” David warned.</p><p>“Ok daddy but I’m going to win,” she insisted.</p><p>“I’m sure you are,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah Jammy will win, she’s the smartest girl in the world,” Jake said.</p><p>Jamilah reached across and high fived him.</p><p>“She is,” David said, letting them into the house.</p><p>“Papa!” Jamilah yelled at the top of her voice the moment she stepped foot in the house.</p><p>Matteo came out of the kitchen, plate in one hand, tea-towel in the other, looking a little alarmed. “Everything ok?”</p><p>She ran at him and he shouldered the tea-towel, caught her and lifted her up with one arm.</p><p>“Papa I’m a genius, papa you have to teach me more maths. I’m going to the Olympics!”</p><p>Matteo looked over at him both confused and amused. “The Olympics?”</p><p>“Mrs Weber wants her to do a maths challenge? It’s a national competition,” David explained, guiding Jake toward the kitchen, following after Matteo.</p><p>“Oh? Bit young, I did it one year, when I was twelve maybe? Got a gold certificate,” Matteo told them.</p><p>Of course, he did the nerd. David grabbed some apples and began to cut them up for the twins.</p><p>“Wow papa! Did you go to the Olympics?”</p><p>David had no idea what they were talking about now but he handed each of them a bowl of apple. Jake took his with a smile. His daughter ignored him.</p><p>“No, but I did the kangaroo,” Matteo said.</p><p>David was pretty sure they were both fucking with him now. “The kangaroo?” he asked.</p><p>Jake bounced where he stood. “What kangaroo?” he asked.</p><p>Matteo lifted both of them up onto the counter. “Ok what I remember? You do the junior challenge and then the best kids go through to the junior kangaroo and the really smart children do the junior olympiad. Then after fourteen, it’s the same but senior.”</p><p>“The olympiad?” David went over and kissed his cheek. “You are such a nerd.”</p><p>“Yep, nerdy old me, so Jammy is doing it?” he asked, he didn’t seem too worried so David already felt better about it.</p><p>He’d never gotten to do any competitions like that, his parents too keen on him being invisible. He’d been conditioned to believe that any kind of attention was bad and it still affected him now. It was probably causing his worries here. If Matteo had been able to handle it at twelve, with no support, Jamilah would be fine.</p><p>“Said I’d ask you, she also wants her to sit maths with the kids in the year above,” David explained.</p><p>“Wow that’s… that’s very smart Jammy,” Matteo said, slowly.</p><p>“You don’t want me to,” Jamilah accused.</p><p>“No just… papa is a worrier is all, I don’t want you to be stressed,” he said.</p><p>“But it’s fun I want to got to the Olympics,” Jamilah said, kicking her legs.</p><p>“Ok,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah?” she asked, eyes wide with excitement.</p><p>Matteo handed her the bowl of fruit and she finally began to eat. David winked at Jake who grinned.</p><p>“Do you want to play?” David asked him.</p><p>“No I want papa, I want to hear what he says,” Jake said, he wanted to know if his sister was going to the <em>Olympics</em>.</p><p>“Ok Jammy you can do the challenge but it’s very hard, and you might not get into the olympiad, I just don’t want you to be sad if you don't,” Matteo said.</p><p>“But oh… but I’m smart,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Yes, you are,” David assured her.</p><p>“But I suppose the other children are smart too,” Jamilah said, she obviously got it, she would be fine. As prone as she was to pouting and tantrums she also moved past things quickly. She would get over it and find a new thing quickly enough.</p><p>“Exactly,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok that’s ok I won’t be sad, it’ll be fun anyway,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“As long as it’s fun you can do it, when it stops being fun, if it starts making you sad, we’ll stop,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok and class?”</p><p>“I found school very difficult-”</p><p>“But papa you’re smart!” Jake said.</p><p>“But school made me very tired, I won’t let that happen to you, you can do the classes but you have to let us keep an eye, let us be fusspots,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Fusspots!” Jake said.</p><p>“Yeah that’s us,” David said.</p><p>“Can we play now?” Jake asked. David helped him down, then Jamilah.</p><p>“Where is Alex? I want to tell her,” she said.</p><p>“Knock first!” Matteo warned as they ran off.</p><p>“Matty sleeping?” David asked, stepping into Matteo’s arms when he reached for him.</p><p>“Yep started grumbling the second we got in,” Matteo told him.</p><p>“He’s such an easy baby, I thought they weren’t supposed to sleep,” David said, sitting down on the stool and letting Matteo get back to the stove.</p><p>“I think he’s growing fast, it must be exhausting. Also, Hanna says one day that’ll stop, he’ll just stop wanting to sleep and we won’t be ready for him at all,” he told him.</p><p>“How’s she doing?” David asked.</p><p>“She’s doing great, it’s Jonas who’s fussing,” Matteo said, with a grin.</p><p>David remembered last time Hanna sitting at their counter and complaining that Jonas was fussing over her too much. Hovering, following her about, trying to get her to sit and rest all the time. Trying to get her to try all sorts of weird diets. She’d only been about four months pregnant at the time. Like she didn’t know what she was doing, she was a midwife, she knew her stuff. And she knew her limits. </p><p>Jonas was a bit of a worrier and Matteo had warned her that as fun as it was her coming over to complain and tease, she had to put her foot down now or he would only get worse. At least he’d been doing it out of love. And he’d heard her loud and clear when she’d told him off, realised how overbearing he’d become.</p><p>“It’s exciting though,” David said, he was so happy for them, so excited for another baby. He loved the way all of the kids were friends. </p><p>“It is,” Matteo agreed,</p><p>Jamilah came running back into the room. “It’s not fair!” she yelled.</p><p>“What’s not fair?” David asked gently.</p><p>“Alex said I can’t play,” she said, eyes shining.</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“I want to play with Nida, she’s so cool, why don’t they want to play with me?” she asked, on the verge of tears. </p><p>David crouched down and stroked her hair out of her face, wiping the tears away. “Because they’re older, sweetheart,” he said.</p><p>“But you're even older and you play with me,” she argued.</p><p>“That’s because I’m your daddy,” David said.</p><p>“But it’s not fair, I wanna play with Alex and Nida!” She’d stopped crying and was stomping her feet. It was always tears at first then angry frustration. She’d be calm again within minutes.</p><p>“Where’s Jake?”</p><p>“Er… he went into Matty’s room to hide because I was cross,” she said.</p><p>“Of course he did, right come on,” David said, taking her hand and leading her upstairs. </p><p>“Do I have to go to bed?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“No let’s go see Alex,” David said.</p><p>“Are you going to make her play with me?” Jamilah asked excitedly.</p><p>“I am not,” David said.</p><p>“Are you going to tell her off for being mean?”</p><p>“She’s not being mean, she has her friend over, she wants to hang out with Nida,” David said.</p><p>“But-”</p><p>“If Carmen was here would you want to let Matty play with you?” David asked as they stood outside Alex’s door.</p><p>“Yes,” she said.</p><p>“Would you?”</p><p>“No,” she admitted.</p><p>“No, exactly.” David knocked on the door.</p><p>“Yeah?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Can I open the door?” David asked.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s cool,” Alex said.</p><p>David did, keeping a hold on Jamilah so she couldn’t rush in there.</p><p>Alex was laid out on the bed, Nida was on the bean bag chairs. She’d dragged them over so they were closer to the bed and she was somehow lying across them on her front and doing something on Alex’s laptop, reaching down to it on the floor. Both girls waved at Jamilah and smiled.</p><p>“Hey Alex, Jamilah is worried you don’t like her anymore,” David said.</p><p>“I do Jammy it’s just Nida is here and she’s my friend,” Alex explained, still smiling at Jamilah.</p><p>“But <em>I’m</em> your friend,” Jamilah said, pouting.</p><p>“You are I promise but…”</p><p>“I presume you’re talking about stuff that little ears shouldn't hear,” David said</p><p>“Yeah,” Alex said.</p><p>“Tell her that,” David suggested.</p><p>“Jammy we’re talking about grown-up stuff,” Alex told her.</p><p>Jamilah frowned, “gross or boring?” she asked.</p><p>“Gross,” Alex said.</p><p>“Ugh kissing and stuff! Gross! I thought you were cool Alex,” Jamilah said, running off presumably to get Jake.</p><p>David leant against the doorframe and smiled at the girls. “Are you really talking about kissing?” he teased.</p><p>“Not with you,” Alex said, getting up and pushing him out of the room, closing the door in his face. </p><p>David just laughed, teenagers.</p><p>“You two coming downstairs?” David asked, turning around. The twins were waiting at the top of the stairs, grinning at him.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jake said, “can we go in the garden?”</p><p>“And where’s my treehouse daddy?” Jamilah asked as they followed him downstairs.</p><p>“Soon Jammy,” David said.</p><p>“Daddy!”</p><p>“Ok I did look online while I was in America, it is quite complicated but maybe next week we can have a look and next weekend we can go get supplies?” he suggested, taking them through the kitchen and opening the side door.</p><p>“Ok yay!”</p><p>“Can I go in the treehouse Jammy?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Of course! Let’s go look,” Jamilah said, taking his hand and dragging him outside.</p><p>“Yay!”</p><p>“Problem solved?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“I think they’re talking about kissing, dunno though Alex shut the door in my face,” David told him, leaning over him.</p><p>“Teenagers,” Matteo chuckled.</p><p>“Exactly,” David agreed.</p><p>Matteo turned in his arms. “Want to talk about kissing?” he asked.</p><p>“Always. Want to skip the talking?” David suggested.</p><p>Matteo grinned at him. “How long do you reckon?” he asked, grabbing David’s collar and pulling him close, his lips millimetres away from his, the tease.</p><p>“Maybe five minutes, it’ll either be Matty crying or Alex coming down for food and disapproving,” he guessed, closing the distance and pressing their lips together. He felt Matteo reach behind him and do something with the oven but he didn’t let him pull away.</p><p>It was Alex, two minutes later. She didn’t even say anything just grabbed some snacks from the pantry. The only reason she interrupted was because she still felt she had to wait for the ok.</p><p>David pulled back a fraction but didn’t look away from Matteo. “Alex?”</p><p>“Yeah?</p><p>“You can have as much food as you want if you leave us alone to kiss,” David said, looking over at her.</p><p>She grinned and grabbed another bag of crisps.</p><p>“Still eat dinner though,” Matteo warned, “I’d say eat later but Nida has to be home at eight so come down at six ok?”</p><p>“Cool thanks guys,” she said, grabbing a bottle of soda from the fridge and running back upstairs. </p><p>David turned back to Matteo, ready to continue but Matteo shoved him away.</p><p>“Nope they’ve been out there too long on their own, go watch them please,” Matteo said. </p><p>“Yes sir,” David quipped.</p><p>Matteo gave him an unimpressed look that had him scurrying off into the garden.</p><p>“Daddy!” Jake yelled from the middle of the sandpit.</p><p>“Where’s madam?” David asked climbing in with him. He was pretty proud of it, had built it himself. He’d wanted something fancier than the flimsy plastic ones in the store. Bigger and more sturdy, built from solid wood it was pretty impressive. He could probably build a treehouse. Between him and Matteo surely they could figure something out? The complicated part was getting it into the tree.</p><p>“Boo!” Jamilah jumped up from where she’d been hiding.</p><p>“Hey Jammy,” he said.</p><p>“Daddy?”</p><p>“Yes dear,” David said.</p><p>“Don’t say yes dear, you’re not listening,” Jamilah said.</p><p>Jake giggled.</p><p>“I am too, how dare you accuse me like this?”</p><p>“Daddy!”</p><p>“Yes Jamilah, my darling daughter, apple of my eye, fairest princess to rule these lands-”</p><p>“Daddy!”</p><p>“Yes!”</p><p>“Can I dance? Will you watch?” she asked, hand on hip.</p><p>“Of course,” he said, sitting up, “wanna watch, Jake?”</p><p>“No,” he said, focusing on the sand he was sculpting. David just ruffled his hair and turned so he could see Jamilah prancing around the garden.</p><p>She was getting good. She’d joined the after school dance class only three weeks after switching schools. She’d asked and both him and Matteo had encouraged it enthusiastically, something to help burn off some of that energy. The same with football. </p><p>What had started as her and the other children stumbling about as they tried to find their rhythm had become something graceful and nimble. Filled with poise and elegance. He wasn’t just showing off either, his little dancer was talented. </p><p>He sat there in the sandpit watching her twirl and leap about. When she finished he encouraged her to start again. Eventually Jake crawled into his lap and they watched her together until Matteo called them in to eat.</p><p>The next day all David’s bravado from the appointment at the school was gone. He didn't feel brave at all. Three times Jake had asked him if they could just go home and three times he’d had to say no. That they couldn't, they needed to stay and do this. Jake was scared, he knew he was here about his nightmares. Plus he could see that he and Matteo were scared too, which wasn’t helping at all.</p><p>They were waiting for his appointment, had filled out all the forms and were just waiting. There were only a few minutes to go, they hadn’t gotten there too early, had known the wait would be awful. But even those few minutes were excruciating.</p><p>Matteo looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown, David didn’t feel any better. Jake was sitting between them watching them both with a frown, biting at his lip. He looked at Matteo, then back to David.</p><p>“Daddy I don’t want to, please can we go home?” he asked again.</p><p>“Oh Jakey, can you be brave for me? It’s just one hour and if you hate it, if at any point you need to leave we will go ok? And you don’t ever have to come back but can you just try? I’ll be here the whole time,” David promised.</p><p>“Ok,” Jake said sadly and David was about thirty seconds from picking him up and walking out of there.</p><p>“Good boy,” he said instead.</p><p>“You are so brave,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Why couldn’t Jamilah come?” Jake asked them.</p><p>“We asked and they said no,” Matteo said. “They said not this time, it might be upsetting for her.”</p><p>“I want her here, I’m scared,” Jake whispered.</p><p>David couldn’t even speak, if he tried he was going to cry.</p><p>“I know, but we’re here with you ok?” Matteo assured him.</p><p>“I’m so scared,” Jake said.</p><p>“Matteo-”</p><p>“I know,” Matteo said, taking a deep breath. </p><p>They had to do this, it would be ok. It was scary and unknown and it hurt to see Jake afraid like that, but he knew he would be ok. Finally, the door opened and he knew it was time.</p><p>“Jacob Schreibner-Florenzi and family,” a lady said, stepping out into the reception. </p><p>“That’s us,” Matteo said, standing up and helping Jake down.</p><p>“I’m Anna Galani, shall we have a little chat?”</p><p>Jake took one look at Anna and burst into tears. “Papa no! Please no I don’t want to papa,” he begged, clinging to Matteo’s leg.</p><p>“Ok ok can you give us a minute?” Matteo asked, crouching down.</p><p>“Of course,” she said kindly.</p><p>“I don’t think we can do this David,” Matteo said.</p><p>David wanted to agree, wanted to sweep Jake out of there and to the safety of their house. But he couldn’t.</p><p>“Am I really that scary Jacob?”</p><p>“Jake,” he whispered, hiding behind Matteo.</p><p>“Am I really that scary Jake?” Anna asked.</p><p>Jake peered round from Matteo’s leg at Anna standing in front of him and shook his head slowly.</p><p>“Your papa told me you like Lego on the phone,” she said.</p><p>“Do you like Lego?” Jake asked immediately, moving away from Matteo and towards her.</p><p>“Yes,” she said. </p><p>“Do you have some?”</p><p>“Yes in my office. I'm very lucky that I'm allowed toys in my office, not many grown-ups get to, you see, they just have boring offices,” Anna told him.</p><p>“Oh no,” Jake whispered.</p><p>“Would you like to come see?”</p><p>“Ok,” Jake said, calm and eager now. David reached down and picked him up, holding him tight until he giggled, then they walked into her office.</p><p>“Ok, I promise I will do my very best for that to be as painful as it gets ok? Anytime he gets upset we stop, going over painful memories is not conducive to healing anything,” Anna said, showing them into the room.</p><p>It had been a long time since David had been to therapy, Matteo more recently but it was nothing like this. Two comfy looking bright blue sofas against a wall painted with colourful flowers. The large rug on the floor was polkadot. The high bookshelves were filled with boxes of toys and children’s books. An arts and crafts station in one corner. There was a desk in the other corner and a bookshelf with more grown-up looking books. David assumed that was where Anna did her work. Even that was colourful and fun. There was nothing serious about the room, it was just like a playroom.</p><p>“Thank you,” Matteo said sincerely.</p><p>“No problem. If you two want to sit on the floor with Jake that’s fine, sadly I can’t because I can’t get up if do,” she said, sitting down on the sofa.</p><p>Jake giggled. “Papa gets stuck on the floor sometimes,” he told her.</p><p>“Never! I do not,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“One time-”</p><p>“I had a dead leg,” Matteo huffed.</p><p>“Uh-huh,” David teased.</p><p>Jake looked between them and grinned, this he was used to, this was normal. This was how they always were.</p><p>“Get lost David,” Matteo said, kicking out at him.</p><p>David just sidestepped him and sat down on the floor with Jake, letting him down on the rug. Matteo joined them, sitting down far quicker than he should have just to prove a point. He winced but said nothing. David rolled his eyes then turned to Jake. “You want to play Jakey?” </p><p>“Am I allowed?” he asked, looking to Anna.</p><p>“Yes of course,” she said, gesturing at the shelves of toys.</p><p>Matteo pulled down a toybox and pulled out a box of Lego for him. He opened it up and passed it to him. Jake looked at all of them and when they nodded he emptied it all over the floor laughing.</p><p>“Yes!” he said, grabbing fistfuls of it and sorting it all out.</p><p>Anna just smiled at Jake and then at both of them. David took a deep breath and waited for the inevitable. But it didn’t come. She just sat patiently watching Jake play for a while. Eventually, Jake stopped focussing on the bricks and looked at both of them nervously.</p><p>“Can I keep playing?” he asked.</p><p>“Of course,” David said.</p><p>“Is this like school?” Jake asked, obviously confused.</p><p>“Not really,” David said.</p><p>“Do you like school Jake?” Anna asked.</p><p>“It’s ok, I didn't like it at first,” Jake said, turning his attention back to the bricks.</p><p>“But you do now?”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s really fun. My teacher is really nice. Her name is Miss Lilly and she sings to us,” Jake said.</p><p>“Do you have friends?”</p><p>“Milly is my friend, she doesn’t talk a lot but she whispers to me. And Zach is my friend too. And Jamilah has lots of friends and they’re my friends too, especially Carmen,” Jake said.</p><p>“That’s so nice,” Anna said, “do you play Lego at school?”</p><p>“Yeah sometimes,” Jake said, handing David several pieces to hold. David just smiled at him.</p><p>“Wow that sounds very fun,” Anna said.</p><p>“Are you going to make my nightmares go away?” Jake asked. He did know why they were there after all.</p><p>“Would you like me to?” Anna asked.</p><p>“Yes please,” Jake whispered, putting down all the blocks and staring up at her.</p><p>David pulled Jake into his lap and held him close. Beside him, Matteo was just sitting there with his eyes closed.</p><p>“Would you be able to tell me what the nightmares are about?” Anna asked gently.</p><p>Jake shook his head.</p><p>“Does your daddy know?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he said.</p><p>“Can he tell me or will that upset you too?” Anna asked. David liked her a lot. Her approach was so gentle and Jake had a choice in all of this. That was the most important thing.</p><p>“Daddy’s cuddling me, can papa tell you instead?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Ok that’s fine,” she said. </p><p>Jake snuggled into David not wanting to listen. It was the only reason he wanted Matteo to tell her instead of him. He didn’t want to hear it. David ducked down a little. “Jake I'm sorry but I think you have to listen,” he said.</p><p>Jake looked at him then up at Anna.</p><p>She nodded. “I would like you to listen but the minute you want to stop just say,” she said.</p><p>“Ok,” Jake agreed.</p><p>“Do you want to keep playing while we talk?” she suggested.</p><p>“Ok but don’t let go of me daddy,” Jake said.</p><p>David just stroked his hair and scooted them forward so that he could reach the legos again.</p><p>“Matteo?”</p><p>“Yeah, just…” He blinked and stared up at the ceiling for a minute. This was probably going to be harder for them than Jake but that was the point. “I think they’re about the time before Jake came to us,” he said finally.</p><p>Even that took a lot.</p><p>“How old was he?” Anna asked.</p><p>“Four.”</p><p>“Ok, ok explicit memory begins at around two. We’ve talked about this before I think, for work? You know about memory? You studied some psych right?” Anna asked.</p><p>“Yeah but David didn’t,” Matteo said, knowing he would want to be kept informed of everything. He needed to understand.</p><p>“Of course.” She turned to him. “Ok, so David there are two types of memory explicit and implicit. Explicit is the kind of memory we’re used to, conscious recall, there won’t be much you can remember that far back, it’s around seven or eight that it really becomes more prominent does that sound right? If I ask you to recall your earliest memory what do you think of?”</p><p>David thought back, seven or eight was right, he couldn’t go back much further. He had certain memories that he associated with photos from his childhood but the first solid memory he could think of was with his godmother.</p><p>“My godmother taking me to the cinema, not a normal one, it was showing old movies. We saw Grease, I think because it was her favourite. I was maybe seven and I’ve loved movies ever since, not Grease but the experience of going to the cinema,” he told her.</p><p>“Ah what about you Matteo?” she asked.</p><p>Jake was pretty distracted now and David realised what she was doing, making it into a normal conversation so he could feel at ease, them too.</p><p>“Um maybe three,” Matteo mumbled, all his attention focussed on Jake.</p><p>“Three?” she asked sceptically.</p><p>“Yeah, we went to Italy and we went to the sea and it was the first time we saw the sea,” Matteo told her.</p><p>“Ah, that might be more of an implicit memory that’s when-”</p><p>“It wasn’t,” Matteo insisted, looking affronted, his attention finally stolen from Jake. “It was in August because it was two weeks after my dad’s birthday and he was happy and he taught me to swim in the sea. It wasn’t cold at all and it was so blue, it went on for miles and it was beautiful. We built sandcastles, just me and papa and mine was really bad because the sand was too crumbly so papa broke his up to make me feel better and... sorry,” he said sheepishly.</p><p>And Matteo had the audacity to say he was competitive, but this poor woman questioned his recall and he just had to correct her. Even Jake was giving him a funny look, grinning at him.</p><p>“No problem,” Anna said, “that’s fantastic recall you’ve got there. Ok so by implicit I mean it’s not tied to a specific event, it’s an emotional recollection. Matteo’s is explicit because he remembers these details. At three that’s quite unusual, not that rare but certainly not typical.”</p><p>“There’s not much that’s typical about Matteo’s brain,” David said.</p><p>“But we’re not talking about me right now,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>David winked at him. Matteo had his own therapist didn’t need to get into it. He’d analysed his own brain at length over the years, didn’t need a child therapist having a go at it. Even though <em>he’d</em> started it by recalling his earliest memory in great detail just because Anna had doubted him.</p><p>Anna let it go. “Very true, do you get the difference David?” she asked instead.</p><p>“Yeah, I think so.” It made sense at least.</p><p>“So most of Jake’s memories are going to be implicit,” she told them.</p><p>“Tied to emotion?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Yes that's right,” she said.</p><p>“Shit,” David muttered.</p><p>“David,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“Sorry,” David said.</p><p>“Daddy that’s a bad word,” Jake said.</p><p>“Sorry Jakey,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Daddy is naughty don’t listen to him.”</p><p>Jake just giggled and showed him the car he was building. David let him down so he could push it around.</p><p>“But if all his memories of his bad times are linked to emotion then can’t we overwrite it by filling his mind with good emotions?” David suggested.</p><p>Anna snapped her fingers. “Not quite but you’re getting it. Jake probably doesn’t remember exactly what he’s been through look-”</p><p>“Please don't,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“Trust me,” Anna said.</p><p>Matteo closed his eyes and nodded.</p><p>“Jake?”</p><p>“Mm-hm,” he said, pushing his car around the rug, making engine sounds.</p><p>“Do you remember where you lived before you lived with daddy?”</p><p>He glanced at David and shook his head slowly. “No,” he said.</p><p>“You don’t remember anything at all?” Anna asked.</p><p>Jake put the car down and crawled back into David’s lap. David just held him close. “I was scared?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo said.</p><p>“And sad?”</p><p>“You were sad,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“Ok, Jake thank you are you scared now?” Anna asked.</p><p>“A little bit,” Jake said.</p><p>David squeezed him again.</p><p>“That’s ok I know I'm scary. What about when you’re at home with your daddies?” she asked.</p><p>“No never,” he said, smiling at both of them.</p><p>“Never? Do you know how you feel can you describe it?”</p><p>“Happy!”</p><p>“And safe?”</p><p>“Yeah very safe!”</p><p>“Good that’s so good,” Anna said, she turned to Matteo. “Can you tell me what he dreams about?”</p><p>“The dark,” Jake said, “I can’t get out!”.</p><p>Matteo covered his ears as a gesture for David to cover Jake’s but he didn't he knew they couldn’t shield him right now.</p><p>“We found him in a cupboard, I found him,” Matteo whispered, finally breaking, tears running down his face. </p><p>Jake was immediately wriggling free of David’s grip and bouncing over to his papa. “Papa don’t cry I'm ok, you found me,” he said, still smiling. Still happy and safe. </p><p>He didn’t remember. He remembered the dark and he remembered being found but he didn’t remember the other stuff.</p><p>Matteo laughed and pulled him close. “I found you,” he whispered.</p><p>“Yeah you found me and I'm safe now,” Jake said.</p><p>“Ok ok, that’s so good. He knows he’s safe, fear of the dark and nightmares are normal for kids, Jake is just a lot more sensitive to it because of his experiences,” Anna said.</p><p>“I hate the dark,” Jake said.</p><p>“Do you have a night light?” Anna asked.</p><p>“Yes it’s a little fish,” Jake told her, making swimming fishy motions with his hands.</p><p>“Oh how lovely,” Anna said.</p><p>“You can use a night light for as long as you need,” David told him.</p><p>“But I'm not a baby,” Jake said.</p><p>“Jake, Alex still needs a lamp to sleep,” David reminded him.</p><p>Jake nodded at that, three times now he’d heard Alex telling Jake she was scared of the dark. He was sure if he asked her, she’d keep telling him. It helped him normalise that it wasn’t a childish thing.</p><p>“I can’t sleep in the dark if daddy’s not there and I'm very old,” Matteo said.</p><p>David actually remembered the very first time Matteo had stayed over his. They’d been so close to drifting off and David had gotten up to switch the lamp off. Matteo had whispered so quietly into the darkness could he put it back on. The night before at the pool it hadn’t mattered, they’d stayed up talking but if David was going to fall asleep he needed a light. Couldn't sleep well in unfamiliar places. Needed a light just in case he woke up in the night.</p><p>It had gotten better over the years but it had taken a long time to let go of that need. And as soon as David was away it came back.</p><p>“You are very old,” Jake agreed solemnly, then burst out laughing at Matteo’s disgruntled expression.</p><p>“Jakey you meanie!” Matteo said, prodding his tummy and then tickling him. Jake was howling with laughter now, couldn’t stop and David knew, he just knew his son was going to be fine.</p><p>“Ok,” Anna said.</p><p>“Ok?”</p><p>“Is that it?” David asked.</p><p>“I think that’s a good place to stop don’t you?” she suggested, gesturing to Jake’s delight.</p><p>He kind of got it, if he left happy he wouldn’t be as scared to come back. “Do we come back?” he asked anyway.</p><p>“You do, once a week please,” she said gently.</p><p>“Is Jake ok?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Jake is wonderful, as are you. He’s doing really well I promise but he does have trauma. It’s understandable considering what happened to him. He dreams of dark spaces because he has implicit memories of them and those memories are linked to fear. Which is why he gets scared,” Anna explained.</p><p>“So what do we do how can we help him?” David asked.</p><p>“Jake, do you understand why you have the nightmares?”</p><p>“I… thought it was because I was bad,” Jake said, but he sounded confused, like he didn’t quite believe that anymore. That could only be a good thing.</p><p>“Not at all,” Anna insisted.</p><p>“Yeah daddy said so too,” Jake said, David grinned at him.</p><p>“You are definitely not bad Jake nightmares and dreams are sometimes just memories. You have bad memories, ones that you don’t quite remember when you’re awake. That’s all, your nightmares are just memories of the time before you moved in with your daddies,” Anna told him.</p><p>Jake looked between them for confirmation and they nodded.</p><p>“Oh,” he said, like it all made sense to him now.</p><p>“And I can’t make you forget these memories but the more happy memories you have, the more the nightmares will fade away. Everybody has nightmares every now and then, the important thing to remember is that as soon as you wake up you are safe, your daddies always look after you,” Anna said.</p><p>“Yes they always do!”</p><p>“Then that’s perfect. The most important thing is that you feel safe. Now, Jake, I want you to tell papa every time you have a nightmare and Matteo, David I want you to write down what happened the day before. We need to establish if there are any triggers,” she suggested.</p><p>“Like last time when we forgot the nightlight?” Matteo asked. David squeezed his shoulder knowing he felt guilty about it.</p><p>“Exactly that, so we’ll learn the triggers and remove as many as possible. Now sometimes these triggers won’t be apparent and that’s what I'm here for. Going forward we’re going to help Jake learn to deal with some of his nervousness and anxiety, there’s no need for him to feel so afraid and we can work on that,” she said.</p><p>“Ok ok that sounds good,” Matteo said, obviously relieved that it was over.</p><p>“Good, Jake?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“It was lovely to meet you, would you be able to come see me again next week? You don’t have to but I’d really like it if you did?”</p><p>“Can I play?”</p><p>“Yes of course,” she said.</p><p>Jake stood up and picked up the car he’d built, he carried it over to her and she took it.</p><p>“Can you keep this car built for me? Don’t take it apart,” he said.</p><p>She nodded and smiled. “I can, I'll put it on the shelf,” she said, taking it over to the bookshelf behind her desk, the one with the grown-up books. She showed him where she was putting it.</p><p>Jake followed her over.</p><p>“But…”</p><p>“But?”</p><p>“Do you help other children?” he asked.</p><p>“Yes,” she told him.</p><p>“Oh,” Jake said.</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“If they want to play with it that's ok too, and if it gets broken apart I don’t mind,” Jake said.</p><p>Matteo just smiled at David, what a kind wonderful little boy they were raising.</p><p>“Oh, aren’t you sweet?” Anna asked.</p><p>“Yes papa says I'm the sweetest,” Jake said running up and jumping into David’s arms.</p><p>“He’s right, so you’ll come see me next week?”</p><p>“Can daddy and papa come?”</p><p>“Yes,” she said.</p><p>“Can…” Jake looked at him.</p><p>David nodded.</p><p>“Can Jamilah come?”</p><p>“Is Jamilah your sister?” Anna asked.</p><p>“She is and she’s my very best friend, we are twins but we don’t look the same and she’s much bigger and stronger than me, she looks after me,” Jake said.</p><p>“I see, she sounds wonderful,” Anna said.</p><p>“She really is,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“Jake I would like to see just you for the next couple of appointments if that’s alright? But after that I would very much like to meet Jamilah,” she said.</p><p>“Ok,” Jake said, not too distressed, it hadn’t been painful. He was so young that he’d already forgotten how worried he was at the beginning of the appointment. This wasn’t scary so he could come back.</p><p>“Is that ok?” Anna asked.</p><p>“Yes that’s fine,” Jake said.</p><p>“Then we’re all done,” Anna said.</p><p>“Yay! Can we go see Aunt Laura and Aunt Beth?”</p><p>“Yes let’s, Aunt Laura is going to be so annoying because she missed me so much,” David complained.</p><p>Jake just laughed and waved at Anna as they walked to the door.</p><p>“Matteo?” Anna asked, stopping him before he left.</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I just wanted to check in with you,” Anna said.</p><p>“I’m fine,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“I believe you, it was you that found Jake yes?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>“Did you talk to someone?” she asked.</p><p>“Yeah I did, I get help,” Matteo assured her.</p><p>“Then that’s all, just making sure you dealt with that because that can be traumatic for an adult too, even when it’s part of your job,” Anna said.</p><p>It had had a hell of an effect on his husband, left him jumpy for weeks, crying at random when he thought about how differently things could’ve turned out. David hadn’t seen the place, all he’d known was that Jake needed their care immediately and that he’d been somewhere really bad before. Matteo hadn’t even told him right away, David was kind of glad he didn’t. Ho would’ve been terrified too, and Matteo needed him strong. But he was ok now. This would probably bring back those memories for him but they would be ok.</p><p>“I know but thank you, I've got a good handle on my mental health,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Perfect, I'll see you, next week guys,” she said.</p><p>“Bye Anna,” Jake said.</p><p>“Bye Jake,” Anna said.</p><p>“You ok to drive?” David asked as they walked back to the car.</p><p>“When are we getting a new car papa?” Jake asked. He was totally calm, unaffected by the past hour. Matteo wasn’t doing as well.</p><p>“Soon,” Matteo said, a little abruptly, “can you drive? Sorry, I'm shaking.”</p><p>David shifted Jake onto his hip and took Matteo’s hand, squeezing it tight.</p><p>“Sorry Jake, I think we’re going next week, right?” Matteo asked him.</p><p>David nodded. “What colour would you like?” he asked Jake.</p><p>“All of them,” Jake said immediately.</p><p>“If you can only have one?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Yellow,” Jake said grinning.</p><p>Matteo pulled a face, he tried to hide it but it was obvious. “We’ll see if they have yellow cars,” he said.</p><p>They were not getting a yellow car.</p><p>“Ok papa,” Jake said.</p><p>Matteo leant over David to give Jake a kiss and ruffle his hair, making him laugh. Then he leant into David. He held him close. Today had been a lot.</p><p>“You did really well today Jakey I'm proud of you,” David said.</p><p>“Anna is going to make my nightmares go away,” Jake said.</p><p>“She will, you understand it will take some time?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Jake said, kicking his legs, he was so happy.</p><p>David had worried the appointment would leave him, quiet, retreating into himself but it hadn’t at all. He was just as happy and smiley as always.</p><p>“And we don’t know how long, everyone is different,” Matteo warned him.</p><p>“Ok papa,” Jake said.</p><p>“But we’re already working on it, sharing with Jammy helps right?” David asked.</p><p>“Yeah!”</p><p>“And the nightlight?”</p><p>“Can I get another nightlight?” </p><p>“You can get as many as you want,” David said as they approached the car.</p><p>“Ok yay!”</p><p>“More fishes?”</p><p>“Or maybe other animals,” Jake said.</p><p>“Whatever ones you want,” David said unlocking the car and putting Jake in his seat. “When we get home we can have a look, or maybe we could get one that makes stars on the ceiling, they were always cool,” he said.</p><p>“Or unicorns?” Matteo suggested.</p><p>“Oh yes, daddy please can I get unicorns?”</p><p>It was funny the way they all flitted from thing to thing at that age. Jake used to love fishes, had tons of books and videos on them. Spent a whole day in the aquarium looking at all of them, chattering away. After that, it had been trains and rockets. Sunflowers. Now it was unicorns. Lego was always a thing though. </p><p>Because that had been the first toy they’d ever bought him, the first toy he’d ever been given. When he came to them Jamilah shared all her cuddly toys and he loved them. But the next day David had taken Jake grocery shopping and they’d had a little display, starter Lego kits. Jake hadn’t asked, hadn’t even touched, just stood there in front of the fancy Lego house that had been built and put on display. </p><p>David had immediately bought him a box. They’d taken it home and Jake hadn’t understood that it was for him, that he was allowed to play. He’d just carried the box around until David had opened it up and together they’d build a tiny version of that house they’d seen. There were two little Lego characters that came with the set. Jake had asked if they could be him and David. David told him yes of course, and that this was their house where little Lego Jake could stay forever, safe with him. And that their house was little human Jake’s home, that he was staying forever, and that no matter what David would keep him safe. Jake had cried then, didn’t even really understand why but he cried and cried and David had just hugged him tight until he’d calmed down. He was finally safe. The next day he’d taken Jake to the Lego store and told him to get whatever he wanted. He’d got a couple of kits but the best thing was they had the little character designer station so he’d made Matteo and Jamilah to join the little Lego house family.</p><p>“As many unicorns as you like,” David promised, tugging the seatbelt and ensuring he was secure. He walked around and jumped in the driver’s seat.</p><p>Before he started the car he turned to Matteo, “Ok?” he asked.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Ok, do you want to go straight home?” David offered.</p><p>“Papa, Daddy no! Please I want to see Laura, Beth, and Parsley,” Jake said, pouting slightly. He wasn’t one for tantrums but he sure did know how to do those puppy eyes. He was going to get his way a lot.</p><p>“Ok Jake,” David said but he waited for Matteo.</p><p>“David I can’t,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>David reached out and pressed him into the seat. “You’re safe, Jake is safe, both of you are safe ok?” he said.</p><p>“Papa I'm so happy today,” Jake said. </p><p>Jake knew what was up, understood his papa well. Knew his papa was scared for him but that there was no need to be.</p><p>“That’s so good Jakey, that’s so good,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“And I like Anna and I’m not scared I promise,” Jake said.</p><p>“Oh, Jake.” Matteo turned in his seat to smile at him. Reaching out and high-fiving him.</p><p>David took that as his cue to head off to Laura’s.</p><p>“How are we all getting back by the way?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Laura has very graciously offered to drive half of us back, but not Matty or she’ll kidnap him,” David said.</p><p>“Oh no!” Jake said.</p><p>“I can handle it, I think just quiet,” Matteo said, leaning back in the seat and closing his eyes.</p><p>“The minute you can’t I'll bring you home, Laura can drop everyone else over whenever,” David suggested.</p><p>“Daddy what if she kidnaps me?”</p><p>“You can come with us Jake,” David said.</p><p>“No, I wanna stay and play with Parsley!”</p><p>Parsley was Laura’s cat and Jake loved him. Laura had only had him a couple of years and he’d still been a kitten when they’d got Jake. David remembered them taking Jake over to meet Laura, Jamilah had come too. She’d scared Parsley into the corner but he’d come out when Jake had started crying, nervous of Laura and Beth. So Parsley had come out, meowed at him and Jake had followed him into the corner where they’d both curled up and gone to sleep.</p><p>“Is he your favourite?” David asked.</p><p>“He is,” Jake said.</p><p>“Let’s go see Parsley then,” David said.</p><p>“Yay!”</p><p>“It’ll be ok Matteo,” David said.</p><p>“I know, that was just hard,” Matteo said, eyes still closed.</p><p>“It’s hard for you to talk about you did really well,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah but it’s good, I'm relieved we can help him it's just you know how I am. I can’t help thinking what if-”</p><p>“Don’t,” David said, pulling up at the side of the road and looking over at him. “Don’t torture yourself, you saved him and he’s here, don’t think about other nonexistent scenarios,” he insisted.</p><p>“Ok ok, you know I dwell,” Matteo said, finally looking at him.</p><p>“Well when you think like that tell me and let me pull you out of it,” David said.</p><p>“Aunt Laura!” Jake exclaimed when Laura knocked on his window. “Daddy, can I do the window?”</p><p>“Yes Jakey,” David said.</p><p>“Hello Jakey,” Laura said, reaching in to tickle him once the window was open.</p><p>“Laura can I come see Parsley?” he asked.</p><p>“You can, can I grab him?” she asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” David said.</p><p>“You two ok?”</p><p>“Jakey do you want to go up with Laura, we’ll be up in a minute,” David said.</p><p>Jake nodded and took Laura’s hand.</p><p>“Daddy says you’re going to kidnap us,” Jake told her.</p><p>“Did he really?” Laura asked. </p><p>“I did not,” David said, all his children were such tattletales.</p><p>“He said you were going to kidnap Matty,” Jake said.</p><p>“Well Matty is a cutie and so are you,” Laura said.</p><p>“Yay! I am,” Jake agreed.</p><p>“Let’s go daddy and papa will be up in a minute,” Laura said.</p><p>“We went to see a lady called Anna and she made papa sad,” Jake told her as she led him away.</p><p>“Papa will be ok,” she promised.</p><p>“Why aren’t we going up?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Let’s just sit for a few minutes,” David said, he unbuckled their seatbelts and then took Matteo’s hand.</p><p>“That was so hard,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It won’t be that hard again,” David promised.</p><p>“I hated every minute of it,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I know,” David said.</p><p>“Even though Jake was ok the whole time. I just wanted to take him out,” Matteo said.</p><p>“But she’s going to help,” David said.</p><p>“It’s… not just that,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>“Ah,” David said, understanding just why Matteo was so distressed by all of this.</p><p>“I’m being dumb,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>“Nope, not dumb, not selfish either,” David insisted.</p><p>“Just thinking how good it would have been to have that kind of therapy like Nina is fucking great and I know how stubborn I was but at twelve or thirteen I was desperate for help, I went to my doctor and if he’d sent me somewhere like that. Ok, not that but I’ve been to the youth therapy before with work. It’s the same kind of thing, tailored to their age. And I just… I dunno sometimes I think I wouldn’t be this bad,” Matteo muttered.</p><p>David shook his head and squeezed Matteo’s hand.</p><p>“Firstly no, you are not ‘this bad’ you have done so well ok? But yeah seeing the psychologist helped me so much when I was a teenager. I know it was for the gender clinic but she helped me with everything you know? You deserved all the help you needed but you’re fucking fantastic now,” David assured him. “Maybe would’ve made things easier, getting that help?”</p><p>“Yeah, everything was so hard for so long,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I know, you’re doing good now though. And you see Nina and she helps you a lot,” David reminded him.</p><p>“Yeah she does, I’m ok, today was just so much,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Talk to Nina I think, that’s what Anna said,” David suggested.</p><p>“Yeah she did didn’t she, she’s nice,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Perfect for Jake I think,” David agreed, “Shall we go up?”</p><p>“Yeah I can now, I'm ok just quiet,” Matteo said. “I don’t think I can stay too late.”</p><p>“Ok,” David said, getting out of the car. He took Matteo’s hand again, locked the car and led Matteo up to Laura’s apartment.</p><p>Beth opened the door before he could even knock and pulled both of them in, giving both of them a big hug. She was small but she gave such great hugs. “Hey guys,” she said warmly, “David we’ve missed you so much!”</p><p>He knew in the time he’d been away she’d been looking after Matteo as much as Laura and he loved her for that. She was wonderful, so kind and unassuming, perfect for Laura who was a worrier, Beth just kept her calm and chill.</p><p>“I’ve missed you too Beth,” David said, squeezing her back.</p><p>“Hey Beth,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>Beth smiled at him and ushered them through. “Come through, come through. Everyone’s in here, kids’ your dad’s are here,” she called out.</p><p>They didn’t even get into the living room before Jamilah was on them.</p><p>“Daddy!”</p><p>“Hi Jammy,” David said.</p><p>She stood in front of them, arms folded, a frown on her face.</p><p>“Hi papa,” she said.</p><p>“Have you had fun?” Matteo asked her.</p><p>“Did you ask the lady if I could come with Jake next time?” she asked.</p><p>“Jake asked, not yet ok?” David told her.</p><p>“Not fair,” she said.</p><p>“Jammy,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No it’s not fair papa,” she said.</p><p>“Jamilah,” David warned.</p><p>“Daddy it’s not fair,” she said.</p><p>David crouched down in front of her. “Jake needs to do this one thing alone ok, but I promise we’ll look after him,” he said.</p><p>She sighed, relenting. It was wonderful how protective she was of him but she couldn’t do this. “Fine it’s totally unfair but fine,” she said.</p><p>“Thank you Jammy,” Matteo said quietly, gently guiding her into the room, she ran over to Jake. Matteo followed her. David looked in. Matty was on Alex’s lap, she was sitting by the window staring out into the street. </p><p>Jake was on the floor with Parsley, both of them laying on their tummies. Jamilah knelt down beside him. David swore Parsley looked up at him and glared for a second before shuffling closer to his son. </p><p>David hated Parsley and Parsley hated him, loved Laura and Beth. He was indifferent to Jamilah and Matty, tolerated Matteo. But he absolutely loved Jake, would just curl up with him, followed him all over the apartment, let him pet him as much as he wanted. Jake, of course, was always gentle with him</p><p>Matteo let go of his hand, nodded toward Alex then went to sit in the corner, closing his eyes. He needed a minute. David didn’t follow him right away, he could hear Laura in the kitchen, so he popped his head in. </p><p>“Hey Laura,” he said, smiling. He’d missed her a lot, missed these easy weekend afternoon’s spent with her and Beth in their apartment. A phone call just wasn’t the same.</p><p>“David,” she said quietly, approaching him. David held out his arms and she stepped into them. “Missed you,” she whispered.</p><p>David squeezed her tight. “Missed you to Laura, so much, I wanna catch up but I’m just going to check on Alex first,” he said.</p><p>Laura nodded. “She’s really great David, I’m so proud of you. We chatted a bit and she went out with Beth earlier, when she came back she was a bit quiet so we gave her space,” she warned. “She does the same thing as Matteo when she gets sad? Just holds onto Matty.”</p><p>Matty was such a comfort to hold, he knew it helped Matteo greatly, when he was down and couldn’t speak, to just hold Matty and rock him to sleep. Matty loved being held never wanted to be put down so he didn’t mind one bit.</p><p>“Gotcha,” he said. He kissed her cheek and then walked back out into the living room, sitting down opposite Alex. She handed him Matty when he reached for him.</p><p>“Ok?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Alex said quietly, still looking out of the window.</p><p>“Sure?”</p><p>Alex shrugged.</p><p>“Tell me what’s up anyway,” David suggested.</p><p>Alex reached out and pointed across the street, a little way down the road. David frowned and looked back at her.</p><p>“Me and my mum used to live there,” Alex said.</p><p>“Oh Alex,” David said gently moving closer. </p><p>Alex leant against him and they both stared out into the street for a bit.</p><p>“I’m not sad, it’s kinda nice,” she said, after a few minutes.</p><p>“That’s really good,” David said.</p><p>“I went out earlier and got some pictures,” Alex said, handing over the camera he’d gotten her. He flicked through the shots she’d taken and smiled.</p><p>“Nice,” David said.</p><p>“Thank you for the camera,” Alex said, “I usually have to borrow stuff from school.”</p><p>“Not a problem, as soon as Matteo told me you were into photography I knew I had to get you this. I had a way older version for my first camera and it did me well. And anything you do want to borrow just help yourself. I’m sure you can figure them out but I can show you how it all works.”</p><p>He hoped she’d ask, even if she was probably quicker at figuring it out than him. He would just love to explain all this stuff to her, show her all his old cameras and the newer ones he’d collected over the years. He hoped maybe they could go out taking pictures together.</p><p>“No one’s ever bought me something so fancy,” she said quietly.</p><p>“You best get used to it,” David teased.</p><p>“But I don’t understand?”</p><p>“I got everyone gifts,” David said.</p><p>Alex shrugged. When the package had finally come that morning, delayed by three days, he’d gathered them in the living room. Everyone excited, except Alex, she’d tried to sneak off to her room. She hadn’t thought she was getting anything. </p><p>He’d convinced her to stay and watched her try to conceal her joy when she opened her gift. The first thing she’d done with it was take pictures of all of them with theirs. Jake with his ginormous Golden Gate Bridge Lego set, Jamilah with the set of German fairy tales he’d found in an old bookstore. Both of them had been equally delighted, David clicked through to the photos and smiled, looking up at the twins. Matty was certainly excited by the tiny little band kit he’d gotten in LA. A little drum set, guitar and a microphone. He loved to make noise and David had thought it was cute. He’d been on a tour of some recording studios and seen it in the gift shop. It was ridiculous but adorable. Matteo had not been impressed at all.</p><p>“Oh,” David whispered as he clicked through to the next picture.</p><p>“Oh god,” Alex muttered, “I’ll send it to you don’t start,” she said grinning now.</p><p>She’d captured the exact moment Matteo had opened his present, the book he’d had printed for him. David usually did bedtime stories that was his thing, but all of the kids loved hearing Matteo’s stories of all their “adventures” over the years. Stories of their travels, when they’d met, the things they’d done. And Matteo loved to tell them. David was a creative storyteller, he liked fiction, Matteo liked to reminisce. Over the years David had recorded him and when he’d seen the little indie publishers in downtown LA he knew what he had to do. He’d gotten Matteo’s words down on print and then he’d added illustrations to go with it. He’d even done a fancy cover, called it <em>finding home, part i. </em>Because there was so much more to tell. </p><p>Alex had captured the look of awe and emotion on his face as he’d looked up at David with shining eyes.</p><p>“Please,” David said quietly.</p><p>“It’s a nice photo,” Alex admitted. “Thank you for the camera, and the book,” she said.</p><p>To go with the camera he’d gotten her a book on techniques and inspiration for photographers. She would learn more from that than anything Waters would teach her. He’d also gotten her a travel case, and various accessories to get her started. Essentially he’d kitted her out. He’d also gotten her a little toolkit for her mum’s camera, there was no reason why she couldn’t keep it going, she’d looked after it so well. She’d been completely stunned, had accepted it all quietly. He was spoiling her because he didn’t think she’d ever been spoiled before. But she deserved it and she’d learn in time to get used to it from him.</p><p>“David?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he said, handing the camera back to her.</p><p>Jamilah came up to them and Alex snapped a photo, showing it to her. She grinned and reached up so Alex passed Matty to him and picked her up, sitting her on her knee. David took the camera back to capture the two of them together.</p><p>“David I think… I’d like to do a project, photos of all the places I’ve lived. I lived there for the first six years of my life,” she said, helping Jamilah onto the windowsill so she could see.</p><p>“Wow,” she whispered.</p><p>“And then in the past eleven years I think I’ve lived in around thirty places,” she said.</p><p>“Oh,” David said quietly, that was so many. That was far too much, how was she ever supposed to feel safe living in such constant upheaval?</p><p>“That’s so many,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Yeah I want to take photos of all of them, kind of highlight the instability of it all,” Alex said.</p><p>“That’s really clever Alex,” David said.</p><p>“Alex?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Ok, so I want the photos to show how I had to move around a lot, and how scary that was like…”</p><p>David nodded it was ok to talk about this stuff to a point with Jamilah, he would gently stop her if she got too heavy. But he didn’t think she would, she was sensible in the way she spoke to the kids, knew already that there was stuff they did need shielding from.</p><p>“You remember where you lived before David?” Alex asked.</p><p>Jamilah nodded slowly and looked to him. David smiled at her. Jamilah didn’t have nightmares like Jake, was comfortable talking about her past because she knew it was exactly that. It had been a bad period of her life but she’d gotten out. Matteo had come along and listened to her and she’d been rescued. She knew it was important to keep talking about it. That what had happened should never have happened to her. And that she was safe and would never go through something like that again.</p><p>“That was unstable that wasn’t safe it wasn’t a home,” Alex told her. “Do you know what I mean?”</p><p>Jamilah nodded, Alex had her full attention.</p><p>“All those places I lived, even the ones that were ok they weren’t homes, I was constantly afraid of being sent somewhere else, I never knew where I’d be one month from the next,” Alex said.</p><p>“Oh did you… what about school?” Jamilah asked, climbing down from the windowsill and back into Alex’s lap.</p><p>“I’ve been to so many,” Alex said.</p><p>“Oh but friends?” Jamilah said, reaching out to hug her.</p><p>“None really,” Alex said quietly.</p><p>“Oh no but… I’m your friend,” Jamilah assured her.</p><p>“Yes Jammy,” Alex agreed.</p><p>“And Nida?” Jamilah asked, only scowling slightly.</p><p>“Nida was my friend in primary school and somehow we ended up together again at the start of this year. We just were destined to be best friends, she remembered me always, showed me her journals over the years. She missed me all this time.”</p><p>That was so wonderful, Alex had a friend for life there, he was so glad she had that.</p><p>“That’s lovely,” David said.</p><p>“Nida can be your best friend,” Jamilah said reluctantly.</p><p>“She can but do you know what’s just as important?” Alex asked.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Being my little sister,” Alex said.</p><p>Jamilah beamed at her and Alex held her tight.</p><p>David just tried not to cry.</p><p>“David, can you come with me for some of them because they’re not safe? I won’t get close or anything but I want to get all of them, paint a full picture,” she said.</p><p>“Of course,” David said.</p><p>“I think it would help me,” Alex said. “You know, like closure?”</p><p>“Do you remember all the places? I bet Sandra can tell us, if we explain why she can at least give us the general areas.” David suggested.</p><p>“Yeah I thought that too,” Alex said.</p><p>“We’ll figure it out,” David promised. </p><p>“He alright?” Alex said, nodding to Matteo who was still sitting in the corner of the room. He was staring at nothing but David knew he was just taking a time out, regrouping, couldn’t handle interaction right now. </p><p>It was why Jamilah had left him alone once he’d sat down, stopped pestering him.</p><p>“Therapy was tough but Jake is ok,” David said.</p><p>Jake was still on the floor with the dumb cat, both of them half asleep now, Jake whispering quietly and stroking his fur with his tiny gentle hands.</p><p>“Good,” Alex said.</p><p>“It was just a lot,” David said.</p><p>“Of course, a lot for you but playtime for Jake,” Alex said.</p><p>“Pretty much,” David agreed.</p><p>“Maybe if you just let me come you wouldn’t be so sad,” Jamilah suggested.</p><p>“Cheeky Jammy,” Alex said. “David I love your sister, by the way, she’s just let me sit here all day, didn’t push at all. She got that I was nervous and let me be. Oh and Beth too,” she added as Beth walked into the room carrying a pan, “she came out with me to take photos, but she didn’t ask why I was upset because I couldn’t have handled that. They're both so lovely.”</p><p>“They are,” David agreed. “Beth is so chill and Laura is so over the top it’s the perfect balance,” he joked.</p><p>Laura was over the top in such a quiet encouraging way, Beth was chill but loud and fun at the same time, those two complemented each other so well.</p><p>Laura marched into the room with another pan. “I can hear you, you little-”</p><p>Jake and Jamilah gasped in delight. Jamilah jumped down and running over to her.</p><p>“Idiot,” Laura finished lamely, putting the pan down on the table, picking Jamilah up and swinging her around.</p><p>Even Matteo laughed then. “Jake,” he whispered.</p><p>Jake tottered over just crawled into his lap, patting his cheeks even though there were no tears there. Parsley followed and settled down beside them and Matteo finally smiled, holding Jake close.</p><p>Laura watched them for a moment and then clapped her hands together. “Ok everyone it food time, it seems like everyone’s had a bit of a day so lets stuff our faces yeah?” She headed back to the kitchen.</p><p>“Everything’s vegetarian,” Beth said to Alex, “I’ve been veggie for years now, we have the best food and of course Laura is the best cook-”</p><p>David cleared his throat.</p><p>“Laura and Matteo are the best cooks,” she corrected, beckoning Alex over to show her the dishes. “We’ve got here grilled halloumi, we’ve chickpea curry, couscous, the best falafels you will ever eat, your favourite flatbread Matteo, aubergine dip, hummus, I think Laura’s bringing more...”</p><p>“God that sounds good,” David said, getting up to help Beth set the table. Alex just stared at all the food and slowly sat down. He smiled at her encouragingly and she nervously smiled back.</p><p>“There’s so much,” she whispered.</p><p>“Well I’m starving, aren’t you?”</p><p>Slowly they were normalising that, that there would always be food for her. She was starting to eat a little slower and she was finally comfortable helping herself to food without worrying it was going to be snatched away.</p><p>She nodded and he settled Matty in his high chair then ushered Jake and Jamilah over, Matteo following then slowly.</p><p>“Alright, babe?” David asked, squeezing Matteo’s shoulder when he sat down.</p><p>Matteo lay his head on David’s hand for a moment. “Just tired,” he said quietly, then passed out plates to everyone. </p><p>Beth came back in with one more pan followed by Laura with a small bowl.</p><p>“For you Jakey,” she said, placing it in front of him.</p><p>“Yay chips and nuggets! Chips papa!” Jake said showing him</p><p>“Delicious,” Matteo said dryly, he took Jake’s plate and added a little of everything to it. He would eat it but still preferred his bland food. David just ruffled his hair. Besides Jake, Beth was feeding Matty little pieces of bread. </p><p>David watched Alex watching Jamilah help herself, then slowly started to copy her. Laura smiled at him. But not in a kind way.</p><p>“Right the mood in here sure is a little off, so I think the best way to cheer everyone up is-”</p><p>“Don’t you dare Laura,” he hissed.</p><p>“Alex needs to know these things about you,” Laura said.</p><p>“Oh spill the dirt,” Alex said eagerly.</p><p>While she wasn’t looking Jamilah put more food on her plate and winked at him. She was just wonderful.</p><p>“Gladly,” Laura said.</p><p>“Laura,” David warned.</p><p>“I wanna hear,” Jamilah said, “tell the story about the sponge cake!”</p><p>David groaned, it wasn’t even that clever, completely childish on Laura’s part. “No,” he said.</p><p>“I want to hear,” Alex said.</p><p>“Alex wants to hear,” Laura said.</p><p>“Ok fine,” David relented.</p><p>“Ok, so you know those round bath sponges?” Laura asked.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“One time I covered one with icing and gave it to David, he bit right into it!”</p><p>Jamilah burst out laughing. The first time Laura had told her that she immediately tried to pull it on him. Like he was going to fall for it again in his thirties.</p><p>“You’re so funny why can’t we ever tell the pranks I did?”</p><p>“What were those David?” Laura asked.</p><p>Matteo and Beth laughed loud at that. “What about the soy sauce?” Beth asked, grinning wickedly at her wife.</p><p>“You’re the worst Beth,” David said.</p><p>“It was pretty smart,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>“I mixed soy sauce and sparkling water in a cola bottle and he drank it,” Laura said.</p><p>It had been the most disgusting thing he’d ever drunk, he’d puked straight after.</p><p>“Ok that’s genius,” Alex said.</p><p>“No the best part is he wasn’t allowed cola because he was too young so he thought that’s what it tasted like,” Laura said.</p><p>“I was so excited Laura!”</p><p>“He didn’t drink cola for years.”</p><p>Matteo was shaking with laughter beside him. David just pulled him close. “Don’t encourage her,” he said, but really he was just happy that his husband was laughing.</p><p>“‘S’funny though,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It’s mean and it gives them ideas,” David said, pointing at Jake and Jamilah who were hooked on Laura’s every word.</p><p>“One time David had his hair in braids, like yours Alex, except not nearly as long. Maybe shoulder length, and plain black god forbid mother would let us have colour in our hair. But when he was sleeping I snuck in and tied the braids to the headboard,” she said, cackling.</p><p>Alex nearly spat out her food, Beth was laughing so hard she stopped feeding Matty, who was laughing just because they all were.</p><p>“Daddy, were you stuck?” Jake asked.</p><p>“I was, I woke up and almost broke my neck,” David told him.</p><p>“How did you get free?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“My very angry mother had to cut me free,” David said. She had not been happy at all, thought they’d done it deliberately because he’d fussed over the hair in the first place, hadn’t wanted it at all.</p><p>“She let you cut your hair short after that though,” Laura mused.</p><p>“True,” David agreed, “Oh oh!”</p><p>“Here we go,” Laura said.</p><p>“One time I got you, with the snake!”</p><p>“What?” Jake looked at him wide-eyed, the idea that he’d picked up a snake clearly alarming.</p><p>David had barely touched it, had braved it just to get at Laura.</p><p>“We were camping and somehow he caught a snake and threw it my tent,” Laura told them.</p><p>“Daddy that’s mean,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Why am <em>I</em> mean?” David asked.</p><p>“That was the one time you got her?” Beth asked, grinning.</p><p>“Yep it was pretty good though,” David insisted, he figured that one prank was worth at least four of Laura’s.</p><p>“I guess,” Matteo said, unimpressed.</p><p>David frowned at him. “You guess?”</p><p>“They’re all a bit tame these pranks,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Really what did you do then?” Laura asked affronted, while Beth patted her arm.</p><p>“One time I convinced Jonas to stay in this old abandoned house that was supposed to be haunted. He had to stay the whole night and while he was in there I snuck in covered in flour scared the absolute crap out of him. He didn’t speak to me for weeks. Another time you know the science skeletons? I stole the arm and put the hand round his neck so he woke up and thought he was being murdered,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok so Matteo is evil,” Beth said.</p><p>“It’s that face, right? He seems so innocent, I bet you drove your poor mum absolute crazy,” Laura said.</p><p>“I really did. One time I almost got banned from church because I was singing in choir and Jonas came to see, Jonas isn’t religious so I’d already told him all sorts and after I’d sung I pretended to test him with holy water. I pretended to throw it at him but it was actually water from the kettle, just hot not boiling and he started screaming that it was burning and rolling around on the floor. He thought he was going to dissolve. Father Tomas was not impressed,” Matteo said, struggling to contain his laughter.</p><p>“Dear god Matteo,” David said.</p><p>“It’s a wonder he stayed friends with you,” Beth said.</p><p>“He never really tried to get me back either,” Matteo said, gesturing for Alex to eat more.</p><p>“He probably knew it wasn’t worth the retaliation,” David said, “probably was too scared of you.”</p><p>Matteo huffed. “Uh oh she’s thinking,” he said. They all looked at Jamilah who was grinning.</p><p>“Papa can you take holy water out of church?” she asked sweetly.</p><p>David just knew she wanted to take some to school and freak out the other children with it. Would probably cause all kinds of trouble. </p><p>“No pranks Jammy,” Matteo warned.</p><p>David made a mental note not to accept any food or drink she offered him for the next few weeks.</p><p>Laura was still pouting at Matteo. David shifted closer and wrapped an arm around him, kissing his cheek. “You’ve upset Laura,” he whispered.</p><p>Matteo looked up at her surprised.</p><p>“You made my pranks look lame,” she said.</p><p>“Oh I didn’t mean to,” he said.</p><p>“Little terror that you were,” she said, smiling at him. Then she turned to David. “By the way mum really wants dinner, I can’t keep blowing her off. Also, she’s been telling everyone you’ve made it big in America, just so you know.”</p><p>David scoffed. “This is my third American movie,” he reminded her. “She would know that if she actually watched them.”</p><p>She didn’t watch them not properly, not with the love and attention the others all did. Even the kids had a better understanding of what he made. </p><p>She accepted him sure but still didn't want “all that stuff” shoved in her face. And she wondered why he was never enthusiastic about visiting. She could talk about him, show him off to her friends but the moment they asked what his movies were about all she would say were they were independent movies. Never elaborating on the topic for fear of embarrassment.</p><p>His dad watched them, every single movie he’d made they’d watched together. He loved films. Him and his godmother both. It was why David had got into in the first place. And why his dad was so proud of him. It meant he was able to appreciate what David had created. He was always impressed, always got the message and would discuss it with him at length. Every time he watched one of his films he thanked him afterwards, for creating art and beauty, for making him think, for allowing him to watch something so poignant and wonderful.</p><p>“Are you going?” Matteo asked Beth. Both of them felt similarly at being dragged to the Schreibner house.</p><p>“I’ll go if you do,” she said.</p><p>“Can we come?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“No,” David and Laura said immediately</p><p>Jamilah huffed.</p><p>“It’s a dinner, its not fun,” Laura explained, reaching out and stroking her face.</p><p>“Wouldn’t you rather go to nana’s house?” David asked her.</p><p>“Oh yes please,” she said eagerly.</p><p>“Ok in a couple of weeks Laura, give me a bit more time to settle in,” David insisted.</p><p>“Still making up for lost time?” Laura teased.</p><p>“Go away Laura,” David said.</p><p>“Aunt Laura-”</p><p>“Jamilah,” David warned, wary of the excited tone in her voice.</p><p>“Let her speak,” Laura insisted.</p><p>“The other day daddy and papa left us alone, they were upstairs kissing in the bed and we were starving andpapa was <em>naked</em>,” Jamilah said, she paused knowing that would make them laugh.</p><p>Beth very nearly dropped her glass of wine. Alex and Laura were crying with laughter at how matter of factly she said it and Matteo just hid his head in his hands.</p><p>“I’d just gotten out of the shower,” he muttered.</p><p>David couldn’t help but laugh despite the fact he was probably encouraging her. She knew what she was doing too, didn’t quite know why it was funny but knew they would laugh. She always loved it when she made them laugh.</p><p>“Just to be clear, you weren’t alone you were with Alex, we were only gone five minutes, and you’d had fruit as soon as you got home from school. It’s not my fault you have worms.”</p><p>She stuck her tongue out at him.</p><p>“Jake,” Beth warned.</p><p>He was leaning out of his chair, Parsley by his feet.</p><p>“Please,” he asked sweetly.</p><p>“One piece,” she said.</p><p>“Just one,” he agreed, breaking up the chicken nugget and feeding it to Parsley, giggling when he nipped at his fingers.</p><p>“I’d never get away with that,” Laura said. “And I made those from scratch they’re perfectly cat friendly,” she added.</p><p>“That’s because you’re not as cute,” Beth countered immediately.</p><p>David just grinned at his sister while she scowled at her wife. </p><p>He loved her so much, wasn’t grateful to his parents for much but he was grateful for Laura. He was grateful that they hadn’t fought her when she’d taken him from them when she’d left. It was the one thing from his childhood they’d gotten right. They’d failed him but in allowing Laura to pick up the pieces they’d given him a fighting chance.</p><p>On Monday it was finally time for David to do some work. he’d had a full week at home spending all his time with Matteo and the kids, it was all he ever wanted to do. He finally felt like he was catching up with all the cuddles he’d missed from the little ones. Matteo was finally starting to accept he was back. It was tough, he’d struggled so much these past months. It had left him fragile and vulnerable but he was letting David take care of him now, talking it through working on getting back to the strongest man David had ever known. </p><p>It had been hard to drag himself away from Matteo and Matty who were playing shapes in the living room. Matty had started crying when he’d stood up to leave and it had taken a lot of strength to leave him with Matteo. </p><p>But it was only a few hours and he could take as many breaks as he wanted to cuddle little Matty. Most of the work now would be meetings and phone calls, plus a lot of time reviewing the scenes his editors sent over. That would be the majority of his working day, with most of the meetings in the evenings due to the time difference. </p><p>He’d managed to lock himself in his office for a few hours and it was slow going. The first hour he’d wasted in a meeting with Francis which ended up just the two of them chatting, David filling him in on everything that had happened in the week since he’d been home. Francis catching him up with his life. He was mostly back to performing and spending time at home just like him, so he got it he would never judge David for taking his time getting back to work.</p><p>But eventually, he’d had to say goodbye and focus on the files his editors had sent over. He couldn’t spend all his work time chatting with his friend. </p><p>So he was trying to focus but he swore every time he managed to get anywhere he could hear Matty laughing in the other room and all he wanted to do was go play. Of course, the first day he got back to work was the day Matty decided he didn’t want a nap, had boundless energy.</p><p>He was grateful when there was a knock at the door.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Hey David,” Alex said, coming into the office and sitting down in the chair opposite him, spinning it slightly.</p><p>“Hey, ok?”</p><p>“Yeah I just got back, I just wanted to say Waters was super jumpy around me in art today, didn’t say anything to me, I think he was scared so thank you,” she said.</p><p>David grinned in delight, he wished he’d been there to see it. Would’ve loved to watch that asshole squirm.</p><p>“No problem, he should be scared,” he said, holding his hand up for a high-five.</p><p>She met it with a grin. “My application was accepted,” she said.</p><p>“Yes! That’s brilliant, you’re going to win,” David said. </p><p>“Maybe,” Alex said, she actually seemed confident in her chances, which was amazing. The progress she’d made already was astounding. </p><p>Alex didn't seem eager to leave either, sat spinning in the chair, seemed to want his company. “Did Matteo really have a go at Waters? What did he say to make him so nervous?” she asked.</p><p>“It was more the way he said it, it’s very rare to see him angry, you may get to see it once or twice, it’ll be on your behalf if you do. It’s scary. When I’m angry I get louder, I don’t shout a lot but it’s clear I’m wound up when I’m pissed, it’s all the typical signs of anger. When Matteo’s angry it’s scary,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I think it’s because he’s just so calm or... no that’s not true but he’s just he really doesn’t ever yell, so even when he’s spitting mad he can stay calm. Like you would have to really wind him up to get him to shout. It’s years of practice mind but his tone it’s so cold, like even though they don’t know him they paid attention immediately, I could never get them to listen like that, I don’t have the patience,” David told her.</p><p>“Oh,” Alex said, scooting her chair forward.</p><p>“I hate that voice, if I didn’t want to hear how it went I would’ve left the room. Matteo is not cold and I hate to hear it, he used to have to use it for work sometimes it always unsettled me,” David said.</p><p>“Has he ever used it on you?” </p><p>“Never, my mum once though, a few years back, I don’t think I've ever seen my mum so nervous,” David said.</p><p>It had been back when they’d first gotten Jamilah and David had had his mini-breakdown over how they’d treated him as a kid. He’d needed his space and she wouldn’t listen, wanted to meet her granddaughter. He’d told her to stay away, just give him time to regroup. Instead, she’d shown up at the house with gifts for Jamilah.</p><p>David couldn’t handle seeing her but she’d barged her way in anyway. Matteo had sent him upstairs with Jamilah, when he’d come back down without her Matteo had been making it clear she was to stay away. He’d called her out on her parenting, asked her why she thought she’d be allowed to see their child when she’d let down and hurt her own so horrifically. He’d pointed out every single harmful she’d ever done, highlighted how they would never dream of rejecting Jamilah let alone anything so fundamental about her. She looked so shocked that they thought she was a danger to Jamilah, that what she’d done to him had hurt him so badly. She’d walked away in silence.</p><p>David had broken down in Matteo’s arms the second after the door swung shut. They’d ended up on the floor Matteo holding him while he cried until Jamilah came back down and demanded a bedtime story. That had immediately lifted his mood and he’d just cuddled her close and told her stories until she fell asleep. </p><p>It took time but his mother tried and she apologised for how she’d treated him. She learnt how harmful her behaviour was and she was sorry for it. It wasn’t easy, things would never be fully comfortable between them but he did want her in his life, and he wanted her to be a part of the kids’ too. So he’d take awkward dinners and uncomfortable holiday celebrations with them, knowing that she did love him and she meant well.</p><p>“Also to be clear we’re not going to let this slide with Waters. They don’t get to treat you like that and the school should be held accountable. Providing you with a safe place to learn is their one job,” David told her. “Is that ok? Apart from making the statement, which we will help you with, that’s it, we’ll sort it,” he said.</p><p>She smiled. “I want to, it’s nice that you have my back,” she said.</p><p>“Always,” David promised.</p><p>“Can I get a lift in the morning?” she asked.</p><p>David wondered if that was the real reason she was here, to ask. He didn’t think so, he thought she probably wanted company, which he didn’t mind at all. It was a welcome distraction for the little work he’d gotten done.</p><p>“Yeah course, is this gonna become regular?” he asked.</p><p>“I don’t like getting the bus,” she said quietly, “sorry, it’s just so busy.”</p><p>She was travelling at rush hour and unfortunately, her school just wasn’t close by. There were two a little closer but she didn’t want to move. They didn’t want to move her either, she was doing well there. David didn’t mind giving her lifts but she liked to be independent.</p><p>“I get that,” David said, “ok let me think... you’re not allowed to drive yet, can you ride a bike?”</p><p>She nodded eagerly. “Yeah.”</p><p>“You can borrow mine for now but I'll get you a bike how does that sound? Be warned if you get a bike you’ll have to go out with Jammy on adventures,”</p><p>“I’d like that, I don’t mind,” she said.</p><p>“Perfect. And then I'll drive you through the winter because it’ll be too cold, but in the spring you can cycle again, and we can do driving lessons. We’re going to look at new cars later this week but I've said we should keep the old one for you to at least practice in,” David suggested.</p><p>“Thank you, is it scary? Driving?”</p><p>“At first? Terrifying but it becomes pretty automatic, like riding a bike,” David assured her.</p><p>It had been difficult for him, had taken him a long time to learn and he found it frustrating. He always got annoyed when he wasn’t good at something immediately but driving was complicated. Matteo was the opposite though, somehow a complete natural at it. Probably because he was so patient, probably because he listened to his instructor and never tried to show off or get ahead.</p><p>“Cool. Are you working?” she asked.</p><p>“Supposed to be but it’s a struggle, wanna watch?” he asked.</p><p>“Yes please,” she said.</p><p>“Scoot round then,” he said.</p><p>She rolled the chair round the desk so she was sat next to him and he loaded up the files he’d been sent.</p><p>“Ok so my editors have sent me some scenes, they’ve been working hard all last week-”</p><p>“While you were being lazy?”</p><p>“Yep,” he said, opening up a video, “ok in this scene Samuel is at a party and he very much doesn’t want to be there.”</p><p>They watched Samuel wandering around the grand house of one his schoolmates. It was all very fast-paced. Flashing lights, loud music. Just how he remembered those awful highschool parties being. Damn, he was getting old. House parties meant something completely different these days.</p><p>Something felt off about the scene, he couldn’t put his finger on it, all he knew was that he wasn’t happy with it.</p><p>“It’s very choppy,” Alex said.</p><p>“Yeah that’s the party feel,” David explained, it was to portray how loud and quick everything was in these situations.</p><p>“I just…”</p><p>“No, I wanna hear it, be as brutal as you like,” David said.</p><p>“Ok it’s choppy and that’s good for a party in general but he doesn’t want to be there, is he drunk?”</p><p>He had an idea of where she was going with this and he had the same idea. “No,” he said.</p><p>“So it’s boring for him?” she asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” David said.</p><p>“So make it drag,” she said.</p><p>That was actually what he’d been thinking too, that it was too fast. She definitely had a good eye for this, it was impressive. “That’s really good, I can slow it down too, to make it feel even more drawn out,” he said.</p><p>“Exactly because that’s how it feels at these things,” she said.</p><p>She definitely had more recent experience of that than him. It was probably almost fifteen years since he’d finished film school and these things petered out. He’d much rather spend his Fridays and Saturdays chilling with Matteo and hanging out with the kids. He couldn't even remember why he’d found all the booze and noise fun in the first place. It had been nice, hanging with his friends but wasn’t it just nicer to all have dinner together? He didn’t say that to Alex though, she was just starting to think he was cool.</p><p>“Yeah?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah like you never wanted to go and you just want to go home or just leave at least and you can’t drink or have any fun because you’re in care so it’s just totally boring and you’re in these fucking houses which the kids are totally taking advantage of. They have no idea how lucky they have to have a roof over their head and its fucking horrible,” she said.</p><p>“Oh wow ok that’s really good,” he said, “that actually makes sense. I can actually remember feeling similar, like the never fitting in, being jealous of the other kids who had it easier.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Absolutely, but it turned out ok for me, it will for you I promise. Ok, we’ll get some long shots of him longing because he doesn't have all this,” David said.</p><p>“Exactly,” she said. </p><p>David reached out and squeezed her shoulder gently, hesitating until she nodded before actually touching her. “You do have a home now,” he reminded her, “but no house parties I'm afraid, not on this level.”</p><p>The party in this scene was a rager, the house ended up trashed. He liked his house very much intact and was too old to be dealing with puking teenagers.</p><p>“I only have like two friends,” Alex reminded him.</p><p>“Well, they’re welcome over anytime. Ok so when Louis od’s we speed it up,” he said, adding his comments to the file.</p><p>“Yeah for the panic like obviously it’s scary but that’s also when the party gets interesting,” she said.</p><p>“Excellent.”</p><p>“Do you do it?” she asked.</p><p>“Nah I make notes and send it back, I'll get a couple more scenes over the next few days if you wanted to do some more,” he asked.</p><p>“Do your job for you?” </p><p>He thumped her arm gently and she grinned. “But that’s the basic process, this is just early post-production, there’s more to it, I can show you. When we’re in Madrid you can come on set with me, see production in action. Does that sound cool?” he asked, pretty excited about having someone who truly got this to talk to. She would be fed up of him pretty quick, he tended to get so over the top about his work when someone wanted to listen. Matteo always listened and was interested but only because it was him. Alex would listen objectively, she also wasn’t afraid to be rude or critical, he loved that.</p><p>“Am I coming with you to Madrid?” Alex asked, surprised.</p><p>“Yeah of course,” David said, frowning.</p><p>“Oh ok,” she said.</p><p>Had she really thought she wasn’t coming with them? That they would what, leave her behind? All by herself at Christmas? Not a chance. He wondered how long it had been since she’d had a Christmas.</p><p>“Alex it’ll be Christmas time we’re not going to leave you behind, it’s family time,” he said.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Been a while?” </p><p>“Yeah I don’t really do Christmas,” she admitted.</p><p>“Because of religion or because you just haven’t had the chance?” David asked.</p><p>“Because I haven’t had the chance,” she said sadly, looking down at her hands.</p><p>“Then we’ll do a big Christmas, a big Spanish Christmas, that’ll be fun,” David said.</p><p>“What about Jamillah?” she asked.</p><p>“Jamilah does Christmas with us and then we give her presents all year round to negate the Christianity. Don’t ask that was my idea and it made sense when I thought of it,” he told her. "But we go over to our friend Amira's for Eid and stuff."</p><p>To Matteo Christmas was about church and his mama, to David it was just present day, pretty much permission for him to spoil the kids, so he loved it.</p><p>“Ok,” she said.</p><p>“And I'm Jewish too, so we also do Hanukkah with Beth and Laura, but then I send pictures of us doing Christmas to piss off my parents,” he said, laughing. The first year he’d done it to piss them off but he’d kept it up every year since. They didn’t even get angry, were just happy to get pictures of their grandchildren happy. They even went round to theirs last year so he didn’t even know why he still kept it up. Just an excuse to keep in contact he supposed.</p><p>“Does it work?” she asked.</p><p>“Nah ‘cause Matteo’s too soft and he sends them Hanukkah pictures too,” David said. </p><p>“Do they love him?” she asked knowingly.</p><p>“They really do,” David said fondly, “hello,” he said as the door opened slowly, it had only been shut to not closed. Matty toddled in, grinning and holding his arms up for a hug.</p><p>“Dadda!”</p><p>“Come up here Matty,” David said, scooping him up.</p><p>“Lex!” he squealed.</p><p>“Oh,” Alex whispered.</p><p>“Did you say Alex?” David cooed.</p><p>“Ya! Lex! A...lex!</p><p>“Oh my god,” she said.</p><p>“That’s right your it’s your big sister Alex,” David said.</p><p>Matty giggled. “Ya! Alex!”</p><p>“He knows me,” Alex said.</p><p>“Yeah of course he does he’s my smart baby,” David said.</p><p>“Dadda!” Matty started reaching for Alex, he probably wanted her hair, he loved to grab it.</p><p>“Mimmo!” Matteo called out.</p><p>“He’s in here,” David called back.</p><p>Matteo burst into the room looking harried. “Shit I-” </p><p>“Calm down honey, the entire house is baby-proofed,” David reminded him.</p><p>“Yeah I know, damn ten seconds I looked away,” Matteo said, running a hand through his hair. “You working still?”</p><p>“Yes, showing Alex, she’s gonna come on set in Madrid,” David said.</p><p>Matteo leant against the door frame. “Oh that's nice and you can go around and do photoshoots of the city, it’s very different to Berlin, I think you’ll love it. You have photographers on set right?”</p><p>“Right,” David agreed. She could talk to the photographers, get an idea about the professional side of things. David couldn’t wait, it was going to be such a nice break for them. He’d worked for maybe two hours and he was already ready for it.</p><p>“She can talk to them,” Matteo said. “I'm gonna go get the twins can Mim stay with you?”</p><p>“Yeah no worries,” David said.</p><p>“Ok there’s a lasagne in the oven can you take it out in fifteen minutes if I’m not back?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“Yep,” David said.</p><p>“David,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“I’ll remember,” Alex said.</p><p>“Thank you, Alex,” Matteo said.</p><p>“How dare you?”</p><p>Matteo ignored him and headed out.</p><p>“Will you come see my photos?” Alex asked.</p><p>“Of course I'd love to, me and Matteo, is there a ceremony?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” she said.</p><p>“We can get Laura to babysit, get dressed up, you can wear your dress,” David suggested.</p><p>“No actually I saw a really nice suit online, it’s purple,” she said.</p><p>“Ooh you should get it,” David said.</p><p>“No I wanted to try it on, me and Nida are gonna go into town on Thursday after school,” she said.</p><p>David just smiled, already she was getting more comfortable, understanding that she deserved to have stuff. That she could now.</p><p>“You have therapy Thursday,” he reminded her.</p><p>“I know, she’s gonna wait for me,” Alex said.</p><p>“She’s sweet, Nida,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah, but can I?”</p><p>“Go to town? Yeah of course, will you need a lift back?”</p><p>“Probably not it won’t be late,” she said.</p><p>“You ok for money?”</p><p>“Yeah, I still have almost all the money you gave me last weekend,” she said.</p><p>“Don’t forget to get some like everyday clothes you need more, and it’s getting cold maybe get a proper coat,” he suggested.</p><p>“I will thanks, right I'm gonna get the lasagne,” she said, standing up.</p><p>“Shit,” David muttered.</p><p>“It’s alright its right on time, few minutes to go,” she assured him.</p><p>“Shall we eat it all before Matteo comes home?” David joked.</p><p>“No? It’s gonna be scalding hot, if you want to burn your mouth feel free,” Alex said.</p><p>“Oooh Alex savage,” David said, standing up and shifting Matty to his hip, about to follow her to the kitchen.</p><p>“Thank you,” she said quietly.</p><p>“What for?”</p><p>“Just everything, the school. I’ve never been like… so fiercely defended before, what you or Matteo did, no one’s ever done that for me,” she said.</p><p>“Well you’re stuck with us now so prepare for a lifetime of it,” David said.</p><p>She was stood close so David carefully reached out and squeezed her shoulder. He still had Matty in one arm, currently reaching for Alex. Alex stared at Matty then at David. He held out his arm and she stepped under it. It wasn’t quite a hug, not like he would Matteo or the kids but slowly she leaned into him. </p><p>“Ok?” David asked gently.</p><p>“Just thank you, it means so much, this too, I want a hug more than anything but I just can’t yet,” she said.</p><p>“Jamilah will be home soon,” David reminded her.</p><p>“Very true,” she said.</p><p>Seconds later he heard the door slam and everyone bundling into the house, Matteo went straight to the kitchen.</p><p>“Fuck,” David muttered.</p><p>Alex giggled.</p><p>A minute later Matteo barged into the office, the twins close behind. He took one look at the two of them and couldn’t help but smile, he quickly schooled it into a disgruntled expression. “This is great and moving and all but did you want to eat tonight?” he demanded.</p><p>“Oh come on,” David said, he let go of Alex, who immediately picked up Jamilah instead. He put Matty down and walked toward his husband. </p><p>“Thank god the oven’s on a timer,” Matteo said, taking a step back from him.</p><p>“Then why did I need to take it out?”</p><p>“Prove you pay attention to me,” Matteo teased.</p><p>“Oh I'll show you attention,” he said, backing Matteo up against the wall.</p><p>Matteo’s hands immediately went to his waist as David held him in place.</p><p>“Daddy what are you doing?” Jamilah asked. Alex put her down and she marched up to them, hand on hip.</p><p>“Papa is being silly, so I’m going to teach him a lesson,” David told her, Matteo didn’t look particularly afraid, more like excited.</p><p>“You’re going to kiss him,” Jamilah accused.</p><p>“I am,” David said.</p><p>“Gross evacuate!” she yelled.</p><p>David looked around wildly as all the kids, Alex included fled the room screaming.</p><p>“Well that’s new,” David mused.</p><p>“Evacuate? We can empty rooms now David, the power we have!” Matteo said.</p><p>David just leant forward and kissed him, if that was all it took to shoo the kids away he would be doing it a lot more. Matteo’s arms tightened around his waist. </p><p>“Alex let you hug her,” Matteo observed, pulling back slightly.</p><p>“She really wants a hug, she’s so affectionate, she’s been so starved of it for so long but she’s already getting used to how freely it is given in this house. She’s starting to trust it,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah, she’s seen it, the way we interact with the kids. She knows it’s safe. We just gotta be careful with it. She likes hugs, it’s the trust and the fear that’s a problem, her comfort comes first but sometimes her comfort is the need to be hugged you know?”</p><p>“If we’re careful with it, she’ll know she can always come to us for affection,” David said. “That may never be hugs but we’ll find a balance, and meanwhile I think she’ll always have Jamilah for that.”</p><p>“Exactly,” Matteo agreed.</p><p>They both knew one day whether it was a week or a year from now she would trust them enough that there would be no doubt in her mind that she could rely on them for affection and love, and that she could share it freely with them too. She would learn that she could come to them for support on any matter and they would give it without hesitation. She was part of the family and they looked after each other.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>They're well on their way to fine! Next week we're heading to A&amp;E and Alex is finally gonna get the hug she's deserved for years.</p><p>
  <a href="http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com">theo (@youmustbestrongernow)</a>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. i am fine with where i am now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Matteo <em>never</em> wanted to see Jake hurt, he certainly never wanted to ever see him in the hospital but he was ok. It had been an absolutely awful day but if they played it exactly right by the end of the night Alex would finally believe she was here to stay. It would be painful, there would be tears but if she believed them everything would be wonderful.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David had already been back with him for almost two weeks now and Matteo had almost forgotten how awful it had been having him away. Not forgotten exactly, that wasn’t quite right but the pain certainly wasn’t as immediate anymore. It was more like he’d gotten used to having David back and that was overshadowing the pain of before. It already felt like he hadn’t left, that everything was back to how it was before he had. Like they were well on the way to settled again. They were back to their normal routines, plus some new ones like David driving Alex to school in the mornings and Matteo was loving it.</p><p>Matteo may have been one to hold onto his fears and his worries, dwell on things for a long time but he was comfortable in the knowledge that David was staying. He knew he wasn’t going anywhere and that negated the pain and allowed him to get back to the level of happiness he’d had before David left. Because this past job was different, this had hurt both of them but it had hurt David a lot. David was staying because he couldn’t leave again, wasn’t strong enough to ever go through that and Matteo could believe that, would never doubt his pain.</p><p>As much as he would like to revel in the fact the pain was easing and carry on oblivious he knew that he wasn’t healthy right now. David wasn’t the cause or the cure for his depression. This particular episode wasn’t caused by David leaving but the huge change to his routine, followed by him trying to fight it and ignore it. The past few months had completely wiped him out mentally, and that had taken a huge toll on him. It had left him anxious and his mood had gone through the floor. He’d been so happy and relieved that David was back but it wasn’t enough and he’d been completely unable to enjoy it.</p><p>But yesterday he’d been back to see Nina, his therapist. He’d been putting it off for too long, and he’d finally dragged himself back. In part because of David’s nagging but also because he knew how necessary it was. He’d put it off because he knew it would hurt but he’d had to go so he did. It had been tough but he’d talked it through with her at length and she hadn’t chastised him once. Not that he’d been expecting her to but still it was nice to talk about his mind with someone who wasn’t David. Get the reassurance from someone who could be objective and reassure him that he was ok, that he hadn’t handled things as badly as he thought he had. She’d told him he was already well on the way to being back on track and now he really felt like it.</p><p>She’d told him that his reaction to David leaving was not wrong or over the top, that his struggles with the change to his routine were understandable. She’d said his breakdown at David’s return was not an overreaction, that he’d reached breaking point and the episode that followed was only to be expected. Now they were working on him making his way back from that and getting back to the balance he’d had before David left. It really felt manageable again. It wasn't daunting anymore. Things were ok. He was happy and he could finally enjoy it properly. There was no guilt that David was staying because of him and the guilt he felt about being tired faded every morning when David took a nap with him because he was just as tired. He accepted that just because he’d been a bit out of it at first didn’t mean the time they spent together wasn’t quality time. David certainly didn't see it that way, he was just as happy as Matteo to just lay about together idly chatting and playing with the kids. It was all either of them needed. It was perfect.</p><p>So no David wasn’t the cure to anything but him being around certainly helped. He was happy and calm and could trust in the fact his husband wasn't going anywhere, that he had the love and support of his whole family and he could get through this just like he always did. Nina had told him he could work on his mind and still enjoy the present so that was what he was doing. Or trying to at least. Just because he was happy and excited his husband was home didn’t mean his husband wasn’t also the most annoying man he knew. And loved.</p><p>Right now he was trying to decide on dinner but David wasn’t letting him. He’d tried looking in the fridge and the pantry to see what they had and every time David pulled him away to kiss him. Annoying but wonderful. But the kids were in the garden and they’d be expecting food soon, he couldn’t just make out with David, as much as he wanted to. </p><p>David’s energy was all over the place because of the weird hours he was keeping so he was up early in the mornings to help with the school run. Then back to bed so that he had the energy to stay up late and work. But he was particularly energetic in the afternoons and never seemed to want to use that energy for work. Would just follow Matteo around the house while he did chores. Even the kids left him to it, thought they were just being gross and wanted no part of it. Matteo loved it of course but he needed to cook.</p><p>“David the kids are gonna come in here whining over hungry tummies,” Matteo mumbled against his lips.</p><p>“We’ll just give them sweets,” David suggested.</p><p>“David!”</p><p>“Order a pizza?”</p><p>“No David,” Matteo whispered, yet he couldn’t pull away from him. He’d be willing to starve for this but he couldn't let the kids go hungry. </p><p>He was pressed against the counter, David’s hands on his waist and right now he wasn’t going anywhere. He could probably whip up something quick when they started screaming for food.</p><p>“You’re such a food snob,” David said, pressing a kiss to his lips, “and because of that we have a family of food snobs.”</p><p>“Who turn their noses up at your food?”</p><p>“Even Alex now! And she eats everything, she has junk food under her bed for goodness sake. But the other night she was up and hungry, I offered to make her an omelette but she just gave me this look and took the leftovers from the fridge and scurried away.”</p><p>“My food is so good even the leftovers don’t last long,” Matteo said.</p><p>“You’re insufferable,” David muttered, pushing him against the counter. Matteo wrapped his arms around his neck and let David lift him up onto the counter, draping himself over him.</p><p>“Also to be fair to Alex, she’s tried your attempt at tofu so-”</p><p>David didn’t even answer that just held him in place, punishing him with more kisses.</p><p>“I’m hungry too David,” Matteo said half-heartedly, he wasn’t going to be able to pull away and he knew it.</p><p>“Ok.” David kissed him, “two,” and again, “minutes.”</p><p>Matteo just sighed and kissed him back, by his count they probably still had about eight thousand kisses to catch up, based on David’s previous numbers. That was a lot of kissing and Matteo wasn’t complaining. The only one who was complaining was Jamilah because apparently, it interfered with her studies, her food, and her need for attention. Despite the fact, they’d never once ignored her. </p><p>There was a loud clatter then as Jamilah came running into the kitchen, desperate and frantic. David and Matteo pulled apart and turned to her with concern.</p><p>“Papa! Papa!” She was extremely worried and on the verge of tears. If she wanted him someone was probably hurt. They went to him for bumps and bruises because he usually stayed calmer, David panicked more over that, got stressed at them being hurt. Not that Matteo was ok with them being hurt it was just that often it helped the kids if he stayed calm. </p><p>So Matteo was immediately on high alert but didn’t show it. He calmly pulled back from David properly and jumped down from the counter, crouching down in front of her.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” he asked gently.</p><p>“Jake fell, from the tree, he’s hurt, badly papa,” she said, wiping her eyes furiously.</p><p>Matteo straightened up, David picked her up and together they headed out into the garden. It wouldn’t do to rush and panic him so he waved at Jake and calmly approached him. Jake was sitting on the grass with Alex, Matty beside them and he smiled at Matteo as they got near. They were over by the big tree, Matteo could already guess what had happened. Jake was clutching his arm to his chest, looking a little shocked. His glasses were askew and he was blinking slowly but not crying. He was calm because Alex was with him. He always knew he was safe with her.</p><p>If Alex hadn’t been there he would have run over but panic and worry would only make him more aware of his pain so calm it was. It would also help David and Jamilah to stay calm and hopefully not freak Alex out, she was probably already terrified. </p><p>Matteo crouched down in front of him, took off his glasses and passed them to David who pocketed them. They were the super scratch proof kid kind, they would be fine.</p><p>“Ok Jakey?” he said gently.</p><p>Jake nodded slowly, slightly shaken. “Hurts,” he whispered.</p><p>“Your arm? May I see?” Matteo asked. </p><p>Jake shook his head. “Hurts,” he said again.</p><p>Matteo turned to David who was waiting for his instructions, ready to follow Matteo’s lead on this. “Ok, David?”</p><p>“Yeah?” he asked, putting Jamilah down, she immediately sat down beside Alex, pulling Matty into her lap.</p><p>“Come sit behind Jakey, I need you to hold him while I look at his arm,” he said. David nodded and did as he said. He knew his husband was already freaking out about this but unfortunately, he couldn’t do much to comfort him. Hopefully holding Jake and having him close, seeing that he was mostly ok would help.</p><p>Matteo turned to Alex but she was in no state to answer, terrified, on the verge of breaking down, running away. He’d deal with that next, reassure her she’d done nothing wrong but Jake was the immediate concern. Despite her worry and upset in the kitchen, after Matty, Jamilah was the calmest right now.</p><p>“Jammy? Sweetheart? Can you tell me what happened?” he asked.</p><p>“We were climbing the tree, me and Jakey. I told him to. I jumped down but Jake fell, I’m sorry papa,” she explained.</p><p>He’d suspected as much, Jake was brave when Jamilah was beside him but the moment she wasn’t was probably when he realised how high up he was, how far away the ground was. Then he panicked and fell. It wasn’t Jamilah’s fault, it was only her fault that he was up in the tree but they would never blame her for his fall.</p><p>“It was my fault,” Alex said, finally speaking up.</p><p>“No it wasn’t, it was no one’s fault,” Matteo said, knowing she wouldn’t believe him just yet. He would have to tell her this many times over the next few hours and hopefully she would hear him. “If it was anyone's fault it was mine and David’s.”</p><p>They should’ve been watching them, they both knew they couldn’t take their eyes off them for a second. Yes, Alex was out there and yes she was older and more sensible than the monsters but it wasn’t her fault when they started climbing trees. When something went wrong it was entirely their responsibility, not hers.</p><p>“Yeah I should’ve been watching, I was mucking around in the kitchen, I dropped the ball not you Alex,” David assured her, reaching out and squeezing her shoulder briefly. She didn’t shrug him off just stayed quiet but she was trembling. He gave her a smile then turned to Jake who was waiting calmly, despite his pain he knew he was safe, he knew they would make it go away. </p><p>“Ok Jake, I’m going to hold you now and papa’s going to take a look at your arm,” David told him.</p><p>“It’ll hurt,” Jake cried, while he stayed still the pain was minimised but as soon as Matteo moved his arm it would hurt. He knew this because Alex had obviously gotten him to hold his arm like he was doing.</p><p>“It will,” Matteo said honestly, he was not going to lie about that. He was pretty sure a fall from that height would’ve broken the arm and there was no avoiding the pain until it was set and supported. But he would be as careful as he could to avoid causing any unnecessary pain. “It will hurt and I’m really sorry. I have to have a look but I will be really gentle and as quick as possible.” </p><p>He waited for Jake to agree, he wasn’t going to move the arm until he was ready. Jake was conscious and aware of what was happening to him, he needed to be ready for the pain that was to come.</p><p>Jake nodded and looked up at David with shining eyes. David kissed his forehead tenderly, then ever so carefully pulled him onto his knee. Matteo slowly took Jake’s arm and examined it, running his fingers over it, checking for swelling and tenderness, watching the little frown on Jake’s face as he screwed it up in pain, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. Matteo was pretty sure it was broken, so he pinched his fingertips. They were cold and he didn’t react to the touch. He wasn’t sure if that was right but he remembered seeing it somewhere. That a break caused numbness.</p><p>“Ok Jakey I think your arm is broken, so we need to go to the hospital,” he said.</p><p>“Oh god I’m so sorry,” Alex whispered.</p><p>“Not your fault,” Matteo insisted, “they don’t even think about falling at his age.”</p><p>Matteo took off his t-shirt and gently tugged it over Jake’s head. David helped him by holding Jake still and very carefully he tucked Jake’s arm into the shirt and bound it up so that it was secure against his chest. Then he wiped away Jake’s tears and stroked his face while David held him until the pain of all the movement passed.</p><p>“I broke my arm like three times as a kid,” David said. “Climbing trees, roller skating, biking, it happens, it wasn’t your fault,” he said.</p><p>“Jake, how are you feeling? Does it still hurt?” Matteo asked. </p><p>“Not as bad but I feel a bit sick,” Jake said, he was pale and clammy. David carefully cuddled him closer to keep him warm.</p><p>“You’re shaking, you’re probably gonna go into shock. Ok Jammy?”</p><p>“Yes papa?”</p><p>“Can you go pour me a glass of cola, the full-sugar kind?”</p><p>There wasn’t really much they could do, there wasn’t time for a nice cup of tea and fizzy pop was the quickest way to bring up his blood sugar. She put Matty down and Alex grabbed him before he toddled off. Jamilah ran off to the kitchen.</p><p>“You need a little sugar Jakey then we’ll take you to the hospital, I don’t want to rush you in case you get dizzy but tell me is it extremely painful? Because we can go right away if you need to,” he assured him</p><p>Jake shook his head. “No. It doesn't hurt that much. It really hurt loads when I fell but the t-shirt helps.”</p><p>“Good, that’s called a sling, it’ll support your arm. You’ll get to have an x-ray and they’ll probably give you a cast. If you’re good they might let you choose the colour. And they’ll give you medicine to help with the pain too, “ Matteo told him.</p><p>“Ok papa,” Jake said.</p><p>David continued to cuddle him gently. Jamilah came back out with the cola. Matteo took it and frowned.</p><p>“He might need anaesthetic?” David guessed.</p><p>Matteo nodded, if he did he wasn’t supposed to eat or drink anything. But it was close to dinner time and he was close to going into shock.</p><p>“Yeah, sorry Jammy can you get juice instead? There’s as much sugar in juice,” Matteo said, a couple of sips of fruit juice was better on his stomach than cola.</p><p>“Yes papa,” she said, scurrying off.</p><p>Matteo turned to Alex. “Ok Alex, I know right now you’re really scared but you didn't hurt Jake you know that right?”</p><p>“It was my fault, I was supposed to be watching him,” Alex said.</p><p>“No you weren't, you are not their babysitter. Yeah, we feel comfortable leaving them with you, but ultimately you were all out here hanging out and playing, we’re responsible not you, did you tell him to climb the tree?” Matteo asked her.</p><p>“I was on my phone,” she whispered, he suspected as much. </p><p>She was just a teenager, being glued to her phone was pretty typical. She wasn’t a parent, didn’t know that they needed to be watched like hawks sometimes. But even him and David couldn’t watch them constantly, five minutes here or there for them to test their limits and independence was ok when they were in the house. There wasn’t much danger they could get into inside. Matteo had never imagined they would try climbing the tree. The general rule as far as he was aware was after they’d gotten past toddler stage that a few minutes and in earshot was ok. It probably meant inside though.</p><p>When he’d been a kid him and Jonas had been free to roam the garden and the neighbouring gardens from age six so Matteo hadn’t thought much of it. The garden was huge, they had the sandpit, the swing set, their bikes, all sorts of fun things to do. But instead, they’d seen the large looming tree and thought ‘yes! I’ll climb this!’, silly twins. As much as he hated to see Jake hurt they’d done nothing wrong, they were just kids learning their limits and boundaries. Yes it was scary but they were safe and they now knew how dangerous climbing could be. Unless they were like David and never learnt their lesson.</p><p>“You were watching Matty?” David asked.</p><p>“Yes he was in the baby swing, I was pushing him gently I promise,” she said.</p><p>Now she was getting scared, thought that they were going to think she was a danger to the kids. That even if they didn’t send her away they would keep her away from them. She loved them a lot and they would never do that. That wasn’t what either of them thought, what they thought was that she was one of them. She was one of the kids and just because she was older than all of them didn’t mean it was her fault or her responsibility when something went wrong. </p><p>“Ok Alex, I know you would never be rough with him, or any of them. The twins need just as much watching as Matty but they’re not as fragile, Jake’ll be ok,” David said. “But I should’ve been out here,” he said again.</p><p>“That’s not your fault Alex, they need constant watching really but… as they grow and get older we will be able to leave them unsupervised for longer periods of time, but I mean minutes here not hours. I really never thought my Jakey would climb a tree,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Jammy told me to,” Jake piped up.</p><p>“Oh I know,” David said, kissing the top of his head.</p><p>They all knew immediately whose idea this was, out of the four of them only Jamilah would think it would be fun to climb up the tree. It wasn’t her fault either, they were just little explorers. Jamilah was very curious about the world, wanted to know everything, so adventurous. She wasn’t scared of anything and by her side, Jake was just as brave.</p><p>“Here,” Jamilah said, handing him the glass of orange juice.</p><p>“Thank you Jammy, this isn’t your fault either,” he assured her. “Jake take a couple of small sips, that should help with the shakiness, you're a little in shock sweetheart it’s just from the excitement and the fall,” he told him, holding the glass to his lips.</p><p>Jake took a couple of sips and then pulled away, pressing himself against David.</p><p>“Hospital?” David said. </p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Ok I’m going to call your mum, she can bring Matty and Alex, then we’ll get Jakey in the car,” he said, standing up.</p><p>He left Jake sitting while he sorted out the logistics. Matteo stayed with Jake but looked up at David, watching him, making sure he was ok and wasn’t going to start panicking. He seemed calm enough, Matteo knew it was because right now he was calm and in charge. David, all of them, trusted him to make everything ok. And he could do this, yes Jake was in pain right now but a broken bone could be fixed.  He could take care of him and help him so he was calm.</p><p>“Yeah ok good plan. Can you put Jammy’s seat in the front and take the baby seat out? You'll need to sit with him,” Matteo said.</p><p>David nodded and wandered off to the car, pressing his phone to his ear as he went.</p><p>“Papa, shall I get you a shirt?” Jamilah asked. </p><p>“Yes please, and a jumper, then can you get your school bag, put in some snacks and books and things? I don’t know how long we’ll be at the hospital for,” Matteo said. “Alex do you want to help her?”</p><p>“I can’t,” she whispered, she was still frozen in place. He knew exactly why she was freaking out, knew exactly what she was worried about.</p><p>“Ok that’s fine stay sitting with us,” he said.</p><p>Alex grabbed his arm. “I don’t want to go back! Please Matteo, I don’t want to go back, I am so sorry,” she insisted.</p><p>“You’re not going anywhere, I never even considered it but I knew you would. That’s why we want mama to bring you to the hospital ok? I don’t want you on your own right now,” he explained.</p><p>“Alex don’t go! I want you to stay,” Jake said, grinning at her, despite the pain in his arm he was happy and he wasn’t upset with Alex. He loved her, would never want her to leave. He thought Alex was very brave, looked up to her. He’d finally accepted that it wasn’t babyish to have a nightlight thanks to her. She’d even suggested to them that they gave him a torch because he didn’t have a phone like her and they’d immediately gotten him a cool unicorn one. She cared about him a great deal, treated him so gently just like he needed. He got why she was so distressed over seeing him hurt. She loved him.</p><p>“This wasn’t your fault,” Matteo reminded her.</p><p>“But…”</p><p>“And you clearly feel terrible even though it wasn’t,” he added. </p><p>“Jake I’m so sorry,” she whispered.</p><p>“But it was Jammy’s fault?” Jake said.</p><p>Matteo smiled at him. “It was but not really, no one wanted you to fall,” he said.</p><p>“How are you so calm?” Alex asked.</p><p>“If we panic, Jake panics. Believe me, I don’t want to see him hurt but… this is easy. A broken arm, he’ll be fine, this we can help with. This is so much easier than nightmares. I know this will heal and he’ll bounce back. I never want Jake to be hurt or in pain but kids are pretty bouncy, I know he’s going to be ok so I can stay calm. I’m scared sure, I don’t ever want to see Jake in hospital but I know he’ll heal quickly from this. Also, Jake what have you learnt?”</p><p>If he panicked then Jake would panic and he would cry and he’d feel his pain more. Right now it was better to just sit and chat with him, assure him everything was ok. That he was absolutely fine and they were taking care of him. It wouldn’t do to freak out, as scary as it was to see him hurt. Jake trusted him and David explicitly, Alex too. If they were fine he knew he was going to be ok.</p><p>Jake giggled. “Not to climb trees?”</p><p>“Exactly, or at least not unless we’re out here and can catch you and help you down, silly boy,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok papa,” Jake said.</p><p>David came back over, pocketing his phone. “Mama’s on her way maybe ten minutes, the car’s ready too,” he said.</p><p>“Ok perfect, Jake can we take you to the car? Daddy will carry you,” Matteo said.</p><p>Jake nodded. “Ok daddy, really gently please,” he said.</p><p>“I’ve got you, sweetheart,” David said, scooping him up so carefully, not jostling his arm at all. Matteo watched him carry him through the side gate and to the car.</p><p>Then Jamilah came running up with his shirt and sweater, her bulging rucksack on her back. Matteo stood up and pulled on the clothes. “Ready?”</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“Go jump in the car, you’re in the front, daddy’s already in the back with Jake,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Matty?”</p><p>“Mimmo is going with nana, do you want to take him through to the front and wait for her?” Matteo suggested, “grab his changing bag from the pram too, please,” he added.</p><p>Jamilah nodded and took Matty’s hand, leading him into the house. Matteo turned to Alex, finally able to give her his full attention.</p><p>“Ok Alex, you ok?” he asked. </p><p>“No,” she admitted.</p><p>“Do you want a hug?” he asked. He knew she did, desperately. He also knew she would say no. All he wanted to do right now was wrap her up in his arms and promise her that she wasn’t going anywhere, but this couldn’t be rushed, needed to be done carefully. If he couldn’t comfort her through touch he would do it through patience and kind words. If she wanted to break down he would listen, if she needed reassurance he would provide it.</p><p>“No I don’t,” she said, standing up and wrapping her arms around herself.</p><p>“Ok,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Do I have to come to the hospital?” she asked.</p><p>“Yes,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Why?” </p><p>“Because if I leave you here you’re going to run away,” he said.</p><p>“I…”</p><p>“And I can’t have that. So for once, I’m going to have to be strict here, I need to keep an eye on you,” he said.</p><p>She actually looked relieved at that. She didn’t want to be on her own, right now she would take overbearing over the freedom she was getting accustomed to. “Ok,” she said.</p><p>“So come on mama will be here soon, need anything from the house?” he asked her.</p><p>“Just my jacket, er… can I bring… my laptop? I have homework,” she asked.</p><p>He didn’t miss the way she hesitated. “It’s still your laptop Alex, we won’t take it back. If you need me to call the school in the morning, I can, when’s your homework due?”</p><p>“Next week,” she said.</p><p>“You’re such a nerd,” Matteo said, bumping her shoulder, “you don’t have to bring it, if you want to call tonight a write off I’ll sort it with the school.”</p><p>He followed her into the house, made sure everything was turned off then waited for her at the door. She came downstairs reluctantly, her rucksack over her shoulder. The smaller one that they’d gotten her for school. She kept the larger canvas one packed in the corner of her room just in case. For situations like this.</p><p>Matteo led her out of the house and locked it up. His mama was there by that point, her car parked up on the road, Matty already in the child seat, peering at them through the window.</p><p>Matteo waved at him.</p><p>“Hi Alex sweetheart,” his mama said, taking Alex’s hand, “it’s all going to be ok, come with me, dear. We’ll let you out and then follow you ok?” </p><p>“Thanks mama,” he said.</p><p>She kissed his cheek and led Alex to her car, waving to Jake and Jamilah as she went.</p><p>Matteo got into their car and turned to Jake and David. “Ok Jakey? How’s the arm?” he asked. </p><p>He looked ok, a little nervous about the hospital, but his uninjured hand was in David’s squeezing tight.</p><p>“Sore. It’s really achy papa,” he said.</p><p>“Ok well daddy’s going to hold your hand and we’re going to set off to the hospital ok? Are you comfy?” Matteo asked as they set off.</p><p>Jake nodded and turned to David, smiling. David just stroked his hair. He was quiet, worried. It was clear all he wanted to do was clutch Jake tightly but he couldn’t do that right now. David’s best weapon was his strong, safe hugs but right now they were useless. So he was staying quiet. He got stressed easily in situations like this, panicky. Somehow Matteo was always the calm one.</p><p>“It’s ok,” Matteo told him.</p><p>David nodded, he always trusted him.</p><p>“How long does it take?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Just under twenty minutes,” he told her.</p><p>“Is Alex ok?” Jamilah asked, clearly worried about her big sister.</p><p>Matteo wondered if she would understand why Alex was so distressed. In some ways, Jamilah and Alex were incredibly similar. They’d had a similar start to life, both of them losing birth parents who loved them. Jamilah’s situation could have turned out just like Alex’s if they hadn’t gotten to her when they did.</p><p>“She thinks she’s going to be sent away,” Matteo told her.</p><p>“No! Papa no!”</p><p>“She’s not Jammy, we would never, but she’s scared,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Why? Please don’t send her away,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“We won’t, maybe you could talk to her, tell her you want her to stay,” David suggested.</p><p>Surely she couldn’t say no to Jamilah if she asked Alex to stay. If they couldn’t convince her she was here to stay maybe the kids could.</p><p>“I will!” she said with determination, “she’s not going anywhere. Jakey are you ok?” she asked, always concerned for her little brother.</p><p>“Yes but I’m cold,” Jake said.</p><p>“Shit,” Matteo muttered, glancing at David in the mirror, how could he remember a jumper for himself and not one for Jake?</p><p>David was about to shrug off his own when Jamilah stopped them.</p><p>“Nope it’s ok I brought him a jumper.” She lifted her rucksack and pulled out his little purple sweater, his favourite, just to cheer him up.</p><p>“Oh Jamilah,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“But he can’t put it on right now,” David said.</p><p>“That’s why I brought the blanket,” she said, pulling out his sunflower blanket and passing it to David. No wonder her little bag had looked like it was about to burst. David wrapped it around Jakey and bopped his nose when he got snuggled in.</p><p>“Jamilah, you’re the best,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Thank you, papa. Jake, are you hungry? I brought bananas for us,” she said.</p><p>“We just have to speak to the doctors first in case he needs medicine,” David told her.</p><p>“Ok,” Jamilah said, putting her bag down by her feet.</p><p>“Can I go in a wheelchair daddy?” Jake asked.</p><p>“Yes!” Jamilah said, bouncing in her seat. “I want a wheelchair too!”</p><p>“Are your legs hurt?” David asked.</p><p>“Yes,” Jake said slowly.</p><p>Jamilah giggled.</p><p>“Or are you two wanting to race up and down the corridors of the hospital scaring all the patients?”</p><p>“Race,” Jake admitted, smiling when David carefully prodded his cheeks. </p><p>Matteo could just imagine the havoc the two of them could cause let loose in a couple of wheelchairs, nurses chasing after them as they hurtled around.</p><p>“I thought so,” he said, grinning.</p><p>“Jakey how’s your pain?”</p><p>“It’s very sore daddy,” Jake said, voice wobbling. He’d had bumps and scrapes before, of course he had but nothing as bad as this and never for this long. He knew they would fix it, make it better but it was still scary for him to be in pain. </p><p>Matteo just wanted it all to be over for Jake’s sake. Once he had his arm strapped up and they’d given him some medicine he would be ok.</p><p>“Ok sweetie, they’ll give you medicine at the hospital,” David said, pressing a kiss to his forehead.</p><p>“Ok we’re here,” Matteo said, pulling into the car park and trying to get them as close to the building as possible. He turned to Jamilah, “did you know the new car we’re getting parks itself?” he told her.</p><p>He’d been with David the other day to finally look at cars, the technology they had these days was astounding. Matteo wasn’t interested at all, he could drive didn’t need fancy features to do it for him. So he’d let David do the talking with the sales guy while he chased Matty around the showroom. But when he was done with his spiel and it was time to choose he’d grilled the man for twenty minutes on the different safety features and the efficiency. That was what was important really. He didn’t need a car that could park, he already knew how to do that. He did understand the necessity, that it was probably very helpful for a lot of people but he was old and set in his ways. Unlike David though he would at least try it out. David wouldn’t trust it at all, didn’t get on with any of Matteo’s gadgets.</p><p>“Oh wow does it drive itself?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“It has a computer assistant, can drive on the motorway,” he said. He had to admit that would be good for long journeys. He hated the motorway, everyone was rude and drove too fast. Where the hell were they all rushing to be? Matteo grinned to himself, he sounded just like his dad on family holidays.</p><p>“Can you talk to it?” she asked.</p><p>“You can even give it a name, so if you called it Super Jake you would say ‘Super Jake provide directions to the hospital’, by the time you or Jake can drive, it will do it all itself probably,” David told her.</p><p>“Oh yay can I choose the name?”</p><p>“You can all choose together,” Matteo said, pulling into a space.</p><p>“Well I want it to be called Jamilah,” she said.</p><p>“You would,” David said.</p><p>“Is it yellow?” Jake asked.</p><p>“No they didn’t have any nice yellow ones, but it’s a really nice purple and it’s even a bit sparkly,” David told him.</p><p>That was a bit of a lie, there had been a few yellow cars but they’d been hideous. Matteo wasn’t that fussy about things like that but he didn’t want a yellow car. </p><p>David had wound him up about it, said it was what Jake had asked for. Matteo had put his foot down. He was the main driver and he was not driving a yellow car.</p><p>He got out of the car and helped Jamilah, then met David at Jake’s door. They opened it and assessed the best way to get him inside. </p><p>“Ok, Daddy’s going to carry you in yeah?”</p><p>“Should we leave him in the seat? I can carry it,” David suggested. </p><p>It wasn’t a carrier like Matty’s, it wouldn’t be all that comfortable.</p><p>“I want a cuddle daddy,” Jake said.</p><p>“It’s ok just don’t jostle him, I know you’ll be gentle,” Matteo said. David nodded determinedly.</p><p>Before he reached for Jake, Matteo took his hand and pulled him into a hug. “Ok? Shaky?”</p><p>“My baby is hurt,” David mumbled, leaning into him.</p><p>“He’s ok though,” Matteo promised, reaching out and running his hand through his hair.</p><p>“I know, you were really good earlier, you kept so calm, it’s amazing. You’re the biggest worrier I know and yet in an emergency, you’re so calm. You’re amazing and I love you,” David said, pressing a kiss to his cheek.</p><p>Then he pulled back, turned to the car, carefully unbuckled Jake and lifted him out of the seat, throwing the blanket over his shoulder. Jake sniffled a little as he was pulled up, but settled into David’s arms.</p><p>“Ok?” </p><p>Jake nodded. </p><p>“I’ll text mama let her know we’ve gone straight in,” Matteo said. She’d been following him but he’d lost her after a couple of roundabouts, not wanting to pause knowing she’d find them once she got there. He locked the car, pulled out his phone and took Jamilah’s hand.</p><p>“Daddy I feel sick,” Jake said as they got near the building.</p><p>“Ok Jakey, let's get you in and sat down ok? I’ll ask a nurse if you can have a little bit of water or-”</p><p>“Daddy no, I feel sick now!”</p><p>David put Jake down on his feet and crouched down in front of him. “Are you going to throw up?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” he mumbled, he was very pale and trembly.</p><p>“Do you want to walk?” David asked.</p><p>“Yes I think so but my legs are wobbly,” he said.</p><p>David just stayed crouched down and helped him walk into the building.</p><p>When they got inside Matteo sent them to sit down and he went to the receptionist. She looked up at him and smiled warmly.</p><p>“Hello,” she said, “one of the little ones?”</p><p>“Yes hi, my son Jakey fell out of a tree.” Matteo pointed him out. “I think he’s broken his arm and he’s feeling sick but it might be from the car ride, I don’t know,” he said, running his hand through his hair, getting stressed. Feeling sick was a sign of a concussion and that was much scarier than a broken arm.</p><p>“Ok no worries, don’t stress love. Here’s some paperwork for you, go sit. A nurse will be over quickly just in case of a head bump,” she said, handing him a tablet. “Just fill in everything you can, isn’t it funny we still call it paperwork?”</p><p>Matteo nodded. He went back over to his family, sat down and began to fill out the form. “How old are you Jake?”</p><p>“Six papa!”</p><p>“Are you really?” David asked him.</p><p>“Yes daddy!”</p><p>“Are there lots of questions?”</p><p>“Quite a few yes, the more they know about Jakey the quicker they'll be able to treat him. Ah, it’s found you,” Matteo said, as his son’s details came up on the screen. He updated a couple of details and then confirmed him. He wasn’t sure about the next screen that came up but it didn’t matter, a nurse approached them and knelt in front of Jake.</p><p>“Did someone fall out of a tree?”</p><p>“Yes me,” Jake said.</p><p>“I’m Hilda, I’m a nurse,” she said warmly.</p><p>“Hello Nurse Hilda, I’m Jakey,” he said.</p><p>“And I’m Jamilah,” she said.</p><p>“Hello lovely, are you Jake’s big sister?”</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>Hilda stood up and turned to Matteo.</p><p>“I filled out everything, but this new screen came up,” Matteo said, handing her the tablet.</p><p>“I’ll fill the rest in, don't worry, so young Jake is already on the system,” she said, clicking through the screens.</p><p>“Yes from before he came to live with us,” Matteo said quietly.</p><p>He’d been checked over when they’d found him, before he’d been released into his care. Before that he’d never once been seen by a doctor. He didn’t want her asking Jake about it, didn’t think she would but if she did it would be incredibly upsetting. He didn’t even know if Jake remembered it.</p><p>She read through the notes and nodded in understanding, knowing that it wouldn’t be good to bring it up around Jake. “Let’s not worry about that anymore, Jakey is clearly a very happy little boy. One who likes climbing trees?”</p><p>Jake nodded.</p><p>“So Jakey how’s your pain?”</p><p>“Very sore,” he mumbled.</p><p>“Ok, we’ll take him straight through to cubicles, just in case he has bumped his head. It’ll be about half an hour for an x-ray, but I’ll check him over,” she said. “Bring him through please.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Matteo said, helping David pick Jake up again and carry him through to the cubicles.</p><p>“Panicking?” Hilda asked.</p><p>“Trying not to,” Matteo mumbled.</p><p>She just smiled at him.</p><p>“These things happen, sweetheart, kids and trees, kids and climbing,” she said, “but they’re so bouncy, it’s still good for them to explore,” she assured him.</p><p>“I was the same,” David said. </p><p>“Actually even I was a bit,” Matteo admitted.</p><p>He’d certainly been adventurous, him and Jonas both. Got into all manner of scrapes between the two of them.</p><p>Hilda showed them into the cubicle and bustled off, coming back with a trolley. David settled Jake onto the bed.</p><p>“Jamilah, would you like a lollipop?” she asked, “is she allowed?”</p><p>Matteo nodded.</p><p>“Yes please,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Here you go and one for Jake for later,” she said.</p><p>Jamilah pocketed both lollies. “We’ll have them together,” she said. </p><p>“Good girl,” David said, smiling so fondly at her.</p><p>Matteo just took a deep breath and braced himself. He knew Jake’s exam would be painful and it was making him nervous. But he also knew Hilda would be gentle with him</p><p>“Ok Jake, I’m going to take a look at your head and then your arm ok? Your daddies will stay here the entire time,” she assured him when Jake looked worried.</p><p>“Sophie’s out in reception with Matty and Alex,” David told them, coming a bit closer so Jake knew he was there.</p><p>“The rest of your family?” Hilda asked.</p><p>“Yes,” David said.</p><p>“Once I’ve examined him we can make room, don’t worry,” Hilda said.</p><p>“Thank you,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok Jakey, how are you feeling, love?”</p><p>“My arm is sore. It really hurts now. I feel a bit sick,” he said.</p><p>“Ok let me check your head first, did you bump it?”</p><p>“No,” he said.</p><p>She turned to Jamilah. “Were you there when he fell?”</p><p>“Yes,” she said, nodding eagerly.</p><p>“Did you see?”</p><p>“Yes!”</p><p>“Can you show me how he landed?”</p><p>She nodded and immediately threw herself to the floor, arms first.</p><p>“Jammy!” David exclaimed, picking her up again.</p><p>Hilda laughed. “Be careful sweetheart, we don’t want you breaking your arm,” she said.</p><p>“Don’t give her ideas,” Matteo warned.</p><p>Jamilah was instantly by Hilda’s side.</p><p>“Will I really? Because Nurse Hilda, see Jake and I are actually twins so I think I’ll need a bandage too,” she insisted.</p><p>“Jake will probably need a solid cast but if you’re really really good, we might be able to do you a bandage,” Hilda offered.</p><p>“Ok, thank you,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“No throwing yourself on the floor,” David warned.</p><p>“But Nurse Hilda asked me to,” Jamilah said.</p><p>Hilda chuckled. “Ok Jake, headache?”</p><p>“No,” he said.</p><p>“Do you feel dizzy?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Jake said.</p><p>“He walked in from the car, his legs were wobbly but he seemed ok,” David told her.</p><p>“Thank you,” Hilda said, “you feel sick?”</p><p>“Yes,” Jake said.</p><p>“Does he often feel sick after the car?” she asked.</p><p>“Not always but yeah sometimes, also we er… he was very shaky so we gave him some orange juice before we brought him in,” Matteo told her.</p><p>“That’s fine, it stopped him going into shock. As soon as we know what he needs he can eat something solid,” Hilda said.</p><p>“I brought bananas!” Jamilah told them.</p><p>“Good girl, ok Jake do you remember what happened?”</p><p>“Jamilah was climbing and she helped me up but then I got scared, everything got wobbly,” Jake said.</p><p>Hilda nodded and shone a light in his eye, causing him to blink a lot.</p><p>“Ok Jakey I don’t think heights are for you but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your head, responses are fine, memory is fine,” she turned to Matteo, “just keep an eye and he can sleep tonight just fine. Can I take a look at your arm?” she asked Jake.</p><p>“Yes ok,” Jake said.</p><p>“This is very clever, who did this?” she said, inspecting the sling.</p><p>“Me, I’m first aid trained for work but David knows the basics too, I taught him,” Matteo said.</p><p>As soon as they’d gotten Jamilah he’d sat him down and drilled it all into him, everything he needed to know. Ready for the mischief she was going to get into. David had paid attention, had listened avidly to every word he’d told him and committed it to memory.</p><p>“It’s very important, all parents should know the emergency stuff. Ok?” she lifted the shirt, but Jake cried out.</p><p>“No! Ow! No!”</p><p>“Ok ok, can I cut the shirt? It probably hurts more now than when he fell. The way you’ve strapped it up, that’s the most comfortable position and he doesn't want to move it now,” she explained, grabbing some scissors from the trolley.</p><p>“Papa your shirt!” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Doesn’t matter,” Matteo assured her.</p><p>“Ok Jake I’m going to cut the shirt away then move your arm, it’s going to hurt but afterwards I’m going to give you some medicine to make that stop, it tastes like strawberries,” Hilda said.</p><p>“Ok yay!”</p><p>They watched her cut Matteo's shirt from around Jake's neck and gently extend his arm, immediately his eyes filled with tears and he started to shake. Going red as he tried not to cry.</p><p>“You’re being very brave sweetheart, it’s ok to cry,” Hilda assured him.</p><p>Jake sniffled and nodded. “It really hurts,” he said, tears running down his face as he started to cry properly. Matteo grabbed David’s hand and squeezed it tight, knowing it wouldn’t help to rush over there and grab him. </p><p>Jamilah rushed forward though and squeezed into the space next to Jake, holding his other hand and whispering to him.</p><p>“I know darling.” Hilda ran her fingers down his arm gently prodding it so carefully, Jake winced and cried out every time. Finally, she pinched his fingers.</p><p>“Papa did that,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Can you feel it?” she asked.</p><p>“No,” Jake said.</p><p>“Ok that’s fine don’t worry.” She turned to Matteo, “were they cold?”</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>“They’re warming up now, he’ll get the feeling back soon,” she assured them and bustled over to the trolley, grabbing a dark blue wrist wrap.</p><p>Jake frowned and looked up at them through his tears, not happy about the colour.</p><p>“Don’t worry this one is temporary, it’ll hold the bone in place until you get the x-ray, ok?”</p><p>She strapped his arm in, then tied it into a sling. </p><p>“Ow! Oh no wait it doesn’t hurt too badly,” Jake said.</p><p>“It’s holding your arm exactly in place,” she told him. </p><p>She turned to him and David, “I’d say a break, probably not too bad but if it needs manipulating we’d probably put him under because of his age,” she said.</p><p>Matteo nodded. “No food?”</p><p>“Not yet, the juice you gave him earlier was fine but nil by mouth until we know more,” she said. “But I do have medicine.” She grabbed a bottle from the cabinet and brought it over, grabbing a syringe out of her pocket and opening it up.</p><p>“No!” Jake shouted.</p><p>“No injections,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“It’s not darling, it’s just to measure, see no needles?” </p><p>Jamilah watched her draw up the pink liquid.</p><p>“Why?” she asked. She always wanted to know how everything worked. For now, him and David managed but they knew that soon they weren’t going to be able to answer her questions. Would have to find her someone smarter than them. Maybe Amira? Possibly even smarter than her.</p><p>“It’s much more accurate than the little spoons because Jakey might need more medicine, we need to know exactly what we give him and put it on his forms,” Hilda explained.</p><p>“So cool!”</p><p>“Open up Jakey,” Hilda said, giving him his medicine.</p><p>“Daddy, will Jakey have to sleep here?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“No, please no,” Jake whispered.</p><p>Of course, that prospect was terrifying to him but they would do everything they could to make sure that if he did have to stay he felt safe the whole time. If he had nightmares he would wake up in their arms and feel safe again.</p><p>“If he has to have anaesthetic he’ll stay the night, you’ll get a room and one or both of you can stay but the kids can’t,” Hilda told them.</p><p>“That’s ok my mama can take them,” Matteo said, they would both stay with Jake all night, he wouldn’t be alone for a second.</p><p>“Can I go get her?” David asked Hilda.</p><p>“Yes, you can all wait in here with Jakey until the x-ray if you like, it’s only going to be about ten minutes now. It will be a squash though, so here.” She lifted Jamilah up onto the bed beside Jake.</p><p>“Thank you so much,” Matteo said, finally starting to calm down, they were going to help Jake, he was going to be ok.</p><p>“I bet you’re both terrified right?” she asked.</p><p>“Yes,” Matteo said, looking around for David, wishing he would hurry back.</p><p>“It’s ok, he’s fine,” Hilda assured him.</p><p>Matteo nodded gratefully, she was so calming, he trusted her and knew she was right.</p><p>“Right, I’ll be back when X-ray is ready for you, see you soon lovely,” she said.</p><p>“Bye Nurse Hilda,” Jamilah said sweetly.</p><p>Hilda smiled and waved as she left.</p><p>“Jake if you have to stay the night, me and daddy will stay with you ok?”</p><p>“Ok,” Jake said, clearly relieved.</p><p>Him spending the night here alone would be terrifying for him. It would be scary no matter what but if they were there they could cuddle and distract him and help him through the night.</p><p>“And if you can’t sleep we’ll stay up with you all night,” Matteo promised.</p><p>“Ok thank you,” Jake said, yawning. All the excitement was wearing away now, giving way to exhaustion.</p><p>“You ok?”</p><p>“Sleepy and hungry,” Jake said.</p><p>“I think that’s the medicine making you sleepy, we can eat soon I promise,” Matteo said, “but if you have to have an anaesthetic, to make you sleep while they fix your arm, you can’t eat until after ok?”</p><p>Jake nodded sadly and Matteo felt dreadful. “Papa can I have a cuddle?” he asked.</p><p>“Hmm.” Carefully Matteo reached for Jake, lifting him at his waist, avoiding the arm. He sat down in the chair, resting Jake’s uninjured side against his chest. Jamilah passed them the blanket and he threw it over Jake, wrapping him up.</p><p>“Ok?”</p><p>“Very sleepy,” Jake said, settling against his chest and closing his eyes.</p><p>“You’ll have to wake up for the x-ray,” Matteo warned.</p><p>“Is it scary?” Jake asked, eyes still closed, drifting off slightly.</p><p>“Don’t think so but I’ve never had one,” Matteo said. “We’ll be with you the whole time though.”</p><p>He didn’t think it would be scary but hospitals, in general, set him on edge so he couldn’t lie. But they wouldn’t let it be scary for Jake.</p><p>“No, it’s not scary Jake I promise,” David said, walking back in and squeezing his shoulder, bopping Jake on the nose and making him smile sleepily. “I’ve had loads, here Sophie,” he said, showing her to the other chair, only just refraining from helping her to sit. He was such a gentleman with his mama. Had been since the very first time they’d all met. They’d all gone to dinner and David had pulled out her chair for her. She’d called him a gentleman and he’d loved it so much that he’d done everything he could to get her to say it again. Over time the excitement over the word faded somewhat but the habit stuck and his mama would always see David as the perfect gentleman. Even though he absolutely wasn’t, nothing but rude to him.</p><p>His mama sat down next to him, Matty in her lap, just as sleepy as his big brother.</p><p>David sat on the bed next to Jamilah, and Alex stood nervously in the corner, looking ready to flee. Looking like she felt like an outsider. Before Matteo could even say anything Jamilah started flapping her arms.</p><p>“Alex I want a cuddle too,” she said.</p><p>“Your dad can give you a cuddle,” Alex said.</p><p>“Alex no! I want you!”</p><p>Usually, they’d warn her at this point, not to push Alex but right now Alex needed a hug more than anyone and Jamilah and Jake pretty much got all the hugs they wanted from Alex. </p><p>Alex sighed but went over to the bed and lifted Jamilah, sitting back down with her in her lap. Jamilah winked at him as Alex cuddled her close, taking comfort in it.</p><p>“So what’s the verdict?” his mama asked.</p><p>“Jakey needs an x-ray, I think more to see how it’s broken and what we need to do,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“I must say I’m surprised I never had to do this with you, Matteo,” she said.</p><p>“What? Why?” he demanded, even though he knew exactly what she meant.</p><p>“You were always getting into mischief, you and Jonas both, although…”</p><p>“Oh god,” Matteo muttered, David scooted forward on the bed, eager to hear more. Loved getting more dirt on Matteo and his childhood, teasing material.</p><p>“We did have to call the fire brigade once,” his mama said.</p><p>“What? Why did I not know this? Were you stuck in a tree, like a cat?”</p><p>“No a baby swing aged eight,” she said.</p><p>If he didn’t love his mother dearly...</p><p>“Oh my god Matteo,” David said, so excited by this new information.</p><p>“I didn’t... Jonas dared me,” Matteo mumbled. He’d never been one to turn down a dare back then. Loved showing off to Jonas and had clambered into the tiny swing seat. It had only taken a few seconds to get stuck. He got in easily but his body didn’t twist right to get back out. He’d been daring sure but the moment he realised he was stuck the panic started and he started screaming.</p><p>“He got stuck and screamed bloody murder, Jonas didn’t even need to come get me. I think I heard him from the kitchen,” his mama said.</p><p>“He was in the garden?” David asked.</p><p>“No the children’s playpark on the corner,” she clarified.</p><p>“Oh wow that’s brilliant,” David said.</p><p>“It hurt actually,” Matteo said, wanting to kick him but he couldn’t because of Jake in his lap.</p><p>“Yeah well maybe don’t climb into baby swings when you’re too big,” David said, grinning at him.</p><p>“Yeah papa,” Jamilah said.</p><p>“Yeah papa,” Matteo repeated, rolling his eyes. “Ok Alex?”</p><p>“Scared,” she whispered, “Jake I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“It’s ok. It was an accident. It was Jammy’s fault,” Jake said.</p><p>“Yeah that sounds about right,” David agreed.</p><p>“Hey! Rude!” Jamilah said but she knew it was the truth.</p><p>“Fancy getting little Jakey up in the tree,” his mama said, stroking Jake’s face.</p><p>“Well he climbed it really well,” Jamilah said.</p><p>It must have been true. She would have asked him to climb up but would never have pushed him to. Jake had climbed up because he could. Followed his sister up the tree because he wanted to.</p><p>“Did he really?” David asked eagerly, Matteo gave him a pointed look.</p><p>“Yeah it was easy,” Jake said, opening his eyes again, too much was going on for him to sleep and this place was unfamiliar to him.</p><p>“Typical my son is good at climbing trees but scared of heights,” David mused.</p><p>“Alex I had strawberry medicine,” Jake said.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“It was nice, but it made me sleepy,” Jake said.</p><p>“That’s good,” Alex said, staring determinedly down at her hands.</p><p>“Alex?”</p><p>“Yes Jake?”</p><p>“Will you draw me a unicorn on my cast?” Jake asked.</p><p>“I’m sure your dad can,” Alex said.</p><p>“I want you to, please,” Jake said sweetly.</p><p>After Jake had made her the picture that first day. Alex had drawn a unicorn for him in return. She’d noticed how much he liked them and sketched him a beautiful one. It captured the magic of the creature perfectly but was still a little fun and childish, just like Jake probably imagined them to be. That was talent, if she could draw something straight from Jake’s imagination. She hadn’t shown them anything yet, it was obviously something very personal to her. Hopefully, she would one day. But she had shown Jake, had even torn out a page with a little sketch of a frog for him when he’d told her it was his favourite. Matteo wondered if frogs were going to be his next thing.</p><p>The surprising thing was, even Jamilah hadn't been jealous. She just accepted that this was something Alex only wanted to share with him right now and didn’t push. But then as bossy as she was she did understand people very well. Just like with Jake when he’d first come to them, she very quickly picked up on how to behave around him to make him feel comfortable. She did the same for Alex, reminding her she was allowed to ask for things. So if she understood that of course, she understood that Alex did have some things she wasn’t able to share yet but that Jake was so sweet it was impossible not to.</p><p>“Ok Jake,” Alex said, quietly, still refusing to look at him.</p><p>Jake looked up at him, Matteo just shrugged and smiled back at him.</p><p>“Alex?” </p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I love you, please don’t leave,” Jake said.</p><p>“Ok Jake,” Alex said, finally looking up and smiling weakly at him eyes shining.</p><p>David bumped her shoulder.</p><p>“Alex?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“Yes Jammy?” </p><p>“Nurse Hilda said she would do me a bandage, can you draw a unicorn on that so we match?” Jamilah asked sweetly.</p><p>“Um… I can try,” Alex said, pulling Jamilah close and hiding her face. Jamilah didn’t even comment.</p><p>“Papa I want to go home,” Jake said.</p><p>“I know sweetie, but we need the x-ray first,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I think you’re being very brave Jakey,” his mama said.</p><p>“Thank you nana,” Jake said.</p><p>Matty woke up properly then and started squealing, confused and not knowing where he was. He started reaching for Jake, who immediately stretched and reached for his brother.</p><p>“I want to cuddle Matty,” he complained when Matteo held him back.</p><p>“You can’t right now, you’ll hurt your arm,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Am I not allowed when I have my cast?” Jake asked worriedly.</p><p>“You are but your arm will be heavier so you have to be careful,” Matteo warned. Jake was a little clumsy, as six-year-olds tended to be. He was always gentle though, especially with Matty and would never mean to hurt him. But the cast would be hard and if he bumped Matty both of them would get hurt.</p><p>“I will,” Jake promised. </p><p>Matteo shifted so that Matty could reach Jake and start prodding his face, grabbing at him.</p><p>“Matty!” Jake giggled. </p><p>“Jake!”</p><p>“I hurt my arm Matty. Ow!”</p><p>“Ow?”</p><p>“Yeah! Ow!”</p><p>“Ow! Ow! Ow!”</p><p>“Ok Jakey ready for the x-ray?” Nurse Hilda asked, walking back into the room with a wheelchair.</p><p>Jake’s eyes lit up and Jamilah wriggled free from Alex to inspect it, Alex pulled her back before she climbed in it. Jamilah turned to her and scowled but when she saw Alex’s face she smiled and cuddled closer again.</p><p>“You have to go up two floors to the X-ray department, this should help,” Hilda told them, “Jake and daddies only, if grandma wants to take everyone else up to the fracture clinic? Jake will be along in about twenty minutes.”</p><p>“Nana let’s go!”</p><p>“Yes Jammy. Matteo, it’s getting late, I’m going to get them all something to eat,” she said, “want anything?”</p><p>“Thanks mama, just a sandwich or something,” Matteo said.</p><p>She kissed him then David on the cheek then led Jamilah and Alex away, Matty on her hip, the carrier in her other hand. She was so good at this, supporting them, just helping knowing this was a stressful time. He hadn't even thought about the kids' dinner, his mind too occupied by the fact Jake wasn’t allowed to eat. His mama did but didn’t point out that he’d forgotten, just helped in whatever way she could. </p><p>Right now he was so glad she was here with Alex. That gentle presence she had had calmed him down on many an occasion now. He hoped it helped keep Alex calm while they sorted Jake out, helped her until they could pay attention to her.</p><p>“Push me really fast daddy!”</p><p>“I’ll get in trouble,” David said as they headed to the lifts.</p><p>He would and not just with the nurses.</p><p>“He will,” Hilda agreed, “they’re waiting for you upstairs, follow the signs for X-ray, go through to the reception. Bye Jakey,” she said, waving.</p><p>Jake waved back with his good arm as the lift doors closed.</p><p>“X-ray time Jakey,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m not scared because you’re here,” Jake said.</p><p>“Good boy,” David said, tilting back Jake’s chair and grinning down at him.</p><p>“Ok?” Matteo asked him, worried for both of them. He didn't like to see David scared. </p><p>“Yeah,” David said.</p><p>“You’re so quiet,” Matteo said, covering David’s hand with his own.</p><p>“Trying not to freak out,” David admitted. "I’m so glad you’re here," he said turning his hand and gripping Matteo's hand. </p><p>Matteo nodded and just kissed his temple, causing him to sigh. He knew exactly how he felt, as calm as he was if David had still been in America this would’ve been a disaster. Except not really, he would have his mama, he would’ve called Laura and Beth, or Jonas. The entire time David had been away they had been there, ready to come help at a moments notice. Having David here was the best option but he was never alone now, no matter what.</p><p>“We’ll be home soon,” Matteo promised, "and it's not stupid to be scared, I'm scared too, but Jakey will be fine, won't you Jake?"</p><p>"Yeah! Don't be scared daddy, I'm not scared because you're here," he promised them. </p><p>David just leant down and kissed his cheek. "You've been very brave today," he said. </p><p>They stepped out of the lift and headed down the corridor, following the signs like Hilda had told them. The waiting room of the X-ray department was half empty, much quieter than accident and emergency downstairs. </p><p>David pushed Jake up to the reception desk. </p><p>“Hi we have Jacob Schreibner-Florenzi, for an X-ray,” he said.</p><p>“Possible broken arm?” the lady asked.</p><p>“That’s the one,” David said.</p><p>“Five minutes, they’re almost ready for you,” she said.</p><p>“Thank you,” David said.</p><p>David spun the chair to face him and crouched down in front of him. “How’s my brave little boy?”</p><p>“My arm does hurt a lot,” Jake said.</p><p>“I know,” David said.</p><p>Matteo crouched down in front of him too. “You're being so brave sweetheart,” he said.</p><p>Jake just grinned at him.</p><p>“Hello have we got a Jacob?” A young man in burgundy scrubs asked.</p><p>“We have a Jake,” Matteo said.</p><p>“That’s me!” Jake said.</p><p>“Hello Jake, I’m Paul, I’m the radiology nurse. Are you ready for your x-ray?” he asked crouching down too.</p><p>“Yes please,” Jake said.</p><p>“We’re going to take a look at this arm?” Paul asked, grabbing Jake’s good arm.</p><p>“No! The other one!” Jake laughed.</p><p>“Oh my goodness, my mistake! That was close, wasn't it? Shall we take a look? Come meet Klara, she's a radiographer, she’s very strict but I reckon she’ll be nice to you,” Paul said, taking the handles of the chair and pushing Jake into the room he'd come from.</p><p>“Everyone’s nice to Jake,” Matteo agreed as he and David followed them into the room.</p><p>“Hi Klara,” Paul said.</p><p>“Hi Paul, who do we have?”</p><p>“This is the lovely Jake, we’re taking a look at his arm,” Paul said.</p><p>Klara approached Jake and smiled. “Did Paul get the wrong arm?”</p><p>“He did!”</p><p>“Typical, ok can we get Jake up on the bed? Sitting up please, if you can lift him on for me?”</p><p>“Jake? I’m going to lift you onto the bed ok?”</p><p>“Ok Daddy,” Jake said, usually he would lift his arms to be picked up but he couldn’t right now.</p><p>David just scooped him up carefully and together they helped him get settled onto the bed. Paul came over and carefully took Jake's arm out of the sling and put it on the little table he’d wheeled over.</p><p>Then Klara reached up and moved the x-ray machine over Jake’s arm, angling and positioning it carefully.</p><p>“Ok? Are you comfortable Jake? Are you able to sit still for a few minutes?”</p><p>Jake nodded warily glancing at him and David.</p><p>She turned to him and David. “Have either of you had any x-rays already this year?”</p><p>“No,” Matteo told her.</p><p>“Ok you can stay here with him, you’ll need to put these on,” she said as Paul brought over the heavy lead aprons. "Jake, your daddies can stay right with you ok?" </p><p>Jake nodded again more relaxed this time. </p><p>David and Matteo put on the aprons and grinned at each other.</p><p>“You look silly,” Jake said. </p><p>“We know,” David said. </p><p>“Ok Jake you have to sit really still, and keep your arm here,” Paul said.</p><p>Jake nodded seriously.</p><p>“We’re right here ok? It won’t hurt,” David promised.</p><p>Paul and Klara went behind their screen. Jake frowned but didn’t move. He was just wondering where they'd gone. </p><p>“X-rays aren’t dangerous but if you have loads of x-rays it can be very bad for you,” Matteo explained. “Paul and Klara work here every day so they can’t be near the x-rays,” he said.</p><p>“Ok,” Jake said. “How does it work?” he asked.</p><p>“I can tell you in a minute Jake,” Klara said, pressing some buttons on her console.</p><p>“Thank you,” Jake said. He was sitting so still even though it was clear he wanted to move about. He was nervous and that made him twitchy. He was doing so well.</p><p>“Ok that’s perfect,” Klara said, coming back over after a few minutes. "You can move again sweetie," she said. </p><p>Jake nodded and looked at David who picked him up and cuddled him carefully. </p><p>“Is it broken?” Matteo asked. </p><p>“Yes, it is, clean break nothing nasty. If you go down to fracture the doctor will have his x-ray and they’ll know exactly how to set the bone, I can’t promise but I can’t see the need for surgery. It shouldn't need manipulating, just a cast to support it while it heals.” she said.</p><p>“That’s good, thank you,” David said.</p><p>Klara stood in front of Jake, David crouched a little as he was taller. “Ok Jake you need to go get your cast but before you go,” she pointed to the table where he’d kept his arm. “First, in this very special table, there is a digital detector, a very special type of screen. You put your arm on here and we shine the x-rays from up here.” She pointed to the x-ray gun. “It’s like an invisible light. It shines through your arm but it can’t shine through the bone, it stops and is absorbed, so the bone comes out like a shadow. Except it’s brighter, on the special detector,” she explained. “So it’s a very strong light that you can’t see, and it makes a shadow picture of just your bones because they are much harder than your skin, and on the shadow picture we can see the breaks.”</p><p>“That’s so cool,” Jake said.</p><p>“I think so too little man,” Paul said, ruffling his hair gently.</p><p>“Thank you for looking at my bones,” Jake said, as David popped him back in the chair. Paul helped him get his arm back in the sling.</p><p>“You’re very welcome,” Klara said.</p><p>“Gosh he’s so polite,” Paul said, leading them out of the room.</p><p>He really was so polite, Matteo just knew that was going to turn into charm as he got older. He was going to be so charming and kind, would end up surrounded by the best people.</p><p>Paul didn’t take them back to the lifts they’d come up in. “Ok if you go to the end of this corridor, turn right and then take the lift at the end down one floor, turn right again and you’re in the fracture clinic,” he said.</p><p>“Thank you, Paul,” David said, leading him and Jake away.</p><p>“Bye Jake,” Paul said.</p><p>“Bye Nurse Paul,” Jake said.</p><p>“We’re going all over the hospital today,” David said as they walked down the corridor.</p><p>“That’s why Hilda gave us the wheelchair, stops him being jostled if we had to carry him about all over the place,” Matteo explained.</p><p>“That makes sense, god I’m tired,” he said, “Jake do you need the toilet? You’re getting pretty wriggly, I can help you,” he said.</p><p>Jake nodded and they stopped by the toilets. David went in with Jake while Matteo pressed his forehead against the cool windows. He took a minute and breathed deeply. This was fine. Jake was ok. Everyone was safe. His biggest worry was probably Alex right now but they could deal with it. It would all be ok. He would make sure of it. He was also worried about David who had been so quiet since they’d gotten there, putting on a brave face for Jake.</p><p>When they came back out David put Jake back in the chair but before they set off again Matteo stopped him.</p><p>“Hey? Feeling shaken?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah a little,” David admitted.</p><p>“Ok, mama should be in the fracture place with food, you need to eat, you’re shaken and you’re crashing,” Matteo said, reaching out and squeezing his shoulder.</p><p>“Yeah,” David mumbled.</p><p>“Ok Jake?”</p><p>“Yes papa,” Jake said.</p><p>Matteo took the chair from David and parked it by the wall, then he pulled David into a hug, squeezing him against him. </p><p>“This is really scary, I hate this so much,” David said quietly.</p><p>“It is,” Matteo agreed, just holding him tight.</p><p>“But Matteo, I’m scared for Alex too,” David said.</p><p>“Yep once we’ve got all of them home and in bed, we gotta deal with that, right away,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It’s gonna hurt,” David said. </p><p>“Yeah, it is,” Matteo agreed, it wasn’t going to be an easy conversation at all. </p><p>Alex was upset, right now she didn’t trust them at all. Probably from bad experiences, possibly because she still felt like an outsider. She felt like they were going to punish her, that she deserved it. She felt like they were going to do the worst thing possible, send her away. Even in those bad homes she’d been in before, getting sent away still hurt her. That rejection, that abandonment had done lasting damage. </p><p>She was ready to run because that way it felt like she was in control. But she didn’t need to run because they didn’t blame her for anything and wanted her to stay. Even if she’d been playing too rough with Jake and he’d gotten hurt, even if she’d got into it with Jamilah and they fought, their first reaction would not have been to dispose of her. Siblings fought, argued, he knew Laura and David had gotten into many altercations as kids. He also knew that Alex was aware she was much bigger than the others and behaved appropriately for the difference in their strength. Alex was not mean or cruel, no matter what she’d been told, and they would never jump to that conclusion. Kids fought and they made up, all it took was talking to them and explaining their mistakes. They loved each other too much to ever stay mad at one another for long. He knew if they got this right those four were going to be close for the rest of their lives.</p><p>“We’ll work it out,” David said with certainty.</p><p>“Daddy?”</p><p>“Yes Jake?”</p><p>“I want to go get my cast,” he said, not demanding like Jamilah but certainly impatient. He was very tired and hungry too. It had been a long day, they should’ve been settling down right about now, winding down for bed. Jake was not used to staying up late, usually by this time he’d be dozing on the sofa with him, waiting for Jamilah to get sleepy.</p><p>“Come on then Jakey,” David said, pushing him into the lift and showing him which button to press.</p><p>When they stepped out of the lift and into the fracture clinic they spotted his mama and the others immediately, they were the biggest group in the waiting room and they had company.</p><p>“Amira!” Jake forgot himself and almost jumped out of the chair, David had to hold him back or he would take a tumble. He was tired and wobbly on his feet, plus they’d been carrying him around so his balance would be a little off, they didn’t want him to have another fall. </p><p>Amira came over to them, Jamilah following closely.</p><p>“Hello Jake, what mischief have you been getting up to hm?”</p><p>“Climbing trees,” Jake told her.</p><p>“Jammy found me, I was getting coffee,” Amira explained at Matteo’s confusion.</p><p>Everyone in the hospital had been so wonderful and kind but it felt so good to see a familiar face. Even though Amira’s field of cardiology was pretty far removed from orthopaedics and silly children, it was a real comfort to have her here. </p><p>“We’ve got McDonald's papa!” Jamilah exclaimed.</p><p>“Is it good?” Matteo asked her.</p><p>“Yes! I had a veggie burger and fries and nana said no coca-cola so I had chocolate milk. Come sit down with us please, Amira are you going to chop Jake’s arm off?” Jamilah asked excitedly.</p><p>Jake gasped and looked up at them. Matteo shook his head and stroked Jake’s cheeks, pushing him over to where his mama was sitting with Alex. Matty was asleep in his carrier next to her. David went to the reception to let them know they were there.</p><p>“No of course not, don’t worry Jakey, I’m not that kind of doctor, I’m just here to see you,” Amira assured him. </p><p>“Yay!”</p><p>Matteo sat down next to Matty and peered into the carrier.</p><p>“I’ve fed him, not McDonald's don’t worry. Only Jamilah had that. Me and Alex had falafels, Matty had a little and some yoghurt, and they’ve all had fruit, and Jamilah had carrots sticks as well as fries, she was hungry. She also had some of my falafel. We got you and David some sandwiches,” she explained.</p><p>She was the best, so good at taking care of all of them.</p><p>“Thanks mama,” he said, smiling when she reached out and stroked his face.</p><p>“Have you met Alex, Amira?”</p><p>“Yes we had a little chat,” Amira said, grinning at him.</p><p>“About what?” Matteo asked carefully, not liking the look on her face.</p><p>“You in high school. Alex was under the impression that both of you were quite cool when you were younger. I corrected her, informed her of who was really cool,” she said.</p><p>“You Amira?” </p><p>“That’s right Jamilah,” Amira said, high fiving her.</p><p>Alex smiled weakly as David came back from reception and sat down next to Amira.</p><p>“Ten minutes,” he said.</p><p>“That’s quick,” his mama said.</p><p>“Yeah not bad,” David agreed.</p><p>“What happens now?” Matteo asked Amira.</p><p>“The doctor will get your x-rays, have a look, have a chat and take a look at the arm, check the muscle and stuff. Then either the doctor or a nurse will put it in the cast, unless he needs surgery,” she told them. </p><p>“Do I get to choose?” Jake asked.</p><p>“You do,” Amira told him. </p><p>“Can papa come in with me?”</p><p>“Of course sweetie,” Amira said.</p><p>“Amira can I come watch some operations?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>“You absolutely cannot,” Amira said.</p><p>“But I’m interested,” Jamilah insisted.</p><p>“I’m sure you are,” Amira said.</p><p>“Amira I had strawberry medicine,” Jake told her.</p><p>“Did you really?”</p><p>“Yes and I’m very hungry. Can I have McDonald's?” Jake asked, his tummy rumbled and Matteo felt bad.</p><p>“You can,” Matteo promised. “On the way home and you can eat in the car, mama can we have our sandwiches?”</p><p>“Oh yes here you go boys,” she said, handing a sandwich to David. He immediately tucked in. She handed one to Matteo and he just held onto it.</p><p>“Eating?” David asked him.</p><p>“Later,” Matteo mumbled, he’d asked for David, not for himself.</p><p>“Eat Matteo,” David said gently.</p><p>“But…” He looked guiltily at his hungry son.</p><p>“You’re no good to Jake if you faint,” David warned.</p><p>Jake just smiled at him.</p><p>“Ok thank you,” he said and began to eat the sandwich. It wasn’t too bad, cheese and tomato but he was so anxious it didn’t really taste of anything.</p><p>“Amira are you working? It’s late,” his mama asked.</p><p>“I’m on a break, due back in about two minutes, I’m always here late, I’ll be finishing up in about an hour,” she said.</p><p>It may seem like she was working late but she had a good balance, worked three long days a week. Was on call for the fourth, for remote advice and care. She’d worked hard to get as senior as she could, as quickly as she could so that when it came to time to start her family she was in a position where she had control over her hours. Despite working such an intense job she spent just as much time with her family as they did.</p><p>“What if there’s an emergency? Amira what if someone’s heart explodes?” Jamilah asked.</p><p>Even Alex laughed quietly at that.</p><p>“No one’s heart is exploding,” Amira said patiently, “but if they need me I get summoned, you hear the announcements?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“They’d call for me,” she explained</p><p>“Cool!”</p><p>A few moments later another nurse approached. “Jacob would you like to come with me and see the doctor?” she asked. </p><p>Matteo and David stood up, Amira did too. “Right that’s my cue, lives to save and all that.” She crouched down in front of Jake. “Good luck Jakey, you’ll be fine sweetheart,” she said.</p><p>“Thank you,” Jake said. </p><p>“Text me later yeah?” she said to Matteo, squeezing his shoulder.</p><p>He nodded and waved her off, she waved her goodbyes to the rest of the family and then the two of them turned to the nurse.</p><p>“Hello Jacob-”</p><p>“Jake!”</p><p>“Hello Jake,” she corrected, “let's go see Dr Arnold, he wants to take a look at your arm and then we’ll finally be done with all this prodding and poking,” she promised.</p><p>“Yay!”</p><p>David followed her, pushing Jake. Matteo grabbed Jamilah's bag with the food and followed his husband into the examination room. They all sat down next to the desk.</p><p>“Hello-”</p><p>“Jake!” He’d obviously cottoned onto the fact all his records had his full name. Only his grandma, David’s mum called any of them by their proper names. She wasn’t one for affectionate nicknames.</p><p>Dr Arnold just smiled at him. “Hello Jake, how’s the arm?”</p><p>“Sore but I’m really hungry now,” he mumbled.</p><p>“Ok well I’ve looked at your x-ray, no surgery, no anaesthetics, you can eat,” Arnold told them.</p><p>Matteo grabbed a banana from Jamilah's backpack. He smiled, she’d put the whole bunch from the fruit bowl in there, plus several apples and oranges.</p><p>“Here you go, as soon as we're done we’ll get you McDonald's. Do you want the rest of my sandwich?” he asked, pulling it out of his pocket. He’d only eaten half then re-wrapped it just in case.</p><p>Jake nodded and took a few bites when he held it out to him. Then he took the banana from him.</p><p>“Thank you,” Matteo said to Doctor Arnold. He was waiting patiently for Jake to eat before continuing his examination.</p><p>“No problem, Jake you must have fallen just before dinner?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he said.</p><p>“Tummy all settled? Can I have a look at your arm?” he asked.</p><p>“Are you going to take this off?”</p><p>“Yes I’m afraid so,” Dr Arnold said gently.</p><p>Jake looked between him and David and shook his head nervously.</p><p>“Jake?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I’ve done this many many times, I promise I’ll be so gentle,” Dr Arnold said. “Your dad can hold your other hand if you like?”</p><p>“Ok,” Jake said, already distressed. It had hurt a lot when Hilda had examined it, that was what he was thinking of now.</p><p>David carefully lifted Jake onto the chair that was ready for him, taking his hand. The nurse helped them gently balance his arm on the little table. Jake started to cry so they all waited for David to calm him down. He just cuddled him and whispered promises that it would be ok, that he wasn’t going to let go of his hand at all. Matteo heard him tell Jake it was all going to be over soon and then they could have proper cuddles again. Matteo wiped his own eyes but managed to stay calm.</p><p>Finally, Jake sobs subsided and Dr Arnold went over to him. He brought up the x-ray on the screen and unwrapped the splint but left Jake’s arm on the table, not moving it. It was a little bruised and red but not swollen.</p><p>“Here is where it’s broken,” he said, pointing at Jake’s wrist and then the screen. “You have the two bones here, this one is fractured and this one is broken but luckily it doesn't need to be reset. It’s a very clean break, no agitation or swelling, you didn’t move it at all? ” he asked Matteo and David.</p><p>David shook his head.</p><p>“I looked at it really carefully then isolated it,” Matteo told him. “Before I got to him, his sister Alex sat him up, and he was holding it to his chest.”</p><p>“Well done a little movement and it could’ve shifted, caused more problems. It’s why his pain isn’t that bad,” Dr Arnold said. “So if we keep it exactly in place and put the cast on this is going to heal very nicely. And because Jake is only six it will be quick.”</p><p>Matteo nodded. Dr Arnold turned to Jake. “I need to wrap your arm now, Louise is going to help me. If you try to relax I will support you arm the whole time, it won’t hurt as much as when they looked at it earlier. We’ll lift it up but no twisting, no pulling, is that ok?”</p><p>Jake looked at David who squeezed his hand, then at Matteo who smiled at him and stroked his hair from his face. When Jake nodded Matteo stepped back so that David could stay and hold his hand without him getting in the way.</p><p>“Ok thank you, Jake, you are a very brave little boy. Louise grab me a sleeve, the smallest one I think,” he said to the nurse. “Thank you, ok we’re going to lift his arm now.”</p><p>Dr Arnold lifted Jake’s arm at the elbow and supported it at the wrist. Jake sucked in a gasping breath and tried to stay still, squeezing David’s hand tight. His eyes were screwed shut but tears leaked from them and ran down his cheeks.</p><p>Carefully with what was clearly a well-practised manoeuvre, they put the sleeve on Jake’s arm, then Louise started wrapping a white bandage around it.</p><p>“Oh,” Jake said, as the bandage provided him pressure and support. He opened his eyes and pouted when he saw the bandage. He looked up at David and frowned, David just winked at him.</p><p>“Don’t worry this is just to protect your arm,” Louise said, leaving his arm in Dr Arnold’s hands. She went over to the cupboard.“Is this what you’re looking for?”</p><p>She opened it and it was filled with rolls of colourful fibreglass.</p><p>“Oh yes! Oh yes!”</p><p>“Which colour Jakey?” David asked him.</p><p>“Er… pink… no purple... yellow please! Yellow!”</p><p>“Good choice Jake,” Louise said, she handed the roll to Dr Arnold then carefully switched places with him.</p><p>“Jake take a deep breath,” Arnold said.</p><p>He did eyes wide and worried again. Dr Arnold inspected Jake’s arm then moved it a little, just slightly to ensure it was straight, causing Jake to cry out. Louise held it exactly in place then and the doctor applied the cast. By the time he was done Jake was already smiling again, grinning at his new yellow arm.</p><p>“Ok Jake, wriggle your fingers for me,” Dr Arnold said. Jake did. “Good boy, right this can’t get wet but keep it clean. You’ll need an x-ray in six weeks and then we can probably take it off,” he said.</p><p>Louise handed them some forms on how to look after the cast.</p><p>“How do you take it off?” Jake asked.</p><p>“We cut it very carefully,” Louise told him.</p><p>Dr Arnold tapped a few keys on his computer then nodded to them.</p><p>“Are we done?” David asked.</p><p>“Yes dear all done, not too painful was it?” Louise said.</p><p>“We just want to get him home,” Matteo said, he was tired of this place.</p><p>“Ok isolated like this it shouldn’t hurt too much, keep him warm. It’ll ache while it’s healing but it shouldn’t be too bad. Children’s paracetamol if it’s bad at night,” Dr Arnold said. “If he can’t bear the pain, if he’s crying with it a lot something is wrong, bring him back in.”</p><p>“Thank you so much,” David said, helping Jake back into the chair.</p><p>“McDonald's daddy?” he asked eagerly. Now his arm was strapped up and protected he was already forgetting about the pain which Matteo was thankful for. The ordeal was over, for Jake at least, now it was time to go home. Via McDonald's. They would take the drive-through, Jake could eat in the car. Now it was over Matteo was too shaky to deal with anyone but his family.</p><p>“Yes let's get you fed,” David said. </p><p>“Yay thank you,” Jake said, bouncing in his chair.</p><p>“Let’s go, thank you so much,” Matteo said as they left the room. Dr Arnold just smiled and waved them off.</p><p>As soon as they were back in reception Jamilah ran up to them.</p><p>“Jammy look!”</p><p>“Wow! Wow, it’s so cool,” Jamilah said, carefully running her fingers over it.</p><p>“It’s very nice Jake and such a lovely bright colour,” his mama said, carrying Matty over. She was holding Alex’s hand too. Clearly, she’d done a good job looking after her this whole time while they were busy with Jake. It was almost time for them to take over. He felt ready, it was going to be tense, there would be tears but if they did this right by the end of the argument Alex would be a lot more sure of her place there.</p><p>“Yellow is my favourite colour,” Jake told his nana.</p><p>“It’s a lovely colour,” she agreed. They gathered their things, David wrapping the blanket around Jake again and then they set off for the car park.</p><p>“Mama, can you bring Alex and Matty home for us?” Matteo said.</p><p>“Of course dear,” she said.</p><p>They just got to the doors when Jamilah turned around.</p><p>“Papa I need the toilet,” she said.</p><p>David just chuckled.</p><p>“I can take her,” Alex offered. </p><p>“Thank you Alex,” Matteo said, watching her lead Jamilah away. They all turned to Jake. “Toilet?” David asked. Jake shook his head. He hadn’t really had anything to drink so it was understandable.</p><p>“Thanks for helping mama,” Matteo said.</p><p>“It’s never a problem darling,” she said, “Jake what are you going to get from McDonald's?”</p><p>“Chips and nuggets!”</p><p>“Lovely,” she said.</p><p>“I might have some too,” David said, rubbing the back of his head and looking at Matteo expectantly.</p><p>Matteo frowned.</p><p>“Are you asking me? Like for permission?” he asked incredulously.</p><p>“No?” David said warily.</p><p>“You can eat McDonald's if you like,” Matteo said, when had he ever stopped David eating anything?</p><p>Jake giggled. “Daddy you’re only allowed papa’s food!”</p><p>Ah so that’s what it was, Matteo had told him off several times while he was in America. Told him to stop eating so much take out, had found him plenty of alternatives. He understood David was working crazy hours and didn’t have time to cook but his husband had a weakness for junk food. Matteo didn’t let them get a lot of junk food at home, didn’t want David getting into bad habits. Especially as he was already sleeping badly, he needed as much nutrition as he could get. Still, he could have junk tonight, it had been a stressful day.</p><p>“Daddy can eat whatever he likes,” Matteo said, winking at him.</p><p>Jamilah came running back, crying and distressed. “Daddy! Alex left me!”</p><p>“Oh shit! Ok. Are you ok?” David asked, checking her over.</p><p>“Yes but where’s Alex?” Jamilah asked, close to tears both from being left alone in an unfamiliar place and because she was worried about Alex. The hospital was huge, she could’ve easily gotten lost and she got scared of things like that.</p><p>“David run round to the exit on the other side,” Matteo said, taking the chair from him. </p><p>“I’ll go back to the car just in case,” his mama said, “I’ll get Matty settled and I’ll wait, call me if something changes?”</p><p>“Thanks mama,” Matteo said. “Jamilah let’s go look can you walk quickly with me?” </p><p>He set off across the car park, pushing Jake, Jamilah by his side, clinging to his jumper.</p><p>“Where did she go?” Jake asked.</p><p>Matteo had an idea where she might be, he hoped because it was getting late she would still be there. </p><p>“She doesn't have a car papa, where will she go?”</p><p>“Clever girl, let’s check the bus stop,” Matteo said, heading in that direction, to the front of the hospital where the bus stops were.</p><p>“Oh! Look there she is,” Jamilah said, she almost ran off but Matteo grabbed her shoulder.</p><p>“Don’t run, c’mon,” Matteo said, walking quickly to the bus stop where Alex was sitting, alone, hunched over in the corner.</p><p>“Leave me alone,” she muttered when they got there.</p><p>“Alex!” Jamilah gasped.</p><p>“Where are you going?” Matteo asked gently.</p><p>“I don’t know, I don’t care, go away!”</p><p>“Ok I’m just going to sit here and wait with you,” Matteo said, texting his mama that they’d found her, then David to come to them.</p><p>“Alex look at my cast!” Jake said, trying to show her.</p><p>“Leave me alone, just leave me alone,” she said.</p><p>Jamilah climbed up on her and Alex put her back down.</p><p>“Why are you so grumpy?” Jamilah asked, trying to climb up again.</p><p>“Why are you here? I have to go now anyway,” she said, checking the time. The bus wasn’t due for ten minutes.</p><p>David ran up to them urgently, relaxing when he saw they’d really found her.</p><p>“Hey I’m here, Alex please come home with us,” he said.</p><p>“Alex please,” Jamilah sniffled, reaching for her. Alex picked her up, seemingly automatically and turned to David. </p><p>“Just let me go, just send me away,” she insisted.</p><p>“Alex come home with us please,” Jake said.</p><p>“Please Alex,” Jamilah begged.</p><p>“No!”</p><p>“Alex please come home,” Matteo said gently, “come home with us and we can talk about this. Please don’t make any rash decisions, you don’t even have anything with you,” Matteo reasoned.</p><p>She stared at him for a long time, then David and back to him. “Fine only for my stuff I’m not staying,” she said.</p><p>That still gave them a chance, home was a safe space, if they got her there, they could just talk to her. Reassure her, She’d needed their reassurance but they’d been too busy with Jake to give it to her. Now they had time, they would talk to her all night if she’d listen.</p><p>“Will you let my mama drive you home?”</p><p>“Fine,” she said, standing up, not putting Jamilah down, carrying her over to the cars. They all followed her as she knew where his mama was parked.</p><p>There was a small argument when they got there, Jamilah refusing to leave Alex’s side, insisting on going back with them instead. But there was room for her once they shuffled about the seats.</p><p>The car ride back to the house was quiet. David and Matteo both too worried to talk. They could’ve been making a plan but there was no plan for something like this. What they needed to do was listen to Alex, hear her needs. She didn’t want to leave, they had to listen to her to understand what she needed in order to realise she could stay. </p><p>Jake was half asleep by the time they got him into the car, he didn’t even complain that he wasn’t allowed to take the wheelchair home. The excitement of the day and the painkillers made him drowsy. He wasn’t even enthusiastic about his happy meal in the end. David had to help him eat it. By the time they got home, he was fast asleep. </p><p>When they pulled up on the drive his mama was waiting for them. Matty asleep in her arms, Alex pacing in front of the house, Jamilah trailing behind her half asleep. He knew his mama had a key, could’ve let them in already, put Matty to bed. But she couldn’t, she’d done what she could to keep Alex there, not allowed her into the house to get her stuff and run. She wasn’t equipped to handle this like they were but she’d done her best. All she could do was keep Alex safe until they got home.</p><p>Matteo got out of the car and went straight round to Jake, helping him out of the car. “Can you walk?” he asked.</p><p>Jake nodded and yawned widely, he stumbled but stayed on his feet when Matteo let go of him.</p><p>David went over to mama and took Matty from her, carefully so that he didn’t stir at all. Jamilah was clearly ready for bed, looking between him and Alex nervously but swaying where she stood. Matteo beckoned her over. It wasn’t that late but all the rushing and the excitement had tired them out.</p><p>“Jammy everything is going to be ok, can you take Jakey to bed? Daddy will put Matty down then help you get settled. You sleep and we’ll sort everything out,” Matteo promised.</p><p>“But Alex,” she sniffled, trying desperately to stay awake for her sister.</p><p>“I’m going to talk to her and hopefully she will stay. No matter what we won’t let her go, we won’t let her disappear ok?” he said.</p><p>Jamilah rubbed her eyes furiously, he gave both of them a quick hug, squeezing them tight. “Go say good night to Alex and then bed,” he whispered.</p><p>Alex was still by the door because David hadn’t opened it yet, was waiting for the twins. Matteo watched them totter over to Alex and wait. Despite how stressed she was she still crouched down and gave each of them a hug. His mama placed a gentle hand on his elbow.</p><p>“Matteo darling, I’m going to go home now. I think you’ve got enough to deal with,” she said, then waved Alex over just as she was about to go inside the house. She hesitated then reluctantly came over to them. </p><p>His mama stood in front of her, placing her hands on her shoulders, running then down her arms in a calming motion. “Alex darling, it’s all going to be ok. You have done nothing wrong, and whatever it is, whatever experiences you’ve been through that are scaring you right now, that won’t happen again. Whatever happened that is making you think you’re going to be sent away, you did nothing wrong then either. You were a child, you still are a child. You weren’t a bad child or a difficult child. There’s no such thing, just bad parents. Please trust my Matteo, he has your best interests at heart always, let him and David take care of you,” she said, squeezing her shoulders and wiping the tears from her eyes.</p><p>“Bye mama,” Matteo said quietly, hugging her tight. “I’ll call you in the morning.”</p><p>“Bye darlings, tell David goodbye,” she said, kissing his cheek and then heading to the car.</p><p>They watched her drive off then Matteo turned to Alex who was still waiting undecided, so unsure of everything. “Let’s go in,” he said gently, leading her inside.</p><p>“I’m not staying,” she said slowly, following him into the kitchen.</p><p>“Why Alex? We don’t want you to leave,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Why won’t you punish me? I get it! You all super chill and super good parents but your child is hurt! And it’s my fault! Why won’t you tell me off!” she yelled, shoving him away when he approached her.</p><p>“Because you didn’t do anything wrong,” Matteo said calmly. “We can’t punish you for that, Alex you’re our child too and right now you’re the one who’s hurting,” he said trying to reach out to her.</p><p>“I’m not! I’m just some fucking stranger you let into your house, and you were so kind and so stupid and you trusted me and look what I’ve done, look what you’ve gotten in return, Jake is hurt! You’ve done everything for me and look at what I’ve done!”</p><p>Matteo wanted to cry, how could she even think that? He had a pretty good idea why she was reacting this way and it was only half about Jake now and more about the way they were responding to the whole situation. </p><p>He hoped she saw that this was the treatment she deserved but if it was then what did it mean about all those other times? When she was punished simply for behaving like a child? That just made it a thousand times worse. All this time she’d convinced herself she was bad when that couldn’t be further from the truth.  She had to think she was bad because the alternative was so painful. She was starting to realise it wasn’t true and it was hurting her so much. She was just scared, so scared, had been for so long now.</p><p>“Alex it’s not your fault,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I’m going now, I can't wait for you to realise, I need to leave now,” she said, heading to the kitchen door.</p><p>But there was nothing to realise, nothing she could do would change that.</p><p>“Alex wait-”</p><p>“I can't stay, you’ll realise I’m bad, I can’t stay.” She ran out of the room and straight into David, who despite himself didn’t try to restrain her.</p><p>“Alex-”</p><p>“Let me go!” </p><p>They heard her thunder up the stairs.</p><p>“Shit,” Matteo muttered, bracing himself on the counter.</p><p>“We can’t lock her in,” David said, glancing at the door.</p><p>“No we can’t,” he said, he felt sick, stressed. He needed to calm down, panicking wasn’t going to help. They had only a little time to convince her to stay.</p><p>“She’s gonna leave isn’t she?” David asked. “Matteo please, what do we do?”</p><p>“Maybe, I don’t know… I think… she wants so badly to stay,” he muttered. He hated this, it was all so unfair, he wanted to tear his hair out. It shouldn’t be this way, she should be confident and happy. They’d gotten so close, they couldn’t fail her now. If this hadn’t happened then everything would’ve been fine. But if they could convince her to stay after this she would truly believe them, trust them.</p><p>“I can’t- Matteo we can’t let her go on the streets, we can’t,” David said, grabbing his hand and squeezing tight. He was beyond stressed now, they both were. Jake falling, the hospital, now this. It had been a hell of a day.</p><p>“Fuck we won’t, that won’t happen,” Matteo said.</p><p>That much he could promise him. No matter what, she was not going to end up in harm’s way. If they couldn’t convince her to stay, then they had to convince her to let them help her. If she wouldn’t let them in then they would have to help her from afar.</p><p>Alex stormed back into the room, angry and furious now. Matteo relaxed a little because that was easier, he could talk to her when she was angry, she listened better when she wasn’t panicking. Every time she’d raged at him she’d listened once she’d calmed down. The panic clouded her mind, the anger cleared it. She might actually hear them. This was their chance and he was going to convince her, even though right now she was spitting mad and he was pretty sure why.</p><p>“What the fuck is this? You went in my bag?” </p><p>She threw her rucksack onto the counter making him jump a little.</p><p>“No, yes,” he admitted quietly, he had and he felt bad but it was necessary.</p><p>“You can’t- I-” </p><p>“I didn’t touch anything but I knew this was your go bag, I knew something like this might happen and I had to make sure you’d be ok, I just slotted it down the back, I promise I didn’t look at anything,” he said.</p><p>“When?”</p><p>“The day after your assessment with Sandra,” Matteo said.</p><p>She pulled out the little emergency pouch and emptied it onto the counter. Inside there was a fully charged phone, a mains and portable charger, a copy of her prescription refill, cash, a couple of photos of Alex with the kids that he’d snapped her second night there. And a note from him.</p><p>She grabbed that now and read it aloud. “If you’re reading this you’ve run from us, I don’t know what happened or why but it doesn’t matter, please come home Alex. I promise we will always give you a home. We will always want you back. When you’re ready please call, anytime and we’ll come get you, Matteo.”</p><p>David smiled at him, squeezing his hand. Matteo took a deep breath.</p><p>“I didn’t know if you would leave or not, I think if this hadn't happened you were probably settled enough that you wouldn’t ever need it. Eventually, you would’ve found it when you finally unpacked your bag and I could risk you going off on me whenever that happened. But I had to ensure you knew you could come back. If you ran we would look for you, to at least make sure you were ok. If you really need to go now, let us help, please let us help you,” Matteo said.</p><p>She just stared, confused, like she couldn’t quite believe he still wanted her here after that, after the yelling. And the idea that they’d come looking for her, that even if she left she would be allowed back had stopped her in her tracks. She was shaking. Not panicked now, just exhausted and devastated.</p><p>“I…” </p><p>The anger was fading as quickly as it came, leaving behind a very scared girl. </p><p>“Alex? You’ve done nothing wrong. Whatever they punished you for in the past, it wasn’t your fault, whatever happened, you were a child,” David reminded her.</p><p>“I can’t,” she whispered, tears beginning to fall again.</p><p>“Alex, when you say we should send you away because you hurt one of our children, do you know how mad that sounds? You’re one of our children too. Yes, you’re a little newer but we want you here, we love you, how could we ever send you away? Alex, you are wanted,” Matteo said firmly. </p><p>He wondered how long it had been since someone had said that to her. He hated to admit it but the last person to speak to her like that, comfort her like that was probably her mother. Ten years of feeling unwanted, disposable did a lot of harm to a child. But it could be undone. They wanted her, they would put in the work. This would take years, a significant portion of her life before she was truly able to let go of this pain. Some of it would never leave her. That didn't mean she couldn’t live, didn’t mean she couldn’t be happy. When they took her in they meant forever. They would be there with her every step of the way while she healed.</p><p>She just stared at him crying so Matteo stood there with his arms open.</p><p>“I’m so scared,” she said.</p><p>“I know,” Matteo whispered.</p><p>“I don’t want to leave, I don’t but I’m so scared,” she said.</p><p>Matteo took a step closer to her. She nodded and he carefully wrapped his arms around her. She immediately clung to him, desperate and afraid, she just broke down sobbing.</p><p>“You’re not going anywhere,” he promised, waving David over. David wrapped his strong arms around both of them, holding tight. This was the safest place in the world, wrapped in David’s arms and Alex finally started to relax.</p><p>“I’m so scared, Matteo, I’m so so scared. I’m scared to sleep, I’m scared of the dark, I’m scared I’ll forget my mum. I’m scared of everything and it makes me so angry and I snap and I yell and I push and push and push. Everyone thinks I’m a bitch but I’m not. I'm just so scared,” she said.</p><p>David squeezed them both tight and they just stood there until Alex’s legs were shaking so much she couldn’t stand. So Matteo did what he always did when the world was overwhelming. He pulled them over to the side counter and sank down to the floor, pulling them both with him. Alex still in his arms, David pressed close beside them with Alex’s feet in his lap, he took her hand and squeezed it gently.</p><p>“You’ve been brave for a very long time Alex, let us be brave for you for a while. You are safe here and we will protect you, it’s time for you to live, it’s time for you to live free and happy, worry about normal shit, like parties and homework and which boybands are cool,” he said.</p><p>Alex laughed despite herself, Matteo just held her tight.</p><p>“Alex you are not disposable, you are not a temporary child. When we took you in it was never supposed to be temporary. We're not foster carers like the places you’ve stayed, we are only on the system because that was the process for Jamilah and then Jakey because of how they came to be with us. Fostering is such an honourable thing to do but when Sandra called we weren't ever planning to be your temporary home.</p><p>“I knew taking you in would be hard for us because at best we’d get you for maybe a year and then you’d be off exploring the world, at worst you’d leave because you couldn’t adjust despite our best efforts. I knew it was going to be hard, I’m so clingy and so is David we want you here until you’re old. But it was never temporary,” Matteo said.</p><p>“I’m already dreading the day you come home one day next summer, after school’s over, and you’ve got some fancy job somewhere far away taking photos, we’ll be crying our eyes out and embarrassing you. But I’m excited too because no matter where life takes you, you’re never going to leave not really, this is your home now,” David said.</p><p>Matteo stroked her hair and she started to relax properly. “Tell me what scares you,” he said gently.</p><p>“Everything,” she whispered.</p><p>“Right now?” David asked.</p><p>“Losing this, I’ve never cared before, never had a good place but losing this would be almost as bad as when my mum died,” she whispered. “It’s fucking terrifying.”</p><p>Matteo got that. All those places she’d been sent away from, at least they were bad, there must have been some relief there that she was getting away. Leaving this would hurt so much. </p><p>But she didn’t have to leave.</p><p>“You won’t lose this,” David promised, “firstly can we please reiterate that Jake falling out of the tree was not your fault, no one else sees it that way,” he said.</p><p>“I was supposed to be looking after him,” she said.</p><p>“You did though, didn’t you?” David asked.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You didn’t run away, you went straight to him. When we came out into the garden you were with him. He wasn’t even crying, he felt safe with you. Was it you that told him to hold his arm to his chest?” David asked.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“You stopped the break getting worse, if he’d moved it, even just a little bit he would have needed surgery,” David told her. “Look they would’ve probably climbed the tree and if you hadn’t been there he would've been hurt a lot more. And he would have been a lot more scared.”</p><p>“I… oh,” she said.</p><p>“And a few months ago, before I went away, he trapped his fingers in his wardrobe door and he screamed bloody murder. But he calmed down as soon as I was there. He didn’t scream today because you rushed over to him immediately and he knew he would be ok, he trusts you Alex. Do you feel like you’ve hurt him?” David asked.</p><p>“Yes,” she admitted. “I love them all so much and he was scared and shaky and that scared me, I didn’t want to see him like that,” she said.</p><p>“It’s really hard, it was the same for us but I promise you were a great comfort,” Matteo said.</p><p>“And he’s really ok,” David assured her.</p><p>“But he’ll fall again and get hurt, it just happens. So will Jammy and Mimmo too as he grows, they're kids, they’re clumsy and move around too fast for their little bodies,” he said. “It should’ve been the same for you, you should've been allowed to be a child Alex, I’m so sorry you didn’t get that, I’m sorry you were punished so severely for making simple childish mistakes. You should have never been punished for playing or getting into mischief with other children, and you should have never been treated like you were disposable, that you were less wanted or loved than the other children. That is not the case here,” Matteo insisted.</p><p>“You are one of them, the kids, and we’ll always see you that way,” David said, “we will never use the threat of sending you away to make you behave or keep you in line.”</p><p>“I… once one of the other kids broke the tv where I was staying. He blamed me and the parents just sent me back, didn’t even hesitate, called up my caseworker, packed my bag and I was off.”</p><p>“How old were you?” David asked, wiping her eyes with his sleeve. She was still clinging to his hand.</p><p>“Seven maybe?”</p><p>“Ok let me break that down, those parents were wrong you know that?”</p><p>“But…”</p><p>“I presume the boy that told on you was their own child, not a foster kid?”</p><p>“Yeah,” she said</p><p>“Ok fostering is a little different to what we’ve got going on here. But essentially when you take it on what you’re supposed to be doing is providing a home for a child in need. Sometimes that’s with the intention of making that permanent, like adoption. Sometimes it’s only ever going to be temporary but the aim is always the same, they are providing a <em>home</em> for you. Those parents did not do that-”</p><p>“What would you have done?” she asked urgently, always needing to see what the rules and boundaries were there. This was something they would just have to indulge her with, for her to learn what the right way was.</p><p>“If Jammy broke the tv?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“That’s a little tricky, I really don’t think she would lie, because I hope she knows she’s safe to tell us something like that. What happened with you and this kid, either the kid was too scared to tell the truth, that’s a problem, or the kid knew what he would get away with, he was being raised to believe he was better than other kids, also a massive problem,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Yeah I know we’re biased but I just can’t see her doing something mean like that, she loves so easily,” David said, smiling.</p><p>“But if… big if, if Jamilah broke the tv and came and told me you’d done it, I’d gather everyone round and ask what really happened and it’d be easy, there would be no tv until the truth was told,” Matteo said.</p><p>“And when she told the truth?”</p><p>“We’d get a new tv, I mean these things are so fancy nowadays, so easy to break, so many fancy features, enough to completely confuse a big name film director-”</p><p>“Look they are way too complicated Matteo don’t you start,” David said.</p><p>“I mean if anyone was going to break the tv and blame one of the kids it would be David,” Matteo said.</p><p>“You need to be a damn computer programmer to work these things,” David muttered.</p><p>Alex started laughing so Matteo squeezed her.</p><p>“The way you talk is so funny,” she said.</p><p>“Huh?” </p><p>“You get so off track so easily,” she said.</p><p>“Oh sorry,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No I like it, I’m getting used to it but what’s great is how David just follows along so easily,” she said. “You switch from thread to thread and he always keeps up.”</p><p>“He always has,” Matteo told her.</p><p>David kissed his cheek.</p><p>“Ok back to the point then we’d just get a new tv-”</p><p>“And Jamilah would be banned from using it?” she guessed.</p><p>Matteo just stared at her for a second, she was missing the point but this was what she'd brought up right at the start. She asked about rules and punishments because it was what she constantly expected.</p><p>“No of course not,” he said. “But maybe I would make her learn how to use every feature it had and then make her teach David as punishment,” he joked.</p><p>“Oh fuck off,” David said.</p><p>She would love that, she loved teaching and lording it over them, it would be punishment for David, not her. But it would be entertainment for him watching David struggle and get frustrated and that was what was more important.</p><p>“But how will she learn her lesson?” Alex asked.</p><p>“What lesson, not to break the tv?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Alex said.</p><p>“I mean I still don’t think this would happen but if expensive things get broken maybe you shouldn’t be spending tons of money on fancy stuff if it’s in a house where it’s at risk of being broken. Physically it’s gotta be secure and stuff,” Matteo reasoned.</p><p>“No you’re right that’s true, this is such a weird hypothetical because I can’t even imagine it happening,” David said, “or acting like Alex is expecting. Like I know I would never get mad. Forget about the tv thing for a second, it’s too abstract,” he said.</p><p>“Just because you hate the tv,” Matteo teased.</p><p>Despite being in media, apart from watching shows with the kids or the occasional clever movie that had piqued David’s interest, it was barely used. And it did have a lot of features that confused David and made Matteo laugh.</p><p>David ignored him.</p><p>“If Jamilah or Jake went into my office, which they are allowed to do, and I dunno broke a camera lens… I would be annoyed because I’d have to get a new one and it’s a fuss but I would never be mad. I would tell them to be more careful and I would ask them if they are in the office not to throw stuff around, and I would show Jamilah how to handle things like the lenses and camera stuff. I would ask Jake not to touch because he’s a little too young and clumsy and his hands are too little but if he still did, I wouldn’t go mad at him.”</p><p>“But they’re so expensive,” Alex said.</p><p>“They are and that’s why expensive breakable things should be kept out of reach of children. Because they touch of course they do, they’re curious and learning about the world. But they are still replaceable, what’s not replaceable is Jake's sense of safety. Going mad even just once would do serious harm, going mad again after that and that harm to his state of mind becomes irreversible so quickly. That cannot be bought back, that would affect him for the rest of his life, I could never do that to him, over an accident, hell even if he threw my lenses at the wall I couldn’t hurt him like that,” David said.</p><p>David was exactly right, they didn’t punish for accidents and if the kids were breaking things deliberately then something else was going on and raging at them could be even more dangerous then. Kids weren’t just bad for no reason, if they acted out like that something was wrong and it would take patience to understand what was happening to them. Often it was something they didn’t even understand themselves.</p><p>“Essentially Alex, your physical and mental well-being is worth far more to us than any possessions. And before you ask what about Jake getting hurt, I’m going to tell you again until you hear it, that wasn’t your fault,” he said.</p><p>Alex nodded.</p><p>“Also my final point on this, I don’t believe any of you would ever break anything deliberately and we don’t punish for accidents. But, and this goes back to what happened today, if Jamilah breaks the tv, by accident or on purpose whose fault is it?” David asked.</p><p>“Hers?”</p><p>“No ours,” David said. “She is a child, she needs to be watched, those parents should’ve been watching you and their son. TV is not a babysitter. If I was in there and she was getting wound up like she does I should be watching and calm her down before the accident happens.”</p><p>“Oh yeah that kinda makes sense,” Alex said, still doubtful but slowly believing him. </p><p>“So what else is going on Alex?” David asked, he was just as perceptive as him, knew there was something else eating at Alex. Probably had the same suspicions he did. That a lot of this was about her mum. Perhaps because they’d been encouraging her to talk about her more and she hadn’t had that before.</p><p>She looked up at him. “I miss my mum, I miss her so much, it’s been years but I miss her and…”</p><p>“You’re worried settling in here means you’re forgetting her?” David guessed.</p><p>She nodded and pressed her face against Matteo’s chest. “That will never be the case,” he assured her.</p><p>“Alex you’ve been lonely for a long time,” David said.</p><p>“Yeah,” she mumbled.</p><p>“But also you’ve never had the space to grieve, never had the chance to process the loss. Look there is no right way to grieve,” David said.</p><p>She’d shut down so early, had been forced to get over things and calm down far too soon. She’d been six years old devastated and lonely and instead of being told it was ok to be sad, she’d been made to get over it far too quickly. Except you didn’t just get over something like that, it stayed with you forever and because she hadn’t dealt with the pain when she was younger it was still just as raw. Now she had the space to finally grieve she was going to have to work through it. But Matteo was glad she was with them, rather than out on her own in the world. She could stay with them and know she was loved and know it was perfectly ok to miss her mum.</p><p>“And there is no time limit on it, you don’t need to worry about that, you grieve as long as it takes,” Matteo said. </p><p>“I think the most healing thing for you to do will be to remember her, it might hurt at first but I think it’ll help you,” David suggested.</p><p>“Moving in with us and being happy does not negate how much you loved her,” Matteo said.</p><p>“No never,” David agreed, “but she would want you to be happy.”</p><p>“Yeah I mean I don’t know what she would have expected, probably someone a little cooler than us losers,” Matteo said.</p><p>Alex laughed through her tears. “She would’ve liked you,” she said.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I think so, yeah because you’re kind, you’re the kindest people I’ve ever met,” she said.</p><p>“You’ve not met many though, I promise you there is kindness in the world and you are going to have such a kind life, we’ll make sure of it, we will be there for you always,” David promised.</p><p>“What do you remember about her?” Matteo asked.</p><p>“I think she was a bit of a nerd like you,” Alex said fondly.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“But way cooler,” she said.</p><p>“Naturally,” David said. “You won’t ever forget her.”</p><p>“We wouldn’t let you,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Thank you,” she whispered.</p><p>“Always Alex, we’re always here for you,” Matteo said softly, stroking her hair.</p><p>“I’m going to stay, this is my home,” she said, eyes drifting closed.</p><p>She didn’t say anything else, just sat there with him quietly. She was so tired and had been for a long time. </p><p>It was getting better but she still suffered with her sleep, woke up at odd hours. Part of it was probably her age, part of it was the effect of a life of uncertainty. He hoped tonight, airing her worries would help some of that. She was certainly sleeping now and deeply. Matteo just sat very still, letting her rest. He couldn’t stay there all night but he could wait a little while.</p><p>“Wow,” David whispered when she let go of his hand and curled up tight against Matteo.</p><p>“Yeah,” Matteo said.</p><p>“That wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be,” David said, leaning back against the counter and laying his head on Matteo’s shoulder.</p><p>Matteo tilted his head, resting it on top of his.</p><p>“I had hoped that because she’s old enough to reason with that if she would just give it a chance we could convince her everything was ok,” Matteo said. “That if we could make her see we weren’t angry, that she belongs here she would stay.”</p><p>“She’s been through it,” David said. “She is so used to being sent away Matteo, discarded,” he whispered.</p><p>“I know and I don’t think there’s a quick fix for that, we’ve just gotta do everything we can so that the rest of her life is easy,” Matteo said.</p><p>“We could adopt her,” David said.</p><p>“Takes too long,” Matteo said. “She’s nearly eighteen,” he reminded him.</p><p>“You told me that didn’t matter remember? When we adopted Jam it went through quick but they were kicking off about Jake and that one judge suggested we foster him for five years first and the other judge said ten, just in case someone more suitable came along,” David muttered.</p><p>Matteo shook his head not wanting to even think about back then.</p><p>“Yeah so obviously we got them kicked off,” David continued, “because they were being discriminatory and two out of three of our second lot of judges could see that Jake was happy and that therapist that assessed him the first time, Fran? She told them it was important for his health that he had stability so, in the end, they had no choice and-”</p><p>“David?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“You’re talking like me,” Matteo teased, his husband was rambling just like he did.</p><p>“Sorry, I’m just talking it through, trying to remember something you said once,” David said.</p><p>“We were very lucky. Actually, it wasn’t even luck, the main reason it worked out? We had money to pay for good lawyers. But it used to be even harder, hell I remember when I was first studying social work. Everything was very different. A lot has changed over the past fifteen years, lots of child protection laws based on studies into the best way to care for kids done around the world. Did you know less than half the kids actually went to foster families? A lot were in residential homes. I remember studying how it was in other countries. Like obviously the family route isn’t always perfect but it is a better option I think. But there were benefits too, we actually had quite a good support system in place for leavers but it was only in practice. It was there but there were hoops to access it.</p><p>“By the time there was the overhaul, like I said before many kids between sixteen and eighteen were just left behind. And for adopters, it would take probably a minimum of five years to adopt a foster child. It got quicker the older the child and if they had no parents. that’s why Jamilah was easier too because she had no relatives in the country. Mim was easy because Louisa chose us. Jake’s … they’re in jail but that doesn’t automatically give up their rights. But because they were charged with abuse a judgement was raised saying they were a danger to him we got around that. It’s now very much the child’s best interests first but it’s still hard and has only been the past ten years. It’s slow going,” Matteo explained. He knew this well because it was his job, it had sure gotten more complicated since the changes but it worked well overall.</p><p>“Now you’re doing it,” David said softly, leaning up and kissing his cheek.</p><p>“Talking like myself?”</p><p>“Yeah,” David said.</p><p>“Have you remembered?”</p><p>“Yes you told me all this before and you were saying how if it took ten years to adopt Jake we would still do it. If it took twenty we still would and I said don’t be stupid he’d be twenty-four and you said it didn’t matter, that we could do an adult adoption,” David said.</p><p>Matteo actually remembered saying that, they were trying to come up with all kinds of alternatives and one thing he thought of was just fostering Jake until he was eighteen and then giving him the choice to be adopted then. Maybe this could work for Alex.</p><p>“Yeah I mean yeah technically that’s true,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Ok well let’s not do anything as a reaction to this horrible day but… Alex is staying for good right? So we do want to adopt her, if she was younger we would. Why don’t we talk about it with her, see if she’d want that because it’ll take what at least a year? So it gives her time to think about it, let her decide. We can tell her we want to adopt her and if that’s what she wants we will put it in motion but make it clear we really really want it,” David suggested.</p><p>He had always been hoping to adopt Alex, if it was something she wanted. He’d thought it would take longer, that she wouldn’t be ready for it yet. It was something he thought they’d work out together when she was a bit older a bit more settled. He was starting to rethink that, obviously she’d only been there a few weeks but he’d adopt her tomorrow if it was easier. The pain he’d felt when he really thought she was leaving was unbearable. She was staying, she was family, if she wanted they could put that on paper.</p><p>“I’d like that very much,” he said.</p><p>“No rush, she’s staying. She wants to stay, we want her to stay why don’t we show her how much, even if it’s not something she wants it still shows her how much we want her here, how permanent we think this is,” David said.</p><p>“Actually yeah that’s a good idea, because see she might not want to because of her mum,” Matteo said.</p><p>She was only just starting to come to terms with what had happened with her mum, they didn’t want to overshadow that. </p><p>“No and that’s perfectly fine, she’s seventeen she has to choose,” David said. “She’s so strong.”</p><p>“God so strong, and she loves the kids so much, it’s so good that she gets more than us, she gets a whole family. She’s so wonderful and she belongs here with us and I’m so glad we have her,” Matteo said. “David she’s ours and it’s wonderful,” he said.</p><p>David kissed him again, eyes shining. “It is wonderful, and she’s sleeping, she’s safe so let’s get her to bed,” he said, standing up.</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“I’ll carry her,” David said, like it was obvious.</p><p>Matteo frowned at him then laughed, he shook Alex gently but she wouldn’t wake just snuggled closer, so safe and comfortable.</p><p>“I will,” he insisted.</p><p>“She’s a bit bigger than Jamilah,” Matteo warned but she wasn’t waking.</p><p>“I can carry you,” David countered.</p><p>Matteo huffed, not sure what he was implying there. “When?” he demanded.</p><p>“When you’re sick, I’ve carried you before, when you can’t move, it’s easy,” David said.</p><p>That was true and Matteo knew it. When they were younger David would drag him around all over the place. It had been a long while though. “You’ll throw your back out,” he warned but he helped David slowly lift Alex. </p><p>As soon as he was upright he froze, knowing he’d made a huge mistake. Matteo just laughed.</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“It’s fine,” David said through gritted teeth, slowly and carefully making his way to the door, they didn’t even make it out of the kitchen before Alex woke up.</p><p>“What are you doing?” she mumbled.</p><p>“You fell asleep,” Matteo said, over David’s shoulder. “David is trying to prove he’s strong. I was gonna stop him once we got to the stairs.”</p><p>“Don’t drop me, dude,” she said, blinking slowly as she noted how much David was struggling.</p><p>She started to laugh so David carefully put her down with a scowl. She just turned and smiled sleepily at both of them.</p><p>“Maybe you should get back to the gym?” Matteo suggested sweetly.</p><p>“Oh, you know what Matteo-”</p><p>“Love you,” he said softly, disarming him as always, making him just smile dopily at him. </p><p>Alex giggled. “I think I’m ok, I feel so calm,” she said.</p><p>“That’s because you ranted, you vented you let it all out, it always feels so good afterwards,” Matteo said.</p><p>He’d gone through it a lot, never seemed to learn his lesson about bottling things up but the relief of letting it all out was always a wonderful feeling.</p><p>“Yeah, it does… thank you for not letting me leave, I know I was pushing but I really never want to go,” she said.</p><p>“I know sweetheart I know, let’s get you to bed ok?” David asked.</p><p>“Yeah I’m so tired I think I might sleep,” she said.</p><p>“Sleep well Alex, we’ll see you in the morning yeah? Just sleep don’t worry about anything else,” Matteo said gently.</p><p>“Yeah, I feel better for talking,” she said, half asleep, yawning again. They followed her up to her room and she went in shutting the door to but not closed, just like the twins’ and Matty’s rooms. Just before they went to bed either him or David would go round closing all of them once they were asleep.</p><p>“Might help,” David suggested, observing her door. After a few minutes, he popped his head in then pulled it closed. “She’s already fast asleep,” he said.</p><p>They closed the other doors then David led Matteo to their room.</p><p>The twins fell asleep better when they could hear him or David moving about the house, it would probably be the same for Alex. They only closed them just before bed.</p><p>“She’s up a lot later though,” Matteo said, throwing himself on the bed and groaning when David pulled him back up.</p><p>“True but so am I at the moment, we’ll work something out,” David said, he stood in front of him and helped him undress, Matteo just let him, too wiped out from the day to resist.</p><p>“Yeah we will,” Matteo agreed, David would be up late a lot over the next few months so it was ok, they had time to work something out. Perhaps by the time David was done with these hours, Alex would be sleeping better.</p><p>David took his hand and led him to the bed, laying down beside him. “So today was a lot,” he whispered, reaching out and stroking his face.</p><p>Matteo closed his eyes at the touch, he was a little panicky from the day they’d had but David’s touch instantly calmed him a little. “Are you ok? You were so stressed,” he said softly.</p><p>“Are you? You were so calm today,” David asked, rolling him over and climbing on top of him, his fingers moved up to his hair tangling in it. He traced along his jaw and across his cheekbones with his lips and Matteo felt himself melting into the bed.</p><p>Matteo couldn’t open his eyes again, so comfortable under David. “I have anxiety, this is a feeling I’m used to, it doesn’t make it ok but I can cope when I have to. It must be scary for you,” he said, reaching out and placing his hands on David’s shoulders and running them down to his waist, gripping him tight.</p><p>“I feel calm now that it's over but are you still in it?” David asked.</p><p>“I’m calm in the moment. I feel a little panicky, or I did until you started pressing me down, that always helps,” Matteo said.</p><p>David rested his forehead against Matteo’s, Matteo finally opened his eyes and met David’s in the dim lamplight of the room.</p><p>“Ok? I’m here,” David whispered.</p><p>“I know,” Matteo said, tilting his head for another kiss.</p><p>David gave it to him willingly, then another and another.</p><p>“Everything is fine,” David promised.</p><p>“Yeah I know because you’re here,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Is this going to wipe you out tomorrow?” David asked.</p><p>“I don’t think so, I think I’ll just be extra clingy,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Well, I’m not complaining,” David said, kissing him again. He moved his hands from his hair and wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight. Matteo shivered in his arms, he couldn’t help it.</p><p>“I love you, David,” he said.</p><p>“I think everything is good,” David said dreamily.</p><p>“I really think it is, we’re good, aren’t we? Our little family?”</p><p>“It’s so perfect,” David said.</p><p>“I’m just imagining all of us together, the future they’re all going to have. Oh David, it’s going to be beautiful. I’m so excited, I know I’m scared of them growing up but I’m so excited too. I can't wait,” Matteo said.</p><p>“Oh Teo, me neither, I can’t wait for everything to come. Every morning I wake up and I’m so excited to face the day with you. Even today was awful but at the same time, it was wonderful because now Alex knows she can stay. I love you so much Matteo,” David said.</p><p>It had been a rough day but he was right, one good thing had come of it.</p><p>Alex was staying. She knew she was safe, she knew they didn’t see her as any different from the other kids and that she was wanted here always. Of course, it wasn’t that easy, ten years of doubt and rejection didn’t just go away. This would happen again, she would want to run again, she may even leave and they would try to stop her but she might not stay next time. </p><p>But she wouldn’t go for long because now she knew they’d come after her. Now she knew she could always come back. And more importantly, she knew it was ok to act like this, to panic and overreact to be scared and get angry. She knew that she could react like this, that she didn’t have to hold it in, that they would listen to her fears and validate her always. </p><p>And slowly, over time because she shared those fears with them they could make her realise that while they were valid fears and she didn’t need to worry about them alone anymore. That they were there to do some of the heavy lifting and she could just enjoy her life, knowing she was safe and loved. Supported and encouraged. She was wanted. </p><p>“I love you more than anything, thank you so much for my family,” Matteo whispered, knowing his eyes were shining. David just smiled and kissed him as he reached over and turned off the lamp.</p><p>A month ago Matteo had been drowning, suffering without David, had been completely lost. He wasn’t miraculously recovered, David coming back hadn’t fixed him. Because for starters he wasn’t broken, he didn’t need fixing. But he did need his husband by his side, he needed his whole wonderful family. They were all together again, with Alex they were complete. </p><p>David was home and he wasn’t leaving again, because here was where he needed to be, home with him and the kids. Matteo understood that now, it was still hard to believe but right now with David holding him so tight he thought they would fuse together it was hard to believe anything else. This was their home, this was where they were all supposed to be. Where the kids would grow and develop and eventually leave them to go on and have absolutely wonderful lives in homes of their own. But they would always come back, they would never truly leave. This house was their home, only because of them, their family.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So I cannot believe that was the last chapter from Matteo's POV, I can't believe we're coming to the end. </p><p>Next chapter we have a Schreibner family dinner with healing and reconciliation, a dance show, a gallery visit, and just lots of wholesome family scenes. </p><p>Next chapter may not be next week but the week after, over time as the story grew there were more and more little plots to wrap up. I'll keep you updated via tumblr</p><p>Also, the epilogue is going to cover the kids growing up, I know what I want it to cover but if there's anything you want to see from their lives, let me know and I might be able to cover it.</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com">theo (@youmustbestrongernow)</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. this home is home and all that i need</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Everything was getting back to normal. But it wouldn't ever go back to how it had been before he'd gone away. Back then he thought he could cope, leaving Matteo and the kids behind while he worked on location and travelled Europe. But he couldn't do that anymore. It wasn't just LA that made him realise that, it was Alex coming to them, she needed them so much at seventeen, the kids weren't' going to need him less as they got older they would need him more and he wasn't going to miss a second of it.<br/>He had such a wonderful, happy family with such a bright future ahead of them and he couldn't wait to be a part of that.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David felt good, settled, happy to be home. He was back with his family, content and no longer lonely. And yet since getting back home he’d been having weird dreams. Not quite nightmares, nothing scary just… he always felt lost, lonely, like he was looking for something. He spent the whole dream just searching for Matteo and the kids. They were always together when he found them and they never recognised him, just stared at him as if he were a stranger. It was awful, left him waking up wanting to cry.</p>
<p>He hadn’t told Matteo any of this yet, didn’t want to worry him but talking about it would probably help. Or they could at least have a good laugh at his stupid brain.</p>
<p>He’d been having the dream again, hadn’t made it back to his family yet to be devastated by there blank faces when he was gently shaken awake.</p>
<p>“David, David, wake up,” Matteo whispered.</p>
<p>David stretched and blinked awake, it was late or early, still dark out. The lamp was on and Matteo was leaning over him, dressed in a sweater and joggers. David frowned and reached out to stroke his cheek, it was cold. He’d been out.</p>
<p>“What’s going on? Why aren’t you asleep? Did something happen?” David sat up worried.</p>
<p>“No but it’s nearly time to get up,” Matteo said, smiling at him. He let David up properly and sat down in front of him.</p>
<p>David looked at the clock. “It’s only five,” he said, yawning. He didn’t mind though, would rather be awake with Matteo than stuck in his stupid dreams.</p>
<p>“Did you go outside?” he asked, grabbing one of the blankets and wrapping it around Matteo’s shoulders.</p>
<p>“Yeah went for a walk,” he said.</p>
<p>“What where?”</p>
<p>David was immediately concerned. If Matteo wanted to go out for a walk in the middle of the night David wasn’t going to stop him but he still didn’t like the idea.</p>
<p>“Just in the garden, I just needed to be outside,” he clarified.</p>
<p>“You should’ve woken me,” David said.</p>
<p>Matteo shook his head. “Needed to be alone, sorry,” he said.</p>
<p>David frowned and crawled closer, he tried not to worry or jump to conclusions. Matteo needing to be alone was never a good thing but he was still smiling so he wrapped his arms around him and held him close.</p>
<p>“Are you ok?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Matteo whispered.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“I’m ok David, I’m ok,” he said with such surety that David knew exactly what he meant. He was healing, the exhaustion, the depression was passing. They still needed to take it easy but Matteo was strong, he was going to be fine. He’d gone outside to check in with himself, run through everything and assess how he was feeling.</p>
<p>“Tell me how you feel?”</p>
<p>“I feel like everything is getting back to normal, I woke up and that heavy feeling wasn’t there at all, I missed it immediately, I knew it was gone, I woke up and I’m awake David,” he said.</p>
<p>Even in the dim light of the room, he could see the change in Matteo, even with his arms around him holding him tight he could feel the difference. He was sitting up straighter, as if all the weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “Oh Matteo,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Yeah I’m good, I’m excited,” he said.</p>
<p>“For what?”</p>
<p>“Just us, the kids, everything, it’s all so good,” he said, smiling wide and happy.</p>
<p>“Yes it is,” David agreed. </p>
<p>Everything was good, they were happy, the kids were happy. David wasn’t leaving again. Everyone loved him. There was nothing to worry about. There was just one thing. </p>
<p>“Matteo?” he asked quietly.</p>
<p>Matteo looked at him carefully then pushed him back down, laying beside him and covering them both with the blankets. He snuggled close. “Yeah?”</p>
<p>“I’ve been having... bad dreams, not nightmares but…”</p>
<p>Matteo stroked his face. “Tell me about them,” he said gently.</p>
<p>“I can’t find you, any of you and then when I do you don’t remember me,” he whispered.</p>
<p>He blinked and tried to calm down, why was he getting so upset? They were just dreams. He was being dumb. “It’s stupid,” he muttered.</p>
<p>“Why?</p>
<p>“Because you’re literally coming out of it and here I am going on about my dumb nightmares,” he said.</p>
<p>“David,” Matteo said, pulling that face, the one that said he was being stupid and self-deprecating. </p>
<p>He was right. “Yeah I… it hurts, I know they're just dreams but it hurts.”</p>
<p>Matteo squeezed him tight. “They’re just dreams,” he said calmly, “they are not founded in reality. I’m not a therapist but I’m guessing these would be dreams you would've had in LA if you’d actually slept? You're just on catch up. They’ll pass but we’ll keep an eye. But David we’re here, you’re not leaving again remember? And as if I could ever forget you, you’re everything David.”</p>
<p>David just curled up against him, burying his face in his neck and allowing Matteo to hold him tight. He was glad Matteo was back on top again. It was hard being strong without him. He would always do it but it was so much better when it was the two of them. </p>
<p>That time after Matty was born had been terrifying. In the moment his only worry was for Matteo, he handled everything as best he could while his husband recovered. It wasn't difficult or a chore to take care of everything for a while. But the moment Matteo was on the up it hit him just how hard it had been without Matteo’s help. Not because he couldn’t manage but because it was lonely doing these things without him, knowing he was suffering and missing out on family stuff. </p>
<p>“We have to get up soon,” David mumbled eventually.</p>
<p>“Twenty minutes but you can go back to sleep, I’m ok and you were up late,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“No point sleeping without you,” David complained. “But I’m awake, we’re busy today, the guy’s coming to look at the attic at ten,” he reminded him.</p>
<p>“Just look?”</p>
<p>“Yeah an hour tops, nap after?”</p>
<p>“Nap after, me, you and Mim,” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>“Oh god, dinner,” David realised, he’d finally promised to go over to his parents and he was regretting it now.</p>
<p>“I have the flu,” Matteo said, pulling the blankets over his face.</p>
<p>“No way,” David said, uncovering him. If he had to deal with his parents so did Matteo, he wasn’t going there without him.</p>
<p>The door burst open and Jamilah ran in and climbed on the bed. “Papa!” she said excitedly.</p>
<p>“Good morning Jam Jam, how are you?”</p>
<p>“Very good. Hungry!”</p>
<p>“Already?”</p>
<p>“Jammy why are you up so early?” Matteo groaned.</p>
<p>“Can’t sleep, smells like sick, Jake threw up,” she said.</p>
<p>Both of them were up immediately.</p>
<p>“And you didn’t think to tell us this?”</p>
<p>“I just told you,” she said, jumping down from the bed.</p>
<p>They followed her back to the bedroom.</p>
<p>“You can clean,” Matteo said quickly.</p>
<p>“No you!”</p>
<p>“I called it,” Matteo said, going over to Jake. </p>
<p>He was sitting on the bed, he didn’t look particularly ill. Was sitting and smiling, a little pale and shivery perhaps.</p>
<p>“Hi Jakey, ok? You’ve been sick?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” He scrunched up his face in disgust.</p>
<p>“He’s not ill,” David said.</p>
<p>Matteo nodded and pressed his hand to his forehead. “Might be the painkillers for his arm? Throwing his tummy off,” he said, scooping him up and carrying him to the bathroom.</p>
<p>“I’ll just clean up shall I?” David called after him.</p>
<p>“Thank you dear,” Matteo called back.</p>
<p>“Jammy can you open the window? Carefully please,” he said, stripping the bed and bundling the bedding up. The floor seemed to have escaped. Sparkles not so much.</p>
<p>“I opened it daddy,” she said, coming back over.</p>
<p>“Good girl,” David said, shoving the bedding into the hall and going to get some fresh sheets from the linen cupboard. “Jake, what bedding do you want?”</p>
<p>“Daisies please,” Jake shouted from the bathroom.</p>
<p>David grabbed them.</p>
<p>“Why was Jake sick?” Jamilah asked, taking the pillowcases when he handed them to her.</p>
<p>“Don’t know, what were you doing?”</p>
<p>“I was telling him stories about the witches that live in the woods. Carmen told me. And we think there might be some near the cabin? They’re nice witches and we’re going to go looking for them and ask them if we can fly on their broomsticks. Jake got very excited.”</p>
<p>David could guess what happened after that, he went to the doorway again.</p>
<p>“Jake?”</p>
<p>“Yes daddy?”</p>
<p>“When you got excited about the witches did you bump your arm?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Jake said.</p>
<p>David heard Matteo talking to him, probably explaining why he’d been sick.</p>
<p>David went back to help Jamilah tidy up the bed. “Sometimes if you have an injury and you hurt it, it makes you feel sick and because Jake is little he threw up,” he told her.</p>
<p>“Gross,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Very gross,” David agreed.</p>
<p>Alex walked into the room, she was dressed but clearly half asleep. “Morning,” she said, yawning and sitting down on the bean bags.</p>
<p>“These two got two excited, Jake banged his arm and it made him sick,” David explained.</p>
<p>“Hi Alex, we were talking about witches, we’re going to go find some,” Jamilah told her.</p>
<p>“Sounds cool, David I’m going in early today can I take your bike again?” she asked, prodding Jamilah’s tummy when she pouted at her lack of enthusiasm.</p>
<p>“You can, why early?” he asked.</p>
<p>“They’ll tell us today who got in the competition, I don’t know, I’m excited I want to get there early and find out, Waters will have the list already,” she explained.</p>
<p>“Oh yes Alex, I hadn’t forgotten, just lost track of the days. That’s so exciting, we can all go see Alex’s photos in town, in the fancy art gallery,” he told Jamilah.</p>
<p>“Yay exciting!” Jamilah said, hugging Alex. </p>
<p>“If they choose me,” Alex said, ducking her head, hiding behind Jamilah.</p>
<p>“They will,” David assured her.</p>
<p>“Ok cool, I’m gonna go,” she said, pulling away from Jamilah and standing up.</p>
<p>“Breakfast?” David reminded her. She was already getting so much better at food but she’d gone so long without that she tended to forget sometimes. So used to ignoring her hunger.</p>
<p>“I’ll grab some fruit, I have snacks in my bag and I’ll be home for lunch,” she said.</p>
<p>“Fruit is fine, see you this afternoon. Remember I have the dreaded dinner tonight so the kids are going to nana’s. You can go with or stay here I don’t mind,” he told her.</p>
<p>“Come to nana’s, it’s so much fun,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“I’ll go to nana’s, I can take my laptop, but can I come back here to sleep? I’m just starting to get ok at sleeping,” she explained. </p>
<p>David was not sleeping, not because he couldn’t sleep but because he was up for work in the night. The first week he’d been having late night meetings he’d often run into Alex at two or three in the morning. Since the hospital not so much. Matteo said it was because she was leaving her door open now, she could hear him up and moving around the house and it was a comfort. He hoped that was true. The past two nights, he’d shut her door on his way to bed and she’d been fast asleep, curled up tight in the blankets with that little dragon plushie they’d gotten her. So far it was having a lot more luck than poor Sparkles.</p>
<p>“We’ll pick you up on the way back,” David said.</p>
<p>“You want me to ring you with an emergency?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Oh god yes please Alex you can say-”</p>
<p>“You will do no such thing, suck it up David,” Matteo said, carrying a very naked, very wriggly Jake. He set him down on the floor.</p>
<p>“Ugh it’s not fair, come to think of it I think I actually might have the flu, maybe we both do?” he suggested.</p>
<p>Matteo just rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>“Hey Jake,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“I was sick,” he told her</p>
<p>“Oh no! You wanna maybe put some clothes on?” she suggested.</p>
<p>“I suppose,” Jake said, sighing heavily.</p>
<p>“It’s getting cold silly boy,” David said.</p>
<p>Matteo helped Jake into his dinosaur onesie, he waved to Alex, sleeves covering his hands.</p>
<p>“That’s the cutest thing,” Alex said. “Right I really have to go.”</p>
<p>“Hold on, I made you breakfast, give me the laundry babe,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>David handed it over and they all followed Matteo out of the room.</p>
<p>“Twins breakfast?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Yes please. I am starving,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Jakey, will you eat a little bit of toast?” </p>
<p>“Ok daddy, I’m a little bit hungry,” he said.</p>
<p>“Good boy, let’s get Matty,” David said, surprised that he hadn’t woken already with all the noise. </p>
<p>He soon found out why. Matty was sitting in the middle of the floor playing with the soft toys. He waved at them when they came in. “Oh my god Matty!” He rushed forward and scooped him up, checking him over. He seemed unharmed which meant… “Which one of you?”</p>
<p>“Jake!”</p>
<p>“Jammy!” </p>
<p>David raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>“It was me,” Jake admitted quietly, grinning cheekily. </p>
<p>“Naughty boys,” David said.</p>
<p>“Matty you are naughty,” Jamilah said. </p>
<p>“Notty Jammy!” Matty yelled.</p>
<p>“Naughty Matty,” David said, kissing his cheeks until he giggled and squealed. They all headed downstairs. </p>
<p>“So Matty can get out of his cot,” David announced as he walked into the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Oh my god, is he ok?”</p>
<p>“He is. Jake taught him,” David told him.</p>
<p>“Jake!”</p>
<p>Jake stared at Matteo and giggled.</p>
<p>“Jake sometimes sneaks into Matty’s room at night, or like early morning. Ever since you gave him the flashlight,” Alex said.</p>
<p>How had he missed that? He was up in the night how did he not hear little Jake sneaking around?</p>
<p>“Alex!” Jake said.</p>
<p>“Why?” Matteo asked, rummaging around in the fridge. </p>
<p>He’d obviously been chatting with Alex if he didn’t have her breakfast ready yet. She was going to be late. This always happened and she was getting pulled into their ways.</p>
<p>“Because I miss him,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“Yeah he gets him out of bed and they just play,” Alex told them, helping Jake up onto the stool.</p>
<p>“Alex!” he whined, but he wasn’t really upset.</p>
<p>“Jake! No wonder Matty is always sleepy in the day,” David said, settling him in the high chair.</p>
<p>“And he doesn’t cry?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“No he’s excited. I don’t wake him up, I wait,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“That’s cute,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“I can’t anymore?” Jake asked.</p>
<p>“Nope, you should be sleeping, why aren’t you sleeping?”</p>
<p>“If I’m awake I won’t have nightmares,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“Ok,” Matteo said, “good thank you for telling me, we’ll work it out, no more going into Matty, come to us Jakey,” he said.</p>
<p>“Why don’t you wake me Jake?” Jamilah asked, pouting.</p>
<p>He thought she’d been very quiet, she should’ve chipped in by now.</p>
<p>“You said you need sleep for your brain, for maths,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“Oh… I…”</p>
<p>“She’s right, all of you need sleep. Jake if you can’t sleep, come in to us ok? We don’t need as much sleep. We can stay up with you until you get sleepy again,” David told him.</p>
<p>“I really have to go,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Ok here, I made you up a breakfast. I knew you’d be going early, it’s just yoghurt and that granola you like. Some fruit and a muffin for later,” Matteo said, putting it into a bag for her.</p>
<p>“How did you know I’d be going early?” Alex asked.</p>
<p>“Competition final list day, it's on the family calendar that none of you ever use,” Matteo said, pointedly.</p>
<p>Matteo had set up this fancy calendar, programmed it so that it synced across all the millions of devices they had around the house. It even connected to the stupid tv, and now the car. David knew he’d pushed it out to Alex’s phone and laptop too. David kept a little handwritten diary instead, mostly just to annoy Matteo. He just grinned at his sulky husband then turned to Alex.</p>
<p>“Let me give you a lift? So you don’t have to rush,” David said.</p>
<p>“Ok, yes please, thank you. I do like cycling though,” she said.</p>
<p>“I know but we’ve kept you, get all your things. I’ll be back in time for you lot, especially my darling son who is suddenly very naughty,” David said.</p>
<p>Jake giggled as Alex pinched his cheeks.</p>
<p>“It’s good that he’s naughty,” Matteo said, stepping behind him and wrapping his arms around his waist.</p>
<p>“It’s good that he’s not scared or thinking of the repercussions. It’s also cute that he’s so close to Matty, I used to worry about Matty being a bit left out,” David said, watching the three little ones chattering away.</p>
<p>“Nah they’re really close, they all love each other,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“They love you too,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Yeah they do, I love them too,” Alex said, heading off to grab her things.</p>
<p>Five minutes later they were in the new car and on their way to Alex’s school. They’d only had the car for two days and David already hated it. All those fancy features the salesman had rattled off were cool in theory, in reality they were a pain in the ass. He didn’t need a car that talked to him, he just needed to be able to drive it.</p>
<p>“You’re going to do so well in this competition,” David said.</p>
<p>“You really think so?”</p>
<p>“I do,” he assured her.</p>
<p>She stared straight ahead and smiled. “Cool, I really think so too,” she said quietly.</p>
<p>“Oh talking about the calendar, I’ve been meaning to ask about your hair, did you do it? It looks professional,” he said, glancing across at her and her colourful braids. He knew his mum could do them, she’d done Jamilah’s for the summer. He supposed Alex probably could’ve done them herself but he remembered how little money she’d had when she came to them, couldn’t imagine her previous carers forking out for the colours. If she needed a hair appointment they could add it to the calendar which Matteo would be delighted about.</p>
<p>“Yeah Nida paid for both of us with her birthday money, I did tell her not to but she insisted, wanted to match, wouldn’t do hers without mine. I think she just wanted to get my hair done because it was a mess,” she said.</p>
<p>“I thought that when I met her, that you matched,” David said, “you need to change them up soon?”</p>
<p>He did remember some stuff, plus Jamilah’s hair was very similar and despite how her and Matteo teased him he was capable of doing her hair. Just because he deliberated over it a little too long didn’t mean he couldn’t do it. He just wanted it to be perfect for her. Even though she was a nightmare and played with it so much that all his diligent handiwork was quickly undone.</p>
<p>“Yeah in like a couple of weeks I think, I’m not sure,” she said quietly.</p>
<p>“What do you usually do, before you got the braids?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Nothing, no one ever taught me how to take care of it properly until Nida. Like I can remember my mum doing my hair and telling me what she was doing but she used nice lotions and stuff. I think the second place I moved they cut it short because they didn’t want to deal with it. That happened a lot. Even when I was a teenager and I could do it myself there were places that made me wash it every day, one lady used chemicals to make it straight and it was horrible for ages after that. No one’s ever bought me product for my own hair,” she said.</p>
<p>David had suspected as much, based on the way she’d been treated about food and possessions it seemed unlikely she’d get haircare help.</p>
<p>“Ok ok, I can’t say I know much about caring for it as it gets longer, see I deliberately let mine get bad every time it got too long just so my mum had to cut it, I needed it to be short. I can help you though, I assume by now you know how to care for it from the internet but do you need products? You can use some of Jamilah's in the bathroom, she won’t mind,” David said.</p>
<p>“Yeah she showed me, and I bought some stuff with the money you gave me, I put it in the bathroom with Jamilah’s is that ok?”</p>
<p>“As long as the only difference is the packaging?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“I’m sure the stuff is the same but in kid packaging for her, if you could just check it doesn’t say keep out of reach of children, she’ll know not to, it’s the other two I’m worried about,” David said. “If you want things like hair dye that’s fine but if you could keep it in your room.”</p>
<p>Now that Matty could apparently get out of his cot that could only mean trouble. There were gates on the stairs but did they need one for his room? Surely not but maybe for the bathroom?</p>
<p>David was pretty sure out of all of them Matty was going to be the naughtiest, if they thought Jamilah led Jake astray they were in for it with those two. He could just imagine it now, Jake being naughty just to make Matty laugh, just because he loved his little brother and wanted to make him smile.</p>
<p>He was really proud of Alex buying what she needed without asking them, now she just needed to think of it as her money, not the money he’d given her. But it was a process, she was getting there.</p>
<p>“Ok that makes sense, it’s just moisturiser but if I ever get hair dye I’ll hide it away, imagine the mess otherwise,” she said, grinning.</p>
<p>“I don’t even want to think about it. I know Laura’s hair is a lot straighter than mine but she used to do mine when I was small, she knows how to keep it tidy, how long is it?”</p>
<p>She gestured to her shoulders and he nodded.</p>
<p>“Jamilah’s hair was in braids over the summer, Matteo took them out for her, I’d gone to America by then but we could help you? Or Nida I guess but that just takes the braids out, if you want to go see a stylist just let me know and we’ll book you in, add it to the family calendar,” he said. That way Matteo would get all excited were both using it.</p>
<p>“I like Jammy’s hair but mines curlier, plus I’m too old for bunches,” she joked.</p>
<p>“Never!” David teased. “I bet it would’ve suited you though.”</p>
<p>She shrugged but she was smiling a little.</p>
<p>“It’s curlier but if you take care of it it will always look nice,” he told her.</p>
<p>“Yeah? No one ever taught me this stuff, I was too young when mum died I think,” she said.</p>
<p>David sighed, there was one person he knew who was perfect for this. </p>
<p>“What?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Ok as much as I am loath to do this, my mum knows all of this stuff. She taught me and Laura both, Matteo too, when we got Jam. If you would like to come to dinner tonight I can get her to show you but you absolutely don’t have to,” David said.</p>
<p>“Yes please,” she said, twisting the plaits in her fingers.</p>
<p>“Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“They cannot be as bad as you make out,” she said.</p>
<p>“Trust me-”</p>
<p>“Oh no, you don’t like them sure but there’s no way you’d let them near any of us if you really didn’t trust them,” she said.</p>
<p>“Ok true,” David admitted, he didn’t even dislike them, he’d just spent so long complaining about them it was hard to get out of the habit. “Ok… and maybe you could get her to talk about hair for hours and she won’t go on about-”</p>
<p>He was cut off when the car started beeping at him, they were just pulling up in front of the school. He checked the charge but it was still full. “What the fuck?” he muttered, as the beeping continued.</p>
<p>“It knows you’re parking,” Alex said, laughing at him. She pointed at the screen on the console where some kind of guide had appeared, showing him the parking spaces and how to get the car into them. He didn’t even want to park, he was just dropping her off.</p>
<p>“No, how do I disable this? I know how to park,” he argued.</p>
<p>“But it’s helping,” she said, confused by his distress, what did she know? She couldn’t even drive. All the kids these days with their cars doing all the work. Matteo was all for it, said it was safer, made driving more accessible. It probably did, didn’t mean that David had to trust a computer.</p>
<p>“Is it- Alex shit it’s taking over,” David said, as the steering wheel started moving against him.</p>
<p>She just laughed, not afraid at all despite the fact this car could be about to drive them off a cliff. “Yeah? Matteo set it up, it knows we’re at the school and it’s trying to park for you,” she explained.</p>
<p>“What if I don’t want to park?” David demanded.</p>
<p>“But you’re in the car park,” she reasoned.</p>
<p>“I don't want to park,” he said firmly.</p>
<p>Alex sighed and tapped the console, the steering wheel became loose in his hands again. “There, overridden,” she said.</p>
<p>“I hate this,” he muttered, as he manoeuvred the car over to the drop off point.</p>
<p>She just laughed at him as she got out of the car and grabbed her rucksack. </p>
<p>“Thank you for the lift, I’ll see you tonight,” she said,</p>
<p>“Have a good day Alex, text us when you find out yeah?”</p>
<p>“I will, drive safe David,” she teased.</p>
<p>“Oh go away you,” he said, waving her off.</p>
<p>That night David was back in the dreaded car, Matteo beside him. Alex and Jamilah in the back, or technically in the middle as there were more seats behind them. It was good that it gave them a lot of space but he didn’t care much for the extra features. Matteo was having none of it, had patiently listened to the complaints about the school car park then told him it was his own fault. He’d said that if David had paid attention to the sales guy he would have known about all of it before they chose the car. But the safety features and the efficiency were the best so he was just going to have to embrace modern technology and stop being such an old man.</p>
<p>He had kindly set him up with his own profile though and disabled the automatic parking. That was something at least.</p>
<p>As soon as Jamilah had found out Alex was coming to dinner with his parents it was apparently essential that she came too. It didn't matter how many times he told her it would be boring, she said it was down to her to introduce Alex to his parents, that neither of them would do it properly. She absolutely had to come with them. He’d offered for Jake to come with them but he’d been sleepy and wanted to go with his nana. He was a little shy of David’s parents. Plus he was a fussy eater and knew his nana would make him chips.</p>
<p>“Grandma and grandpa are old Alex and quite boring but they are nice, they never call me Jammy and they even call Jake Jacob,” Jamilah told her.</p>
<p>“Very true, they are certainly stuffy,” David agreed, that was the perfect description of his parents. They were the only ones to call the kids by their proper names but then people like his parents weren’t really the sort to use nicknames. He wondered how they’d call Alex.</p>
<p>“David,” Matteo warned.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>Old and boring but nice. They were harmless really. They had their differences, there’d been long periods where they’d been out of touch completely but despite his complaints, he did try to check in regularly. Not as regularly as Matteo with his mum but they just weren’t as close. It was impossible for them to get to that level. The damage was done, his parents had never been particularly warm when he was a child and that tenuous relationship had been destroyed when they refused to accept him. </p>
<p>They'd not rebuilt that, they’d practically had to start from scratch. But they had a relationship and they tried. Matteo was always on at him to try a bit harder, David usually ignored him on that.</p>
<p>He’d checked in that morning to ask his mum if Alex could come over for dinner. He’d forgotten that he hadn’t actually told her about Alex and when he did she’d cried. He had felt bad then that she wasn’t part of his life, she clearly wanted to be more involved. Matteo was right. As much as he hated them for what they’d done in the past they’d learnt and grown. They loved the kids and they loved him too. They were trying and he could probably try a little more too. </p>
<p>“She’ll end up saying it to their faces the more you agree,” Matteo argued. </p>
<p>Matteo could never be mean to anyone, he was just too sweet, if David wasn’t scared that the car would take over and drive them somewhere crazy he would lean over and kiss him. Matteo was empathetic to a fault, always sensitive to others being upset. When he’d heard about his mum being upset that morning he’d immediately gotten upset too, couldn’t help it. The idea of someone being sad always hurt him. He was so good at imagining himself in the other person’s shoes it was almost as painful for him. </p>
<p>He knew why David wasn’t as close but he was a very forgiving man, couldn’t help it and it didn’t annoy David at all. It made him want to be more like him if anything. He could never have the easy relationship that Matteo had with his mother, but he kind of wanted to try. Since Alex had started opening up more about her mum after her upset in the kitchen he wanted to. Because she’d lost that and he had a mother who loved him and he didn’t want to waste that. Because she did love him, she was very different but she loved him, that was enough. It wasn’t when he was younger, when he was figuring things out but it was enough now.</p>
<p>“They know they’re boring,” David said, as he pulled the car onto the drive. </p>
<p>They still lived in the same house he’d grown up in and he always felt a little weird coming back. Strangely familiar but without the dread he’d gotten used to for so long. </p>
<p>He loved them but it was true, they were boring. Still, he turned and winked at Jamilah. “Don’t tell them that, it might hurt their feelings,” he told her. She nodded seriously.</p>
<p>When they got to the door he lifted Jamilah so she could ring the bell then refused to put her back down, even though she was wriggling to get free. He just blew a raspberry on her cheek.</p>
<p>The door opened and his mother let them into the house. David let Jamilah down then so that she could give her a hug.</p>
<p>“Hi grandma,” Jamilah said sweetly. </p>
<p>“Hi Jamilah darling, hello David, hello Matteo.” She turned to Alex and smiled warmly. “You must be Alex,” she said quietly.</p>
<p>“That’s me,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Isn’t Alex beautiful? She’s my big sister,” Jamilah told her grandma.</p>
<p>“That’s so wonderful, she is indeed very beautiful, come in, come in,” she said, pointing them through to the living room. “Is Alex short for Alexandra?” she asked.</p>
<p>“You will call her how she wants to be called, this isn’t dinner with the queen,” David said rolling his eyes.</p>
<p>“I don’t mind but… it’s a bit stuffy,” she said, “like the way teachers talk to me, it’s kind of formal, less personal, I prefer Alex,” she said.</p>
<p>“I guess I never thought of it like that,” his mother said, “is it the same for Jacob?”</p>
<p>“No one calls him Jacob mum, you keep calling him that he’ll never see you as someone he’s close to, it’ll be the same with Matty,” he said.</p>
<p>She nodded thoughtfully. “I’ll definitely bear that in mind, why don’t you go through? Laura and Bethany are in with Ben and-”</p>
<p>“How come dad is Ben not Benjamin?” David asked, knowing he was being cheeky if the exasperated expression on Matteo’s face was anything to go by.</p>
<p>“Because he’s my husband,” she said simply.</p>
<p>Maybe that was as close as they got to pet names. Whatever worked for them David supposed. Jamilah, now bored of this conversation and wanting to see her Aunts and her Grandpa, dragged Alex through to the living room. Matteo trailed behind them, stopping to whisper in his ear for him to behave. As if he would misbehave.</p>
<p>“It was so nice of you to bring Jamilah and… Alex, David,” she said.</p>
<p>He raised his eyebrow but didn’t comment. “I mean it’s past Jammy’s bedtime so she’s probably going to get cranky but I thought you should meet Alex and she’s her shadow so…”</p>
<p>“Why didn't you tell me about her until this morning David?”</p>
<p>He sighed, he really did feel bad. “It’s not… I…”</p>
<p>“I’m trying David, I’m really trying but there’s only so much I can do without any input from you. If I’m misstepping, if I’m doing something wrong you have to tell me, how can I fix things if you don’t tell me I need to fix it?” she asked, eyes shining.</p>
<p>“No look, everything with Alex was uncertain, we took her in when she had nowhere else to go but we didn’t know if she would stay,” he explained.</p>
<p>“David, I do understand that but you never told me, you told Sophie?”</p>
<p>“Yes Matteo did but-”</p>
<p>“And I know she was a far better mother than I was but I still wish you’d told me, it really hurt to hear I’d had another granddaughter because either you forgot about me or didn’t think I needed to know. I am so so sorry for the past David but I don’t know how much longer I can be sorry before you forgive me, I know I don’t deserve it-”</p>
<p>“I forgave you years ago,” David said. But did she know that? He hadn’t really acted like it. “I’m sorry mum,” he said because he was. He’d taken it a little far. At this point, he was punishing them for nothing when they were trying hard to rectify their mistakes. He pulled her into a hug, “I think I forgot I needed to try too.”</p>
<p>“I love you David, so so much, do you know that? Do you believe me?”</p>
<p>“I do mum, I love you too, I… I want to try harder ok? I know we’re different in so many ways but I do want you in my life ok?”</p>
<p>“Thank you David,” she whispered, pulling back and wiping her eyes.</p>
<p>“I did have an agenda though,” he admitted.</p>
<p>“Really?” she asked, seemingly surprised he would want anything from her.</p>
<p>“Yes mum... look she’s been fostered by a lot of people who didn’t care about her, there’s a lot of bad shit but... no one’s ever taught her to care for her hair and I thought maybe you could show her, you always wanted to with me and Laura,” he said.</p>
<p>She stared at him, twisting her hands. David thought she might cry but she didn’t, just nodded and smiled a wobbly smile.</p>
<p>“I… I would love to,” she said quietly.</p>
<p>“Ok warnings, she’s not big on hugging or touching so just always ask first, make sure she’s comfortable and just… be careful in the way you ask, no judgement she’s missed out on so much there’s a lot that she’s normalised,” he explained.</p>
<p>She placed a hand on his elbow. “Thank you for thinking of me, I know you don’t trust me with them,” she said.</p>
<p>“I do but could you blame me if I didn’t? When I got Jammy I was scared. She was so precious and I just couldn’t imagine doing what you did. I know we’d made progress but it brought it all back, all I could think of was how cold you were with me and I couldn’t let her near you until I worked on that. I’m sorry there’s still some of that left over, I’m going to try and let it go. Give me a bit more time yeah?”</p>
<p>“Thank you David,” she said, squeezing his arm and kissing his cheek. “Let’s go in.”</p>
<p>They went into the living room and found Matteo sitting and chatting with Laura and Beth, Jamilah appeared to be introducing Alex to his dad. His quiet father was wearing that amused fond expression he wore when she was telling him something.</p>
<p>David went over and sat by Matteo while his mum slowly approached Alex. “Hello Alex shall we look at your hair? And then we can eat,” she asked.</p>
<p>“Thank god,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Come here you big bag of worms,” his dad said, scooping her up onto his knee. She just laughed.</p>
<p>Alex glanced at David and then nodded at his mum. “Ok… yeah, that’d be good thank you,” she said. </p>
<p>His mum led her over to the other sofa and sat down beside her. She waited for Alex to nod before inspecting the braids.</p>
<p>“I like these, they’re very good. How often do you wear it in a protective style?” she asked.</p>
<p>Alex shrugged.</p>
<p>“Is this the first time?”</p>
<p>“Yeah? Because like at some places they would just straighten it with chemicals and at others, they cut it short even though I knew I could do more with it. And just by the time I was maybe old enough I still… I didn’t have any money or I watched videos but I couldn’t figure it out and… my hair never went like it did in the videos so…”</p>
<p>“You gave up?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she admitted.</p>
<p>“Ok, I understand that, it must’ve been frustrating. Do you understand what I mean by protective style? That the braids are to protect your hair?”</p>
<p>“Yes, to keep it nice?”</p>
<p>“It’s clever,” Jamilah said, “they look pretty and keep your hair safe.”</p>
<p>“Stops it getting damaged, keeps it soft and manageable,” his mum explained.</p>
<p>“Yes I know but…”</p>
<p>“Your hair was already damaged? Before the braids what did you do?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Dunno I just wore a hat,” she said.</p>
<p>His mother raised an eyebrow and then looked at him.</p>
<p>David scoffed. “Why are you looking at me? This was before she was with us,” he muttered.</p>
<p>Laura just laughed at him, he’d worn a hat pretty much every day when he was a teenager.</p>
<p>Alex got out her phone. “It was kind of like this before the braids,” she said.</p>
<p>His mum took the phone and frowned, then reached out and tentatively ran her fingers through Alex’s braids.</p>
<p>“The stylist who did this, cut your hair first yes?” his mum asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she took the phone back and swiped through, “ok just before she braided it, it looked like this, I’d never managed to get it so tidy,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Ok, that’s good. She cleared out the unsalvageable bits, what she’s done is cut away the hair that couldn’t be saved.” His mum ran her fingers to the top of the braids. “You have about two weeks left on these. I’ll take them out for you and show you how. When they’re out your hair will be just like it was right before the braids. You’ve been caring for it like you were told?”</p>
<p>Yeah er… I keep forgetting to cover it at night… I’m not good at sleeping,” she said.</p>
<p>“Grandma I have a special pillow,” Jamilah piped up.</p>
<p>“She has a satin pillowcase like you told me Leah,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Good job Matteo,” his mum said fondly.</p>
<p>What a suck-up his husband was. David gave him a withering look and he just smirked.</p>
<p>“We’ll get you one Alex, that way you don’t have to worry about your weird sleeping habits,” David said.</p>
<p>“Thank you David,” she said.</p>
<p>“Ok, so your stylist told you to wash these every two weeks?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she said.</p>
<p>“Once they're out one to two weeks is fine, never more than once a week,” she said firmly. “Whatever your previous foster parents said they were wrong, you do not need to wash this every day. It does not make you dirty or unclean to leave it alone.”</p>
<p>“Ok,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“But moisturise every couple of days, you can use the same stuff as Jamilah,” his mum said.</p>
<p>“Cool thank you, really thank you,” Alex said.</p>
<p>His mum squeezed her shoulder. “No problem. Those care videos you watched should be easier now. But let it rest for a month then I can show you some new styles,” she said.</p>
<p>That was nice, for both of them. A way to bond. His mum loved this stuff when neither him nor Laura were interested. Both Jamilah and Alex were, it was nice that she could have that in common with them. Alex liked clothes and fashion too, again similar to his mum. They would get on well and he was glad of that.</p>
<p>Jamilah jumped down and ran over.</p>
<p>“Grandma I want twists for my dance show please, you do them the best,” she said.</p>
<p>“Ok sweetheart. You have a dance show?” she asked, glancing hopefully at David. He suddenly felt really bad. He never wanted her to feel unwelcome in their lives but he’d not even considered asking her. Which was really sad and unfair.</p>
<p>“Yeah we’re all flowers but I’m the best flower. I’m a sunflower, that’s Jake’s favourite so I asked if I could be one,” she told her.</p>
<p>His mum reached out and stroked her face. “That’s lovely, your grandma used to dance, you know?”</p>
<p>She did, he’d seen videos of her. She’d danced until she’d had Laura and even after she’d had them she still taught until a few years ago. She always loved to dance and she loved to watch it too. She would love to come and watch her granddaughter dance and he should have asked her sooner.</p>
<p>“Would you like to come?” he asked.</p>
<p>“I would love to David,” she said.</p>
<p>“Ok Matteo will send you the details,” David said. “And er… you know they’re always asking for help with these clubs. Maybe you could do that, if you like?”</p>
<p>“David, I would love to,” she said.</p>
<p>“I’ll sort it out with the school Leah,” Matteo said and she smiled at him, so excited at the prospect.</p>
<p>“Yay! Let me show you grandma,” Jamilah said, running into the middle of the room and spinning around.</p>
<p>“Ok?” Matteo asked, turning to face him.</p>
<p>“You were out in the hallway a long time,” Laura said.</p>
<p>“Yeah we talked I… she’s really sad I… I forgave her years ago but I never really acted like it,” David said.</p>
<p>“It’s complicated, it’s a process, you’re right to take your time but maybe it’s time you let her in,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Is that what you want?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Yeah, I do, both of them,” he said.</p>
<p>“I think…”</p>
<p>“Yes Matteo, I want to hear,” David encouraged.</p>
<p>“It’s tricky but I’ve always felt you were punishing them in a way. Because they were bad parents you don’t want to give them a chance as grandparents. And that’s entirely your choice, you’re the one that gets to decide but… they’re not awful, you can give them a chance, several chances in fact because if they fuck up, the kids have us. It won’t ever be like it was for you.”</p>
<p>That was exactly what David had been thinking lately. He hadn’t realised just how long he’d been feeling this way, holding onto all that pain from his childhood. It wasn't a good thing, he was becoming part of the reason their relationship was strained.</p>
<p>“You need to find a balance I think,” Beth suggested.</p>
<p>“You love her, as much as you resist you love them both,” Matteo said. “Both of you do.”</p>
<p>“I do,” David admitted, laying his head on Matteo’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“She loves them too, she’s not a natural at this and she overcompensates, I think it might be nerves but she does love them,” Matteo said, watching her with Jamilah.</p>
<p>“She does,” David said. </p>
<p>Perhaps she was so worried about fucking up again and losing them like she had David that she took it to the other extreme. They could work on that. They were working on that.</p>
<p>“Is Aunt Libby not coming?” Laura asked.</p>
<p>David groaned, he couldn’t help himself.</p>
<p>“Not today, we thought close family was better for meeting Alex,” his dad said.</p>
<p>“Thanks dad,” David said, smiling at him.</p>
<p>“How is the film going David?”</p>
<p>“Slow. Post-production is always slow,” David told him.</p>
<p>“I just think it’s incredible that you can do it from here,” his dad said.</p>
<p>“Technology has come a long way,” David said. </p>
<p>Even ten years ago it wouldn’t have been as easy as it was now. It would’ve been doable sure but it would have been incredibly slow.</p>
<p>“It certainly has,” his dad agreed.</p>
<p>“Oh dad we got a new car, it parks itself and can even drive on the motorway,” David told him.</p>
<p>His dad looked horrified, shook his head furiously and glanced toward the door where he knew the car sat parked on the drive. “Oh no David don’t let it do that, no I don’t like that at all,” he said.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry neither does David, he had an argument with the car in the car park this morning,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Funny,” David muttered, while everyone except his parents laughed at him.</p>
<p>“Shall we eat?” his mum suggested, probably sensing that he was about to start arguing with them. He appreciated that, knew it was an argument he would lose.</p>
<p>“Alex is a vegetarian remember?” he asked as they stood.</p>
<p>“I remember,” she said.</p>
<p>“I am also a vegetarian, grandma,” Jamilah said as she followed her through to the dining room.</p>
<p>“Are you?” his mum asked.</p>
<p>“Yes but I eat chicken,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>They all laughed. “So you’re a chicken vegetarian?” his mum asked, sitting Jamilah at the table and showing the rest of them their seats.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>His mum stepped out to get the food, David was about to go help but of course, Matteo beat him to it, the show off. They came back in with several large trays of food, setting them down on the table.</p>
<p>“Everything’s vegetarian today, no chicken Jamilah,” his mum said.</p>
<p>“That’s ok I’m super hungry,” she said.</p>
<p>His dad chuckled and prodded her tummy.</p>
<p>“Ok so I got some tofu, David said you ate it, it’s quite versatile, I made a peanut curry, it really absorbs the flavour,” she said.</p>
<p>Matteo gave him a look and David ignored him.</p>
<p>“How is Jake?” his dad asked.</p>
<p>“He hurt his arm because I told him to climb a tree,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“I remember when you broke your arm, the first time, trying to climb into your window from the tree, I assume you were testing to see if you would be able to get out that way,” his mum said.</p>
<p>“Daddy!”</p>
<p>Laura laughed, he’d been an absolute terror. </p>
<p>“Yes he tried to jump into his window and missed by miles he’s lucky he only broke his arm,” his dad said.</p>
<p>“It was a bad break, I stayed with you all night in the hospital, almost banned you from the garden too,” his mum said.</p>
<p>“Daddy was naughty?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>“He was very naughty, always getting himself into trouble,” his dad said.</p>
<p>“He was the worst,” Laura agreed.</p>
<p> Beth tutted at her.</p>
<p>“I’m never naughty,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“I’m sure you’re not,” his dad agreed. “Now Alex are you doing your abi?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Yes, art,” she said.</p>
<p>“Very good,” his dad said.</p>
<p>David glanced at his mum but she didn’t comment. When he’d chosen art she’d gone mad, was adamant he do something proper, more academic. He supposed he’d proved over and over that it was a good choice. </p>
<p>“I really like photography,” Alex said</p>
<p>“Ah that’s wonderful,” his dad said.</p>
<p>“Alex is going to be in a competition in the city next week, you should go see her stuff,” Matteo suggested.</p>
<p>She’d texted them that morning the minute she’d gotten confirmation. She’d made the top ten and her work would be displayed in the gallery. There would be a ceremony and she’d find out then where she’d placed in the competition.</p>
<p>“Oh I don’t know about that,” his mum said.</p>
<p>“Huh?” That was weird, she’d jumped at the chance to see Jamilah’s show. Unless it was just because Alex was new. That was a little weird, she’d just said how important it was to be part of the family so why didn’t she want to come?</p>
<p>“Your mother doesn’t like going into the city since her fall,” his dad said.</p>
<p>“Oh I’m alright really Ben it’s just my nerves,” she insisted.</p>
<p>A couple of years back she had been out shopping with a friend and she’d tripped on an uneven kerb, falling badly, breaking her leg and damaging her shoulder. She’d had to stay in hospital and then was housebound for a long few months after that. It had left her very nervous of falling. The damage that the fall had done to her body made her scared. She rarely left the house without his dad nowadays.</p>
<p>“What if I went with you mum?” David offered.</p>
<p>“I’ll think about it,” she said but her hands were shaking at the idea. He hadn’t realised it was this bad. He reached out and took her hand.</p>
<p>“I could drive you, park right outside?” he suggested.</p>
<p>“Yes ok, that should be ok… that’ll be lovely David,” she said. </p>
<p>She seemed so happy about it. He realised how trapped she must feel and he felt bad. She was such a far cry from the imposing woman of his childhood. Slightly frail and vulnerable, suddenly all he wanted to do was take care of her despite himself. Despite the fact they'd failed him when he’d needed them he couldn’t see them suffer.</p>
<p>“Mum if… if you ever need to go into town I can take you, me or Matteo would always take you,” David offered, realising that while she only went out with his dad, she’d probably feel safer with him or Matteo with her in case of another fall. She must’ve felt so isolated these past couple of years. She was a proud woman, wouldn’t ask for help on something like this.</p>
<p>“We would too mum,” Laura said.</p>
<p>“I know, you’re very good to me but…”</p>
<p>“You’re never a burden Leah,” Beth said gently.</p>
<p>“Thank you Bethany,” she said.</p>
<p>“And how are you Matteo?” his dad asked, changing the subject away from his wife’s discomfort. “I bet you're glad David is back from America.”</p>
<p>“I’m so glad Ben, it was really hard without him,” Matteo said quietly.</p>
<p>His mum nodded at him and reached over and squeezed his hand. “I certainly couldn't have done it, I’ve not been away from Ben since we married,” she said.</p>
<p>Matteo smiled at her, understanding exactly what she meant. So did David.</p>
<p>“I’m not doing it again,” David told all of them.</p>
<p>“But what about all the good movies? LA David?” his mum asked, she didn’t quite get it.</p>
<p>“Family comes first,” David insisted.</p>
<p>“You’re a good father David, a good husband,” his dad said. </p>
<p>His mother nodded now slowly understanding, she smiled at him.</p>
<p>“Er David?” Alex said. Jamilah was leant against her heavily, fast asleep. They’d warned her that it was going to be a late one but she hadn’t listened.</p>
<p>“Uh oh,” David said, getting up.</p>
<p>“Do you have to go?” his mum asked sadly, not wanting them to leave yet. They’d made so much progress and she was scared it would be undone once he walked out of the door. She didn’t have to worry about that. They would stay a little while longer.</p>
<p>“No we can stay but…”</p>
<p>“Why don’t you put her up in your old room for a little bit?” his dad suggested.</p>
<p>David nodded and scooped her up, she didn’t wake so he carried her upstairs carefully. He grinned when he stepped into the room. It was still the same even after all these years. They hadn’t changed it at all. </p>
<p>Even after they kicked him out, forced him to run away to Laura’s they kept his room the same just in case they ever got him back. But they hadn’t changed the room back that was the thing. Until he’d been thirteen the room had been a hideous pink colour, the walls, the curtains, the bedding. He didn’t hate pink exactly it was just what it represented back then. </p>
<p>So he’d repainted it one day in the summer holidays, a nice pale blue. It would’ve been nice except he was thirteen, had never painted a room in his life and was pretty lazy about it back then. It was a very haphazard streaky job he’d done but it was preferable to the colours his mother had chosen for him. Still, he’d always figured they’d turn it into a guest room or at least tidy up the decor. But no it was still very much the mishmash bedroom of a teenage boy.</p>
<p>They didn’t really have visitors anyway, apart from the kids and they didn’t care how the room looked. They’d never actually stayed over but perhaps in the future they could. Right now the only other place Jake would sleep was his nana’s but it was something they could work on. </p>
<p>It all felt a bit sudden this weird desire to let his mum into his life properly again but seeing just how upset she was earlier had made him want to.</p>
<p>He laid Jamilah in the bed and crouched down beside her, stroking her hair. She blinked awake and smiled sleepily.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Hey daddy, I’m tired,” she said.</p>
<p>“I know, you can sleep in here for a bit,” David told her, tucking her in.</p>
<p>“This is your room,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Yes it is,” David agreed.</p>
<p>“From when you were little?”</p>
<p>“Yes that’s right,” he said. </p>
<p>“You were sad here,” Jamilah said, eyes drifting closed.</p>
<p>She was right, they never lied to her on that. She was a child but she wasn’t blind, was able to pick up on the tension between him and his parents. She shouldn’t have, he should’ve worked on that by now but she knew his story. He’d told her when he’d promised to always listen to her. After she’d gone through a whole year of adults ignoring her cries for help. He’d told her he knew what it was like to be ignored by adults that were supposed to keep you safe, that he’d gone through exactly that at the hands of his parents and he would never ignore her, no matter how big or small the problem.</p>
<p>“I was, for a long time, I was so sad I had to leave because grandpa and grandma didn’t see me correctly and it was very painful for me,” David said, she was close to sleep now but he said it anyway. </p>
<p>She just nodded drowsily and rolled away.</p>
<p>“I am sorry David,” his dad said from the doorway.</p>
<p>David glanced around at him.</p>
<p>“Huh?” he asked, standing up. He made sure Jamilah was comfy and then went over to him.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry that we caused you so much pain, I am so sorry. I never understood that it could actually hurt you, if I had I would never have resisted for so long, hurting one’s child is never ok,” his dad said.</p>
<p>David looked at him for a moment, when did this man get so weary, so small? He knew why he was suddenly so keen to make sure they had a place in his life. It was hitting him that he didn’t have them forever. A good while yet but they were in their late sixties, he didn’t want to miss out on any more time with them. Not when they desperately wanted to be in his life.</p>
<p>“I know, I do forgive you,” he insisted.</p>
<p>“And your mother?”</p>
<p>“Yes both of you,” David said.</p>
<p>“You did so well David, you grew up to be so good, despite us. We are both so proud of you, I know your mother can be a bit of a prickly woman, so set in her ways but she loves you so much. It’s hard for her to show it, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it,” his dad explained.</p>
<p>“I haven’t made it easier,” David admitted.</p>
<p>“No, but you were right to keep your guard up.”</p>
<p>“I kept it up longer than I ever intended,” David said.</p>
<p>“It’s not too late,” his dad reassured him.</p>
<p>“It’s not and dad if you or mum ever need our help please don’t be too proud or too scared to ask. I would always help no matter how I felt about you, I don’t like the idea of the two of you trapped here,” David said.</p>
<p>“We’re not really the sort to get out and about much son, we’re happy here with each other for company,” his dad said.</p>
<p>David smiled at that, he felt very similarly if he was honest.</p>
<p>“I get that,” he said.</p>
<p>His dad chuckled.</p>
<p>“Oh I know you do, Matteo is the only company you really need, it’s the same for Leah and I, since the day we met really,” he said.</p>
<p>That was one thing he liked having in common with his parents, their marriage was solid, strong, they loved each other now as much as they ever had. He liked that, could see himself and Matteo like that in thirty years time. </p>
<p>“Let’s let Jammy get some sleep,” David said. They both crept out of the room and he closed the door quietly.</p>
<p>“Your mother is feeling sentimental,” his father warned, “her and Laura are telling stories about you.”</p>
<p>“Nevermind I’ll have a nap too,” he said.</p>
<p>“Come on son, they’re good ones,” his dad said.</p>
<p>“There are no good ones, Laura is a menace,” he said.</p>
<p>His dad just laughed and pushed him toward the stairs.</p>
<p>A few days later David was on his first warning. He’d made a comment on the lighting and Matteo had given him that look. The one that said ‘David, I expect you to be on your best behaviour tonight’. How rude of him. David was behaving, he was being perfectly polite. He’d just made a simple observation that the lighting in the hall was quite poor.</p>
<p>It didn’t matter, he had a good camera, he would still get good photos. He was setting it up and showing Alex at the same time. Matteo was sitting nearby with Jake, Matty, his dad and Sophie. His own mother was backstage with Jamilah doing her hair as promised.</p>
<p>“Look at that guy,” David said, pointing him out to Alex.</p>
<p>“David,” Matteo said, exasperatedly.</p>
<p>That was his second warning but he wasn’t scared. As much as Matteo warned him to behave he didn't really mind, he knew what he was like about this stuff and enjoyed hearing him rant. He enjoyed pretending to be long-suffering when really he was fond.</p>
<p>“Matteo he’s got a four hundred euro camera balanced on a ten euro tripod, seriously?”</p>
<p>Matteo just raised an eyebrow, he didn't look impressed at David’s observations.</p>
<p>“It is pretty stupid,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Yeah I guess,” Matteo conceded.</p>
<p>“Hey!”</p>
<p>How dare he not hold David’s observations in the highest regard? How dare he agree with Alex but when <em>he</em> pointed stuff out he was being over the top? What a rude man his husband was.</p>
<p>Jake jumped up from his seat and rushed over to him. </p>
<p>"Daddy can you take my picture?" he asked. </p>
<p>David ruffled his hair. "Yes come here, let's get you with Alex," he suggested. </p>
<p>Alex scooped him up and he took several photos of Jake smiling in her arms. </p>
<p>"Lovely," he said, "Alex can we do a new photoshoot with you soon?" </p>
<p>He'd been thinking about it lately, they needed new family photos now that the family had grown, there was still plenty of room for photos. Because of course there would be countless more as they grew and David wanted to document it all. For their walls, for Matteo's memory boxes, and for them as they got older so they could look back at their childhoods fondly. </p>
<p>"Oh," Alex said, nodding slowly, a small smile on her face. </p>
<p>"Don’t say yes, they’re a nightmare, hours it takes," Matteo said. He was being particularly rude this evening. It was good, he was doing so much better, well on his way back to being his rude and cheeky husband. David loved it. </p>
<p>"I thought maybe Alex could help actually Matteo," David said. </p>
<p>"I would like that," Alex said. </p>
<p>David stuck his tongue out at Matteo because he'd won. Of course, that was when his mum came back over. </p>
<p>"David you’re thirty-six years old, try and act like it," she said, causing Matteo to grin cheekily at him. "Jamilah is ready and the show starts in about five minutes," she said, sitting down beside his father.</p>
<p>"Have you ever had any fun?" David asked her. </p>
<p>"Certainly, long before you were born mind," she countered. </p>
<p>She was fun, she showed it differently to him but at the same time he'd definitely picked up his wit and sarcasm from her, his bluntness too. </p>
<p>"Ouch," he said. </p>
<p>"Come sit David," Matteo said, the seat he had was the aisle seat so he could get up and check the camera once the show started, without disturbing anybody. </p>
<p>He was about to sit down next to Matteo when his husband shook his head and pointed to the stage. He'd spotted their daughter peaking around the curtains.</p>
<p>"I think she wants you," Matteo said, he pointed to himself and Jamilah shook her head, when he pointed to David she nodded. She looked ever so nervous. </p>
<p>David kissed Matteo’s cheek and turned to Alex. "Could you?"</p>
<p>"I’ll get it all," she assured him. </p>
<p>David was probably going to be watching from the stage. He rushed up to it and climbed up, Jamilah immediately came running over, throwing herself into his arms. </p>
<p>"Daddy I don’t want to, I’m scared," she whispered. </p>
<p>David picked her up and snuck backstage, sitting down with her in his lap. She was dressed as a sunflower, green leggings and a t-shirt with a beautiful ring of yellow petals around her face. Her hair was in twists just like his mum promised, she'd done it for her that afternoon and it meant Jamilah's hair would be easy in the mornings for a few weeks. Perhaps she would even let him do it. </p>
<p>His mum had also had boxes of product she’d gotten for Alex. </p>
<p>It was different to when she spoiled the kids though, these weren't fancy things. It was stuff she should've already had, stuff to help her take care of herself. Alex had been so grateful, had sat down with her and devised a whole beauty routine. He hadn't thought she was into all that but he thought perhaps she hadn't even realised it herself. So intent on being invisible the thought didn't even cross her mind. </p>
<p>David was pretty sure out of all of them Alex was going to be the one who got on the best with his mum. They seemed to have connected well and David was happy to encourage that. </p>
<p>"Why are you scared sweetheart?" David asked, cuddling her close and pressing a kiss to her forehead. </p>
<p>"I might fall and I think maybe I'm not very good," she whispered. </p>
<p>"I don’t think you'll fall, but if you do you just get back up. You’re such a good dancer Jammy everyone will be so impressed by your dancing and they won’t mind if you fall. You are really good and I can't wait to watch you," he said. </p>
<p>"Do you promise?" she asked, already calmer, nerves fading. </p>
<p>"If anyone laughs I’ll kill them myself," David said. </p>
<p>Jamilah giggled. "Daddy! Can you watch from up here?" she asked. </p>
<p>"Of course, I'll be right here watching and as soon as you’re done you can come back to me," he promised. </p>
<p>"Hello Jamilah, all ok?" Miss Lilly asked, Jake's teacher, she ran the after school dance class. </p>
<p>"She's a little nervous, I’m going to watch from here," David explained. </p>
<p>Miss Lilly nodded. "Not a problem, two minutes, Jamilah if you're ok can you get in position?" she asked gently. </p>
<p>Jamilah nodded and stood up, excited now. </p>
<p>"Yes Miss Lilly," she said. </p>
<p>"Good luck," David whispered, kissing her cheek and letting her go. </p>
<p>He watched her get into place and gave her a quick wave before she turned to face the front. </p>
<p>All of the kids were dressed as various flowers and it was the most adorable thing David had seen. He just smiled as the lights went down and he watched his daughter dance and twirl around the stage, so elegant and graceful. </p>
<p>She didn’t fall, she kept her rhythm so well but when one of the little boys fell over she forgot herself to immediately help him up. Because she was so kind like that. </p>
<p>David smiled so proudly at her as she and the boy tried to get back in sync with everyone else. They never quite managed it but they kept dancing in sync with each other and having fun. Because that was all it was about, having fun. </p>
<p>When it was over she missed the bow at the end because she ran straight back over to him. He just held her tight while everyone clapped. They stayed there at the back of the stage until they were joined by Jake and Matteo.</p>
<p>“Jamilah you were so good,” Jake said. </p>
<p>“Wasn’t she Jake?” David said, letting go of Jamilah so they could hug.</p>
<p>“Do… can you keep the costume?” Jake asked, eyeing it wondrously.</p>
<p>“Yes nana made it so it’s hers,” Jamilah told him.</p>
<p>“Would you like it, Jake?” David asked.</p>
<p>“It’s a bit big,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I think nana could probably make it smaller though,” David said.</p>
<p>“Yes please, I love sunflowers,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“That’s why I chose it,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Alex got it all, without any fuss,” Matteo said smugly.</p>
<p>“Don’t start,” David said, shoving his husband. They were about to climb down from the stage when the little boy who fell came running up to them. He was dressed as a daisy and he was young. He was little like Jake so probably closer to his age. No wonder Jamilah had helped him up. </p>
<p>“Hey Jamilah, thank you,” he said shyly.</p>
<p>“Hey Zach that’s ok, are you hurt?” she asked.</p>
<p>Zach shook his head.</p>
<p>“Zach I like your costume,” Jake said, hiding slightly behind his sister.</p>
<p>“I love daisies,” Zach said.</p>
<p>Jake crept out from behind Jamilah, stepping closer to Zach. “I love sunflowers,” he said.</p>
<p>“Cool.”</p>
<p>“Zach you were very good,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“But I fell,” he said.</p>
<p>“You were still very very good,” Matteo assured him.</p>
<p>Zach looked at him, a little confused. “Thank you,” he whispered.</p>
<p>David was watching Jake who was frowning at something, kept glancing between Matteo and Zach then looking around. Suddenly he rushed at Zach and hugged him tightly. Zach started to giggle and hugged him back. Finally smiling, the worried expression he'd been wearing, fading away.</p>
<p>David grinned and Matteo was looking just as fond, they were all so sweet.</p>
<p>“I have to go Jake,” Zach whispered.</p>
<p>“You know where your parents are?” David checked, otherwise he’d take him to find them. There were still a lot of people around.</p>
<p>Zach pointed them out where they stood waiting, David sighed. His dad was looking at his watch, tapping his foot impatiently. Bored with all of this. David crouched down in front of Zach.</p>
<p>“You are a very good dancer Zach,” he promised, "keep it up yeah?"</p>
<p>Zach nodded seriously, still clutching at Jake’s arm, the one that wasn’t in the cast.</p>
<p>“Go on then,” David said gently.</p>
<p>Zach reluctantly dragged himself away from Jake.</p>
<p>David frowned after him, reminding himself that not all parents were as attentive as they were. It didn't mean they were necessarily horrible.</p>
<p>“Zach’s daddy doesn't like him dancing. Miss Lilly had to ask him very many times to let him be in the show,” Jamilah told them, seeming to understand why they were both frowning.</p>
<p>David sighed. He never understood that, why discourage your child from something they enjoyed? What was wrong with dancing? Why couldn’t Zach do it? He presumed his dad thought it was for girls. Which was bullshit. They wouldn’t stop any of them doing what they enjoyed. If Jake wanted to dance they wouldn’t discourage him from it just because he was a boy. The only reason he didn’t do it with Jamilah was because he was a little clumsy and got frustrated with the steps. He was a little too young really, which was why it was impressive that Zach was so good.</p>
<p>“Oh dear,” Matteo said sadly.</p>
<p>“Zach loves dancing,” Jake whispered.</p>
<p>“Yeah? Is Zach your friend?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“Yes he is, he wants to be a ballerina,” Jake told them.</p>
<p>“That's hard,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“He’s very good,” Jamilah said, as he helped her then Jake down from the stage. They walked back to the family and he could see Matteo looking around for Zach. They’d already gone. That was so sad. </p>
<p>“He gets nervous and scared that's why he fell but Miss Lilly says he’s a natural,” Jamilah told them.</p>
<p>“Are you not a natural?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Too stompy!” Matteo teased.</p>
<p>“Hey!”</p>
<p>“You were so good Jamilah,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Jake because Zach gets nervous maybe you could encourage him, tell him how good he is at dancing, you’re a good friend,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I will,” Jake said, nodding seriously, then he ran off to Alex.</p>
<p>David smiled at his husband.</p>
<p>“Do you want to come see everyone? Get all the praise you deserve?” he asked Jamilah.</p>
<p>“Yes please,” she said, letting him lead her over to the parents.</p>
<p>As soon as she got to where they were sitting she jumped on Sophie’s lap.</p>
<p>“Nana! Did you see me, wasn’t I good?” she demanded.</p>
<p>David just grinned at how quickly all those nerves had gone and she was back to confident.</p>
<p>“You really were,” Sophie said.</p>
<p>David noticed his mother watching her, she’d gotten up when he approached and was standing beside him.</p>
<p>“Just go over and tell her what you thought,” he told her.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to interrupt David,” she said.</p>
<p>“C’mon mum, just go over,” David insisted.</p>
<p>She was such a stubborn woman, when she didn’t move he took her hand and led her over to sit with Sophie. Jamilah immediately turned to her.</p>
<p>“Grandma thank you so much for my hair! Did you think I was good? Nana grandma is a dancer, a proper one. So she is… a… what’s the word?”</p>
<p>“Professional?” Sophie said.</p>
<p>“Yeah professional,” Jamilah agreed.</p>
<p>“I thought you did wonderfully Jamilah,” his mum said.</p>
<p>“Yay!” </p>
<p>David smiled and left them talking, Sophie seemed to sense his mum wasn’t going to say much so she kept encouraging her into the conversation.</p>
<p>He turned to Matteo.</p>
<p>“See I was well behaved,” he said.</p>
<p>“Only because you were up on the stage,” Matteo countered.</p>
<p>“You have no faith in me?”</p>
<p>“None,” Matteo said, kissing his cheek.</p>
<p>Alex came up to them, holding Jake’s hand. All the camera stuff bagged away and the camera around her neck. She snapped a picture of Jamilah with her grandparents then turned to them. “I got loads, that was really fun, Jamilah is so good. I got loads of the other kids too? To be fair you know? Can we send it to the school?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Yes they usually ask for David’s pictures for the website,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“And why is that?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Because you’re the bossiest?”</p>
<p>Matteo squealed when David launched himself at him.</p>
<p>Alex just rolled her eyes. “You two are so embarrassing, you are aware we’re in public?”</p>
<p>“So?”</p>
<p>“You’re behaving like children,” she said, she knelt down and pushed Jake to go to his grandparents, his dad picked him up as soon as he got close enough.</p>
<p>“Well we’re in the right place then,” Matteo quipped.</p>
<p>Alex scowled as she straightened up but she was trying not to laugh at that.</p>
<p>She just huffed and went to go sit with his mum.</p>
<p>“That was fun though,” Matteo said, leaning against him.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“I love doing all this stuff… and I…”</p>
<p>He just trailed off and sighed, David wrapped an arm around him.</p>
<p>“What?” he asked gently.</p>
<p>“I know my dad was busy a lot with work but I used to sing in the choir and that was on Sundays and I just… I would wake up at the crack of dawn to go watch Jam play football, I don’t know why he made it out to be such a chore,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>David pulled him closer “I don’t think it meant he didn’t love you… he just wasn’t any good at being a dad, he was hands-off I guess. Look when Jamilah first started dancing she was terrible-”</p>
<p>“Hey!” she yelled.</p>
<p>“You were so stompy,” Jake said, laughing.</p>
<p>“You weren't here,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Yeah, but daddy said,” Jake told her.</p>
<p>“Daddy!” </p>
<p>“Well Jamilah darling you are truly graceful now,” his mum said.</p>
<p>“Thank you grandma,” she said, sticking her tongue out at David then reaching out for a hug, carefully his mum pulled her into her lap.</p>
<p>“Ok but my point is… Jamilah was not brilliant when she started and you still went to see her because she’s your daughter and she needed the support. And that encouraged her to get better. It doesn't matter that it’s boring or you don’t care about dance you do that because your her papa and she needs you, maybe your dad just didn’t realise.”</p>
<p>“It was a problem in general Matteo it wasn’t just your dad,” Sophie said, “I can remember coming to your school plays and it was mostly only the mums,” she said.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah,” Matteo said quietly. </p>
<p>“Really? That’s sad, mum and dad always used to come to my football games when I was little,” David remembered.</p>
<p>“I did, they were great and you were very violent for a seven-year-old,” his dad said.</p>
<p>His mum obviously didn’t approve, not the football but the violence. He did used to push and shove the other boys a lot, had to remind them he was just as tough as they were.</p>
<p>“But what I’m saying is hands-off fathering is a problem, it’s how your father was raised and he didn't learn his lesson, you did,” Sophie assured them.</p>
<p>“Yeah we did good,” Matteo said, turning in his arms.</p>
<p>“We did,” David agreed.</p>
<p>He looked over at Jamilah smiling and happy with her grandparents. How could they not encourage her or any of them? It didn’t take much to show any enthusiasm, it wasn’t fake, if the kids were excited by something it was wonderful to hear them go on about it. </p>
<p>David may not know much about Kittybots, the new toy Jamilah was after but he loved listening to her reasoning. And she could go on for hours. Apparently, she would be happy with a robotic cat until they could get her a dog. It would be called Robo-parsley. She would train said robot and prove that she was capable of taking care of a real animal. So far he’d told her he’d think about it. </p>
<p>He wasn’t paranoid of technology like Matteo said, he was just a bit suspicious about the idea. But he still encouraged her, asked her questions, never told her to shut up. He didn’t think he’d ever told any of them to shut up. He’d had to hush them occasionally, like when Matteo was struggling or they were getting a bit too excited with each other. But there was a way of doing it without discouraging them from getting loud again. He loved them being loud. Always would.</p>
<p>The next day David was blowing off work. Again. Couldn’t help it. Despite his lack of focus they really were making great progress. He’d have a first cut soon. His editors were great, even though he didn’t approve of it when Matteo said that his job right now was to boss them about. Although it was kind of true, they were so good it didn’t take much. The other half of it was going back and forth with Francis and the other producers sharing what they had so far. That was terrible. What should’ve been serious meetings always ended up with the lot of them chatting for ages about various topics. </p>
<p>The problem was it was David’s job to rein them in. It meant by the time they got started it was late into the night and they had to stay up for ages once they got to the serious discussion. It was making his husband very grumpy and him very tired. It was why he was in the living room half asleep. He was supposed to be napping but he missed everyone so had come back down.</p>
<p>Jamilah was practising for her maths, she was doing it with Matteo. She was on the floor, laying on her front scribbling away and calling out questions to Matteo who was laying on the sofa his feet in David’s lap. Matty was sitting on his stomach chattering away and playing with Matteo. When he wasn’t answering Jamilah he was talking in Italian trying to get Matty to pick it up. David was tempted to put a stop to it just because he knew they would only use it for teasing him. He’d learnt a little anyway, they wouldn’t get away with it.</p>
<p>He looked over at Jake sitting in Alex’s lap, his arm in its yellow cast stretched out in front of him. Alex had a marker and was drawing all over it, her other arm wrapped around Jake’s waist holding him still.</p>
<p>“Jake?” Matteo asked, turning toward them slightly.</p>
<p>“Yes papa?” Jake asked, looking up at him.</p>
<p>“Does your arm hurt a bit? Holding it out like that?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah a bit,” Jake said. David noticed the slight tremble in his arm.</p>
<p>Alex nodded and laid Jake down so he could rest his arm on his tummy instead, then laid down beside him and continued to draw.</p>
<p>“My arm hurts too daddy,” Jamilah said, not wanting to be left out.</p>
<p>“Does it really?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Yes so I need to keep the bandage,” she insisted.</p>
<p>They hadn’t gotten one at the hospital and had hoped she would forget it. She hadn’t forgotten, the very next day she’d demanded the bandage she’d been promised. Matteo had grabbed one from their first aid kit and dressed it up. It had been on a few days and it was getting very grotty. She’d obviously heard him and Matteo talking earlier that morning about getting rid of it.</p>
<p>“Will you let me take it off and put a clean one on tomorrow?” he asked her.</p>
<p>“Ok yes that's fine,” she said.</p>
<p>“How’s the maths?” David asked her.</p>
<p>“Papa’s not being very helpful,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>David glanced over at him and smiled, Matteo had fallen asleep. His grip on Matty was loosening. David reached over and lifted him free before he escaped. He set him down on the floor and he immediately toddled over to Jamillah and grabbed her papers.</p>
<p>“Matty no!” she exclaimed, snatching them back. Matty fell down on his bum and started to wail.</p>
<p>Matteo sat up groggily but David pushed him back down.</p>
<p>“Sorry, Matty, sorry,” Jamilah said, hugging him tight and stopping his tears. She tore some paper from her notepad and handed it to him. Matty tore it up and started laughing at the little pieces.</p>
<p>“Go back to sleep love,” David said to Matteo whose eyes were already drifting shut. David just ran his finger along his legs.</p>
<p>Jamilah came up to him.</p>
<p>“Do you know maths?” she asked.</p>
<p>“No I don’t, never heard of it,” David joked.</p>
<p>Alex laughed and Jamilah huffed.</p>
<p>“I know some maths,” he admitted.</p>
<p>“Hm.” </p>
<p>Why was she so suspicious? How dare she be so rude?</p>
<p>“I know more than you, I know high school maths,” he said.</p>
<p>“And when was that?” she asked, the little madam.</p>
<p>“Funny,” David said dryly.</p>
<p>“Can you check them please?” she asked sweetly, handing him the papers.</p>
<p>David warily took the sheet from her and grinned as he read it through. It was only basic algebra he could manage that. He scanned through it and then again. It was basic but she was only little, yet she’d got almost every question correct. Just one wrong and it wasn’t her algebra that was wrong she’d just rushed the addition.</p>
<p>“Ok this one is wrong,” he said, “you’re really close though, your x and y is right just check your addition for the total. I’m not going to correct it for you. See here?”</p>
<p>She nodded.</p>
<p>“Try again,” he said.</p>
<p>She took the sheet of paper back and frowned at it.</p>
<p>“Is it twenty-one?” she asked, not even writing anything. She’d done it quicker than him.</p>
<p>“Ok wow, are you doing this in your head now?”</p>
<p>“Papa taught me how, I showed Mrs Green and she said it was weird,” Jamilah told him.</p>
<p>“She did?”</p>
<p>“No she said unusual, said that papa breaks numbers down in a very strange way but actually it does make sense and it does make it easier,” she said.</p>
<p>“He’s logical is your papa,” David said.</p>
<p>“Yeah it’s cool but sometimes I go too fast and I miss the numbers,” she said.</p>
<p>David bopped her on the nose. “You get too excited over numbers darling,” he said.</p>
<p>“Er… David? Matteo?”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Is he asleep?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you want both of us?”</p>
<p>“Er… yes please,” Alex said, sitting up and pulling Jake back into her lap.</p>
<p>“Teo wake up,” David said gently, reaching out to him and running a hand through his hair.</p>
<p>He blinked awake slowly. “What happened?” he asked. </p>
<p>“Alex wants us,” David told him.</p>
<p>“I… could I show you something in my room?”</p>
<p>“Ok now?” Matteo asked, yawning and sitting up slowly.</p>
<p>“When you manage to wake up,” Alex teased.</p>
<p>“Give him a few minutes,” David said.</p>
<p>“Did I fall asleep?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>He was so out of it.</p>
<p>“Yes papa,” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“What am I supposed to be doing?”</p>
<p>“Maths but you fell asleep! Daddy had to check my work!” she said, handing the sheet to him.</p>
<p>David scowled as she got him to recheck the work. Matteo yawned again. </p>
<p>“Maths makes me tired, I’m sorry Jammy,” he said, reaching out and tugging her hair gently. She smiled at him.</p>
<p>“That’s ok did I get them all right?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Jammy I already checked them,” David complained.</p>
<p>“They are all right, clever girl,” Matteo confirmed, blowing a kiss to David.</p>
<p>“Alex wants to show us something,” David reminded him.</p>
<p>Matteo yawned one more time and turned to her. “Ok let’s see,” he said, giving her his full attention.</p>
<p>“It’s in my room,” she clarified.</p>
<p>“Stop laughing at me,” Matteo mumbled when David cracked up at his grogginess.</p>
<p>“You’re so slow when you’ve just woke up,” David said.</p>
<p>“You’re all so mean to me when I’ve just woken up,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Except me papa,” Jake said, the absolute goody-two-shoes that he was. He ran up to Matteo and tried to help him up off the sofa. Matteo grinned and stood up, picking Jake up.</p>
<p>“Except Jakey,” he agreed.</p>
<p>David rolled his eyes, stood up and pushed a still grumbling Matteo to the door.</p>
<p>“You do sleep a lot,” Alex said as she led them upstairs.</p>
<p>“Ok, you’re on the list,” Matteo warned.</p>
<p>“What list?” Alex demanded.</p>
<p>“People who are mean to me,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“No Matteo you can’t put me on any such list just for making an observation,” she argued.</p>
<p>“Oh she’s got you,” David said.</p>
<p>“And you are at the top of said list,” Matteo said, “you wanted to show us something,” he said before David could argue.</p>
<p>David just snuck a kiss and then they all waited outside Alex’s room. She hesitated.</p>
<p>“Ok?”</p>
<p>“Before we go in, I er… I painted the wall,” Alex admitted.</p>
<p>David just shrugged but Matteo started shaking his head.</p>
<p>“What when? Alex no!”</p>
<p>“I… sorry,” she whispered nervously.</p>
<p>“Where did you get the paint? Was it safe? Did you make sure you opened the window? Those fumes can be really dangerous… you really shouldn’t sleep in here if there are paint fumes and-”</p>
<p>Alex grinned now, just smiling fondly at Matteo.</p>
<p>“No hold on not wall paint, I just painted some words on the wall with acrylics,” she clarified.</p>
<p>Matteo relaxed immediately, looking a little sheepish at his overreaction.</p>
<p>“Oh,” he mumbled.</p>
<p>“No fumes,” David said, while all the kids grinned at Matteo, knowing exactly what he was like.</p>
<p>“Oh ok then no worries,” Matteo said, rubbing the back of his neck.</p>
<p>“You are a worrier,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Years of anxiety kiddo,” Matteo said, thumping her on the arm.</p>
<p>“At least you can joke about it though,” David said.</p>
<p>“Ok so I’ve been working on this since the weekend,” Alex said.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>She opened the door and let them in, they all followed her into the room and stopped. The past few days she had started shutting her door again at night. David had hoped it was because she felt safe but apparently it was to work on this secret project. That was fine, he knew Alex would start leaving the door open again and as long as it helped they didn’t mind.</p>
<p>“Oh Alex wow,” David said.</p>
<p>She’d strung up the lights David had dug out. They hadn’t been in the attic they’d been boxed up and put aside in the garage. David didn’t think they’d ever bothered putting their old car in the garage, it had been years old by the time they’d moved in. They’d probably have to put the new one in in the winter. So he’d gone in and tidied it up in anticipation of the new car and found them shoved away on a shelf. They shoved so much stuff in that garage. Matteo said it was messy because he was in charge of it. Which was bullshit, no one was in charge of the garage. </p>
<p>Alex had been very excited when he’d handed them over and now that he saw what she’d been planning he could see why. </p>
<p>She’d hung them up over her bed and then pegged up dozens of photos. Her mum, the kids, him and Matteo, all of them together, Nida, another friend of theirs Erik. David recognised him from when he’d picked Alex and Nida up from his house the other day. There were just so many photos of all the people in her life who loved her, who had loved her. It was beautiful. She switched the lights on and lit up the wall. A perfect night light for her.</p>
<p>On the walls she’d painted in beautiful calligraphy;</p>
<p>
  <em>this is my home, not the bricks and walls but these people, my family, they took me in, saw through the walls I'd put up, they took me in, they cared, they loved me and helped me find home</em>
</p>
<p>David just wiped his eyes. Beside him Matteo was shaking with it, David just pulled him close, holding him tight while he sniffled in his arms.</p>
<p>“Wowie Alex, can we climb up?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>Alex helped them up onto the bed then climbed up beside them, Matty in her arms.</p>
<p>“Oh these are us,” Jake said.</p>
<p>“Can we get closer?” </p>
<p>“Yeah course,” Alex said, pushing her closer with a hand on her back.</p>
<p>“I love these,” David said, he climbed up beside Alex to take a closer look. Matteo climbed up onto the other end of the bed and the twins ran down the bed screaming and jumping on top of him. David turned to Alex and grinned and then they joined the twins, jumping on top of Matteo.</p>
<p>“If you all break my bed,” Alex warned.</p>
<p>It was creaking an awful lot.</p>
<p>“You need a grown-up bed anyway, this is Jake’s old one,” David said. </p>
<p>It was fine, big enough for her but if she wanted something bigger there was room for it.</p>
<p>“I love what you've done with the room Alex,” Matteo said, slightly muffled under the weight of all of them but he’d never complain.</p>
<p>David would have to pull them all off before his husband suffocated. “Yeah it’s really you,” he agreed.</p>
<p>“This really is my home,” Alex said, just smiling so happily.</p>
<p>“It is, it absolutely is,” David said.</p>
<p>“And I’m excited,” she said.</p>
<p>“About the future?” Matteo asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s going to be so good… I never thought… I knew I’d be fine but I get to be more than fine,” she said.</p>
<p>She absolutely would be more than fine, she got to live a wonderful happy life, and they would get to see it. David couldn’t wait.</p>
<p>“You’re excited about the robots too?” Jamilah asked.</p>
<p>“Yes Jammy, I’m very excited about the robots,” Alex said. </p>
<p>She knew Jamilah was becoming obsessed with robots, knew to just humour her on this. She’d found out the automation in the car was robotic and now she wanted her own. She’d written several short stories with David about the future she envisioned with the robots. All upbeat, happy tales about all the robots having adventures in space.</p>
<p>“Me too!” Jamilah said.</p>
<p>“Alex!” Matty squealed.</p>
<p>Alex sat up and scooped him up, cuddling him close while he giggled.</p>
<p>She crawled back up to the wall to show him the pictures, letting him carefully reach out and touch the lights. The twins ran back up to the end of the bed to join them. David just lay down with Matteo, settling on his chest and smiling, listening to the kids chattering away about the various photos. </p>
<p>A few days later, David didn’t know why Matteo was complaining so much, why he was so uncomfortable. He looked amazing, so dashing dressed in his dark grey suit, pressed shirt, tie, the works. He looked so handsome dressed up smart like that and yet he wouldn’t stop fidgeting pulling at his tie like it was choking him. David loved the tie, kept using it to pull Matteo around.</p>
<p>Matteo did not like the tie, did not like the suit, did not like getting dressed up. He always did it begrudgingly but it was the same at every event they went to, he would grumble and whine the entire time. But he did, dressed up in the most uncomfortable clothes just to support him. Except they weren’t uncomfortable, it was all specially tailored, made of softer, lighter fabric than his own suit just so Matteo would be more comfortable but dressing up just wasn’t for him. He only did it to make David get all flustered while he paraded around, showing off a little. David couldn’t blame him, he was worth showing off. </p>
<p>He watched him tug at his tie one more time then sighed, he reached out and pushed Matteo’s jacket off his shoulders, then loosened his tie for him.</p>
<p>“Better?” he said, hanging the jacket on the back of Matteo’s chair. He grabbed the tie and pulled him a little closer, gripping his waist when he stumbled.</p>
<p>“A bit,” Matteo mumbled, smiling and stepping even closer, pressing a kiss to his cheek.</p>
<p>“You look so good in a suit Matteo,” David said quietly, waiting for the soft blush to adorn Matteo’s cheeks. He ran a gentle thumb over the warm skin.</p>
<p>“So do you,” he said.</p>
<p>That was probably the only way to get Matteo dressed up, the promise that he would also dress up. Unlike Matteo, David loved wearing a suit. He loved looking sharp or as his mother had told him earlier, dashing. She’d said that when he’d picked her up earlier and when he’d helped her out of the car she’d taken his arm and walked in beside him, complimenting him on the fit, the style of it. She’d been a little wobbly, a little nervous to be out but she was ok, happy to be there, sitting with his father and Sophie. </p>
<p>The kids were with Laura, even Jamilah although she’d argued and argued against being left behind. But it was already after eight and the award ceremony hadn’t even started yet. She was sleepy when they left, if she wasn’t asleep yet she would be soon. She’d had a lot of late nights recently and as much as she promised to behave she would get cranky very quickly the later the hour. And they couldn’t just put her to bed like they had done at his parents’ house. So it was best they left her behind. They didn’t enjoy doing it but she hadn’t cried or kicked off just insisted that she absolutely must be allowed to come see Alex’s pictures because she was the only one who truly appreciated them. And they’d had to swear to kick off if Alex didn’t win, the words ‘smash the judges’ were used with violent gestures to go with them.</p>
<p>They had promised to come back with all of them at the weekend to see Alex’s pictures, they knew she was in the show and had at least made the top ten so her photos would still be up then. She’d been appeased. Plus she always loved hanging out at Laura’s, she would be fine. </p>
<p>Matteo had told her to call if Jake woke up scared. He would go straight over if he did and Alex would understand if he had to step out. So far there’d been no calls and Laura texted him saying that the boys were asleep, Jamilah well on her way to joining them.</p>
<p>It did mean they would be picking up three very sleepy monsters from Laura’s on the way home. And after taking his parents home first. It was definitely going to be a late one, nevermind Jamilah being cranky he was probably going to have one cranky husband on his hands, far worse to deal with than his daughter. </p>
<p>“You just look so handsome Matteo,” David said, causing him to grin and pull David closer for a kiss.</p>
<p>“Will you stop?” Alex huffed, “you are aware we are in public?” she reminded him, sounding as long-suffering as Jamilah. She meant nothing by it other than typical teenage embarrassment at her parents daring to show affection for each other.</p>
<p>“I’m only stating the facts Alex,” David said proudly.</p>
<p>“Well you can keep the facts to yourself,” she suggested.</p>
<p>She grinned though. She’d gone for the purple suit in the end, it was very smart, suited her nicely. It was a bit brighter than what she usually wore but then she’d started branching out into more colourful attire. Had gotten some nice printed shirts to start with, then some bright red boots to match her black ones. Right now she looked very smart and she held herself with more confidence than when she dressed in all the black. It was because she wasn’t trying to hide anymore. </p>
<p>Jake had absolutely loved it, both the colour and the style. He had followed her around the house, kept touching it excitedly. Alex didn’t seem to mind at all, had been amused more than anything just kept picking him up and spinning him round until he laughed.</p>
<p>He’d looked at all of them dressed up and asked for a fancy suit too. David had promised to look into it but Matteo had dug out the little church clothes that he sometimes wore. They were a little on the small side but Jake had forced himself into them and was delighted by the outcome. Tiny little waistcoat and everything he looked adorable. Refused to take it off, demanded to wear it to Laura’s. At least he was in clothes, it was the first time he’d been eager to wear anything, apart from his dinosaur onesie. </p>
<p>“Holy shit,” Alex whispered as Nida approached them in a dark red suit. They were matching in a complementary way. She rushed up to them and Alex reached out and grabbed her.</p>
<p>“I snuck out,” Nida said excitedly.</p>
<p>“Nida,” Matteo warned.</p>
<p>“I had to see the show, it’s not fair,” Nida insisted.</p>
<p>Matteo smiled sadly at her. “It’s not… are you…”</p>
<p>“They’ll just go mad, yell at me, I don’t care,” Nida said.</p>
<p>“We’ll take you home afterwards, do you want me to talk to them?” Matteo suggested.</p>
<p>David didn’t think there was all that much they could do in this situation but they would help if they could. Anything they could do to get her out of there and they would.</p>
<p>“Won’t help,” Nida said with a shrug.</p>
<p>“I could explain it’s a school event,” David suggested.</p>
<p>“Tried that,” Nida said.</p>
<p>Matteo sighed and pinched his nose, he was going to get stressed.</p>
<p>“How old are you Nida?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Four months left,” she said.</p>
<p>“Then what?” David asked, he reckoned she had a plan, seemed too positive about her situation to not have an escape plotted out.</p>
<p>“I’m gone,” she said.</p>
<p>“Where to?” Matteo asked alarmed, seemingly ready to take her in. David had no problem with that but suspected she may already have somewhere to go, someone to take her in.</p>
<p>“For now to my brother’s he lives in the city but I know if I left before I was eighteen they’d call the police. He had to get out of there, they were much worse with him, I don’t begrudge him leaving,” Nida explained.</p>
<p>“He ok?” David asked.</p>
<p>“He’s fantastic, he’s ready for me, I have to see him in secret at the moment. He has to meet me near school, I can’t wait till I live with him,” she said.</p>
<p>“Then I’m glad you have him,” David said, taking Matteo’s hand. He was still frowning, worried but really if she could hold on this was the best outcome. She was strong Nida, happy, if they kept an eye on her for the next few months, if they had her over as much as possible she would be ok. </p>
<p>“Thanks,” Nida said, smiling warmly and patting Matteo’s arm. “Shall we go sit?”</p>
<p>David nodded and led Matteo back to the seats. They went to sit down by the parents, his mum and Sophie were chatting away quietly but looked up and smiled when they joined them.</p>
<p>“This is very nice… very… encouraging, was there stuff like this when you were kids?” his mum asked as he sat down beside her, Matteo on his other side, the girls beside him.</p>
<p>His dad smiled warmly at him and turned back to Sophie when she said something. It was nice, the three of them getting on. He’d like for his father to meet Matteo’s, thought they might get on. If anyone could get his father chatting it was Berto.</p>
<p>“There was,” David said to her.</p>
<p>“I… you never entered?”</p>
<p>“I was too scared,” he admitted.</p>
<p>He’d never dared, he wanted to, desperately but he couldn't bear the attention it would bring, everyone looking at him, judging him. The other kids, they teased him relentlessly, bullied him, entering a competition like that would’ve just made it worse. He might’ve done it, if he’d had more support, Laura tried her best but she was just one person, he’d needed them, needed their encouragement. Instead, all he’d gotten from them was shame and embarrassment. They’d taught him to be invisible, taught him to stay quiet, that people like him didn’t deserve positive attention, that he had to stay in the shadows.</p>
<p>“Because of me?” she asked quietly.</p>
<p>“It didn’t help,” David admitted.</p>
<p>“I am sorry,” she said.</p>
<p>“It’s ok,” he assured her, she’d been apologising too much lately and he was going to put a stop to that. “I’ve won loads of awards since,” he said.</p>
<p>“You have,” she agreed.</p>
<p>“Mum?” he said quietly.</p>
<p>Matteo squeezed his hand. He forgave her, he did, but there was one more thing weighing on him. One more thing he needed to know and they could move on.</p>
<p>“I want to try more but can I ask you something?”</p>
<p>“Of course,” she said.</p>
<p>“Are you embarrassed by my work?”</p>
<p>She looked shocked at that, actually gasped and shook her head.</p>
<p>“What? No of course not,” she said.</p>
<p>But what was he supposed to think? Even now she never showed an interest, never wanted to talk about his movies. Would talk about how proud she was of him but she’d only ever sat down with him once to watch one.</p>
<p>“It’s just... you never talk to me about it and you never tell your friends what they’re about and…”</p>
<p>“Well, I mean… I can’t,” she said quietly.</p>
<p>He knew her friends were similar to her, quite conservative, he didn’t want her to lose them and be alone but he didn’t get how she could be proud of him and never talk about him.</p>
<p>“How do you mean?” he asked.</p>
<p>She sighed but his dad patted her knee in encouragement. </p>
<p>“It’s just every film you’ve made David, you always have these wonderful characters, trans characters, gay characters and they’re either finding love and acceptance or being accepted right away, finding families if theirs aren’t good. And it hurts because you have the bad guys too, the bad parents and the bad friends, they’re often the villains of your stories and well that’s me isn’t it?” she said.</p>
<p>David thought she might cry and he felt terrible because that was never what he was trying to do. Or in a way it was to shame those people who turned away their children. But it didn’t apply to her anymore.</p>
<p>“Oh mum no… that was never…”</p>
<p>“It just hurts how badly I let you down, all of them every movie is so good but it hurts to watch them and how can I even begin to talk about them? If I told my friends what you made they would say things like oh you must be so proud and I am I promise but how can I ever claim that? Act like I didn’t deny you this fundamental aspect of yourself?” she asked him.</p>
<p>“Oh mum,” he whispered.</p>
<p>This was hardly the place for such deep conversation but it was a conversation that needed to be had. She got it now, she’d gotten for a while now and he knew it. </p>
<p>“I am so sorry David,” she said.</p>
<p>“I know mum ok? I know and I forgive you, you can be proud, you can show me off, you do get to do that. And you weren’t horrible or a failure of a parent. It was one thing, a big thing but apart from that you were good, sure you were reserved and a bit too strict but you were good to me. You raised me to speak up for myself and even though it caused us to clash and fight a lot I learnt it from you. You made some serious mistakes and you apologised for them and I know you love me, you still get to be proud,” he said.</p>
<p>They’d let him down terribly both of them, by treating him the way they did, by trying to stop him transitioning they’d hurt him and done serious harm. But they understood that. And they were sorry and it had been a long time. He’d come out to them at twelve, it had taken until he was twenty-three for them to start accepting him. Thirteen years now they’d seen him correctly, that was longer than they’d seen him wrong if you didn’t count the time he didn’t truly understand it himself. That was long enough to heal, for him.</p>
<p>“I am so proud David,” she whispered.</p>
<p>“Good... let’s just... going forward I don’t want you being hesitant around me ok? I’m not mad at you. And… I know I haven’t been enthusiastic and I think a lot of it is teasing but for the longest time, the only way I could communicate with you was through arguments and us winding each other up. I’ve held onto it and I’ve lost sight of the fact I don’t need to do that anymore. Because you’re listening and you’re trying to heal all that hostility and I’ve hurt you so I am sorry for that,” he said.</p>
<p>“Thank you David, I forgive you,” she said. </p>
<p>“Thanks mum,” David said.</p>
<p>“I am so glad you are my son, I love you so much,” she said quietly, taking his hand and holding it tight.</p>
<p>“It’s starting,” Matteo whispered as the lights dimmed. David leant across him to Alex.</p>
<p>“Nervous?” he asked.</p>
<p>“No. It doesn’t matter, I won’t win,” she said with a shrug as the man stepped up to the podium to begin the announcements.</p>
<p>She didn’t win but she came second and burst into tears the second her name was called. Just sat there shaking in shock, in such disbelief that she’d even made the top three. Matteo had to drag her out of her seat and push her towards the front of the room because she was so shaken with it. </p>
<p>Both of them followed her and stood to the side so that she knew they were there, close by in case it got overwhelming. They clapped for what felt like forever while Alex shook hands with the judges and accepted her prize. She’d told him all the prizes in the car. Second place was money, some camera he hadn't even heard of and her photos got to stay in the gallery for everyone to see. Plus she got to go into school and lord it over Waters, that was better than any prize.</p>
<p>“Wow,” Matteo said, as they continued to stand off to the side, watching Alex.</p>
<p>“That’s really good Matteo, you know? That’s the first competition she’s done, that’s really good,” David told him.</p>
<p>Matteo nodded, he’d had such complete faith in her, told anyone who’d listen just how good her photos were. And it was the truth and he had every right to be proud, they both did. They got to be proud of her, got to continue encouraging her to enter more competitions, win more prizes, have her art displayed for the world to see.</p>
<p>“It is,” he said.</p>
<p>“And they’ll display her pictures here for a month we can come back and see them, bring Laura, Beth and the kids, we could bring all our friends too,” David said.</p>
<p>“Yeah we’ve got ages, we can come back lots,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>Alex came running back over. David reached out and grabbed her when she almost tripped in excitement. He was always aware when he grabbed for her, she didn’t flinch as often, trusted him but he was aware of it. Would always wait for a nod, unless she was about to face plant on the floor like she’d almost done just then. But she almost always nodded now, since Jake had broken his arm and they’d had it out, made it clear that apart from her age they saw her no differently from the other kids. They saw her as a child, their child and they would never harm her. </p>
<p>Just the fact that every time they waited for the ok reinforced that fact and it allowed her to consent, to have control. It was never about not wanting hugs it was about having control. They allowed her that and she revelled in it, hugged them often.</p>
<p>She got to show them all the affection she’d been holding onto all these years, finally around people who would reciprocate it in kind, encourage it.</p>
<p>“David,” she said excitedly, so young and happy, bouncing with it.</p>
<p>Since coming to them nearly a month ago now it was like she'd gotten five, even ten years younger than how she used to behave. Back to a typical seventeen-year-old. She used to hold back, try her hardest to behave like the adult that she wasn’t because that was the only way she could take back some of the control. She used to be angry, come across as cold and furious because it was the only way she could keep herself safe. She didn’t need to do that anymore. She was seventeen and she could behave as such. </p>
<p>He remembered being seventeen and thinking he was an adult, that he was fine with that but he absolutely wasn’t. He knew his mind, knew his truth but that didn’t mean he was ready for adulthood. </p>
<p>Looking back now it seemed crazy that he’d had to do that. He knew Alex wasn’t ready yet, couldn’t imagine Jamilah even ten years from now being ready to go it alone without support. They were raising their kids to be independent in some ways, to know their choices were always important and valid, that their thoughts would always be listened to and respected. But at the same time, they expected them to be completely dependent on them. Because they were children and the world was hard, he and Matteo were strong enough to face that on their behalf until they were ready. </p>
<p>Alex got to be part of that too and she knew it. It had changed her so completely in the way she behaved. She was young and immature like she’d never gotten to be before. Maybe she was too close to eighteen but she’d missed out, who was it harming? They would let her have fun, take back all that childishness she’d lost and run with it. It wasn't too late at all. With them taking over the heavy stuff she had time to explore it, learn who she wanted to be. </p>
<p>Still, he needed her to slow down if she was to get her words out.</p>
<p>“Deep breath,” he said, grinning at her, taking her hands while she bounced in front of him.</p>
<p>“Yeah ok yeah. I… er… I was just speaking to that guy and he runs a course to kind of get ready for school, you know uni?”</p>
<p>David nodded.</p>
<p>“Ok yeah I got you,” he said.</p>
<p>“And he says what I do there and these photos could help me get a scholarship for a school. And I told him my idea, the one I’m going to do about all the homes I’ve lived, the one you’re going to help with?” </p>
<p>“He liked it?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she said, eyes wide with excitement.</p>
<p>Besides him Matteo was just grinning with happiness, just staring at her, so delighted in her excitement. David felt the same but he had to focus because she was asking him something.</p>
<p>“And I said I would be going to Madrid and he wrote down a list of places to photograph. I’m so excited, if you could come with me? Or you Matteo? Because I’ve never been anywhere before, it’s a bit scary.”</p>
<p>Matteo nodded. “It better be me, David’s Spanish is appalling,” he teased.</p>
<p>David didn’t even comment just gave him a pointed look while him and Alex giggled at him.</p>
<p>“So you’re going to do this course?” he asked instead.</p>
<p>“Yeah I… I want to it’s just…”</p>
<p>“Shall we go speak to the guy?”</p>
<p>She was still nervous of strangers, other adults. But she trusted David and wanted him to check it all out. Which he would always do as long as she needed. He wasn’t going to be an overbearing dad, wanted his children to make their own decisions but with the support and advice they needed from him.  </p>
<p>She nodded and David let her lead him over to the guy.</p>
<p>“Hi, I’m David-”</p>
<p>“Schreibner-Florenzi yes!” He was very excited to meet him, David blushed slightly but kept his composure. “Alex already told me and I love your work, big fan!” He thrust his hand into David’s and shook it eagerly. “Oh and I’m Felix, Felix Scott.”</p>
<p>“Nice to meet you and thanks,” David said, a little shyly like he always got when people were excited to meet him. </p>
<p>“David is looking after me… he’s er… he’s kinda like my dad and I just wanted you to tell him about this course,” she said, ducking her head. </p>
<p>Other than throwing an arm around her shoulders, David didn’t draw attention to it, he let her try it out at her own pace. They’d told both Jake and Jamilah it was up to them how they called him back when they’d gotten them. Jamilah had taken a few months, for Jake it was immediate. Alex, he wasn’t sure of, it might never happen but she was in a strange in-between right now just learning what fit for her. </p>
<p>He’d noticed that she’d stopped saying ‘<em>your</em> dad’ now when she was talking with the kids. He didn’t mind how she called him, David or dad was fine whatever she was comfortable with. Even if that was loser, which was what she called him most often.</p>
<p>“No that’s fine, it’s accredited don’t worry, it’s at Southview School on Saturday afternoons and it’s sponsored by the university,” he said, pulling out his phone and showing him the website. </p>
<p>David read through it, he’d actually wanted to do something similar for film school back in the day but with all the moving about he’d never gotten the chance.</p>
<p>“So it’s a uni precursor?” he checked.</p>
<p>“Pretty much,” Felix confirmed.</p>
<p>It would be good, she’d get extra credits which she could take with her to Uni, it would help get her ready because unlike say Maths or English these sorts of things weren’t taught in schools. Yes, she had the photography club but not all schools did so this was a good thing to do to help get on the same level as peers going in for the more traditional subjects. It wasn’t a requirement but it would give her an advantage and it would be fun.</p>
<p>Alex looked at him excited but nervous. He knew why.</p>
<p>“Alex isn’t sure she wants to go to uni,” he told Felix. </p>
<p>He got what was happening here, she didn’t know how to navigate these sorts of conversations yet. Felix had been praising her work and she wanted to do the course but without committing to anything solid. She didn’t want to come across rude or ungrateful after Felix had complimented her work.</p>
<p>“No I do just… I don’t know,” she said quietly, sticking close to David who kept his arm around her shoulders.</p>
<p>Felix got it too, worked with teenagers, understood the worries they had at this age. “By taking this course you are not boxing yourself into a lifetime of photography,” he assured her. “Really what it is is a taster for you to get a feel of things. It is not a commitment, if you want to go on to study photography it will help, it will also help you with any other course too.”</p>
<p>David felt her relaxing and smiled at her, she smiled back in relief.</p>
<p>“And if you want to take time out and explore it’s a good starter for you, I promise you’re not committing to anything,” Felix said.</p>
<p>“It’s just… my whole life everyone has always made my choices for me. I never got the chance I… I haven’t had time to plan anything because my only plan was to get out. I never got to daydream about the life I wanted because all I ever expected was a dead-end job and no hope. But I have that now and I’m so overwhelmed by it, even just little things like me and David going out and taking photos. I’ve never gotten to do that, have someone share my interests and I really do enjoy it but…”</p>
<p>“You’ve been working hard for a long time yeah? Working towards your escape?” Felix asked.</p>
<p>She nodded.</p>
<p>“You must be tired,” Felix said.</p>
<p>“I am, I am so tired,” she said.</p>
<p>“It sounds like you’re done with school for a while,” David said gently.</p>
<p>“I think so, I’d like to do the course but when I’m done with abi, I want a break,” she said.</p>
<p>Felix just smiled. “Good for you,” he said, he turned to David, “you’ve only just got her and she’s going off into the world,” he said.</p>
<p>It was devastating but at the same time so absolutely wonderful. He didn’t want her to leave, of course he didn’t but he knew she had to and was excited to be a part of it.</p>
<p>“I have your details Alex, may I send you the course info? Enrolment opens next week but you still have time to think about it,” Felix said.</p>
<p>“Yes please, I do want to come,” she said.</p>
<p>“Brilliant,” Felix said, he nodded then let them go.</p>
<p>David led them back to the family, not letting go of her.</p>
<p>“You ok?” Alex asked.</p>
<p>“Don’t want you to go,” he whined.</p>
<p>Alex just snuggled closer.</p>
<p>“I’m not even going anywhere, I’ve never been anywhere,” she reminded him.</p>
<p>“What’s the plan though?”</p>
<p>“Figuring it out but… I’ll see what Madrid is like when we go and see how comfortable I am with travelling,” she said.</p>
<p>“Smart,” David said.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Me and Matteo did hitchhiking, a few months between school and film school,” David told her, thinking back fondly to that summer. </p>
<p>It had been so much fun. He’d never spent a summer with anyone but Laura before, it had been so wonderful to travel, so nice to have friends to come back to and hang out with, parties to attend. But he and Matteo had spent every possible moment together, rarely apart, both of them grumpy when they were. </p>
<p>It hadn’t ever changed. No wonder LA had been such a struggle. It was like that moment in the pool cemented everything for them, clarified that Matteo was the person he wanted to spend all his time with doing everything and nothing, his was the company he would always seek.</p>
<p>“Will you stop for one minute?”</p>
<p>“What?” </p>
<p>“Getting all gross and sappy over your romantic travels with Matteo,” she said, “was it fun?”</p>
<p>“So much fun, I loved it,” David said, not daring to elaborate, knowing he would just get eye rolls in response. </p>
<p>“Can I go?”</p>
<p>“Hitchhiking? No, absolutely not,” David said.</p>
<p>It had seemed like a brilliant idea at the time but looking back it had been pretty dumb. It was fun, they’d been safe the entire time but they’d been a lot more independent than Alex was. Plus she didn’t need to hitchhike.</p>
<p>“Travelling,” she clarified.</p>
<p>“Yes we’ll help you, they still do the free interrail I think, if you did want to do Europe,” David suggested. She could take the train all over and they could help her with food and accommodation. She would have so much fun.</p>
<p>“I think so, I don’t think I’m ready to go further yet but I do want to, when I’m working I want to travel the world,” she told him quietly.</p>
<p>And he knew she would, she would see everything, capture it beautifully. Come back to them every time with new stories to tell them, photos to show them. He couldn’t wait. </p>
<p>“You will,” he promised her, “you’re going to travel the world and see so much and take such wonderful pictures and we’re going to be so proud of you.”</p>
<p>“Thanks David,” she said quietly.</p>
<p>He let her go over to Nida who was still bouncing with excitement. David just stepped into Matteo’s arms and sighed.</p>
<p>“She’s growing up,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“She is,” David admitted reluctantly.</p>
<p>“She’ll be ok,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“She’ll be fantastic,” David said, tilting his head for a kiss.</p>
<p>She would be fantastic, they all would and just because they would all leave one day didn't mean they didn’t get to still be a part of it. They would be a huge part of their lives, always.</p>
<p>Despite the late night, David was still up hours later. Working, because that was his life now. He’d driven his mum and dad home, even though his dad was still very reluctant to even get into the car after he heard what it could do. It had been enough of a fuss getting him there in the first place. His mum just told him to stop being silly and he did as he was told. </p>
<p>David was glad they’d talked. He didn’t think he’d handled anything too badly, he’d been justified in his anger back then and couldn’t ever take that back. </p>
<p>But he did understand how sorry they both were and he did forgive them, he just hadn’t realised how strained things really were. His teasing and complaining had felt affectionate to him but he realised it hadn't come across like that to them. They were very different to him and Matteo, had a completely different way of expressing their affection. He hadn’t picked up on it because it had been lacking for a long time but it was there in the way his father gave him his undivided attention when they talked. It was there in the way his mum just kept trying, in all her pain at the fear of rejection she kept on, made sure he knew she loved him, told him as often as possible. And he’d known all this time, there’d just been a bit of a breakdown in their communication.</p>
<p>Still, it was never too late, despite everything they’d been through he loved them both dearly, perhaps he shouldn’t, perhaps he shouldn’t have forgiven them but he wanted to. They were his parents and he loved them. They loved him too, it was so obvious. Yes, they were very different, had very different parenting styles but they weren’t horrible. And the times they had been they regretted so deeply it would probably pain them for the rest of their lives. But David still wanted to be part of that life. Didn’t like the idea of the two of them isolated like they had been getting, so afraid to misstep they dare not reach out to him for help. He didn’t want that, he wanted to care for them, regardless of whether or not they deserved it. Because they did deserve it. They weren’t evil, they’d been misguided sure but their greatest mistake had been not listening to him when he needed them to. </p>
<p>They listened to him now, understood him. They were going to be fine. They were good people, good grandparents and he was going to appreciate them more and show it too. They didn’t get the teasing and the joking and that was fine. He could be more direct about his love for them.</p>
<p>After he’d said goodnight to them, fussing and making sure they were safely back indoors, something his mum did not appreciate, they dropped Nida off. Both him and Matteo watched as she climbed over the gate. Alex told them she would climb into her window. They were both very unhappy about that. </p>
<p>They would have to do something. There was little drastic action they could take but they could provide a safe space for her whenever she was able to get away. Plus she had a brother waiting to take care of her as soon as she was old enough to leave. She reminded him of himself such a lot. But she had so much more support than he had had at that age and he would make sure he was part of that support network she’d built. No child should have to worry or deal with these sorts of things. </p>
<p>They couldn’t take away her worries but they could keep an eye on her, make sure she was ok until she did get out of there. Matteo hadn’t driven away right away, they’d waited across the road for ten minutes, until Nida texted Alex to say she was safely in her room and the house was silent, she’d gotten away with it. Even then they hadn’t been keen to leave but they had, it was late, almost eleven and even Alex was getting tired. She slept a lot more now, her sleep slowly adjusting to a better schedule. </p>
<p>Only Matty had woken when they’d picked them up from Laura’s, Matteo was starting to worry he was becoming a lively baby suddenly. It wasn’t a problem, it would just take some getting used to and during the night wasn’t the best time for him to be awake. It was David’s fault really but he wasn’t going to tell Matteo that. The twins slept the whole car ride home, barely waking when they pulled up on the drive and helped them out of the car. Jake couldn't even stand so David had just carried him inside, Alex had Matty and Jamilah trailed after Matteo.</p>
<p>Jamilah just managed to sleepily remind him that it was of the utmost importance that she got to go see the photos soon. He’d promised her they would as she drifted back to sleep. When he climbed back down Matteo was sitting hunched up on Jake’s bed, his son asleep in his arms. David knew how that felt, even when they were sleeping he always wanted them close. He watched him quietly stand up and tuck Jake into bed, pressing a kiss to his forehead and stepping back to let David do the same.</p>
<p>Then he’d taken Matty from Alex and settled him in the cot that no longer held him. Alex had hugged both of them good night, so tightly in her happiness. She was still high and excited from the evening but exhausted too, she would be asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Which was only a good thing, if anyone deserved a good night’s sleep it was Alex. So they’d waved her off. </p>
<p>That just left Matteo, David had stayed with him in their room, just quietly talking about nothing and playing with his hair until he fell asleep. </p>
<p>Once he had fallen asleep he’d kissed him goodnight one more time then crept out of the room, heading straight for Matty’s room. He was still awake just waiting quietly for him. Just like he had done the past couple of days. David had gotten the idea from Jake and he knew it couldn’t go on, Matty needed his sleep. He only ever managed about an hour anyway before he drifted off in David’s lap and then David settle him in the rocker beside his desk. </p>
<p>David just didn’t like working alone and if Matty was awake what was the harm? He was having fun, sitting in the middle of the room playing with his toys. David ignored the fact that Matty was only awake because of him. </p>
<p>Matteo hadn’t caught him yet but he knew he would be in trouble when he did. </p>
<p>David sighed and stretched and double-checked what he was seeing on the screen. He smiled to himself. It was very rough but he had a first cut, his work was paying off. As much as he complained it was all coming together nicely. </p>
<p>He knew he’d have to go back to LA soon, possibly as soon as the end of next month but he wasn’t dreading it. A week at most, he’d worked it out with production. And there were to be a few awards in the spring so that was another trip, he wasn’t doing that without Matteo though. He continued to smile at how much better he was feeling. A couple of weeks ago the thought of going back would have broken him. Now just the time he’d spent with his family had helped him recover, left him strong again. Everything was good again. He was never leaving again, had nothing to dread anymore, only excitement for the good things to come.</p>
<p>“Da da?”</p>
<p>“Yes sweetie?”</p>
<p>“Sleep?”</p>
<p>“Come here little baby,” David whispered, reaching out to him.</p>
<p>Matty wobbled over to him and David scooped him up, settling him against his chest, running his fingers through his blond curls as he snuffled sleepily. </p>
<p>“Happy baby?” David whispered.</p>
<p>“Happy! Happy! Da da! Happy!”</p>
<p>“Good boy, you sleep now,” David cooed, rocking him gently as he yawned and drifted off. With his free hand, David clicked a few things on the screen then shut down the computer, and then stood up. He carefully carried Matty back upstairs without waking him, settling him in his cot and sitting beside it while he slept for a little while.</p>
<p>Eventually, the door creaked open.</p>
<p>“What on earth are you doing?” Matteo asked, stepping into the room and yawning, a blanket around his shoulders.</p>
<p>“Hey, just watching him sleep,” David said, reaching out for him.</p>
<p>Matteo walked over and sat down beside him.</p>
<p>“Mm? So if he could talk properly he wouldn’t tell me that you’ve been sneaking him downstairs to play in your office while you worked?” </p>
<p>Damn, he wasn’t sneaky at all, Matteo was just humouring him all this time, letting him think he’d gotten away with it. Nothing got past his husband, Jamilah was the boss of the house but Matteo was the true ruler. Knew exactly what was going on with all of them.</p>
<p>“No he would never tell,” David countered,</p>
<p>Matteo raised an eyebrow, leaning against him and throwing the blanket around both their shoulders.</p>
<p>“I like to think at least one of my children isn’t a total tattletale,” David said.</p>
<p>Matteo just laughed. “We need to get him a bed then?”</p>
<p>“Hmm maybe, he’s been waiting for me to come in though,” David said, since the other morning he hadn't caught him climbing out again but it was only a matter of time. He was probably ready for a bed.</p>
<p>Matteo rolled his eyes at the idea of their son just patiently waiting to be snuck downstairs.</p>
<p>“We can get a toddler bed, with the raised bars halfway, so he can get out but not roll out, much safer than climbing out of the cot,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“He can’t get downstairs?”</p>
<p>“I don’t think he can actually get out of the room yet, can he open the door?”</p>
<p>He was a bit too little for that. </p>
<p>“No that’s true, until Jake teaches him,” David suggested, laughing.</p>
<p>Matteo grinned, still shocked that Jake had been so naughty.</p>
<p>“I think we should put the monitors back on,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Probably best,” David agreed.</p>
<p>“Just in case, don’t like him just being awake in here by himself,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>David nodded and watched Matteo reach out and stroke Matty’s hair from his face. It was long, soft and blond, starting to lose that wispy baby quality it used to have. Jamilah was delighted as it meant she could try and put it into little bunches. Which Matteo tidied up for her. It was all incredibly cute. </p>
<p>“So,” David said.</p>
<p>“So?”</p>
<p>“I have a first cut,” David told him.</p>
<p>“Already? Can I see it?”</p>
<p>“Yeah of course, can you watch now, too tired?” David checked.</p>
<p>Matteo shook his head. “Want to be awake, downstairs?” he asked, yawning and standing up, reaching for David and pulling him up.</p>
<p>“No we can watch it in bed,” David said, taking one last look at the sleeping Matty then shutting his door, then the twins, then Alex’s. He guided Matteo to their bedroom.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah, I always forget about the tv,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“The files are on my drive thingy, can you access them for me?” David asked.</p>
<p>“Yes David,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“Don’t take that tone with me,” David warned.</p>
<p>“Let’s watch your movie dear,” Matteo said, pulling him in for a quick kiss then turning to the television. David just rolled his eyes and got on the bed, propping himself up on the pillows and stretching his arms out for Matteo.</p>
<p>Matteo climbed into his arms.</p>
<p>“Are we keeping this tv in here?” David asked while Matteo swiped through the various screens searching for the files.</p>
<p>“For now, until you’re back from Madrid then I dunno, put it up in the playroom? For games and stuff. Which one?” he asked.</p>
<p>“That one, good idea. They’re going to start on the playroom next month, put a couple of windows in, floors and walls. I’ll do the rest, the painting and that. Should be ready before Christmas,” David told him.</p>
<p>“Just in time for new toys?”</p>
<p>“Exactly.”</p>
<p>“Ok?”</p>
<p>“Yeah play it,” David said, turning down the lights and getting comfortable.</p>
<p>Matteo did and sat back in his arms. He always started this way, relaxed against him. But if a movie caught his attention he ended up wriggling and shuffling until he was closer to the screen, completely focussed on it, everything and everyone else shut out. It was like he was completely mesmerised. So far every movie David had made had done that, captivated him. This one was to be no different. </p>
<p>Ten minutes in when Samuel was screaming at the cops for calling him by his birthname Matteo sat up slightly, not pulling away just not resting against him anymore. He either watched lazily and didn’t take it in or he watched actively his whole body attentive. This was the latter. When Neil, Samuel’s social worker showed up and showed him care, held him as he cried and raged against the cops, Matteo shuffled out of his lap and moved to the end of the bed. </p>
<p>David just shivered a little and followed him but didn’t touch him, didn’t want to break his concentration. He just sat beside him, watching him while he watched the movie. </p>
<p>When Samuel started his new school all alone he glanced away briefly to smile at him.</p>
<p>When Louis’ dad was dismissive of his son after his drug overdose Matteo reached out and gripped his hand. When Samuel met Miranda in the church he smiled and teared up like the romantic sap he was. When he left for Europe and said goodbye to the family he’d made he cried properly but when he came home and was reunited with them, Matteo crawled back into David’s lap again, pressing close.</p>
<p>“That was beautiful, everything you make is so beautiful,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Are you ok?”</p>
<p>He shook his head and wiped his eyes. </p>
<p>“David there's so much hope there, I know it’s rough but the hope. I know Francis’ story already and I read the script when you showed me but wow David,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Yeah? Tell me,” David said.</p>
<p>“Like throughout the film that boy Sam was so lonely, that hurt to watch,” Matteo said quietly.</p>
<p>David squeezed him close knowing how that topic affected him. </p>
<p>“But you could literally feel the hope building and just the end.” Matteo sniffled and rested against him. “David that was beautiful you can’t ever stop,” he insisted, worry in his voice.</p>
<p>It was unfounded though, David wasn’t stopping he was prioritising.</p>
<p>“I’m not stopping, I won’t stop but I can make beautiful movies here too,” David reminded him.</p>
<p>Matteo didn’t argue, just pressed a little closer.</p>
<p>“Yeah, everything you make is beautiful. I love that I get to see this, be a part of it. That I get to watch this develop. You are so clever and I love to watch you work, I love that you get to share that with the world. David, I love you so much,” he said.</p>
<p>“I love you too, I make them all for you, you know?”</p>
<p>“How do you mean? What?” Matteo asked, peering up at him.</p>
<p>“You don’t even really like films unless they’re easy to watch,” David said.</p>
<p>“What? I mean… yeah it’s hard I get bored,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>David had always known that, didn’t mind his husband’s short attention span. He could focus on the important things, always had all the attention in the world for him and the kids.</p>
<p>“But I don’t know, somehow I can captivate you, I make movies that you can watch and enjoy. I don’t know what it is, why they work but you always seem so hooked,” David said.</p>
<p>It wasn’t that he was just paying attention because David had made it, he was genuinely invested every time.</p>
<p>“It’s not because of you or it is but… it’s not just because you made them it’s because there's something in the way you tell a story. It’s the same in the way you speak, the way you just are with me. I could never look away from you, never not listen to you. It’s the same, it just bleeds into your work and I can’t help but get hooked,” Matteo explained.</p>
<p>David smiled at him.</p>
<p>“Was it worth it?”</p>
<p>“You going to LA? Yes and no. Honestly, I can’t think of anything worth you leaving me but… this is going to be so brilliant and the world deserves to see it. It’s going to be so important to so many people, young people who don’t yet know it gets better, that the world can still be wonderful. And that will help them so much, so yes, for that it was worth it, for you to make something so beautiful and share it with me and the world it was worth it.”</p>
<p>David just pressed a kiss to his cheek and sighed. He always said the perfect things, was so smart and clever in the way he reasoned things. It had been incredibly painful, something he couldn’t go through again, either of them but he had made something beautiful out of it, something worthwhile that would help a lot of people.</p>
<p>David smiled and shut off the tv, pulling them back up the bed.</p>
<p>“I think… it was worth it because it also made me realise a lot,” he said.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Like the fact that I don’t cope well when I’m not here and I just… even if I’m just in Madrid or if I travel around I miss so much. The kids are growing and I need to be there and for you too. I know they’re not naughty or even that mischievous but it’s a lot for you to handle without me and it shouldn’t be like that. I don’t have to travel,” David insisted.</p>
<p>“I…”</p>
<p>“And in fifteen, twenty years time when Matty is ready to move out, that’s when we’ll start again, travelling and stuff because we’ll need a distraction,” David said.</p>
<p>They would be fine just the two of them but it would be absolutely devastating at the same time, they would need something to take their mind off all the empty rooms.</p>
<p>“Unless we have grandkids,” Matteo warned, shuffling and settling against him. David stretched out and pulled Matteo so he was laying on his chest, arms wrapped around him, their favourite position to lie in.</p>
<p>“Oh god yeah shit,” David said, now there was a terrifying thought.</p>
<p>In twenty years Alex would be their age, Jamilah would be twenty-nine, he didn’t know if kids were on their horizon but if they did well that would probably be around the right time.</p>
<p>“That’ll be fun,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“It will, we’ll be the best granddads,” David said.</p>
<p>“We will,” Matteo agreed, “talking of grandparents…”</p>
<p>“I do feel bad,” David admitted, thinking about his parents again. </p>
<p>“I know you never meant to do that,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“I think… I’d like to make another movie, about something I never really address, you know? That they can come around, that people are complex and their initial reaction doesn’t have to be permanent,” David said.</p>
<p>“I can’t wait to watch it,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>He would, he would make a movie his mother was comfortable watching, show her that he did understand, did forgive her, that they were ok.</p>
<p>“Do you think they will have kids?” Matteo asked, taking the conversation back to grandkids.</p>
<p>“Maybe,” David said, he didn’t really know, they were far too young for them to know that. Perhaps they would, perhaps they wouldn’t, probably at least one of them would.</p>
<p>“Who first?”</p>
<p>“I guess Alex because of her age, if she did want to, she’s going to be very independent for a long time but if she does want kids it would still be before the others although…”</p>
<p>“Jake?”</p>
<p>If there was any of them he could already picture as a parent it was Jake, he couldn’t even picture what he would look like, couldn’t even begin to imagine him as an adult but he knew his nature, knew his character, could tell exactly what he was going to be like.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” David said, “I think he’s going to be like us.”</p>
<p>“Hm?”</p>
<p>“Ready to get married at what? We were nineteen when we first mentioned it,” David said.</p>
<p>He hadn't proposed at nineteen, that was far too soon but they’d talked about it a lot. He’d known it was what Matteo wanted and he’d wanted it too, although he was still scared of losing Matteo back then. By the time they were twenty he knew they were solid, that he got to keep Matteo and nothing could stop him daydreaming about finally doing it. So they talked about it, weddings, marriage, jobs, and houses. Planning their lives together.</p>
<p>“We took it slow though,” Matteo said. </p>
<p>“That’s because we were cautious had a lot to deal with and sort out, had bad examples of marriage,” David said.</p>
<p>“True, Jake’s had good examples so he can just go for it,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>“He’s not one to ever be alone, I just feel he’ll go straight from us to whoever he’s supposed to marry,” David guessed, he was probably right.</p>
<p>“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Matteo said fondly.</p>
<p>“There’s not, he’s a lot like you and that’s a good thing. Whatever he does it’ll be gentle and kind, something caring like you,” David said, he was sure of that.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Matteo said softly, eyes drifting closed for a second, he blinked a few times then looked up at him fondly.</p>
<p>“What about Jammy then? Rocket scientist?” David suggested.</p>
<p>She was smart enough but he wasn’t sure if that was a good fit for her. She was good at everything she tried her hand at but she would find what worked for her.</p>
<p>“Nah… I know she loves the maths and the science stuff but she’s so imaginative too, I just think let’s not push her into anything yet, she has so many options,” Matteo said.</p>
<p>David completely agreed.</p>
<p>“No you’re right, they have so much time to decide who they are,” he said.</p>
<p>“Mimmo?”</p>
<p>“The unknown,” David mused.</p>
<p>“Yeah what do you reckon?”</p>
<p>“Naughty?” David suggested.</p>
<p>“Definitely the naughtiest of all of them,” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>David sighed and ran his hand through Matteo’s hair. Matty was already the cheekiest, David was pretty sure he knew he wasn’t supposed to be staying up, the way he waited so quietly, didn’t make a peep until they got into his office. He was aware on some level that he was being mischievous. Jake had probably taught him but David had definitely made it worse.</p>
<p>“I mean he has no trauma,” David said.</p>
<p>“True, plus naughty siblings and a naughty dad to encourage him,” Matteo said, giving him a pointed look.</p>
<p>David just stuck his tongue out at him.</p>
<p>“But he can be naughty, we’ll love him just the same,” he said.</p>
<p>David had been naughty as a kid, him and Laura both. Had done nothing but wind each other up, their parents too. If the kids were like that he would love it, it would be exhausting but despite their fights, he and Laura loved each other. No matter how much any of them fought they would love each other furiously. David would be happy every time they acted out, misbehaved because it would just be proof that they didn’t worry about their pasts anymore. That they felt safe enough to be a little naughty, a little cheeky.</p>
<p>“Always and Alex?” David asked, he had a pretty good idea of where she was going but he wanted to hear Matteo’s thoughts.</p>
<p>“She’s going isn’t she?”</p>
<p>“Travelling? Yeah next year,” David told him.</p>
<p>“God that’s amazing but I hate it,” Matteo grumbled, but he was happy for her.</p>
<p>“She’ll be back,” David assured him. “I really think you were right, I think she’s going to be here until she’s at least twenty-five, she’s found a home, why would she want to leave?” </p>
<p>She would come and go, travelling wherever life took her but she would always come back. This was her home now and Matteo had been right, they were setting her up with somewhere she could always return to.</p>
<p>“Promise?” Matteo whispered.</p>
<p>It was tricky. They’d wanted to take her in of course but it brought them far closer to one of the kids leaving home than they were ready for. But it was worth it because they had her forever.</p>
<p>“Promise, even if she moves out, and I dunno, finds an apartment in the city with Nida, this will be her home for a long time and she will always come back. We’re going to be the first people she comes to with good news or bad and it’s amazing, I’m so happy,” David said.</p>
<p>Matteo smiled dreamily at him.</p>
<p>It was wonderful, this safe home they’d created for all of them. It had always been their intention. It was something they’d always needed and never gotten. They’d set out to provide for their children everything they’d needed and lost out on as kids. They would be there for them always. No matter what happened, no matter who they were, who they loved, what they chose to do with their lives, they would be loved and supported throughout.</p>
<p>“We’ve done a wonderful thing Matteo,” David said, closing his eyes as he started to get sentimental.</p>
<p>“We have, haven't we?” Matteo agreed.</p>
<p>“And there’s so much yet to come,” he said.</p>
<p>He was close to tears now, just thinking about it, it was a good feeling, a happy one. He just pulled Matteo closer and buried his face in his neck to stop himself from getting overwhelmed. </p>
<p>“A whole lifetime,” Matteo whispered, “this doesn’t end.”</p>
<p>“Never and I can’t wait,” David said. </p>
<p>“Everything is good.”</p>
<p>“Everything is perfect.”</p>
<p>Everything<em> was</em> perfect. Even though he dreaded the kids growing up he also couldn’t wait to see where life took them, to see their future. It wasn’t like they’d ever grow out of needing him, they would always need them whether it was for a chat, for advice or for someone to care for their own kids one day, they’d be there. They were doing it right, raising them to know the most important thing. That they were loved, always and without condition. </p>
<p>They were wanted children, they would never be discarded or forgotten. They would raise them in a house free from fear, no worry of repercussions. They would be raised to know they would always be listened to, that their voices were worth hearing. That whatever they were feeling, no matter how young they were, it was valid and they would never be dismissed. They were free to be who they wanted to be.</p>
<p>They were worth everything. </p>
<p>He knew it would be good, he knew whatever was to come it was going to be beautiful.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So that's it. This story is finished it's a good place for it to end. I'm sad that it's over but I'm not leaving them behind. What was originally going to be a short epilogue to show how Alex fit in months down the line has turned into snapshots of all their lives. I wanted to see all of them growing up, from Mimmo going through being a teenager to Jamilah figuring out what to do with her life. And I wanted more of Matteo and David being those parents that just listen while the kids go through all those difficult things about being kids and young adults. Because if anyone's going to be encouraged to be themselves it's these kids.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <a href="http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com">theo (@youmustbestrongernow)</a></p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is gonna be ten chapters plus an epilogue, probably posting most Sundays.</p><p>Next chapter is David in LA and badly missing home but getting some pretty good news.</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com">theo (@youmustbestrongernow)</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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